Advertisements

Lucky


I realize that my posts thus far have all been fairly negative in their tone.   Reflecting back, they either show anger or sadness on my part, and I don’t want this blog to be all about that.  My original intent for this blog was to be a place where people who have recently discovered an affair could come, read, and possibly glean some hope for the future.  It does feel bleak in the beginning, and I won’t kid you – it doesn’t disappear right away.  For some, I imagine it doesn’t ever disappear.  There are days when you wear it like a coat, others where you can take it off, and still others where you swear it has permeated you, and become a second skin. I don’t want this blog to only be about negative days, sad discoveries and angry feelings towards mistresses and philanderers.  So, today I am going to talk about how lucky I am.

Lucky.  Not the word you would expect to hear from a woman whose husband has confessed an affair, and who has fathered a baby with another woman.  Dissonant, isn’t it?

I’ve done a lot of research into infidelity, and realize that my scenario could have happened in so many different ways.  It isn’t often that an affair is confessed.  Usually, an affair is discovered, and the information pulled out of the errant spouse who, at first, likely denies, justifies, rationalizes, and even blames his spouse.  His list of excuses could probably circle the globe a few times with room to spare.   Some common ones:

  • You don’t ‘put out’ for me the way you used to, and a man has his needs
  • You don’t support me
  • You never listen to me anymore
  • You don’t seem interested in what is going on in my life
  • You never let me go out with my friends, we always have to go out as a couple
  • You make me feel trapped
  • You don’t get along with my friends/family
  • You aren’t as thin and beautiful as you used to be
  • You’re aging
  • You aren’t exciting anymore, and I got bored
  • You don’t make me feel important

Whatever the reasons,  when an affair is discovered by the betrayed spouse, chances are the philandering spouse had no intention of revealing the secret – at least not at that moment.  Caught in a sudden moment of discovery, the affair is likely denied, the betrayed spouse made to feel like s/he is crazy, and all accusations met with a reason.  Once the betraying spouse is finally worn down, and the affair confessed, he has several options.  The one that he takes will ultimately determine the success of this marriage surviving, in my opinion.  Once an affair is disclosed, either willingly, or by being discovered, the philanderer can approach it in several ways:

  • Take complete responsibility, admit the affair, disclose all details with honesty, and provide their spouse with understanding, patience, and a sincere desire to want to repair the damage s/he has done
  • Continue to deny the affair, become angry and distant, and accuse the spouse of being ‘paranoid’, perhaps even telling them that their very accusations may bring about the desire to cheat in the future (nice one!)
  • Admit the affair, disclose minimal details, show impatience at the continuous questioning from the betrayed spouse, shut down when discussion of the affair is raised
  • Admit the affair, refuse to end the relationship, and expect the betrayed spouse to accept it

My husband chose option #1, and for that reason, I consider myself to be exceptionally lucky, considering he had several options, and it is always easier to deny and defend than it is to admit and repair.  He took the harder road for his ego, but the best road for his relationship and his family’s ultimate happiness, and for that I am thankful.

My husband has always been forthcoming with the details of his relationship.  He tries his best to provide the details I am seeking, even if his memory doesn’t always recall it immediately.  He understands the emotional trauma he has caused me, and is making every effort to be patient, loving and sensitive to my needs.  We are attending marital counseling weekly, and have been for a year. While initially he was likely going for “my benefit”, I think he would agree that we are both getting a lot out of the experience, learning to understand each other better, communicate our needs, and emotionally support one another – things that were lacking previously, which didn’t cause the affair, but certainly made our marriage vulnerable.

Since my husband reads my blog, is a subscriber, and will receive an email within seconds of me posting this, I would just like to say:

Thank you.  I don’t thank you for having an affair.  I don’t thank you for betraying my trust.  I will never thank you for this, or consider it a positive move on your part.  I do, however, thank you for the way in which you have chosen to handle the confession of the relationship, the delivery of the details with honesty and patience, and your sensitivity for the emotional state that I find myself in. I thank you for your  sensitivity to my needs, and a willingness to prioritize the repair of our relationship, even if it means putting your bad behaviour under the microscope, and repeatedly having your nose rubbed in it.  I do sympathize with how hard it must be to be constantly reminded of your mistake, and made to feel badly about it.  I don’t think, if the situation were flipped, that I would be able to do the same.  It must be very hard to have to be the strong one for me when I am thrusting blame at you, expressing anger and sadness, and expecting you to stand strong and ‘take it’ for my benefit.  I know this process is hard on you too, and I am so thankful for the way that you have chosen to support US through this process.  Despite your poor choices, and this immense mistake, the way that you have chosen to approach the situation has shown me a man with integrity, values, sensitivity, compassion, strength of character, strength of ego, emotional connectedness and patience.  Through it all, I have loved you, but for this, I love you more.

Advertisements

Comments

  1. I just discovered your blog and wanted to let you know that from what little I have read so far, I am impressed by your clarity of mind, your openness to understanding all the parties involved, your compassion to yourself and to others, and your courage in sharing your process.
    I am also recovering from an affair, but on my own. My husband chose option #4, and I would not accept it, so he decided to leave. I have also started a blog focused on individual’s recovering alone, however, I have found that recovery alone or together has some similar elements. Namely, the self discovery we embark on that can powerfully change our relationships – with our partner if he journey with us, or alone.
    Thanks for writing; I will be reading.
    Please visit my blog if you have a chance and let me know what you think:
    http://www.affairytales.blogspot.com
    Best wishes to you and your family.

  2. Thank you for sharing your honest and heartfelt words toward yourself and your husband. I, too, am a betrayed wife. I’m less than a handful of months out from discovery and while my emotions seem to have a life of their own, deep down I am also thankful. My husband chose option one and has stepped up becoming a man I had yet to meet in our almost 20 year marriage. He has told me that were the affair to have ended on it’s own, he doesn’t think he’d have stopped being the a-hole (his words) he had become. He believes he would not have told me had I not found out. The pain he has inflicted on me, us, our marriage is more than he ever thought possible (had he been thinking that is). So while I am deeply saddened by the events, I am thankful I found out about it. I believe in time we will be one of those couples where the affair was the catalyst we needed to achieve a more intimate and honest marriage. I look forward to that time but know not to rush it. Thank you again for putting such private moments out into the world for us betrayed wives to gain comfort and courage. You are truly helping with my hurt.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: