Advertisements

Wiping the slate clean


A few months back, I posted about wishing there was a way to induce amnesia so that I wouldn’t have to wake up in this nightmare every day.  I joked that if such a think existed, I would be first in line.  To NOT have the memory of the affair, and to wake up with everything BUT that on my mind – that would be a gift.

As I walked through the grocery store, a magazine cover caught my eye.  The cover story talked about wiping away painful memories forever.  I didn’t even open it, I just added it to my cart, to read later.

The online article can be found here 

The article talks about how memories are made, and how each time we reaccess a memory, we essentially save over the old one, with some details being missed, or biased towards different perspectives.  We create neural pathways to remembering an event which can be severed, leaving all other memories intact.  By having people recall a painful event, while at the same time preventing the protein synthesis the brain uses to recall it and the emotions associated with it, the associations are broken and the next time it is overwritten, the details are lost.  Brilliant. Sign me up.

I talked to my husband about it…ok so I texted him about it since he hasn’t been around much lately (and yes, the alarm bells go off when that happens), and he wouldn’t want to do it.

IF it were possible, here are the pros and cons, as I see them:

Pros:

1. I would never again remember the events of the affair, and could live my life in happiness with my family intact, no longer recollecting the infidelity and its after-effects (no flashbacks, fears, PTSD)

Cons:

(OK so there was only one pro, but what a PRO it is!!!!)

1. I would have to ask all of my friends to never discuss it with me again

2. My husband and I could never talk about it again, which means he would lose ME as a support for the feelings HE has about it

3. He would now have to live a lie, paying monthly child support that he hides from me so that I don’t wonder what it is for

4. We would lose the benefit of having “worked through it”, taking instead a shortcut to a better place

5. If and when the child shows up down the line, and I am sure she will, would I be re-traumatized?

OK so there are more cons than pros….but I would still do it.  In fact, I emailed some individuals cited in the article to ask about it, and to also ask about more specific PTSD therapies for dealing with traumatic events.  So far, my therapy individually has been talk-therapy, and while friendly and supportive, I don’t find it is helping me cope with the trauma very well.  I think I want to seek out some more specific targeted therapy, and thought these individuals may have some recommendations.

But…given a choice, if I could take a pill to forget, knowing that my husband would now have to live a lie to protect me…I would choose that.  He’s lied to me before.  He was pretty good at it.  And while it would be hard for him, most of me doesn’t even care.  This was done TO me, and I want relief whether that relief is hard for him to swallow or not.  I’m not the one who couldn’t keep it in my pants, so I think a lifetime of keeping a secret to protect someone you’ve hurt is a small price to pay.  I think so anyway.

Advertisements

Comments

  1. Foolish Woman says:

    You have some interesting and well argued points there.
    I’ve thought for some time that there is an element of choice in how we handle matters – and have wondered about getting myself some CBT to assist in this. Thankfully, I’m now at the point where the good days greatly outweigh the bad so maybe I’m doing ok on my own.
    Of course, I haven’t had to deal with the shitstorm you’ve experienced. You have my utmost admiration for how you’ve coped.

  2. SLAP… SNAP OUT OF IT !
    You have to EMBRACE the UNFORGETTABLE.
    It is what makes you STRONGER and WISER.
    And You are so very INTERESTING, self aware and LOVEABLE !
    Imagine how special you are and wonderful your life really IS !…. Because why else would those scorned side-porks and babymama-whores be out there in the dark desperately plotting and planning HOW to take it all away from you ????
    It is laughable how predicable they all are. CUT from the same mold of piss.

    “Don’t Give in to the DARK SIDE Luke”. “RISE and Rise again until lambs become LIONS !”

  3. Chrissy says:

    I havent read all of the article yet, but I would love, love love a forget it pill. Everyday, before I am even awake, I relive the events that happened. A year and a half later. Every single day while I am trying to come out of sleep, I am already feeling pain. I already have to start my fight to get out of bed. I have to remind myself it isnt a nightmare, it really happened. Give me the damn pill. The thing is, I dont want to be on medication to face my life. I do know what happened. There was an entire life going on behind my back. People knew all about me that I didnt even know existed. And they knew about me intimately. To say I spent a lot of time in fear is an understatement. It took months to find solid ground. And know that I am here, I am happy I’m not the “obliviously happy wife who doesnt know”. I see a lot of them on my very own facebook. Although I wish I never felt this pain, its more like I am in pain because it even happened. Not because I know. Things were off, and thats how I found out. I’d rather be in the know and stop it and know the truth…or whatever truth I can gather after all the lies that were told to me. I have a timeline in my head of the events of the affair. Not to help me to relive it, but to understand the memories I had when I didnt know and piece in what was actually going on behind my back. I’ve asked for every detail, because I have to know. I cannot not know what he was going behind my back. I cannot just look the other way. But know that I’ve gone through every excrutiating detail and reason why, now I want to forget. I dont want to relive this timeline everyday anymore. Maybe its by body protecting me from being that naive ever again, or opening my heart that way. I’m tired of it. I want to feel whole, and fall deeply in love again and wake up in happiness to him holding me. The way it was before. Right now I still cry, and I still feel pain.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: