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Forgiving the other woman?


This about covers it 🙂

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Comments

  1. I’m not there yet.

  2. There are no redemption qualities found in cunning, manipulative pathologies that deserve human forgiveness. Psychopaths deserve no empathy or foregiveness b/c they have no remorse or conscience. I have just discovered that some “other woman” is now blogging about tactics of emotional rapists, basically an unhinged pot calling the kettle black. I wrote about it on my blog if you want to witness bat shit crazy ranting… Lol

    • The OW in my situation does not “deserve” forgiveness. I deserve to be free of her grip and her pain. Forgiveness does not mean condonation. It doesn’t mean acceptance, lying down and “taking it”, it does not mean agreement.

      Forgiveness is a decision a person makes in spite of the actions of another to no longer hold the actions of that person over their head and feed off of the pain that results. I am making a conscious choice to see her through the eyes of a human and not through the eyes of a victim. When I look through the eyes of my victim-self, I are someone who wounded me, someone who hurt me on purpose, someone who was deceitful and manipulative. I then feed hungrily off of the anger that I’ve just created through my own thought processes. She didn’t have to say or do anything, and I am all riled up. My day, and my heart is now beaten up by my own perspective.

      Instead I do this (this is just my personal experience of it, and what helps me):

      She is a child of God and for someone out there, she has value. What she did was horrid. What she continues to do is despicable. What she will likely keep doing is frightening and abhorrent. I feel sorry for her that her heart is in such an evil place that it manifests actions for her that are cruel and which inflict pain. What a sad place she must be in. It is not my place to impose pain and suffering on her. Either karma or some higher power will do so in time. I need only worry about me. I don’t need to consume my mind, my heart, and my soul with her. She doesn’t deserve the real estate, and so….I release her. I let her go. I forgive.

      We all make mistakes and hers have been epic. She hasn’t stopped and likely won’t. I can accept her flaws and know that they are beneath me. I can see her with pity. I can look at her actions and understand the place from which she chose to make them. She was a sad, lonely, emotionally empty woman with no self worth and no self esteem. These decisions she has made, have only further cast her into a deeper place of the same design. She likely is sadder than before, with less esteem and self worth and she wakes up to a pint-sized reminder of it every day. I wake up to three beautiful children who were designed and planned and made in love, and who are cherished and lucky and amazing. They have a father, a playmate, a guide and a confidante. They are fortunate. I have a man who wakes up and professes his love, and redeems himself of his mistakes. I too am lucky.

      How she is doing is no concern of mine. Whether she is good or bad, happy or sad, it doesn’t change how MY day will proceed. Only I can change that, and my perspective shift accounts for more than I allowed it to. I choose to release her from my mind. I choose to release her and her evil deeds from my heart. I can purge myself of the poison she infiltrated and be happy. I can wish the best for her and hope that one day she rises up in deed, in action, and in humanness and makes the choice to be a good person, perhaps seeking outside help to help her get there. I pray for her and ask that she be assisted in that feat. I also pray that none of her illness and poison be allowed to enter my life anymore. I am sure she will try again and I will be better equipped. I am bigger. I am better. I am stronger. I am smarter. I am purer. I am kinder. I am a forgiving woman and I can see her with kindness and authenticity. I can and do make the choice to free myself from her, and in that, I forgive her.

      I have thrived in spite of her. I have won, and will continue to do so. I don’t need to fear her retaliation. I know where it comes from and when it shows its ugly face, I know to return it to where it belongs and to who. I don’t want it anymore. I’ve held it too long and these arms which are tired from holding it are now longing to hold my children, something much more precious and valuable. I’m free.

  3. Problem with the OW in our situation is that she really wasn’t/isn’t crazy, just ruthless, calculating, morally bankrupt and classless. Says tons about my husbands judgement, eh?!

    • Men don’t have judgment in this situation. They lose perspective. It’s complicated still by the fact that they are being assisted in their decision by someone calculating who has an end goal so his “choice” wasn’t his alone.

    • Ruthless, reckless, obsessed, unrelenting, calculating, deceitful, morally reprehensible, blame-shifting, compulsive liar = PSYCHOPATH in LurVe. Psychopaths can’t be cured because they think nothing is wrong with their self-serving behaviors. All is far in love and war. RMM You may be through with her (and her past), but you better believe she and her past isn’t through with you. All i am saying is watch your back. Speaking from Experience. I forgave her the first time, (affair exposed, before her quest to have an OC via ART) She on the other hand will never forgive me. If she is free to roam the streets and has a gun permit, I am keeping the hounds at my borders

      • I’m sure she isn’t done with me, as I mentioned she will continue. I will simply change how I emotionally process her attacks. I will always have eyes in the back of my head. I think that’s unavoidable after something like this.

  4. exercisegrace says:

    RMM, you are much further along than I am on your journey, both time-wise and emotionally. I hope to gain your perspective someday. As a Christian, I grasp the fact that we are called to forgive. I acknowledge that we are all children of God, and he desires that none of us stray from who he created us to be. And that was not to be a selfish, bat-shit crazy, stalker-whore!! Three years ago my husband made some very bad choices. They came from a place of deep clinical depression, and brokenness inside of himself from his abusive childhood, and any number of vulnerabilities going on in his life. But they remain unilateral choices which brought someone into OUR world, who continues to hate and stalk and visit craziness into OUR world.

    D-day for me was ten months ago. I will readily admit to doing exactly what you described above. Feeding off of the victim-self. Allowing thoughts of her, them, what was done, said, etc. from the past, to wreck my present. And have the potential to wreck my future. That is not who I am. Like most, my husband “affaired down”. WAY down. I should thank him, it makes it easy to compare myself to her and see that I win in every category. She has absolutely no remorse for what she has done. Not even for the pain she has caused our children. She hates me because my husband chose to stay with me. She makes every effort to make our lives miserable.

    I am determined, that going into the new year, I am not going to give her any more of my thoughts or my time than necessary. I am going to focus on my blessings, and they are many! She does not deserve, nor does she seek, my forgiveness. I am not in a place to give it. I can still choose to let her go. To make her no part of my life. Going forward, I am going to make a deliberate choice to be happy, to forgive my husband, to trust what I am seeing him do and hearing him say, believe in his remorse and sorrow, and rebuild the joy in our relationship. Like you I know that I am stronger, smarter, purer and kinder. I want to rid my life of her poison. Now it’s time to live like it!

  5. Reblogged this on Healing After My Husband's Affair and commented:
    This made me laugh out loud. Yes, yes she is bat-shit crazy.

  6. named for Vera says:

    Kind of by definition, anyone who thinks that getting somebody else’s sloppy seconds is a good thing, or some kind of victory, is bat shit crazy,no? plus immoral, unscrupulous, totally lacking in anything that resembles integrity, self-respect, respect for others or….well, you know, human kindness or decency. In my case the POS/OW is not only batshit crazy, she trots around to reunions to pick up guys like they are johns or something–trophies, basically, or guys she couldn’t screw when she was younger I guess. The real kicker: she’s not only a physician, she professes to be a Christian–hence, I guess, already ‘forgiven’ for her sins, by the time she’s ready to commit another one…. a lovely layer of hypocrisy on top of the crazy. So attractive!

  7. takestwototango says:

    Are these unfaithful men just let off scott free here? Its all OW’s fault?

    • Far from let off Scott free. I think those men who repent and do the right thing and properly acknowledge their actions, take all proper steps to help heal the wound their actions caused, properly own their mistake without blaming the spouse and do the ongoing marital work to get back on track…that isn’t Scott free.

      Finding his affair on my own and then saying “that ok, you are forgiven”…with no action on his part…that would be Scott free. Read the entire blog. None of that happened here.

      My husbands affair wasn’t the ow fault. She didnt single handedly create the affair. She did pursue him, however, and talked often about how her best friend was dating a married man and it seemed “fun”. She also purported to be something she is not in order to appear more attractive to him, to seem alluring, to seem “worth the risk”. She got pregnant on purpose and how milks him for a whopping child support payment that she still isn’t “satisfied” with desire it being 10x the average.

      So no, the affair wasnt her entire fault. But her behavior since the affair has actually been worse than the pain caused by the affair itself. Read on.

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