Advertisements

Debunking the myths of infidelity: revisited


Through the comments section on the previous post, I linked to one of the first posts I had ever made on the myths of infidelity. Many have emailed or commented that they enjoyed it, so I thought I would repost it in case it is timely for any of this blog’s readers.

**********

In both my reading on the topic of infidelity and in my casual polls taken among friends, it seems there are many myths that come with the territory of infidelity. Some of these myths are held by women, some by men, and some by both. Some are held by mistresses, some by wives. I’ve learned a lot this past year, and thought I would go over some of the more popular myths that exist and debunk them.

1. Affairs only happen in unhappy marriages.

While this does tend to be the reason why women cheat, it doesn’t usually apply to men. Men who live in very happy, sexually fulfilling marriages have affairs. For women, this is hard to understand because we equate love with sex, and if he is having sex with someone else, he must not love me. Believe it or not, this isn’t true. I wouldn’t have believed it a few years ago, if I hadn’t been on this journey myself. I am sure his affair partner felt that he loved her. As a woman, her paradigm is to believe that sex=love and so he must love her. False. He did, by his own admission, tell her he loved her in the midst of an orgasm, something he immediately regretted as the blood flowed back to the brain that has the higher functions of reasoning and intelligent thought. Idiot. I digress…

Women who are unfaithful have usually already fallen out of love with their partners, and have emotionally disconnected. For many women, then, they feel they can justify their behaviour because to them, the relationship was already over – even if he didn’t know it yet.

Men have the ability to compartmentalize sex and love. The two can coexist together, as they do when a man loves his wife, but they need not coexist all the time. Men can have sex with a woman for the sake of the physical release it will bring, and nothing more. Men don’t have to find her beautiful (although it helps if you have something nice to look at), and they don’t have to find her intelligent. If you are the mistress, and your relationship isn’t a deep emotional connection, but just sex, then chances are he isn’t looking for you to satisfy his need for intelligent conversation – you fulfill a very basic need- sex. That’s it. You might as well wear a t-shirt that reads: “Have Vagina, will travel”.

2. Men cheat more than women.

As a society, men tend to be more outwardly sexual in nature than women, so we have an easier time justifying men’s behaviour when they stray, and assuming that they do it more often. Men’s brains are very different from women’s, and they are hardwired to sexually pursue QUANTITY, while women look for QUALITY.

While the stats for infidelity may be tipped slightly more in favour of men, it is the REASONS for the infidelity that differ. Women cheat because they are no longer satisfied in the relationship. What was once a satisfying relationship has lost its glimmer, and it is safe to say that most women who cheat have already emotionally abandoned their primary relationship. With men, this is not the case. Men can be completely satisfied in their relationship, having frequent and great sex at home, and still take the opportunity to get a little more on the side, if the opportunity presents itself, and there is a low likelihood of getting caught. He may be getting fine dining at home, but a little dessert would also be nice….especially if I won’t gain weight.

One key thing to realize is the different ways in which men and women view sex, and how these views allow them to cheat for different reasons. More on that in a future post.

3. An affair is about sex.

An affair involves sex, but it is usually never ABOUT sex. People don’t seek out affairs to get more sex, or to have better sex. Sex is simply the natural progression that happens when someone seeks out a new relationship with someone of the opposite sex. For men, sex is like a sport; something you enjoy that invigorates you, makes you feel energized, potent, alive. For men, there need be no emotional connection whatsoever, and it has very little, if anything to do with love or emotion. We’ve all heard someone say “He’ll have sex with anything that has a pusle”, and for many men, this may very well be accurate. Men simply need an outlet, and who it is, or what she looks like has little bearing on why she was chosen. Men don’t need love for sex, or sex for love – they need sex for sex. Whether you are beautiful or smart won’t really matter….whether you are sexually available at the time will have much more of an impact.

So, if affairs aren’t about sex, what are they about, and what purpose do they serve?

Often times, men report that it wasn’t the sex that made them stray. It wasn’t the beauty, intelligence, warmth, compassion, or personality of the woman he strayed with. It was something about how he was FEELING while he cheated, and how the other woman made him FEEL when they are together. The rush and the exhileration of knowing that they are doing something forbidden causes an endorphin rush, which amplifies and creates a rosy glow (can you say rose-coloured-glasses?) over the entire relationship. She probably showers him with compliments, boosts his ego, tells him how smart he is, how powerful he is, how strong, fit, and capable he is…something that perhaps his wife doesn’t do as much as she used to now that their relationship has settled into a comfortable pattern. Just like women need and want continuous feedback that they are valued, men also need this, although most won’t admit it. They want to be told they are attractive, sexy, a great lover. In marriages, however, we settle into a pattern of comfort and security and no longer shower each other with these compliments, even if we DO feel them. I guess the difference is that when women need to hear it, we find ways of encouraging our lovers to tell us, while men feel foolish doing so. So, if a man is feeling needy for that kind of attention, he may never provide any clues. So keep the compliments flowing…that is even more important than being sexually available – it tells him he’s important to you, that you love him, and that he still ignites that spark for you.

4. If a man is having an affair, it is due to a deficiency in the wife, aesthetically or sexually, and the mistress is seen as superior in these areas.

While this will always be the case for SOMEONE, it isn’t the case most of the time. As per the above answers, men aren’t looking to improve upon anything, and having sex with the mistress didn’t mean there was a competition in his mind between the two. Just like sex and love are mutually exclusive, so are the wife and the mistress. So, if your husband cheated on you, it doesn’t mean he didn’t and doesn’t love you. If you are a mistress to a married man, just because he is having sex with you does NOT mean that he loves you or wants to be with you long term. You’re scratching a temporary itch, and yes he is having sex with his wife and enjoying it, which brings us to the next myth:

5. A married man engaged in an affair isn’t having sex with his wife.

This is completely false, although I am sure most mistresses would like to believe it. Most affair partners are shocked to discover that the man they thought they were ‘stealing’ and ‘one-upping’ from the wife is actually engaging in regular sexual activity with her. In some cases, he may be having more sex with his wife than with the mistress – she just doesn’t know it. Married men sleep with their mistresses and return home to their marital bed every night. They snuggle in with their spouse, they say “I love you” before rolling over, they hold each other in their sleep. In fact, because an affair boosts a man’s self esteem so much, many have reported returning home from their rendez-vous with invigorated, excited, and ready to make LOVE to their wife. Therein lies another main difference….he fucks the mistress, he makes love to his wife. It makes sense because that is what each relationship is based on – casual meaningless sex vs sex for love.

Now that isn’t the case in ALL extra-marital relationships. Some marital relationships may very well be on the rocks, and a man MAY turn to a mistress to satisfy the sexual needs that aren’t being met at home. But, this isn’t ALWAYS the case, and certainly wasn’t the case for us. We are very much “in love”, exchange kisses each morning before we part ways for work, affectionately greet each other when we return at the end of the day, find reasons to tell each other that we love one another, exchange playful sexual advances like we did when we were dating. But, I would wager a bet that his mistress wouldn’t believe it if he told her. In fact, he DID tell her, and she didn’t believe it. She accused him of being delusional, and then painted her own story that matched what she wanted to believe.

My husband made every attempt to paint a very clear picture for her about what this was for him. “This is only about sex for me”, he’d said. I was shocked to hear him say that because this isn’t something that I ever would have imagined him saying. My husband is one of the most emotionally sensitive men that I know, and he very much equates love and sex….when it is between US. “I love my wife”, “I love my children”, “I love and want my family”, “I don’t love you”. All of these comments were met with resistance. Resistance to believe that it could be true, when all of the signs she was seeing were pointing to the opposite. I can’t blame her for thinking that – she is a woman and we equate sex with love…and that belief gets both the mistress and the affair partner into trouble inside their own minds when evaluating the affair and what it really meant.

In Shirley Glass’ book, “Not just friends”, she writes: “A distraught wife said to her husband, “How could you do this to me? You always looked down on those men who had affairs and broke up their family.” The husband replied…”I was always committed to you. I never once intended to leave you.” She was enraged. “What do you mean you were committed? How could you be committed when you had sex with another woman?”. He answered, “It never meant anything” (Emphasis added)

6. If a married man is having sex with his mistress, he must love her. If he isn’t having sex with his wife, he must not love his wife. He has chosen the mistress over the wife.

If I have learned any ONE great truth out of this whole year of discovery, it is that the differences between men and women are staggering. We are so vastly different, and the ways in which we see and evaluate relationships is remarkably different. We can’t evaluate a relationship with a man through OUR eyes, because our eyes are female. The opposite is true for men. We simply aren’t hard-wired to understand it from their perspective. Sometimes it takes a crisis to propel you to a place where you are forced to look at it, examine it, and understand it, and for that I am thankful to have had that opportunity – it has been life-changing.

When I first learned that my husband had had an affair, my initial thought was “he doesn’t love me anymore”. For women, sex and love go hand in hand. Women want to feel love in order to have sex (prostitutes and manipulative mistresses are the exception…but even then, deep inside they long for a loving connection too). If we feel love, we will have sex, so if a man has sex with us, it means he loves us – right? Wrong. Men have sex for sex. It has nothing to do with love or emotion. Men have the ability to compartmentalize sex into its own category, and love and emotion are not required. A man can have sex with you without feeling an ounce of love. A man feels no guilt about engaging in loveless sex because the two are mutually exclusive. This is why he can have sex with the mistress and still LOVE HIS WIFE.

Once I learned and understood that he was capable of separating the two, it became much easier to understand his perspective and regain the faith that he may still love me. There was a chance for us after all.

7. The mistress must be more attractive/smarter/more fit/more beautiful than the wife.

This is rarely the case. In all of the reading that I have done, rarely is the mistress more beautiful than the wife. Sometimes she is younger, but usually not prettier. Because women fret about their appearance, and because we know men are visual creatures, our first fear is “he found someone prettier than me”. This is rarely ever the case.

When my husband first made mention of this woman at work who was now working closely with him, my first comment was “oh a blonde woman working with my husband, should I be worried?”, said with a smile. He replied with: “Oh goodness no, absolutely not, she isn’t even slightly attractive to me”. Now, of course you are thinking “well he told you that at the time because he was DECEIVING you”, and I would agree, except that he still says it now. When we talk about what led him to being with her sexually, he is stunned that he ever strayed towards her. He doesn’t find her physically attractive or sexually attractive, he has no memory of what she looked like naked except for the fact that she had breast enlargement surgery and corrective surgery for inverted nipples. He remembers these things because he found them odd, and yes, my husband prefers natural breasts thank you. The sex was “nothing special”, “not very good”, and he doesn’t remember any details about the actual sexual interactions they had together.

According to Shirley Glass, in her book “Not Just Friends”, she states that “outside observers will speculate unfairly and ignorantly that the betrayed wife must have been inadequate in the bedroom.

8. Once a cheater, always a cheater

This is one where there is no absolute answer. Heck, there isn’t an absolute answer to ANYTHING, but this one is truly variable. Because men cheat for various reasons, the things that keep them cheating or not also vary. If a man is incapable of fidelity, and has an inability to commit, then yes, he will likely re-offend. When the infidelity is the result of a deeply seeded problem within him, it will take time and commitment to reversing it. If it was an unfortunate set of circumstances that led him to make choices he normally would never make, or if he was in some way coerced or assisted by the affair partner into starting a relationship, that’s different.

When a man makes a pledge towards honesty, confesses the affair, and lays all of his cards on the table for scrutiny and examination, he has taken the first step towards earning back your trust. Instead of more lies and covering up, he has chosen to tell you, and that is a good start. When he chooses to enter therapy in order to better understand himself, you, your relationship and why the relationship was vulnerable to an affair, he is showing an interest in identifying and fighting the demons that led him down the affair path. When he listens, when he cries with you, when he takes responsibility for what he has caused and feels true remorse, and when he puts himself into your shoes to feel what you are feeling, and to grasp the intensity of the pain that he has caused, you can now say that he truly GETS IT. I would venture to guess that someone who knows the pain of infidelity from the other side, and who respects and loves the person to whom he is married, will not want to hurt her that way again…especially if he wasn’t aware, at the time, of the impact his actions were having.

Men can cheat once and never again. Some men are serial cheaters. Not all men.

9. Men initiate almost all affairs

Obviously in cases where the wife is the cheater, this doesn’t apply. This response will be directed to married men having affairs. I think it can be true that men will seek out an affair, but I don’t believe that a man wakes up one morning, and says “Today, I am going to seek out a woman whom I can engage in an extramarital affair”. It isn’t as much a CHOICE as it is a CIRCUMSTANCE they find themselves in. Men who find themselves in affairs, sometimes do, not because they were actively seeking it out, but rather a set of circumstances presented themselves in such a way, at such a time when a man was vulnerable to an affair.

In our case, my husband did not seek out his affair. He was ‘befriended’ by a woman at work, who soon became privy to the emotional turmoil he was going through. Casting herself as his “friend”, and as his “ativan”, she justified her overly-caring behaviour as part of her ‘loving, caring, compassionate nature’. Looking back at it now, my husband sees her approaches disguised as ‘friendly banter’ through a more informed lens, and feels conned. Interesting when the betrrayer also feels betrayed.

My husband’s mistress set her sights on him early, and he was a target. We are convinced that if it hadn’t been him, it would be some other high-earning professional in his office. She set her sights on him, knew what she wanted, and made it happen. She knew men love sex, so she outwardly professed to “never getting enough to be satisifed”, and how she would have sex “8-10 times a day if possible”. She catered to his male side, and painted herself as “every man’s dream”; sexually available, sexually interested, and no strings attached. Unless you define a purposeful pregnancy which resulted in a baby, an attempted collapse of your family, manipulative threats toward your family and professional mobility, and a monthly child-support payment “no strings”, you’re right on. Women who see what they want and go after it are very easily capable of igniting an affair with a man, as long he is in the right place from a ‘vunerability’ standpoint.

10. Infidelity means the end of a marriage.

I, and countless other women are proof that this is not the case. Don’t get me wrong, this is the hardest road I have ever traveled, and I’ve logged many miles soaked in tears, but I will survive this, and our marriage will be better because we’ve been through it. A compassionate and understanding husband who takes responsibility for his actions, open and honest communication, marital therapy to assist couples in communicating effectively and filling the potholes which made their marriage vulnerable – all of these things assist a couple in rebuilding the trust and intimacy of their marriage. I am sure at one point, or maybe even at many points, I considered our marriage to be “over”, unsalvageable, irreparable. With time I am starting to see that this affair, his infidelity and this crisis may simply be a catalyst for a new beginning.

Advertisements

Comments

  1. You’ve transferred all the anger that his affair engendered within you onto her, so that you can forgive him. Yet she broke no vows to you. honestly, I imagine I’d be the same way in your shoes, and yet, as a woman without a dog in this fight, and no first-hand experience with it, I can’t help but think it’s so ridiculous to hate “the other woman” when she didn’t owe you anything and your husband swore his fidelity. Yet women always hate the ‘other woman’…and that’s basically the crux of this post.

    • No, actually you need to read the rest of the blog, or perhaps just a little more so that you understand. I don’t hate the other woman for having an affair with my husband. I hate for all that she did AFTER disclosure to try and break my family, me, etc. Police intervention, stalking, purposeful hurtfulness, jealousy, anger and outright lies…slandering my husband and me, libel…you name it, she did it. Creating false lawsuits to extort money…it’s pretty incredible when you read the blog and read all she has done.

      Does she owe me anything? An apology. She broke no vows to me, but does that actually mean anything? People say that all the time. It makes no sense. She had no vows, but she knew we were married, and she knowingly stepped into my marriage and together WITH my husband violated the intimacy of MY marriage. Just because she has no vows to me…where does common decency come in people???

      • No she did not “step into” your marriage.

        He invited her in without a care in the world for you. Place that blame on HIM. Stalking, jealousy….all by products of HIS actions!

      • I have. It takes two. And yes, she did step in because she knew he had a family and children and she engaged knowing that. She could have walked away. She could have not gone for the bikini waxes and lingerie trips, she could have not made the threatening invitations “fuck me or I’ll tell her”. See all of those things were choices they both made. They chose together to get involved and both had the choice to say no. So when she knows he’s married, even if he were advancing on her (which he wasn’t according to legal records of emails and all correspondences it went the other way), there was a choice to step in and that choice was made.

    • I think it also bears mentioning, and is something people always neglect to consider is that while the other woman goes home and suffers only the loss of a lover with few if any consequence, the husband comes home to world war 3, the potential for divorce, discord, anger, sadness, chaos, etc.

      All of the above to say that the husband does the work, makes the amends, tends the broken heart, answers all the questions, and actively seeks forgiveness. The anger towards him grows smaller the more steps he takes towards righting the wrong. When the other woman does NOTHING, and instead creates MORE hurt, MORE pain, MORE reminders, and salts the wounds….she does the opposite and inhibits the healing.

      Is it really a wonder why my husband after having done all the work is loved and respected for standing up, while she isn’t? Why should she be? She’s done nothing to deserve my respect.

      • Scuse me but the other woman didnt hurt you as she had taken no vows or made no promises to you. Your husband did. She owes YOU nothing!! With an attitude of blaming her and forgiving him and going blind to his manipulation of you to deflect the blame to her, he may well cheat again if he is not doing it already. Apparently he lied to her. Just like he did to you!

      • You are quite obviously an OW yourself with comments of nonsense like that. This whole “she owed you nothing” nonsense is a hall pass card you try and give yourself to absolve yourself of responsibly to a wife whose husband you slept with. Surely you must understand that those actions aren’t ok, and that when you try and interfere in something that damages a union (whether you initiated or followed along) you’ve damaged someone else. Your actions have hurt someone else. No, she didn’t make vows to me, but I don’t need to have contracts written up with everyone to ensure they don’t steal from me…general modicum dictates they simply shouldn’t. Do I need a contract with her to protect myself from her sleeping with my husband?

  2. I feel like you dump the blame entirely on the other woman. It takes two to tango. Maybe in your situation she really was a conniving nutso, and from gist of your last reply, it seems almost definite. I would like to share something though. I was the OW in an affair situation a few years ago. I had no intentions towards the man initially. We worked together, he was radically older (18 years), and not my type. I was going through a nasty divorce, and he came to me with the guise of friendship. We got closer and he “related” to the marriage problems and even said they were separated (he and his wife). I was terribly naive about the whole thing to be honest. Then, I found out he was still with his wife and had another woman to top it off. I contacted his wife, she called me and the whole time he is going off in the background about how I am crazy and obsessed and whatnot. She calls me the very next day to say she knows all about what kind of person I am now, from her husband, and that I’m a lunatic who needs to leave them alone, i tricked her husband into sleeping with me, and that I’m a horrible person. It sounds like the woman in your case really is a lunatic, though, but in my case I honestly had no idea what was really going on between the two of them, and I never tried to snare or trap him. I genuinely loved the man and thought he was as separated as I legally was in my own messed up marriage. My point here is that cheaters say anything to get out of a nasty situation. He had her thoroughly convinced I was a conniving, brainwashing, succubus. The truth is we are all only human. We make mistakes, we feel disconnected, bored, lonely, unappreciated, scared, and unwanted sometimes. Some people go outside of their marriage to get fulfillment instead of fixing what is broken. I have no doubts the man who I was with loved his wife, as evidenced by the frantic yelling and attempt to win her back. He clearly messed up, and I hope their marriage goes well. I hope yours does, too, but holding resentment doesn’t help. You can’t really know what was actually said to her by him 100%, and surely she’s crazy but he might have promised her the world. It’s best to leave it as a mistake. No blame, no hate, since you’re trying to repair, I think. Holding hate for this woman only poisons your heart, hun.

    • This was an old post. My marriage is 100% healed and I have forgiven both my husband and the other woman. She is seeking further legal action to extort more money and harm my family. Despite this, my decision to forgive her stands.

      Yes there are all kinds of situations. In my case, yes I did get a chance to read all of their texts and emails. She had kept them all to blackmail him with and they became evidence in a court case. I saw every correspondence and so I can say for certain that I’ve read it all. She has also told me everything via every hurtful email and text. Now I’m quite certain she embellished to cause harm because most of what she added beyond what I knew wasn’t even possible. Literally ridiculous and desperate attempts to hold on.

      It sounds like you were lied to by a man who wanted his cake and to eat it too. The question becomes whether you would have ended things if you’d discovered he was still married.

      • I’m glad your marriage is back 100%! It’s nice to hear in a time of so many divorces. I’m sorry you have had to go through all that. I read your other reply as well. It seems like it when you go into affair initiation and the feelings during an affair especially but a lot of the post just feels tinged with distaste towards OW. It could honestly just be me though, as it’s a touchy subject since I was on the other side.

        My case was definitely one of “have your cake and eat it, too” I’m under no illusions otherwise and I truly believe that most going in to an affair don’t have feelings for the Ow/OM. In my case he certainly didn’t. The telling his wife bit was ending it for me. I made my mind up when I found out that it was not a situation I wanted to be a part of and honestly wouldn’t have even told his wife if he didn’t have another woman, besides me and the wife.

        Congrats, though! I wish you the utmost happiness and thanks for replying to my comment on an old post! Sorry for that by the way. I really should check posting dates. Oops.

      • I don’t mind replying to old posts at all. I said that only to let you know that I have long moved past the hurt as the post was an old one, but then reread the post and didn’t see where I expressed hurt or anger. Lol.

      • You are still very bitter. You may not realize this but your entire article is full of disdain, hate, and snide/attacking remarks directed at the other womandisguised as something else. All this while boasting about the now positive state of yoir marriage. Curiously, you speak for your husband, what he was thinking, and apparently he can do no wrong while you bash his mistress for everything down to her inverted nipples and implants. If she is seeking legal action, maybe she has a right….come on your husband created this monster. Dont keep defending him and bashing her!

      • You do realize this was written 4 years ago….

        “I am still bitter”.

        Really? Funny, I don’t feel that way.

    • It’s funny, I re-read the entire post that you had commented on, and I am not sure where I dump the blame entirely on the OW? Instead, I am debunking the myths that are popularly held by society. I am not sure where I stated that the blame falls on the OW?

      • Its pretty obvious you hated the other woman. Your undertones insult her physical appearance and her motives. But curiosly, you have spoken nothing but kind words about the person who really ruined your 100% healed marriage.

      • I’m guessing you have no experience in this arena otherwise you’d realize how you sound. When two people, equally responsible for a situation have the opportunity to make amends and come clean and repair, and one does…those efforts and the positive traits that allowed them to reach beyond the limits of their ego deserve to be recognized. It’s hard to admit you screwed up that badly. You have three choices:

        1. Avoid responsibility and run
        2. Take responsibility and stay
        3. Shirk your own accountability and further harm and hurt the one you’ve broken.

        He did all the right things AFTER disclosure. He stood up and made it right. She continued to stalk, harass, injure, and harm. Therefore please tell me who deserves the praise.

        Hell no one is praising him for his actions before or during. Screw your head on. I am giving praise where it is due for what he did AFTER and for telling me. He’s shown more character through how he has repaired it than he showed through his bad choices. It’s easy to screw up. It is not easy to make reparations. He deserved that recognition And I won’t take that back. But tell me what positive words she deserves, and how they are both equal now?

      • Are you suggesting I should feel positively about her when she’s made no effort to repair?

  3. oosie505@hotmail.com says:

    Hi there,

    Your blog has been tremendously helpful and insightful to me. I realize this is an older post, but I hope you’ll see this response, as I am seeking some advice. When I was 18, I moved to FL for college and began dating a man 5 years older than me. I surrendered many firsts to him (he was the first I ever loved, took my virginity, etc.). We had, what I saw as, a wonderful relationship. Fast forward two years – I come to find that he had a girlfriend, got engaged, and THEN married the whole time we were dating. He failed to tell me that little detail. He had selectively blocked info from me on FB, would hide all his wife’s belongings when I visited, etc. In retrospect, I was young and naive and ignored MANY subtle red flags, but he was so conniving/manipulative, it was never blatantly obvious to me nor anyone else he was leading two separate lives. Anyway, the heartbreak I felt was…almost unbearable. I was more upset that he could and DID do that to her, than his betrayal and use of me. It took weeks, but I tracked down her phone number, contacted her, and together, we confronted him. Sometimes, if only for a moment, I wish I had never done that…because the way he portrayed me as a “nice girl, but I was useful for nothing more than sex” in comparison to his wife, who “was perfect, gorgeous, had a heart of gold…the love of is life” still stings when those memories are recalled…

    Still, I stand by my decision to do what was right, as he was incapable of that.

    Anyway, fast forward 2 more years. I move into an apartment at age 22, and am finishing up school. A new neighbor moves in – he pursues more than a friendship with me quickly and aggressively. We’ve been casually seeing each other for months now (yes, sex is happening). He’s shady, but due to my past relationship, I try to approach the situation with an optimistic disposition, and give him the benefit of the doubt. I found out a week ago he’s been engaged the entirety of our relationship. I couldn’t believe. He was so careful, so discrete…hid it so well. At this point, I have his fiancee’s contact information…they will probably be married in the next 6 months. I want to confront her and tell her exactly what’s going on, because I truly believe she deserves to know the man she’s potentially committing her life to. Do you believe I’m overstepping my boundaries? What would you advise I do? I just can’t believe this keeps on happening. It’s almost surreal.

  4. One thing confuses me. You say your husband told her it was only ever about sex but earlier you wrote about some emails from him to the OW The content of those was obviously telling her that he wanted more than sex and that he understood the consequences of that. How do those parts fit together? How can both be true? I ask as someone genuinely confused- I feel I’m missing part of the story.

  5. The author of this post is clearly a very bitter human being who have failed as a wife to her cheating husband but rather than looking at her own failures that most likely the cause of her husband seeking gratification else where, she decides to cast the blames on the OW. Stupidity knows no shame and this is the type of wife that ended up firstly drove the husband to affairs, and secondly taken back the loser cheater. The OW has no fault in this whatsoever. She owes you nothing and have no need to apologize to you. You obviously failed to fulfill your role, you have failed your own marriage and clearly incapable of keeping your man happy. He cheated on you and will continue to cheat on you (if circumstances present itself again) because you are a stupid low life human being who just isn’t good enough isn’t smart isn’t interesting to him anymore. You are a bored and if not for possible financial consequences and children’s involved, and his own insecurities, he would rid of you in a heart beat. Yes, people make mistake, and his mistake was having married you. He married the wrong woman. You can believe whatever you want to believe and blame faults on the other women (yes, plural form) all you want, but you FAILED as a WIFE. And no, your marriage is no 100% OK as you claimed. It may seems that way, hey whatever float your boat, but that is not the reality. You don’t own him, and you have failed him, you have failed your children, you have failed your marriage. You contributed to the failure in a big way so stop writing post advocating hatred toward the other woman. Good for you that you are keeping your loser and a coward of a man who you call “your” husband. Congrats to you for the big win of a man who USED the other woman, heartless enough to DISCARDED her, and just to get back on your good term, teamed up with you, his LOSER wife, and attacking the other woman. And you have the audacity to think that you and your husband are better human being than the OW??? Oh please. You are truly delusional.

    • Wow SFY, I don’t usually post on things like this, but that was the most ignorant & hateful little rant I’ve ever seen. You have truly showed your ass. And one would assume from your defensive attitude that you are or have been the OW.

    • Sorry but I just saw this and can’t really even finish it. Thanks for the laugh 🙂

      • Sooooo you arent offering anything helpful as your title suggests. You are simply a venting, insulting, bitter, cheated on wife (with natural breasts, thank you). I get bitter. Discovering cheating is a life changer.

        Your husband is probably orgasming and telling another woman he isn’t attracted to in the least that he loves her right this moment. I dont like the idea of giving him a free pass ans bashing the woman.

        Thank YOU for the laugh.

      • Wow you’re a sweetheart. Laughing. Yes that’s supposed to make me feel demeaned right? I’m supposed to feel small and laughed at because you pretend what I said wasn’t worthy of being taken seriously. I get the games small women play, so you didn’t bait me there, sorry. And to suggest to a betrayed spouse and wounded woman (albeit I’m healed now) that her husband is repeating the act, that’s just injurious and says a lot about you. Maybe you need to read it again. Sounds like you’ve been on the other side of this.

  6. I need help. Please!!! Someone! Anyone!! Please!!! This March I will be married 24 years. 2015 was the worst year of my life!! I found out about my husbands affair. A co worker. In November he moved in with her. And I have had no contact with him at all. We were trying to salvage our marriage but his emotions were always up then down. This is NOT his first affair! He had two others that did not last long. He came back remorseful and crying. But this one is different. This time he has said he is in love!! But when it first started he asked me to forgive him and wanted out marriage. Then he would get distant. We separated and saw each other off and on! I started to feel like the other woman and asked my husband if he was still seeing her but he said no. Later I realized he was. Next thing I knew was she has got a house close to where he lived and he moved in with her and has not contacted me at all! Is it over??? He was putting money in my account for awhile but that stopped too. Our twin boys 22 now do not speak to him at all! My heart is breaking! I’m not sure what kind of affair this is. My husband was sexually molested as a kid. Hecalsobwayched his dad cheat for 40 years. I think my husband is a sex addict!! But he could also be in limerence! Or is he really in love! He was always do romantic, loving, jealous, caring, and gave me cards and letters all the time.,we both were saved and baptized! I just don’t understand his deceit now.,…please please help!!! Is this an exit affair? An addiction affair? I don’t know! Please help me understand!

  7. Wow you have the blinders your husband gave you firmly on! This whole article is written to boost your own hurt ego but the fact remains….he was unfaithful. Dont delude yourself into thinking she wasnt even “slightly attractive” to him. Many mistresses are more attractive than the wife and lots of times the cheating husband falls for her.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: