Advertisements

Seeing the silver lining


Let’s face it, when your spouse confesses an affair, there is a whole boatload of crap that rains down from the sky.  When your spouse confesses to having conceived a child with the “lover”, it brings about a new, previously uncategorized form of crap.  It is easy to wallow in the crap and allow it to build around you, leaving you feeling sorry for yourself.

Don’t get me wrong, I have those moments too, but I make a concerted effort to have them less and less.  I am not going to allow her to steal any more happiness from me.

On the night that we found out that the paternity was positive, my husband was very upset.  Upset because the thought of having created life with that woman was disapleasing.  Moreso, he was upset that they were now forever genetically linked.  He wanted nothing more to do with her, and finds her repulsive having seen her true colours shine of late.  Head bowed and face sullen, he told me that the result was positive.  I held him.  It was all I knew how to do.  We don’t get a lot of practice, and there isn’t a chapter in the textbook of life that guides you on how to respond when your spouse tells you another woman has borne his child.  All I could do was hold him.

In that moment, I made a conscious decision.  I wasn’t going to allow this moment to bring us down.  We were in for a long road of downs where she and this child are concerned.  The last thing I needed was to have the beginning of this road painted grim.  I suggested we open a bottle of champagne.

“Why exactly are we celebrating?” my husband asked.  I told him that we weren’t celebrating the news, but rather celebrating our unity to face the challenge together as a team, with a new set of skills we were in the midst of acquiring through this experience.  I saw that moment as a beginning, and thought it was important, in the face of this horrible news, to celebrate our togetherness, our commitment to each other, and our commiment to seeing the process through together.   We celebrated, we smiled, we laughed.   We did spend a considerable amount of time poking fun at her – something we secretly enjoy, and it made us feel united in our front against this evil doer.

As the old saying goes, “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade”.  In this case, life was giving us mounds of crap falling from the sky, and we decided to huddle together under an umbrella and drink champagne.  Cheers to that.

Advertisements

Comments

  1. When life gives you lemons that are hard to swallow, how about making some margaritas instead? I sure could use one! I think it’s very big/noble of you to stick around and work things out with your spouse, despite his affair. I hope things work out for you both… It’s gonna be a tough road with “that woman” being linked to him through childbirth. Ugh, I have the same “linking” that I wish I could wipe out, but oh well… I guess it’s margarita time! 😉

  2. Betrayed2x says:

    Please tell me how to prepared for the birth of the OW child. My husband feels guilty for fetus and is helping OW prepare for child which i feel there is no need for since OW told him it IS HER decision. Btw she had 3 abortions. The only reason she kept child is she thought in her mind my husband would leave me & our 3 kids for her & child; She wanted to destroy our marriage and family. She has told my husband that she gets in altercations at stores & work because she makes statements such as i really dont want a boy–to a woman who lost a boy & her ideal situation would be to have child only on weekends so she wouldnt have to take care of it during the week–to a woman who couldnt have children. I am in counseling and have not made a decision about our marriage. She is sick–called police on me 2x for no reason & when she was told by police she will be arrested if she made another false complaint. She then called cps on me since she couldnt call police anymore–which was unfounded &’closed. She sounds exactly like your husband’s OW from yours/his July 2013 blog. I do feel sad for fetus to have such a horrible deceitful manipulative controlling person as their mother but I honestly do not want anything to do with it. She is using child as a tool. I am at a loss as to how to prepare. I am so angry and hurt.

    • Betrayed2x says:

      Also the OW was a person I brought into my family 6 years ago. She played herself as a friend while all along she was just envious of me and wanted to have what I had.

    • I just posted a long reply to this that somehow erased…ugh

    • Betrayed, first let me tell you that I am sorry. This should never happen to anyone, and I am sorry that this has happened to you too.

      How do you prepare? Well, I am not going to sugar coat it, and tell you it is OK, or that it is manageable, because most days it will feel unmanageable. It will feel like you are sinking. It will feel like you are losing. It will feel like she is winning. It will feel like he is fleeing. It will feel like you are dying. SOme days, you will hope that you are. Don’t give up because none of this is about you. It is about two selfish people, and their decisions have now rocked YOUR world.

      When is the baby due?

      Your husband needs to stop his involvement NOW. How is helping her get ready for baby? Other than growing the baby, which is her role, there is nothing he needs to DO. Nursery decorating? Baby shopping? Emotional support for the OW? No. No. No. No. No. He needs to cut the tie, break the bond, and spend his energy on you. She wants to stay pregnant? Let her. She is making these decisions ONE-SIDED, and so she should also know that in doing so, she is GOING IT ALONE. Giving her ANY attention for what she is deciding is only reinforcing what she has decided. She gets pregnant to get and keep his attention – and it worked. She is using the baby to get closer to him – and it is working. I don’t know what you meant by “he is helping prepare for baby”, but he needs to know where he belongs, and where he doesn’t. I’m sorry if I am being brash.

      You need to spend time worrying about YOU. Try to put baby out of your mind. NOthing you can do, say or exact will have ANY bearing on her choice to have this child. In fact, she is more likely to have and keep it if your husband makes her feel all touchy feely about it. Your life feels out of control….I hated that. I am a control freak and it drove me nuts that there was nothing I could do to stop the out of control train I was on. Take a breath….

      If your marriage is going to survive this, you need to be getting what you need from your husband emotionally. Is he repentant? Is he willing to do what is necessary to right his wrong? Is he prepared to support you 100%? If not, then you are best to walk away NOW, and not bother getting all mired up in this crap that isn’t even yours to deal with.

      Supporting you will mean:

      1. Not putting a time limit on your grief, your outbursts, or your feelings
      2. Attending marital therapy (with a person who specializes in affair recovery), not just FOR YOU, but FOR HIMSELF out of a TRUE desire to learn WHY he did what he did. Learning why helps men (and women) understand and see the red flags that every married person is subjected to, and reinforce their areas of vulnerability.
      3. Letting you vent, cry, scream, blame, yell, pout, etc..as long and as often as you need. Now, for your own sanity, you will want to limit the degree to which you play the victim in your life, but that doesn’t mean you can’t feel. Feel when you need, and remember that life still needs to go on. Be there for those in your life that still need you.
      4. Cutting all ties with the OW. If he wants a relationship with the OC, that is different. He needs to cut ties with the OW. Now.
      5. Get a lawyer who specializes in family law matters. Find out how you can arrange your finances NOW to protect your personal marital share, and your existing children (if there are any) now.

      Prepare for things to get worse before they get better. Consider this healing in three phases:

      1. Marital strenghtening
      2. Getting through the trauma of the birth and the impact it will have. She will pull out ALL stops once that child is born to get at you and what you have. A stronger marriage will weather that a lot better.
      3. Marriage repair and personal growth. After the storm has passed, look into what you can do in YOUR MARRIAGE to reinforce what was broken. Yes, it was his choice and his fault, but there was something wrong in the marriage that wasn’t being addressed. Find out what that was, and work on that so that this can not happen again.

      For now, concentrate on YOU. Give yourself a gift every day of something, no matter how small, that you enjoy. For me, right now, it is sitting outside in the shade of my patio umbrella, laptop in my lap, blogging about something I am passionate about. This isn’t “Work” for me, this is enjoyment. THe kids are playing inside, and this is MY time. If it lasts 5 minutes, that is ok…this is my gift to me. Find what feeds your soul and give yourself some DAILY.

      Surround yourself with those who understand and don’t judge. That is a hard one. I told many of the WRONG people because I was just so desperate to talk. Make sure they will support you BOTH, and not just take sides. A friend who you feel will take sides, will not support your decision to see the marriage through, and it will cause social discomfort later.

      Get into a support group. Go to http://www.beyondaffairs.com and look up the BAN support groups in your area. Join one. It is free.

      While on the site, see if you can attend any of the upcoming seminars. THey saved me. “Healing from affairs” we both attended in April 2012, and “Take your life back” I attended last Fall. I now coach with the team, and will be at the upcoming October seminar in North Carolina for betrayed women only. If you can afford it, they will change your healing, I promise.

      • Betrayed2x says:

        Due October. I am definitely going to try to make it to the seminar. The seminar comes at the best time for me when I will need it most.

        I told my husband I know I have tried 100% to try to work things out but he has not. He says he has to help prepare for OWC so he can have a clear conscious otherwise he would not be able to be the “husband” and “father” he wants to be again to me & our kids. I tell my husband over and over again that there is no reason for contact in any shape or form and if he wants to have a relationship with OWC then that is his choice. She has been threatening him which would harm me & our kids financially. I keep telling him if OW is going to do something she is going to do something regardless. Like I said she is very manipulative. My husband says his priority is to protect me & our kids; that he still wants us to work things out but knows that things will never be the same because he knows my siblings and parents “hate” him. He says if we work things out he will never see my family because he “will not kiss their butt”. My siblings wanted me to divorce my husband the minute I told them about affair, however, are not aware of OWC. My parents did not say this until 3 months later when they knew he was still talking/seeing OW. I was not looking for advice from any of my family but I did not make this clear to them. I needed to talk to someone and thought they would give me the support I needed during such a heartbreaking time.

        I am going along one day at a time and I have good days and bad days. I can’t quite seem to get motivated on some days to do anything but if I do it is usually very late in the day. I am doing something for my self every day. This helps a little.

        I can’t wait until I no longer feel this way. I have been doing a lot of reading and this has been helping. I am also seeing a therapist as well.

        I know one day I will be at a better place in my life but for now I am still waiting for that time to come.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: