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Perplexed


The self-absorbed righteous mistress thinks it is all about her

 

 

I am perplexed. I am the kind of person who marvels in figuring things out. OK so maybe I don’t really want to know the inner workings of the remote control, or how the thermostat regulates the temperature in the house (I actually know all about the coiled bi-metallic anode), but I love making sense of chaos and finding a reason for why things are the way that they are, especially as it relates to human behaviour. It is for this reason that I first sought a psychology degree in my undergraduate training, and later a masters in psychotherapy. I like knowing what makes people tick. Over the years, learning myself better, I think the reason I was so attracted to knowing what guides human behaviour was my need to predict my environment and feel safe in it. I reason that if I knew what would cause a person to do a certain thing, I could better anticipate it, and not be caught off guard. Regardless, I just enjoy putting people together, like a puzzle, and figuring them out.

The mistress stumps me. You know, as I type those words each time, I don’t even like applying that term to her. The word almost looks regal on screen. The sound of the letters when placed together in a word come off my tongue almost sounding classy, when this woman is the farthest thing from a class act. I guess that is why I prefer to call her the skank, the whore, the cum-dumpster, trailer trash, the slut, the bitch, or as one lovely reader, and fellow blogger likes to call her, the “side pork”. Yup, I still love that one.

 

I can’t figure out what would make a person feel so entitled. I posted a while back on “entitlement”, and reflect often on how this poor excuse for a human being feels so entitled, despite neon signs flashing all around her which tell her the opposite. Can someone be so self-absorbed with such a warped sense of self-importance that they simply don’t think that the rules apply to them? Can someone be so delusional as to think that they are far better than anyone else, and that the rules that apply to most people, are not valid where they are concerned? The latter, of course, is actually a mental illness, and my husband and I (and our various solicitors) are convinced that she is not mentally all there, so maybe that explains it.

Looking back at the story in summary:

We find a woman who meets a married man, decides she likes him, learns he is married, and pursues him anyway. She would probably disagree that she pursued him, and make herself the victim, like he pursued her, but seriously….regardless of how it went down, or who initiated what, at some point, she decided that flirting with, kissing, and sleeping with a married man was something she was OK with, and she went ahead with her behaviour with full knowledge of his marital status, so it doesn’t really matter who pursued who, she wasn’t a victim in all of this as she would claim, she was a 50% responsible co-conspirator with my husband. She felt ENTITLED to him.

She makes the relationship ‘seem’ attractive and fun by stating that she only wants casual sex (these details by the way are found throughout her emails and text messages where she writes literally this), that she is sex-crazy and needs to have sex 4-5 times PER DAY and never feels satisfied. She advertises herself as sexually liberal and interested only in the casual nature of the sex, with no strings attached, and despite saying that she too is involved with someone, she puts forth an ‘escape clause’ that says that either one of them can put an end to the relationship at any time, no questions asked. She hoped my husband wouldn’t read the small print (his penis doesn’t have such good eyesight to read the small little print at the bottom of the page, and is easily distractible), which states that only she can use the escape clause for her own benefit, and that if he attempts to use it, he will be stalked, terrorized, harassed, threatened and his life made utterly miserable – sign on the dotted line. Something smells fishy….that is just too perfect a scenario for a woman to put forth…and so rare. Too bad my husband didn’t follow the golden rule: If something seems too good to be true…it probably is.

When it was obvious that he wasn’t interested, she became pregnant and flaunted that she’d prefer to have an abortion, and would do so if he left me and his kids. He wasn’t prepared to do that. Threats escalated. Then came the ultimatum: You tell your wife this week, or I will. She felt ENTITLED to this relationship and would do whatever she could to secure it. Since she’d already shown him that she means business and would certainly follow through on that threat, he knew the gig was up. She coached him on what to say, and how to say it, and waited gleefully off-stage while he gave the final performance of his marital career, expectantly waiting to rescue him after I kicked him to the curb. Finally, she would get what she wanted. She was ENTITLED to it. But she didn’t read me, as well as I read her, and was side-swiped with the news that he wasn’t leaving, and I wasn’t kicking him out. So the shit hits the fan.

From that moment on, the ENTITLEMENT festered and grew like a cancer, spreading like wildfire, and taking over any sensible, rational part of her brain. She decides to have her baby out of spite, knowing full well that she would be raising this child alone, and that my husband would never see the child. He’d made that very clear to her when she was deciding what to do, and wanted her to make her choice with FULL KNOWLEDGE of how it would look. This wasn’t a surprise, this was her CHOICE. He had no say in whether his child was brought into the world. She alone was going to decide that a child would be born to a fatherless home, with a mentally unstable mother, and would cost the father close to one million dollars in child support over the next 22 years. Yup, you heard me right. TWENTY-TWO YEARS. Sounds like a prison sentence doesn’t it? It feels like one. Funny how TWO people can make a CHOICE to sleep together, TWO people can decide to engage in something illicit, TWO people can conspire to keep it a secret, but ONE person can decide on behalf of BOTH of them whether a child should be born of their union, and that the other person will pay for 95% of it. Somehow that loses its fairness. At that point, what was consensual to BOTH is now decided by ONE, and guided by spite, revenge, and anger. Out of anger for not having “won the prize” when I decided to keep my husband, she decides to birth a child, stating that she looked forward to ruining us financially and having us pay for it (yes, she actually said that), and then goes on a revenge rampage, emailing everyone she can think of that is connected to my husband to tell them about the affair. She felt ENTITLED to let them know, claiming that it was her ‘responsibility’. Not only did she email work colleagues and co-workers, she contacted executive staff who manage over my husband, who have the ability to see him out of his career. When that wasn’t tasty enough, she decided she would also try to ruin us socially, and revealed the affair to friends via email, and then lastly to my parents and brother, so that I could feel a little of the humiliation as well. She felt ENTITLED to share it, it was almost, as she’d put it, her responsibility to let them all know, and cloaked it as a desire to want to inform them all so that they could ‘help me’ emotionally through the pain it would surely cause. When her actions threatened my husband’s reputation among his peers and colleagues, her employment with him was terminated. It was felt that she could no longer work in that environment, was a threat to the organization and to the principal of the company, and was let go. Despite being given 3X the severance pay that she was entitled to, along with a letter of reference, she decided to launch a wrongful dismissal suit because she felt ENTITLED to damages. She claimed emotional distress and psychological torment at having lost her job, and claimed that she was let go because she was pregnant. She obtained a free lawyer who would work for her for free for the next two years, trying to help her collect on damages. She had him convinced that my husband had raped and tormented her, and that he’d impregnated her and then hung her out to dry. He bought into it hook, line, and sinker. Any rational person hearing the story objectively, would have felt some compassion for me, the innocent party, during these proceedings, but her bottom-feeding lawyer looked at me with disgust, and refused to shake my hand when I offered it at our first meeting. Doesn’t surprise me that someone lacking any class would select a lawyer equally un-schooled in the art of human relations. She launched in tandem a complaint with the Human Rights Tribunal, hoping to collect some additional money. She felt ENTITLED to as much money as possible to offset her ‘suffering. When the time came to settle the custody and child support issues (separate legal team, separate court documents), she was encouraged to settle those before the custody would be considered. She wanted the custody settled so that her payments would be court ordered and enforceable, because she felt ENTITLED to obtain as much money from his as possible. She ended up receiving a considerable sum in settlement pay in order to drop her two false claims (she wasn’t wrongfully dismissed, and she wasn’t discriminated against (human rights) for having been pregnant. Both claims were dropped, and she walked away with her pockets filled, never having paid her lawyer a red cent. He would end up being paid from this sum. It had been the plan all along: launch as many claims as you can against him, it will end up being settled, and at the very least, we will walk away financially advantaged. Nice ploy.

 

Outside of the child support payments exist extraneous payments which are required to be paid in addition Things like prescriptions, ballet classes, music classes, school fees, team enrolment, mommy&baby classes, etc. That isn’t split 50/50, it is proportionate to income, and because she doesn’t work, we pay 95%, so when a prescription had to be filled for her daughter for $29, she sent the bill to our lawyer for $27. Yup, she pays $2, and we pay $27. I couldn’t believe, given the enormous amount she makes in child support payments, that she was scraping the bottom of the barrel and scrounging for $27….I was kind of embarrassed for her, but she felt ENTITLED. She unilaterally decided to place her child into daycare, with no regard to what the cost was. She chose one of the highest priced daycares in the area. Why? Cause she doesn’t pay for it, we do. Her 5% portion is laughable. She felt ENTITLED to spend our money how she saw fit. Why not? Free money, mandated by the laws which have been put into place to protect babies of deadbeat dads. When she decided that she wanted to get her daughter immunized against Hepatitis B (not covered by health insurance), we questioned why she would need/want to immunize her against something like this at such a young age, especially if she isn’t exposed…unless she was going on a trip? A few weeks later, a request comes for my husband to sign her passport application. She is reminded that she has complete custody, and his signature or permission for her to travel is not needed. A passport? A hepatitis B vaccination? Sounds like someone is going on a vacation!! Mexico maybe? Funny, she can’t scrape two cents together, and hasn’t been able to EVER afford a vacation…until now, when her child support payments which are far greater than what is actually NEEDED to support her child allow her to squirrel a little away at a time for her child. Looks like she went to Mexico (or some other disease infested area requiring advanced vaccination), on our dollar. Why not? She is ENTITLED to a vacation on us, right?

So here we are, two years later. The false lawsuits have been dropped and closed. She has legally released my husband from all claims relating to her employment. She gets a monthly cheque for her child support, post-dated cheques given yearly so they are never late, and daycare payments made directly to the daycare so that she can turf her kid and have some ‘mommy time’. She is ENTITLED to that though, cause she works so hard as a single mother (and I don’t doubt that she does, I am sure it is BRUTALLY hard, and I wouldn’t change places with her but let’s not forget that this was her CHOICE). She sits on the brink of a job offer, having submitted a job application that she obvious wants desperately (I guess she needs to get out of the house, 100% childcare is exhausting!! He warned her that it would be….we’ve been there…done that…she didn’t listen), and she is worried that he won’t give her a good reference. Although she has a reference letter, her fear is that someone will call him, and she can’t monitor or control what he says. She is worried that karma is going to exact a toll on her, and do to her what she has been doing to him for two years: slandering a reputation and compromising a career. Out of her fear, she has decided to launch several lies and threatens to make them public (read the post before this one called “I am mentally unstable….” if she doesn’t get what she wants. Can someone tell me why she should get what she wants, after all that she has done? Because she feels ENTITLED, that’s why.

In my attempt to decode this person’s behaviour, I am left perplexed. How can someone exact such vengeful behaviours, launch a tirade of hurtful actions, compromise my husband’s reputation and career, stalk me online, harass me with false police allegations against me, demand payments for things that she unilaterally selects, and then feel entitled to a glowing recommendation? Seriously? Is she missing a chromosome responsible for rationality? Is she really just this stupid? Or is she just ballsy, thinking that if she casts a wide enough net, she is likely to reel SOMETHING back, and she just doesn’t care how it makes her look? Wow. I just don’t get it. I feel embarrassed for her. This is just one person I can’t figure out…and it’s not because she is too complex…she just escapes the definition of ‘normal’.

She won’t be getting a reference letter. My husband has no desire to compromise her career. He is above all of that. He would rather see her working, and supporting her child, than leeching off of us every month. He would rather see her time and brain power put towards a job, instead of left free to concoct more damage against us. He wants her to move on. He wants her to find a man. He wants her to divert her attention off of us, and to just move on with her life. He pays a cheque monthly to assist her with that. Hopefully it is just a matter of time before she ‘gets it’ that it is time to let go, and to move forward.

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Comments

  1. Just one word…WOW. I don’t know if I could live that way, but then I have never pursued a married man and became pregnant. It’s a little hard to identify with that. I have always wondered how these kinds of people get free legal service. I know somone else like that. I had to come up with a retainer fee and pay for my divorce. I just don’t get it. God luck.

    • From what I understand, the father is a blue collar criminal, a shyster, ran several scams a decade or more ago with the help of this lawyer. Apparently, this lawyer owed him several “favors”. That ended up being realized as his daughters free legal service. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

  2. Has your H considered pursuing joint custody? If he had joint custody, then he would have 50% say in all costs outside of the child support (health, education, extra-curricular, daycare, travel, etc.) Therefore, he’d have the right to say NO to some things. I know it’s not ideal for the sanctity of your marriage since you decided to not have any contact with the OC.

    Personally, I know how fierce and unfair the entitlement of the OW is. In my case, she has spent the last year and a half harassing me, threatening to destroy me and my son and threatening to destroy my business. She has stalked me, shown up at my house with her baby (the OC), filed false legal claims against me,etc. In my case, I am considered the “victim” by the courts and have no say whatsoever in what happens. I have done all that I can, using the laws that exist and the legal channels that are available. There is currently and arrest warrant pending — waiting to get in front of a judge to sign off. But from what I’ve found out, the prosecutor can advise against arrest…

    Anyhow the sense of ENTITLEMENT of these women is totally insane. You are right — there is something psychologically wrong with these women (in my case, it’s obvious just reading the hypocritical email, text message and voice mail threats she has sent me — she sent me an email that said her baby was born out of love and then in the next email claimed she was raped. Now is it love or is it rape? Maybe for her rape is love? She is so nonsensical it’s bewildering.). I do not understand how or why our legal system lets them get away with it. I feel your pain because I feel it too in my own situation.

    The only thing that really gets me through is the knowledge that I am (trying) to take the high road. I am trying to be a mature adult in this. (Though sometimes it feels like I am the only one doing so which really pisses me off. When do I get a break? When do I get a rest? When do I get a good life? Why is this even my responsibility since I am the victim here? etc & etc.) My daily goal is to do something good. Good things beget more good things. Good works beget more good works. Sometimes it takes time, but eventually we get there to the good place. At least that is my hpe as I start each day.

    • You know, Susan, he has thought long and hard about this very issue. As a man of principle (I know, it sounds odd coming from a woman who was cheated on by this principled man), he feels horribly that he has no contact in this life of a person whose life was his responsibility (and her decision). Seeking joint custody comes with costs which far outweigh the benefits, in our minds. Seeking custody would mean reopening court cases and ongoing communication with this crazy. It would also mean exposure to her physically when the child is exchanged, communication with her on a regular basis about parenting, purchases, lifestyle, etc., and my husband has no desire to see/speak/interact with this woman ever again beyond what is necessary for this child to receive his support. If we fought for custody and lost, it would just mean more ridicule from her, and chances are that the very threat of us seeking it would cause her to completely unhinge, which is not safe for the child. For now, we look at it this way: We are paying for our privacy, we are paying for a buffer of distance and for the safety of our family. My husband would pay triple to ensure that this woman has no access to me, our home, our family and our children.

  3. I totally understand. The court battles, as you well know are draining and damaging in their own way. I’m not sure what the law is where you are, but here (I’m in Connecticut, USA) there are two kinds of custody which means you can have “joint custody” (for decision making — for health, education, etc.) AND the OW can have “residential custody” (meaning the OC lives with the OW, not you — you can choose to not ever see the child).

    Anyhow, all of this is difficult and every decision has pros and cons. On my end, there is currently a custody battle going on (as well as several criminal proceedings) which has costs, both financial and emotional. Sometimes I think it is worth paying as much money as possible to not ever have to see or deal with the OW/OC ever again.

  4. Michelle says:

    I really don’t want to be the voice of doom here, but chances are very high you will never get any respite from this woman. She will exploit every opportunity that comes her way to make your life a living hell because it makes her feel powerful and she enjoys making you and your family squirm. I’m certain that in her mind, you (not your husband, YOU) robbed her of the life she’s supposed to be living because you didn’t kick his cheating ass to the curb, so now she is going to make you pay. It sucks that she can get away with this. It is completely unfair. But her bad behavior has gotten her pretty sizable payoffs in the past, why not see what else she can squeeze out of you? Besides, she’s got nothing better to do with her time than dream up ways to antagonize and punish you. Seriously, don’t waste your time trying to reason out the mind of the unreasonable. Her side-pork mentality will never add up. The only thing you can do is commit to living the best and happiest life possible in spite of her. And, of course, keep hoping that maybe one day, she’ll grow the fuck up.

    • I have to say that I loved this response. It actually made me smile. You totally ‘get it’. You are right that she blames me. In a meeting with our lawyer early on, she admitted on record that the relationship was consensual (there goes her claim of rape), and that they loved one another, and was it not for his “bitch wife”, the two of them would be together. I was the reason they weren’t carrying on. So you are right, she will blame me entirely. Personally I don’t care. She isn’t even worth the brain power anymore. I have what I was meant to have. I have my husband back, and she has a life sentence with a child she never wanted. She will never grow up…but I am tickled to know that this torment will follow her throughout her life – she doesn’t know any other way to be.

  5. Henry Adams says:

    On a lighter note, I just heard today that my OW stalker (who has been active for nearly 8 years) has set herself up as an addiction therapist. So very funny, on so very, very many levels.

    • OK that is truly funny. What could have been even funnier is had you said that she is a relationship counsellor or an abused woman’s advocate. Good lord what are the training and screening processes today that she would even qualify as having the compassion and sensitivity needed to treat and care for others. Good lord.

  6. lamehousewife says:

    P-R-I-D-E. It makes people blind, cold-hearted, and selfish. Pride has no meaning (and I am not talking about having dignity which is good), so that is why it can’t be explained. It aims towards meaninglessness, undefining, etc. Of course, we all struggle with our own pride (the bad kind) but not all of us let it or want it to get this out of control. Thanks for the post.

  7. oh how I wish my husband wanted noting to do with the OW… but he wants everything to do with her…and he wants me too. He is the real selfish one in my situation. and even though the timeing is very bad due to his recient unemployment and very strained finances I am going to look for another place to stay. Yes I am going to be the one to leave. He can stay and deal with the crazyness that our adult children inflict on this family. (in all honesty, the oldest has contributed to the problems in our marriage) I hope to be out by the end of August. I am heartbroken and devestated, but I can no longer live in a marriage where I am not the only woman.

    • I am so sorry, and yet I am also so incredibly proud of you. How can I be proud of someone I don’t even ‘know’? Easy. You are embarking with bravery on something few have the guts to do. In fact, I didn’t think I would have had the guts to do it, and sometimes wonder if I stayed because I am a chicken, but I know now that isn’t true – I had good reason to stay. However, had my husband not committed 100% to me and our lives, it would have looked much different, and I can assure you I would not be sitting here typing this from a home that we share. It is so upsetting in the first place to know that you were ‘picked over’ for someone else. It is even more painful when despite all of the signs to the obvious that he should turf her and come back where he belongs, he still can’t make up his mind. REst assured, it is NOT because you aren’t enough. It is NOT because she is better than you. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with you, and I don’t want you to waste your time for one moment in a place of personal torment wondering why you aren’t enough, because you ARE. HE has the problem, and you were just an unfortunate bystander to his larger internal struggle and lack of personal coping. You ARE a strong person, and you WILL be just fine – in fact you will be BETTER. With him, you are a woman pining on the sidelines, waiting to be picked, like the mistresses who wait for the man to pick her once the wife decides he isn’t worth keeping. Don’t be one of those women who waits passively on the sidelines for someone to tell her she is worth it. You ARE worth it, and you will be a BETTER person, a STRONGER person and a more FULFILLED person when the weight of this no longer has to rest on your shoulders. Concentrate on being the best YOU that you can be and let his sad and sorry ass go. Life is too short to waste it being someone’s side option, when there is someone out there that you were meant for, that you were created for, who will not make you an option, but his CHOICE. Blessings to you.

    • Run as fast as you can away from this selfish idiot. He doesn’t know what he wants and you deserve better than that. Men like him are just pathetic. It’s a shame that your children are of no help and I have dealt with that also. Unfortunately, for me, it was a nasty step daughter that I had the misfortune to raise when my ex got custody. When she was little, every was fine. But as she got older and her parents were competing for her love and attention, the behavior got worse and worse. My ex blamed me for everything, even though I was not allowed to say anything. I just got to clean up the fallout. In the end, this selfish jerk left me with our daughter for someone 20 years my junior. They broke up in the end (which statistics prove that is usually the case). Karma will come around and bite him. My ex just got fired from his job. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Good Luck.

    • For you:

      • I love listening to Joel Osteen every Sunday. I always fell like I can fly when his sermon is over. I love this blog. Parts of my divorce have always stayed with me adn learning to trust again has been so difficult. This blog is a godsend.

  8. Oh my god, I cannot believe what I just read! First of all, what state do you live in, and forgive me for saying this, but your attorney sucked! Are you in the United States? I am just floored as to what this woman received from you! That is insane!

    Unfortunately, it seems as though she has the power, and I believe it is due to you and your husband giving her the power. You need to stop this asap and let this woman do whatever it is that she needs to do! Do not be threatened by her. Like I always say, 10x smarter 10 steps ahead. You have to be like that. I would re-visit this in the court with an attorney that has a brain. Trust me on this. That is crazy!

  9. Further more proof of what a mess this child support system is… The child support money is for the child right? then why is she getting extra money on the other classes? If the husband has to pay these extra costs, then why is he paying child support? for her hair? her nails? Please can you explain this?
    wow
    I can’t believe there is such kind of laws.

  10. WE SERIOUSLY NEED SOME LAW AMENDMENTS OVER THE WORLD verywhere the scenario is like this. Child support follows such a rigid guideline…. They have to do something.

  11. You once mentioned that you pay more than 1000 dolars… this amount includes the extra payments ? If it does not, it is horrific, after paying 1000 dollars, You still have to pay? OMG

    • We pay close to $4k per month. $3k in child support, $1k for daycare. She pays $25 per month for daycare. Nice hunh?

      • WOW What kind of laws are these? Isn’t the daycare and other costs supposed to be included in the 3ooo dollars? I mean this is seriously sick. 4k is someone else’s whole months salary which that whore is earning for destroying a family and still the child is dressed in second hand clothes?

      • And I know filing a suit against her would be a waste … not to mention the severance pay and the money given to her to drop the false claims. Really I have never heard of such great child support payments… seriously like rewarding your rapists When it hurts me so much( a stranger) then what it must do to you? Like you once said that its the money which you had been putting off for college for your kids. I seriously don’t know how you are managing. I seriously wish there had been no baby.
        and I seriously don’t understand the laws. If the school and daycare fess is supposed to be paid separately, then for what exactly is child support payment?
        the answer is simple: its just money and money. No one cares for children. If it is wrong to punish the OC for something his parents have done then why are the wife’s kids punished? but no one looks at the wife or her kids. What people want is that the married man should pay more and more money as a punishment totally forgetting the wife and her kids. and I can’t beleive OW is bent for more and more money. It could have been easier if she really spent it on the kid but she doesn’t even do that. I don’t know why the law doesn’t question the mother that if she lacks even the basic necessities(like paying for daycare) and has no job, why is she even giving the child? but NO instead they put all the burden on the man. I had known about the concept of financial abortion and I am strongly in favour of it. Only if I could do something sitting at home to change the laws and make life better for women like you and your children and punish those whores who make marriage and children are joke. I strongly beleive in karma(this concept has originaed from my own country) and I am sure she will get it back maybe in some nther life she wil surely get it for not only destroying your family but also treating her own child as bargaining chip and means of revenge.

  12. No—your husband decided to have a child when he chose to put his unsheathed penis into another woman. He is an IDIOT. He could have given you a disease. So cry me a river that his poor daughter didn’t pay with her LIFE so he could get away with his months of LUST. What a selfish LOSER. What is wrong with YOU and your husband and the whore? You all gamble with a child’s LIFE because you’re all selfish and butt-hurt. And YES YOU ARE SELFISH if you would make an innocent child die so you can feel better. Her whore mother is selfish for gambling her child’s life to get a man and your husband is the worst of them all because he wasn’t concerned about YOU or making babies with the whore when he was humping the whore and ejaculating into her. So you adults all need to SHUT UP and get over yourselves now. I feel so bad for that innocent little girl. To be surrounded by such awful adults. To have such selfish narcissistic parents. If your husband doesn’t know how babies are made he is a moron. If he does–then there is NO EXCUSE. Now he can shut up and pay up!

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