Deep thoughts

I just came across a quote that read:

“If I could do it all over again, I would still pick you”

It got me wondering, if, knowing what I know now, whether I would have married my husband if I knew then that he would have cheated on me. What about you?

I adore my husband. He has so many great qualities and we fit together well. He’s sensitive, compassionate, cleans, likes to cook when he has time, picks out great gifts, celebrates small victories like they are big, takes time to ask about me, genuinely listens, compliments me, is gentle, is a great dad, is smart, ambitious, determined, has great character, likes to travel, enjoys the same food as me, makes stupid jokes, is handy, is selfless, usually puts me first….

You’d almost think he was the perfect man, and you’d be right…almost. Lets not forget the reason for this blog and the behavior that preceded it.

So it made me think hard about whether I would have married him, considering how perfect he is for me, how much I love him, if I had known in advance that he would have been unfaithful. The answer is no. I wouldn’t have. I would have licked my wounds, turned my head and walked away. I would have cried. I would have been sad. I would have missed him. A lot. I would have grieved. I would have questioned whether I’d ever find love again. I would have second guessed my decision.

What this means is that the betrayal and the pain it has caused are larger than the love I felt. It speaks to how much pain this has caused in my life and how much torment. The pain and hurt has caused so much damage that I would have preferred to not have loved him in the first place to avoid having had to experience it. I’d give up all of the love we had, all of that perfection, to avoid the experience I’ve had.

So, why then do I stay? I had to ask myself how I can, on one hand, say that given the chance I would have chosen “no marriage” if I’d been given a crystal ball, but on the other hand choose to remain in a marriage. I think there are many reasons for this:

1. We have history
2. We have children
3. We’ve both invested a lot into “us”.

In the time we’ve been together, two people turned into five. We are raising kids who need both parents. But, more importantly, the decision to never get married in the first place would have come before we had a deep history, before the kids, before the mortgage, before the 3 houses we’ve owned, before four pregnancies, one miscarriage, family trips, family triumphs, family deaths, challenges, victories, sadness and laughter. In the end, what we have today is a story. What we had then was only a first chapter. It’s easy to put down a book after only the first chapters because you aren’t yet into the meat of the story. I guess I want to see this one through. I’m not the only one writing this story, and I am not in control of where it goes. But I’ve come too far in the book now to close it. Who knows, I’ve known lots of stories with a downturn in the middle, which ends up having the happiest of endings. I just hope I can now find mine.




  1. Better Off says:

    Sounds like your book could still be a best seller. It seems like you have things back on track..maybe a little different and it wasn’t what you expected, but sometimes the best books have a surprise ending. I love your blog and even after five years and a divorce, I would have loved a chance to write the ending to my marriage. It was taken away so abruptly I always felt like I just wanted to get the last word. I just feel like it is unfinished and the last page needs to be written.

  2. I feel the same as you, except we have 5 children, so two became seven. But had I known then, what I know now? What he was capable of??? No, I would never willingly put myself through this.

  3. I never would have married my husband either. The pain is just too great. I lost my dad 5 years ago and I would rather re-live that over and over again then go through discovering my husbands affair and OC. It will be 2 years since DDay in January and I still struggle almost every day with the loss of what my marriage was and could have been. It’s gotten better but it still hurts so much.

  4. Agree with you all. I wouldn’t have married him either. Our children have adults and hate their father for his behavior so I haven’t remained with him because we’re raising kids together. However, I met him when I was 17. I’m 51 now and we’ve been a couple for 33 years. He is such a part of me. In some ways we’re like one person. How then do I cast him from my life? Sure would like to sometimes, but the foundation and the ties are way too strong. I guess I’ll see it out for now. Good luck to you all. xo

  5. I blogged a post once about how does infidelity compare to death/loss. I have to say that it is so much worse than death because of the intent behind it. It’s a choice to have an affair, where as in most cases, it’s not a choice to die and it isn’t with the intent to hurt those left behind. When one has an affair, there is always pain and destruction taht is purposefully inflicted. No, they dont’ *want* to hurt us, but they *know* that their actions will and still make the choice to do so.

  6. letterstotheotherwoman says:

    I swear I could’ve written this. I can’t tell you how many times I’d said earlier in my life about other people’s infidelity situations, “If that happened to me, I’d be out the door so fast…”. (Almost as many times as my husband had said, “An affair is the last thing you have to worry about.) Then, it happened to me after kids and a 22-year history together, and getting out the door wasn’t as easy as it had seemed. And SB, the post about infidelity vs. death/loss, is right on, as well. We expect people we love to die. We don’t expect them to betray us.

  7. My husband’s first affair and the OC happened between my two kids. She was 7 mo pregnant when I became pregnant with my 2nd child. If I knew what had happened then, I probably would have left and wouldn’t have my daughter. Would I have stayed when I found out about the OC if I knew he was involved in another affair at the same time? Would I have waited patiently for him to return home if I knew that she followed him to jobs out of state?

    What would I have done…if I knew? See, I never seemed to know what I needed to know in the heat of the crisis. Now I know so much. What will I do now that I know? Hell, I still can’t say for sure. No one really knows until they are standing in the middle of the fire.

    Yes some deep thoughts. And my first thought was about one of my favorite bits on SNL when I was younger. Deep Thoughts

  8. tentativelyhopeful says:

    I remember being unsure about whether my husband was the one after we were already married, but yet somehow we built a life together – what I thought was a happy/content life. We grew into each other and now were are 3. If we didn’t have our daughter, I’m not sure I would still be trying to make it work – I can’t speak for him…. It hurts that we weren’t enough and he sought satisfaction outside of us. Yet, when I read about the statistics of affairs, it seems like more couples experience affairs than not. Only a small percentage of people actually talk about it. How many people don’t actually know that their partner is having an affair? My husband certainly seems to have thought that if I never found out about it, it wouldn’t have affected our relationship. Yet, I did and so did all of you. We are left to grapple with what it means to each of us individually and as couples – maybe even to the state of marriage.

    • I’ve often thought that if we didn’t have three small children, I would have asked him to leave. I would have kicked him out while I worked on it. I couldn’t. I couldn’t put my kids through the rocky road of daddy not living at home, and making then worry. They didn’t deserve the uncertainty so I kept it quiet. Looking back, if we were without children, I might have just started over.

      • tentativelyhopeful says:

        I agree. Seeing my daughter’s reaction after my husband told her what he had done (basic info she’s 15 and knew something was terribly wrong) was enough to persuade me to work towards reconciliation provided my husband makes an honest attempt and breaks off all contact with the OW. But, if it hadn’t been for her, I would have asked him to leave (at least temporarily) while I tried to figure out whether I wanted to stay in our relationship. I know that sounds harsh, but children create a bond that is worth considering. Our daughter will be out of the house in less than 4 years and I hope that our relationship is stronger by then.

  9. I would not have married my wife either. Within the last six years, both my younger brother and my father have died, my mother and father in-law have split (they are somewhat together again) and my wife committed adultery with a guy she met through facebook. I have fought for almost 3 years for my marriage and family (2 boys). We are still apart and I have lost hope for reconciliation. If you have not experienced this horror in your own life, the screaming, shattering pain cannot be explained fully enough. The gold in this though, is I have begun a closer walk with God and I am a much better father and man than before. I still fail and will in the future too, but the love God has for me, and for all of us, can never be taken away, by anyone. Yet, if I didn’t marry her, we would not have our boys, who I love more than my own life. I hate the “in-between.” I read somewhere, most people enter marriage as a contract, versus a covenant. it’s true.

  10. I apologize if you’ve already talked about this, but I have a question. If you don’t mind me asking, were you and your husband having sex regularly prior to his infidelity?

    • Absolutely you can ask whatever you like!

      My husband and I had a regular sex life together prior. Now, that being said, the year prior to his affair, I’d just had a newborn baby, so I was parenting three children with limited help, and not sleeping, while also dealing with the trials of keeping a household, working full time and being involved in my kids’ school so I was pretty tired. That being said, we spent regular time together, snuggled on the couch, watched movies, had date nights and dinners out. It’s part of the reason I didn’t see it, and was so shocked.

      Now of course his OW sent me emails mocking me that I was frigid and that he was having sex with her and not me when in reality that wasn’t the case. Now, we’d slowed down, and weren’t as regular as usual, but we were both spent. Funny thing is that in the year after the OW had a child, I’ll bet she wasn’t feeling terribly sexual, being woken up several times a night and parenting alone unless she was one of those whose kid slept through at 6 weeks. Mine was 2 years old.

      • I apologize about asking for specifics, but exactly how often is “slowed down”. Also, how long had you been married at the time? Thanks again.

      • I think it’s hard to compare our situations as you are male and I am female. I have been betrayed and you are contemplating betraying the woman who loves you.

        For us, I can’t recall specifics. I have never been one to count or compare. I just know that we slowed down by more than half during the 1 year preceding the affair due to kids and babies and life. During his affair though, he had more interest sexually which isn’t unusual for men in affairs.

        All I can say to you, as a woman who walks this journey is please leave her before ever cheating on her. The pain is worse and although you aren’t getting as much sex as you want, I hope that outside of the sex, you still find value in the woman you married, and that you don’t want to purposefully cause her pain. It isn’t even a matter of whether she would ever find out or not….you’re committing an act against her that really can never be condoned. You have many choices and cheating shouldn’t be on the radar. My husband got a kid and a $4k per month burden for life. He’s take a lifetime of no sex to erase the burden. Seek counseling. Talk to her. Communicate. Ask. Take risks. Keep trying. Work. Work. Work. Never give up for the cheap thrill of blowing your load with someone just so you don’t have to wake up and change your underwear when you’ve gone to bed unsatiafied, as you claim. It’s not worth it and you’d hate yourself for doing it. Would you want it done to you?

    • To cheat or leave,
      Show your wife your blog. If what you say is true and you love her, show her your blog and get some outside help. You’re at least wise enough to identify the problem, and it seems that no woman has set her sights on you.. yet….Timing is everything and affairs happen so easily. Unless you want to shatter the woman you claim to love, open up and TALK to her. Guaranteed, if all of our husbands weren’t cowards and fools at the time and just talked to us about what they were experiencing, there wouldn’t be a need for blogs like this.

    • I think your question is valid, and I know that it comes from a place where you are at in your marriage. You are lacking the sex you want, and are thinking of straying, so you are asking for a comparison in order to justify through my husband’s actions, why an affair might also be likely for you. The truth is that affairs are much more than sex. Men cheat for various reasons, and yes, sex can be one of them, but it isn’t always, and it isn’t in isolation. Affairs are the result of opportunity meeting vulnerability. Your vulnerability is that you are desperate for more sexual connection, and your wife isn’t providing that for you. This makes you vulnerable to an affair, as soon as opportunity presents itself. Injecting communication into the equation is a sure-fire way to prevent an affair from happening. Having honest, deep, connected conversation around your feelings will help the situation. You both need to be open, and honest, in order to move this forward. You are deluded if you think you can fix this by:

      1. straying
      2. burying your own needs and sacrificing your happiness
      3. not talking about it, and hoping it goes away

      You are early into your marriage. Marriage is a long term commitment, and I acknowledge your fears that if this is the frequency of your sex life now, and you are disappointed, that you are only going to become more so over the years, and your resentment will build. Talk to her.

      Show her your blog. If you don’t think you can, because it will be admitting to feelings you are ashamed to be having, then you are already living in secret, and betraying her emotional trust in you. SHe counts on you to come to her when you have feelings that sacrifice the relationship you share. If you are withholding, you are preventing her from being able to take the steps necessary to fix the problem. Many betrayed spouses will tell you that part of our upset lies in the fact that we weren’t brought into the issues, we weren’t given a chance to help, we weren’t consulted, and we were ultimately left out. My husband sought support and solace from someone who was more available than I was. She was around him more, she shared the same work role, she understood better than I did. But, had he told me what he was going through, and asked me to help, and TOLD ME THAT HIS FEELINGS WERE MAKING HIM QUESTION INFIDELITY you can bet I would have perked my ears up and listened. She needs the wakeup call. You both need to talk. Give her that chance, and show her the greatest love of all – that you trust her with even your deepest and most scary thoughts, and let her help you both come to a resolution together. Please don’t cheat on her. Please do the right thing.

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