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A mistress’ irony


My husband’s mistress desperately wanted him to tell me about the affair.  She wanted him to disclose anything.  She was no longer satisfied living in my shadow, playing second fiddle to the woman in his life, and getting his company in small doses, when he could sneak away.  She started asking him to do more things with her outside of the fucking they’d become accustomed to.  She now wanted lunches, dinners, etc.  She wanted what she thought equated to a ‘regular relationship’, and started referring to herself as his “girlfriend” (not withstanding my argument that a married man can’t be demoted to boyfriend status once he marries).  But I digress…

So she wanted him to tell me.  She started threatening to tell me herself, and even went so far as to let certain emails and text messages slip to me, knowing that their abstract content would cause me to approach my husband and ask “what the heck does THIS mean”, raising alarm bells in his head that she was not only capable of ruining his life and marriage – she was eager and willing.

Her repeated and more frequent requests for him to “stop living a lie”, were obviously intended to drop a bomb in my lap, and force me to make a decision.  She likely hoped that I would be devastated (I was), ask him to pack his bags, and relinquish him from my grasp for him to scoop up before he’d even hit the pavement.  She was probably convinced that I’d leave him…and leave him to her.  The funny thing is that he told her dozens of times that if he wasn’t with his wife anymore that it didn’t mean that he would be with her.  She refused to believe that, and instead continued forward with her aggressive requests that I be told the truth.

What I find interesting in all of this, is that the moment I was made aware of the affair, and she KNEW that I knew, things took an interesting turn.  When she learned that I hadn’t kicked him out, she suddenly became angry with ME, and took out all of her rage and hostility on me.  She sent me nasty emails , laughed at me, degraded me, abused and decimated what was left of my self esteem.  Why was she angry with me?  How could she be angry with ME for choosing to fight for and keep what is rightfully mine?  Would you berate someone for protecting their home or property?  Their children?  Their job?  We protect what we value, and I was protecting my family and my home, but for that I deserved her retaliation?  Why?

Obviously she was insanely jealous of what I/we have, and had not been successful in taking away my husband.  She felt she had lost, and I was to blame.  My grasp on him was stronger, my influence larger….I don’t know how she saw it, but the reason she had lost couldn’t possibly have had anything to do with my husband’s choice to no longer be involved with her, but was somehow MY fault.  I guess in her mind, when I didn’t know, things were going swimmingly, and since things changed only once I’d found out, the cause for their relationship ending must have been because of me.

Isn’t it ironic that the mistress can so desperately want to hold on to a man that she will claw the eyes out of a woman, verbally and mentally abuse her, harass and torture her…and she feels justified because somehow the wife is stealing *HER* man when she demands her husband back?  But when a wife fights to protect her marriage, and fights aggressively to protect a relationship that has existed longer, is built on more, and is legally recognized she is vilified for protecting it, and told that her anger is ‘over-the-top’?   If she is so hurt and desperate to cling on to what she believes is hers, why can she not see that I would do the same?  The mistress feels jealous that the wife is ‘taking her man’, and yet felt very justified in doing that very thing to the innocent wife without a second thought.  Interesting double standard there.  The mistress can’t tolerate the man fleeing into the arms of another.  She sees that and feels excruciating pain and jealousy, hurt and despair….and yet had no problem doing that to someone else.  Funny how different rules are written for different people.

Jealous mistress

I find it interesting, in light of all that has happened, and the mistress’ reactions to me, to my husband, and to our decision to stay together, that she is unable to relate to why I would want to hold onto him, and why I would have such strong reactions to her taking him from me when she herself was desperately trying to do the same thing in reverse?

Funny how a mistress wouldn’t tolerate anyone else stepping in on her relationship, but it’s fine when she does it.  Sounds like someone’s sandbox rules are fucked up.

She hates me cause I stole her man?  Wait…wasn’t she trying to steal mine?  She has no reason to hate me.

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Comments

  1. Oh wow ! what writing !!!! EXACTLY MY SENTEMENTS !!!!!!
    CAN I USE THIS TO READ TO THE JUDGE TO EXPLAIN IN A NUTSHELL what the hell has been going on behind my back in this nightmarish Babymama drama…. as a response to her lawyer and her vilifying me ! By claiming that I HAVE BEEN “grossly inappropriate” , invading the whores privacy , pretending to be her and damaging her relationships !!!! …. Which is such an absurd twisting of the truth and ALICE IN WONDERLAND projection …it boggles one’s mind in having to defend yourself against such vitriol and slander !

    • Yes when one could say that she was grossly inappropriate in pursuing your husband, pretending to be you (stepping into your role), and ruining YOUR relationships. Twisted doesn’t even scratch the surface.

      • Michele says:

        I am surprised that you agree with “The Sperm Donors wife”. You have been very respectful to me on your blog even though my first post was rather harsh. I honestly just felt sorry for Youngsub91 and thought everyone was jumping on the band wagon to blame her “type” her all their problems. A lot of what people were saying about her was just vicious and unfair as she was not rude or mean spirited in any of her posts. She was just stating a different point of view and everyone took it so personally and started attacking her calling her stupid, whore etc. I felt that was wrong but dotcablogger wrote the following:

        “This audience is a group of women (maybe even men) who’ve had some other adult just not care and still begin an affair with their partner. So, yes, being pro-mistress here doesn’t have a place here for respectful debate.”

        I think dotcablogger is correct that some sites are only for like minded people and don’t care or want a different opinion.

        But your comment to spermdonorswife was surprising to me as you do not seem to believe that “two wrongs make a right”. The original point I was trying to make was that just because someone “wrongs” you does that justify you wronging them? If spermdonorswife actually did pretend to be her husband’s mistress do you really think that is OK? Isn’t that grossly crossing the line? Impersonating a person is against the law – is it OK the break the law because someone has slept with your husband? Even if they have broken the law first does that give you the right to do the same? It was not OK for your husband’s mistress to stalk you but do the wronged women/men who read this site feel it is OK for them to stalk, harass, etc. the other “women”? The question is where do you draw the line and at what point does your transgressions become worse than what was done against you?

      • Michele, spermdonor’s wife didn’t impersonate the mistress nor did she ever attempt to. It was simply a delusion of persecution by the mistress who felt wronged that she didn’t win the husband’s affections away and then blamed the wife. The mistress in our lives makes shit up on a regular basis just to remain in contact with my husband and cause me further grief. SHe knows that we know it isn’t true, and yet she calls our lawyer and complains of countless things which she later can’t even substantiate.

        My husband’s mistress says I stalked her. Never have. She says I show up at her house and bang the door in. Never have. She says I send her rude emails that she can’t substantiate (because I never have), and that my husband has been harassing her and her daughter for 2 years (he has had no contact, and wishes to never see her again) and again she can’t substantiate her claims. It’s a matter of a sick person making false claims and accusations to harm someone who has what she wants. I don’t think sperm donor’s wife actually DID anything…but the mistress claims she did. These people are sick you need to realize.

        As far as wives transgressions against the mistress being worse than her original offense, in my mind, having lived through it, there is nothing worse. I lost my mother this past Fall and my husband’s affair pained me 5000x more. She has cost me three years of my life so far in emotional damage, over $150K in legal bills fighting her garbage claims none of which she could prove, the potential loss of my marriage, a father to my children, my self esteem, my feelings of virtue and worth as a woman and as a wife…I don’t think much compares to that, and then when I learned of the affair, her painful outburst became targeted at me to hurt me more…had I not been hurt enough to learn that the last 2 years that Id known with my husband were lies and that never again would I be the only one to have the privilege of bearing his children….no, she had to call me names, carefully place insecurity bombs which would go off unexpectedly and when I least expected it, causing further damage down the road. No….frankly I’ve never had anything worse done to me, and I can’t picture any scenario where I could do anything more damaging because I wouldn’t, and that is the difference between her and I.

        It is a scenario where one really needs to have been in the situation to understand it, and the depths of this pain. I appreciate all comments and readership on this blog, but I need to be frank and say that unless you have lived this, you really won’t ever understand it. I thought I would, and I thought I did when I Was an ear to others who’d been through it. It wasn’t even close until it touched my life. So you can comment and try to provide alternate ‘points of view’ but until you’ve lived in the shit we are living in, you wouldn’t realize that most of the comments just don’t match up to what we are experiencing.

  2. You’ve mentioned Borderline Personaloity Disorder before, so you probabkly realize that you are describing BPD behaviors.
    But I actually wanted to comment for another reason…a personal pet peeve I have with the word mistress. I hate it! If girlfirend/boyfriend is not appropriate, why is mistress? I wrote an article on it last year.
    http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/?p=184

    • Well, the word mistress is the socially created term for a woman involved in a relationship with a married man. The word has been documented in literature for years. I don’t love the word either, in fact I think it sounds little glamorous. However, I really don’t know what other word to use. I use the word whore, people get up in arms. I use the word skank whore slut, and people get offended. Mistress seems like the only non-judgmental word that exist to describe it. For me, the word boyfriend or girlfriend is inappropriate for a different reason. The words boyfriend and girlfriend denote a relationship which implies a stepping stone toward something bigger. You become a girlfriend before you become a fiancé before you become a wife. One leads upward to something bigger and better. My husband can’t be someone’s boyfriend. He has already been a boyfriend and moved beyond that with someone else. Conversely, my husbands mistress like to call herself his girlfriend. She wasn’t his girlfriend. She was just someone he was sleeping with. He didn’t want a relationship with her, and their relationship was not going to grow into something bigger. She was never going to become his fiancée, nor his wife. So using a word which describes the temporary status on the way to something better, is not something that I can accept. I don’t even use the word lovers, because that implies the love existed, when it most certainly did not.

      • Personally I think whore, skank whore and slut are much more appropriate descriptions for these WHORES!!!! I have never and will never call them anything else. I hope no one takes offense!!

      • Mistress may be socially created and used by some–though I find most betrayed wives refusing to use it. But it is not accepted by many–so I would disagree that it is socially accepted. As for being non-judgmental…YES and that is great that you are also seeking a word that doesn’t judge, that was also my dilemma. (Though I admit to thinking and feeling whore-skank-slut of her.) Different books use different terms. One I read used the word ‘interloper.’ I found that awkward. Some use ‘affair partner’ which is non-derogatory and neutral, but it’s two words and a single word is better. I coined ‘alienator’ to apply to affair partners. It’s also been used to refer to a parent who is alienating (or accused of) alienating a child from the other parent, but it’s not well-known and so it fit well for the affair partner. I like it because it includes both genders and is non-derogatory but defines the situation. Other Woman/Man/Person (OW/OM/OP) are common on forums, but personally I don’t lke acronyms and it’s not gender neutral. But there are alternatives to ‘mistress.’ My vote is for alienator!

      • Homewrecker 😉

      • “Reprobate”…
        “TOWN BICYCLE”… men want to ride her, but not take her home or introduce her into their social world.
        “SEXUAL Predator”…
        “delusional miscreant” …
        Adulteress
        Malignant Narcissist with a Reckless VAGINA
        “SIDEPORK”….a party who has no social relationship status with a man, just who has sexual relations on the side…
        DIRTY LITTLE SECRETION

      • Sperm donor’s wife…you crack me up. Thank you for that. Just what I needed today. You have a magical gift.

      • Sperm Donor’s Wife,

        Yes, those are great–especially town bicycle and sidepork!
        At one point I used the phrase he was dipping his wick in the community wax.

      • Ok I just laughed out loud on that one. You girls are a riot.

  3. It is incredibly ironic, isn’t it? If she had gotten what she so desperately wanted – a life with your husband – she would have been wracked with doubts and jealousy because she would have been with a man she knew could be lured away. But by standing by you, facing the consequences and working towards rebuilding your marriage, your husband has ultimately shown his true, good nature. Turns out what she really wants is the man who stayed married to you, not the one who would have left you for her. She’s just too delusional (or so she seems) to realize it…

  4. In what world does this alias “Michele” person live in to take the unmitigated leap to attack me or assume that I ever did harm to some DELUSIONAL PIECE OF SIDEPORK ? I never passed myself off as being her !!!
    Michele you sure can’t tolerate anyone else having opinions different than yours… ARE YOU SO INSECURE and threatened by the Woman who speak the TRUTH ?
    That guttersnipe whores are insignificant and disgusting social pariahs !

  5. Sperm donors wife thank you having no self esteem left and feeling pretty crappy this week you have made my day. Thank you thank you needed a bloody good laugh. I personally call my husbands suck and go job a skank whore…

  6. I don’t think alot of people understand the seriousness of the topic of adultery. I have faced the fact that I have to wear the scarlet A myself even though my adulterous actions were only in my thoughts and not directed at any specific person. Being married and dealing with the normal discontentment that comes with being a non-perfect human/wife and living with someone else that is a non-perfect human/husband, I have many times have had thoughts of wishing I was with someone else and even pertending I was during intimate times.

    That alone has made me an adulteress. I have done it in my heart. I’m just as guilty as any female that has acted out those thoughts with someone else’s husband, or any male that has acted out those thoughts with someone else’s wife. Things are better now for me since I admitted that I was andulteress to myself and to my Savior and have decided to be committed to our marriage not only in my actions, but with my thoughts also.

    Controversial issues are controversial because of the level they negatively effect society as a whole. If all adulterous acts were limited to just thoughts we think, it certainly would not be nearly the controversial topic it is. It also wouldn’t change the fact that adultery is wrong. Its wrong no matter what level one takes it. Period.

    My prayers go up for you and your husband’s healing and for the continued healing of your marriage. I think you are being very brave and courageous for blogging about your experiences. Stay strong and don’t let delutional people sway you. 🙂

    • I personally think that you are beating yourself up more than you need to. I think it is quite natural to think about being with someone else, or to even fantasize about it. I also think that it is natural for us to be attracted to others, and healthy to share those thoughts with your spouse when/if you have them. I don’t think fantasizing about someone else renders you fit to wear a scarlet A, especially given the intense magnitude of difference thinking about it/acting on it have between them. They are worlds apart. If you’d asked me years ago how I’d feel if I learned that my husband fantasized about someone else while with me sexually, I’d have thrown up in my mouth, and I’d be sick/angry over it. But, having gone through the hell that I have, I’d take that in a heartbeat. That isn’t to minimize the other, but given a choice, obviously I’d take fantasy over what happened any day. There would be no crazy psycho mistress, no illegitimate child popping out of the woodwork in 15 years, no legal fees, no heartbreak…just some work on why he isn’t finding all his fantasies fulfilled by me, and how we could improve that. Just the thought while typing this out of it not having happened was a great mental holiday. Back to real life though…

  7. Recovering Wayward says:

    Know what’s strange? I have a similar story. My AP definitely was pressuring me. No longer wanted to play second fiddle. Wanted me out of my marriage and into a legitimate relationship with her. And as I eventually and later found out, played little dirty tricks to see if my wife could find out about the affair. I am quite sure my AP was behind the “anonymous” emails sent to my wife, family and friends about my affair. She caused D-day. And it backfired. I terminated the affair immediately. And the AP went psycho. I took her to Court in October because of her harassment of me and my family. It was very ugly.

    It’s interesting to see that I’m not the only one out there experiencing this. I look forward to reading more of your blog, although I get the idea you will be hostile to my presence here. Hopefully not. We are all here for the same reason. To learn. To heal. To move on.

  8. The Wife says:

    Im going through this similar with a whore name linette chevis who thinks its ok to try to coerce my husband to leave me like her hudbsnd left her with 4 kids only for my husband to realize how much he loved me while she got in his weak head. Turns out she was a bad mistress that only made him want to come back begging and fessing his love even stronger than before. But unfortunately our relationship is tainted and I feel the need to move on without him.

    • I’d be cautious not to use real names of anyone real in comments on this blog. A quick google search by the mistress and this will come up, putting you at risk for further torment. Even though you aren’t guilty of libel (when the information is true), I’d hate to see this blog cause anyone further torment by women who would enjoy more of an arena to spew their crap. 😉

  9. Interesting article. I am with a 60 yr old man who leads a double or triple life. He is,at this moment, cruising the Pacific with his latest conquest. I am deeply hurt but remain attached. I knew he,was a playboy, but he used to treat me with respect and,was discreet. He now dumps and picks me up at will. I am not worthy of anything better as he sees it. He has another partner he calls a flatmate and shares a place with her. I don.t live with him, so it makes it easy for him to keep us all separate. Am seeing a therapist who can help me get out of this toxic relationship. Advice to all to do same, you never never win…

  10. my husband’s affair said she likes me but I hurt her feelings so she continued the affair….. wow Her Feelings?

  11. the lawyers wife says:

    I am going through this very same thing right now. My husband sneaks off out of town with a female lawyer from our home town. This has been happening for two years almost now. I feel broksn from his actions. I love my husband and trying to hold on to my marriage it is what we do in my religion. But at this point I hate the missteris so much i want to claw her eyes out but I keep my shit together so I don’t bring myself down to her level. I really need advixe on how to get my husband back. I thought it woukd be best to just move my family out of the city?!?!? PLEASE HELP!!!

  12. Lost Wife says:

    I was feeling so lost, hurt and angry, and about to send an email to the other woman and to a group who could have been privy to the affair, but had the good sense to google libel via email. Lol. And so I came upon this. Still have some good sense even in anger. I came across their email correspondences last year and confronted him about it. They were really sweet. They met while taking a part time course in the UK together. So I confront him about it and he basically he says, they are not really close, they are a weird bunch and that he doesn’t need the degree to do that particular hobby. And so he willingly quits the program for me, to save the marriage and because his work didn’t give him enough leaves to pursue the last term. Anyway, fast forward to a year later, by this time I have come to terms with what happened. I realized that it is my choice to love and forgive. Then he posts a photo on FB of himself in the school in UK. I asked if he traveled there when he went to London a few weeks back. He said that it was old – 5 years old, when he was taking a summer program there. Of course it looked really current, especially since his most recent laptop was also taken. If that was the case then the laptop was way ahead of it’s time. He was just too stupid that way. So I ask for a copy of the photo – you see in the properties when it was created…or maybe I am wrong. So he says he’ll send it, and I wait and wait. Nothing. Then I just follow my intuition and look at the other girls facebook and see that they had photos together. There were also congratulatory posts on their graduation, tagging everyone. Including my husband. Anyway, I have now suffered a relapse from the events of the past year and am so afraid that I may not be able to rebuild the trust that he had broken. He claims that he just went over to see his friends one last time. But things really don’t add up and at the end of the day, he went out of his way to hide this from me. I feel he disrespected my feelings and broke my trust. I don’t know what to do. I can’t talk to family because I don’t want to worry them. I’ve never seen a shrink but I really want to just breathe this out. Sorry for burdening all of you. But I am truly grateful I came across this. I have had the sense to keep myself from sending the confrontational email which might make me feel better for now, but get me into trouble later. Maybe I shouldn’t stoop down to her level. And I have realized that no matter how I fight for him and try to get over this, what makes me think he won’t do it again? My efforts would’ve been all in vain. So confused.
    When do you know when to stop fighting? He wants to work on the marriage but I don’t know how to regain my sanity and be the person that I once was.

  13. I note how in all of that you fail to acknowledge your husband betrayed you…she blames you you blame her. He gets away Scot free. Imo this is why cheaters cheat…no consequences..

    • I think that’s a pretty misguided assumption to make. When a husband and wife experience this in their marriage, you won’t often see what goes on behind closed doors, in private conversation, in therapy sessions. What you will see is a common thread is that when a wife becomes angry at the TWO people who caused the situation and the resulting pain, it’s usually only one of them who has to step up and acknowledge wrong doing. I don’t want to hear any “she doesn’t owe the wife anything” and “she didn’t make the vows” but that’s just a weak argument for not taking responsibility. It’s called human decency. A mistress will often blame a betrayed spouse, claiming she wasn’t enough for him, playing on the very insecurities her actions have now deepened or created. She will claim she was a victim of his advances, and it wouldn’t have happened if the wife could have somehow kept him happy. The wife will blame the mistress for the distress caused…and shouldn’t she? Rightfully so! She was a participant in the act.

      So yes, blame will flow both ways between the women, but it’s really only justified in one direction. Just because a woman places responsibility on a mistress (which she does hold) doesn’t mean she absolves her husband. They aren’t mutually exclusive. It’s just that BOTH are responsible, and we demand restitution from one side only.

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