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Robbed


I feel violated.

It is one thing to find out that your husband has had an affair.

It is entirely another thing to find out that your husband has fathered a child with another woman.

The first hurts.  The second enrages you.  How could he have been so stupid?

How do you ever get over an affair when there exists a constant reminder of his infidelity?  You are left to wonder: Does he think of this child?  Does he wish to have a relationship with this child?  Will having a relationship mean that the mistress now has a permanent place in our lives?  Will this child seek out my husband later in life for questions or to seek a relationship?

The reminder isn’t just the emotional reminders I just mentioned, it is also the financial one.  Finding out that your husband, the main provider for your family, is on the hook for child support to another woman is a major source of stress.  When you have your own three children to consider, their lives, their lifestyle, their needs….and that their needs may have to be curbed to allow for the provision for another child not borne to you….it is painful to be a part of.

My husband’s mistress jeered at me over email the night after I’d found out that I would be on the hook for child support too, and that she looked forward to me having to pay for her baby.  Of course, I knew better.  I am not on the hook for anything – this affair had NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.  She laughed that she looked forward to getting a cheque every month, and it made me seethe with anger.  I knew this child was merely a means to a financial payoff at our expense, and in the months that followed, she would prove that her only interest was financial as she worked every possible financial angle to secure herself more support. “I need 3K a month for a nanny, and since he doesn’t have anything to do with the child’s day to day care, I expect him to pay 100% of that so that I can go back to school and get my degree”.  Yeah.  Right.  She recently sent our lawyer a note claiming back-pay for childcare expenses she has incurred while attending school to the tune of $350 per week for 18 weeks, or $6300.00, but then refused to provide the information on the identity or social insurance information for the childcare providers leading us to suspect she has her family caring for her child, but wants us to foot a non-existent bill.

Unfortunately, it has come to the time where a formal support agreement has had to be drafted, approved by the courts and then enforced.  I’ve just discovered that the amount we have been paying her will now triple – yes TRIPLE.  She hasn’t been underpaid, but because my husband’s salary has increased, the proportion of child support she is allowed to receive also goes up, along with a signiicant monthly stipend that she can use towards babysitting and childcare while she goes back to school to complete her degree.  Funny how married wives have to suspend their dreams and scholastic ambitions when they have children because they are now MOTHERS who put their children first. but mistresses who get knocked up on purpose in order to collect money can enroll in whatever programs they wish, and have the babysitting funded.  Nice.

Since the amount of childcare we pay is based on table data, calculated by formulas and schedules, rather than on NEED, I can tell you that she is receiving FAR MORE than what is required to raise a child.  What this means is that the money that should be going to MY CHILDREN, MY FAMILY, OUR LIVES is going to allow her to get her hair done, her nails done, buying her gas, repairing her car, supporting HER lifestyle, and we have no recourse to determine how OUR money is being spent.  Makes me absolutely SICK to my stomach. Most days, I try not to think of it, but with this agreement being drafted this week. I haven’t been very successful in pushing it to the back of my mind.  Instead, I sit here counting pennies as I shop for my kids’ back to school supplies. and have denied myself any new clothes or treats for months because we are strapped.  We never had to live this way before, and it hurts me.  Every time I look in my closet at empty space where clothes SHOULD hang, I am reminded of her.  When I know that I need new shoes, but can’t bring myself to spend because it feels frivolous, I think of her.  When I start considering coupon clipping as a means to save money each month, and start buying generic named products instead of brand names, I think of her.

It isn’t just the child who is a daily reminder…it is the pieces of my only life that remind me every day about how it has had to change in order to accommodate this unwanted leech.  I feel violated, and I am sure she will squeal with delight next month when she gets a 3X larger cheque in the mail.  I want to vomit.

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Comments

  1. My mother divorced my biological father when I was 5 and then moved to a different country. I have had no contact with my biological father until 2 years ago. That contact was cut short because of the bitterness of his current wife who will not allow me to have a relationship with my father (I am 40, he is in his 70’s) because of conflicts that happened 35+ years ago between the three of them.

    Please, please, please do NOT let your bitterness about this affair interfere with you husband having a healthy and loving relationship with his child.

    You cannot imagine the sadness of a child, who had nothing to do with all the drama decades ago, being prevented from having a relationship with their father.

    • K, I’m sorry you’ve never known your father. To be derived of that relationship by a woman who was involved with your father AFTER your mother is unfortunate and hurtful for you. To have been involved with a man knowing he was previously married is to also accept his past, his life and anything he brings forward, including children. It wasn’t her place, as his second wife to prevent a relationship, but your father is also his own man and needs to be held accountsble for his own choices. He chose his second wife over relationship with you, and that must hurt. I’m sorry.

      I respectfully maintain, however, that our situations are very different. I am not preventing my husband from having a relationship with this child, I just don’t want it to mean continued interactions with HER (the mistress). Also, he has always been married to me, was never married to her. She became pregnant on purpose in order to manipulate my husband and now uses the child as a pawn. If she weren’t completely cruel, psychopathic, narcissistic and deranged, he’d be more apt to want involvement. But, since having a relationship with thic child means subjecting our family to the likes of that woman, he’s chosen to have no relationship with this child, as much as that goes against his nature. She chose him, but I didn’t choose her, so he is trying to respect my innocence in all of this and not asking me to allow them further into our lives. Given her mental state of mind, that’s probably a good thing.

      I don’t doubt he will want to know the child some day. That day, however is not now.

  2. I agree with the previous poster about the child, however, as the wife/victim of a husband who had an affair, spent our money on this woman and her kids (none of whom are his), I agree wholeheartedly with the way you feel. It is a total violation of your life, your rights to happiness, your children’s lives, and violates the family unit.

    As sickening as it is, there is nothing you can do other than divorce him and make him pay you too. Then he’d have nothing. And to be honest, that’s probably what he deserves. However, I know you have your reasons for staying… as do I.

    I wish you the very best in whatever choices you make for yourself and your children. I know it’s hard! We are in the trenches together.. the lot of us, the spouses of cheating and selfish individuals.

  3. Went through the same thing with my ex. It took me four years to wise up and send him packing. Of course your husband will want to be a part of the child’s life. He should be involved. But that will put continual stress on your marriage, having to interact with the mother for the next 18 years.

    The best thing I did was to divorce him. Don’t wait for him to cheat again. They always do. Best of luck.

    • Jane I am sorry your marriage ended. It sounds like you both were never able to reach that place of mutual understanding, compassion and forgiveness. Forgiveness is so hard. Sometimes I think I am there, but truthfully I don’t know what it looks like. I guess I keep thinking that to forgive means that I am ok with everything, but I also know better than to think that….conflictual.

      I think some man can cheat again. If they haven’t completely walked in their betrayed spouse’s shoes to feel and see the hurt they’ve caused, they may repeat it. It depends on what drew them into an affair in the first place, and the degree to which they showed remorse and worked towards forgiveness. Attending therapy has been a life saver for us and transformed us as a couple. We are closer than ever and have greater compassion and understanding for one another. I don’t agree that all men will re-betray. That’s like saying “all dogs are vicious” just because of a few. I’m truly sorry it didn’t work, but thankful you were able to show the strength to leave and find your true happiness.

  4. dotcablogger says:

    I don’t think your husband could have a good emotionally involved relationship with this kid who resulted from his affair. Reason is that the mother will poison her kid’s thinking with her talk and grudges about your husband. Her story of events will always colour her kid’s understanding of your husband. The kid will just simply never respect him, or like him, and even hate him. The only relationship the kid will view as having with your husband is money. MONEY. He will never really be allowed to be a father. He’ll only be allowed to be a bank account for child support.

  5. dotcablogger says:

    What will happen and what won’t happen, I don’t know. I just simply know your husband will be barred from having emotional involvement with the ex mistress’s baby. Not until the baby is older that 18 could he/she make efforts on their own to connect with affection to their genetic dad. Would the kid want to? Well it’s always easier to just take a paycheck rather than make effort to do the thing that was disadvantaged, which is to have an emotionally affectionate relationship. I have to say that I’m a skeptic about the kid ever growing up into an adult who would be fair to his/her dad and give a real chance for a relationship simply because of circumstance of their mom.

  6. dotcablogger says:

    I want to say the kid will want to love their dad, and so much more. But I can’t because, in this case, I have to be a skeptic. I really don’t feel that your husband can ever have equal and fair involvement with the kid to allow affection to grow. The kid is not like your 3 children that the two of you had in marriage. His marriage to you allowed him equal and fair chances to allow affection to grow between him and the kids. The ex mistress was never married to him, nor was a girlfriend, but was a person he cheated with on you. The legal system isn’t enlightened right now to curb the ex mistress in her rights to money, and her rights as the genetic mother, to give him rights to an equal, fair father relationship with the kid. Our legal ethics have to change to be more fair to genetic fathers.

    I want to say “Yes!” he has chances to grow affection between him and the ex mistress’s baby, but I can’t. I keep thinking that he’s just barred by the ex mistress in her quest for money.

  7. dotcablogger says:

    But I want to say “Yes”. That’s the thing. He wants to be a dad to the kid, doesn’t he? And the kid would love having an involved dad. Learning the word daddy to say and learning what he means in his role and what to expect, these things are what every parent and every kid wants.

  8. dotcablogger says:

    Maybe the guy should get legal counsel on access and visitation rights? Too bad joint custody is hard or impossible for him to get. Custody would make it easier for him to have an affectionate relationship with the baby.

  9. dotcablogger says:

    Anyway you wrote here that he won’t because he’s respecting your feelings. Well, I give the guy credit for this :). He’s in a tough position, and I give him credit :).

  10. I appreciate all of the support from those of you who are reading on this. It isn’t so much for me about the relationship my husband has with his child or the mistress that inspired this entry, but rather the pain of having to finance her triple the amount starting next month, knowing how gleeful she will be, smirking to herself, all proud of her accomplishment. Meanwhile, I am scrounging to save money due to the stress. It is just a continuous taking taking taking from me and what is mine and ours. In one way or another, she seems to always have a hand in my husband’s pants (this time his pocket and we are being figurative). Pisses me off.

  11. To answer the issue of his having a relationship…

    My husband falls head over heels in love with his children. He adores our three, and they are his world. He watches them sleep, he beams at them as they tell stories that have excitement in their eyes, he hangs on their every word. He relishes the relationship he has with them and would give everything to protect it. The child that his mistress chose to have is a different story.

    I don’t think I would be able to read what I am about to write with any sympathy whatsoever before I lived it…

    My husband CHOSE to have a family with me. We planned each of our children, and anticipated their deliveries, their growth and the impression they leave on our lives. My husband accidentally knocked up a woman who was hell bent on taking him from his family and tried to convince him that we don’t love him. The decision to have this baby was not his. He made it clear that he didn’t want any more children, and she assured him she was on the pill. Once the pregnancy was known, he told her he didn’t want any more children, and reminded her of her earlier position “I don’t ever want to have children”. She toyed with the idea, mulled it over, and depending on the day and his willingness to play her game, she would be keeping the baby, or aborting. The baby’s life swung in the balance like a branch in the wind. She decided to keep the baby when my husband said that he had told me and that we would be working on our marriage. The baby was, in essence, a punishment for his not selecting her. She laughed about how we would be paying for her child support, and told me I’d better get a second job to help pay for her baby with my husband. Nice.

    My husband does not want a relationship with this child. Not because he is mean or heartless, but because of the circumstances under which she has come into this world, and the mother who raises her. He does not wish to have exposure to the vile human being who this woman has shown herself to be and protects his family from her effects. He pains deeply for this child, knowing that she will be raised by a narcissistic bitch who will exploit her and damage her self esteem when she doesn’t comply with mommy. His only recourse would be to seek custody of the child, but we all know that the courts side with the mother, and unless he can prove her unfit, he won’t stand a chance. I would raise this child with him, but part of me knows that part of me just wants to spite her – taking from her the only thing that gives her any power over us. It is his child, and I love him. I am sure the child would be better off in our home, with three half sibs and an income, than in her care, in an apartment, scrounging for money, mom doing night school to get a degree to pay for her. She wouldn’t want for anything in our home as we are established two income earners. But, that is another issue…and I digress.

    He doesn’t want a relationship with the child, he just wishes the best for her in her life. He regrets that the decision to have her wasn’t a mutual one, but one made irresponsibly on the reliance of his pocketbook being there to support a child neither of them ever wanted to have. It is the biggest sorrow he will ever feel next to having devastated our marriage and trust.

    • I know this is old but I’ve been reading your blog. Your husband CHOSE to have a child when he CHOSE not to put a condom on his pecker and instead stuck it into another woman. Did he even CONSIDER that he could be bringing home an STD to his wife???? What an irresponsible boob! If he was soooooo dead set against having any more children then he should have covered that shit up–or better yet NOT CHEATED ON HIS WIFE. Did he really think a whore who was extorting continued sex from him was going to be honest about birth control? And then to abandon the child–an INNOCENT human being–to death based on the whims of the whore he slept with. WOW. Just one selfish mothereffer. Seriously.

  12. dotcablogger says:

    Reading about the baby girl pains me. She deserves better parents. She deserves a mom who didn’t get pregnant with her from an affair and deserves a dad who’s wanting and able to be her dad. Right now I’m having more sympathy for the baby girl because she isn’t an adult, nor any of the adults, who have acted badly here. I know the adults hurt here. But the baby is the most defenseless.

    Your husband and that lady have greatly erred because that error hurts the baby girl the most. You can toughen up because you’re an adult. Women have gotten through rape and children conceived by rape, and a variety of other troubles and betrayal. But the baby, is just that: an innocent baby who knows no right, no wrong until people show their prejudices toward her.

    I feel for this baby now. She gets the shaft from all this. She’s just a baby, and then she’ll be ‘just a kid’. And how will she grow her self esteem? I can’t stand seeing a baby grow up into a depressed or misfit adult.

  13. dotcablogger says:

    I only wrote that previous comment as my expression of pained sympathy for the baby. Ah well.

    Anyway, circumstances are a mess for you two to work through. Maybe once the child support is finalized, you won’t be seething as much?

  14. I agree… it isn’t the child who should suffer. This child, no matter how she was/is brought into this world, deserves the same attention as any other… even if that means from her father. If he is a boasting and wonderful father, then she deserves that too. Have you considered actually trying to get custody of the child? This is 2011, dads get custody. If you can provide a better and more loving home for the child, then that’s where she should be. It isn’t fair to her to have 2 parents who don’t want her. I don’t know how your husband can sleep at night knowing there is a child of his who may not be cared for properly, or whom he doesn’t see. It sickens me, really. As a mother and a wife of a cheater, I know it must be very hard… but the child didn’t ask for this life.

    • I agree this child didn’t ask to be born and deserves better. I also believe that her mother does love her, although she never wanted kids. We could fight for custody but after $50k in legal bills protecting ourselves from her, I’m
      not sure we would can take on that battle. She’d have to be considered unfit and how to prove that? We’d lose and then she’d hold that over us too.

      • dotcablogger says:

        Natalie brings up a helpful point: it’s 2011, and dads get custody too. So work that angle? I mean, you have piles of email/text evidence and correspondence between lawyers to show the lady is a shitty birth mom. I wouldn’t think it hard to out her and get full custody.

        Really, if you two got full custody, then Ms. Shithead wouldn’t have guts or legal power to constantly harass you two for money, money and MONEY.

      • It certainly is tempting. Unless I knew we would win, I don’t know that I’d want to venture down that path. The way it is now, we don’t see the mistress at all, which personally I love. Having custody would mean arranging visitation which means I would now have to relate to her. Not good. The thing with this messed up woman is that she is all about the power play. If we tried for custody and failed, it would give her material with which to continue her abuse. “oh you want my baby, do you?….well looks like I win!”. This is, after all, the same woman who had a baby in order to play a game and who had no proble
        Lashing out at me, laughing at me because my husband strayed and making me believe her hurtful comments. This was all AFTER she realized I’d fought for my husband. Imagine when I fight for her child. Hell breaks loose.

  15. You will never know the outcome unless you seek it out. I know it’s easier said than done.. and far easier for me, a person on the outside to give advice. However, I believe in “nothing ventured, nothing gained” .. and to be honest.. who cares what childish things she says or does. You are the better person, taking the high road. You will ALWAYS be the winner!!

    Think of this child when she is your age.. is she going to be sad, depressed, lack self esteem, and wonder why her father didn’t want her, or why her father’s family didn’t want/allow him to fight/want her? No matter what the real truth may be, she is human and those things will go through her head. I personally wouldn’t want any person to feel as though they weren’t important enough to be wanted or cared for.

    My husband’s mistress of 5 years used to play stupid little games too.. emailing me, calling my home, turning up at places we were, even just happening to be at the same restaurant and bumping into us.. isn’t that amazing? So I do understand about the games, the harsh words, the evil looks, and the fight they want to cause. I simply Ignored her.. and believe me it was very hard… because inside I really wanted to rip her face off.. LOL But I knew that I was the better person, and my good judgment prevailed. Yours will too. Take the high road.. be the better person. You already are, in so many ways.

    I truly hope things work out for you!

    • Natalie, bless you for taking the time to reply, and for your kind and sensitive support. As someone who has walked in my shoes, you understand this pain very well, and the thoughts and doubts it raises within us. When someone attempts to steal your husband and compromise your family and then makes a sporting event of finding ways to hurt you further, whether it is emotionally or financially, the pain is very real. I take it very personally because I’ve done nothing to deserve this and now my family is forever changed. I can’t make her go away and I feel very powerless. You are right, I am the better person and it is a good reminder to hear it. I will do my best to reiterate that to myself when things feel hard. Thank you.

  16. Lost in France says:

    I have been reading a number of your blogs to get up to speed, so to speak.
    No good advice, but the issue of money, will be a real problem. Every time you do not have money youi’ll think of the mistress, this will be so corrosive on your soul. I really struggle to understand how you will cope with it

  17. Okay, I’m putting my foot down. Those espousing their well meaning platitudes, STOP. You can not understand this situation until you are in it. Easy to judge…..not so easy when you have to choose what is right with respect and consideration to everyone’s rights. Over on Surviving Betrayal …. we have a saying. The wife has to trust in GOD. SO Put the child in God’s hands. The choice of this child’s life was his mother’s. So let her deal with the fallout of her choices, because the Betrayed WIFE never had a choice and should not be made a scapegoat or put down for decisions ultimately made by the parents that are in the best interest of the child. The child should not be placed in a continuing hostile environment. And unfortunately these vindictive, gold-digging babymamas never let go of their anger over losing the man they were obsessed with coveting. Now they only care about the DRAMA and pain they can choose to inflict on the loyal WIFE ! They will never let the WIFE have a chance to healthily bond with their “meal-ticket”.
    LIFE ISN”T FAIR ! ….. There are unfortunately sad outcomes for choices of pure evil.
    These sexual predators are “borderlines”- …. (emotionally damaged women who are NOT NORMAL)….THEY will lie and accuse the wife of all sorts of horrendous allegations like child abuse to keep their power in check ….because they can get away with murder (CASEY ANTHONY) and the courts are corrupted and biased against fathers and “stepmothers-by choice”.. Anyway the Babymama’s agenda is to prove how much better a MOTHER and person she is than the evil, mean WIFEY….. GIVE HER what she wants. Let go of guilt for the outcome YOU CAN NOT CONTROL or influence. AGAIN THIS SITUATION IS NOT a NORMAL one, so don’t try to fit a square peg in a round hole !

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