Burden of responsibility and getting off Scott-free

When we are children, we are taught to share.  We are taught to “play  nice”.  When one child does something inappropriate to another, they are reprimanded.  If two children pair up to do something to a third child, both instigating children are found equally culpable, even when one points the finger at the other and said “she told me to!”, or “it was his idea!”.  What caused the circumstance is rarely an issue.  We care about making it RIGHT, and holding accountable those who contributed to the problem.  We don’t care whose idea it was, who pressured who into action….both are guilty, right?

Why is it then, that when we look at issues of infidelity, we, as women, are asked to not be upset with the whores who tried to steal our husbands and overturn our families.  Time and time again, we read about, and are told “she owed you nothing”, or “he was the one with the contract with you, not her”, or “he broke his vows, she didn’t owe you anything”, and we are asked to excuse the mistress because she isn’t the one who broke the vow.  Really?  Is it just me that strikes a bad chord with?   Am I simply too close to my own situation and filled with hatred and resentment that I am unable to see clearly what these other wise sages see?

I was recently on you tube looking up the videos I shared last week on the blog from Dr. Phil.  A quick search brought up this little number from Judge Judy.

Feel free to watch it in its entirety, but what I wanted to point out from it was that in her angry vent, the wife expresses dismay towards the “other woman”, to which Judge Judy replies that she owes her nothing.  That she isn’t the one who broke their marriage contract, and that she best take a closer look at her husband, instead of placing the blame on the mistress.   I can see both viewpoints, but I disagree entirely on this position of letting the mistress whore off scott-free.   If this were  a sandbox scuffle, mama bear would have come in and punished both, no?

I hold an immense amount of hatred towards my husband’s mistress.  Immense.  Gigantic.  Immeasurable.  If I could see her suffer, I would want a front row seat, with popcorn and perhaps a little candy to sweeten the deal.  I admit it entirely, and don’t keep it a secret.  I hate her with every cell in my body.   Do I hold her responsible?  Yes.  Is she solely responsible?  No.  My husband had free will and choice when he decided to violate our marriage.  He had the choice to walk away, to say no, to resist the feelings their interaction created.  He had CHOICE.  He made BAD CHOICES.  They BOTH did.   Why don’t I hate my husband to the same degree?  Why don’t I fantasize about him suffering emotionally and physically?  Why don’t I wish horrid circumstances to befall him, and instead try to protect him from sadness and hurt after all he’s done?

One word: Remorse.

My husband shows me through his words and actions that he regrets his choice.  He broke all contact with her, and committed to the marriage.  He’s attended therapy with me weekly for more than a year.  He’s listened, showed empathy, tried to make things right and correct the wrongs, tried to protect me from the evil that came from his actions.  He is remorseful?

Is she remorseful?  Not one iota.  Does she regret her choice?  She probably only regrets HOW she went about certain things, because in the end she lost him.  She probably regrets not digging deeper, or finding more malicious ways of keeping her hooks dug in deep.  She may regret having asked him to make a choice.  But does she regret ‘going for it?’.  No.  That is a guarantee.  Does she regret me finding out?  No, because she wants to see me suffer, and wanted me to know all along.  Does she show regret when she calls the police with false claims against me in order to keep me reminded of the ‘power’ she feels she has over me?   Does she show regret when she creates false legal claims designed to bankrupt my family, knowing that her child support payments can never be impacted, and are safeguarded no matter what happens to us financially?  No.  She has NEVER apologized.  She has never admitted fault. She has never acknowledged the pain she has caused.  She never will.  I see her sitting alone in her apartment with her child, no one to help her, no one to take over while she takes a nap, no one to share her child’s milestones with – totally alone.  But I do see a smug smile on her face when she thinks about the pain she inflicted and continues to inflict because she is evil like that.  She gets a perverse pleasure out of causing discomfort to others.  She used to do it to my husband in their relationship…make threats, cause drama, take things to the edge of normal and then rope him back, seemingly turned on by the rock and hard place she’d wedged him in.  Smug like a puppeteer holding the strings, watching others dance at her command.  That kind of person, smug and glee-filled at the thought of her destruction would never apologize.  In her mind, it will always be someone else’s fault.  It was my husband’s fault for coming on to her, it was my fault for not being complementary enough to my husband and showing him the support he needed during a rough time, it was his fault for creating a close working environment for them, it was my fault for not being the wife he needed….whatever spin she puts on it, she will always be the victim, and we the guilty party.

Why then, if these women actively prey on married men, and seek them out, are we not entitled to find them culpable, to hate them?  Why, if it takes two to cause an affair, are both parties not equally guilty, not equally responsible to the wife?  If I physically trespass on someone’s physical property, and cause irreparable damage, you can bet I will be held responsible.  She trespassed on my marriage, and yet, she “owes me nothing”???

Why do these women get their cake and eat it too?  They can walk into a marriage, engage the husband in an affair, enjoy the relationship and then walk away with no responsibility?  What is this, a car lease?   What about common decency?  What about humanity?  What about simple code of ethical conduct?   I can’t imagine EVER feeling entitled enough to do what she did, and to then CONTINUE to wreak havoc on the one I’d transgressed against.  I wouldn’t have the guts.

My healing journey would look totally different had I received one word of apology from her.  Had she expressed remorse or regret, had she expressed that she felt she’d made a mistake, or felt badly – I would be in a much better place than I am.   Instead she mocked me, called me names, ridiculed me physically, and then expressed excitement and joy in the fact that my hard work and strife would be going to pay HER child support.  She expressed joy at the idea of me slaving away to pay her monthly while she sits back and collects.  She actually said the words, followed by a “Yay me!”.   She then dragged us through the legal system with the help of a free lawyer, cost us hundreds of thousands of dollars, and continues now to squabble over $20 prescriptions for her child, for which we pay $19, and she pays $1 because her income is so disparate to ours.

Instead of facing two people keen on putting this behind us, and vowing to make better choices, I have only one who has ever once shown me that those 10 months were a mistake, were regretted, and were wrong.  The only one who has stepped up, been courageous enough to take the fall – my husband.  Remorse goes a long way to fixing a problem like this.  She will never ever ever show remorse.  Psychopathic narcissists like this simply can’t ever find fault with themselves.  So don’t anyone tell me that I don’t have the right to hate her, or to find her culpable.  Don’t tell me that she owes me nothing.  Don’t tell me that my husband was more responsible than she was.  It takes TWO, and in my reality, only one is paying their penance.