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You can only trust yourself


For those who read or watch the “Harry Potter” series. the mistress is akin to Voldemort in that we don’t refer to her by her first name.  She is “she who shall not be named” in our home.  We prefer to refer to her as “nutcase”, “whacko”, “psycho-bitch”, or more commonly by just her last name.  Our lawyers and marital therapists do the same.   Her name is poison in my mouth and leaves an aftertaste not to mention an emotional reaction.

Hatred is too kind of a word.

I am on vacation with my husband and family, and yet it isn’t a vacation at all from the horror that I am living.  Reminders and triggers of the affair infiltrate my every day, and frankly, I am not sure how I can get past the hurt and ‘move on’ when it is put in front of me all the time.  It is like asking an overweight person to lose weight and putting them in front of junk food 24/7.  You’d be setting them up to fail.  I feel like the fat girl sitting in front of the twinkie, except in my case, it is the betrayed wife, sitting in front of the husband changing his clothes to come to bed, and reminded that the body in front of me has been naked with someone else, has touched someone else, been enjoyed BY someone else.  It’s disgusting.

The last time we came here on vacation, it was 2006.  We had only two children then, and the youngest at the time was one.  We’d taken a few hours to take our eldest up a mountain in a gondola to take in the beautiful views.  We snapped photographs inside the gondola of each of us with our son, and then as a family.   In revisiting those moments today, I showed my sons the images from 5 years ago.  What they saw was a younger version of us, in the same spot we are today, probably looking more rested, definitely looking happy.  What I saw was a man who hadn’t yet cheated on his wife, and a wife who had no idea what was coming.  I saw a son who would have no idea why mommy would one day turn into such an emotionally explosive and easily angered person.  It made me sad for both of us – my son and I.

I wanted to jump through the image and warn her.  I wanted to whisper to her to be careful, to not be so naive, to not trust so openly, to tell her that she would one day be devastated by a blow so horribly painful and emotionally traumatizing that she may not feel she can recover.

Despite being on vacation, my husband and I haven’t spoken more than a handful of sentences to one another.  There is a large wedge between us, and frankly, I am not sure it can ever be lifted.  I’ve remained hopeful over this past year that with counselling and time, we would come to heal the wounds that his actions have created.  We’ve learned the foundation for good communication, and yet while we logically understand it, when hurt, neither of us can do it, and we spiral into an abyss like this one.

In the car on the way home from dinner last night, I asked my husband some questions about his recent financial support of his father, and came to learn that he has been loaning his father $3K per month for the past four months behind my back.  Not exactly the kind of behavior you would expect from someone who is trying to be ‘transparent’ and share completely with their spouse.  Going behind my back and lending our money to his father without talking to me is once again a betrayal of my trust.  Chances are he feels, as the main breadwinner in our family, that the money he lent is “his money”, and, as he stated last evening, since it is going to be repaid, there is no damage done.  How can someone who has been told that transparency and partnership, honesty and reliability on one another is crucial in a marriage, go behind my back and lend money without talking to me first?  Am I not considered an equal shareholder in this family’s finances?  Am I not respected enough to be consulted on something as important as $3K per month, when we are already financing a vehicle for his father (let it be known I wasn’t at all happy about the car, and wasn’t consulted on that either).  Had I not found a letter from Honda mentioning the lease in his name and asked, chances are I would still not know to this day.  Apparently he feels this is OK to keep from me.  It is apparently also OK to have sex on the side and keep a mistress for a year.

Money is the single most stressful factors in a marriage.  Bring financial stress and dishonesty together and I think you have a recipe for disaster.  Cheating with money, for some, is worse than cheating sexually.   When you deceive your spouse, or withhold information from them that you otherwise know they would not approve of, you are being dishonest and cheating the marriage and the partner.  I fear this is a pattern.

How can I start to rebuild trust with my husband when I discover lies and withheld information about our lives, money, and family?  He isn’t being completely honest with me, and this makes me horribly uncomfortable.  I fear this is all a symptom of a much larger problem.  Apparently some things are shared…others are on a “need to know basis”, and I guess I didn’t need to know.

Came to also find out tonight that our lawyer who defends us has been speaking to a family friend about us in a not-so-positive light.  Apparently he has no faith in my husband, and thinks I am a nutcase for staying with him.  Now, either the lawyer is a dishonest creep, or the family friend is lying.  Either way, someone is lying and talking badly about us behind our backs – shocker: another betrayal.

What I pull out of this: You can only trust yourself.  No matter how connected you feel to another person, how cared for, supported, loved. cherished….you can only ever truly rely on yourself, so treat yourself with kindness and respect, and don’t allow others to trudge on you, or take advantage of you.  People come and go in your life, but you will always be left with you – the only person who has ever had your best interest at heart.

Feeling very sad, and very alone.

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Comments

  1. dotcablogger says:

    Yikes! You’re feeling very lonely and unsupported right now. This is normal of course. Look I can’t tell you that you will feel better soon. However could you talk to yourself about each feeling and perhaps shift your perspective that some of your feelings are having you look at your husband and other things askew? I’m thinking that some of your upset feelings are having you look at the people and current circumstances in an off way.

    Also I’ve been on the side of being financially dishonest. And to answer that, I’m calling the credit card company to drop my credit limit. With a low limit, I won’t spend credit beyond our means of repayment. My husband was right to get mad at my spending. And to answer that I’m dropping my credit limit.

    Since you’re mentioning that you’re angry with your husband currently because you believe that he’s being dishonest with your family budget, then can I ask whether you and him have one joint debit account, or what financial accounts do you two share in joint?

    If he’s spending from a personal account that is only in his name, then really that money from that account is his and he can spend as he chooses. You don’t like this answer of course. However do look at your finances for what they are rather than what you expect them to be. Perhaps your expectations in perspective of money are off in this current situation?

    Please be honest about the nature and type of financial accounts that are in use by you, your husband, and your family budget. Do you each have a personal debit account? Do you two share a joint debit account? Do you two each have a personal credit card? Do you two share a joint credit card?

    A personal financial account is simply a money account to be spent by that person. So you really can’t get upset at its nature. What you instead should focus on is whether you two have financial accounts in joint. These accounts you can get upset over whenever your husband dishonestly takes and uses from them.

    In all, I’m a stranger posting her perspective on your blog. Please try to not get wholly dismissive of what I wrote because it may seem not supportive of your anger and argument against your husband.

  2. I agree that you certainly should have been consulted regarding the financials. Having said that, I can tell you that we are in the same position with regards to supporting my father in law. I can only say that sometimes its a cultural thing and its just too embarrassing to admit that your father isn’t the person you thought he was. At least for us, it is very hard for my husband to admit that his father needs help, so maybe that was the reason why he didn’ tell you. Maybe he just doesn’t want you to think badly about his dad. Just a thought. As for the lawyer, I find it hard to believe that they would say anything about your case – that’s very unprofessional.

    You’ve certainly had to deal with way more than the average person in the affair situation. I know it’s hard, I look back on photos with the same thoughts. Hang in there!

  3. Sorry you are feeling so sad and alone and not sure who you can trust. I feel the exact same way most of the time. I think at this point the only thing we have left is our husband’s actions. Words spoken from their mouths mean nothing. Like Dr Phil says, “People show you who they are.” I’m trying to open my eyes and listen to my heart and gut. I think that is the only way I will know what to do about all of this.

  4. dotcablogger says:

    Alonglifesjourney seems really spot on in thoughts here. It could be that your husband’s dad needs legitimate help and it’s a cultural norm to see a dad as otherwise or not needing money from their grown up children. I hope for your circumstances to keep improving!

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