Piece by piece

I am drained.  I have been living this nightmare for 441 days. Just when I think I am returning into a state of ‘normal’, I am reminded that I will never again know what ‘nornal’ is.  My normal has shifted to a new state of ‘typical’ and it leaves me feeling depressed and hopeless.

I didn’t do anything.  I didn’t make any choices here.  I am not the one who almost threw away their marriage.  And yet, I am paying the ultimate price for the actions of two stupid, immature, selfish people, ONE of which should have known better.  MUCH better.  We’d talked about infidelity.  We were on the same page about how wrong it is.  He was raised by a serial cheater (father) and we’ve had countless conversations about how infantile his father’s continued abuse of his mother’s trust was.  Was he saying these things for MY benefit, but didn’t really embrace the same values that I did?  Did our vows mean NOTHING?

These are the things I ponder as I look back on the last 18 months.  Yes, that is right, next week will be 18 months.  It has been the slowest 18 months of my life.

Today I had the opportunity in therapy to share a small piece of my feelings about the child support his mistress is set to receive and how much it hurts me.  I don’t think he fully grasps the extent to which this KILLS me inside.  This woman cheated with my husband KNOWING that he is married.  She came to my home and chatted with me twice, once staying almost an hour.  She seemed genuinely likeable and friendly….and the whole time she stood and smiled at me, she knew she was harbouring a secret:  she was sleeping with my husband, and I was the only one in the dark.  What a fool she must have thought me to be.  How laughable.  Did she walk down my driveway with her fingers in the shape of an “L” on her forehead (denoting that I am a LOSER).  Did she laugh at my expense?  Was I the butt of jokes between her and her friends (they knew she was sleeping with a married man).  Was I considered pathetic?  This same woman, upon discovering that I knew of the affair didn’t cower, didn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable, and certainly didn’t apologize for having crossed a MAJOR line.  No, instead she laughed at me, mocked me, degraded me, caused me to question the security of my relationship by telling me that my husband thinks I am fat and used to laugh at me and about me (he claims that was a total fabrication), she sent mean-spirited emails, emailed my family, spilled this embarrassing secret to friends and family and has now made it her mission to drain us of every penny she can.  This is her sport, and she is going in as a warrior into battle.  Willing to do anything, say anything, be anything to get what she wants.  The problem?  She is facing the wrong opponent.  She needs someone equally prepared to go to war, and what she has is my husband. My husband is a nice guy, doesn’t want to rock the boat, maybe-if-I-give-it-enough-time-things-will-improve kinda guy.   His being a ‘nice-guy’ is what got him into this mess.   He goes along with things, and is easily manipulated.  He is being taken for a ride every day.  The only problem is, he doesn’t even realize he is in the car, and has himself fully believing that hs is in the drivers seat, in control.  He has no control here.  She does.  She pays no legal fees and can do whatever pleases her, at our expense because fighting her costs us money.  No, my husband doesn’t put on armor and charge full-throttle into the situation, pin her sorry ass up against the wall and demand that this behaviour, the harassment, the slander, the false allegations that cause us to seek legal support at $450 per hour EACH AND EVERY TIME stop.  Instead he blindly follows the recommendations of our family lawyers (we’ve had two now), who try and keep him calm, reassure him that they are doing what is expected while opening their palms to collect our money the NEXT time she acts out.  I firmly believe they want her to continue because it means more work and billing for them.

Yes she is facing the wrong adversary because you can bet her sorry little ass would be pinned to the wall so fast, she’d likely have seen it whip past her face on the way up.  Put me in the ring with this skank-assed piece of shit, and we’d see how fast her behaviour would stop.  I will NOT STAND for this in my life for another minute.  I’ve had enough.  I am tired.  I want out.  I need to be done.  I can’t handle another day.  I want it to stop.  Now.  It is not the way I want to live.  I did not invite this whore into our lives.  I didn’t bargain for a life where I would do the final bedtime check on my children at night, see them soundly sleeping in their beds, and silently tell them that I am sorry…sorry for not being able to be the mom I want to be, for not providing the family atmosphere I want to provide, the untainted family life I want them to know.   I don’t want to be that mom who has to escape to the closet for a good cry, or who snaps at them out of frustration because my very last nerve is spent dealing with this lunatic and I have nothing left for them.  They deserve better.  I deserve better.  I want to be better, but I don’t know how to get there.

All I know is that I can’t handle another 22 years of doling out a cheque to a woman who is grinning ear to ear at the windfall she’s collecting, earning more in child support monthly than she ever did at her job.  Smiling because she knows she is having an impact, and smiling because she feels she has won.  At the end of this child support term, we will have given her almost $1.000,000…..yes that is ONE MILLION DOLLARS.  That is money that MY children should have access to, that should be going to enrich OUR LIVES, NOT HERS.  I can’t live this reality for 22 more years…and then the possibility that this child may want a relationship with my husband beyond that.  This could be a lifetime burden that I carry.   I would rather have a disease because then I could pray that it would take me quickly and painlessly instead of like this – piece by piece.


Loopy with a side of crazy – I want my life back

For those who have been following the saga, we know that my husband’s mistress is, by all accounts loopy with a side dish of crazy. For those just joining the story who wish to get a more firm grasp on this personality, I will recap:

  • The morning after I learned of the affair, she realized that I hadn’t kicked him out (as she’d hoped), and went nuts.  Knowing that he didn’t want another child, she decided to have the child simply out of spite, claiming to have ‘fallen in love’ with the idea of being a mommy (read: loving the idea of someone loving her unconditionally for once in her life).  She started emailing me and telling me that my husband has to think of her in order to “get off”, and how the two of them used to make fun of my exercise routine, calling me fat, and my exercise group the ‘fat farm’ (I should mention that I am well within my normal weight ranges for my height after having three children, train with a personal trainer and a running trainer twice a week).
  • She said she would terminate the pregnancy if my husband left me.
  • We sought legal protection in order to stop her from contacting us by email, phone or otherwise, and we have made absolutely NO contact with her as we try and rebuild
  • She called my husband’s colleagues and told them of the affair via text message
  • She called the wife of a colleague/friend to tell them she had given birth to his child
  • She emailed my parents and my brother to tell them about the affair under the auspices of trying to gather support for me
  • She threatened to call all of my husband’s colleagues to tell them of the affair under the auspices of trying to gather support for herself (she doesn’t know his colleagues)
  • She stalked us to learn our new home address after we had moved for a fresh start and we found her parked outside our home.
  • She called to laugh at me over the phone and tell me that I am nothing, and that my husband doesn’t love me
  • She sent me emails detailing how they would get together and make love for 12 hours straight and that he was the best sex she’d ever had
  • She setup an account on twitter to document the final days of her pregnancy, naming my husband as the father and outing the affair
  • She stalked my twitter account in order to determine who I am connected with and then sent some of my connections (colleagues) details about the affair and that my husband had fathered her child
  • She posted a comment on my business blog under the auspices of trying to get support for me from my clientele
  • She emailed my husband and I ultrasound images of the baby so that we could “celebrate” with her
  • She emailed my husband a month before the baby was born to tell him that she was in early labour and ‘scared’ and that he is listed on the chart as ‘dangerous’ and that she is registered under protective status (makes a lot of sense to tell someone you claim is harassing you and who you are scared of what your exact location is)
  • She commenced a legal action against him claiming wrongful dismissal which has cost us thousands of dollars
  • She commenced a Human Rights Code Complaint stating that she was sexually harassed and forced into sex, but in her demands asks for her job back and $100K in damages (if you were truly scared of a man and considered him a sex attacker, would you ask to be reinstated in that job?)
  • Last month she sent an email to her lawyer (working for her for free, by the way, while we have spent upwards of $50K in legal expenses), that we continue to stalk her online (never contacted her and have done NO such thing – her name is never mentioned in this blog or her identity revealed for the reasons that we don’t wish to engage her).
So perhaps that gives you a little taste of what we are dealing with.
So, as you saw in my previous post, she is now going to be receiving TRIPLE the amount of child support, and it sickens me to know that she is doing her happy dance at home, earning more in child support payments than she did in her job.
But, to make matters worse, today she sent an email to her lawyer claiming that she would like the harassment from my husband and I to stop.  She claims my husband’s colleagues have been emailing her pornographic information and sending inappropriate emails and phone calls to her home.  She pleads for the behaviour to stop, and claims that she just wants to move forward ‘amicably’.  Let it be known that NONE of my husband’s colleagues are aware of the affair and NONE of them know her personal information, let alone her phone number. It is a complete fabrication.What pisses me off more than anything is the fact that she can make these assenine claims, taking up the time of our respective lawyers’ time, and then we have to pay our lawyer to reply to something that is completely false.  She is draining us of every penny we own, and embarks on things like this as if they were sport.  Her lawyer costs her NOTHING as it is a friend to her father.  Nice.  She is playing games to get us unnerved knowing that it will start a series of communications, and perhaps keep her ‘fresh’ in my husband’s mind, and mine.

I told my husband that she should be forced to PRESENT these emails that she claims to have received, and voice recordings of all voicemails.  When she can’t produce them, she should be told that she is either:
  1. Lying and fabricating bullshit for fun
  2. Truly believing that these events are happening, in which case she is mentally unfit to parent this child and we are seeking support
Something tells me that given those two options, she would admit to having lied before threatening to have her custody revoked due to her being unfit.  In doing so, she would essentially be admitting to having lied, fracturing her own credibility with her counsel.
I am literally at the end of my rope.  I can’t believe this crazy person has been admitted into our lives.  I just want my life back.


I feel violated.

It is one thing to find out that your husband has had an affair.

It is entirely another thing to find out that your husband has fathered a child with another woman.

The first hurts.  The second enrages you.  How could he have been so stupid?

How do you ever get over an affair when there exists a constant reminder of his infidelity?  You are left to wonder: Does he think of this child?  Does he wish to have a relationship with this child?  Will having a relationship mean that the mistress now has a permanent place in our lives?  Will this child seek out my husband later in life for questions or to seek a relationship?

The reminder isn’t just the emotional reminders I just mentioned, it is also the financial one.  Finding out that your husband, the main provider for your family, is on the hook for child support to another woman is a major source of stress.  When you have your own three children to consider, their lives, their lifestyle, their needs….and that their needs may have to be curbed to allow for the provision for another child not borne to you….it is painful to be a part of.

My husband’s mistress jeered at me over email the night after I’d found out that I would be on the hook for child support too, and that she looked forward to me having to pay for her baby.  Of course, I knew better.  I am not on the hook for anything – this affair had NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.  She laughed that she looked forward to getting a cheque every month, and it made me seethe with anger.  I knew this child was merely a means to a financial payoff at our expense, and in the months that followed, she would prove that her only interest was financial as she worked every possible financial angle to secure herself more support. “I need 3K a month for a nanny, and since he doesn’t have anything to do with the child’s day to day care, I expect him to pay 100% of that so that I can go back to school and get my degree”.  Yeah.  Right.  She recently sent our lawyer a note claiming back-pay for childcare expenses she has incurred while attending school to the tune of $350 per week for 18 weeks, or $6300.00, but then refused to provide the information on the identity or social insurance information for the childcare providers leading us to suspect she has her family caring for her child, but wants us to foot a non-existent bill.

Unfortunately, it has come to the time where a formal support agreement has had to be drafted, approved by the courts and then enforced.  I’ve just discovered that the amount we have been paying her will now triple – yes TRIPLE.  She hasn’t been underpaid, but because my husband’s salary has increased, the proportion of child support she is allowed to receive also goes up, along with a signiicant monthly stipend that she can use towards babysitting and childcare while she goes back to school to complete her degree.  Funny how married wives have to suspend their dreams and scholastic ambitions when they have children because they are now MOTHERS who put their children first. but mistresses who get knocked up on purpose in order to collect money can enroll in whatever programs they wish, and have the babysitting funded.  Nice.

Since the amount of childcare we pay is based on table data, calculated by formulas and schedules, rather than on NEED, I can tell you that she is receiving FAR MORE than what is required to raise a child.  What this means is that the money that should be going to MY CHILDREN, MY FAMILY, OUR LIVES is going to allow her to get her hair done, her nails done, buying her gas, repairing her car, supporting HER lifestyle, and we have no recourse to determine how OUR money is being spent.  Makes me absolutely SICK to my stomach. Most days, I try not to think of it, but with this agreement being drafted this week. I haven’t been very successful in pushing it to the back of my mind.  Instead, I sit here counting pennies as I shop for my kids’ back to school supplies. and have denied myself any new clothes or treats for months because we are strapped.  We never had to live this way before, and it hurts me.  Every time I look in my closet at empty space where clothes SHOULD hang, I am reminded of her.  When I know that I need new shoes, but can’t bring myself to spend because it feels frivolous, I think of her.  When I start considering coupon clipping as a means to save money each month, and start buying generic named products instead of brand names, I think of her.

It isn’t just the child who is a daily reminder…it is the pieces of my only life that remind me every day about how it has had to change in order to accommodate this unwanted leech.  I feel violated, and I am sure she will squeal with delight next month when she gets a 3X larger cheque in the mail.  I want to vomit.

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