I haven’t blogged in a couple of weeks.  Usually I blog when I feel the need to express something because I am angry, sad or happy.  Right now, I am just….BEING.

Things have been good lately, and I am pleased to say that I am spending considerably less of my day thinking about the affair or the mistress, and the reprieve feels wonderful.

It’s interesting, I don’t mind so much having the affair pop into my mind, but I do mind the mistress invading my thoughts.  I think that is because where the affair is concerned, I have reasons, explanations and repair work that has been done. so when I think of the affair, I also think of the work that is being done, the commitment my husband and I have to working through this, and I try to refocus my thoughts on the positive.  Where the mistress is concerned, that wound is still very much open, raw, and inflamed.

The other day, while looking through my tax folders for income tax submission, I came across a file folder called “Legal” and peeked inside.  Low and behold it is all of the communications between lawyers and my husband about the details of the affair and the fallout as a result of same.  We have had three lawyers working this case, at different times, across three different firms. An employment lawyer handling the paternity and child support claims, an employment lawyer dealing with the wrongful dismissal suit she has launched because she was fired, and a criminal attorney we retained to assist us when we were considering criminal charges against her for the ongoing harassment.  Wow.  Three lawyers, two consenting adults, and a partridge in a pear tree.  Where do I fit into all of this?

So, there I sat on the floor of the home office looking through this file folder at the volumes of letters, lawyer fee statements and official documents.  One document in particular stood out for me, and I read it.  I really wish I hadn’t because the content disturbed me.  It was a dictated account of an exchange between the mistress and our family lawyer when she came to his office insisting to speak with him about why my husband and I were “bullying” her.  Is she serious?  We are bullying her?  Because we stand united, and refuse to allow her to break up our family, we are bullies?  Because he fired her after the shit hit the fan, and she no longer had any power over him, that makes him a bully?  Because we won’t stand idly by and allow her to douse us in her poison, and request legal protection, we are bullies?   She really is fucked up.  Pardon my language…

The lawyer, upon meeting with her, had asked his law clerk to sit in on the meeting and take notes.  Those notes informed the document I was reading.  In the document it stated that the relationship was romantic in nature, and that it was consensual.  She stated that she loved him, and he loved her.  It also stated that the only reason that they aren’t together is because of me.  Somehow *I* messed things up for him.  Did she really expect me to step aside?  Was I supposed to bend over and take it up the ass from her?  I don’t think so.  Where does this sense of entitlement to what is mine come from that she thinks that it is wrong of me to interfere?   So it’s wrong of me to interfere in their relationship, but it is OK for her to interfere in a 10 year marriage?

I can’t express how beyond angry and sickened I am by her, and when I read these things, or hear of her latest actions, I am livid in a way I can’t explain….and that is a big deal since I like to use words, and when I can’t…you know its BIG.

I continued reading the account of that meeting.  Towards the end it stated “She maintains that their relations were quite frequent. i.e. 5-6 times per week . Was I reading that right?  She claims to have been sleeping with my husband 5-6 times a week?  That is like everyday except Sunday – what the hell?

This upset me for two reasons:

1. He has never had sex that frequently with me
2. He told me it was infrequent so this sent up red flags that he was lying

I told him immediately about what I had read.  Therapy has taught me not to keep these things inside.  He reassured me that her statement was false.   They were not together that often, and he chalked it up to her making more of this than it really was.  He mentioned that the lawyer had joked to him that as a result of that statement, he was considered among his office staff, to be quite the stud.  My husband later quipped that for a 42 year old man that would be quite the feat – 5-6 times per week.

The whole thing left me with a sour taste in my mouth, but since that day almost 2 weeks ago, I haven’t really given the affair much thought.   My husband and I are communicating better than ever, and I no longer feel as apprehensive about raising my fears and feelings about it to him.  I know he is there for me, and wants to help.  I trust that.

I look forward to the day when I can go a whole day without it invading my thoughts.  I can’t wait to feel free again.  This burden is so heavy.



  1. dotcablogger says:

    Hey lady. Wow, you deserve support for being in the right. Maybe you don’t get told that you’re right and have the right to guard and fight for what’s legally yours. In this Hollyweird case, you’re defending your legal marriage AND that’s completely to be sympathesized with (Your marriage is like property because your have legal documents stating its existence and exclusivity with your name on it?). So don’t doubt your anger. This other woman is fucked. By all means call her morally fucked up.

  2. dotcablogger says:

    I mean you have several people rooting for you. People want you and your husband to defend your marriage (your union recognized by law, state and family) from amoral trespassers. Treat your marriage as a relationship you had worked for and currently own. You would defend your house, car, your debit/credit cards, kids from being compromised? And the law will help you out with its provisions for you. So your assets and children are legally yours and your responsibility. Could it be that when a person attempts harm, you have commonlaw and law to back you up? Kids eventually reach majority and become independent, but you always own your marriage. Only you and your husband can legally dissolve it. This woman who’s trying to trespass and rob you two, you have the law and people’s empathy to help you in kicking her out and keeping her away.

  3. dotcablogger says:

    That day is almost here 🙂

    • Thank you so much for all of your support. It means a lot to me that you check in on the blog and take the time to share your personal feelings. I really need to hear those words, and appreciate them very much. Thank you.

  4. I just started reading your blogs, they really are helpful for me, I have all of the roller coaster emotions, and it makes me realize they are real and that I am not losing my mind!! Thank you!! I agree about the support group sitch and am going to try and get one going in my area with a psychologist friend of mine. I think doing something positive is a good way to get rid of the negative!!

    • I agree!!

      I also applaud your desire to climb out of the hole. It’s easy to get stuck there.

      Check out the beyond affairs network and see if your city is listed in the BAN support groups. Mine wasn’t, but now is 🙂

  5. Thank you for these posts on your blog. Though I am still going through your 2011 entries, it has already helped me immensely. I found out my husband was having an affair 2 weeks into their relationship and unfortunately, he was so clouded that he couldn’t decide where he wanted to be and dragged on for another month. I now too have a psycho ex-mistress in my life who is now 2 weeks pregnant. After uttering death threats to my husband regarding how she was to kill me and having my children watch (kids are 8 and 7 year olds), my husband finally saw the light and has decided to recommit to our marriage. He couldn’t believe that I would be there to save him from this mentally unstable woman despite what he did to me. This all happened just a week ago and I have to say, while I love my husband still, I don’t believe a word he’s saying. Unfortunately, the ex-mistress is not open to have an abortion and doesn’t work and doesn’t drive. She threatened to financially break us. My husband and I have consulted with a lawyer and we know what our financial obligations are and while it is going to take a hit on us financially, we will still be able to live our everyday lives as we are now.

    Your account of how entitled the ex-mistress in your situation is like what the ex-mistress in my life is like. Somehow I am the bad and evil person. I’m the one that is out to get her. Somehow, because I am willing to stay and stand behind my husband to save a 10 year marriage is an act of a bully to her. Thank you so much…I am seeing so many similarities in my situation that your words have been a great support.

  6. Thank you for your blog. It has been the most helpful thing I have read to aid me through almost identical circumstances. All my best wishes to you both.

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