It’s raining betrayal folks, part one

If I hadn’t just pinched myself, I would swear I was dreaming.  This week has been the most illuminating and surreal week I’ve experienced aside from the date of the discovery of my husband’s affair. 

I left off my last post with a new betrayal, this time from my mother.  She had lied about my lawyer having said some ‘less than favourable comments’ about my husband and I, comments that I followed up on, inquired about, and in doing so have suffered the brunt of this lawyer’s anger for the last 10 days.  I also lost a family friend, although I am not terribly certain how much of a loss it is when she disappeared from my life a few days after the affair came to light, and hasn’t made a single attempt to offer any support.  My description of the loss of that support and friendship can be found here.  I think it can only be called a loss if you had actually something to lose.  She left a long time ago, so her recent angry outburst towards me just supports my claim that she was never really a friend to begin with.

So fast forward to this week…

My lawyer, feeling unfairly blamed for having had a side conversation about me becomes so enraged that he refuses to speak with me, requests a formal removal of my name from the legal retainer for our case, and when my husband asks to meet to discuss this properly tells him that he will only meet with him alone, and not with me present.  I was shut out and placed in the corner like a punished child.  It was unfortunate that he wouldn’t let me speak because after I learned that my mother had lied about it, I was now unable to give him an apology.  My husband mulled over his offer to remain on the case only if my name is removed, and our decision was that this made us uncomfortable.  As we try and unite  and heal in the aftermath of this last year, our lawyer is asking us to be divided in order to receive his services.  The immaturity and egotistical power playing here was apparent to me, but my husband hadn’t quite grasped it.   He told the lawyer that we aren’t comfortable with that, and that we both want to be on retainer (basically telling him that he has something we want, power is in his court), and he says that he will agree to having us both on the retainer….as long as I apologize.

So, here is this man, refusing to speak with me or acknowledge my existence, who has placed me into the corner like a punished child, and is now willing to let me up for air if I apologize.  Does this wreak of a power maneuver to anyone else?  I wasn’t about to play, so when he didn’t receive an apology from me within 48 hours, he sent an email stating that since I hadn’t apologized, that he was closing the case.  My husband reminded him that I have been busy with the death of my mother, and his response:  “Fair Enough”.

Not wanting to subordinate myself to an obviously egotistical chauvenist, the apology I was so willing to give days before was no longer tasting good in my mouth.  Giving it meant acquiescing to his condescension and prostrating myself in front of him in order to get what we needed – representation.   I am worth more than that, so I decided to compose an email that would both satisfy his need for an apology, without really giving one.  I expressed regret that he’d taken my inquiry about his involvement in a side conversation to be an outright accusation, and that I wished I’d had an opportunity to provide it to him when I first felt it necessary.  I was unable to do so, because he had shut me out, and so I told him that it was unfortunate that the apology now had to come as a result of duress and coercion, something, I said, which must be very unsatisfying on  his end.  My husband read the email, I read it aloud to him as well, and he determined that it was too long, and showed that I’d put in far too much thought and care into a matter that we shouldn’t give him the power of thinking we’d pondered about all that much.  So, at his direction, I sent a three line email, stating that I understood that an apology was wanted, that I regretted his misinterpretation, and that I hoped he could interpret this email in the spirit with which it was intended.  I received a reply that said: “that was most unapologetic”.

So here is my lawyer, asking me for an apology as a power maneuver to get the upper hand.  He is given an apology, and isn’t satisfied.  So, I pull my previous apology out of my back pocket, and send that one along.  That was the one that said that it must feel very unsatisfying to have to ask for an apology.  I also disarmed his power because I tossed back at him the very thing that he wanted to hold over my head (my name being on the retainer), and told him that I don’t need to be on it.  It is fine to remove me, nothing changes.  We will still talk about it together and make decisions…my name being formally on a document means nothing to how we proceed.  I’d just cut off the carrot he thought I felt so passionate about.  He has since taken me off the documents, I am no longer his client, only my husband is.  In the meantime, I am looking for better representation, and look forward to firing his fat ass.  It will be epic.









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