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Bipolar


Some days, I feel bipolar.  I wake up feeling great, and within minutes, I feel like crap.  I have good days, and I have bad days.  I think all of us who go through this do, so I don’t feel abnormal about it, but I do notice the oscillations.  I wish I lived on a more even keel.  I am a big lover of predictability, and I hate that I can’t even predict myself some days.

Today I find myself feeling more tired than usual.  I am supposed to be getting work done, and I can’t bring myself to focus and concentrate on anything.  I would prefer to sit here and type out my feelings.  Yes, it means I will be behind tomorrow, but then maybe that work will help me to not dwell on the sadness that I still feel.

I am sad, I suspect, because I am feeling disconnected from my husband.  We haven’t been able to spend much quality time together lately, and we’ve had some disagreements that we haven’t properly repaired and swept away.  We’ve had some tense and frustrated moments, and although they were few, I find those little things add up for me, and I need to feel that I’ve closed the door on even those little things.  I feel like we’ve drifted a little from the close place we are in after therapy.  We missed therapy for 2 weeks and it makes such a difference for me.  Our therapist is able to find ways to navigate our discussions in such a way that we slow down.  I find we are always so quick to prove a point, or to defend our position.  I find myself defensive and then feeling attacked and unloved, and then I withdraw.  It is my pattern, and now I know it.  I feel it coming on, and I still don’t quite know how to stop it.  It is comfortable and familiar…it’s what I do.  Anything else feels awkward.

Strangely, what also feels awkward is the acknowledgement to my husband that I feel disconnected.  It is a catch 22.  I feel disconnected, and therefore I don’t feel connected enough to feel comfortable mentioning the fact that I feel disconnected, which leads to more….disconnection.  The good thing is that he reads these posts the moment they are posted, so I at least I know of one way to tell him how I feel when I feel awkward….blog it!  What did couples do before they could communicate using technology?  Maybe they actually spoke to each other?  LOL!  Let’s see how long it takes him to come up from the basement and mention this post…

We sooooo need a babysitter.  We need date nights.  We need alone time.  We need time to focus on ourselves and our marriage and our friendship.  We don’t have that, and it sucks.

If our parents were at all reliable. we would do what I see so many other friends doing – calling their moms to take the kids for the weekend and taking off.  I will never take a vacation without my kids.  I will never have parents willing to help us in that way.   Why are we so lucky to have been blessed with such uninvolved and unsupportive parents in light of this tragedy in our lives?  Why does everyone else seem so much more connected to their families than I am?   I often blame my parents but maybe it is me.

I oscillate between wishing the mistress could stumble across this blog and read for herself what a trash whore I think she is, and enjoying the fact that I can write without doing so FOR HER.

All of this back and forth makes me feel bipolar.  It makes me feel unstable.  It makes me feel dizzy.  I need a good cry.  I am off to my steam-shower to sit in my cloud.  It is what I do when I feel sad and alone.

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Comments

  1. I hate the roller coaster ride of affair recovery. I just want to get off too. I wish I felt emotionally stable. I have nothing more to say except that I can relate.

  2. dotcablogger says:

    >>If our parents were at all reliable. we would do what I see so many other friends doing – calling their moms to take the kids for the weekend and taking off.  I will never take a vacation without my kids.  I will never have parents willing to help us in that way.   Why are we so lucky to have been blessed with such uninvolved and unsupportive parents in light of this tragedy in our lives?  Why does everyone else seem so much more connected to their families than I am?   I often blame my parents but maybe it is me.

    >>I oscillate between wishing the mistress could stumble across this blog and read for herself what a trash whore I think she is, and enjoying the fact that I can write without doing so FOR HER.

    I thought this writing of yours needed a shout from an empathetic person. I’m sorry that your parents are out to lunch and never making themselves reliable. They as people are out of your control. But maybe when you see other women’s moms, you could be making assumptions? That is maybe because of your tired, frustrated mood, you then see people and their relationships idealistically and with envy. But those people have their struggles too, and often their perceived helpful parents have problems too. That is no arrangement is perfect.

    So maybe to help rebalance your feelings and perspective that your life, your lack of date nights, lack of reliable parents, lack of babysitter, lack of something, and lack of that one thing, is just truly you seeing through a current sad lense.

    Aren’t you sometimes hard on yourself? Your sad mood has you looking to see what you believe is what you lack and what others have more in abundance? Can you love more what you do have in your husband and kids? Can you make a list of what you have in abundance in their relationships with you?

    You do have an abundance, and date nights are often overrated. Sometimes the date goes horrible. And sometimes people just bitch at each other on their date night. And sometimes that destination getaway turns out to be crap too. Sometimes the expectation is ideal and out of proportion to what the date can really fulfill. Maybe to have a laugh at date nights, watch Date Night? And maybe to have a laugh at couples retreat, watch Couples Retreat :)?

    • You know, you’re right. If this whole thing has taught me anything, it’s that everyone has their shit. There is no perfect. But when I hear friends talk about a week in cancun and grandma has the kids, I’m jealous. Both grandmas here are mentally ill and one of them is physically incapable. It won’t happen.

      I know date nights can be overrated. But, for those of us with kids, a chance to convey a single thought without being interrupted, a chance to eat a meal while it is still warm…a chance to hold hands across the table because they aren’t busy wiping little mouths…this is what we need. When we go on dates, he holds my hand. He reaches across the table to hold my hand and caresses it with his thumb. He looks at me. We talk. We smile. We remember “us”. I just want some protected time to do that.

  3. dotcablogger says:

    Try VOD and watch Date Night or Couples Retreat on the couch or in bed together? That’s what I meant :).

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