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A glimpse of what used to be


Have you ever woken up from a nightmare, terrified and convinced that it was real?  I think we all have.  You wake up, chest heaving with heavy breath, gasping while your heart races wildly to keep up.  You’re sweating, and you can still clearly see the horror that was causing you to be terrified.  It seems so real, so believable, so threatening.  And then you realize that you are awake in your room, and not where you just were, the threat no longer there.  It was a dream, and suddenly you are lighter, the enormous weight lifted from your shoulders when you realize that you are safe.  I would like to bottle up that sensation that comes over you when you immediately make the realization that it wasn’t real – the relief, the weightlessness, the bliss.

Have you ever had it happen in reverse?  I did yesterday.

I decided to take the dog for a long walk yesterday.  It was a 1 hour walk which probably took us 2-3 miles. Despite it being a sunny day, there was no one else around, no dogs, no people – no one.  It was surprising because the place is usually crazy busy with dogs running off-leash, and owners stopping to share stories of their beloved companions.  Yesterday, it was quiet, and there was solitude.

As we walked along, I don’t know what it was, or what prompted it, but for a split second the affair didn’t happen, my family was my own, my life was beautiful, and I was fortunate.   I was weightless, I was beaming, the sun was shining, and I was light.  It was lovely.  And then true reality set in, and the contrast was horrible, like a seething black fog that came floating back in and encapsulated me.  I was heavy, sad, tormented.  And, because of the beauty I’d just seen, the contrast immense, I was suddenly sadder than I had been in a long time.  It overcame me suddenly, and without warning, and I found myself crying uncontrollably, my eyes masked behind large sunglasses, thankful that we were alone.

I prefer to wake up OUT of a nightmare than to wake up INTO one.

I suspect I am having all of these feelings because the D day of the affair is approaching its two year anniversary, and the one year anniversary of this blog.  It is the only thing that can explain the immense sadness that I am feeling which came out of nowhere, after having given me a split second glimpse of what used to be.  I’d forgotten what my previous life felt like.  It was warm and familiar, and I miss it horribly.

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Comments

  1. lamehousewife says:

    Tears are very healing…blessings to you, sister. I can identify…

  2. Jennifer says:

    Tonight I began reading your blog from the beginning but have skipped ahead to this entry. It’s awful to think you’re still so sad after 2 years. It has only been 3 or 4 weeks for me and I can’t bear the thought of feeling this crap for another couple of years.
    I hope you can soon find peace and have that weight lifted from your shoulders as you continue to heal.

    • Jennifer,

      Don’t let my progress dampen your spirit. Keep in mind, that my husband fathered a child with his mistress, that we have over $4000 per month in child support payments to pay, and a delusional psychopathic mistress refuses to leave us alone. You will read more about her, and it takes that she polls. Suffice it to say that it’s almost impossible to not have this in my face most of the time, so healing is a much slower journey for me. If this had just been in the fair that he had walked away from, and there was no more contact, and this would be much much easier. But for me, this woman will be in my life for the rest of my life. That is a reality that does make me very sad.

  3. I just stumbled across your blog and I too am in the same situation as you, and we are now almost 4 years in. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Although there is another child involved, the contact with the other woman is minimal.
    I would love to share more with you. If you want you can contact me through my blog at http://www.chattychicky.com.
    Take care, and look forward to reading more posts.
    Wendy

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