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I think we can all relate


Someone shared this with me earlier and I thought many here could relate. Although I don’t believe anything is “ruined” and we are rebuilding, it does ring true

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Comments

  1. And this is exactly where my struggle lies at the moment. I feel that everything is ruined. Thirty years together, I feel that he threw that away. Burned it to the ground. Now he is hurt and down because I don’t love him like I used to, even though he says he loves ME like he used to. And he says he never wanted to hurt me. Really? And did you think it would end with the three of us singing Kumbaya in the back yard around a campfire??
    Yet, I know that he loves me. At least that’s what he says. He’s been doing the right things, mostly. I just can’t seem to open up and let myself be vulnerable again. I seriously doubt that I will ever fully trust him the way I used to do. He hates that, but that was a choice HE made, not me. I am going to IC (and so is he) and have taken a short break on the MC. What he really wants deep down is for me to just be “over it”. He wants to forget it ever happened (although with lessons learned applied to our relationship, and better boundary setting). Nearly eight months and I still feel choked and sick when I think about this mess.

    • I go back and forth on this too. At rough times I think it is ruined. I look at what he did and I am livid. I see it as him stealing my happiness and then asking me to be ok with it. My trust was abused. My life changed without my consent and now my bank account being drained monthly by the skank. I often find myself saying things like “I just wish things were back to the way they were” and feeling longing for the days when I was blissful. But, I need to remind myself that those days weren’t as ideal as my mind wants to remember them. Obviously our relationship had a weakness and we weren’t as perfect as I thought. It looks perfect in the rearview mirror, but doesn’t it always? If it was so perfect, it wouldn’t have happened. If it was perfect he would have told me when he felt vulnerable and wouldn’t have felt the need to escape the stresses of his work and personal family situation by choosing something destructive. Instead he would have talked to me. He would have been ok with admitting his weakness and known that it didn’t require shame. He would have let me in. It wasn’t perfect. I realize now that what I long for isn’t the marriage I had before, it is the peace and security that I felt. I miss that. I miss the blind trust. I miss the freedom and complete envelopment. Instead now I feel like I have a third eye, always open, always watching, always being careful. Having that eye open is tiring and doesn’t make me the person I want to be, or give me that sense of peace I crave. The only way I can get that is to be very open and honest with my husband about what I need and when I hurt. I know he will be receptive to me. He always is. He knows he messed up and wants to do anything to make it right. So do I want my old marriage? No. I want this one. I just wish we hasn’t had to wade through piles of shit and stink to get to where we are. Every day he shows me the love I need, brings me one step closer to feeling the peace I once had, in a marriage that is now stronger than it was. We’ll get it back…we both want it badly enough.

  2. Amen to that!!!

  3. Recovering Wayward says:

    Reblogged this on And you may ask yourself… well… how did I get here? and commented:
    I read this person’s blog and they are articulate and interesting, but for this post, I can’t agree. Nobody comes in a ruins everything. Nobody “steals” anyone. People stray. People walk. If the only way you can keep someone faithful is by keeping them away from members of the opposite sex, let alone “sluts, then your marriage is pretty much a shame anyway .

    I didn’t cheat because someone came to offer me themselves. I’ve had plenty of offers.

    I mean, if someone left a pound of crack at my door every day, I’m never going to smoke it. If I did, it’s because I chose to.

    So no slut ruined anything. The husband chose it. Blaming the other party is not only inaccurate, but a skillful way to avoid any of the blame. The husband gets to avoid some of the blame for choosing the affair. The wife gets to not examine the marriage to see why it was so weak that someone could get in between them. Sorry, I can’t buy this simplistic analysis of a complex problem. You can’t explain an affair, it’s genesis and consequences on a Facebook-like slogan. If only life, and affairs, were that simple.

  4. Pretty powerful statement above! I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of Shirley Glass. She was a counselor and did a lot of research about couples and cheating. She found that when someone in the relationship cheats, it didn’t mean there was necessarily anything wrong with the relationship itself. It might be a study you should look into. I don’t know your situations, and I haven’t been in the same situation. I just wanted to add a thought in there! Keep strong!

  5. It’s 12 years since the first affair… not that I ever really got over it, but just adjusted I guess… and only 1 year since the last affair ended.. it went on for over 5 years. It’s hard, when you’ve allowed your walls to come down and allowed your heart to open to the cheater again, only to be tossed back into the fire.

    The 5 year woman was also married, three kids, and a hard working husband. She was a piece of work. She chased him, she followed me, she even put herself into events where she could be around our family. She called my children on the phone, and approached them at a restaurant during lunch. She was/is a sick individual.

    I’m really just numb to the whole thing. I guess that happens over time.

    He moved out, and has stopped supporting our family, because I wouldn’t “Let it Go”. He threatened me with “You better let me come home, or I won’t pay the mortgage”… needless to say, my house is now on the market. I don’t know where the strength came from, to tell him no..but part of me is very glad I did. Granted, I’m losing my home, and will have to worry about paying a rent, etc, on my own, with my son… but I won’t allow him to hurt me any more.

    I am a firm believer in “Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater”.

    Yes, a slut comes along…… but the Cheater has to agree to the Slut’s agenda. He is no better than she is. The best revenge, is to let him go. He will end up a lonely and miserable man who doesn’t know how to have a REAL relationship. Eventually his looks will fade, and he will be alone with his actions.

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