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The view from here


I have to admit it.  I haven’t been feeling well lately.  It’s funny, because I don’t expect things to be linear and to always move forward with never a setback, but I also didn’t expect to still feel so sad and helpless two years later.

 

The anniversary of D day, or “disclosure day” goes in the infidelity circles, passed last week.  This year, unlike last year, I tried not to make a big deal out of it, and didn’t even mention it.  Last year, I celebrated by starting this blog. OK, so ‘celebrated’ isn’t really the appropriate word, but it is what I did to help vent the feelings that arose when the anniversary date came up.

This year I sat by a pool in the sun in the Bahamas, surrounded by my husband and my three oblivious children, thinking about how the last time I saw palm trees, it was the last day of my vacation in Malibu – 2 days before he disclosed the affair.  I thought about how we hadn’t been on true ‘vacation’ in a warm tropical place since that time.  I thought about her, them, and us.  As much as I’d hoped last year that this year I would be able to get through the time without giving it any thought, it didn’t happen.  It’s too soon.

Lately, now that the whore has left us alone from the legal battling being over (she got her $28K settlement for a false lawsuit she created that we had to settle in order to get the custody/support crap ironed out), things have been kind of quiet.  When things get too quiet, I start to get edgy.  What is she going to pull next?  How am I going to find myself surprised this time?  Will it be another false report to the police about me?   Will it be my tires slashed again?  (that was last month, I didn’t blog about it, but we have our suspicions), Will she up the ante and do something I can’t even imagine right now?   It is a function of the PTSD I struggle with, always on alert, never able to completely relax and rest and just BE. I am like the car accident victim who won’t get in the car, the earthquake victim who fears a sudden shaking….it ISN’T a way to live, and it isn’t the way I want to live, but it is my reality, for now.

So if things have settled from the legal side…why do I feel so crappy?

I think I just feel a massive sense of unfairness and betrayal.  In all this, I am the only one of the three of us who has lost.  She gained a child who is paid for financially for life when she would otherwise not have had children.  She gained 28K in settlement money by creating false claims and then having them settled out of court.  She makes more in child support than she ever did in her profession, meaning she could simply no longer work and be fine, all on our dollar.  She didn’t even have to pay her lawyer for 2 years of representation.  My husband won in that he was able to have his cake, eat it too, and maintain his wife and family.  Sure, he has to pay for it financially, but given the other cost of losing everything in his family, I think he prefers to pay out monetarily.  Me, what did I gain?  Before anyone says “you got your husband back….he didn’t leave you”, I am not sure that is much of a win when what I have always wanted was a husband who cares for me 100%, who I can rely on 100%, who is trustworthy, honest, caring and compassionate, who I can give myself over to completely.  Yes, I have my husband, but I have a man who cheated on me. I have a man who is eternally sorry, and whose presence is a reminder daily of his infidelity.  I have a man who pays a monthly support check to someone else to support a child he had with her while not thinking about me.  What exactly is the win there?   I am the one who has lost, and I didn’t even get the little benefit of the fling, just a bunch of lying and betrayal.

If I sound sour again, it is because I am.  I oscillate between being OK and not being OK.  I think that is part and parcel of what happens when women choose to stay and work on the marriage.  Instead of just saying goodbye and putting it behind you, you force yourself to stare it in the face every day, to see the demons face to face from waking to sleeping.  Something as simple as watching him put on his shoes….I am reminded.  When does it stop?  How?

I was walking with a neighbour today, and while we were out, the topic of infidelity came up as we both discussed how we’d watched “The Descendants” on our respective March Break trips.  We talked about how in the movie, although his friends knew his wife was cheating, no one told him.  We had a heart to heart about what we would want if one of us knew that the others husband was being unfaithful.  I told her that I would want to know.  She told me that it would be none of my business to tell her and that it would cause a rift between us.  I was frankly very surprised about her reaction, assuming that all women would want to know, and wouldn’t shoot the messenger when the messenger;s intent was simply to make you aware of an injustice being done to you.  As we talked, she talked about her friends, and how infidelity has touched some of them, and then told me that if that ever happened to her, he would be kicked out immediately.  It wasn’t even a question.  Now, if I have learned ANYTHING this year, it is that what people THINK they would do, and what they ACTUALLY do when put into the situation can be very different.  Most women who stay, never thought they would.  Some who thought they would, realize that they just can’t.  It is interesting indeed.

The interesting part of this walk was the fact that she is unaware of our situation.  We moved in next door, 5 months after D day.  They’ve only ever known us as we are now, not before, and we’ve not said a thing.  She reflected on how she would feel, and basically said something to the effect of “I wouldn’t bother staying, life is too short to be living in a state of constant reminders about the affair, the lies, the betrayal, and I am worth more than that.  He would have to leave and get an apartment, immediately.  Stay for the kids, absolutely not.  The kids are better off with parents happily separated than parents who are together but miserable, and what will they learn from it?  They will learn that cheating is OK, that they will be taken back, and that affairs don’t hurt marriages.  I’d be doing them a FAVOR for leaving him, not by staying.  She made my heart heavy, and bless her, she had no idea.

It does give me great pause.  Will I feel this way forever?  Will I ever have my life back?

Sitting in buy family room is an album of professional images captured days before the affair was divulged.  We were vacationing in Malibu and I asked a photographer to capture our family.  From the images, a stunning album was created with one of our images gracing the cover.   The other day as I turned off the TV, I saw it resting there.  I looked at it, drew it closer, and started to cry.  In that image is the last time that woman (me) was truly happy.   I looked at myself and wanted so badly to jump into that picture and to feel the blissful ignorance of not knowing.  To feel my family complete and happy, and sure it was a lie, but it was comfortable, and safe, and secure.  It was all I had wanted.  I cried at the thought that the woman there doesn’t exist anymore, and in her place stands a woman who lives under a dark cloud, constantly in fear of it happening again, or of the whore bitch creating yet another scheme to hurt us.

I hurt at the fact that this woman, knowing that my husband was married, chose to get involved, knowing that if the same were happening to her, she would be crushed, and yet she continued.  I hurt at the fact that she hates me for no reason, and has created in her mind a false idea of me, and that her hatred for me drives her to constantly attempt to bring more hurt to me.  How much hurt can one person dish to another and feel justified in doing so?   I don’t understand.  I have never felt such hatred for another person.

In the last couple of months, I have literally been consumed with hatred for her, and a desire to want to punish her, to seek revenge.  It is seriously taking over every waking moment of my day.  I can’t work as effectively as I should be, I can’t concentrate.  I want her to suffer. I want to see her feel the pain that I have and am feeling.  I envision her waking up every morning to her little girl, taking her off to daycare which WE pay 92% of so that she can go off to school and get a degree she doesn’t even need.  She leaves her kid in daycare and we have to pay for it. She gets a sitter, and we have to pay for it.  She gets $4K a month and according to her bank statements provided to calculate the shared proportion of expenses, she shops at second hand stores for her child.  This child is getting $4K per month….why does she not get new clothes and toys?  Because mommy apparently is also going to the hair salon, and buying herself clothes.  She is using our money for herself, I am sure of it, taking advantage of how the law favors her in these situations.  Completely unfair.  1 year olds don’t cost $4k per month, and yet when she chose to immunize her child last month, she had the audacity to ask us to cover the $100 charge….cause there is nothing left of her little monthly gift to cover this?  Makes me sick.   She is getting such a free fucking ride.

I don’t know where this post is going…it is more of a stream of consciousness than anything well planned out.  It is just a glimpse of the view from here.  It was 2 years on March 18th…and I am still wallowing in shit.

 

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Comments

  1. I can relate 100% to everything above. I too thought for the longest time that I was the loser in the situation, and my husband was the only winner. I think it takes time to get over that, or at least start to feel like your getting over it. You and I need to chat more. =) Get back to me when you can!

    Wendy

    • We do need to chat, and I look forward to it.

      Wendy you show such amazing strength and resilience and I can only hope to be where you are in two years. I admire what you are doing very much.

  2. I can so empathize with your post, that I think I have to cut, paste, copy and insert it into an ANNIVERSARY CARD for my husband … ( OOPPS…Tangent thought… WE SO NEED INFIDELITY CARDS LIKE THIS in STORES)… I digress, The card would make ME feel better, … but I doubt it would ever sink in to him the eternal pain and conflict I have about this situation, EVEN THOUGH I AM BEING THE BRAVE ONE ! THAT I AM THE HEROINE. EVEN though, I look like a FOOL to everyone that knows ?????
    GREAT LINES… oh so, gifted, anointed writer that you are ! ARROWS to my HEART in The never ending Whoreger Games, like DITTO to the below, … and I think each would make a great liner on the front of the infidelity section of greeting cards. ( MY possible RETORTS in parenthesis for the inside of the card)
    ….”Will she up the ante and do something I can’t even imagine right now? (ABSOLUTELY.)
    ….. “I just feel a massive sense of unfairness and betrayal.” ( And to make you feel better, In time, it won’t go away ! )
    …. “Yes, I have my husband, but I have a man who cheated on me. I have a man who is eternally sorry, and whose presence is a reminder daily of his infidelity”. (Unfortunately most men can’t handle opportunistic sluts…But, At least mine is now well trained and I live in reality.)
    ….”what people THINK they would do, and what they ACTUALLY do when put into this situation can be very different.” ( Which is why you should never say never… and know the best attorneys in town! )
    “Stay for the kids, absolutely not. The kids are better off with parents happily separated than parents who are together but miserable, and what will they learn from it? ( Anyone who says this is a blissful idiot…… children are never happily separated. … It is the biggest lie. )
    …. OH, The blissful ignorance of not knowing. ( Or When I thought I was truly happy)
    …. I am a woman who lives under a dark cloud, constantly in fear of it happening again, or of the whore bitch creating yet another scheme to hurt us. ( GOOD THING THE KNIVES ARE SHARPENED !)
    ….How much hurt can one person dish to another and feel justified in doing so? I don’t understand. ?
    ( Don’t try to understand EVIL, BE PREPARED for it.)
    ….That desire to want to punish her, to seek revenge…. It is seriously taking over every waking moment of my day. ( which is why , when I finish my coffee and venting my anger in my journals… I am going to the shooting range… and then come home and have sex with my husband !)
    …..She is getting such a free fucking ride. (The road to HELL is paved with good Intentions, let’s hope Karma is a bitch)
    ….. Before anyone says “you got your husband back….he didn’t leave you” ( Are YOU really serious ? Like that delusional whore ?)

    …okay I am sure you can dream up some witty ZINGERS ! Because Humor is the best medicine for dealing with these stunning and deplorable acts of selfishness from COVETOUS, BORDERLINE WHORES and other DOMESTIC RELATIONS-SHIT TERRORISTS.

    PS… I inappropriately (once) intercepted a correspondence from one of the Whore’s delusional friends, who was consoling the Whore BABYMAMA about the evil WIFE …. and who shockingly said; ” she couldn’t understand WHY the wife was so mad and NOT OVER IT…. Because “AT the LEAST…” SHE GOT her HUSBAND BACK ??? ” …so I can really relate to that particular insult.

    I promise the next D-DAY anniversary will be better. This saddness is normal. It is part of acceptance. You can’t change the past , but you can choose your future. Be BRAVE my sister Heroine !

  3. Jennifer says:

    Those of us in that situation are definitely the losers, and yet we are the ones who did nothing wrong!
    And yes, that wonderful bloke who was your husband is in fact a lying cheating bastard, who has done the greatest act of selfishness you could imagine.
    Your anger and bitterness are justifiable. Don’t think that on top of all else, you’re a bad person for feeling so crazed with rage. Who in your case wouldn’t feel that?
    I’ve stuck with my husband for now, but if his grubby little affair had resulted in a child that would be it.I just couldn’t do it.
    It’s good that you can look at your holiday snaps and see the happiness. I look at our holiday photos and realise that what I thought were the happiest days of my life, were in fact a big lie. I’ve hidden those pictures from my sight.
    Please take care. You really sound like you’re at the end of your tether. Sometimes making secret plans of your own – searching the net for a new house for yourself, etc – even if you never action those plans, can be therapeutic.

  4. I am so glad I found this site!! I am not quite a year into this just about 9 months of torture under my belt. All of the feelings talked about sound just like what is going through my mind 24/7!! I just want to feel good again. Happy Easter!!/Passover !!

    • Summer…welcome!

      I’m glad you’ve found the site too. You’ll find a lot of your sentiments echoed, I’m sure. I think we all have in common the pain and suffering, although it presents itself differently for us all.

      • I'm The Prize says:

        So, I’m not the only one. I haven’t gotten to the 2 year “anniversary” of D-Day yet but I did just past the 2 year mark of when the affair started. My marriage is better than it has been in about 25 years so I should be happy right? (my husband has service related PTSS and has not been easy to live with all of these years) We just had our 30th wedding anniversary. We spend more time together. He is more attentive. He is easier to live with (thank God for paxel!) So, why am I still not over it. I’ve been asked that by several people who know about the affair.

        Are they freaking serious? They have no idea what it is like to live in my head! They have no idea how many fears and insecurities I have! They have absolutely no idea what it is like to desperately want to get on with life, to spend just one day without thinking about it, to be able to feel happy again! If I could, I so would! And it makes me so angry that the gold digging, life stealing (she didn’t just want my husband, she wanted my whole life) whore can just move on and act like it never happened. That’s because it didn’t happen to her. Part of me wants no part of revenge because I know in the end THAT will cost ME too. But there is part of me that wants her to fall madly in love with some single guy, to make him her world, to marry him, and to have him screw around with the first piece of whoring trash that comes his way. I want her not to be happy a single day in her life until I am.

        That is the saddest part of this whole thing. I would have never been that way before. This whole thing has changed me. . . and not for the better.

  5. Just re-reading this and what a difference another year makes. So glad I no longer feel any of this. So glad time moves forward and so have we.

  6. StrugglingDaily says:

    I’m less than a month from the final d-day (I got only a part of the story for the first one). We are trying to work things out and my husband is very committed to it, but I am struggling. I have made it this far in your blog in about a week of reading from the beginning. So much of your story resonates with me. At this point, I’m thinking how can I continue to live in this pain for another 2 or 3 years. I’m not sure I can handle it for another 2 or 3 months…

    • With every passing day, provided your husband is doing the work, and the two of you are communicating effectively around this, your tomorrows will not feel like your yesterdays. Each day will gradually get better and better, but you won’t notice the gradual changes. It’s kind of like gaining weight, the small incremental changes don’t often feel like very much, but then suddenly you look back over several weeks, and you realize how far you’ve come.

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