What is the law for, if not to protect the innocent?

I am in shock.  Utter disbelief.  My heart is heavy, and my faith in the legal system completely shaken.

Before embarking on this post, if you are a new reader, and don’t know the story, here is a recap from an earlier post to get you up to speed.  My husband slept with a psychopathic lunatic whose crazy has impacted our lives over the last 2 years, cost us tens of thousands of dollars to legally protect, and had his baby in order to collect child support/welfare.

I have always been, for one reason or another, a big proponent of justice.  It bothers me immensely to watch injustice happen.  As a child, I would reel over my brother getting away with things, a smirk on his face, my parents blissfully unaware that they had just been taken, the wool pulled tightly over their eyes.  I’d stand there, mouth agape, unable to believe that what I had seen transpire had just transpired.  “How could they be so blind?”. “How could he be so comfortable commiting such acts against innocent people, and have the nerve to be proud of himself, smile about it, and go on?”  I never understood.  I was, and always have been a very law-abiding person, so to see injustice happen yesterday made my blood boil.

Yesterday was a day we’ve waited for for quite some time.  It was the day we were to have my husband’s custody and child support agreement imposed by a judge.  The child support terms had been drafted months ago by our lawyer, but the mistress had disagreed to practically every practical clause, and then requested that others be added which aren’t allowable by law.  For example, she expected my husband to pay an additional $2K per month for childcare, claiming to need a nanny to allow her to go to work/school, and claimed to have racked up over $24K in childcare costs over the last year.  Interestingly enough, she refused to give the identifying details of the childcare provider so that we could investigate the accuracy and truthfulness of her claims.  We are not about to pay $24,000.00 to her while she is receiving free babysitting from her family members.  Apparently, there was no childcare provider last year….she was unable to substantiate it with records, having only handwritten receipts made to two separate individuals whose social insurance numbers she was unwilling to provide.  With all of the ridiculous demands she was making, and her inability to comply with even the most basic and regular of clauses, we had no choice but to take it in front of a judge, and have him/her decide it for us, imposing the terms of the agreement through the law.

We went to court yesterday, which was not at all as I expected it to be.  I’d expected a courtroom, a robed judge, and the opportunity to see the little swindler another time.  Instead, the two lawyers met in the judge’s chambers privately, exiting only to communicate terms with us, asking questions, and then returning for more deliberations.  The mistress sat around the corner, unseen by us, each of us asked to remain out of the sight of the other.  The first thing to come about was a comment by the judge that there are simultaneous lawsuits in progress between us at the same time. There is the issue of child support and custody for which we’d come, but there is also the suit she’d filed for wrongful dismissal, claiming to have been dismissed for having been pregnant, and then a suit she’d filed with the Human Rights Tribunal, claming to have been discriminated against in her job due to pregnancy.  The Human Rights Tribunal was unwilling to hear her case while the wrongful dismissal case was in progress, since both cases deal with the same issue, and it would be a duplication of services.  They’d suggested that once the wrongful dismissal suit was finished, she would then be free to commence the Human Rights issue.   If you haven’t been following the blog, I will tell you that she was NOT dismissed for being pregnant, she was dismissed because in the days following the discovery of the affair, once she’d realized that my husband would not leave his family for her, she started threatening my husband (her employer at the time) with disclosing the affair to his colleagues, and said that this would “cost him his career”. No longer feeling they could have a professional relationship, he terminated her employment.  She launched a lawsuit claiming she was fired for being pregnant, even though she’d worked 8 weeks with him knowing she was pregnant….the pregnancy was never the issue, her behaviour was.

According to the judge, you can’t lawfully settle on one aspect, and then continue to sue someone for other things.  She suggested that all suits be settled immediately.  The mistress agreed to drop her $100,000.00 wrongful dismissal suit, and the upcoming Human Rights complaint for $10K each.  In addition, because my husband’s income went up last year, her proportion of child support also rises, and so we owed her $7K in arrears of payment as we’d been paying her based on 2009 values.  So, as of today, in order to make her go away, we have to pay over $20K.  They ended up reworking the numbers, so that the $10K for each suit was reduced, and then her lawyer asked for her legal fees to be covered by us.  That last part enflames me because her lawyer WORKED FOR FREE.  Her lawyer is a friend of her father’s, a lawyer who had assisted her father in committing fraud many years ago.  We have no doubt that the $13K he is claiming to have charged her in legal fees was never charged to her, or paid.  We are hopeful that he will keep this money, as he has earned it with all of the work he has done, and all of the employees in his firm. But, we aren’t stupid either, and we are quite certain he will give a portion of it to her, asking for it only as a means of providing her a cloaked payment in addition to what she is already receiving.  Our lawyer reassured us that this was actually a very good settlement, as continuing to fight her in court for the other suits was going to cost us in excess of the $20K in settlement costs we are offering.  They signed the papers yesterday, and it is all done.  Or is it?  Part of the agreement included a mutual non-harassment order.  Neither she nor my husband shall annoy or harass the other.  Although my husband and I have NEVER done anything to harass this pathetic little slut, we agreed to the mutual order in order to get her restrained from us.  So hopefully her little antics will now cease, and we can go about our lives in peace, with this sad, pathetic little person being only a monthly cheque and nothing more. We can now begin the healing as we go about our days without emails from lawyers flooding our inbox, detailing the crazy requests, false claims and utter lies of this ridiculous excuse of a person.  We can now resume our regular lives…as they were, sort of anyway.

So why does this bother me?  Well, no one likes shelling out money to someone who doesn’t deserve a red cent of it.  But, given the legal proceeding we just went through with the employment lawyers, and the fact that it was evident that she would lose her case if it ever went to trial, it pains me that we have to pay her in order for her to drop the suit, but only in order to avoid further costs.  Our settlement does not an admission of guilt on our part, as we did nothing wrong, she wasn’t wrongfully dismissed, nor discriminated against because she was pregnant.  But, since her lawyer was costing her nothing, she was free to drag on the legal processses for as long as she wished, something which would have cost us more in the end.  So, essentially, it was “shut up and go away” money.  Money paid to salvage our lives back.  While it hurts the wallet to lose the money, and hurts the heart to know it is going to someone as undeserving as she, I am trying to look at it as a charity payment made to a mentally ill woman who is raising a child by herself…it isn’t helping much, but seeing her as a charity case takes the sting out.

The humour of the day was when she had a freaking screaming hissy fit and embarrassed herself entirely on the courthouse floor.  The sad part is that she probably doesn’t even realize how embarrassing her little act was. It was apparently quite comical, made my husband chuckle quietly in his hallway, and reaffirmed for our counsel that “this woman is a fucking nutcase!”.  I certainly wish I’d been there to see/hear that.  Apparently she was mad because the mutual restraining order didn’t work entirely in her favour, so she decided to scream out ridiculous comments like “he’s a monster!” (referring to my husband whose only “crime” against her has been to not lay eyes on the child she unilaterally decided to have in order to milk us of money), and “He doesn’t pay me ANYTHING!”, negating the fact that she gets over $2K in child support every month), and “he’s never paid for a single thing for his daughter!” (ummmm yeah, see the previous one).  She then started screaming that her daughter was “fatherless”, and would have to be put into therapy due to the neglect, meanwhile I think we can all agree with her, this child WILL need therapy.  She will need therapy because her mother suffers with Borderline Personality Disorder and invited herself into a marriage, slept with a married man, covertly had a relationship and then arranged to have herself knocked up because she saw dollar signs – LOSER.   Just imagining what that must have looked like/sounded like brings the biggest smile to my face.  I mean, I know she is a loser, but that is just utterly funny.  I personally like to tease my husband that he fucked trailer trash.  He agrees, and can’t believe he ever succumbed to such garbage.

I will be updating the blog further with more thoughts on infidelity in general, an unsent letter from me to the mistress, and a general invitation for those who have been hurt by infidelity to share their stories as well.



  1. OMG!! This is ridiculous. Don’t have time to post much now. Not sure what state you are in, but can you countersue her for alienation of affection, criminal conversation, intentional infliction of emotional distress and/or negligent intention of emotional distress???

    I did this and my atty is drawing up the settlement papers as we speak. OW wouldn’t have stood a chance in court so she decided it was easier to pay me.

    • There are very few areas in the world where the “alienation of affection” claim can be made.

      Sadly, I am not in one of them 😦 Besides, she isn’t worth my time anymore. We just want her gone. She’s cast a shadow over our family for long enough. The whore chose to place herself in the
      Middle of an established family, and she isn’t happy with the result? Cry me a fucking river douchebag. She’s entitled to nothing, and I look forward to karma taking care of her ever-expanding ass.

      • Where’s the LIKE button? I can’t tell you how much I enjoy this blog. Sadly, OW in my sitch used the child (OC) as a pawn to secure my POS ex. It’s a LONG story and I fought hard for two and half years, but she ultimately “won” b/c she had him a kid and I could not. They now live together (maybe married?) with their spawn and her two children from her marriage. I initially filed the AA suit to discourage her from continued disruption in my marriage, but ultimately, that strategy didn’t work. But, when she/POS realized how much dirt I had on them, they decided to pay up. And I was ready to be done with them and not waste another breath/dime, so I am satisfied. I hate them both and don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive. I truly had a perfect life before she weaseled her way into my world.

      • What are you talking about, there is no like button? Well there is a share on facebook or twitter button, no? I ought to get a like button I guess 😉

        You know, Justice, if your husband was so keen to leave to be with the OW, then I would have to say, and I do so with great apprehension so as to not cause you more hurt, that your life wasn’t perfect. Sometimes I think we need to admit that we played a role, albeit a small one, in what happens. Marriage is hard, and communication is hard. In my case, I didn’t communicate well, and I don’t like confrontation, so I would let little things grow into bigger things. Eventually those resentments grow, and that paired with raising three young children, the last of whom was only 1 when my husband strayed, I have to say that no marriage is immune….until it is MADE to be immune. If he strayed, the relationship wasn’t perfect. There was something, perhaps little, perhaps not, that caused a breakdown in the marital bond. For my husband and I, we were both raised to not rely on anyone. We were raised to buck up and handle things alone. For me, I was raised by a narcissistic mother, and had no real emotional bond with her, and could not confide in her about anything. For my husband, his mother is mentally ill, and for the same reasons, she was unable to provide the emotional support he needed when faced with adversity. Not knowing how to completely surrender to another person, and to be completely vulnerable, made us live emotionally separate lives. We loved each other, we trusted each other, but we didn’t RELY on the other completely, or let the other person completely in. We now know that this is the key to greater intimacy. We weren’t broken before, but what we thought was perfect was perfect for two souls who didn’t know how to be one….we were two.

        I mention all of this to say that I don’t want you to sugar coat what you had, because it makes it hard then to look back at it, thinking it was perfect, and then reminiscing for something that was not as you are painting it for yourself. See it as flawed, accept that it had holes, and that you were both human and mistakes were made. His obviously much larger than yours, and you need not forgive either of them. Do forgive yourself though. You’ve been the bigger person 🙂

      • I totally get what you are saying. I am CERTAIN of the mistakes I made in the marriage. However, I WAS totally and completely happy; not sugarcoating at all; I was! And of COURSE, he says NOW, after the A and OC, that he wasn’t happy for YEARS, blah, blah, blah. Typical wayward lingo. I was NEVER the wiser. I was blindsided by this sitch. HAD NO IDEA until he revealed he had “messed up” and was going to be a father.

        It’s a BIG LONG story. I definitely take ownership for my failures, and wanted the opportunity to fix those; I wanted my marriage. However, it was more important to him that he be a father, than to restore the damage he caused to me. (Or give me the opportunity to “fix” the issues I had.) The child came first, period. 14 years of marriage (16 years together) went out the window faster than he could unzip his pants.

      • Justice, I could have written what you just did. I was happy too. I was blissful. I also see now, after a lot of therapy, that I wasn’t as happy as I could have been, just as happy as was possible while wearing blinders and not being able to see the potential of what could be better.

      • Ahhhhh yes. I now wonder if my definition of “bliss” is somewhat relative. Dear friends tell me that when I find someone that TRULY loves me, that I soon realize that the “bliss” I had was not that at all. So we’ll see. It’s all part of the great adventure. 🙂

      • Justice, it is like people who think that having kids is easy….until they have one, and then they realize that their entire definition of something changes. 😉

    • Justice, you must be in one of the few states that allows such legal response. We can’t sue for that here, but I am sure that if we could, fewer women who dare try and steal another woman’s husband.

  2. But I do have to say that I loved the story of the betrayed wife who successfully sued her husband’s mistress for $9 Million.

  3. ahh I have thought of a law suit against the OW. at this point it would only serve to push my husband away. he still isn’t over her. If he and I are unable to reconcile completely then I will definatley explore that option. she has, in my opinion, gotten off scott free for the pain she has willingly caused me, and still causes me for that matter. She should count herself blessed that I am not a vendictive woman. Or her 13 year old daughter would know exactlly what kind of woman her mother is. Two years ago I give her the bennifit of the doubt and counted her a someone who got caught up in emotion, but she continued the affair even when she knew that I was aware of the relationship. How could one woman do that to another one. I hate her. and I am still extreemly pissed at my husband. Who is equally to blame. As I gain strength and perspective my tollerence for his selfishness will lessen, He may come home one weekend to find me gone. In the mean time, I bide my time, tell him how I feel when I need to, and pray he will see the light as he embarks on his own individual psycho-thearpy.
    I thank you for sharing. although our situations are different, you give me hope.

    • Aloneagain3, I am not sure how you do it 😦 To be betrayed is one thing…but to live with a man who is still pining for someone else? That is heartbreaking. I am very sorry. It hurts me to think that your husband would prevent you from seeking your own justice. I would prefer to hear that he supports what you need to do to protect your marriage and your feelings, and that he would be on board with it. Obviously, he is equally guilty. In my case, it isn’t the infidelity I am angry with the mistress over. It is her behaviour since the affair was discovered, the lowlife ways in which she kicked me while I Was down, disrespected me on so many levels, harassed our family, attempted to cripple my husband’s career, attempts to embarrass us both. In the end, the only real loser here is her. To know that your husband continued the affair after you were aware….that is horrid. Did he tell you iniitally and confess, or did you find out on your own? Either way, your pain must be intense. I feel it. I’ve felt it, and I am sorry. I wish I could take it away for you.

  4. Lost in France says:

    Before I embarked on my first divorce, my Lawyer advised me not to expect the law to be either just of fair, as it is neither.

    It is terrible to have to pay out such large sums of money, when you have not done anything wrong, just to try to end the farce. In fact it being cheaper and quicker to pay up than fight.

    • Lost in France, it is very true. The law is not fair, and the way that it is structured doesn’t always favour the innocent. In this case, the innocent are me and this child. The law is there to protect this child financially and otherwise, but who protects a betrayed spouse? It seems there is no legal recourse for a betrayed woman to seek justice for another’s actions unless you live in a State that has “alienation of affection laws”, and you can bet that I’d certainly do just that if I had the option. In the end, it is cheaper to pay her to fuck off.

  5. Karma. I believe, with all my heart, all the OW out there will get just what they deserve. Yours is getting hers now. She might have your money — so what? You’ll make more. She wanted your husband. She didn’t get him.

    • You are absolutely right. Karma will have a field day with this piece of work. She really is a nutcase, and isn’t even wrapped in a convincing or alluring package. Packaging should read “nothing but NUTS”.

      I appreciate your comments Pippi, and yes, Karma will come back on all of those women who have purposely tried to forge their way into another woman’s relationship. She has a loveless life. No one to love her the way people ought to be loved. It is something she will likely never know, and while she may have relationships in the future, they will be as empty as the ones that predated all of this. That is the best revenge….knowing that she will forever be…alone.

  6. You know you are in for almost two more decades of this drama with the mistress wanting more and more support every year until the kid is done with college? Maybe it’s time to move on yourself. You can’t sing the blues forever.

    You say you want to stick with your husband but maybe you could get a paper divorce and stay with him. This way, you get child support from him. That means less for the mistress. Then if you change your mind about him you can leave him and you’ll already be divorced.

    • JohnZ, yes we are in for 22 years. My husband will be 63 when this debacle is over.

      She will want more and more support yes, but that certainly doesn’t mean that she will get it. Move on myself as in stop blogging, or move on as in divorce my husband? I don’t want to divorce my husband, but together we HAVE moved on, and this week was a first step in that direction. With a restraining order against her, I can safely assume she won’t attempt to contact us, and won’t be hovering around my home, or my husband’s place of work. I can also assume she will no longer try contacting third parties to cause us embarassment. So, in that way, with a cheque written to shoo her from our porch, we are now free to snuggle on the porch swing once more 😉

      • Never assume this emotionally damaged, narcissistic babymama won’t try to contact your H behind your back…. She’ll try sending “phishing email”, baiting him, phone calls to work, leaving messages threatening him or the child, suicide threats, etc (HOOR-DRAMA, histrionic tactics) to manipulate him into having any minimal emotional relations-shit with her…precisely because she is the mother of his child type of thinking… (who thinks she is justified in not obeying court orders, or the law …because somehow she is special and so above those silly “inappropriate” type of restraining order or stalking laws.)
        You can never trust a psycho to behave… like you think normal people would. This borderline damaged personality is anything but normal. They are RELENTLESS and never stop … because the OC gives them hope. That someday they will be a family.. in her mind she is halfway there. Mommy + Daddy + OC = FAMILY.

      • You are very right. These women are delusional and emotionally damaged – no doubt in my mind. They have low self esteem, consider themselves second best, and put themselves into scenarios in which they are just that – second. They crave being first, fantasize that the husband will leave his wife and make her the prize, but that rarely ever happens. When it does, the chances of that relationship working out is only 10%. A relationship borne of infidelity will never last.

        Sperm Donor’s wife, I have every assurance that she will do just that, and frankly we are prepared for that. She can try to contact my husband by phone, by email, or in person, and she will be in direct violation of a court order that she not contact him in any way, nor through a third party. So she can go ahead and try, and she’ll be slammed to the mat for it. She isn’t allowed to contact me either, either directly or through a third party. She has already tried contacting my husband through email with cries of histrionic manipulations “our daughter is in the ER, she swallowed plastic and is bleeding from the mouth!”, and he deleted the message before he finished reading it. She emailed him prior to that claiming to have been in early labour, telling him of her location, right before claiming to be terrified of what he might do to her if he knew where she was, so she was putting herself on some hospital security precautions to ensure he could have no access. Cause yeah, that’s what abused women with attackers do….they email the attacker, disclose their location, and then call him a monster and plead for him to leave her alone….and then give the baby the attacker’s last name. Her moronic behaviour is exceptionally infantile, transparent and ludicrous.

        My husband has had it with her. The hatred and contempt that he feels for her would never allow for any contact of any kind. He feels badly that this woman’s crazed behaviour will result in the child never seeing or knowing her father, but it is the way it has to be, in his opinion. We just personally feel that the child is in grave danger, being raised by someone who is obviously mentally ill. Her claims are wildly inaccurate, and if she truly believes what she claims, she really just needs to start the Haldol already.

        My H refuses to play into her silly games and tactics and sees through her childishness. It doesn’t reach him, bother him or impact him in any way. He thinks she is utterly ridiculous, and feels ashamed to have ever been involved with such low life trailer trash. He has no intentions of being anything more to her than a cheque in the mail. There will be no relationship, there will be no family, there will be no contact, other than through legal counsel. He is down-to-the-core embarrassed and shamed to have ever been involved with her, stating in retrospect that he was obviously in a very bad place to have ever seen someone like that as someone he wished to spend time with, let alone have a relationship with. He feels sick, whenever his lawyer reminds him of the physical relationship they shared, because he violated his marriage, and because he allowed someone that low, repulsive and infantile to assist him in potentially destroying the one thing he most values – his family. He feels as though he was drugged…coerced, forced into a relationship with her, since she would threaten legal action and disclosure to me if he didn’t stay in the relationship. Funny thing is that now she claims it was the reverse, she was begging to get out, and he was forcing her to stay in the relationship. All of the evidence points the other way, and her ridiculous attempts to retroactively explain emails and add sub-context that were never there is so obvious. SHe is just a pathetic little girl who was never loved in the way that she needed to be in order to develop the emotional coping strategies and self esteem that normal, functional adults have. She is a broken soul. He wants nothing to do with her, so she can try and connect all she wants, all she will get is a lawsuit and a bug FUCK OFF ALREADY.

  7. The other sad legal reality here is… even if you change your mind and want out of your M …. any future court orders for support for you or for your COM (children of the marriage) will first have the SUPERIOR, PRIOR obligation for the OC ahead of it. Which means the hoor’s lifestyle needs as the mother of the child outside of the marriage will come first. (EVIL LAUGH) Your needs will come at the end of the legal pecking order. Which is why anyone who finds themselves in this horrid situation needs to immediately file for a temporary separation and get superior spousal and child support orders from a court. ( filing for separation doesn’t mend your marriage has to be destroyed) This preventative strategy to protect marital interests places your needs above any babymama’s needs. Don’t let them beat you legally to the courthouse. A sperm donor’s wife needs to be smart.

  8. Why the hell do you have to pay for HER lawyer fess?
    Even I lost faith in all legal systems when I witnessed this blunder law. You are right, RMM it does not protect the betrayed spouse nor it helps the baby because all the money goes in OW parlour and shopping bills. I wouldn’t have minded giving money if there was some way to be sure that it is being spent for the child.. and like the above comment said, that even if you take a divorce, your CS is less than the OC. However, many states have changed this. They have started considering the time factor this means the older children will get the higher support. I hope they establish this in every state.
    That is why, RMM I request you to really write a book so that people start noticing the reality of such a situation rather than make silly comments.
    You know, word karma is a sanskrit word. It means deed. This concept has been derived from the place I live. It has been there in my country from thousands of years and has now gained light as people see it into action.
    Earlier I used to think that how come all the bad and evil people in this world can live life and good ones suffer? but then I resorted to the scriptures of my relegion which speaks of a time when our ancients had unlimited power. and then I got my answer— at that time, anyone who committed a sin, were punished by converting them into a demon for a certain period of time. so the point is— the punishment for a bad person is his evilness itself. the fact he is bad is the real punishment( I hope you understand what I said, sorry, it is not easy to explain)
    The OW is hell jealous of you and your life. she deep down knows that she is wrong and no matter how much money she takes, she cannot get your family. this is what killing her and driving her crazy. everytime she sends a letter, it is not because she wants to hurt you because she is broken inside and is trying to falsely feed her ego by doing such things.
    and this is the reason why all OW say they don’t owe you anything because they know they DO. but if they will admit it, their already low self esteem and wounded ego will drop further. they will have to accept the fact they destroyed lives so instead they try to shift the blame while they all know they are guilty.
    But I know RMM, that you are a great woman and that you will touch skies and get all the world’s blessings and happiness while the OW will continue to suffer like this, living a lie, pretending to herself that she is winning. Like all mistress do, they behave as if they have the whole man but they know deep inside that they are nothing more than doormats so they try to make their life look beautiful and wonderful, to stop their conscience from accepting the hard truth that they mean nothing in the man’s life and are just being used

    • Daphne thank you for your kind words.

      We don’t pay her bills. What happened is that she was receiving free legal help. Her dad had an arrangement with a slimy lawyer who gave her free legal to settle a debt he’d had with her dad. Unlimited legal help on this issue at no cost to her. She could send as many emails, letters, ask questions of our lawyer etc and each time we would ha r to pay on our side. So, her lawyer sends off a letter she has written. She doesn’t pay him to prepare and send the information. Our lawyer receives and has to send a reply. We pay hourly fees for our side to respond. So she has no reason to be careful or to limit her correspondences as she isn’t paying for it, but each time she does, we pay on our side.

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