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I’ll take a betrayal with a side of deceit and coward please


Well it’s been an interesting week. I’ve learned a lot, hurt a lot and lost a lot. The interesting thing is that the crazy mistress had nothing to do with it, and for a change that is almost pleasant except for this week has been horribly stressful.

My family went on vacation this week. We started the week very tensely with my husband and I barely speaking. I’ve been feeling very worn out by this entire process, and angry at the amount of money this entire process is costing us in legal bills, child support and ancillary costs. I didn’t sign up for this to happen, and it hurts me for my children that this financial drain is upon us, and that this is a part of their life too – even though at the present time, they are not aware.

2 days into my vacation, I became aware of my husband’s loan to his father. Hurt and upset, and feeling very bitter about having been left out of this important family decision, I turned to someone that I knew would have compassion for the situation, someone who has had their fair share of spousal arguments about money – my mother. I mentioned to her casually via email the status of this unknown loan, and as expected, she was very sympathetic. What’s more, the knowledge of the loan and that it was kept for me fueled a brewing and previously untapped anger towards my husband. Her response? He’s done it again. She saw this deceit and secrecy as another sign of a personality that is untrustworthy. A sign that he isn’t changed one bit and has no intention of changing. Her anger was given new life, as if oxygen had been introduced to her flame. She was ablaze and ready to go.

The next few days were filled with emails back and forth, and while I was appreciative of her support, I became aware that the support was offered in an environment of husband bashing. When I would say something punitive about him, she would essentially applaud through the computer. When I stepped out of her crap-on-husband parade, her tone changed. I’ve mentioned, in other posts earlier the tense relationship I have with my mother, and how she drives me crazy.

In an email Monday evening, she mentioned casually, at the end of her husband-rant how she’d heard from her friend (this friend recommended our lawyer to us, as he’d done a great job getting her a handsome settlement in her divorce), how our lawyer has “no respect for your husband and thinks that you are nuts for putting up with him”. As someone who has just lived through a great amount of betrayal, learning that my lawyer has no respect for my husband (his client) and that he thinks I am crazy for standing by him came as both a great shock and a hurtful possibility. When those close to you turn out to be wolves in sheep’s clothing, my spidey-senses tingle and I worry that I’ve been let down once again.

My first instinct was to email him and ask what he made of my mother’s comment. He denied having had any conversation about us to our mutual friend, and wished me well in light of my mother’s illness. I didn’t feel satisfied by his reply, but I sensed he was offended by my having believed a breach of trust was possible, so I replied again, explaining why I’d asked the question. I mentioned how I’ve been betrayed, feel very vulnerable, and simply hoped he might help shed some light on where my mother may have heard this information. Since he had denied it, I also cc’d the mutual friend into the mix, to she what she had to say. Someone was lying, but who?

Within hours, I received two very angry replies from each of them. Their anger seemed excessive under the circumstances, but I understood they were offended and that may have fueled their anger. I had hoped, however, that as friends, they would understand why I would have asked, and offered to help me uncover the truth. Instead, the lawyer has stepped off of our case, and the mutual friend who has known me since birth has said that she is both “appauled” at my suggestion that she has talked about me, and when I emailed to explain why I’d asked the question, was told that my continuation of this was feeding her ongoing disappointment.

In one foul swoop, I’d lost both a lawyer and a friend.

I should mention that this friend was blogged about earlier, in a post called “loss” and that she disappeared from my life within days of the affair being brought to light. She remains, however, a close friend of my mothers, and has been visiting recently to help clear out my mothers home of clutter, clean and help in preparing for her eventual and unavoidable death.

With both individuals having denied discussing me and my husband, my mother’s comment that her friend had told her this made no sense. I told her the harm it had caused and she told me to apologize to them both, as they had done nothing wrong. “They did nothing wrong?! You said they’d talked about us and that our mutual friend reported to you that our lawyer disrespects my husband (my husband and his lawyer have developed a friendship over this past year), and thinks I’m crazy for remaining married to him!”. Her reply: “don’t take what I write so seriously. I can be colorful sometimes! Don’t take what I write verbatim and don’t go confronting people about these things!”.

A-ha! That explained it…there had never been a conversation between the lawyer and the mutual friend, and the mutual friend had never told my mother anything of the sort. She’d fabricated it, probably because the sentiment reflected how SHE truly feels inside and she wanted me to know it and think that someone with credibility felt that way. Unfortunately, her lie caused me to put two innocent people on the spot, cost me a lawyer and a friend.

My husband immediately got busy trying to repair the damage. He apologized on our behalf and explained that my mother had fabricated it. He also explained that my sensitivity to betrayal led me to jump towards finding out immediately, and that my email had perhaps been less than ideal, leaving both feeling accused. It didn’t matter, he was irreparably upset with me. My husband explained how upsetting this was to him personally, as he enjoys their friendship very much, and legally as starting over with another lawyer would be both time consuming and more expensive. The lawyer said that he would consider remaining on our case, so long as my name was removed as a client, as he wanted no further contact with me, and would only deal with my husband. We replied stating that asking a couple, in the midst of trying to heal their relationship and work in unison, to divide in order to maintain his services wasn’t something that would advance our case, and from a “friend”, wasn’t very sensitive towards us and our circumstances. It was essentially asking my husband to choose between his lawyer and his wife.

Our lawyer is now off the case, and we are seeking new representation. It’s a great lesson in:

1. Don’t send emails when you are emotionally intensified.
2. Don’t hire a lawyer who has an inability to manage conflict well (you need to be comfortable with conflict in order to legally defend people I think)
3. Don’t trust that your mother ever has your best interest at heart, especially when the past has taught you otherwise.

So here we are…betrayed by my mother, unsupported by the mutual friend, and dumped by my lawyer. That’s quite a week indeed.

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Comments

  1. I think….WOW pretty much sums up anything I can say. Whoever is the script writer for your reality show though, is very good. This would sell.
    Not meaning to sound flippant. This is just, freakin unbelievable and amazing. I’m so sorry.

    As to your husband. I don’t know what to say about the money thing. A step toward healing though may be to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he knew that this would cause you more stress and he was hoping to avoid that. I don’t know. I wish I had a known answer for you.
    Peace to you.
    LFBA

    • It IS a reality show, isn’t it? Unreal at times. I’m livin’ the dream, I tell you.

      I agree that my husband didn’t want to stress me with the money so he handled it on his own. He claims he just didn’t want yet another thing to fight about. I dislike his father intensely. He knows that. But, knowing I wouldn’t have approved it, he shouldn’t have gone behind my back and put his father’s needs before his wife. That shows disrespect for me. We will bring that into therapy next week for sure.

      As always, I appreciate your support 🙂

      • Although I recognize that a stranger (me) out in the blogsphere has absolutely no right to put my 2 cents in worth here….please allow me to throw in a personal perspective just for consideration and to play devil’s advocate.

        Given the history, you are treating this as a competition between his father and you. This is completely understandable. You say you dislike his father intensely. You say that you would not have approved. Also understandable. I get that. The trust issue has been violated.
        But…just for a moment try to consider his dilemma.
        It’s his father. he has had a relationship with him longer than you. This was a completely no-win situation for him. Loan money, make you unhappy. Not loan money, make Dad unhappy.
        Does he feel obligated to Dad to do this? Does he feel obligated not to hurt you? Guilty that he already has?
        Can you put this aside and not treat it as putting someone before you?
        Believe me I know you feel vulnerable. I know that trust is harder with this. I know you have been lied to on many counts given the recent revelations.
        But, (and no I’m not advocating for him) maybe he felt he had no choice here.
        Just something to consider. That maybe if you can just consider this, it takes you closer to healing.
        I apologize of I have stepped over boundaries. I don’t know the whole situation or the relationship history of you, his dad etc.
        But….fathers and sons. Even strained bonds are strong ones.

      • Absolutely I see his dilemma. It’s a lose lose, but for the sake of preserving our marriage, in light of the infidelity, he should have made me aware. I wouldn’t ever put him in a situation where he has to deny his dad and watch him struggle. When I day I wouldn’t approve, I mean I wouldn’t feel comfortable, but I wouldn’t outright tell him he can’t help. We’ve discussed the money issue, and he acknowledges that it was wrong to keep the information from me. He says it would have been better to throw it on the table for discussion and for him to express his emotional need to help his dad so that I could see his struggle. We would talk about it and make a plan about how much, pay back plans, schedules of payment TOGETHER. He understands that keeping me in the dark disrespected me as an equal partner in our financial decisions. He has apologized and understanding the quagmire he felt he was in, I’ve forgiven him. We also feel that it was inappropriate for his father to rely on us when he has other sources.

        With us trying to facilitate a transparency between us about facts and feelings, keeping these details to himself violated what we are trying to do. Knowing that I wouldn’t have been happy, he had to decide between telling me and risking an argument, or hiding it and honoring his dad. He chose to honor his dad over his wife, so although I don’t see it as a “contest” between us, in this scenario his father’s request won out over respecting me.

        I value your opinion and am always glad to hear it. I put the info out there, so I can’t complain if people havean opinion. That’s why it’s there, after all :).

        Thanks for reading 🙂

  2. Emotional conflicts are such logic busting things. I absolutely agree, it should have been out on the table. It’s such a struggle to be in a lose-lose situation and have to make a choice and given the history of hurt —he may have felt that the choice he made was the less hurtful to you at the time.
    I hope that your forgiveness of this will propel you both to move forward. From what you say, he is trying. But people are people and they make mistakes. I think more important sometimes is not what we do…but the intention behind our actions.
    I know of a couple that got divorced because the wife was upset that her husband was staying out late a lot for a few months and was non-communicative about it. (short version). Turns out he was planning a surprise anniversary party, organizing everything. keeping her in the dark to make it special etc. She left before the party came about and even though he came clean and told her what was going on, she had built such a begative case against him that she justified having an affair (previous to the correct knowledge). Knowing that her assumptions were false and that she based all of her actions on her own fantasy was not enough. She had already flipped the switch and decided to leave. To me this is a tragedy. People hate gray. They must deal in black and white…even if they know they are wrong sometimes.
    I congratulate you for investigating the many shades that relationships can take and for being strong enough to continue the journey.

  3. I just found your blog… You poor poor girl. I hear you on the whole mother situation. When I called my mother to tell her that I just caught my husband having an affair, she yelled at me saying, “I told you that you shouldn’t have never married him. This is all your fault.”

    Nice… huh? So as much as we turn to our mothers for support, sometimes we need to learn from the past and anticipate the bite.

    I’ll keep reading!

  4. Foolish Woman says:

    I can understand your feelings on this matter. Being the bigger person, which is something you’ve had to do for all these months, gets jolly tiring. You’re having to cope with a range of perfectly normal feelings and this particular straw added more than the camel’s back could tolerate.

    I can also understand why your husband behaved in the way you describe – and lfba makes some good observations.

    It’s good that the two of you have been able to discuss what happened and to appreciate each other’s views and feelings. Although it wasn’t pleasant, it all helps, in the long run, to recement the blocks of your relationship.

    As an aside, I don’t think those who’ve never been on the receiving end of betrayal will ever truly know the vulnerabilities within those of us who have.

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