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Snacking in the closet: a new setback


2 1/2 years into my healing, and I have come upon a new setback. Sometimes I feel as though I am my own worst enemy. I

n the early days of the affair discovery, one of the questions that I had for my husband was “what kinds of things did you say to her?”, “Did you ever say anything to her that expressed arousal, interest?”, “Did you ever compliment her, did you tell her she was good in bed, did you compliment her on her appearance?” These are things I had wanted to know, because they indicate to me a closeness, and an intimacy that wouldn’t exist if the relationship was “just for sex”. I guess I reasoned that if my husband was having sex with his mistress, “just for sex”, that their communications would be pretty benign, simply requests for hookups, no emotion, no attachment, no compliments, no emotional sustaining of the other person. I guess that finding out if there was any sort of emotional connection was important to me, as indicated a deeper affair, and I want to know how deep this had run.

Asking my husband those questions in the early days was fruitless, because he claimed he could not remember. I know that men and women are different, that women seek details, and that men rarely recall them. This is truly frustrating for the betrayed spouse who desperately wants to know details, and accuracies, you simply can’t get her answers. In an attempt to hide the relationship, my husband never maintained any of his old emails. Sure, there were a few here and there, mostly benign, mostly relating to work questions, nothing that was sultry, sexy, or a red flag. I’ve seen those, I’d read those, but that wasn’t what I was looking for. My husband, however, was unable to produce the emails that were sent that indicated something more. He had been very good at hiding those, even going so far as to create a fake email, and an alias. She, on the other hand, kept everything. Possibly because she wanted to use it as retaliation later, or simply because, as a woman, she kept things for sentimental reasons. Regardless of the reason, she had everything in her possession that I needed.

Last year, around this time, we were getting ready to meet the other woman in court. She had accused my husband of wrongful dismissal, and he had countered her claim with proof that she had been inappropriate in her work, had been warned, and had violated policies of their workplace which made her termination not only necessary, But justified. In attempts to make herself look valuable As an employee, and as a person in my husband’s life, she chose to print all of the emails where he had expressed affection for her, admiration for her work, genuine concern for her well-being, etc. In parallel, she also printed all of those emails which made my husband looks like the bad guy. The sex starved, horny, wayward husband, seeking out cheap thrills, and a good time with and “innocent” woman. She picked her emails carefully, not attaching many emails that were from her, directed to my husband, but rather mostly emails that were composed by him, directed towards her. Now, I am a smart person, and I realize that this is a biased and skewed representation of the emails that were exchanged. I am sure there are many emails where she expressed horniness, desire, flirtation, but she would not have attached those as they would have compromised the picture she was trying to paint of herself. I know that, I get that, I understand. However, when I came across this binder of emails one year ago, desperate for more information because my Husband was unable to provide it for me, I looked. I skimmed the pages, I flipped through them quickly, afraid of getting caught. It’s funny, my husband breaks his marriage vows, cheats another woman, sleeps with her in hotel rooms, goes behind my back, creates fake emails, creates fake meetings disguised as a work event, and I felt like the one sneaking around. Afraid of being caught, I spent no more than one minute flipping through the emails, looking for buzzwords, my eyes picking up random sentences here and there. I read some things I wasn’t prepared to see. I read some things that hurt me deeply. I didn’t, however, read them all.

Over the last year, I’ve had many instances where I have wondered what else was said. My husband, of course, unable to tell me, and possibly tired of the questions, let me to wonder if I should reopen the binder. Each time I wanted to, I reminded myself that it wasn’t a good idea, and decided not to go searching. Until yesterday.

In the process of filling out an application for my eldest child, I went looking for his birth certificate in order to provide proof of his age. My husband keeps all these important documents and filing cabinet in our home, which is not locked, which we share. Unintentionally, I came across the binder. At that moment, I became like those food addicts that come across a stash of no – no foods, And scroll themselves away in a closet to stuff their faces with something they know is doing them harm, but basically can’t help themselves. I became that person. I set my husband’s desk for close to an hour, and read every single page of the binders in detail. Every text message, every email. Every. Single. One. Some of them were familiar, having read them a year ago. I knew already what my eyes would see, but I couldn’t help myself. I figure that the pain that I’ve been through is so intense, that adding a few more details here and there won’t really matter. What I didn’t expect, with the resurrection of the pain, the humiliation, and the feelings of inadequacy that reading those emails brought to me. It’s one thing to know that your husband has been with another woman. It’s entirely another thing to read the transcript.

I became privy to some of my husband’s deepest darkest thoughts, that he had relayed only to this other woman. Some of the sentences which are burned, and etched into my mind include:

“I can’t wait to be inside you”

“I feel satisfied with you in so many ways, socially, and sexually. You do all the right things, knowing exactly what to do with me to make me feel good. I feel so relaxed when I’m with you”

“I told my wife that she has nothing to worry about. She had read some of our emails, and is on high alert for the possibility of infidelity. I did my best to reassure her that she has nothing to worry about.”

“I’m thinking about you as I work. I’m having a hard time walking around, if you know what I mean”

“I wish I could wake up beside you in the morning, and have a little dose of you first thing in the morning. That would be a little hard to explain”

“I would love to watch you sleep. You are so rarely still, it would be a rare treat”

“I like my women blonde, blue-eyed, and hot. Know anyone like that?”

“I am open to trying new things also. I’m willing to try anything that interests you. Just name it”

“You and I will go on another vacation, and have a lot more fun”

“I just feel so relaxed when I’m with you. You bring me a piece that I can’t put into words. I just feel so good when we’re together”

“I feel like this relationship is becoming more serious. It’s like we have both navigated away from the shore, and into treacherous waters. Personally, I welcome that, and look forward to where this may lead us. I don’t know where this relationship is going, and I understand the consequences, and I want to go there with you”.

There is a sharp knife blade wedged deep in my heart. Those words came from my husband. Those were forgive into another woman. At some point during my husband’s affair, he contemplated leaving me. At one point during my husband’s affair, he was willing to risk throwing away his life with me and his children, for this woman who made him feel so “comfortable”

My husband is a subscriber to this blog, and is going to read this post. My fears that he will become very upset with me for having read these emails. Not because I was snooping, or because I didn’t have the right to read them. But because I did something that caused me great emotional turmoil, that he will have seen is unnecessary. Why do something that causes yourself pain? Why do something that causes you harm? Well, when you’ve already experienced the depths of pain that I’ve experienced, and you live in the world that he has created for you out of this pain and harm, it really isn’t much of a stretch.

On a positive note, I no longer have the curiosity looming over my head. I can lay that to rest. It’s now simply a matter of working through the resurrected feelings come as a result of reading this content. I think what I need, is to go to the binder with my husband, and select the passages that break my heart into 1 million pieces. I need him to see what he has said, and the impact it has on me. He has avoided reading these emails, not wanting to go back to that place, possibly not wanting to face what you had said and done. I’m sure the last thing he wants to do Is resurrect those emails with me present. However, as part of our complete honesty, and his complete empathy for where I stand, I feel it is necessary for him to read those passages aloud, and see the great despair that they bring.

So, even after all this time, even after so many months of happiness, and calamity, setbacks can and do happen. It doesn’t mean we’re headed down a slippery slope. It doesn’t mean we’re going backwards. It’s just another bump in the road on the way to a hopefully brighter future. Now, if only I could stop the nausea and desire to vomit.

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Comments

  1. First, hugs. Even as I read those words, I could feel anxiety and shock of seeing them through your eyes. I think my husband deleted all of his, which nearly caused big problems when the COW threatened to take us to court when we had to resolve the business he was stupid enough to start with her. From time to time, the urge to “dig a little deeper” comes over me. I snoop here and there through picture files, emails, and once (to my great shame) even tried to resurrect his old cell phone so I could see the texts in it. I really don’t know why I have indulged in this behavior. It doesn’t move us forward in any appreciable way, yet the temptation is almost over-powering. I know they had an affair. I know it was emotional and sexual. I know the rough timeline of it all. I know we had to be tested because affair fog makes people stupid enough to think that wearing a condom magically protects you from having unprotected oral sex. DUH. And on the flip side, I know he is sorry. I know he has regret and remorse. I know he says it is the worst mistake of his life and he would do anything if he could go back and undo it. He has said a million ways how sorry he is to see the pain he has caused me AND our children. He is going to both individual and couples counseling. Really, what more can I ask from him? He leaves in a week or two on a business trip and I am DREADING it. That is when I tend to trigger,panic and try to ferret out more hurt. I hope I don’t this time.
    At the same time, it does resonate with me when you said you no longer have the curiosity looming over your head. I have asked more questions than our marriage counselor thought was necessary or beneficial. When he asked me WHY I was asking some of them, my answer was that I needed to fully understand EXACTLY what I was forgiving. Did he really love her? Were there any plans to leave me and the kids? Knowing that most of it occurred in our home was something i HAD to know and deal with. Added to all of this is the fact that, like yours, ours is not the “typical” affair situation. His AP went completely stalkerish crazy. We had to lawyer up, and fight for months. Still strange things happen. Everyone that has come in contact with her through this reaffirms the opinion that she is crazy and we need to be very careful. I don’t have the comfort of just avoiding certain roads where “the” hotel is located, or not driving near “her” home where it all happened. It happened here, in my home 99% of the time. That’s a lot to take.

  2. Reading this post made me cry. I’m so, so sorry for your pain. I’ve read your blog for quite some time now, read every detail about Skank-Nasty’s attempt to ruin your life for not dumping your husband the moment you learned about the affair. I’ve wondered many times how she could be so delusional, how she couldn’t see that she was nothing more than an easy lay. These e-mails gave me some insight into why she thought he was going to leave you and why she believed the two of them had a real future together. Because he told her they did.

    This one about broke my heart.

    “I feel like this relationship is becoming more serious. It’s like we have both navigated away from the shore, and into treacherous waters. Personally, I welcome that, and look forward to where this may lead us. I don’t know where this relationship is going, and I understand the consequences, and I want to go there with you”.

    Now a reasonable person would, at some point put it together that if he would lie about her, he would like to her too, but there’s nothing about your husband’s piece of sidepork that has ever led me to believe she’s reasonable. E-mails like this just fed her craziness. I’m sorry that you had to read such hurtful things, RMM. I’m sorry that he wrote them in the first place. I hope he’s able to offer you the comfort and reassurance that you need and deserve.

  3. I agree with TLM. It’s all over now, and I hope that he is able to offer you the comfort and reassurance that he is all for you. Hug.

  4. These other women amaze me constantly. How stupid do you REALLY have to be to do the math? If he is cheating on his wife, lying to his wife, breaking his marriage VOWS (which are WAY more important than ANY promises he makes to his slut….and yes, if you are doing a married man you ARE a slut) what on earth makes you think he wouldn’t lie to you? Break promises to you? Say things to appease you and make the relationship go smoothly? Affairs are WRONG. And so that makes them complicated because they are built on lies and deceit, all the way around. They are lived in the shadows, as dirty little secrets. If his wife was that bad, he would have left her long before he met you. If you were all that, he would be already out the door and into your arms. The truth of the matter is, while there may be a few rough patches in the marriage, overall it is good if not great, and certainly worth saving. He KNOWS that. Its why he is still there. Statistics overwhelmingly show that the wife always wins. She gets the chance to fix those things that need to be fixed, and take her marriage from good back to amazing. Her husband gets the chance to appreciate what he has and realize what he almost gave up. He is nearly always grateful for his narrow escape from the affair.

    • Stephanie C. says:

      I totally agree with you, exercisegrace…. what you described is exactly what I am experiencing in my marriage after DDay. An extreme relief to be done with the affair on my husband’s part, along with an enormous appreciation for me and for the fact that I still love him and that I have not kicked him to the curb.

      What I am finally realizing after reading this blog (and others like it) is that there is this kind of sick, exaggerated relationship between affair partners. You can see it in their sickening correspondence… “I’ve never met anyone like you”, “you are so beautiful”, “I can’t wait to be inside you”, and whatever the fuck kind of banter they throw back and forth. I only found one set of text messages between my H and his slutty business partner, and it was pretty benign compared to, I’m sure, the years of conversation that went on between them. Like him texting “I’m on the plane now” then her..”just close your eyes and i’m right there next to you”… then him “and you’re beautiful”… her again…”what are you doing now?”… him…”I’m at the Admiral’s Club.”… her… “Oh, what are you drinking?” him…”Tanquerey and tonic, down the hatch!” Gag.

      I guess I should be grateful that I didn’t have access to anything other than our cell phone bill records. On that, I could see the pattern…he would travel for business. And as soon as he left the house, it would begin. Back and forth. Text message in, text message out, to her number.
      And like you, RMM, sometimes I go back and look at those phone records, the calls and the texts, and the hurtful reality that I hardly ever saw MY number in those records. That I was home, waiting for him and being the loving and faithful wife, and he was sharing the love that belonged to ME with her.

      I am sorry that you read those messages. It takes such a long time to undo the damage that discoveries like that create. I did, unfortunately, find on my husband’s computer three quasi-porn shots he took of her in some hotel room. Talk about trying to get some bad shit out of your head!! But I had to shift my thinking on that one. She looked so pathetic, lying there with her legs spread, looking like some kind of sick rag doll. In that moment I realized; she is not beautiful, she is not even sexy. She is desperate for this man, my man, to love her, and she will say and do whatever it takes. And ultimately, he never was in love with her, though he was wildly intoxicated by the attention. That is what creates the affair fog, this mutual admiration society that these cheaters lavish upon each other. But It. Is. Not. Real.

      Sending love and healing and a big hug to you. You… we… are strong, and you will get past this.

  5. Wow, reading this took me right back to the days I spent sorting through boxes of emails spanning 5 years. They had to be put into order and matched up into the full conversations. It was also needed for court, but in this case custody. It was so painful. I didn’t get emails of desire, these were emails documenting five years of lies, threats and extortion. They did answer my questions. I knew without a doubt that he would never go back to her. (Sadly there was another woman I didn’t know about at that time)

    I think its good to read it all and not have any questions left. The questions will eat you alive. I’m sure the nausea will pass. I hope you can continue on your path to a stronger marriage.

  6. Tearing-up reading this blog entry & the replies. I stopped reading the blogs a little while ago because I thought they may be hindering my attempts at moving forward. However, I appreciate that as good & loving women who have at some point been so under-valued and treated as worthless by our husbands, we share a common bond & mutual empathy.

    I can truly understand you going through all those e-mails. I would love to know what my husband and his side-pork said /e-mailed /texted to each other. You wonder why you exposed yourself to that which will stab you in the heart. I think it’s because nothing you can read can be worse than what you imagine it could be. And there’s always that faint hope that it won’t be quite as bad as you imagined.

    This is an enormous bump in the road road and I wish you strength as you clambour over it.
    x

  7. For me the need to know details of certain events and trying to protect myself from potentially awful truths are still battling within me. I still have this weird protectionism towards my husband and I try not to make him feel worse than he does…how crazy is that? The affair was an intense 8 years with someone I thought was one of my best friends and we spent almost all our free time together. He left me for her but 3 days later found out she’s a whore who has spent her entire adult life slutting around with her husband’s consent and he left her…her husband welcomed her back and they’re busy tricking couples again…I thought he was one of my best friends too. It’s been 3 years and I’m still in a lot of pain….my husband came home 2 years ago.

  8. phoenixrisingk says:

    Somehow, I missed this the first time around. I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing. This post triggered me like crazy. I spent nights up at 3 and 4 o’ clock in the morning reading and re-reading the Gmails and Google chats between my husband and the OW, sobbing as I read that he felt he might be “settling” for me and our marriage. That he might love her more than me. Wondering what would’ve happened if they’d met 20+ years ago, if they’d be happily married and “fucking each other’s brains out every night.” This is so, so hard. I’ve thrown these things away, shredded them so I’d quit looking at them, picking at my scabs. Hugs to you, to me, to this whole sad club.

  9. daphne3631Anonymous3631 says:

    I do not understand some things–
    while having the affair, why do men reassure the wife that they are not and try to hide it?
    Ok they maybe doing this to get best of both worlds and not loose the comfort of home but why do these womencut the phone when they hear the wife on the opp side? I hear some OW say that they never asked the man to leave the wife and blah blah so why are they here ? atleast women who are waiting for the man to leave have a logical reason but women as these? where the man is tellling them that they must cool the affair off for few months and these women agree? why? what are they thinking hten and what do they want?

  10. daphne3631Anonymous3631 says:

    I would have never stayed if I red something like this even years later… I am sure he is still cheating with someone else. this much disrespect even as a lie is enough for any dignified person to leave even if you are halfway thru the healing process bcuz this man is definitely not worth it. someone who had lied like this right on my face would never be forgiven.

  11. I'm The Prize says:

    My only shot at looking at the communication between my husband and that whore he had his affair with was the pre-paid phone he used after I found the 700+ texts they had between them in one week.He tried to convince me he was talking to her and her husband (his best friend) because the were having “marriage problems” (they sure were, his “friend” was pimping out his wife to my husband hoping that he’d take the crazy gold digger off of his hands since he couldn’t afford to divorce her). After everything was exposed I confronted him with the fact that I knew about the other phone (stupid dropped the receipt for it on the carport). I told him to bring it to me. Well, he wasn’t THAT stupid because he brought it to me IN PIECES. That ruined any chance of seeing what he really said to her. Should she read this I’d like her to know that it does not mean I have no proof of the affair. I have that in abundance, including the emails that she and her husband sent him for the 6 months following the affair. Don’t think I wouldn’t use them if I felt the need. Oh, your meme at the end of this post is perfect. 2 1/2 years later I’m still connecting dots and no it doesn’t make me feel better but worse. He had best not do this again, in any form, EVER!

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