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How could he do this to me, and claim to love me?


Often times,  I hear betrayed spouses say “How could my spouse have done this to me?”, and “S/he must have known this would devastate me, how could s/he do this on purpose?”, or ” S/he says s/he never stopped loving me, despite having had an affair.  How do you love someone and simultaneously hurt them so deeply?  How is that loving??”

Those statements are familiar, not only because I have heard them time and time again from wounded spouses, betrayed by their partners, but also because I too have asked EACH ONE OF THOSE QUESTIONS at one time or another.

The pain of infidelity brought on by a spouse’s affair has been described as one of the worst emotional traumas that a person can experience.  If you just caught yourself debating that statement in your mind, and posing death as a more painful trauma, you’d be close, but wrong.  In death, those left behind, except in the case of suicide, know that the person who left them did not do so on purpose.  In an affair, the person who suffers the loss is caused to suffer due to the purposeful actions of another, worse still by the person who vowed to protect their hearts forever.  It is a truly indescribable loss and betrayal that you simply can’t fathom or appreciate unless it happens to you.  When someone causes you to suffer such pain on purpose, and with intent, the damage is really immense.

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Of course, upon discovery of the affair, the first thing we wrestle with is the dissonance that arises when we consider that this pain was caused intentionally through the purposeful behaviour of someone we love, and who purports to love us.  “How can someone love me, and do something so ugly to me?”.   The simple fact is, affairs are completely selfish acts, where the person embroiled in the affair is NOT thinking of you, the pain their actions will cause you, the consequences of their actions, or whether they should reconsider in light of your feelings.  They are motivated completely selfishly by the benefits that the affair brings THEM.  For the time being, the world is revolving around them, and for a brief time, you do not exist.  Hurtful to think, but completely true based on the many reports from wayward spouses who report their experience. Affairs satisfy an emotional gap left open by vulnerabilities in the wayward spouse’s world.  Passed up for a promotion, the loss of a parent, a recent move, addition of a new baby into the home, these experienced, not dealt with and perhaps even minimized in the mind of the wayward spouse, grow and are soon tenderly placated and soothed by the adoring and admiring words of another, who reflects back to him/her the reflection of themselves they wish to project.  The affair partner, then, becomes a mirror to the wayward spouse, reflecting back only those positive qualities in themselves, and none of the stressors and reality that come with real life.  It is a fantasy and it feels really good.  It feels so good in fact, the wayward spouse starts to seek it out, the thrill like a drug, the  fringe benefits well worth the effort to cover it up and hide it.  Who the affair partner is, what s/he looks like, how they perform in bed, what they say and do don’t really matter – it’s how those things made your partner FEEL that made the difference, and I can guarantee that while they were deep in the throes of self-esteem-seeking, they were not thinking about you, your pain, the possible outcome.  They were selfishly only thinking of themselves.  It is akin to a drug addict, who just needs a hit – the tunnel vision showing them only the drug, the finish line, the goal.  Everything else falls outside the line of focus, at least for now.  So, when a spouse says, “I wasn’t trying to hurt you”, s/he probably wasn’t.  What s/he WAS trying to do was unhurt themselves, and you were collateral damage.

One of the things that used to drive me INSANE in the wake of my husband’s affair was that he used to say “I never stopped loving you”.  Knowing that my husband had been intimate with another woman made me feel as unloved as a human could possibly feel.  I had no value, no worth.  I wasn’t worth loving if he chose to do that to me.  I was unworthy.  Claiming that he never stopped loving me felt like a slap in the face each time he said it.  He’d say it with a expectant tone, as if I would hear it and magically understand that he was right, and I shouldn’t hurt over it.  PARDON ME???!!  How do you claim to love someone so deeply while thrusting your penis into another woman?  How do you love me while creating false email addresses to hide your tracks and telling the other woman that you love her?  “How is that loving me?”, I’d thought.  He would explain it as “compartmentalization”….that he had an ability to put me and our family out of his mind completely when he was with the other woman.   When he’d start to feel guilty, he would justify why he deserved this, why it was OK, and even why he thought I would be ok with it (yes, he rationalized that one).  He wasn’t thinking of me while he was with her. He had his phone turned off, and he was disconnected from us.  It was weird to consider that notion, because part of me wanted him to be thinking of me, and the other part didn’t.  If he was thinking of me, then I held at least an equal share of the OW’s power, I’d think.  However, if he was thinking of me, it also meant he was doing this to me with willful knowledge of me, consciously.  It was a lose-lose, and I hated it.  It was only once I had the opportunity to sit and talk with Brian Bercht of Passionate Life Seminars, and his description of what was going through his mind, that I realized that it was possible and that my husband “may” be accurately describing his experience, and not lying about it.  That was a big step forward for me.

It is hard to imagine, but our husbands don’t think of us during every moment of every day. I like to think that he does, and often play the playful “Did you think about me today?” game when we finally connect after work over the phone or in person.  Of course, then I want to know how often, what he thought…he just can’t report that because he doesn’t remember and just doesn’t think of me as often as I would like to think that he does.  He certainly wasn’t thinking of me when he was seeking her out, and if I popped to mind, I was rationalized away pretty fast.  It is amazing what the mind can do, and what you can allow yourself to do, and focus on, at the expense of all else.

We would like to think the pain the affair would cause US would have been a deterrent to the affair.  It simply isn’t.  The pull towards filling whatever that gap is, is so strong, that it trumps all things.  It is pure selfishness, unbridled.  They seek only to satisfy themselves, without thought or consideration of other people.   It’s the same reason why knowing that sex can lead to STD’s and unwanted pregnancy doesn’t stop horny teenagers from engaging in unprotected sex – the urge to fulfill their own immediate need blinds them, and their tunnel vision shows only the reward, not the sacrifices along the path.  It is the same situation that arises when one, addicted to food and what the food represents for them, gorges themselves with it, knowing full well that it is making them sick.  They do it anyway, because for the time being, it feels good.  The guilt will come later, but it will be rationalized away…”that’s the LAST time…”, or “I just needed it this one time because…”

Nothing set me off more than when my husband would say to me “I never stopped loving you”.  It was such a slap in the face, in the aftermath of the affair.  How dare he put a tender word like “LOVE” into his affair?  How dare he equate loving me with betraying me?!!?  It made no sense and would anger me incessantly.  He just didn’t understand why I would become so enraged when he’d say that.  He really believed it to be true and was trying to make me feel better.  So why wasn’t it working?  My next post will highlight how I showed him through a simple exercise why, and why he never said those words to me again.  Loving me was no longer part of that equation, and showing me how he loved me from that day forward was going to make the difference.

Stay tuned.

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Comments

  1. I started doen the road to forgiveness when I realized that he didn’t do this TO me. He did in IN SPITE of me. That subtle shift allowed me to release some anger and also release my hold on a victim mentality. It’s not easy – our egos protest this thinking – but it can help us become more compassinate in all areas of our lives.

  2. I could have written this post… My husband has told me he loved me more than anything and that he thought we had a great marriage. Insane

    • I too, relate to these words. My husband says he never stopped loving me. He says he tried to end it twice. He said “the relationship was built to end,” and I told him that doesn’t make me feel any better. In fact, that made me more upset.
      Stilllearning2b…. Very poignant that you write he did it in spite of you. It’s just hard letting o of the idea that he can act in is life in a way that leaves me and the kids out.

  3. Thank you so much for this post. I have been on both ends in my marriage and this really helps

  4. tentativelyhopeful says:

    I really love this post because like many, I too heard, “I never stopped loving you” from my husband. I wonder how could he cheat on me and profess to still love me. It’s a great cluster mind f**k. As best he can, but less eloquently than how you’ve explained in your post, he agrees that he too was looking for ego kibbles and validation outside of our relationship and it was a powerful draw! He also used to turn off his cell phone when he was with her so that my presence would never be felt during their rendezvous. Out of sight, out of mind.

    • exercisegrace says:

      Ego kibbles…LOVE THAT. It’s exactly what lured my husband down the path. He loved the attention, the adoration, the ego stroking. He loved how she made him feel about himself. It really was never about her, she was nothing special. Anyone could have filled the role she played. I could not compete with someone who ONLY told him good and positive things about himself. Constantly pumped him up. Here in the real world, there are bills and sick kids, and garbage to be taken out and dirty laundry left on the floor…. I would have had to be a doormat to ONLY praise him and ask nothing in return.
      I HATE it when he says he never stopped loving me. Hate it. Because I feel very UNloved by what he did and the choices he made. But grudgingly I believe that HE means it. Some part of him knew it wasn’t real, it wasn’t what he wanted. That is why affairs never last.

  5. Thanks for this, I have asked myself (and my husband) over and over how he could say those words! I also ask if he took his wedding ring off when he was with her (he says he didn’t). It obviously didn’t bother him to see his ring while carrying on a physical relationship (refuse to give credit for anything else) with the OW. Good days and bad, but hopefully one day this will all pass.

    • Hi, Mel. My husband kept his ring on, too. The affair partner begged him to take it off. He wouldn’t because “he might have lost it and you (Ingy) would have noticed.” It was simply to protect himself from discovery that he kept it on. The insanity of it all never occurred to him. Now we carry the insanity around instead.

      • I understand the mind frame of the husband about why he did this mst of the time
        One thing which is still not clear to me are these affair partners. I mean, what do they get? why do they ask the man to remove the ring seeing he is not leaving. Why do they end the call when they hear the wf eon the other side? those women who are waiting for the man to leave appears logical but these women who are working equally to hide the affair? why? what do they get? Why do they ask him to make another acc. to talk to them when they see husband is not leaving?
        Those who compare it to the behavior of teenagers, I want to ask them- Is this the difference btw adults and teenagers? Adults are supposed to be mature. Teenagers hardly have any responsibility while so many lives depend on the husband including his own children? how can they do this to them to just get the fun of taking risk?

      • I believe that these affair partners are fundamentally broken people. Trying to understand them and their actions is about as fruitful as trying to unlock the mind of the mentally ill. It’s brain-twisting. What do these women get? Thrill of the chase? Feeling of having wooed a man away, albeit temporarily? The hope that maybe, just maybe he will leave? There are two kinds of women, if you look at it simplistically. Women who want and need love in their relationships, and those who just want sex for sex and could not care less about whether they are first, loved, cared for, or cherished. The first type will want the man to take off his ring so that for a little while, she can enter the fantasy and pretend he is all hers. The ring is a reminder to her that she is second, so removing it makes the fantasy more real. They say they don’t want him to leave his wife, but most do. It’s rare that a mistress doesn’t ask him to choose. If that’s the case, it’s just that she falls into the second category described above. She doesn’t need the relationship. She doesn’t need to be valued. She is just in it for the fun. She is a prostitute really.

        What do they get? Eventually they get nothing, since few men leave their wives. But during the affair, she has hopes that she might be chosen and she will engage in a lot of twisted and manipulative tactics, including demeaning the wife, elevating herself and getting pregnant on purpose to tip the scales.

    • Exercisegrace says:

      Speaking of rings, does anyone other than me have a hard time wearing theirs? It means very little to me. He broke every vow it stood for.

      • My husband wanted to replace mine. I couldn’t get it off as I weigh about 15 pounds more than when we married. I left it on…and then when I was able to remove it, it now signifies more. It feels like I’ve come full circle.

      • I took mine off the day I found out about the affair, it burned my hand and meant nothing as what took from me and i felt like i was nothing. At last I now ache for the feeling of commitment again, but I’m scared as hell that it’s not really real. He says he still loves me and will do anything to make it up to me. I’m willing to try. We’ve been together for almost 36 years but the last 3 years he’s been with another women off and on. It kills me inside. It’s only been almost 6 weeks since I found out. On the 9th of February is our 36th anniversary . I’m not sure what to do anymore. I so love him with all my heart, and I am so angry every day at him. I just don’t always let him know.

      • Toomanytears says:

        Speaking of wedding rings as so many people have in older posts I just found this site. I have never worn mine again I explained to him he doesn’t deserve for me to wear it since he’d basically stayed single our whole marriage and someday if I’m ever willing and believe he will mean his vows I will allow him to marry me again and I will wear the rings after that.. As far as his rings he never took it off but given that he had a ten year affair and muttiple affairs of all sorts online/phone sext emotional affairs I felt his ring meant nothing and had never stopped anyone from being attracted to him. I couldn’t stand seeing it knowing he had touched his mistress with it on, she was married too. I made him throw it away and I bought him a new one since he insisted he would wear one everyday to prove his commitment to me.smh We have been in counseling since day and he has committed his life to Christ and we attend church marriage classes but I am still struggling to forgive him for ten years of deception. And I still don’t know if I willl ever believe he loved me when he married me or if he even does now he scares me, is it just more lies . I just pray to have gods protection for my heart not to be shattered again.

      • Broke beyond words says:

        Toomanytears : this is exactly what is happening to me. Sexting with strangers AND people we know. A year long affair that he lied about from day one. All this he did for 6 of the 10 years we have been together. And then AFTER he came home and swore he loved me – that’s when I found all the pictures and nasty messages and ecards about loving her. Then I found out that even recently he looked up a “happy ending” Asian massage parlor and went there! His phone shows he went 3 times, he swears he went once and didn’t get the ending. He has lied for so long (and ONLY admits up to the point of what I have proof of. I can’t believe anything he says. We are in counseling too, but he won’t talk to me. Says he can’t because looking at me reminds him of how he hurt me. He promises to do things that I asked him to do to prove he is being honest now (I don’t even know if is capable) but then there is no action. Just more broken promises and excuses. I’m devastated. Now he cries and says he loves me and wants to save our relationship, but still no actions to back up the words. I’m so torn and tired. Our counselor told me to get tested for STD’s. He said my health is at risk and I am in shock. I just feel so alone.

  6. Have you all heard of a sad and pathetic eblogger called …theperfectmistress.com? Apparrently a Toronto based stripper that has decided to prey on athletes. My friend’s firm is about launch a serious crusade to have her words squashed once and for all. As a Mother of three, I realized how sad and lonely this girl must be. Once her looks head south, and no amount of surgery will ever help, what will she have left? Certainly not self worth, accomplishment, friends, worldliness. What a hollow sack of a human being.
    It’s amazing google won’t shut her down. Savannah Raye seems to be disgusting filfth. Colt Knost a SMU Tour player is involved introducing her to the prey.
    As women on the other side .. her blog represents the other. It is amazing how rich we are compared to that.

    • exercisegrace says:

      I had not, but looked it up. This type of woman amazes me. But at the core, most affair partners have the same attitude. If I see it and want it, I will take it. I don’t care about the wife, the kids, their family, the in-laws or anyone else who depends on this union to work and last. They just move in for the kill. And yes, our husbands choose to participate. I am not letting them off the hook. I just am amazed at how low someone’s self image must be to take table scraps instead of finding a truly available man!

  7. Did your husband have unprotected sex with the mistress? I don’t understand how or why anyone would do that…

    • Yes he did. Not the entire time, but towards the end, after their relationship had been on for a while. He knows better. So does she. Asking why they did it, is like asking why teenagers do the same thing, despite knowing the risks. Because it feels good, and lets face it, it is just an added layer to already risky behavior in the first place. It was stupid and he deeply regrets it. It was the dumbest thing he has ever done.

  8. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    My ex-husband also fathered an OC from an affair. RMM, you & I have different AND similar experiences. I love your blog!

    • If you are on Facebook, email me your name and I will add you to our Facebook page for betrayed spouses dealing specifically with an OC 😉

      • betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

        I will do that, RMM (I do have a seldom-visited Facebook page); but I’d like to first introduce myself to you on THIS forum (because I trust this blog forum more than I trust Facebook):

        I am an African American grandma. In 1981 my physically and mentally abusive cheating husband deserted his family. After fathering an OC (a baby girl) with one affair partner (I forgave him for that affair, after he begged and pleaded for my forgiveness), he left me for yet another affair partner whom he later married. He left me pregnant with our third child (a girl), as well as our 2-years-old and 1-year-old sons. Having low self-esteem at that time in my life (and therefore not realizing that I was actually better off for him leaving), I was absolutely devastated and ashamed. (My parents were happily and solidly married for nearly forty years until my father died in 1995, and divorce made me feel like the “black sheep” of the family [no pun intended]. My mother is also now deceased.)

        Despite all the negative things that had occurred in my marriage, I loved the ground my husband walked on, and I literally wanted to die after he abandoned us. I knew, however, that I had two baby sons and an unborn daughter to live for, and that fact was the ONLY thing at that time that kept me breathing. I worked full time as an administrative assistant and raised my kids. They are now 31, 33 and 34; all have attended college; my sons are married w/ children of their own; my daughter is an unmarried [by her choice] and childless businesswoman (“you go, girl!”); and all of them are successful. My three children’s sister is an adorable woman who is now in her 30s, and my children love and have been very close to their sister for over twenty years. (She’s also one of my Facebook “friends.”) However, although my children love their father (of course they do, because he is their father, after all, and always will be), they have told me (AND him) several times through the years that they DON’T RESPECT him, due to his past behavior toward me and his betrayal of me (and our children). My children have told me (AND their father) that they love AND respect me, and hold me in high regard for how I survived the life-shattering heartbreak and calamity that was forced upon me by their father back then.

        It wasn’t easy raising three children alone by a long shot (I remarried after they were grown), but with God’s grace those childrearing years were the very best times of my life! (BTW, my children’s father -– my ex-husband -– who left me for wife #2, is now with wife #4. Go figure.) 😀

  9. The post is very well written. Given the fact that it was written by the betrayed spouse, I myself would have never found courage inside me to justify the affair and write anything like this.

    But I also feel that all this ego boost etc. are very flimsy excuses.
    Like the above who mentioned that the OW made the husband feel special by telling him positive things, why don’t husbands understand one thing?
    that if they improve their habits, their way of living in the house and to behave like an adult not like a kid themselves, even the wife will appreciate them? THe other woman sees the man who is clean shaved but it is the wife who sees the mess in the wash basin.
    Men say that the wife is too busy with daily chores to have fun things. why don’t they make an effort to reduce her work burden by helping her with kids or kitchen so that she has time for him? doesn’t this thought cross their mind that even she maybe wanting out from this mundane routine?
    No, instead they themselves act like kid demanding all time and then blaming the wife, having an affair, invest their time and energy somewhere else making marriage all the more worse. Why don’t they realize that the effort they put in to hide their tracks and have the affair, if they put even half of that time and energy into marriage, they would not need an affair?

    They say they like time OW’s undivided attention but they will not put effort such that the wife can give her the same undivided attention.
    No matter of excuses can justify an affair. There are people called COUNSELORS who can help you deal with your personal issues.
    People who have affairs are purly selfish. They will communicate their heart to someone else but not to the wife which can actually solve their problems.
    and this compartmentalization is just another way of their egos to make them feel justified. If this was the case with me, if my husband ever did this – removing the ring, setting phone on silent etc. That would be it. Its like gambling where they gamble the children,wife and future just for the sake of some thrill for selfish pleasure. I wouldn’t want such a father for my kids. ts better they grow with a single mother than with a father who is so coward that he cannot deal with his issues. wht will he teach his children.
    All these are excuses when they get caught. They weren’t feeling guilty and the statement, I nevver stopped loving you is another lie to get in your good books so that they can initiate another affair after the dust is settled. Creating another account and saying someone sles I love you, A man who is capable of lying so much, I can’t imagine how much he would have lied to me. That would have been the end of my marriage. My kids would have not lived with a liar.

    • I agree with your perspective. Somewhat. I don’t find my reasoning “flimsy”, but it is mine that I own based on my own experience. There are many men who claim they didn’t love their spouse, they just wanted out. They sought out an affair. That’s not my experience, nor the kind of affair my husband had.

      Your comment that you don’t think you’d have had the ability to write the post…I think people can be amazed at what they can do, and how they react when faced with this. I am stronger than I ever thought possible. I can endure more than I thought I could. I have learned tons about myself, him, us, and even her. Most importantly. I’ve learned that I have a capacity for forgiveness that I never knew. Forgiving isn’t condoning. It’s choosing to no longer be ruled by something. And, I can truthfully say that I don’t know if I could have survived this had my husband not done all the right things from day one to make this right. It was never made my fault, I was never silenced, he was never impatient with me, and as a result I am fully healed. I know he won’t do this again. It’s not who he IS, it’s what he DID, and his mistake doesn’t define him, or us. We move forward.

    • exercisegrace says:

      Because affairs are so wrong, and so harmful to those involved (including the children) there really ISN”T a reason that is right or strong. ANY reason someone gives for cheating is flimsy, because in reality there are numerous ways to obtain help and avoid an affair.
      Daphne, I don’t know what your story is, but I can tell you that it is truly hard to say how you would react until you are actually IN a given situation. If you had asked me four years ago what I would do if I found out that my husband had had an emotional and physical affair that lasted close to two years, that MOST of it occurred in OUR HOME, that he involved her in our business, that they spent the night together multiple times on business trips, and on and on….I would have said I would leave so fast your head would spin. In truth, I am not willing to throw away thirty years together over his stupidity. And I say that meaning that he is remorseful over what he did, and is in counseling individually and with me, to try and fix things. You truly never know what you will do, and what you are capable of handling until you have no choice.
      As much as it pains me, and I DO struggle with the idea, he says he never stopped loving me during the affair, and I believe him. I don’t like that, but his actions mostly bear that out. Men are good at compartmentalizing what they are doing.

      You mention not wanting such a father for your kids. I can understand that. But what I hope my kids learn from all of this is simple. Good people make mistakes, better people forgive them. Marriage is a commitment. You don’t walk away when you reach the part of the marriage vows that say “for worse”. I am trying to teach my kids the power the forgiveness, God’s grace in action. That love really can overcome so much.

      To paraphrase RMM, we have all made mistakes in our lives. We have all, at one time or another, hurt someone. Infidelity is huge and horrific. But it doesn’t have to define ANY of us. I don’t want to live my life as a “betrayed spouse”. That isn’t who I am. He cheated but he is not a cheatER.
      We are working on the tools that will make our marriage stronger, help us communicate our needs better, set stronger boundaries, and whatever else we can do to affair-proof our marriage.

      If you truly never want to be in our situation, my advice is don’t foolishly think your relationship is immune. That it could “never” happen to you. Our marriage was a good one, and we were happy before the affair. After thirty years together I thought WE were immune to affairs. All it took was a perfect storm of life stresses, and a woman who pursued him aggresively (by her own admission) and he took a fall. Blessings to you!

  10. Actions speak more than words
    No matter what he says, his actions are opposite. Such husbands, whenver they sorry, know that they are sorry that they were caught and when they say they will never do it again, know that they mean they will hold the affair more discreetly next time.
    @resuingmymarriage
    I would like to know your story. where can I read it? I also want to know how you are doing now
    You mentioned that your husband even rtionalized that you may think that what he was doing was right. Can you reply what he said? I want to hear it.

    • My story is here from the beginning. Start there. It is all documented. The ups, the downs. The affair was revealed in march 2010. I started blogging one year later on the anniversary.

    • Actions do speak louder than words. That is also true in the recovery period. A man can say he is sorry, but does he live like he is? Does he take the right steps? Do the right thing? Make the right choices? If nothing changes with him, and he doesn’t seek to know and understand why he was drawn this way, what he was lacking emotionally that he was trying to fill, then what is the point? A man needs to want to change, to express remorse and to SHOW remorse. He needs to heal his wounded spouse and that is a tall order in the face of shame when most want to push it from existence and pretend it didn’t happen and ask their spouse to “forgive and forget”. Mine didn’t do that. You can read about his work and mine throughout the blog. Start at the beginning. It will help you make sense of my choice.

  11. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    RMM, I want to tell you that I ADMIRE how you have handled the egregious betrayal of your husband’s affair that resulted in an OC and in VERY, VERY expensive financial obligations for that innocent child as the result of that sweet child’s PSYCHOTIC mother (your husband’s former affair partner, who’s bitter because your husband RIGHTFULLY chose his wife and family over her – even after she PURPOSEFULLY stopped taking her birth control pills so that she could become impregnated by your husband [who was stupid and irresponsible, of course, for having an affair in the first place AND not using a condom to boot!]).

    Unlike MY first husband, however, YOUR husband seems to be a very good man who made a very bad choice (to have an affair – whether an OC had resulted or not). You are one classy lady, RMM, and your husband is an EXTREMELY fortunate man to have you as his wife! (Thankfully, your husband has enough sense to recognize the gem that he has for a wife!)

    If you are interested in knowing more details about this grandma’s philosophy (based on my life experiences and life lessons), please read my rather extensive comment to the darling woman (my heart goes out to her) who posted a “homewrecker” expose’ about Jessica Brochu Snowhegan, Maine/New York, at the “She’s A Homewrecker” website. 😉

  12. I have read the initial post and comments and can identify with many aspects….I am now 4 mths later still coming to terms with my husbands affair ( he called it , just sex, not an affair, said no feelings were involved) and no matter how many posts or websites I have read , none seem to give me the answers I am looking for to help me move on.
    I kicked him out as soon as I found out as I am one of those women who cannot forgive infidelity no matter what….In my case we had been together 23yrs….and most of those years I spent putting up with his drink problem, and his paranoia that I was cheating on him, which never happened. He was convinced I was interested in other men because I stopped having sex with him whenever he drank. I could not stand it; he was not aggressive but stupid, he would fall asleep after two drinks….we could never go out because he would drink before we even left the house and then when we got out after a couple more, we would have to leave because he said he needed to go home….this was the routine for our social life. It got so bad I stopped drinking myself ( I stupidly thought if I don’t drink it might encourage him to stop) and I only drank occasionally! He got done for drink driving…..would be asleep when I got home from work and the kids would be running around the house….stayed out all night drinking with his buddies….this went on until I said no more….I decided to move back to Ireland ( we were living in the UK) …then he begged for another chance…so he came too…then after 6 mths here, got done for drink driving again…..carried on drinking…thankfully kids are now grown up and doing their own thing….I threatened to leave so many times….phySical relationship non existent….asked him to get help…again…..so what does he do? Has an affair with a work colleague….someone who he always told me he couldn’t stand at work…..i only found out 4 mths ago, he told me because she had a baby and said he was the father….but he’s not ( I insisted on a dna test…). Although he was willing to accept her word for it…..I’m so sorry to have gone on so long, but I had to give some context as to why I am feeling the way I am…..to get back to the initial point of my reply….he has constantly said how much he still loves me and always has, how sorry he is, how he wants to come home….but I cannot forgive, no matter how many posts, websites I visit for help…..I really want to be able to forgive him, but I could never reconcile with him….he is attending counselling now himself back in the UK and said he will do anything to make things right, but I know I could never trust him again…as much I would like to think he is genuine in his remorse, I cannot get past it.
    I have stopped all contact with him now, as having contact only upsets me more and I am still very hurt and angry, so while I would love to be able to get to the point of saying I forgive you, I don’t think I ever will. It doesn’t help either that the stress waiting for two months for the results of the dna test was so bad I ended up having a heart attack and am still in recovery now….and he is emailing me asking me to help him with job applications! I feel like he is just walking all over my feelings again…..
    I would really love to know, why do I feel guilty for saying no! I was always the stronger one in the marriage and always had to look after all the day to day financial affairs, but he has been gone 4 mths now and knows I will not take him back….so what do I need to do to help me move on and if necessary him too..?

  13. Truly-Hurt says:

    Because of my husband cheating I feel worthless I have no self esteem. I feel as if my world has crumbled. I love this man with all that I am. I believe in my heart you love me the same. I’m still with him because I still love him. I pray to God everyday if this never happened to me again. The pain is too strong it’s unbearable.

  14. I have just found out my husband of 21 yrs has had an affair with my best friend. Our bridesmaid . Unprotected sex. As a result my children found me locked in the bathroom with razor blades to my wrist. I can’t deal with the overwhelming pain.

Trackbacks

  1. […] post comes on the heels of an earlier post, where I discussed how a husband can have an affair, and claim to still love his spouse. […]

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