Sun Tzu, the ancient Chinese Military General once said, “Know thine enemy”. According to him, the best way to defeat a force is to know it well, have an ability to predict its next move, remain one step ahead, and to never be surprised.
I made a decision, about halfway through the last year, that I wanted to better understand the situation from all sides. We all have a different perspective of what took place, coloured by our experience within that place, and the role that we played. In our marital therapy, we are learning that true forgiveness for my husband is going to come him stepping into my shoes in order to truly feel what it must have felt like to be me, to be deceived, to be betrayed. When I am confident that he truly FEELS what it feels like, I will have greater confidence in his fidelity, and our marriage in general.
The act of consciously trying to see the affair through her eyes is a big deal for me because:
- I am wounded
- I have been betrayed
- I hold grudges like nobody’s business
On examining the data as I have it thus far, here is what I see when I look through her lens. When my interpretations have been informed by factual events, I will indicate so.
She met, and fell for a man who is married. She probably fell in love, and if not was at the bare minimum deeply attracted (fact). His reciprocal interest in her, his sharing of personal details that transgressed the boundaries of co-worker, made her feel as though the feelings were reciprocal. When the mutual attraction was confessed, it quickly escalated into sex. After that first sexual encounter, she probably felt intensely satisfied, like she had somehow snagged her catch. The bait was working, and she was slowly seeing her desires come into view. Trying to maintain a professional relationship at work while secretly involved in a relationship with a co-worker probably ignited a wave of excitement as well, amplifying the effects of the endorphin rush that accompanies the start of a new relationship. It probably felt magical. Here she was, sleeping with a wonderful man, who has great earning potential, but is simultaneously also kind, warm, sweet, sensitive, and compassionate. He likes shopping, fine dining, travel, will watch chick flicks of his own accord – I mean, what is NOT to like? I get it…I like him too 🙂
Even though she had proposed the exit clause for each of them, when he asked to use it a couple of months into it, she felt hurt. She was enjoying what they had together, but it didn’t quite feel normal. She longed for dinners out, time together outside of work, a REAL relationship. She accused him of using her for sex( fact), and told him that she didn’t want to have sex at the office anymore (fact) – she wanted to go somewhere private, so they hooked up at hotels. I can’t imagine that didn’t feel cheap for her, but it was better than the office. The threat of possibly losing him led her to feel that she had to do something to prevent him from leaving. Knowing that he was in a vulnerable place because he was being unfaithful to his wife, she knew that she could hold this over his head, and manipulate the situation to her advantage. Worried that it may not be enough, she turned up the degree by simultaneously painting herself in a highly desirable light by inventing a boyfriend on the side (fact), and talking about how much male attention she gets. She did this, of course, so that he would believe her to be desirable. I mean, if all of these others guys see something in her, then it must be there…right? Not when they don’t exist. She figured that these lies, couples with the threat to tell me would keep him where she wanted him. It worked for a little while, as he remained in the relationship and didn’t make regular requests to “end it”. Whenever he did, she felt threatened, and turned up the heat again, using the best tactic she had – the threat of disclosure to me.
When they stopped having sex for a few months, she was likely worried that they were returning to “just friends”, or “co-workers”. She knew she wanted to be with him, and she had tried everything possible to make herself desirable enough in his eyes that he would want to be with her willingly, but it wasn’t working. He was remaining with his wife, and there was no indication that he was ever going to leave, or tell me. Feeling that she was going to be playing second fiddle in this relationship, she decided that a pregnancy would be the best way to hang onto him. She went off her birth control pills. Having his baby would mean that they would be forever linked. If this was never about attraction, and only a money grab, a baby would then be a guaranteed meal ticket. She initiated sex with him in February, and conceived a child. Yay her.
When he said that he didn’t want another baby, and wasn’t prepared to be involved in the life of another child, she stated that she would terminate the pregnancy – kill her child – if he would confess the affair to me and leave his family (fact). Unprepared to lose his family, she said that perhaps she might keep the baby, that she was undecided (fact). In any case, she said that would raise the child alone, if need be, and would never ask him for a single penny (fact) (sorry but I find this statement laughable since she is currently doing her best to milk us out of every penny she can). Convincing him that he was going to lose me either way (either he would tell me and leave, or she would tell me and I would kick him out), she rehearsed how he would tell me, and they set a date for when. The brass ring was in sight, all shiny and ready to be grabbed. Victory, as she saw it, would soon be hers. and she would finally have the man she wanted, free and clear of the encumbrances of his family, and they could start the relationship that she had always hoped for. Excited that the man she loved would soon be hers, and believing that his willingness to confess meant that he too wanted to be with her, it was merely days away, and he would be hers.
When she texted him the morning after he was supposed to have told me, she thought her early morning text would come fresh on the heels of the devastation and that she could ride in, and save him from the flames. When he told her that he’d actually told me 2 days earlier, she was alarmed that he was still at home, and happily playing with his children as if nothing had happened. When he told her that I was also there, and that things were fine, I imagine she was incredibly sad and very angry. She now felt the sting of betrayal. The plan that she thought they both wanted wasn’t coming to fruition, and had been foiled by the fact that neither of them had anticipated what move I would make. My unwillingness to throw away my marriage and kick my husband out was a wild card that neither one anticipated would be played. It came as a shock to them both. For him, it was a relief. For her, it was devastating. Reacting on anger, she immediately started doing what she does best: threatening. It was her way of acting out in the wake of losing the relationship she wanted and she saw ME as the reason it would never be. She was furious with me, and now she had a baby on the way, and no one to help care for it, or her.
The way she saw it, he loved her and wanted to be with her. He’d turned away from his wife, and turned toward her. That could only mean that he loved her, and not me, right? He’d had sex with her, so it meant he loved her, right? This falls in line with the Myths of Infidelity I wrote about earlier. In her mind, the feelings were mutual, and then suddenly, they weren’t. She’d been deceived, or maybe, just maybe, she had miscalculated the depth of what this relationship was really about, and made it into more than it ever was.
I understand her feelings, and what has led her to do what she has done. I understand that she has been hurt. I understand that she has inappropriately directed her anger at me, when it really should be directed at herself for getting involved. She has to demonize me in her mind in order to justify her actions to herself. Women are possessive, and she felt she owned him, and had rights to him. Knowing that he was coming home every night to me – to my bed – was probably unbearable for her. In fact, she became most crazy when we were on vacations together, in which case she would text like crazy, and turn up the threats if she didn’t hear back from him immediately. She wanted him hanging on the end of the line for her every text. He wasn’t, and that drove her nuts. On the nights after they’d been together, in order to remain connected to him when he was safely returned ‘home’, she texted him all night, probably to interfere with anything he and I might be up to. She wants to believe I am the reason that they aren’t together, when in fact my husband never asked to leave – he asked me to take him back, if I wanted to. I would like to say that she should also be angry at my husband for deceiving her, but he didn’t. He told her many times how he felt, explained that it was just sex, and not love, professed his love for his family, and his desire to not lose us. She refused to hear any of it, and believed instead what made her feel better: that he loved her and wanted a relationship with her. That he would leave me to be with her, and that they would have a baby together, and live happily ever after. She sees me as the reason that he is not with her, when he made it perfectly clear to her that if he and I were no longer together, that he would not be with her. He told her that if he were not married to me, he would be married to no one. I don’t think she can be angry at him when he made it perfectly clear.
In the end, I feel very badly for her. I think she is in a horrible situation, and was too naive to see it clearly. She chose to have a child, thinking that it would bring my husband closer to her, and is now raising a baby on her own. Perhaps she also had a fantasy, as we all do, about motherhood being blissful, with a little person to love you, and it is all rainbows and butterflies, and then 48 hours into it, having logged two sleepless nights, you realize it isn’s the picnic you thought it was, except unlike me, she is doing it alone. I do sometimes wonder if she feels any regret. I wonder if she will take the time to try and see the situation through my eyes, to realize the depths of what she has done, the degree to which her actions have caused so much hurt, so much pain, so much trauma. Will she take the time to consider anyone else’s perspective, and will she see where she has been wrong, or will she be blinded by her own sense of self-righteousness? I guess I will never know.
I suspect she is a very hurt inside and longs for someone to love her. She needs and craves love and attention, and believes that the only way to get it is to manipulate. I suspect love never came easily to her, and she’s had to fight for it her whole life – it is what she knows. She fell into a situation that was way above her head, and made poor decisions without considering the collateral damage. She was selfishly focused on herself, and still is. She has, thus far, provided no indication of remorse for what she has done to me, or tried to do to my children. I feel badly that she will raise this child alone, and will suffer the pains of single parenting. This is a choice she brought upon herself, but it doesn’t make it any less difficult to bear. I wish the best for the child who is an innocent victim of choices made by two people who should have known better.
Rescuing My Marriage 
Thank you for this post. Sometimes I wonder about my father’s mistress, the woman that he left my mother and me to be with, how she can live with destroying a family… ironically she now has two daughters, and my father left her as well. She will be a single mother just like my mother was.
I am glad to hear that your marriage is in tact and that you and your husband are fighting for it. You are in my thoughts.
Is your husband free of responsibility for this child just because he didn’t know she was off of birth control? and how fair is it to any women, how much is it a “woman’s choice”, when she is the one that would have to live with the emotional consequences of terminating a pregnancy? when SHE is the one that has live with the choice, even though he is equally as responsible. He CHOSE to have sex with her, there is always a risk of pregnancy with that choice, and why is she left carrying the responsibility of that choice? He is just as responsible, that is HIS child. He is punishing that child if he is not involved or supporting him/her, not the “other woman”, she is not to blame for that. This is not a choice she brought upon herself alone, and you are just as responsible if you support his decision to not be involved, you are letting him off the hook and that child will suffer because of that.
Justasguilty, I appreciate your response. Under normal circumstances, I would be inclined to agree with you. Perhaps some backstory will clarify a little. This woman never wanted children. She was very vocal about that. She always said she isn’t a “kid” person and didn’t want any of her own. Used to turn her nose at kids in general, unless they were her neice and nephew which were fine, cause they weren’t hers. So yes, having unprotected sex always carries a risk for both and both should know better. But when one partner knows something that the other doesn’t – that she’d stopped her birth control, then it no longer becomes a alledged mutual risk, it becomes a CERTAIN risk, with one partner being duped into creating a life which will then be used as bait in a manipulation ploy.
Unlike what you would expect from “most” reasonable and emotional women, the idea to terminate was hers. She had always said in conversation that if she were to get “knocked up”, she would abort. That, in my eyes, is irresponsible and insensitive to life. She was the one to first bring up terminating and had no emotional difficulty whatsoever. The catch was that my husband had to leave me first. There was only a few weeks to make the choice. Telling her he didn’t want a child with her, or a relationship with her spurred her to want to keep it in her words “ill have the baby, and your wife can pay the child support It was all about money. He warned her that bringing a child into the world would mean he would have no involvement. The choice of whether to have a baby or not was stripped from him, and the baby was a Pawn. She chose to continue a pregnancy KNOWING she would bring a child into a fatherless situation and chose to do it anyway. She made the choice of life for her child. She made the chOice that it would be raised alone. He didn’t have a say. He is fulfilling all legal obligations to this child. This child will be financially supported for the next 23 years. I disagree that it’s not a choice she brought on alone. She got pregnant ON PURPOSE and then threatened to keep the child to cause us financial hardship knowing she would be fatherless. That is a choice only SHE had power over so it WAS her choice alone. My husband isn’t “off the hook”. He has to contribute to this child to the tune of over 850,000.00 and live with the knowledge of this child. He had to make a choice to be known to the child or not. What kind of relationship would he model? With the baby’s mother stalking our family, what kind of interaction SHOULD they have when we are under legal protection from her? He made a choice, and I support his decision for what he thinks is best for me, for him, for his existing children and this child. Being in this child’s life would cause more emotional damage than not. So he will ensure she has a home, access to health care, child care, clothing, shelter, programs, education etc. He simply won’t be around for her mother to torture any longer. I’m sorry that I can’t agree with you, knowing what I do about the situation, but I respect your opinion. It just doesn’t apply here.
I am relieved to find someone that feels the same way I do. My husband and I split up after I found text messages from a “friend” from work. This woman wormed her way into my marriage. When I was done battling it, I let him walk out the door. (Sometimes you just have to let them go.) He went on to date this woman from work. After several months, our anger for one another was resolved and all was forgiven. He told his “friend” he was making his way back home. Two weeks after he came home she text him and told him she was pregnant. I assume she thought he would come running back. From my understanding now, she was madly in love with him but he wasn’t in love with her. I will get to my point quickly. She had told him for months she couldn’t have children. They spent several months together and the second he tells her he wants to go home to his wife and kids she ends up pregnant. Can you say, RED FLAGS?! He told her he didn’t want another child. Our oldest baby will soon be 10. We are looking forward to the next stage of our lives. She will have a baby in November. When I started doing the research I was shocked to find that women have all kinds of choices if they don’t want a child. There is birth control, Plan B, abortion, adoption, or raise the child. A man has no choice whatsoever but birth control. Now, I’m not justifying my husbands actions. You should always use protection but in this situation he was completely lied and deceived.
I’m so glad to have found you blog. I didn’t run or kick my husband out after finding out the news of this pregnancy. I was beginning to think after looking online that no one felt the way I do about the mistress and her baby. I have no idea what the future hold but it’s nice to know I’m not alone. Thanks for sharing!
Infidelity is wrong, having irresponsible unprotected sex with one person but married to another with an innocent child (who was rejected by father and mother just as equally) left in the devastation is unimaginable. I do however feel the title of your piece is incorrect as it is not through the eyes of the mistress but through your (justifiable) mixed emotions from anger, victory, pain, love, rejection and I have no doubt much more that comes through much more clearly than what this whole experience meant to her. Yes, your husband stayed in the end but you don’t ever own up to his or your part in all this. The two of you obviously took your eye off the ball at some point for your marriage to have been weak enough to allow the possibility of an affair and I am doubtful that the mistress (with plenty of the blame to shoulder too, of course ) started out in the beginning to simply maliciously wreck your lives and that of her child not to mention her own. People react badly in bad situations and clearly she has spiraled so far down and all alone that it has ruined her.
I did that once. I was in an awful, abusive relationship and my reactions which initially began as a defense turned me into a horrible, angry, bitter, self-loathing mess, who drank too much and wrecked bonds to anyone who came close to me and it took me many years to repair some of those relationships, some I lost forever and to rediscover my true self. I forgave him eventually but it took me seven years to work through and change who I had become, the hardest thing in the world is to look in the mirror and take ownership of the horrid person I was and commit to changing that.
I eventually could say I had changed, I became a strong, happy and loved (by me and others) woman. Good things come to happy, fulfilled people right? I met the most amazing man, who swept me off my feet and took my breath away. Just as I thought I may just not get a chance to spend my life with someone, here was the man I had been dreaming about. Except, he was married with two beautiful children……
I did not pursue it and for only one reason, for the babies, I’d give a lot to have children of my own and could not imagine having to watch mine go through such heartache, how could I expect less from anyone else. I fell in love and was heartbroken in just moments and still am but I know it could have gone down a worse road and I have self-respect and am still strong and happy with me. The man I fell for? He’d assured me there was nothing left of his marriage long before I met him, I urged him to deal with that no matter what, you can’t live in a loveless marriage forever (that too will bring out the worst in people).
We all have choices to make, sometimes between two just as sad or horrible things, we might not recognise the better of the two evils at the time. I hope you can forgive your husbands mistress one day, if you are as proud of your marriage as you say, you owe it to yourself and family to not become a horrible, angry, bitter, self-loathing mess.
It sounds like you have had these intimate conversations with this ‘evil’ woman yourself…..or are these (Facts) thanks to your husband? You seem very naiive to blame her outright, which is essentially what you are doing. Maybe you had a part to play in it all…perhaps you couldn’t keep your husband happy?
Dear RMM,
I had always wanted to know why your husband had this affair or any other man who claims that he never stopped lving you, for instance.
I read the compartmentalize blog but I would like to say that though comp. is possible for them, doesn’t give them an excuse to do so. Can you write about the perspective of those wayward spouses who remain married but compartmentalize their affair lives? I ve never understood why they would take the stress of double life when they are already having so many issues and why get involved with these women? you ve always said that these men including your husband were trying to solve their issues through these affairs? You said that your husband rationalized why he deserved this, why you would think it was right?I d wanted to know more about what kind of issues are these that forces a man to take such steps?
I’d also like to suggest you to write one post about how your marriage is doing now.
and I also wanted to say something to you. It is always said that whatever happens, happens for good though it may not be evident at that time. When you might have found out about the affair, you were completely destroyed but god had some special plans for you. He wanted you to live in the hearts of so many people, he wanted you to be someone’s guide. but as always his path was difficult. no matter how much difficulties OW might be causing you, she can’t change the love and respect people feel for you when they read your blog.
keep up the good work.
The OW is responsible for her own actions. though the child deserves better but that doesn’t change the fact that RMM herself has family to take care of and needed to be protected. when a man chooses to have sex, pregnancy is a possibility ALSO when a woman chooses to bear a married man’s child, she SHOULD know what she is choosing the for the child. with so many protections in this era PREGNANCY IS A WOMAN’S OWN CHOICE not imposed on her I totally disagree with the comment you replied to. SHE IS EQUALLY TO BE BLAMED SHE WAS THE ONE WHO CHOSE TO HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED MAN AND CHOSE THIS LIFE FOR HER GIRL. WHATEVER SHE IS GOING THROUGH IS HER OWN ACTIONS. justasguilty you said that why should any woman go through this REMEMBER she did this herself, a very small punishment for destroying a happy family. MAN IS AT FAULT BUT DOESN’T MEAN OW IS NOT TO BE BLAMED. SHE IS NO CHILD.
the mistress is not always a simple, young, hot thing just being used for sex. Sometimes the mistress is someone your husband connects with on all levels. Compatible in and out of bed in ways that you and he never were. Sometimes your husband’s mistress loves and cares about him…and his family…enough to help him keep his marriage intact even after he is caught. And sometimes your husband chooses you not because he loves you and not the mistress, but because it is the right thing to do for your children, his children. This decision makes him sad. Leaves him depressed. You ask him about his sadness. He doesn’t not love you. Doesn’t want to hurt you more so he can’t tell you the truth. I can.
I am the mistress. I slept with a husband. Fell in love with a husband.
I am not simple. I am not evil. I am not young or hot. I am a woman your husband loves, the one he wants to be with. But, you are the one he needs to be with. It is right for him to be there each morning when your children wake up. It is right for him to fulfill his commitment to you. You have caught us, but we are still seeing each other. We are just smarter and both working harder to keep you happy and his family together.
Hey whatever you need to think to feel better. I’ve for research on my side, and I am speaking from MY experience. You may not have been used for sex. That’s great, but don’t fool yourself into the popular misconception that men have affairs because their marriage is lacking, or because you are offering something, in bed or otherwise, that we aren’t. Men don’t have affairs simply because they are unsatisfied with their partner. Sure, that does happen….but it isn’t statistically the case. Most men cheat because they are dissatisfied with something in their lives. There is a stressor that impacts them profoundly, and they seek an unhealthy outlet. There is vast data on what those vulnerabilities are and I’ve written on the topic. Yes, of course you may LOVE the man you have an affair with, and he may develop love for her back…sometimes. More often than not, however, it isn’t about love, and not even about sex. It’s about the reward that it brings him on a deeper level. The question to be asked, however, is how you can feel so entitled as to walk I to someone else’s relationship and steal the intimacy that belongs to his wife for yourself? Really, how dare you. You can convince yourself of whatever you think you need to in order to look yourself in the mirror: “we had a connection”, “he loved me”, “I let him go back to his family because I cared about his family (bullshit, care would have meant hands off sweetheart), “I have him something she wasn’t (trust me, they are sleeping with their wives, have been all along, and have years of knowing one another sexually for years, and many have regular and satisfying sex with their wives. You said it…”it’s not just about sex” and you’re right, because he is already getting it at home usually….some aren’t and their marriages are dead, but again, not the norm. I’ve learned that mistresses concoct whatever they want to in order to make themselves feel better, almost to the point of delusion, likely because what you’ve gone through is painful. Lets face it, you fell in love with someone inaccessible to you, either physically, or emotionally, because he I married to another. No mistress wants to believe it was meaningless. You and I can disagree, but unfortunately for you, you can only surmise and guess at what his intentions and feelings were based on either his lies, or what you need to believe. Yes, he lied to me too, and you’ll be quick to say “well what makes you think he is telling YOU the truth”, but the fact of the matter is that plenty of research has been provided by men who have been in affairs, and whether they stayed with their wives or not, they have provided testimony to why they did what they did, how they get embroiled, what they did to get out of it, etc. These aren’t men lying to save their marriages, they are just recounting their experience. Thousands of accounts aren’t wrong. What are you going on, what he told you? What you want to hear? It doesn’t hold a candle to the actual facts compiled by marriage and family therapists, sociologists and same. So…go on thinking what you want about your situation if it makes you feel better. You may be right, but the stats say that’s unlikely and I’m a research-based believer.
wow, research into why men cheat is a ridiculous waste of your time. Your pain from your husband cheating on you is splashed all over this page like blood on a wall from a tragic murder scene. Your desperate need to believe that it was somehow the ‘other woman’s’ fault and that you have won by your husband’s choice to stay with you seriously breaks my heart and will do you no good to hide how you truly feel about what has happened within your marriage. In your journey to put your marriage back together, focusing on the actions of the ‘other woman’ should be of no concern to you in dealing with the trust that has been broken with your husband. (she is also a victim in this situation- even if your husband tells you otherwise). As a woman yourself I am sure you would understand that it is not our nature to seek out married men to form relationships with. ‘The other woman’ surely spent time wondering how she had got herself into a situation where she is playing second best in your man’s life, but probably reassured herself that he was falling for her too and that their relationship was real. Letting your husband tell you things about the ‘other woman’ (how she never wanted children, became obsessive and threatened to reveal the affair) is yet another vindictive way for him to convince you that it was not his fault and that somehow he was a victim in all of this. Your marriage is broken and blaming the ‘other woman’ for it will no fix it. Knowing thy enemy in this case is knowing your husband and the relationship you share – not the ‘other woman’. I hope your hate for the ‘other woman’ excites your husband to no end and that your ‘wildcard’ decision to keep him makes you both happy.
I haven’t bothered to read this. After line 2, I saw it was designed for hurt and nothing about this will hurt me anymore. But as I scroll down to reply, my eyes see “hatred of the other woman”. This blog was started in 2011. It’s 2014. Read on and try to realize that time moves forward. I’ve forgiven the OW despite her continuous ridiculous assaults. She deserves pity not hatred. She’s a broken person and me hating her does nothing for either of us. I’ve forgiven it and moved on. You should too!
You may want to read this:
http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=DJqoA&m=JQjEi2cbVsZWqX&b=J4lE5F32P3AEAnq7ZhnFEA
You keep telling yourself that load of bull and perhaps someday you will believe it. He and his wife have a bond that you will never have with anyone if you don’t allow yourself to admit your own wrongdoing. If he continues with his wife, he is allowing their bond to grow since she has forgiven him. Years from now, you will be nothing but a insignificent memory and bump in tje road to their lifelong companionship. While they are on retirement vacation on a beach somewhere, you will be sad and lonely telling yourself that he really loved you all along.
I’ve read your entry. I can see your anger for the OW. If you read your words again, but see it from an outsider’s perspective, it really feels as though you are taking the blame off your husband and onto the OW – she manipulated, etc etc. It doesn’t feel like you’ve truly seen things from her perspective, but rather, what your husband has led you to believe was her and her perspective.
In one of your replies above, your anger is very evident. Have you sat down with the OW and asked her what he said to her? The lies he told her to keep the affair going? Of course he’s going to tell you that he told her several times it was simply for sex and she just didn’t get it – but he has proven himself to be a liar by cheating on you in the first place, so are you sure that you trust his words now? I wholeheartedly agree with you for trying to repair your marriage and move past this, but please – woman to woman – make sure that he is not just getting smarter with his manipulation. After all, he convinced this OW to fall in love with him – don’t you think he could just as easily be convincing you that he’s a changed man who learned his lesson? If you are very fact-based, then look at the statistics that are behind the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater”. Likely, this isn’t the first woman he’s been with and it won’t be the last. Some men are just hardwired that way, unfortunately, whether it’s because they are trying to fill a void within themselves, or they feel entitled, or any of the multitude of reasons men cheat.
To give you some perspective of where I’m coming from, my husband cheated on me with a mutual acquaintance. Since we didn’t have children, I forgave him but opted out of the marriage. He never would have left me – even if out of obligation – because of his vows, not wanting to divide assets, and especially about appearances, which were very important to him. We weren’t in a loveless marriage – we enjoyed sex and had mutual goals, enjoyed mutual activities etc – so whatever caused him to cheat is buried deep inside his conscious.
I gave him the easy out (a lot of women would prefer to fight and win – whether it’s what they truly want or not) and filed for divorce. I did it peacefully and fairly.
He now lives with her and has two children. We (the OW and I) have had very level-headed conversations about what transpired. While what she did was very wrong, he manipulated her into thinking that our marriage was on the rocks (poor him, feel sorry for him act). Confessed his love to her. She was his end all and be all. She fell for it all and was very happy that I found out about the affair and ended the marriage…. at least, at first. She was naïve to believe that he would never do the same things to her.
Now she sees things from my perspective. He, of course, cheats on her. She feels helpless – stuck in her marriage but with two children to consider. Us women seem to always be the ones who have to compromise our feelings to make the relationship/family dynamic work. She won’t leave, and he continues to cheat – he just finds sneakier and sneakier ways to do it. The more these men cheat, the better they get at it. They learn to cover up their trail. But we aren’t dumb. Call it women’s intuition – we always know in the back of our minds. We just want so desperately to believe that our love is all they need.
If you look at it from an unhealthy perspective, in the end, I was the one who “won”. I moved on, while she is stuck in purgatory – but I can’t look at it that way. I genuinely feel bad for her. Why should I, you ask? Well, it’s because I was willing to see that it was HIM who deceived and lied to both of us (as he does to others). It was HIM who broke his vows (and continues to). She was as much a victim as I.
Be smart. While it’s possible he won’t cheat on you again, the statistics don’t lie.
We’ve completely healed our marriage. We both understand the circumstances that led to the affair. He did a great deal of personal work and therapy to help get in touch with why this happened. A man who isn’t invested in repair isn’t going to go down that painful road. He is now helping to coach other men.
I know what he told her. I’ve read all of the emails. I can’t talk to her woman to woman because I have a restraining order against her. I don’t need to know what he told her because she’s already given great indication based on her comments.
Let’s see:
1. She knew he was married
2. She knew he has three children
3. She knew I was in the dark and under the impression that all was fine as evidenced by her comments and threats to mail me
4. She knew he loved me and was happy based on her comments that stated “you just think you are happy because you’re compensating for deep down feelings that your marriage isn’t working” and “you say you love your wife but that’s just you being the nice guy that you are. If you loved her, you wouldn’t be with me”, and “stop telling me you love your wife, it’s a buzzkill”.
5. She knew he wasn’t going to leave me and didn’t want to based on her comment “I’m not asking you to leave her. I don’t want that either. This is just fun, no strings. You say you aren’t leaving your wife, and you need to know I would never ask that of you. I don’t push you around like she does. I want you to be happy and I would never ask anything of you”.
So I’m quote aware of what she was told. She set the relationship up as a “friends with benefits” and then got mad when he didn’t stay roped in.
http://rescuingmymarriage.com/2013/07/04/in-his-own-words/
To the one that divorced. Yes your husband cheated, but she has played you and got your sympathy, after tricking you into letting her steal your husband. The reason he cheated on you was her giving opportunity, if you would have let him repent, he may have not cheated again. There is a very statically good chance of that. Now he cheats on her, because he was left as a cheat and never allowed to repent, and never really wanted her in the first place. I have no sympathy for your other woman, but can see that your ex husband don’t have a chance without you. I know it seems to late, but if I were you, I would go get him back, he is your husband and will fall until you pick him up, but maybe that’s your vengeance against him, and you are keeping her close so that you can enjoy watching her suffer.
I enjoyed the post. I too have a husband that had an affair that produced a child. I can only comment from the women’s perspective. Women know Women. I believe that is why we hold the mistress also responsible. He made a poor choice to have an affair to soothe his EGO. Pride will always be a downfall. Some men who lack an emotional healthy balance look for women to boost his ego. Just like a woman can have low self esteem. So, can the man, but most of them are tied to sexuality-testosterone so it is the attention the sex gives them. What lessons do we teach our teenage daughters about boys? We tell them to get a boy that likes them for them, they do not haveg to have sex to make the boy like them and I most certainly have told my daughters that a baby doesnt keep the boy, or the man. That in high school your reputation means a lot. Your integrity, and character are important. Once you are labeled that you sleep around, it becomes a bad thing. Your reputation follows you. So, when we come across these mistresses that unless they learned growing up that sex sells, we simply don’t understand why they would be the mistress and why in goodness name would they not take precautions to not become pregnant. Again, I dont know what you tell your daughters, but I have always told mine that a baby is the womans responsibility. You get pregnant, he may or may not be there, but the mother is always supposed to care for the child. If they are teenagers and in school, who typically has to change schools; the boy or girl? Once pregnant, who has to change what they eat, who gets morning sickness? If the woman has such of a burdeon, then why do we leave the conception for the men to decide? Why is it when these grown women accidentaly plan to get pregnant, we now say the man is responsible. In all of history, when has the man been held responsible for raising the kids? I guess thank goodness for the laws that support women that men will pay child support. I guess she can get something. But, these laws were for married couples who divorced and the wife wanted to maintain a similar standard of living as provided while married. The law changed to accomodate the out of wedlock child which in the past received nothing. If after the mistress becomes pregnant the man is now a low-down dog, why didnt the mistress consider him that when he was cheating on the wife? Only because the mistress feels wronged with her own child that he is now a no-good. And why is the wife stupid for staying with her husband and trying to keep her family together? The mistress gave no further concern for the children of the marriage, but now cries foul when she has a child that isnt getting full attention. I dont understand.
Wow someone needs to read on.
Infidelity is wrong, having irresponsible unprotected sex with one person but married to another with an innocent child left in the devastation is unimaginable. I do however feel the title of your piece is incorrect as it is not through the eyes of the mistress but through your (justifiable) mixed emotions from anger, victory, pain, love, rejection and I have no doubt much more that comes through much more clearly than what this whole experience meant to her. Yes, your husband stayed in the end but you don’t ever own up to his or your part in all this. The two of you obviously took your eye off the ball at some point for your marriage to have been weak enough to allow the possibility of an affair and I am doubtful that the mistress (with plenty of the blame to shoulder too, of course ) started out in the beginning to simply maliciously wreck your lives and that of her child not to mention her own. People react badly in bad situations and clearly she has spiraled so far down and all alone that it has ruined her.
I did that once. I was in an awful, abusive relationship and my reactions which initially began as a defense turned me into a horrible, angry, bitter, self-loathing mess, who drank too much and wrecked bonds to anyone who came close to me and it took me many years to repair some of those relationships, some I lost forever and to rediscover my true self. I forgave him eventually but it took me seven years to work through and change who I had become, the hardest thing in the world is to look in the mirror and take ownership of the horrid person I was and commit to changing that.
I eventually could say I had changed, I became a strong, happy and loved (by me and others) woman. Good things come to happy, fulfilled people right? I met the most amazing man, who swept me off my feet and took my breath away. Just as I thought I may just not get a chance to spend my life with someone, here was the man I had been dreaming about. Except, he was married with two beautiful children……
I did not pursue it and for only one reason, for the babies, I’d give a lot to have children of my own and could not imagine having to watch mine go through such heartache, how could I expect less from anyone else. I fell in love and was heartbroken in just moments and still am but I know it could have gone down a worse road and I have self-respect and am still strong and happy with me. The man I fell for? He’d assured me there was nothing left of his marriage long before I met him, I urged him to deal with that no matter what, you can’t live in a loveless marriage forever (that too will bring out the worst in people).
We all have choices to make, sometimes between two just as sad or horrible things, we might not recognise the better of the two evils at the time. I hope you can forgive your husbands mistress one day, if you are as proud of your marriage as you say, you owe it to yourself and family to not become a horrible, angry, bitter, self-loathing mess.
@rescuingmymarriage – Actually “whynotmoveon?” Has an extremely valid point. The fact that you didn’t read past the second line when she in no way was trying to be offensive and in many ways was trying to lovingly give you perspective shows signs of someone who’s not completely sure of their decision. People who are sure can listen to other people without blinking because they are just that sure.
I know it’s hard. It’s extremely hard to except certain things when you want your relationship so badly. But in the back of your rational brain you should probably ask yourself why it is that so many women here are telling you that there’s something wrong with how you’re completely blaming a woman who, unlike your husband, never promised to uphold the sanctity of your marriage? That was HIS job, not hers. You speak of all of the classical things that mistresses say but I noticed that you’re also saying classic things that a wife who’s afraid of being alone might say. For instance, you said that she’s tried to “steal” your husband but the reality is that men don’t do anything that they don’t want to do and unless your husband is mentally slow, he knew exactlt what he was doing. Think about how many times you may have tried to influence him when he didn’t budge! He didn’t budge because he’dalready made up his mind. This is no different. Men are intrinsically interested in their own well being and this is why they will never do what they don’t want to do. However if this is what you need to get through your daily life – this deluding yourself – then ok, do what you need to do to temper your fears but please don’t post something like this because it not only embarrasses us as women but you and your actions are actually setting us BACK, Still, I know this was not your intention so I I wish you well and hope that you get all the emotional help you’ll need because you’re either going to kill your very soul with attempts to live this pretend existence with your husband (when you ignore the next affair) or you’re going to finally realize that you deserve more and eventually have to act on it. Be well.
Take your fake-ass concern trolling elsewhere. You’re the only one embarrassing women. I suspect RMM touched a nerve with you… How many married boyfriends have YOU had?
So Cay James said: ” Why it is that so many women here are telling you that there’s something wrong with how you’re completely blaming a woman who, unlike your husband, never promised to uphold the sanctity of your marriage? ”
Okaaay…
Well, Cay James, women have to ALSO be civil, respectful, considerate (and those words that are cliches to you) by NOT choosing a man that they completely know who’s married or a boyfriend.
Consider that we all hold men to NOT choose a woman that they already know who’s married or another guy’s girlfriend. Any guy would tell you that…
“NO, it is not okay for some guy to go after my wife or girlfriend when he obviously knows that I’m in the picture and I’m her husband or boyfriend. That guy would be a total Asshole for making that choice.”
Really, Go and Ask.
Also if you, Cay James, tell me that just one guy says he would only lay responsibility on his wife or girlfriend, then to me you’re obviously making up that example since any guy would not say what you really want to be righteous about.
So, in all, Cay James a woman must NOT just believe that…
“…Because it’s my vagina, and no one can tell me what to do with it…” is OKAY.
This opinion of…
“I can do with my vagina whatever I want. So I can proposition and go after anyone (married or single)” is WRONG.
This is an abusive belief. Women are Assholes when they’re people who don’t care and rant about only the guy they went after as being the only accountable person. …And obviously these women alienate those people that they’ve disrespected, hurt and disregarded.
Also, Cay James, you’re an idiot for believing that many women have accused Rescuingmymarriage. Those women that you quote are just a few and not the majority.
So, Cay James, you’re quoting about 4 women who have argued that a woman can’t be held to a standard to NOT proposition another woman’s husband or boyfriend.
These few women only want women, as a gender, to be excused and allowed to be Assholes to any woman with a relationship. They want to NOT be judged and told they are doing a wrong thing and to stop it.
But since you, Cay James, want to support these few women who say…
“That chick is NOT required nor expected to respect your relationship,” then I criticize you as well.
Because just like men, women must have honour (another cliche to you, Cay James), and must be empathetic to receive empathy and be respectful to receive respect.
So you or anyone else has to be civil in order to earn civility back. And so you, Cay James, are being an Asshole by just trying to look right with your opinion that women can do whatever they want with their vaginas and NOT respect another women’s relationship when they obviously know that this guy they want is married or a boyfriend.
While I applaud you for working on your marriage, you have a lot to learn about love, forgiveness, responsibility, and human nature. The glaring obvious thing that you seem to not have tackled is, that in his mind, your marriage and your vows meant absolutely nothing to him while he conned another woman into falling in love with him and having unprotected sex. And while it takes so much bravery and courage to keep a cheating husband, deep down you will always have that scar on your heart as a reminder that your marriage is not the impenetrable fortress of love that you once thought it was.
Now, you speak a lot about statistics, and history and statistics will show you that once a cheat… Always a cheat. As a woman who has been on both sides of this equation, I can offer you a little insight. WE ARE ALL HUMAN! And while I would like to report to you that this kind of thing will never happen again, I cant. What you have to understand and accept is that no one is perfect. You have the most potential for growth and understanding when you can take a good hard look at yourself and your husband without the rose colored glasses that getting married seems to provide and accept him as he is… human. For both of your sakes I hope he never does it again but never be too comfortable in believing it can’t or won’t happen again. You married this man… Flaws and all. Accept that something was awry in the marriage that may have caused this rift to begin with. Accept that you maybe somehow indirectly attributed to him going astray. Accept that he is a selfish asshole who stepped outside of his marriage to satisfy himself with a woman who wasn’t you and she is just as much the victim as you are in this. Take a real sober look at your husband and accept him as he is. Forgive him. Forgive her. Do what’s fair and right for all the children involved. Regardless of whether she went off birth control or not, that innocent child didn’t ask to be involved. I hope the 3 of you grow up and let go of who was right and who was wrong and forgive each other.
While I understand your complete and utter disdain for the mistress… She was duped into loving your husband and believing all his lies just like you. Please grow up people. You don’t know real love until you are able to take off the rose colored lenses and see each other for all that you are… Good and bad and still love them anyway. But don’t you for one iota of a second think you walked away with some grand prize because you through down the wild card… And stayed with him just to spite the other woman who also loved him. You need to take a good look in the mirror and research your own motives and soul and focus inward instead of directing all your blame on the other woman. Everyone was hurt in this scenario by one person… your husband.
That’s the only statistic you need to focus all your energy on. If you really love him… Work it out. Truly forgive them both because that bitterness you’re harboring doesn’t hurt the victims its intended for, but rather the vessel carrying it.
So much to say but you havent read the blog in its enirety. My husband didn’t con anybody into falling in love with him. He was simply looking for a vacation from his life. He wasn’t looking for a girlfriend, he wasn’t looking for a commitment, and he wasn’t conning anyone falling in love with him. Isn’t that always the assumption, that the man is lying to both? He was only lying to me. He told her he loved me. She tried to convince him he didn’t. But, there was a woman who saw a man with a high earning potential, knew that he was married, and tried every trick in the book to get him to leave his wife to be with her. That is a fact. I have completely forgiven my husband, and I have forgiven the other woman. I coach betrayed wives and know a great deal about love and forgiveness, but I appreciate you feeling this was a shortcoming for me. It would be nice if people who commented on the blog would actually read the blog before they made assumptions as you have.
How dare you suggest that I had anything to do with my husband having an affair. That, my dear, actually shows me that you know nothing about affairs. Men don’t have affairs because of some “problem” with their wife. There are as many bad marriages that don’t result in affairs as good marriages that do. I had nothing to do with his affair. In fact, I was never consulted. Had I been, I might have suggested otherwise. Now, I take complete responsibility for my role in the marriage, but betrayed wives hold no responsibility for the decisions their husbands make.
Oh and the comment that the other woman is also a victim? Give me a break. She made a choice with full knowledge to bed down with a married man with kids. She knew he wasn’t leaving me. She stopped birth control. Not a victim.
This blog has recently brought me so much comfort and understanding from all points and views.
I recently found my ex was having affair with a women that is now pregnant. After only 5weeks of me packing up and taking our kids and leaving him. @rescuingmymarrige you couldn’t have explaine this any better. After reading all the other comments there are valid points. Yes your husband is at fault as well and he’s taking responsibility for his actions.
I was pretty much in the same predicament. The difference was I found out before he could tell me. I packed up, took the kids and left him. He stayed with his mistress she’s now pregnant. But, I do know how you explained it through the mistress eyes is pretty spot on. My ex had no intentions of me finding out and she had every intention to getting herself pregnant and attached knowing his situation. He was Vulnerable. The kids and I went on a two vacation to visit my family of course the flirtation and him opening up to her happened before the sexual interaction. So know he was not innocent pior to me leaving. Once the sexual interaction accrued she was hooked. I say that now looking back at all the facts. When the kids and returned from vacation. I knew something definitely was different about him. I was gone for 2weeks and when I returned we didn’t get intimate for couple days. Which was a huge red flag. So I took note of that. But we slowly got back into the routine of things again. Btw he’s a personal trainer. So his schedule is biazzar very open to having successful Secret affairs. But for the most part I had his schdueal down but I would never truley know if has sudden cancelations or he can easily move clients around. Now with that being said, I do believe he stopped sleeping with her when I returned but keep in contact with her. Till he wanted that sexual thrill again. One moring he got up a 4am instead of 6am he took very long shower and I noticed he shaved not saying he didn’t need too. But keep in mind my gut was on alert already and coming Friday I called his card and he went to the movies the day shaved. I texted him I told I know he’s cheating and I was done. And of course he put what are you talking about I’ve been at work all day… I told him to find a ride home the keys under the door mat (we only had one car under my name and i wasn’t going to let him use it) and I slept at a hotel with our kids. And the mistress of course came running to his rescue I can almost guarantee she had a grinch grin going on. He knew there was know way I wanted to save our relationship. The kids and I had already been through enough. So I packed the kids and my clothes left everything else booked our flights and came to my mothers less than week later. And via emailed him that we were no longer living in our home. He currently staying with his mistress as soon as officially left him she posted a picture of them and has tages it #lovehim she’s now pregnant we only been gone for 5weeks. I confronted he denied she’s pregnant but she’s posting it all around excited and thrill I know he’s feeling really screwed. And it’s his karma she got him right where she wanted him. He FaceTimes the kids and I’m working out a parenting plan with him being very civil because deep down I know I loved him once and our kids love him he loves them and I will forgive him for what he has done to his family. I totally respect your choice of working it out with your husband. Your husband was a man enough to know he was hurting his entire family. My ex was stuck on the I only hurt you not our kids. But I do now believe he’s realizing what he has done. And it’s to bad. He is now stuck with that woman you just explained through a mistress eyes… For the meantime.
What if they had a one night stand that produced the child? Kept the child secret for more than 11 years as not to breaknup the marriage. The husband was never informed of the child. Then when the married man sees the son can see that it’s his 1st born and immediately wants to be in his life. Announces his marriage is over and he’s out the door and the two produced another child together again without the knowledge of the wife.Was the mistress still trying to hold on to the MM or keep a connection with him?
Unfortunately your post is still missing a lot of other possibilities. Your husband gave her false promises – he lied to her. Wildcard or not, he led her on and made her believe what she did. Just because he didn’t have the guts to tell her doesn’t mean she was establishing some kind of ‘game plan’. Maybe this helps you feel better, which I understand, but the depression and life of a mistress is ten times more complicated than anyone could ever explain. Try being in love with a man who promises the world and leaves you empty with nothing… only the strongest survive, and after you have been lied you, you literally have no choice.
I’m not sure we’re talking about the same story. My husband didn’t make a single promise to her, nor did he lead her on. She knew he was married and had no intentions of being with her. I don’t know how she was led on when his intentions were clearly stated. I have every email they ever sent one another.
How do you know what you husband told her. He just lied to you to shut you up. He also probably came back to you so you would take what he owns. So men cheat, that their way out of a marriage and if he keeps cheating what does that tell you. Don’t be so quick to believe everything he tells you and don’t be surprised that he loves this other woman. He is probably still seeing her. Just hiding it better so you won’t find out. He is very sexually active with this woman.
Because I’ve read all of the emails as part of a legal case where they were all presented and she and he released them all 🙂
Ok that just made me laugh out loud. Firstly, check your grammar. Secondly, educate yourself on affairs and why they happen. Very entertaining ideas, but not at all accurate. A for effort though 😉
Wow how interesting this blog, going on for years. I was the mistress, and I got pregnant. While his wife was pregnant too. Now in the end, I can tell u, we are all trying to make the best out of it and not destroy each other’s lives. I will give you the facts as we were all very open about the truth. We met as co workers, he chased me, I was like a breath of fresh air for him. He could not let me go while I told him several times this would soon end up in a bad situation with fake expectations. He agreed, was married for 5 years, together with her for 16 years since teenagers. He told he loved her, he adored his daughter. He left her before for a few months but then returned out of guilt. I told him to let me go so we won’t get ourselves and his family in a mess. He agreed but still, kept chasing me. I was attracted to him and one drunk eve, we slept together. After that I begged him to leave me alone. But he had arranged a project for us to do together behand my back which I could not refuse because it was work. There, abroad we fell in love and I got pregnant soon after, while using protection. I wanted to keep the child. He understood. I never expected a relationship with him to work out. I knew he lived her but he fell in love with me. She was his rock, I gave him butterflies. She was his life, his family, his fundament. I was the fun part, the thrill, the excitement. He told her. They worked things out, especially the birth of the second child helped to get his world in order. I still gave to give birth in 2 months. I am often a wreck, I feel scared and then I cry like a baby that this journey will be hard. But I have many friends and family very close by. So u will be fine in the end because I know I am not alone in this. And I will find love again with someone else. Like so many single parents do. I know that he moved on and his feelings for me went away with time apart and the love for her grew stronger now they fought together through this and kept their family together. I truely felt sorry for the pain I caused her and would never wanted to break up their bond and family. But it all happened because of the law of attraction. And it made not one of us a bad person, nor a sad person, nor a pathetic one or a fucked up one. Its just life and stuff happens in life and in love. The truth is that we will all be happy in the end because that is exactly what the three of us wish for.
You’re husband is a cold person if he can punish a child by having no involvement with his own flesh and blood. Your husband created that life, like it or not and needs to be responsible. He’s teaching your children to be irresponsible. God bless that poor innocent child.
The only reasons most men go back to their wifes is because he doesn’t want to lose what he has worked so hard for most of his life. It’s not because he loves his wife. Why are most marriages sexless? Because the husband wants another woman or his mistress. So let’s be for real if a man cheats and is with the other woman for several years that should say a lot about your marriage. He no longer wants to be with the wife and wants to get caught because they want to hoping their wife would leave but no she stays in a marriage thinking her husband still loves her but instead loves another woman. Now he is depressed and moody all the time. Then when he cheats again he is hoping one day the wife would get the hint he wants to leave. So why stay with a man that cheats all the time. Signs meaning he wants out. Then when he finally free he meets a woman he never cheats on.
If a man is with a mistress for many years already, it says a lot about the marriage and his true feelings. WIFE, pls dont convince your self that its just about sex why he cheated so you can feel better. If a person loves you truly, itll be unimaginable to hurt you even if you wouldnt know. Hence, he wouldnt be out touching someone else behind your back. -fact.
All I see is a bunch of women failing to acknowledge their husbands are liars.
Look harder 🙂