Face to face combat

The herpes outbreak is back folks.  No, I don’t have herpes, but did that get your attention?   A few posts back, I referred to the mistress as “herpes”, because like the actual disease, she seems to crop up every now and then, and never really ever goes away.  Somewhere under the surface, she is always lurking, waiting to strike out and wreak havoc.  Well, she is at it again.

Long story short for those just tuning in:

Mistress works with my husband. They both leave this job and she starts working for him.  They are embroiled in an affair and she gets pregnant.  He had tried to get out of the relationship many times, but things got weird when she started asking for sex at work, and when denied she would go nuts texting him all night and threatening to tell me, to call the police and scream rape, etc.  She was, essentially, emotionally forcing my husband to have sex with her, even when he didn’t want to, in order to draw him into a relationship.  Yes, there were times when he actually wanted to be with her, but many times that he didn’t, and in the last 7 months of a 10 month affair, he no longer wanted it, and her threats manipulated him into carrying on with a relationship he no longer wanted, but maintained out of fear for losing his family and career. She launched an employment claim, stating she was wrongfully dismissed for being pregnant, and also launches a paternity claim with a family lawyer seeking child support.  There, you are up to speed.

With the most recent launch of her new Human Rights claim that she was sexually harassed (hey wait, wasn’t HE the one who was sexually harassed??), and that he abused his power and forced her to have sex with him (anyone who knows my husband knows he can hardly force a fly outside), we have had to resurrect the employment side of this case.  This has meant providing additional monies to the employment lawyers who represent us in the wrongful dismissal claim.  Because the case will have to be decided, the lawyer has suggested that we set a date for “discovery”.  What this means is that both sides need to sit down in a room together with both lawyers, and share each others’ evidence to support their side.  If there is enough evidence on both sides, the case will go in front of a judge.  If she can prove she was fired for being pregnant, it will go to trial.  If, however, she has no proof that she was fired for this reason, they won’t feel the need to go to trial as it is very unlikely that she would win, and they would suggest a settlement perhaps, or that the entire claim be dropped.

My husband in a room with his ex-mistress.  This whole proposition makes me wildly uncomfortable.  I don’t want her beady little eyes eyeing him.  I don’t want her manipulative tactics, her passive-agressive nature, her wildly unpredictable overly-emotional chaos to affect him.  I don’t want him to be hurt, and I don’t want him to be uncomfortable.  I want to be there to physically stand at his side, show him my support, and work through it together, as we have been since the affair was brought to light.  I was told that I wouldn’t be allowed to be present.  I wasn’t part of the business, and had nothing to do with her employment, and besides, she would have to consent to my being there – unlikely.

**Sidenote:  When she realized that he had confessed his affair to me, and I  hadn’t kicked him out, she sent me a bunch of angry and insulting emails, telling me that he didn’t love me, that together they used to make fun of me, and that he thought I was fat, ugly, etc…  In one of her emails she told me that I ought to start working more so that I could increase my salary since I would now be supporting her baby”.  She ended that sentence with the words “Yay me”.

Throughout all of this, the one thought that brings me comfort is a fantasy that I play out in my head.  Because I wasn’t just deceived by my husband, and was also deceived by her, I have a strong core-centered desire to have her know that we are in love, we are happy. we are doing just fine, and she HAS NOT WON.  Nothing bothers her more than to think that she has had no impact.  My fantasy always involves her seeing us together, walking hand in hand, or him professing his love for me in front of her.  She sees it, she hears it, and it is irrefutable.  I know that she knows that she didn’t win – I did.  This is very important for me, because it is my redemption in all of this.

I need this.  I crave this.  I think this will allow me to move forward.  Unfortunately, it looks like I may not have that chance as I am not permitted to be present.  Regardless of whether I am actually given the opportunity to sit in the lawyer’s boardroom and observe the exchange of information, no one will stop me from sitting in the waiting room, or being right outside the door so that when they all emerge, I am the first thing she will see, and you can bet your sweet ass that I will flash my husband a winning smile, give him a supportive kiss on the mouth, take his hand and then walk off with him so she has to watch.  I may even turn around, flash her a smile, and say “Yay me”.



  1. Ohhh…that would be epic.
    As someone who was in that position once (thought I had triumphed over the affair), I wish you well.
    Good luck. I’m happy that the vows meant something strong enough that you both will use this as an experience to grow back together.

    • Thank you so much. If you have blogged your experience, I would love to learn from your wisdom on how to best deal with this aftermath. We are trying but it is a daily struggle to reconnect. We’ve learned so much about each other and our marriage and we now understand how our marriage was vulnerable.

  2. I have blogged. But, I don’t know if I have any wisdom about this. I thought we had triumphed over the affair and thought we had made great strides toward healing, but last year she re-connected with him. She seems to have forgotten that she realized he sucked her in to a fantasy the first time, had only lies to give. The escape it allowed proved too pwerful for her. So although we began along the path of healing and using the experience to strengthen our bond, it did not hold. I wish it had for she was the person I planned to spend my life with. But who she is now, is not who I married. So…

    • I am so sorry. From the reading that I have done, and it may not be accurate to any one person’s situation, women’s affairs are very different from men’s. Men can cheat without their being an emotional connection with the person they are cheating with. Women can’t separate emotion from the affair. By the time a woman is ready to engage in an extramarital affair, she is usually already emotionally detached from the marriage. That is a hard thing to recover from, and I would imagine that many women then simply go through the motions, doing what they think they OUGHT to be doing, but when no longer feeling that connection, and that emotional intimacy, they simply can’t rekindle it, and the marriage ultimately crumbles. It sounds like her affair partner has hurt her, and will likely do so again. I hope you both find your ultimate happiness, and if she does come back, please consider marital counselling to help you rebuild. I am not clear on whether you had done so initially on your path towards healing. It is a double betrayal and disappointment for you to have her leave twice, and to have to heal only to have that wound ripped open again. I am so very sorry. Peace to you.

      • The person she is with left his 3rd wife for her. He cheated on her at least 3 times (twice with my wife). But he is a very good spin doctor. It was never his fault, he was pushed to it, he was not understood the way he needed to be. Amazingly this is the pattern he has followed after every new relationship begins for him…and almost always while the old relationship was still intact. (I have known him for a long time)
        He helped my wife emotionally detach from me..planting the seeds the first time and they consumated it when my son was 17 months old. We did not try therapy the first time as it appeared that we had made so much progress on our own. The 2nd time, when we started therapy…she had already been in contact with him for a month and he began planting the seeds again.
        I would not be able to have her back. I love her and I miss her and the loss of my family being whole is torture to me…but as my daughter said “Daddy—mom doesn’t deserve you. She is selfish”
        I wish that in some part of my mind I could reconcile with her….but I will never again know wheter what she tells me is true, or simply what I want to hear.
        The best I can hope for is that she sees her partner’s true colors and leaves him before he is able to mess up my son. At that point,. maybe we can at least begin to be civil to each other. I am not mean, but I am definitely not friendly either. The affront is too close and too painful.
        So, I wish that I had a very succesful story to tell you. I loved my wife more than I thought I could possibly love someone. I was not perfect…but I can honestly say that my goal was to have our family happy, healthy and whole and to walk hand in hand with my wife 80 yrs from now and have people remark on how much we still loved each other.
        Letting that vision go is the most painful thing I have ever had to do.
        Regardless…please keep reading and I hope that somewhere in my failure you can find tools/ideas to help you both heal.

  3. dotcablogger says:


    Okay you are keeping this lady’s emails as record for supporting evidence for your family’s defense against her??? Right???

    Please keep all the harassing, gloating, malicious emails that this woman emails to you. Keep everything so that you can use this hateful crap against this creature. And yes have comfort in knowing that even a stranger thinks this thing is a creature and not a woman deserving of sympathy nor respect. She disgusts me.

  4. dotcablogger says:

    You and your husband must keep every single email, text, that this woman sends you two — either to just your husband or to the both of you, or to just you. Keep every piece.

    Print up all the emails, put them on a memory stick, or forward them to your lawyers to mince and show that this woman is wanting and trying to cause harm to your family.

    Definitely keep the email of her outlining a deal with your husband that she would have an abortion if he would leave you and your children to have a continuing relationship with her.

    Definitely keep the hateful, harassing email she had personally sent to you, gloating that you should make more money so as to pay support for her baby.

    This is just hateful and gross intentions and actions from this woman. She’s using, and only using, her infant as leverage or as a chess piece to manipulate family law to inflict harm on your husband, you, and your children. You better have smart lawyers who know and see this. If your lawyers are dumbasses, then get better lawyers.

    I’m really confident that despite how this woman is using her baby to have family law on her side to inflict harm on your family, a competent lawyer would see this for what it is and use her emails to your family as damaging evidence against her.

    • Yes, we have maintained all of the emails in this regard. She had even sent an email when the shit started to hit the fan, called “how to know when a woman is upset” and it had a bunch of vandalism pictures, cars with broken windows, billboards that had been bought by women for the purpose of destroying the reputation of a man, cars with pitchforks in the hood etc…. was that supposed to be a threat? We kept that one too.

      The problem is that we don’t have all of the emails. We don’t have the text messages that she had sent him on the nights when he refused to be with her sexually, and how she would become maniacal and angry and spend the night threatening to call me. It sometimes was easier just to fuck her than to deal with the aftermath if he refused. Pardon the bad language.

      Our lawyers are very much on the ball. We have retained the top employment law firm in the country, so we are quite confident. The thing that really pisses me off, and this will be another post, is that because she has brought the claim against him, if he wants to fight it, this process will put us out another $25K. We have been told that it may be better to just settle, and offer her a lesser amount to go away. Why should she get ANYTHING? She was fired for a reason, and it had nothing to do with her pregnancy, as she claimed, but due to her lack of respect for the confidential information in the office and a breach of same. Now, because she wants to be a mosquito bite, she can launch a claim that costs her nothing (her lawyer is free remember?) and cost us thousands of dollars to our lawyer, or thousands to her to shutup and go away. Something doesn’t sit well with me there.

  5. dotcablogger says:

    Tough call to make. Go with your lawyers’ recommendation.

    I’m a bit cautious of going with a settlement though — even despite costing more.

    If you make a settlement, that will mean that you’re guilty and she was right in all her accusations (or whatever else she has made claims about).

    If you just look at money and not reputations that are being threatened here, then it’s fine to do a settlement, which is cheaper.

    But if you account for your reputations, then winning over her in court will cost more but your reputations are saved and redeemed from every single accusation she has ever made.

    Ultimately, your lawyers will make the call for you, and I hope their decision work for you guys!

    I think the sitdown or discovery will reassure you guys more. So try not to dread as much 🙂


  1. […] the employment claim that my husband wrongfully dismissed his mistress for becoming pregnant by him, we are facing the prospect of having to, for the first time in over a year, see this woman face to …  The two lawyers will sit face to face with their clients at their sides, and present evidence […]

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