Reframing your fairy tale

I was never one of those girls who put a pillow case on my head pretending it was a veil.  I didn’t have my wedding planned by the time I was 12, and I didn’t make believe the walk down the aisle the way some girls do.  I did, admittedly, enjoy  making Barbie kiss Ken, and putting them into compromising positions 😉

I think most girls, and later women, have an idea of the happy ending they wish to have to their story.  They stumble through relationship after relationship, gradually learning the qualities that they deem important, until they one day find their Prince Charming and he asks her to get married.

I thought I found my Prince Charming.   I think as we all start out in a marriage, we all think we found our Prince.  But life moves, and priorities shift, and children arrive, demanding the attention you once reserved for your spousal relationship, and people start feeling tugged on and deprived.   All we can do is hope that our marriage can weather the storms that invariably come, because we have so much invested in it.

But what happens when Prince Charming didn’t read the book and follow the instructions?  What happens when Prince Charming takes actions befitting a villain in the story?  How is that story supposed to end?  How is the main character supposed to find her true happiness when it seems the Prince really isn’t a prince after all, but a fallible guy who made a grave error?  We aren’t really given any direction from Disney there. No one writes a story like that.  So what happens when your story gets written that way?

This isn’t the  marriage I’d hoped for.  I didn’t want to be rescuing my marriage, I wanted to be thriving in it.  I want to wake up in the morning, glance over at the man I’ve devoted myself to and feel complete and utter security.  I want to have the confidence in us that we are loyal to each other and to US.  I want to know that we are on the same page, that we share completely with one another, and that we both desire a close, loving and honest relationship.  I want that, but I no longer feel that I have that, and I find myself having to reframe the fairy tale for myself.

Life is dynamic.  Things rarely remain the same.  Ebbs and Flows happen, taking us for a ride.  Perhaps too, our expectations of what we felt we ‘ought’ to have need to shift as well.  I am a creature of habit and comfort, and frankly I want things back the way they were, and I don’t want this mess.  But, in order to find true happiness again, perhaps I need to abandon the old story, in favour of an updated one?

Will I be living with the pain of this every day for the rest of my life?  It sounds like a jail sentence.  I’m not sure I am up to that, as I don’t think I would be able to give 50 more years of this.  I am riding the hope that the pain WON’T feel like this forever – that it too will roll with the tide and keep changing, lessening over time.  I hope.

My husband just asked me outright why I want to be with him, and that perhaps I am just afraid of the alternative of not being with him.  There is certainly truth to that, but I would like to think that I love him and us enough to give this a try.  I am trying.  Some days, though, I just don’t feel I am doing a good job of it.   If there were no children, I would have asked him to leave a year ago when he told me.  I had less invested at that point, and walking away meant little or no baggage compared to today.  With children in the mix, I feel a sense of duty and responsibility as a mother to provide my children with the best upbringing possible, a secure and happy home.  We don’t fight much, we get along well….is that enough?   I want them to know and feel a two parent family.   Besides, I promised my eldest years ago when he discovered the concept of divorce that “mommy and daddy are different from all those other parents, we won’t ever get a divorce”.   I need to try and keep that promise.   I don’t want to be a statistic.

Some days are better than others.  This weekend has been a pensive one.  Lots of triggers and reminders of the affair, and a lot of doubts about my husband’s 100% honesty about the details.

Some of the things I wonder about:

1. What kind of emails/texts did he send her?   I have a gist of what she said to him, but what overtures did he make?
2. Did he say anything to her that would make me shudder?
3. Did he care about her in any way other than simply a vessel to fulfill his sexual needs?   He says it was nothing emotional, but then I hear him say that he offered her a job because he didn’t want her to feel used.  That, to me, shows a caring and a compassion.  His explanation is that he offered her that job so that he could look at himself in the mirror and know that he isn’t a complete heel, but is there anything more to that?

I’ve been told that I may never have all of the answers, and that is unnerving to me.  I need answers.  I crave answers.  I research and FIND answers.  To leave something open and unfinished means to never close the wound completely.

The question is whether I can ever be satisfied without knowing EVERYTHING, and can I reframe my story in such a way that although it isn’t the life I’d dreamed, can it nonetheless be something wonderful, even though it is different?



  1. dotcablogger says:

    Yes, believe that not fighting much and also getting along for the majority of the time counts.

  2. dotcablogger says:

    >>My husband just asked me outright why I want to be with him.

    Shouldn’t he ask himself to have more confidence in your reasons?

    I mean, yes I am a stranger but I have observed infidelty.

    So lets say that you two give up and get a divorce. You spend years or a few years being single, and then finally date and settle with other partners. Is this relationship with someone else necessarily better? No, not really. The truth about people or most people is that they can and will act crappy sometimes. So the adage is “same shit, different pile”.

    So with this observation, you two divorcing is not on the table for closure or solutions because any other person you replace one another with will act crappy sometimes. This insensitive, bad behaviour could be cheating all over again, or it could be a personal vice like compulsive shopping, online gambling, and the list simply goes on.

    So go by this observation and have confidence that you two have a good marital relationship as it is and as you two adapt it. Another person will also fall short because there are no Princes and Princesses that can perfectly not transgress, or always meet our ideals.

    Be proud that your husband doesn’t beat you or emotionally cut you down with name calling. Perhaps he should be more happy with himself and see that he should be more content because you have reasons for him to take compliments from? Tell the man to take a compliment :).

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: