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Naive


This morning I woke up to find an email in my inbox telling me that a comment had been made to my blog. I read it. It was on this post https://rescuingmymarriage.wordpress.com/2012/04/04/pregnancy-marriage/

It’s funny how someone could read this blog, and still assume that my husband had an affair because of something *I* lack. She makes the false assumption that I failed as a wife, and my husband wasn’t happy. It always strikes me as interesting how anyone who knows anything about affairs could ever think such a thing. Marital issues are not affair issues. We’ve always had a happy marriage, and anyone who can’t see how the two can happen together (affair and happy marriage) need to read the entire blog start to finish. This person is obviously someone’s mistress, or has compassion for women who target married men. Funny….she sounds a lot like the whore my husband regrets fucking. Hmmmmm….

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Comments

  1. Holy cow, I just sort of skimmed the comments by “youngsub”. I may have missed if it was explicitly exposed (since I only skimmed) but I’m guessing the “sub” part of the name means she’s a “submissive”. This is also sometimes called being a “bottom.” It indicates that she is most likely involved or interested in relationships in which she is dominated. Her involvement with Domination and submission (D/s) suggests that she would allow a sexual partner to do anything he wants with her, acting out practically any fantasy as long as she is the one who is dominated. I suspect it would be very easy for a “young” “sub” to seduce a middle aged (midlife crisis) man into that world — pure fantasy. However, she is completely WRONG to do so. D/s REQUIRES complete trust. Sex with a married man who is cheating on his wife is not a TRUSTFUL act. There are people who practice D/s who are completely faithful, they just play out fantasies with each other and WITH the permission of all partners (if extra partners are included). Since she is young, she most likly does not have a full understanding of how destructive she is being and she’s not even close to being a TRUE submissive. She’s an aberration. A TRUE submissive she is not.

    • Susan, very good points. I agree. Youngsub91 is only 20 and has gotten herself involved with an older man who actually has a deep personal problem. His serial cheating is a symptom or distraction from that problem. Youngsub91 is really in a situation where she’s going to get hurt and others will be hurt (like the wife of that man, and more people to come).

  2. You can’t fix stupid .

  3. lamehousewife says:

    unbelievable!

  4. I wondered if that commenter somehow was confused between your situation and the young lady who was seeing a married man who posted on that thread. It read like the commenter had bits of both situations in her head.

    • You’re right, I suppose she could have been responding to youngsub and not me. Comments in my inbox don’t show the comments before it to give me context, they just come as they are. If I jumped the gun, and misread, then I apologize, but when starr says “what if he does get her pregnant” she is talking about my husband, no? She is talking to a woman with a husband, not a submission slave. Regardless, making comments that men stray because their wives have fallen short…it’s ludicrous. It’s obviously someone who hasn’t seem both sides of the fence, and is making comments that only further her twisted viewpoints. Anyone who thinks that wives *cause* affairs to happen are mistaken. If I’d asked him to find a trailer trash whore, introduced them, stripped them
      Down and forced them to have sex, then their affair would be my fault. My husband and I were happy. We were having regular sex, intimate conversation. The issues at the time for us were a new baby, a career change for my husband and my husband’s loss of connection from his father – issues which caused stress to my husband and had him seeking escape. I didn’t have all the time to dedicate to *us* because I still had a baby keeping me up 3-4 times a night and a business to run that I operate solely. Was I responsible for his affair? No. They were. He and her together.

      To touch on Starr’s point, do I not hold my has been responsible, and only blink his mistress? Absolutely not. It takes two people to make a poor decision, anywhere both equally to blame. However, he has made amends with me. He has apologized for his actions, see the errors of his ways. He has big for my forgiveness, and show me to action, word, deed etc. He is truly sorry. Her on the other hand, she has harassed me, degraded me, betrayed my trust, humiliated me, called the police on me with false information, terrorize me, stopped me… In fact if she were to be in front of me right now, I guarantee she would take a shot in my self-esteem is left in my face. That kind of person doesn’t deserve to be forgiven. My husband on the other hand, has shown me that he does deserve to be forgiven, and hence the only person remaining as an ass in all of this is her.

      • I totally agree that the wife is not to blame. A Husband takes a vow. If he had problems, he should have some to you first to discuss.

  5. I’m going to chip in here. Okay, Youngsub91 has caught my attention. She is an aberration in what she’s doing as a Sub in her *bondage domination sado-machoistic* dealings with this married man. And yes, there are Subs and Doms who have clearly stated that they’re exclusive to each other as monogamous. And if any couple decides to sexually include another person or two, they would both talk to each other about it and both consent to it. This married man Youngsub91 is being a Submissive to is not in an open marriage. This married man is a serial cheater, and that cheating is a big red flag that he has a deep personal problem. The guy obviously isn’t mature enough to confront and resolve this personal problem. He’s instead serially cheating as a distraction from it.

  6. Michele says:

    I find your blog interesting. You are 100% willing to blame the mistress, your husband, your friends (in one of your posts you talk about how many of your friends disappointed and abandoned you) but you – yourself are 100% blameless. You are the victim. You were the perfect wife whose husband was lured away by the evil adulteress. Your husband is now perfect as he has 100% told you the truth. You had a lawyer refuse to represent you? Don’t you think that might raise a red flag that you are a little bit over the top?

    I do understand that this is your blog and as such you are entitled to write whatever you want and I am only a guest here but you claim you want to allow a place for all people to respectfully post their views yet you refuse to give any weight to a view that differs from your own. An example of this is that Youngsub91 stated that as a single person she has the right to date anyone she wants. She has no legal or moral obligation to anyone yet you hold her responsible for dating a married man. Why? She doesn’t owe his wife anything. You really think that men are so stupid that they need others to force them into responsible behavior? Is the bartender responsible for the alcoholic taking that drink and stepping off the wagon? Is the casino responsible for the gambling addict?

    Please understand that I am not defending anyone but everyone has a right to their opinion and you seem unable to see any other point of view but your own. You respond to many comments pointing out that their cheating husbands are still keeping secrets every time reminding us that your husband told you everything. Why? Is it to make you feel better and others worse about their own struggles?

    You want women to have each other’s backs yet you freely call women skanks, sluts, whores etc. on this blog. Is that having another women’s back?

    I guess my point is this – the world is not so black and white. They are many grey areas and good people make mistakes (as you can attest to as I know you believe your husband is a good man who made a mistake). In most of what you write you sound really bitter and angry and many times you have a superior than thou attitude – Is that who you are? Maybe? Do you have the right to feel superior because of what you went through? Maybe but everyone has their own shit and most people are just trying to do the best they can with what they were given.

    • Michele,

      I appreciate your viewpoints, although as I am sure you can forecast, I am not going to agree with you.

      I don’t *blame* my friends for my husband’s affair. I do, however, point out that as a result of the trauma that came from the affair, and the aftermath, that some of my friends were no longer able to be friends with us, as it was too hard for them to look past what he did. In another case, another friend was unable to listen to the ongoing sagas that seemed to be coming one after another, after another, and distanced herself from what she probably perceived as “too much drama”. Everyone follows their own path, and not all friends were fit to remain on my path, once the affair caused it to deviate. Am I blameless for my husband’s affair? Absolutely. Did I ask him to have one? Did I lead him towards another woman? Did I suggest that he might want to take a mistress to help deal with the personal pains he was going through at the time? No. The decision to have an affair was HIS and HIS ALONE. He had alternative options available (counselling for his stress and family issues with his father, talking to me more openly about his worries and career stress, attending counselling together…), and he chose an affair. He regrets that deeply now, and would handle things in a much different way, should those vulnerabilities ever come up again.

      What you need to realize, perhaps, is that marital issues and affairs are separate issues, and are mutually exclusive. A betrayed spouse doesn’t CAUSE an affair. I had no part in my husband’s affair. In fact, had I had a role in it, I probably would have advised against it. I would like to share a quote taken from a page from a wise woman who survived her husband’s infidelity and who has come to be a great mentor and friend to my husband and I. Anne Bercht writes:

      To every betrayed spouse: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE AFFAIR

      To every unfaithful spouse: YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR AFFAIR

      I am often asked when I appear on television talk shows, “Do you accept responsibility for your part in Brian’s affair? I answer, “I didn’t have a part in Brian’s affair, and if I would’ve been given a part I would’ve voted “no, let’s not do it.”

      When I stand before God to give an account for my life, one question God will not be asking me is “Anne, why did you make Brian have an affair?”

      I will, however, give an account for ways that I may have failed Brian in the marriage, but these things did not cause the affair.

      For every marriage where we discover problems where there has been an affair, I can point to other marriages with worse problems where there has not been an affair. PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGE DOES NOT LEAD TO AFFAIRS. I’m appalled that I must state the obvious, but there are actually healthy ways to deal with problems in marriage!

      If you are interested in reading more about her thoughts on the separation between marital issues and affairs, I would encourage you to take a look here:

      If issues in a marriage cause an affair, why is it that some marriages can be far worse off, far uglier, and far more toxic than the next, and yet never suffer an affair? Marital issues and problems are one thing, the decision to have an affair is a separate issue. Often in an attempt to make sense of the affair, people combine the two, looking for a reason to justify the affair or make sense of it. “The marriage must have been poor”, “She must not have been good in bed”, “perhaps she’d gained too much weight”, “she wasn’t a good listener”, and if you’ve ever looked to those, you are looking in the wrong place. The root of the affair lies within the psyche of the one who strayed, because s/her had a choice, and did something destructive.

      Did I have a perfect marriage? No. Was I always a great listener? No. Did I always cook home cooked meals and have them waiting when he gets home? No. Did I pay enough attention to him? Not always. Did I make an effort to boost his self esteem regularly? No. Were there times when I could have done better as a wife and friend? Absolutely. We both could have. Why? Because we aren’t perfect, and marriages aren’t perfect. But just because I wasn’t always perfect, did that entitle my husband to betray me and decimate our wedding vows? Did it give him permission to sleep with another woman and impregnate her by mistake? No. The decision to embark into an affair was his, and his alone, and would have happened regardless of anything *I* did, because the affair had nothing to do with me, and all to do with him, how he felt, how he coped (or lack thereof), and the right vulnerabilities and circumstances colliding. You can try to blame me if you want to, but that would be an unfortunately hurtful thing to do, and misguided given the volumes of research into affairs, and my personal experience which tells a different story. Don’t get me wrong, I used to blame myself entirely in the beginning, as I think most people do. It was after time, therapy and much tough talks with my husband that I realized that I was not to blame, and that is when the healing could begin.

      To address your comment that I think my husband is perfect, I think this blog is proof that he isn’t, but by the grace of God, he is trying 🙂

      A laywer didn’t refuse to represent me. I am not sure which context you are pulling that into, but it needs to go back into the context in which it belongs. My husband hired a lawyer to represent him against his mistress, and it was important that I was not taken on as a client as well. It was not my fight, and although it was suggested that we be listed together on the retainer agreement, that was later re-evaluated because it was felt that although our family was being terrorized and we were battling that trauma together, from a legal standpoint, the fight was not between me and the mistress, it was between them and I agreed. I wanted to support my husband, but I didn’t need to be listed in court documents in order to do that.

      YoungSub is free to do whatever she wants, but like anything, people are always going to have an opinion about it. No one can stop her from engaging in a relationship with a married man, but I do reserve the right to have an opinion, and my opinion is that her behaviour (and his) is hurtful to an innocent other who I am certain would not condone their actions. A sick woman with what sounds like a terminal (?) disease, is shacked up in bed while her husband takes a lover on the side? Does she deserve that? No. I think YoungSub could easily find someone single and available, someone to love her and care for her, but instead she chooses to find a married man…why, because she embraces polygamy? Does his wife embrace it? It isn’t fair to those who will be most hurt by their actions, and I don’t agree or condone her choice to engage in a relationship with another woman’s husband? Would you want your husband taking up with someone else? Would that be OK with you? Maybe it would…but it isn’t for me, and likely isn’t for the innocent wife who doesn’t have a say or a choice.

      You are right…mistresses don’t “owe” the wife anything, unless you think that people should just respect one another, respect their marriages, respect their property, respect their boundaries. If you don’t agree, then go rob a store, and take what you want without second thought to the damage you are causing and how many others will hurt because of your selfish choice. It is the same thing. As women, and as people, do we not respect each other enough to hold marriages as sacred, and not trespass? The husband has a choice but so does the mistress when she decides to lay down with a man who is married. He is vowed to someone else…and together they are sneaking around hoping to not get caught and knowing it’s wrong. They are both responsible for what they choose to do. The difference is simply that the law makes only the man legally responsible for the damages. If a friend helps another friend kill another over a disagreement, we would call that being an “accessory to a murder”. Can the one who helped defend himself saying “I don’t owe him anything. I don’t owe him any respect? My friend asked me to go along with it, and it sounded like fun, so I did”….we still call that a crime, just not when a marriage has been killed. If a woman knows a man is happily married with children, why not walk away? Why pursue and cause harm? They both know he is married…they are both assholes and should be held responsible for THEIR actions, not the betrayed wife though.

      I am not sure where I have anywhere told others who are hurting that their husbands are keeping secrets while asserting that my husband is perfect. I don’t see where I have written that anywhere. Feel free to link me to the page where you feel that was stated.

      I call the woman who tried to steal my husband a skunk, a slut and a whore. I don’t call ALL women that. I have the backs of all women who are deserving. This woman has proven herself to be far from deserving of any respect of mine, and that is that.

      For the record, I don’t feel superior. I feel bruised, battered, decimated, desecrated, taken advantage of, hurt, betrayed…but not superior. I am just a woman who had the unfortunate circumstance of learning of her husband’s affair, and who works tirelessly every day to recover from and heal. I am just a woman rescuing my marriage. It is a pity that you read ‘holier than thou’ into my posts. I simply write what I feel. Some days I felt badly, but lately I feel pretty good, and for that I am grateful. As you said, we are all just people doing the best with what we’ve got.

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