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Fidelity & The Faithful


 

We are all asked to be faithful in our marriages when we stand there at the alter and pledge our fidelity to our spouse with promises to honour them.  Last time I checked, sleeping with someone else behind their backs and lying to them wasn’t part of the definition of ‘honouring your spouse’.  That aside however, I wanted to post about fidelity and the choice to be faithful.

I use the word “Choice” when talking about being faithful because it is a choice.  Those who have strayed, did so because they chose to put their needs above the love and respect they have/had for their spouse.  The hear-and-now got in the way of the now-and-forever, and they made a choice to cheat.  People make choices NOT to cheat every day.  They choose to honour their marriages, their spouses, and to be faithful to that one person for life – because that is the promise that they made.

What makes you faithful?  What makes anyone faithful?

Are you faithful because the church or temple commands it of you?  Are you faithful because society would perceive you as lesser-than if you didn’t conform to its views on marriage and fidelity?  Are you faithful because your parents divorced and you don’t want to end up a statistic?  Are you faithful because you feel badly hurting the one you have pledged to protect and comfort?

Are any of those reasons good enough reasons to remain faithful to someone?

I pose the question because recently my widowed father became involved with another woman.  My mother has been deceased now for 9 months.  My father is already taking vacations with, and spending the night with this ‘new woman’.  While I won’t get into how hurt I feel that he has moved on so quickly, and that I feel for my mother, to whom he was unfaithful a handful of times during their 45 year marriage, I will say that it feels as though my father has cheated on my mother – again.  My father was caught cheating back in the 90’s, and my mother told me about it.  She had my father take me out to lunch and confess his wrongdoings.  I am sure it was her way of paying back to him some of the humiliation she felt.  To know that my father had cheated on my mother this ‘first’ time ( I say first, because it was the first one that *I* was aware of, but later learned that there were earlier incidents that I had been too young to become privy to), made me think that my father’s fidelity towards my mother was obviously shaky.  To later learn that not only had he cheated on her this one time, he had also had an online affair, and possibly a physical affair before I was even born.  This last one was shared with me after her death through family she apparently confided in.

With so many slip-ups in fidelity, to learn that my father has moved on so quickly after my mother’s death makes me feel like he is cheating on her again…except this time, he is allowed.  It’s almost as if he has a hall pass now, with his wife dead and out of the way, as if he’s been biding his time, being ‘faithful’ because he HAD TO, not because he wanted to….which brings me to the reason for my post.

I started thinking about my own fidelity, especially in the wake of the discovery of my husband’s affair.  Why am I faithful?  Don’t I deserve to have a new person to sleep with, a new person to explore, a sizzling on-the-side rendez-vous ?  Someone to make me fee young, sexy, vibrant?  Someone to give me a “holiday from my life?” (As my husband called it)  It would only be fair, right?  Don’t think that thought hasn’t crossed my mind hundreds of times, but in the end, I asked myself why I remain faithful, especially to a man who has shown me that our marital vows can be waived if needed, and the answer is that I am faithful for me.

I am not faithful because I took vows that tell me that I should be, or because I am contractually obligated to.   I am not faithful in order to conform to society’s ideals of marriage and relationships.  I am faithful because I want to look in the mirror and see someone that I want to see reflected back.  I want to be someone reliable.  I want to be someone dependable.  I want to be someone who honours their word, and whose actions you can count on.  I don’t want to be a second-rate version of the person and partner that I aspire to be.

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This moment of “what a crazy bitch” is brought to you by…


I come across sayings, cartoons and online quotes a lot. In fact, I have an entire pinterest folder of them. Some are perfect for the woman who tried to steal my husband and ruin my life. I just had to share in the hopes that some might make you smile too.

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A-ha moments


You know how you can be going about your usual day, and suddenly an experience will lead you to remember and earlier one? Well sometimes, the experiences of my day lead me to remember events that happened in the timeline when the affair was going on, when I didn’t yet know it was going on. I then replay those moments with a fresh set of eyes, or with a clearer pair of lenses, if you will. I replay the events with a more complete understanding, and realize how much of the picture I was missing at the time, and didn’t even realize I had blinders on.

Yesterday, as I was preparing to call a courier for my business, I was reminded of a time that my husband had asked me to call a courier to take a parcel from our home to the workplace where he had met the mistress, when they both worked for a third party (before she came to work for him personally). He had some time-sensitive documents that needed to make their way to this office, on a day when he wasn’t scheduled to work. I told him I would call a courier for him. But, as the day went on, I realized that I was going to be driving in that general area, and while it was a little out of the way, I was happy to deliver it in person, both to save the courier fee, and because I wanted to do a nice thing for him, and drop it off in person. With my new set of lenses, I replayed moments of that day, and remember calling him to tell him that I was on my way to deliver it personally. I remember him becoming really awkward, and telling me that a courier would have been better. He even asked me to turn around, and go home, telling me that the parcel wasn’t THAT important, and he would take it himself the next day. I was confused. Why did he seem so upset at my kind offer to hand deliver his parcel to his workplace? Didn’t he appreciate the personal touch? Didn’t he recognize that I was going out of my way for him? I remember him being a little snappy, and thought that he must be having a hard time at work. When his attempts to derail me from the plan of walking into his office were obviously futile, he gave me additional directions on how I could get in and out of there quickly. He obviously didn’t want me to be seen. Perhaps SHE was working that day, and he didn’t want me to come unknowingly face to face with the woman he was developing feelings for. At this point, they would have already slept together, but it was in the very early phase. He directed me to NOT go to the main desk, but to go to a side-office and deliver it to whomever was in that room. He didn’t give me a name, and even said that it didn’t matter who received it, that I should just drop and go. I did. I didn’t say hello to anyone. I didn’t stop by the main desk, and truthfully I had no reason to. Typically, when I find myself in my husband’s work place, I make an extra effort to be well-mannered and polite, friendly and pleasant. I reason that in that moment, I am representing him, and I want his colleagues to have the very best impression of him, through me, something that he could be proud of. I wasn’t dressed particularly ‘well’ that day, as I was heading up to an amusement park to meet friends, but I would have been ‘presentable’.

It’s funny, looking back, having now a full understanding of why he was so on edge. He was hiding me. Or was he hiding her? It’s hard to know who he was trying to protect from whom. I just know that he was obviously very nervous and anxious about the whole thing.

I spoke with him this morning about this experience, and jogged his memory of the event. He didn’t recall his reactions, but he can reason that he would have felt that way, given what was happening at the time. His response: “I am so sorry….” Not much more he can say, right? It was stupid and irresponsible.

I would like to think that he was protecting me from her, preventing the mistress from getting a glimpse of what I look like, feeding her curiosity about her competition, and possibly subjecting me to what he may have already felt was a deceptive person. Maybe not, but I would like to think it was me he was protecting, and for my own sanity, I will choose to look at it that way 🙂

The interesting thing that came of our conversation today about this was that it also triggered a memory for him. When I told him that perhaps the reason he didn’t want me to go to his office was because he didn’t want the mistress to know what his wife looks like, he told me that she already knew, but then he struggled to piece together how she would have known. Something inside of him reminded him that she did know….but how? There was no image of me on the desk, there wasn’t a family picture, there was only a picture of our three children, which I’d taken within the year. How did she know what I look like? He remembered a brief comment she’d made, seemingly off the cuff, about how ‘all these boring vanilla wives these days seem to drive Land Rovers and all have that same haircut; blonde hair, short in the back, longer in the front’. She was making fun of me, calling me plain, casting me into a pool of other un-original moms who all have the same car and haircut, and doing so in a way that wouldn’t seem obvious to my husband. He remembers thinking at the time, “oh my goodness, she just described MY wife!”, which of course would have then led to the obvious temporal connection “She said those women are unoriginal, vanilla, and boring and she just described my wife, so my wife is unoriginal, vanilla and boring”. It was a manipulative way to lead my husband to a negative conclusion about me, without her having had to make any negative statements about me. Typical woman…always working three levels under consciousness. The question was, how did she know what car I drove, or what I looked like? He thought it was merely coincidence that she had described me, but it was a well-thought-out ploy to cause us to crumble from the inside, having planted a bomb. She’d either driven past our home, followed me as I picked up my children from school (she knows where they attend school), or waited for me outside of my workplace. Regardless, I had been stalked and followed. She knew what I looked like because she’d made the effort to locate me and size me up. Creepy much? I knew she stalked me online…that she had found out where we lived after we moved, and had driven by. I just didn’t realize I had been stalked long before I thought I had been…in the early stage of the relationship, I was being sized up.

Anyway, I mention this only because I find it interesting how even now, flashbacks will draw me back to an event during the affair, and I re-view the event with new understanding, and a clearer perception of what was happening in my own life that I was only half-present for because my husband had shut me out. I am thankful for these moments, as they show me the stark contrast between where we were, and where we are, and I don’t feel so ‘in-the-dark’ anymore.

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Perplexed


The self-absorbed righteous mistress thinks it is all about her

 

 

I am perplexed. I am the kind of person who marvels in figuring things out. OK so maybe I don’t really want to know the inner workings of the remote control, or how the thermostat regulates the temperature in the house (I actually know all about the coiled bi-metallic anode), but I love making sense of chaos and finding a reason for why things are the way that they are, especially as it relates to human behaviour. It is for this reason that I first sought a psychology degree in my undergraduate training, and later a masters in psychotherapy. I like knowing what makes people tick. Over the years, learning myself better, I think the reason I was so attracted to knowing what guides human behaviour was my need to predict my environment and feel safe in it. I reason that if I knew what would cause a person to do a certain thing, I could better anticipate it, and not be caught off guard. Regardless, I just enjoy putting people together, like a puzzle, and figuring them out.

The mistress stumps me. You know, as I type those words each time, I don’t even like applying that term to her. The word almost looks regal on screen. The sound of the letters when placed together in a word come off my tongue almost sounding classy, when this woman is the farthest thing from a class act. I guess that is why I prefer to call her the skank, the whore, the cum-dumpster, trailer trash, the slut, the bitch, or as one lovely reader, and fellow blogger likes to call her, the “side pork”. Yup, I still love that one.

 

I can’t figure out what would make a person feel so entitled. I posted a while back on “entitlement”, and reflect often on how this poor excuse for a human being feels so entitled, despite neon signs flashing all around her which tell her the opposite. Can someone be so self-absorbed with such a warped sense of self-importance that they simply don’t think that the rules apply to them? Can someone be so delusional as to think that they are far better than anyone else, and that the rules that apply to most people, are not valid where they are concerned? The latter, of course, is actually a mental illness, and my husband and I (and our various solicitors) are convinced that she is not mentally all there, so maybe that explains it.

Looking back at the story in summary:

We find a woman who meets a married man, decides she likes him, learns he is married, and pursues him anyway. She would probably disagree that she pursued him, and make herself the victim, like he pursued her, but seriously….regardless of how it went down, or who initiated what, at some point, she decided that flirting with, kissing, and sleeping with a married man was something she was OK with, and she went ahead with her behaviour with full knowledge of his marital status, so it doesn’t really matter who pursued who, she wasn’t a victim in all of this as she would claim, she was a 50% responsible co-conspirator with my husband. She felt ENTITLED to him.

She makes the relationship ‘seem’ attractive and fun by stating that she only wants casual sex (these details by the way are found throughout her emails and text messages where she writes literally this), that she is sex-crazy and needs to have sex 4-5 times PER DAY and never feels satisfied. She advertises herself as sexually liberal and interested only in the casual nature of the sex, with no strings attached, and despite saying that she too is involved with someone, she puts forth an ‘escape clause’ that says that either one of them can put an end to the relationship at any time, no questions asked. She hoped my husband wouldn’t read the small print (his penis doesn’t have such good eyesight to read the small little print at the bottom of the page, and is easily distractible), which states that only she can use the escape clause for her own benefit, and that if he attempts to use it, he will be stalked, terrorized, harassed, threatened and his life made utterly miserable – sign on the dotted line. Something smells fishy….that is just too perfect a scenario for a woman to put forth…and so rare. Too bad my husband didn’t follow the golden rule: If something seems too good to be true…it probably is.

When it was obvious that he wasn’t interested, she became pregnant and flaunted that she’d prefer to have an abortion, and would do so if he left me and his kids. He wasn’t prepared to do that. Threats escalated. Then came the ultimatum: You tell your wife this week, or I will. She felt ENTITLED to this relationship and would do whatever she could to secure it. Since she’d already shown him that she means business and would certainly follow through on that threat, he knew the gig was up. She coached him on what to say, and how to say it, and waited gleefully off-stage while he gave the final performance of his marital career, expectantly waiting to rescue him after I kicked him to the curb. Finally, she would get what she wanted. She was ENTITLED to it. But she didn’t read me, as well as I read her, and was side-swiped with the news that he wasn’t leaving, and I wasn’t kicking him out. So the shit hits the fan.

From that moment on, the ENTITLEMENT festered and grew like a cancer, spreading like wildfire, and taking over any sensible, rational part of her brain. She decides to have her baby out of spite, knowing full well that she would be raising this child alone, and that my husband would never see the child. He’d made that very clear to her when she was deciding what to do, and wanted her to make her choice with FULL KNOWLEDGE of how it would look. This wasn’t a surprise, this was her CHOICE. He had no say in whether his child was brought into the world. She alone was going to decide that a child would be born to a fatherless home, with a mentally unstable mother, and would cost the father close to one million dollars in child support over the next 22 years. Yup, you heard me right. TWENTY-TWO YEARS. Sounds like a prison sentence doesn’t it? It feels like one. Funny how TWO people can make a CHOICE to sleep together, TWO people can decide to engage in something illicit, TWO people can conspire to keep it a secret, but ONE person can decide on behalf of BOTH of them whether a child should be born of their union, and that the other person will pay for 95% of it. Somehow that loses its fairness. At that point, what was consensual to BOTH is now decided by ONE, and guided by spite, revenge, and anger. Out of anger for not having “won the prize” when I decided to keep my husband, she decides to birth a child, stating that she looked forward to ruining us financially and having us pay for it (yes, she actually said that), and then goes on a revenge rampage, emailing everyone she can think of that is connected to my husband to tell them about the affair. She felt ENTITLED to let them know, claiming that it was her ‘responsibility’. Not only did she email work colleagues and co-workers, she contacted executive staff who manage over my husband, who have the ability to see him out of his career. When that wasn’t tasty enough, she decided she would also try to ruin us socially, and revealed the affair to friends via email, and then lastly to my parents and brother, so that I could feel a little of the humiliation as well. She felt ENTITLED to share it, it was almost, as she’d put it, her responsibility to let them all know, and cloaked it as a desire to want to inform them all so that they could ‘help me’ emotionally through the pain it would surely cause. When her actions threatened my husband’s reputation among his peers and colleagues, her employment with him was terminated. It was felt that she could no longer work in that environment, was a threat to the organization and to the principal of the company, and was let go. Despite being given 3X the severance pay that she was entitled to, along with a letter of reference, she decided to launch a wrongful dismissal suit because she felt ENTITLED to damages. She claimed emotional distress and psychological torment at having lost her job, and claimed that she was let go because she was pregnant. She obtained a free lawyer who would work for her for free for the next two years, trying to help her collect on damages. She had him convinced that my husband had raped and tormented her, and that he’d impregnated her and then hung her out to dry. He bought into it hook, line, and sinker. Any rational person hearing the story objectively, would have felt some compassion for me, the innocent party, during these proceedings, but her bottom-feeding lawyer looked at me with disgust, and refused to shake my hand when I offered it at our first meeting. Doesn’t surprise me that someone lacking any class would select a lawyer equally un-schooled in the art of human relations. She launched in tandem a complaint with the Human Rights Tribunal, hoping to collect some additional money. She felt ENTITLED to as much money as possible to offset her ‘suffering. When the time came to settle the custody and child support issues (separate legal team, separate court documents), she was encouraged to settle those before the custody would be considered. She wanted the custody settled so that her payments would be court ordered and enforceable, because she felt ENTITLED to obtain as much money from his as possible. She ended up receiving a considerable sum in settlement pay in order to drop her two false claims (she wasn’t wrongfully dismissed, and she wasn’t discriminated against (human rights) for having been pregnant. Both claims were dropped, and she walked away with her pockets filled, never having paid her lawyer a red cent. He would end up being paid from this sum. It had been the plan all along: launch as many claims as you can against him, it will end up being settled, and at the very least, we will walk away financially advantaged. Nice ploy.

 

Outside of the child support payments exist extraneous payments which are required to be paid in addition Things like prescriptions, ballet classes, music classes, school fees, team enrolment, mommy&baby classes, etc. That isn’t split 50/50, it is proportionate to income, and because she doesn’t work, we pay 95%, so when a prescription had to be filled for her daughter for $29, she sent the bill to our lawyer for $27. Yup, she pays $2, and we pay $27. I couldn’t believe, given the enormous amount she makes in child support payments, that she was scraping the bottom of the barrel and scrounging for $27….I was kind of embarrassed for her, but she felt ENTITLED. She unilaterally decided to place her child into daycare, with no regard to what the cost was. She chose one of the highest priced daycares in the area. Why? Cause she doesn’t pay for it, we do. Her 5% portion is laughable. She felt ENTITLED to spend our money how she saw fit. Why not? Free money, mandated by the laws which have been put into place to protect babies of deadbeat dads. When she decided that she wanted to get her daughter immunized against Hepatitis B (not covered by health insurance), we questioned why she would need/want to immunize her against something like this at such a young age, especially if she isn’t exposed…unless she was going on a trip? A few weeks later, a request comes for my husband to sign her passport application. She is reminded that she has complete custody, and his signature or permission for her to travel is not needed. A passport? A hepatitis B vaccination? Sounds like someone is going on a vacation!! Mexico maybe? Funny, she can’t scrape two cents together, and hasn’t been able to EVER afford a vacation…until now, when her child support payments which are far greater than what is actually NEEDED to support her child allow her to squirrel a little away at a time for her child. Looks like she went to Mexico (or some other disease infested area requiring advanced vaccination), on our dollar. Why not? She is ENTITLED to a vacation on us, right?

So here we are, two years later. The false lawsuits have been dropped and closed. She has legally released my husband from all claims relating to her employment. She gets a monthly cheque for her child support, post-dated cheques given yearly so they are never late, and daycare payments made directly to the daycare so that she can turf her kid and have some ‘mommy time’. She is ENTITLED to that though, cause she works so hard as a single mother (and I don’t doubt that she does, I am sure it is BRUTALLY hard, and I wouldn’t change places with her but let’s not forget that this was her CHOICE). She sits on the brink of a job offer, having submitted a job application that she obvious wants desperately (I guess she needs to get out of the house, 100% childcare is exhausting!! He warned her that it would be….we’ve been there…done that…she didn’t listen), and she is worried that he won’t give her a good reference. Although she has a reference letter, her fear is that someone will call him, and she can’t monitor or control what he says. She is worried that karma is going to exact a toll on her, and do to her what she has been doing to him for two years: slandering a reputation and compromising a career. Out of her fear, she has decided to launch several lies and threatens to make them public (read the post before this one called “I am mentally unstable….” if she doesn’t get what she wants. Can someone tell me why she should get what she wants, after all that she has done? Because she feels ENTITLED, that’s why.

In my attempt to decode this person’s behaviour, I am left perplexed. How can someone exact such vengeful behaviours, launch a tirade of hurtful actions, compromise my husband’s reputation and career, stalk me online, harass me with false police allegations against me, demand payments for things that she unilaterally selects, and then feel entitled to a glowing recommendation? Seriously? Is she missing a chromosome responsible for rationality? Is she really just this stupid? Or is she just ballsy, thinking that if she casts a wide enough net, she is likely to reel SOMETHING back, and she just doesn’t care how it makes her look? Wow. I just don’t get it. I feel embarrassed for her. This is just one person I can’t figure out…and it’s not because she is too complex…she just escapes the definition of ‘normal’.

She won’t be getting a reference letter. My husband has no desire to compromise her career. He is above all of that. He would rather see her working, and supporting her child, than leeching off of us every month. He would rather see her time and brain power put towards a job, instead of left free to concoct more damage against us. He wants her to move on. He wants her to find a man. He wants her to divert her attention off of us, and to just move on with her life. He pays a cheque monthly to assist her with that. Hopefully it is just a matter of time before she ‘gets it’ that it is time to let go, and to move forward.

I’m mentally unstable, don’t you know…


The mistress is a liar

 

When it rains it pours. Nothing with this whore happens at a steady state. Instead, she prefers to operate in fits and spurts (I think we should accentuate the word FITS because she’s been having a lot of them). She will torment us for a while, her behaviour escalating to a fever pitch, and then gradually die off, not to be heard from for months. I have to admit, her silence was a nice holiday from this trauma, but like all voracious diseases…she’s back!

I posted about how she wants a reference for work. The lawyer who settled the family court issue had been receiving emails from her stating that she wished to receive an employment reference after all that she has done.

To read her antics, or some of them at least:

https://rescuingmymarriage.wordpress.com/2012/01/11/when-the-smoke-blows-in-your-face-it-rarely-tastes-good/

https://rescuingmymarriage.wordpress.com/2012/01/12/when-things-dont-go-as-planned-scream-rape/

https://rescuingmymarriage.wordpress.com/2011/09/09/loopy-with-a-side-of-crazy-i-want-my-life-back/

https://rescuingmymarriage.wordpress.com/2011/05/25/all-aboard-the-crazy-train/

https://rescuingmymarriage.wordpress.com/2011/03/30/stalking-slander-and-surreptitiousness/

The employment lawyer told her to take a hike, that this isn’t her domain, and to contact the lawyer who dealt with the false employment law case she’d launched when she claimed she was wrongfully dismissed by my husband in the wake of her threatening to ruin his reputation, and his family. She contacted the lawyer with the most pathetic email I think I have read to date. Such desperation, such lies, such obvious torment that she is going through. I *almost* felt bad for her.

Apparently, she is feeling worried that she won’t get this job that she has applied for. Suffice it so say that she admits lying on the application and telling them that the reason she left my husband’s employ was due to a tough pregnancy, and the reason she didn’t return after her pregnancy was because SHE made the choice to focus on her studies – but that is a whole other issue. Hey whore, tell them you were fired, tell them why, and no…he doesn’t want to hire your sorry as back as you claim, because no, he doesn’t think you are awesome as you apparently like to tout that you are, and no, he will NOT lie to support your false application.

I digress…

She received a reference letter in the weeks following her dismissal with a fair chunk of money to offset the 2 weeks notice she did not get. She has the letter in her possession, and I would be surprised if she has ‘lost’ it. I suspect that her worry is more that the employer will want to follow up by phone with her last known employer, and he will be asked to validate the reference letter. She can’t control what he says, and is worried that she will be exposed. So, she says to the lawyer in her email:

I believe my email is self explanatory. I understand (my husband) has received it and it is up to him to choose if he will provide an excellent job reference for me (which his words in thousands of emails, text messages & videos support) or he can defame and slander my professional reputation.

What, you mean like you have tried to do to him many many times already? He has no interest in slandering you sweetheart, he wants you to get a job and stop living off of us.

May I remind you that details of our affair, (husband’s) self admitted alcoholism, the [human rights complaint] against (husband) , his years of violent, misogynistic & sexually deviant behaviours towards myself and his daughter, his detailed discussions of Mrs X’s mental illness, sexual inadequacies, cosmetic surgeries, etc, …was not confidential information prior to January 2012. In fact his years of divulging information via his multiple social media accounts online very much support the above mentioned issues.

Did you know that I am mentally unstable? Apparently, according to her email, I am. I have a mental illness, and I am sexually inadequate. I should get a T-shirt made with that emblazoned on the front. She claims my husband, who hasn’t spoken a word to her since March 20th, 2012, and who has NEVER seen the child he fathered has been violent and sexually deviant towards her and the mistress? Really? In what universe? Her threat at the end that the above mentioned information was “known” (even though it is false) prior to January 2012 is simply her way of saying that she has the right to discuss it publicly, and she will, if she doesn’t get what she wants. Her court ordered custody agreement states that she cannot speak of the relationship to any third party, or speak negatively of my husband or his family, but her assumption is that because I’ve apparently been unstable, and my husband has been a sexually deviant alcoholic since BEFORE her mouth was shackled by an agreement, that is fair game to talk about, and she will, if pushed.

This is how she operates, with threats and manipulation. And I am the one who is mentally ill because I am trying to save our marriage? I love how I get dragged into her ridiculous rants. It is so glaringly obvious that she is jealous of our life, of the fact that my husband didn’t leave me, and that we have a lovely life together that she just wants a piece of. How pathetic can a human being be reduced to? She is obviously under a lot of stress lately and this is just her acting out…like a child does, when they don’t have the adult means to cope with their feelings in constructive ways. Someone needs a “time out”.

 

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An affair in the making


Man and woman starting an affair

Casual business lunch, or something more?

 

This past week was my birthday. Well, ok, not the ENTIRE week, but one day out of it 🙂

My husband and I went for lunch at a swanky sushi bar downtown where the tables are packed in together like sardines (I am not sure why the swankier the spot, the more crammed the patrons need to be, but that is not for discussion here). The people to our right and left were so close to us, that we might as well be seated at the same table. In fact, had I extended either arm straight out to the side, chances are I would have been inappropriate.

As we sat together, we became aware of a couple to my right (his left) who were dining together. Both were of average height with slim builds. He was dark haired with brown eyes and she was blonde with green eyes. She was facing me, so I had a better glimpse of her. She was thin, athletic, lean and tall. She wore 3-inch heels and a grey dress which hugged her curves tightly. Both had on wedding rings, and both were speaking very animatedly about their work, which I gathered must have been in the same industry or even the same office, as they seemed to familiar with each others’ scenarios and key players. Now, I didn’t mean to listen, but really….we were sitting so close, we may as well have been at the same table, and it was impossible not to catch snippets of their conversation as they lunched.

And then he said it. You know, that one little thing that someone has to say that steers your perception in a totally different direction, and suddenly makes you aware that what you thought was the picture, wasn’t the picture at all? Yes, that thing. He said, ‘My wife doesn’t know how to _______”, and for the life of me, I can’t remember what that something was, but I remember it not being something terribly complex, and the way he said it had an insulting tone to it, as if to say “can you believe it? My wife can’t even ______”. He’d set the stage, he’d put down his wife in front of another woman, and then waited for her to make her move in the game. Would she also admit to not being able to do that thing? Would she normalize that for the husband, making him realize that his wife isn’t the odd one out, and that others also share this inability? Of course not. She immediately leaned in, and started talking about her proficiency in that area, expressing subtle surprise while trying to appear non-judgemental about the fact that his wife now has a one-down.

This, dear readers, was an affair in the making, and we were there to witness it. Two people of the opposite sex, taking time out of their busy downtown jobs in the financial sector to casually have lunch together. Was this a business meeting? Didn’t sound like it. It was far too playful, and a little too personal to be a business lunch. They sat across from one another, playfully talking about their likes, their friends, the activities they like to do in their spare time…it was kind of like speed-dating….except the two of them are married – not to each other.

Several times during the lunch, the man referred to his wife. He would start sentences with “My wife will sometimes….”, and “I told my wife the other day”… Now, to the untrained eye/ear (or to the person who has not been touched by an affair), this might seem like an affair-proofing maneuver to mention the wife often in conversation, but those of us who have been there will know better. He worked his wife into the conversation several times, mentioning her here and there and peppering her name into the topic of the moment. What he was doing, ladies and gentlemen, was testing the waters with the mistress-to-be. He mentions the wife, talks about her, references their activities together like dangling a bait over the mistress head, waiting to see if despite his obvious relationship status which he’s placed out there in the open, whether she will still find the bait attractive and take a nibble. She bit. Despite hearing that he is married, and hearing about the wife, this other woman continued to use body language to signal her interest. She was playing with her hair, touching her neck, talking playfully, and leaning into the table. She would counter everything he would say with some quip of her own, and the two of them agreed with very word the other said. It was like a dance that read like:

Him: I have a wife you know

Her: That sounds great, but are you happy?

Him: I’ve been married for 6 years and we have a two year old son.

Her: I am sure he is adorable, and I can’t wait to meet your son

Him: My wife and I don’t agree about _____

Her: I totally agree with you, you are so right! My feelings on this other matter are ______

Him: I can TOTALLY see why you feel that way, I feel that way too! Look how much we have in common!”

Her: I know, I am a real catch you know, and you’d be so much happier with me

Him: I wish my wife felt that way

Her: Well, we can’t all be perfect like me, you know (squeals of laughter while touching her neck…)

So now she knows he is married, and it doesn’t seem to faze her. He’s put it out there, and she has signalled to him that it doesn’t matter. Mentioning his wife so often in conversation is just a way of saying “hey, let’s be real here. I am married. You know I am married. I am interested in you. We are both going forward here with full knowledge that I am married, and I have no plans to NOT be married or leave my wife, but I am very interested in you, so what do you say?”. When she counters with body language and compliments, she is telling him “look, I know you are married, you’ve mentioned it several times, and yet I am still flirting with you, and signalling to you that you are attractive to me, so obviously your marital status need not play a role in OUR relationship…I’m ok with it”.

We sat there, quietly sharing our thoughts on this conversation. From time to time, I would raise my eyebrows in surprise, and my husband would shake his head. At one point, my husband whispered under his breath “It’s not worth it”. I was so tempted to lean over to the two of them, excuse myself for prying, and then tell them both that it isn’t worth it. The pain that they are going to cause their spouses, their families and HIS child would be enormous. I saw myself tapping him on the shoulder and revealing that my husband had had an affair, and then letting him know to please reconsider. I saw myself doing it, but couldn’t bring myself to actually do it. I can’t save the world, but I did really want to save these two marriages a I bore witness to them on a track to unraveling. “How can I sit here, aware of something that they both are blind to right now since they haven’t seen the ending to this movie, and say/do nothing?”. Let’s face it though, it isn’t my place to approach a random stranger at a restaurant and tell them how to live their life. I just wanted to save someone some pain, but I realize that what is going to happen, is going to happen, and I can only hope that they make the right choices. I also know that while we were sitting there at that restaurant, hundreds of other ‘business lunches’ were going on across the city which weren’t business lunches at all. You can’t save the world.

Never having had an affair, I have to admit that it was interesting to bear witness to the beginning stages of an illicit relationship, to watch the flirtation, and to see the game being played. It is only with these experienced eyes that I am able to decode the true intention behind the behaviours that we witnessed at the table that day. Three years ago, I would have assumed they were on a business date, and thought of how wonderful it is that they get along so well, and seem to have a great working relationship. I am no longer naive. Now, I just know that he wants to get a little on the side, and hopes that his wife won’t ever find out, and that she will be up for it. I hope his wife is strong enough to handle the pain that is coming her way. She’ll need all the strength she can muster. I also hope the woman doesn’t end up getting attached and falling in love with him, thereby turning into a psycho when the man tells her he has no intention of leaving his family…cause that can happen you know.

 

 

Fuck you…Oh, can I get a reference?


For those who have been following and know the story, bless you for having read so much, and remaining on the crazy-train. For those who are new, or who haven’t combed through the archives of this blog to see the hell that the psycho mistress has tried to put our family through, I will give you a little synopsis so that this post makes sense.

My husband had an affair with a woman he worked with. She was his only employee, and at the time, he was grateful for the help. They started seeing one another before she came to work for him, and when he asked her to just be friends and stop the relationship, she claimed to be OK with it, and came to work for him under the understanding that they would remain only friends. That didn’t last long, and before you know it, she was asking him to stay late after work, making threats if he didn’t spend time with her or show her the affection she wanted. On the nights he would leave directly from work, she would text all night long threatening to tell me, to ruin him, to scream rape and cost him his career. As she gradually wanted more of a relationship than she was getting (she was getting screwed on office furniture and I guess she wanted a real date with a meal), she started to threaten more and more, and insinuate that perhaps he should tell me, so that he can stop living a lie. Obviously, she’d hoped to horn in on our lives, and hoped that upon learning of his transgressions, that I would kick him out, freeing him up for her. Well, I didn’t. She became infuriated, started emailing everyone we knew about the affair, including my husband’s work colleagues and my parents. She started threatening to tell others whose influence were higher on the chain, hoping that it would cost him his reputation. She was fired for this misconduct and for using work-related contacts which were privacy restricted for non-work-use, she was fired, and offered a significant amount of pay in exchange for notice, along with a reference letter to just get her out of his hair. Oh, in case you didn’t know, she was also 7 weeks pregnant and threatening to keep the baby unless he left me and our three children. He didn’t leave. She had the baby. We pay her child support every month, and my husband has no desire to see or know the child.

In the aftermath of the disclosure, in an effort to cause us greater harm, she launched a lawsuit accusing my husband of having fired her for being pregnant. Now, we all know that wasn’t why she was fired, but she figured she could claim that, and possibly win some money. She simultaneously launched a human rights tribunal action, citing discrimination for having been terminated for being pregnant. Although the two claims are similar, one is clearly a human rights/discrimination angle, and the other is an employment standards case for wrongful termination. In her Human Rights complaint, she goes into grossly fabricated detail about how she was sexually assaulted by my husband, raped, used and abused, and then threatened with job loss if she didn’t perform certain sexual acts. Her stories read like a bad made-for-TV miniseries. The way he ‘threw her to the ground’, ‘commanded her to perform oral sex at his desk’, ‘finished with her, and then threw her to the floor and told her she was a slut and then spit on her’….yeah, ok, cause THAT really happened. NOT. Anyone who knows my husband would find her script completely out of character, but it was coloured in the most maligning way possible, to cost him his career and make him suffer.

Fast forward two years. The lawsuit has been settled (we paid her even more money to just go away and drop it already), and this week, an email crossed my husband’s desk that she is looking for a job, and hopes for a reference letter. Are you fucking kidding me? She wants a letter of reference? What is he supposed to say, she sued me for fabricated scenarios, cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees, threatened my family, stalked my wife, called the police on my wife with false claims that my wife was hunting her down, but other than that she is a dedicated and hard worker and you’d be pleased to have the likes of her in YOUR office??? Really?

Her email reads (names have been removed for privacy):

In court in January 2012 you agreed we would discuss my job reference from (husband) at a later date. That date is here… I have been offered a position…Should my potential employer call for a job reference from(my husband) I have explained that my reason for leaving (husband’s company) in march2010 was due to a very physically difficult pregnancy (ummm no, it was because your sorry ass was fired due to your behaviour and threatening your employer and his family), I was placed onbedrest for most of my pregnancy & understandably unable to work (but not so bedridden that you couldn’t harass, stalk, fabricate false lawsuits…). Oncemy maternity leave was completed in September 2011, I chose to focus onmy studies full time and focus on completing my degree (Read: I chose to remain unemployed because my child support cheque gives me more money per month than I was ever making in my job, so why work?). This is thereason I did not return to working at (husband’s workplace) upon completion of my mat leave. Although he would have gladly taken me back (Are you for real??!?!?) as he has stated in thousands of emails, text messages and videos (no videos….but he had told her that she was a good employee from time to time and how grateful he was to have her in his employ), I am an excellent employee. I certainly hope (my husband’s) job reference for me will reflect those thousands of sentiments, that I excel in my role, and he give me an excellent reference and recommendation to any employer. Should he need documentation to jog his memory of his positive statements regarding my excellent skills I would be happy to forward the thousands of emails, text messages and videos for his review. There is of course additional extraneous information in these videos which I’m sure he wishes to keep confidential (there are no videos, but I find it funny that she would fabricate the existence of a video in which my husband simultaneously engages in sexual behavior with her while simultaneously vocalizing that she is a stellar employee at the same time…nice video if it actually exiated) between him and myself (and anyone who viewed them prior to Jan 2012), however I would be happy to provide him with these if he wishes. The other people who provide job references for me are people whom (my husband) interacts with regularly (you can only get a job reference from an employer you freaking idiot, and no one that you had in common can write you a reference letter…and the people you knew in common due to your role are the I.T person, the telephone technician, and perhaps the guy who delivered the mail???!? were THEY giving you reference letters about how great of an employee they think you MAY have been (they wouldn’t know), or were you fucking them too and that is the reference they can provide?!?), as I’m sure he is aware (my husband) and I have many, many mutual associates (no they don’t). All of these people will provide an excellent reference for me (you weren’t employed by any of them you dumb fuck)utilizing the aforementioned reasons for leaving employment with(husband). They have all expressed a desire for (husband) to also provide the same excellent reference and reason for leaving (they have all expressed a desire for him to write you a reference letter? Really? These fictitious people care THAT much about you?). Employment for me will ultimately benefit his daughter (name withheld), whose best interests are paramount. Please let me remind you that prior to January 2012 all information about (our) relationship with me, and our daughter was not confidential, hence the knowledge of the above parties of the situation (because she sent everyone she knows details about it in an effort to slander my husband).
Please tell me she isn’t this stupid….oh wait, yes she is. Here, let me sue you, cost you thousands of dollars, nickel and dime you for child support when I am making triple what most single mothers get in support, and oh, by the way, can you give me a really nice reference letter? This, people, is the moron we are dealing with. Someone oughta take her out back and shoot her. The average intelligence of the planet would rise ever so slightly.

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My husband fucked a moron…I hope it isn’t contagious


My husband’s ex-mistress is a moron.  I used to say that out of sheer anger and hatred for what her actions had brought into my family, and her ongoing harassment and downright cruel actions.  Now, I say it because I have proof, and while it used to make me angry, it now kind of makes me laugh.

(I am actually proud of myself.  I no longer get all worked up like I used to, and can now shrug most of these things off, and then carry on, forgetting about them moments later, and not having them penetrate my day, so…yay me.)

For those who have followed the story, or even for those that haven’t but who are aware of how child support payments work, the saga continues.  My husband has a court-ordered child support obligation to the child he fathered with the ho-bag.  Child support pays for the bare necessities of life: clothes on your back, food in your tummy, and a roof over your head.  Beyond these expenses are additional expenses which are split between the parents, the proportionate share being determined by the disparity in their incomes. Daycare, for one thing, is not paid from the child support, it is an additional expense.  Piano lessons, ballet, camp….those are additional expenses that the parents share, and our share of those is 95%…why 95?  Because she has no job, and gets free money so why work?

Despite the fact that she doesn’t have a job, she has put her unwanted child in daycare two days a week, then recently increased that to three, and now wants to increase it to five.  Can you say “I don’t want this kid, how can I get rid of it?”.  Hmmm I guess my husband suggestion to not have the child because it is a LOT of work is finally sinking in, but it is too late.  You’re a mommy and don’t want to be?  Oh waaaaaahhh…boo hoo.   So now, wanting to put this child into 5 days a week daycare, she needs to come up with proof that she is either in school or working 5 days per week in order to necessitate daycare 5 days per week.  So far, she has been unable to provide any documentation. But, she did have a lot of fun over the past few weeks sending our lawyer emails where she tries to sound like a lawyer, saying things like “your client isn’t paying his portion of the daycare, and they are not being paid”, and “your client has failed to honor the court order by providing his tax returns for our assessment”, and “when is your client going to obey the order of the court? Further non-compliance by your client will result in additional court appearances, and I wish to warn you that I will be seeking costs….”  OK little miss lawyer-wannabe…back in the dirty corner of your trailer you go.

First of all, her daycare costs ARE being covered, for the previous amount of days agreed upon for which she was able to provide documentation.  Since increasing her days, she has been unable to provide such documentation, and therefore, we have not been asked to increase our amount.  Until she can prove that it is NEEDED, she foots the cost, but no, she is too cheap, so she is letting the daycare run at a loss, hoping that my husband will pay it.  But, why should he?   He isn’t here to simply foot the bill for her desires and wishes, just cause she needs a day off of parenting.  Give me a break!  And the holier than thou attitude to the lawyer?  Give me a second break. Ridiculous.

Secondly, his tax returns were submitted on time, to our lawyer.  She hasn’t received them because she no longer has a lawyer.  Without a lawyer to send the details to, our lawyer is holding onto the details, but they WERE submitted as needed.  Now, it bears mentioning that the details of his income aren’t under review until October, so seeing them now simply gives her a glimpse into the candy dish she is pulling from next year.  Did his income go up?  By how much?  Does this mean I can get a new car now?   Blech.

She is just mentally challenged.  Truthfully, what kind of moron sends wannabe-intimidating emails to a professional lawyer, making accusations that our side isn’t honouring their commitment, when it is HER who has failed to show justification for needing the daycare, and unit she does, we ought do NOTHING, so we are completely in the right waiting for her to show her need.  We don’t just dole out free money, nor should we.  (I use the words ‘we’, but am perfectly aware that these are my husband’s costs and burden and not mine….I simply support him emotionally, so I use the word ‘we’, and ‘our’).  The best part was when she received an auto-reply from the lawyer that she was away on vacation, and would return July 16th. Moron emails her back and tells her that these matters are urgent, and that her ‘vacation is irrelevant’.   What kind of creature tells a hard working professional that they don’t deserve to be on vacation and it is irrelevant because SHE wants money?  Holy ballsy….or just plain stupid – you tell me.

So now the lawyer is back from vacation, and has told her in no uncertain terms that she is to communicate only through a lawyer on her side.  She refuses to communicate with her directly.  I agree, why would she want all of her unfiltered garbage?  At least a lawyer on her side, with any smarts, would be able to filter her shit before it came down the line, saying things like: “you can’t make a request like that’, or “that isn’t legally prescribed’, or “what the hell are you smoking??”, preventing 90% of what she thinks and ponders from ever reaching us.  As funny as her crap is, personally, we just enjoy living like better when she isn’t a part of it.  The sad part for her is that I think her lawyer finally had enough of her and fired her.  After his December payout from her settlement, he’s had enough.  He did, at one time early on in our process, confide in our lawyer that he wants nothing to do with her…gee, I wonder why.

I hope dumb doesn’t rub off, otherwise my husband’s thinking brain is going to suffer irreparable brain damage from exposure to mistressosis stupidialis.

A mistress’ irony


My husband’s mistress desperately wanted him to tell me about the affair.  She wanted him to disclose anything.  She was no longer satisfied living in my shadow, playing second fiddle to the woman in his life, and getting his company in small doses, when he could sneak away.  She started asking him to do more things with her outside of the fucking they’d become accustomed to.  She now wanted lunches, dinners, etc.  She wanted what she thought equated to a ‘regular relationship’, and started referring to herself as his “girlfriend” (not withstanding my argument that a married man can’t be demoted to boyfriend status once he marries).  But I digress…

So she wanted him to tell me.  She started threatening to tell me herself, and even went so far as to let certain emails and text messages slip to me, knowing that their abstract content would cause me to approach my husband and ask “what the heck does THIS mean”, raising alarm bells in his head that she was not only capable of ruining his life and marriage – she was eager and willing.

Her repeated and more frequent requests for him to “stop living a lie”, were obviously intended to drop a bomb in my lap, and force me to make a decision.  She likely hoped that I would be devastated (I was), ask him to pack his bags, and relinquish him from my grasp for him to scoop up before he’d even hit the pavement.  She was probably convinced that I’d leave him…and leave him to her.  The funny thing is that he told her dozens of times that if he wasn’t with his wife anymore that it didn’t mean that he would be with her.  She refused to believe that, and instead continued forward with her aggressive requests that I be told the truth.

What I find interesting in all of this, is that the moment I was made aware of the affair, and she KNEW that I knew, things took an interesting turn.  When she learned that I hadn’t kicked him out, she suddenly became angry with ME, and took out all of her rage and hostility on me.  She sent me nasty emails , laughed at me, degraded me, abused and decimated what was left of my self esteem.  Why was she angry with me?  How could she be angry with ME for choosing to fight for and keep what is rightfully mine?  Would you berate someone for protecting their home or property?  Their children?  Their job?  We protect what we value, and I was protecting my family and my home, but for that I deserved her retaliation?  Why?

Obviously she was insanely jealous of what I/we have, and had not been successful in taking away my husband.  She felt she had lost, and I was to blame.  My grasp on him was stronger, my influence larger….I don’t know how she saw it, but the reason she had lost couldn’t possibly have had anything to do with my husband’s choice to no longer be involved with her, but was somehow MY fault.  I guess in her mind, when I didn’t know, things were going swimmingly, and since things changed only once I’d found out, the cause for their relationship ending must have been because of me.

Isn’t it ironic that the mistress can so desperately want to hold on to a man that she will claw the eyes out of a woman, verbally and mentally abuse her, harass and torture her…and she feels justified because somehow the wife is stealing *HER* man when she demands her husband back?  But when a wife fights to protect her marriage, and fights aggressively to protect a relationship that has existed longer, is built on more, and is legally recognized she is vilified for protecting it, and told that her anger is ‘over-the-top’?   If she is so hurt and desperate to cling on to what she believes is hers, why can she not see that I would do the same?  The mistress feels jealous that the wife is ‘taking her man’, and yet felt very justified in doing that very thing to the innocent wife without a second thought.  Interesting double standard there.  The mistress can’t tolerate the man fleeing into the arms of another.  She sees that and feels excruciating pain and jealousy, hurt and despair….and yet had no problem doing that to someone else.  Funny how different rules are written for different people.

Jealous mistress

I find it interesting, in light of all that has happened, and the mistress’ reactions to me, to my husband, and to our decision to stay together, that she is unable to relate to why I would want to hold onto him, and why I would have such strong reactions to her taking him from me when she herself was desperately trying to do the same thing in reverse?

Funny how a mistress wouldn’t tolerate anyone else stepping in on her relationship, but it’s fine when she does it.  Sounds like someone’s sandbox rules are fucked up.

She hates me cause I stole her man?  Wait…wasn’t she trying to steal mine?  She has no reason to hate me.

“The mistress doesn’t owe the wife anything”


I hear it time and time again. People who defend the rights of the mistress to sleep with whomever she pleases, that it is her right to foster a relationship with anyone she wants, and then say “the mistress doesn’t owe the wife anything…it’s the husband who is breaking the vows so he is the one at fault. The mistress has no contract with the wife”.

I suppose in a twisted way, I could see this point, but for the sake of discussion, let’s say for a moment that Susan is married to Tom. Susan discovers that Tom has been having an affair with Susan’s best friend Lisa. Does Susan have a right to be angry at Lisa for sleeping with her husband? Can Susan hold Lisa partially at fault? If yes, why? If no, why not? Does Lisa owe her friend Susan anything, or does she have a right to sleep with her husband if she wants to?

I guess the way I see it, If I’d been asked 5 years ago, does Lisa owe Susan anything, my response would have been “yes, Lisa owes Susan a big apology”. All things aside, does The fact that Lisa is a friend to Susan mean that on some level she owes her more than a stranger should? Does her friendship status require her to be more compassionate, more honest, more trustworthy? Does it require that she be less sneaky, less deceptive, less deceitful? Why?

Why should Lisa being a friend to Susan make a difference when the same act was committed? Why do our jaws drop when we learn it was a friend, or a sibling, or a neighbor, but not a complete stranger? Is it because the degree of proximity that a person has to the betrayed spouse dictates that a higher level of compassion and care be exercised, or that they be more worthy of trust?

My answer would have been that yes, because Lisa is a friend to Susan, a certain level of compassion should exist that should inhibit Lisa from desecrating Susan’s boundaries of her friend and hurting someone who trusts her. Because she is her friend, she should care about not causing her harm, not destroying her family, and wanting instead to protect what rightfully belongs to her friend. No?

So then it gets me thinking: why should friendship or proximity to others be the only reason we do the right thing, the only reason we show compassion to another, the only reason we respect someone else’s marriage and strive to protect it, the only reason we give a shit about someone else feelings, their lives, their families? Aren’t we ALL called to act compassionately to others, to avoid harm, and to be humane? Why does being someone’s friend change the landscape?

I fully believe that any woman who knowingly involves herself with a married man is desecrating the sacred marital ground of another. That doesn’t absolve the married man, – don’t get me wrong – they are both doing something abhorrent that violates another, and he is the one violating vows, but if a woman knows that a man is married, is it too much to expect that she will show respect to the bonds of matrimony that you have entered into, and not contribute to a man violating his wife, their vows, and their lives? After all, when we walk through a museum, and see the sign that says “please do not touch the artwork”, do we touch anyway, even though we were asked to respect the work and not contribute to its degradation by touching it, simply because our needs come first, and we’re selfish assholes? Are we entitled to do as we please just cause we want to?

So I pose the question…what does the mistress owe the wife when she knows that a man is married?

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