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Piece by piece


I am drained.  I have been living this nightmare for 441 days. Just when I think I am returning into a state of ‘normal’, I am reminded that I will never again know what ‘nornal’ is.  My normal has shifted to a new state of ‘typical’ and it leaves me feeling depressed and hopeless.

I didn’t do anything.  I didn’t make any choices here.  I am not the one who almost threw away their marriage.  And yet, I am paying the ultimate price for the actions of two stupid, immature, selfish people, ONE of which should have known better.  MUCH better.  We’d talked about infidelity.  We were on the same page about how wrong it is.  He was raised by a serial cheater (father) and we’ve had countless conversations about how infantile his father’s continued abuse of his mother’s trust was.  Was he saying these things for MY benefit, but didn’t really embrace the same values that I did?  Did our vows mean NOTHING?

These are the things I ponder as I look back on the last 18 months.  Yes, that is right, next week will be 18 months.  It has been the slowest 18 months of my life.

Today I had the opportunity in therapy to share a small piece of my feelings about the child support his mistress is set to receive and how much it hurts me.  I don’t think he fully grasps the extent to which this KILLS me inside.  This woman cheated with my husband KNOWING that he is married.  She came to my home and chatted with me twice, once staying almost an hour.  She seemed genuinely likeable and friendly….and the whole time she stood and smiled at me, she knew she was harbouring a secret:  she was sleeping with my husband, and I was the only one in the dark.  What a fool she must have thought me to be.  How laughable.  Did she walk down my driveway with her fingers in the shape of an “L” on her forehead (denoting that I am a LOSER).  Did she laugh at my expense?  Was I the butt of jokes between her and her friends (they knew she was sleeping with a married man).  Was I considered pathetic?  This same woman, upon discovering that I knew of the affair didn’t cower, didn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable, and certainly didn’t apologize for having crossed a MAJOR line.  No, instead she laughed at me, mocked me, degraded me, caused me to question the security of my relationship by telling me that my husband thinks I am fat and used to laugh at me and about me (he claims that was a total fabrication), she sent mean-spirited emails, emailed my family, spilled this embarrassing secret to friends and family and has now made it her mission to drain us of every penny she can.  This is her sport, and she is going in as a warrior into battle.  Willing to do anything, say anything, be anything to get what she wants.  The problem?  She is facing the wrong opponent.  She needs someone equally prepared to go to war, and what she has is my husband. My husband is a nice guy, doesn’t want to rock the boat, maybe-if-I-give-it-enough-time-things-will-improve kinda guy.   His being a ‘nice-guy’ is what got him into this mess.   He goes along with things, and is easily manipulated.  He is being taken for a ride every day.  The only problem is, he doesn’t even realize he is in the car, and has himself fully believing that hs is in the drivers seat, in control.  He has no control here.  She does.  She pays no legal fees and can do whatever pleases her, at our expense because fighting her costs us money.  No, my husband doesn’t put on armor and charge full-throttle into the situation, pin her sorry ass up against the wall and demand that this behaviour, the harassment, the slander, the false allegations that cause us to seek legal support at $450 per hour EACH AND EVERY TIME stop.  Instead he blindly follows the recommendations of our family lawyers (we’ve had two now), who try and keep him calm, reassure him that they are doing what is expected while opening their palms to collect our money the NEXT time she acts out.  I firmly believe they want her to continue because it means more work and billing for them.

Yes she is facing the wrong adversary because you can bet her sorry little ass would be pinned to the wall so fast, she’d likely have seen it whip past her face on the way up.  Put me in the ring with this skank-assed piece of shit, and we’d see how fast her behaviour would stop.  I will NOT STAND for this in my life for another minute.  I’ve had enough.  I am tired.  I want out.  I need to be done.  I can’t handle another day.  I want it to stop.  Now.  It is not the way I want to live.  I did not invite this whore into our lives.  I didn’t bargain for a life where I would do the final bedtime check on my children at night, see them soundly sleeping in their beds, and silently tell them that I am sorry…sorry for not being able to be the mom I want to be, for not providing the family atmosphere I want to provide, the untainted family life I want them to know.   I don’t want to be that mom who has to escape to the closet for a good cry, or who snaps at them out of frustration because my very last nerve is spent dealing with this lunatic and I have nothing left for them.  They deserve better.  I deserve better.  I want to be better, but I don’t know how to get there.

All I know is that I can’t handle another 22 years of doling out a cheque to a woman who is grinning ear to ear at the windfall she’s collecting, earning more in child support monthly than she ever did at her job.  Smiling because she knows she is having an impact, and smiling because she feels she has won.  At the end of this child support term, we will have given her almost $1.000,000…..yes that is ONE MILLION DOLLARS.  That is money that MY children should have access to, that should be going to enrich OUR LIVES, NOT HERS.  I can’t live this reality for 22 more years…and then the possibility that this child may want a relationship with my husband beyond that.  This could be a lifetime burden that I carry.   I would rather have a disease because then I could pray that it would take me quickly and painlessly instead of like this – piece by piece.

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Comments

  1. My Dear, as cold as this is going to sound… You will never have your life back… at least not the life you thought you had. That life was a farce, a facade, a show played out for your naive brain to believe things could possibly be as white picket fence as we’d like them to be.

    That aside, you don’t really want THAT life back… that’s a life with a lying, cheating, selfish, husband. You were in the dark about his thoughts and wants and lack of self-control. What you want is a life where you don’t have to worry about what he’s up to, and you don’t have to worry about some bold and indignant woman being part of your world. The only way that will happen is if you leave him and start fresh with someone else (if you decide that’s what is best for you). Sure, he may have learned a lesson and may be forever faithful from this point on, but you cannot make a child go away.

    You need to take care of YOU, and your children. You need to do whatever it is that is going to make YOU feel okay. YOU are the most important person here. I know as mother’s we always put our children first, but if YOU aren’t okay, then you can’t take care of them the way they need to be cared for. Put YOU first.

    I’ve been in your shoes and had the same feelings. I think we all have. Although, my husband’s mistress didn’t become pregnant. She already had children (3 children) and she was able to convince my husband to buy those children things and take care of them as if they were his. At one point, I found an email where he had actually called her daughter HIS daughter. And yes, I’m sure they aren’t his children, he had a vasectomy 12 years ago. Oh, and this woman herself was married, but evidently saw my husband as the better meal ticket and had actually told her husband she wasn’t planning to stay with him. I guess she figured she would win my husband….. pretty funny!

    At any rate, what you are feeling is normal… you are not alone in this. I understand that knowing there are millions of women in your shoes doesn’t lessen the hurt or make you feel any better, but many of us are at different stages of pain or healing, and can honestly tell you that no matter what happens, as long as you believe in YOU, you are going to make it. You may have less monetarily, and may not have the same luxuries, but you will have your self worth and your dignity. Your children will know the struggle you’ve endured and they will be more prepared to handle problems of their own.

    So wallow for the moment in your sorrows, we’ve all had the personal pity party, it’s okay… but when the sun comes up again, look at this man you’re giving up your life for, and ask yourself… Is this REALLY want I deserve? Or better yet… Does he deserve YOU? If you can’t answer that right now, it’s okay. Many revelations come later on down the road.

    It may seem a bit cliche’, but it’s very true.. “What doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger” .

  2. Sounds like you may be ready for divorce? At least on the day you wrote that. I wouldn’t blame you one bit. I struggle, too, with being the mom my kids deserve after thinking/dealing with this crap all day. It hurts like hell, doesn’t it? Our husbands deserve to be divorced. Whether we do it or not . . . they still deserve it.

    • You know…I think I am entering the “anger” phase of the stages of grief. First was denial which lasted no time at all, then came sadness. Now I’m on anger.

      • Let it out. Do not hold one ounce of anger inside. Rage until you can rage no more. (just don’t hurt anyone) But, you cannot keep this kind of pain inside. Let it out.

        This is a great place to rage and let it out. We’ll be right here to listen and lend support if we can . . .

  3. I am so sorry to read what you have been put through because of this mistress. Let it out, don’t bottle it in. Stay strong for yourself and the children. That mistress is very unfair on you and I am only going to say this once and if she is reading that, well, it’s a reality check she is needing this instance from another fellow blogger. Firstly, she is not a role model to the child produced through an affair and secondly, what sort of behaviour is she showing to that kid: it is A-okay to ruin people’s lives just to get easy-money? That woman needs to get real, stop relying on the child support dollars (I don’t want to sound like I watched too many movies but I get the gut feeling that she might have used the child support money for herself rather than on the kid. Well I am just saying my opinion and I could be wrong) and stop sitting on her butt and get a blooming job than be a parasite on someone else.

  4. Perhaps you can look at all the money you’ve had to pay her in a different perspective. Maybe look at it as making a donation to “Children with Psycho Mothers” fund.

  5. RoseRoyce says:

    I still think that you should be angry with your husband 1) for having had an affair with another woman 2) for having been irresponsible because he should have used protection while having sex (against a pregnancy and against STDs). The mistress might have deliberately tried to become pregnant with his child but if he would have insisted on protection or on not having sex, that baby would not be there… All over your blog there you blame the mistress and it is of course easier to blame her instead of your husband as you have to live with him not with her. But ultimately everything that happens indicateds irresponsible behaviour from your husband’s side.

    • Rose thanks for your input. Readers need to understand one simple fact. My husband has never once gotten away Scott free for his actions. He has been held accountable to the highest degree. I have been angry with him. I went through that phase a long time ago. I’ve just come out the other side to a place of forgiveness after seeing his remorse and him taking the steps to be the man I needed him to be. He is that man and walks in those actions daily.

      What makes it different for me with the mistress (who I have also forgiven by the way) is that unlike my husband who has been taking steps to heal the situation, she has done quite the opposite. Instead of just walking away, she decided to try and mentally tear me apart and financially ruin me because she didn’t “win”. There is no remorse there. There is no acknowledgement of any wrong-doing at all. In fact, she continues to extort money from my family and stalk us. I’ve had to remove my social media presence on account of this. So, while I have forgiven her, I don’t think anyone could consider me unreasonable to have been upset.

      Let me make it very clear: my husband has lived the brunt of my anger and faced it head on every day. He’s walked through the fire with me and held my hand through this. He has atoned for his crimes. She has not an never will. THAT is why you see a difference in the ways I have viewed my healing relative to them both and why he was forgiven first.

      He did the work, she didn’t. He was forgiven first, she wasn’t. He was deserving of forgiveness after all he did to correct it, she wasn’t. Nonetheless I forgave her anyway.

  6. I think your husbands final act of selfishness is refusing to act as a father to this child & the disgusting way you see that as a small victory. I pray for the real victim in all of this the one you seem to hope disappear…the child

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