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Pregnancy = Marriage?


I was talking with my husband the other night, while he was doing the dishes (yes, he does do the dishes, and yes maybe that was one of the reasons I stayed…just kidding).

We got to talking about mistresses and their distorted beliefs. We talked about how his mistress was so deluded, and felt as though they would be together, even after he’d told her repeatedly that they wouldn’t. Despite him telling her many times that he loved me, found me beautiful, etc., she still continued to tell him that he would be leaving me, and coached him in how to do exactly that. Towards the desperate end, when they both knew that telling me was inevitable (if he didn’t, she would), she actually took him down to the boardwalk and told him what to say, how to say it, and role played it with him. It damn near broke his heart hearing the words “I don’t love you, and I never loved you” come out of his own mouth, knowing that he didn’t feel that way. Despite hearing him say repeatedly that if I left him over the affair, that he STILL would not seek a relationship with her, she maintained that they would be together. It was like they were talking past each other.

During our conversation over dishes, my husband told me that she was, in fact, the result of an unplanned pregnancy….sort of. Her sister, who is two years older than her, was conceived by accident. Feeling pressured, the two young adults married, and two years later had the mistress. Could it be that she grew up feeling as though marriage can be the end result of an unplanned pregnancy, and that if she only gets pregnant….she can coerce a relationship out of it? After all, it worked for her mom, right?

It really does make one sit back and wonder what feeds these distortions, and I have to wonder to what extent her childhood reality allowed her to think that she ever had a chance in hell with my husband. If she really did believe these wildly distorted things, she must have had quite the wake-up call when the day after the disclosure, she found out that he was still at home, and we were taking the kids out to the toy store…together….as a family. Her world must have come crashing in, and what I would have given to be a fly on her wall.

My husband was very clear with her from the beginning about his intentions. For the first while, according to him, she played along and seemed to be on the same page, insisting that there was an escape clause for both of them. It was only once she started to develop feelings, and things had progressed that she no longer wished to play by the rules she’d set. The game had changed, but not all parties had been notified. Things then took a twisted and evil turn, with manipulations and coercions. It’s sad, but maybe she thought that all good relationships are borne of lies, cheating, sneaking, coercion and manipulation. If that’s the case, I doubt she will ever find anyone to have a healthy relationship with. In fact, given my suspicions that she is a borderline personality disordered person, she likely can’t have normal, healthy relationships anyway. I feel for her poor daughter.

**After some of the comments to this posting, I thought I would add this video clip**

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Comments

  1. dotcablogger says:

    Whoa

    Hmmm, yes some people marry because of an unplanned pregnancy. But out of these couples, are GOOD reasons and not distorted beliefs. I can vouch because, well, we married because I had gotten pregnant much sooner than expected. We had the intention to marry, but that intention became a plan to marry soon because I was pregnant.

    So, yes, there are those who hold distorted beliefs: Like if you’re dating the married man, then he should marry you eventually.

    But then there are those who have good reasons: Such as they’re a dating couple (no one is cheating on any one).

    • Laiann my apologies as two things were said that we’re not intended to be connected.

      The mistress has distorted beliefs. That’s well documented. She thought my husband loved her, when he told her numerous times that he doesn’t. She thought he would be with her, when he told her numerous times he wouldn’t. She thought he had a bad marriage, when he told her multiple times that he didn’t. She had a way of distorting the truth, of distorting reality, to suit her purposes. Her ability to distort reality has nothing to do with her being the result of an unplanned pregnancy. That was a whole other issue on the side. My mentioning of that was simply that she was raised in a home in which she was likely led to believe that if you become pregnant, a marriage may follow. That’s what she learned from her reality. That’s what she learned from her parents. But I think we can agree that that is not always the case. Yes, absolutely good things do come of unplanned pregnancies. Unplanned pregnancies can lead to beautiful marriages. The pregnancy issue and the distorted beliefs issue do not go hand-in-hand, and are not connected. I was not intending to apply that people of unplanned marriages have distorted beliefs.

      • dotcablogger says:

        Oh I know what you were trying to write :). I get you :-D.

        Anyway, yeah, that lady (One Who Shall Not Be Named) is a T-R-A-I-N W-R-E-C-K. That is undoubted.

        Which has got me thinking…

        I have to teach our daughter (currently 2 1/2) when she can understand that “dating a married man and then getting pregnant by him” is a BIG No No. So two things:

        1) don’t date a married man because he’s married or taken
        2) don’t date a married man, get pregnant by him, and expect him to marry you because that won’t ever happen! You’ll just be loathed.

  2. dotcablogger says:

    She specifically is a f**ked up case. She’s a train wreck.

    So again, there are legitimate couples (like those who are dating, and no one is cheating on any one else) who have an unplanned but wanted pregnancy.

  3. I’m dating a married man, but he’s made it very clear that he doesn’t intend to leave his wife…and that if she were to somehow leave him, that wouldn’t necessarily mean a change for our relationship.
    Not all mistresses are delusional.

    • I Will refrain from commenting about your morality where sleeping with a married man is concerned, and feeling entitled to be a partner in his betrayal.

      I didn’t say that all mistresses are delusional. I said that one is, illustrated by my many examples of how she refused to hear what was being said, and chose instead to believe we delusion that they were destined for each other.

      You probably won’t want to hear this, but consider that you are worth more than being second best to anyone. I always wonder how mistresses deal with the reality of always being second, instead of being someone’s one and only, their first choice, their only choice. I don’t know you, but I do know that you deserve that. Everyone does.

      • I’ve written a few posts on what it’s like being the other woman. It isn’t always easy, but it’s always worth it.
        As for my morality, I’m a really nice person, I swear. I’m working on my B.S. and have a 4.0 GPA. I cry when I kill a bug and I love baking cookies for my teachers. I just see the world differently. I don’t see the actual issue with dating a married man. His wife can’t fill all of his needs. It’s absurd to think that one person could make another happy for 50+ years.
        But then again, I also have polygamist tendencies…and I’m only 20 years old.
        I don’t agree with the lying, but if more people would embrace polygamy I think the world would be a happier place.

      • So does that mean that when you do grow up and get married, devote yourself entirely to one person, sacrifice to bear his children, and create a family that you will be fine with another woman sleeping with him on the side?

        I think you’d benefit from doing some reading on affairs. I’d recommend “not just friends” by Shirley glass. It is a common misconception and a popular belief among mistresses that the man is having an affair because something is lacking in the marriage. Affairs have nothing to do with marital happiness most of the time. Sure, there are unhappily married men who are looking for more, but web they know they are unhappy and have tried everything and I mean everything to save their marriage, why don’t they simply ask to be released instead of making a mockery of their partner? I imagine that if mistresses feel that they are filling some gap, they likely also feel they’ve one-upped the wife. But is it good to come second? Good to go home at night unable to share his bed because someone else does? Do you know if he is a toothpaste squeezer or tube-roller? How does he like his socks folded? Does he snore? Does he make any cute sleep sounds when he sleeps? These little details seem silly, but they are the little things that come with knowing someone. You sleep alone, he sleeps with her. Does he tell you they aren’t sleeping together? Most of the time, if you read up on affairs, that isn’t the case. In fact some report greater frequency of marital sex when there is an affair.

        You may believe in polygamy, but I have to wonder how you would feel if it was done to you, and another woman defiled your marriage? In my case, she said many times she would lose it if anyone ever did it to her. When the affair was revealed, and she emailed me to hurt me further (like she hadn’t done enough), she expressed how calm I appeared and how I must be the unfeeling person he always said I was. By the way, he never did say that – another delusion. She said how amazed she was that I wasn’t a mess because she would have been crushed. So I ask, what kind of person willingly commits an act against another that if it were done to them, they would be hurt by? How does one knowingly hurt another? Is it out of selfishness? Are you just do wrapped up in what you want and feel entitled to that you don’t give the wife an ounce of consideration? I am asking this with all honesty because I am curious to know how mistresses make sense of their place.

        Personally I agree with you that if more people loved, it would be a better place. However I also think that love between two should not be infringed upon. I also believe that life is hard enough for women without us hurting one another. There ought to exist a woman code. You know he is married, you walk away. He is taken. Someone loves him to pieces. Someone has devoted herself to him. Someone would be heartbroken to know what you are doing. So how would you honestly feel? (knowing of course that at 20 and without being married that you can’t possibly have the perspective needed to answer that with any reliability or dependable fact.

    • Youngsub91, I had to go back and re-read what you wrote. I don’t mean this to be condescending to you in ANY way, but I am not sure it won’t come off that way in writing without tone and inflection, so please know in advance that I don’t intend to be a smart ass, or condescend…

      If he has made it clear that he won’t leave his wife, and that even if she were out of the picture, he still would not commit to you, what does that mean to you? What does that say?

      Let’s play a little game. Here are the facts, you draw the conclusion:

      I drink coffee every day, and have for the last 15 years.
      I’ve had the opportunity to try tea also
      Without warning, the coffee industry collapses and coffee is no longer an option
      I like warm drinks
      In the absence of coffee, do I now turn to tea to replace my need for a warm soothing drink?
      What if I were to tell you that even if coffee was no longer available, that I would still not drink tea, even if it were the only choice available, and would prefer to go without entirely.
      What do you conclude about the degree to which I like tea?

      If you haven’t drawn the conclusion, I would have to say that in this scenario as you describe it, you are tea. The wife is coffee, the drink he’s loved and enjoyed for many years. Something happens (she leaves him or he leaves her), and he still wouldn’t choose you. He’d be alone or start over before committing to you. I’m sorry, but my heart hurts for you if that is the case.

      Dating, for the record, is two people who are getting to know one another, spending a lot of quality time together, have met, or are eventually going to meet the parents/family of the significant other, and if things are “serious”, they have as a prime goal to make the other person feel loved and appreciated, wanting them to associate them with positive loving feelings. Have you met his parents? Do they know about you? Does he call it “dating?” or is that your term? Does he make you feel loved and appreciated when he leaves you to go home to his wife? Does he make you feel appreciated when he tells you that even if there was no other choice, he still wouldn’t be with you? I’d recheck your statements.

      I am sorry, but it does sound delusional, or maybe just young and inexperienced. You have so much ahead of you…don’t waste your time and spend your early dating years being someone’s second, when you could be someone’s first, best and the only one they want. Men rarely leave their wives….they just like to have their cake and eat it too, and for most men, the affair is just a way to have sex with someone new and different. It is about sex, not love. Men don’t have sex for love or love for sex. They have sex for sex.

      My husband didn’t call his affair “a relationship”. She called him “her boyfriend” and he refused to allow it. In his opinion, he’d moved beyond the age and experience of “dating” and having a “girlfriend”. He had a real life, a WIFE and was married. She, however. wanted to see it as the glossy, hopeful relationship we all strive for when we are dating, except in most normal situations, the person we are longing for is devoted to us entirely…not sharing us with someone else for his own perverse self-esteem boost. Don’t be someone’s self-esteem boost, be his reason for waking up in the morning, the reason he gets up with a smile, and the reason he goes to sleep hopeful for the day ahead. Be the one true thing that makes him happy…not his side-partner. You are worth more.

      • Let me begin by saying that I welcome all of your questions. I did not take them in a condescending way and I appreciate you making it clear that it wasn’t intended that way. However, it is getting rather late and you’ve asked a lot of questions. I fully intend to answer all of your questions. Our relationship is a complicated one and some thing simply must be withheld out of respect for his privacy, but tomorrow when I get home I will give your comment a proper response. I just didn’t want you to think I was ignoring your questions. 🙂
        And please keep in mind, I’m fully aware that being 20 years old gives me a …let’s say, different perspective.
        I’ll be back tomorrow! 🙂

      • I am glad my words weren’t taken the wrong way. Although I disagree with your position, I do look forward to learning more about you, and what draws you to this situation. I have spent the last 2 years trying to understand buy husband’s mistress, but given that I think she is a nutbar, I decided not to go there. nothing makes sense in there 😉

        You and I will fundamentally disagree on affairs, we both know that. I’ve been devastated by one. You are actively participating in one. But, I think we can respect one another and participate and learn. What you are involved in is undoubtedly one of the most painful and devastating things that could befall someone. I am very interested to hear your perspective.

  4. If one is so delusional to keep buying into the false premise that fornicating with a married man is somehow equivalent to “dating”…. Uuuhh??. … Okay sure … You aren’t delusional. Keep drinking the koolaid sweetie !
    And don’t call it a relationship. It’s not… It’s an unhealthy , self-centered, ego boosting, carnal lusting encounter with disturbing consequences.
    You are being used and it isn’t even love. Get real.

  5. RESCUING my Marriage…… don’t get sucked into a fool’s errand. You can’t argue with or change minds of insane people who are deep in the delusional pond of irrational thinking …where they convince themselves that somehow they are “dating” ( fornicating) a cheating married men who they deem with “unclean hands” to be a BOY friend or significant relationship. They are what they are …. immoral, un-empathetic skanks and sluts with financial agendas.
    Until a wife takes a 2 X 4 to their heads and them they a poo-hoo “victims” of evil men.

    • Wow. That’s harsh. We are neither arguing nor trying to change each others minds. We’re simply sharing our perspectives. I’m not immoral, un-empathetic, a skank or a slut…and I definitely do not have a financial agenda.

  6. You’ve asked a lot of questions so I thought the best way to resond would be to copy your comments and then add my answers…sort of like an interview. I hope it isn’t too difficult to read!
    rescuingmymarriage says:
    April 4, 2012 at 9:15 pm
    “So does that mean that when you do grow up and get married, devote yourself entirely to one person, sacrifice to bear his children, and create a family that you will be fine with another woman sleeping with him on the side?”
    I see my marriage playing out differently. I plan on having a polygamist-like marriage. Each of us free to form meaningful lasting relationships with others, so long as the children were taken care of. Having dated a polygamist in the past (who was also married to his wife and husband and was raising 2 children with them) I’m confident that this will work. In my time with that boyfriend he went through 3 other girlfriends. I was genuinely excited and happy for him whenever he had a new romantic interest.
    “I think you’d benefit from doing some reading on affairs. I’d recommend “not just friends” by Shirley glass. It is a common misconception and a popular belief among mistresses that the man is having an affair because something is lacking in the marriage.”
    You’re right, it is a common belief. I mean, if the marriage wasn’t lacking in anything, then why would these men be looking beyond their relationship?
    ” Affairs have nothing to do with marital happiness most of the time. Sure, there are unhappily married men who are looking for more, but web they know they are unhappy and have tried everything and I mean everything to save their marriage, why don’t they simply ask to be released instead of making a mockery of their partner?”
    This is definitely not an option for my boyfriend. His wife has a plethora of health issues that require him to be constantly there to help her. He feels a sense of obligation to remain with her. Out of respect for his privacy I won’t go into much detail, but know that my boyfriend has quite valid and noble reasons for staying with his wife.
    “I imagine that if mistresses feel that they are filling some gap, they likely also feel they’ve one-upped the wife.”
    Not true, in my case. I have never felt like I’ve one-upped her. I respect her tremendously. She is someone that is important in my boyfriend’s life and someone he cares for and loves.
    “But is it good to come second?”
    I don’t feel like I’m competing with her. I don’t think I’ve come in second, I’m in a different race altogether. I’m no better or worse than her. However, it is quite clear in my mind that we are not exactly equals, either. For example, if she needs him, her needs overrule mine. However, he loves us each for very different reasons.
    “Good to go home at night unable to share his bed because someone else does?”
    I don’t really care that he sleeps in the same bed as her, I’m more concerned that he’s not in bed with me…if that makes any sense.
    “Do you know if he is a toothpaste squeezer or tube-roller?”
    Yes, I do.
    “How does he like his socks folded?”
    In a very weird way. I don’t bother to fold, or even match, my socks, so it seems weird to me that he does.
    “Does he snore?”
    Not anymore
    “Does he make any cute sleep sounds when he sleeps?”
    Yes, he sounds like an alien because of his CPAP.
    “These little details seem silly, but they are the little things that come with knowing someone.”
    They don’t seem silly to me. These are things I know. We have spent enough nights together for me to know these things.
    “You sleep alone, he sleeps with her. Does he tell you they aren’t sleeping together?”
    He doesn’t lie to me. I know they sleep together.
    “Most of the time, if you read up on affairs, that isn’t the case. In fact some report greater frequency of marital sex when there is an affair.”
    Well, there’s a fact I did not know.
    “You may believe in polygamy, but I have to wonder how you would feel if it was done to you, and another woman defiled your marriage?”
    While I haven’t been married, I did have a boyfriend (the one I mentioned earlier) who had various love interests in addition to his marriages. I loved that he had other people he loved and cared for.
    “In my case, she said many times she would lose it if anyone ever did it to her. When the affair was revealed, and she emailed me to hurt me further (like she hadn’t done enough), she expressed how calm I appeared and how I must be the unfeeling person he always said I was. By the way, he never did say that – another delusion. She said how amazed she was that I wasn’t a mess because she would have been crushed.”
    I’m really sorry you had to go through that. I’m not blind to the potential pain I could cause. After my parent’s divorce my mom fell madly in love with a long time friend. Once there were talks of marriage it was revealed that not only was he cheating on her, he had gotten various women pregnant and was dating about 5 other women at the time he was dating my mother. I saw how devastated she was, though she tried to hide it.
    I’m really sorry you had to go through this. And I admire you for keeping your marriage together.
    “So I ask, what kind of person willingly commits an act against another that if it were done to them, they would be hurt by?”
    You make a good point, however, I think I would be more hurt that my husband felt a need to keep something from me than the fact that he had taken a mistress.
    “How does one knowingly hurt another? Is it out of selfishness? Are you just do wrapped up in what you want and feel entitled to that you don’t give the wife an ounce of consideration? I am asking this with all honesty because I am curious to know how mistresses make sense of their place. ”
    Here, I will confess something to you. He isn’t exactly my ‘boyfriend’. We have a complex relationship best described as a Daddy dom/little girl relationship. It is part of BDSM. Not incest related…at all. I won’t go into details here but if you’d like to know more about this kind of relationship you can read about it here: http://www.socialperversion.com/2008/08/25/daddydom-what-it-means-for-his-baby-girl/
    I mention this to explain how I see my place in his life. I imagine a piece of me is being selfish about this. I’ve fallen for him and I don’t want him out of my life. Now, because of our rather unique relationship, I can’t speak for all mistresses, but he has often said that I am his place of peace in the chaos that is his life.
    “Personally I agree with you that if more people loved, it would be a better place. However I also think that love between two should not be infringed upon.”
    You make a good point. And, though it may seem contradictory, I agree with you. I do not interfere in their relationship. In fact, he has told me many times before that I have helped him be a better husband and friend to his wife.
    “I also believe that life is hard enough for women without us hurting one another. There ought to exist a woman code.”
    Here, I must disagree with you. A marriage is essentially a contract. I did not sign this contract. The marriage is his and hers. They alone should be responsible for maintaining the rules of that contract. My boyfriend and I started talking because he was seeking advice on how to have an affair. We became friends because of my experience dating 2 married men simultaneously. Within a month, we were in love and committed to each other.
    “You know he is married, you walk away.”
    He knows he is married and should walk away.
    “He is taken. Someone loves him to pieces. Someone has devoted herself to him.”
    In his case, that’s debatable. I think it’d be more reasonable to say that he has devoted himself to her.
    “Someone would be heartbroken to know what you are doing.”
    I’m pretty sure she knows he’s cheated on her before. She may not be aware of it now, but she at least knows he has a history of it. She may not want to face it, but she has to know.
    “So how would you honestly feel? (knowing of course that at 20 and without being married that you can’t possibly have the perspective needed to answer that with any reliability or dependable fact.)”
    You’re right. Being 20 and unmarried I can’t possibly have the proper perspective to answer. However, the way I see my life playing out, my husband would be free to have other relationships so long as there was complete honesty. I value communication quite highly.
    rescuingmymarriage says:
    April 4, 2012 at 9:37 pm
    “Youngsub91, I had to go back and re-read what you wrote. I don’t mean this to be condescending to you in ANY way, but I am not sure it won’t come off that way in writing without tone and inflection, so please know in advance that I don’t intend to be a smart ass, or condescend…
    If he has made it clear that he won’t leave his wife, and that even if she were out of the picture, he still would not commit to you, what does that mean to you? What does that say?”
    He’s explained his choice. Being more than 20 years older than me, he fears that with his family history I would only be commit to being his nurse in his old age. He wants me to fall in love with someone my own age, have a family, grow old together…and he wants to be by my side for all of it. Once I graduate from my Master’s degree, he will help me find a suitable husband. Someone I can trust and be honest with. He will always love me, much like I will always love him. It isn’t that he won’t commit to me, he’s already committed to being a friend for the rest of my life, he won’t marry me for my own good, essentially. You can visit my blog if you’d like to know more. I wrote a post about this the first time he made this clear to me.
    “Let’s play a little game. Here are the facts, you draw the conclusion:
    I drink coffee every day, and have for the last 15 years.
    I’ve had the opportunity to try tea also
    Without warning, the coffee industry collapses and coffee is no longer an option
    I like warm drinks
    In the absence of coffee, do I now turn to tea to replace my need for a warm soothing drink?
    What if I were to tell you that even if coffee was no longer available, that I would still not drink tea, even if it were the only choice available, and would prefer to go without entirely.
    What do you conclude about the degree to which I like tea?”
    I’d say you really hated tea.
    “If you haven’t drawn the conclusion, I would have to say that in this scenario as you describe it, you are tea. The wife is coffee, the drink he’s loved and enjoyed for many years. Something happens (she leaves him or he leaves her), and he still wouldn’t choose you. He’d be alone or start over before committing to you. I’m sorry, but my heart hurts for you if that is the case. ”
    He would stay alone. He doesn’t want to be a burden on anyone. It’s something we’ve talked about extensively. We will always love each other…but we won’t marry. Our age difference (his own daughter is older than I am) would be enough to cause a lot of tension between our families.
    “Dating, for the record, is two people who are getting to know one another, spending a lot of quality time together, have met, or are eventually going to meet the parents/family of the significant other, and if things are “serious”, they have as a prime goal to make the other person feel loved and appreciated, wanting them to associate them with positive loving feelings.”
    We are 2 people who have gotten to know each other, we spend a lot of quality time together, we will not be meeting each other’s families, and we both do our best to make the other feel loved and appreciated.
    “Have you met his parents? Do they know about you?”
    No, I have not. Besides the fact that they live in a different state, it just wouldn’t do for their 46 year old son to introduce them to the 20 year old he now loves.
    “Does he call it “dating?” or is that your term?”
    Good question…now that I think about it, he doesn’t actually call it dating…he doesn’t call it anything that I can recall. But he knows I call it dating.
    “Does he make you feel loved and appreciated when he leaves you to go home to his wife? Does he make you feel appreciated when he tells you that even if there was no other choice, he still wouldn’t be with you? I’d recheck your statements.”
    Yes, he does make me feel loved and appreciated even when he’s going back to his wife. I wouldn’t be able to explain how, though. It’s something about his eyes. He often talks about the sacrifice I’m making to be with him…to be his ‘beloved secret’ (his term). He tells me how much he appreciates it. He makes sure that my sacrifice is never too much for me to handle. He has often told me that if it ever becomes too much for me he would understand if I had to break it off.
    “I am sorry, but it does sound delusional, or maybe just young and inexperienced. You have so much ahead of you…don’t waste your time and spend your early dating years being someone’s second, when you could be someone’s first, best and the only one they want. Men rarely leave their wives….they just like to have their cake and eat it too, and for most men, the affair is just a way to have sex with someone new and different. It is about sex, not love. Men don’t have sex for love or love for sex. They have sex for sex. ”
    To be honest, I can see how my relationship would seem delusional. But it’s not. I’m with him with my eyes wide open, he makes sure of that. I honestly do think he loves me. He has no reason to lie to me. He had a different girlfriend/mistress when we first met. He had no reason to leave her for me. She lived closer, had greater independence, didn’t have to deal with school stuff…but he chose me, because he loves me. Because I make him happy.
    “My husband didn’t call his affair “a relationship”. She called him “her boyfriend” and he refused to allow it. In his opinion, he’d moved beyond the age and experience of “dating” and having a “girlfriend”.”
    A different married man that I dated briefly said the same thing. I asked him where we were going for our date and he explained that he didn’t think it was a ‘date’ since he was married and too old to be dating. My boyfriend doesn’t let me call him my boyfriend except when it is the most efficient way to explain our relationship. It’s easier to call him my boyfriend when I’m around friends than it is to call him my Daddy…since that would require hours of explaining. However, he makes sure I know exactly where our relationship stands and what to expect from him in the future.
    “He had a real life, a WIFE and was married. She, however. wanted to see it as the glossy, hopeful relationship we all strive for when we are dating, except in most normal situations, the person we are longing for is devoted to us entirely…not sharing us with someone else for his own perverse self-esteem boost.”
    Yes, I’d like the typical relationship that I didn’t have to hide from my family…but that just doesn’t work for me. I’m in love with a married man. It is what it is.
    “Don’t be someone’s self-esteem boost, be his reason for waking up in the morning, the reason he gets up with a smile, and the reason he goes to sleep hopeful for the day ahead. Be the one true thing that makes him happy…not his side-partner. You are worth more.”
    While his dog is typically the reason he wakes up, I think I am the reason he wants to wake up. He always texts me first thing in the morning. He tells me that I am the reason he can laugh again…the reason he can be himself again. I do think I am one of the reasons he is happy. He has much bad news and sad stuff in his life that our relationship is a way for him to escape. My problems are things that he can fix, compared to his wife’s problems which he is powerless against.

    I hope my answers help you see that not all mistresses are trying to break up people’s marriages. I don’t intend to make you think affairs are good. They aren’t. I know the pain it can cause. But I’m not trying to break up his marriage. In fact, I admire him for not leaving her. There are times when I hear him on the phone with her and I don’t feel any anger or sadness or anything…it’s much the same as if you were hanging out with a friend and they took a call during lunch. No big deal. I ask him if everything is ok and then move on. I’m interested in her well-being, but I never pry. I let him decide how much he’d like to share with me.
    I am terribly sorry for what you had to go through. I’m not a big fan of the lies. I value communication and honesty, I really do. And I’m not a terrible person, though I’m sure many would disagree. In fact, later today I’m going to volunteer at a food pantry. I tutor friends who are struggling in their classes. I’m studying to become a speech therapist for children with disabilities…my moral compass isn’t broken, just a few degrees off.

    • A few degrees off? You’re on course to DEVASTATE multiple lives beyond repair, possibly innocent children’s. It’s more than a few degrees. Find an available man & spare the heartbreak,.

      • Susan. Agreed. Until someone breaks her heart into a million pieces with an action they could have prevented buy didn’t for selfish reasons, she won’t understand the depths of the pond she’s swimming in.

      • No children will be hurt. His daughter from a previous marriage is older than I am and quite capable of living her own life. I’m not out to devastate anyone. I live 200 miles away from them. There are no credit card statements to link us, no cell phone calls or texts…he’s quite careful. He uses a separate credit card and cell phone. No bills are sent to the house.

      • I guess the question that needs to be asked is: whether you are “caught” or not, does that make what you ate doing ok? If someone steals something, and is never caught, no harm no foul? You may think that you aren’t harming anyone with your actions, but that is just a naive way to justify what you are doing. A way to make yourself think it’s ok. Now your situation is pretty different given that you aren’t just his mistress, you’re performing submissive acts and playing out domination role playing with him. You’re providing a “service” his wife likely can’t or won’t, so in that way, your comment that “I’m giving him what she can’t” or however you put it, is accurate, but nonetheless still very much disrespecting his wife.

        Would she approve?
        Would it make her life better or worse?
        Does it solidify their marriage or drive a wedge?

        She would be devastated if she knew, which means there is a transgression going on that you are part of. Whether she finds out or not, isn’t the issue. The raw fact is that you are sleeping with another woman’s husband and not everyone (in fact very few do) shares your beliefs on polygamy.

        I’m a previous sex therapist and counsellor. Without going into the father issues and esteem issues I suspect inform your choices to submit yourself emotionally and physically to a man for approval and “love”, the matter still remains that you’re helping him defile his marriage. You aren’t the innocent party here. His wife is.

      • I’m well aware of the depth of the pond I’m swimming in. I had the wife of a previous boyfriend call me once. That was definitely not a fun phone call. Thankfully, it was handled like adults. She asked me to keep her kids out of it and we’d be good. And I agreed. No big deal.

    • Jennifer says:

      At 20 I don’t think you really know the complicated depths of real love. Something that grows and develops over many years. The polygamist lifestyle that you envisage sounds naive & simplistic. As we get older, spend more time with our partners & introduce children into the relationship our emotions and feelings become deeper and we become more entangled with the person we love. How will you handle it, if one of you wants to become monogamist while the other is still wanting to screw around? Also, this man you’re with now needs to have a good hard think about the consequences to his life if you’re caught. And don’t think you won’t be. My husband thought he had all bases covered but I still somehow found out. And the consequences have been way beyond me feeling just a little pissed off by it. Our children wouldn’t speak to him for quite some time. While they’re all very civil around him now, they’ll always see him as a selfish, slightly pathetc man who can be a bit of an arse-hole. Very different from the happy-go-lucky “Dad’s such a smart great guy” feeling they once had for him. The rest of the family are really down on him too, resulting in the game of “we bags not having Christmas with ***** this year”. At this stage he’s plannng on going away camping over Christmas and I’m choosing between going with him, away from any other family, or partying with the rest of them. He’s always had a great relationship with my mother, who saw him as the “golden” son-in-law. Now she wants nothing to do with him. And he’s lost the friendship of my brother. As for our other friends, he is too ashamed to mix with those who know. This man you’re with needs to think about whether his actions will result in him becoming an outcast within his own family and circle of friends. And his wife already has health problems! Has he thought about how a revelation of his affair will afffect her physically as well as emotionallly? Sexual gratification at the expense of those who love & depend on you is the ultimate in selfishness. Can’t you do better for yourself than be with someone whose qualities are “dishonest” & “selfish”? I suspect that one day your choice in man is going to bite you on the bum.

      • Jennifer, very well said. So Youngsub91, please take in what Jennifer has said here.

        And why are you spending time with a man who is dishonest (because he cheats), and is selfish (because he makes excuses for himself)? This isn’t a respectable top pick for any woman.

  7. Youngsub. You are messed up!!! No doubt in my mind!!! Why don’t you go find some polygamist compound to live on and do all of us a big favor!! Your Bull adds nothing to this blog that interests me or probably anyone else so go continue your pathetic life with someone else’s husband!!! That’s about all you deserve headcase. Don’t bother defending yourself because I wouldn’t waste one second responding to you.

  8. It’s nice of you to post this. It sounds like you and your husband are the delusional ones. Why are you ok with him having a mistress in the first place? Can you not do your duty at home and keep him satisfied. I feel sorry for this poor girl you and your husband have brought into your sick game. If your so great and beautiful, why is he stepping outside of the marriage in the first place. Sounds like your husband has told his mistress what she wanted to hear and tells you what you want to hear. That way he gets his cake and eat it too. Wake up and see things for what they are. If your husband was truly happy he never would have stepped out with another woman in the first place. Stop blaming the mistress and hold your husband accountable. You can either continue with things the way they are or move on. If you let things go on the way they are then your as much to blame in this as he is. I had a best friend that dated a married man and the married man told her all the time how unhappy he was at home. That if she could get pregnant he could finally escape his controlling negative wife and finally be happy with her, that he could be himself with her in a way that he never could be at home. So ask your man why is he with this woman in the first place, if she is such a nutbar and he has such a perfect woman like you at home? Some would say your the crazy one for allowing this the last 2 years, What will you do if he does decide to leave you or her both one day? Or if he really does get her pregnant? What’s your contingency plan then or your next lame explanation going to be?

    • Starr,

      Normally I would not justify your posting with a response, but because I created this blog in order to be helpful to others, I feel a response is necessary.

      I suggest you read the blog in its entirety before you make such shortsighted comments. Your comments lack validity, because they lack knowledge of what actually happened. Go back and read a little, take some time to open your eyes, and then post a comment that’s worth reading. Educate yourself on affairs, and why they happen. It is the most naïve that assume that they happen because a man isn’t happy at home, or because the wife isn’t doing her “duties”. Affairs can happen and perfectly happy marriages, because the marriage is completely separate from the affair. A man can have an affair, and be perfectly happy at home. Some assholes, however, tell their mistresses they aren’t happy at home, in order to draw her in, received pity, and allow her to take care of. It keeps her roped in, thinking that his marriage is on the brink of disaster, he’s just a few steps away from leaving. Men rarely ever leave.

      My husband isn’t in an affair. He had an affair three years ago, which is long over and finished. You speak it in the present, as if it is currently happening, and that is horrendously false. I do not condone his affair, it was the worst thing that ever happened to us. We have, however, recovered, with a great deal of work, loads of therapy, and sheer determination to allow our family to survive.

      It sounds like you have either been a mistress, enter justifying your views, and position. In fact, if I didn’t know any better, I would assume you were his mistress, you sound frighteningly similar. Don’t feel the need to respond to this, your comments won’t be considered, read, or posted.

      I do suggest you take the time to read up and learn about affairs, if they are something you feel passionate about. I seen you feel passionately, since you took the time to respond. However, posting shortsighted naïve comments on someone else’s blog, about a situation that you obviously have not read enough about, isn’t wise.

      You’ll be happy to know that we are in a very happy place. Our family is restored, we are very much in love with one another, and my trust has been restored. That is due, in great part, team out of work my has been put in, by telling the truth, stepping up, taking responsibility for his actions, and being truly truly sorry. He has worked very hard to get to this place. There really isn’t much you can say to change how we feel, because it’s obvious to me at your comments lack of knowledge about affairs in general, and are very shortsighted. I hope you’ll take the time to learn more.

  9. OK. I came into this late. I’m slightly confused. To me it looks like Starr is responding to youngsub91. I think youngsub91 needs to go off to another site to talk with her own kind. She’s painfully naive about what D/s really is. TRUE D/s REQUIRES TRUTH among all parties; a man that cheats on his wife with a sub is not a man of TRUTH, therefore youngsub is not a TRUE submissive. Let’s let the little flame die.

  10. I’m a bit confused about what the problem is here. There are many long posts to drill down through. But I see that there’s a 20 year girl here (Youngsub91), and there’s another woman (Starr) who both have made weird statements to Rescuingmymarriage.
    I think the 20 year old, who is Youngsub91, can’t assert that she is mature enough to know what her choice actually means. This choice of hers to do a BDSM relationship (a service) with a married man simply sums up as doing harm to the wife who hasn’t consented to their relationship to happen. I can’t really use the word “consequences” (because it rings as cliché now) but because Youngsub91 has made this choice, there are consequences of harm to the wife of this man. Sure Youngsub91 can say geographical distance, and etc., excuses her of any culpability. But these reasons are just a distraction to what her involvement with the married man really means. That involvement does mean she is accountable – whether she wants it or not.

    I’m 31 and when I was 20, I was involved in a BDSM relationship. This relationship was not holistically good for me. In the end, these relationships simply are distractions from the real problems you’re having in your life at the time. Usually the Dom has a problem with control and is experiencing a lack of it in his professional, personal or in any other dimension of his life. The Sub usually has a problem with not getting intimate love or a committed attachment, and so will act out sexual requests that the Dom has stated that he can’t get elsewhere. The Dom makes the Sub feel special and believing that an attachment that no else can make has been made with him. I can be argued with, but these cases are pretty common. It’s also naive to deny my statements here. I’ve been there and done that. What Youngsub91 thinks she’s doing, I know and get that. But the problem is that Youngsub91 hasn’t lived and experienced being a wife.

    Being a wife is where Youngsub91 needs to put her two feet in to know what this woman’s feelings and rights within the marital relationship are. A wife never marries and expects and agrees to be cheated on. Or I’m saying that she never writes up a prenuptial contract and signs it to signify that she wholly foresees and agrees to her husband’s philandering. Each woman who marries (in monogamy and also in *polygamy*), marries while expecting this relationship will exclude other women (these women being mistresses). Or each woman marries while expecting all others (woman, man) to be excluded. The women who enter a polygamous marriage also only expect their husband to be involved with his wives and not with a mistress. If an “open marriage” is agreed to, then the husband and wife both talk with each other, hammer it out, and consent to other people having sex with each of them. But Youngsub91’s affair with this married man isn’t her involvement with his “open” marriage. Instead that poor wife is being lied to by that man and she has not consented to having an open marriage. So instead Youngsub91 is involved in an affair.

    Youngsub91 is immature because she has no experience of a wife’s life, and also no willingness to see that her affair with that married man is an affair. It isn’t just a service, or a BDSM relationship.

    When one person is lied to and hasn’t consented (this case, the wife), then your sexual relationship with that husband is just that: An Affair. If Youngsub91 wants to see polygamy or polyamory differently, sad to say that the world at large doesn’t practice her beliefs on what’s permissible in polygamy and polyamory. And these societies really won’t change. But should they? I’m a bit doubtful about Western culture being the “light of civilization” to the Asian, South Asian and Middle Eastern nations of the world. For instance, I won’t tell any Muslim that Youngsub91 is the new enlightenment on intimate relationships. That seems like trying to market Walmart to a town that has a flourishing array of locally successful businesses. So her current affair with this man seems like poison to me. Or these BDSM relationships or attempts at polyamorous relationships really just sum up as affairs. These affairs really just do harm to the person (in this case, the wife) who never consented to another woman (or guy) getting sexually involved.

  11. Okay I’ve read, in more detail, Youngsub91’s posts. It seems that Youngsub91 is doing college/university schooling and is doing well at it. But I will ask Youngsub91 these questions:
    Why do you believe that you bring peace to this man’s life, or think that you’re special or loved by him, when he has had another mistress before you?
    Was she less special in her interactions and sex with him than you are now?
    Why do you believe your relationship is unique when really this married man has repeatedly have had mistresses before you and will likely after you?
    Have you ever let yourself envision that this man will dump you and move on to having another mistress, and he will again his mistress special and a person that brings peace to his chaotic life?
    Why are you grasping at the belief that you are one of a kind to this man when he has a history of serial BDSM relationships, or serial cheating?
    Why do you also minimize what you want as a relationship by being a BDSM mistress in an affair?
    Are you really comfortable with telling yourself that even when this guy breaks up with you, that you had given him some happy memories of your relationship?
    Why do you want to only be a service to some guy by having a short-term relationship with him and being okay with him moving on with maybe some memories of you?

    Why do you believe that being married long term means that you have to make your spouse happy in that time together? The marriages that work are the ones where the husband, wife know that they can’t make their spouse happy. Only that husband, or wife can make themselves happy. And what will this happiness be? True happiness is not serial cheating on your spouse.

    Also why are you harsh or not willing to imagine what this guy’s wife must deal with from him? You are only getting this married man’s bias. You’re never getting her side of the story. There is more going on than this man is letting you know about. This man can’t be the reporter of his wife. He likely doesn’t wholly understand her, and does his current serial cheating because he is somewhat immature in his emotions and responsibility in his life. A mature adult will never repeatedly do serial cheating. A mature and thoughtful adult can or will make the mistake of cheating once. But serial cheating is indicative of a personal problem. It’s not indicative of a problem that a spouse or others do. This is a selfish problem and one where the person is arrested emotionally to do the right thing (which will be hard but necessary). Serial cheating is a symptom that arises from a deep personal problem (like a feeling of having no control over a set of circumstances that deeply affect your life).
    So another question to ask is why do you love this married man? What makes his serial cheating (like he did have a mistress previous to you), or what he says to you and does to you as a Sub remarkable enough for you to love him, and defend him?
    This guy really has personal problems that you should not trouble yourself with. He will also move on from you as his current mistress to another mistress. And because you have stated that you have attachment to him, like you love him, then you’re going to have a problem with when he does break up with you. Yes, you don’t call him boyfriend, but you have admitted that you have a love or attachment to him. So when he leaves, you will have your feelings hurt.
    Finally, this is not a question but more of a statement: Please don’t have affairs with married men or with guys with girlfriends. When you get involved, you do put yourself up for being criticized. And this criticism is justified. You get criticized or told that you’re doing a wrong thing because no woman wants to be cheated on. I can ask you: Do you want to be cheated on? Do you want to find out that some girl such as yourself has made several statements that the wife had several short-comings, she gave the guy some complications? No, of course not. But you will have to imagine yourself in the shoes of the cheated. You will want compassion, and other people to say that the cheating that was done to you was wrong.

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