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Sometimes it all feels worthwhile


Since March 2011, I have been pouring my heart out on this blog. I originally started the blog as a means to vent my feelings. I’ve always enjoyed writing, and it was my way to release the feelings that I so often kept bottled inside. Pretty soon, as the blog started to acquire devoted readers, I started blogging not only for myself, but also for them. I wanted my struggle to be something that beached out and touched others who are going through something similar. Knowing how I controlled websites for weeks in the aftermath of my husband’s discovery, I wish I had found something, someone story, something that I could relate to, that would give me hope, or illuminate a path.

Some people scoff at the idea of putting such personal details out there into the blogosphere. I do not identify myself, I do not identify the other woman, and I don’t identify my husband. Our privacy is completely protected, but our story is very real, and it is not her story alone. Whatever learned over the years is that many readers share my circumstances. We may not all have another child in the mix, we may not all have a psycho stalker other woman. But we do share the devastation of having lost our marriage, and the security in what we once thought it was.

I never know on a given day how many people this blog reaches. I know I have many devoted followers who have signed up to receive regular updates each time I make a blog post. Whether you subscribe to this blog, are whether you simply stumbled across it once and never returned, I am thankful for your visit, for your time, for your ear.

I received a comment yesterday on the blog that I wanted to share. Not every reader will troll through the comments section of each blog to delve further into the feelings of other readers, but some do. In the event that you don’t, I wanted to bring to the surface this particular comment, because it touched my heart. It reassured me that not only are people listening, but people are finding a blog helpful. The blog, I story, is providing hope for those who are just starting their journey, or who are well on their way.

Here is what she wrote:

Dear friend
I know you’re probably thinking ‘who is this woman calling me friend?’. I can reassure you that I am no crazed cyber stalker, just a woman who found out 4 months ago that her husband had an affair. I have spent hours in the interim period trawling the Internet trying to find answers to the questions that have plagued me since that day – September 25th 2012, the anniversary of my mother’s death coincidentally. I came upon your blog just a few days ago and read your recent one on deal breakers. After reading it I decided I needed to read the entire blog from the beginning to see what had happened to you. Firstly, I am so sorry that you’ve experienced such trauma. Secondly, I would like to thank you for your insight, your honesty, for sharing your pain, for your humour in times of great heartache, but mostly for giving me some perspective, some clarity and most of all some hope. I have learned more from you by reading every emotion that you have felt, I have felt every emotion for you and with you, than any of the books on healing after an affair has taught me. My husband is half way through reading your blog also and I have seen him in tears on many occasions – we both have. It’s allowing him to see things from my point of view without the tears and the anger that always come when we talk about it. There were many parallels between our experiences. I had my own disturbed stranger invading my world, sending me letters, making me look over my shoulder when hanging out the laundry. Then a so called ‘friend’ decided she would cause us more anguish and meddled in our marriage when we were already going through such heartache. She tried to split us up and created more bad feelings between us. I then found more indiscretions with regards to my husbands ‘other life’. A horrendous year culminated in the death of my father on New Year’s Eve. I was already grieving over the death of my marriage as I knew it, but now have to deal with the death of my father – as of today the funeral has not yet taken place. I have laughed with you, cried with you and sympathised with you. I know we don’t know each other but I just wanted to say thank you so much for all you have written here and that maybe calling you a friend over steps the mark but in the words of a kind, caring, compassionate woman “remember that there is always someone who cares about you and wants the best for you. I am one of them.” Stay strong x

I wanted to publicly thank you so much for commenting, for sharing your thoughts with me. It is heartwarming to know that this blog has reached you, and others, and provided some source of comfort during these horrendous times. In a weird way, knowing that my experience, my struggle, my journey, and my subsequent digital journaling here of the events has helped, almost makes the journey worthwhile.

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Comments

  1. Thank you so much for including my reply in your blog. When you’re at your lowest ebb, a small kind gesture can raise your spirits so much. There are no support groups for surviving affairs where i live so your blog has become a kind of support group for me. So (no pressure :0)) but I hope you’ll continue to blog :0)

  2. I’m afraid I don’t have a blog. I wouldn’t be coherent at the moment, my head is too messed up!

  3. I follow your blog and read it everyday. Love it. Thank you so much!

  4. Rescuingmymarriage, you were like a beacon to me too. When I decided I wanted to save my marriage. I loved my husband. He loved me. Your posts are like therapy sessions for us. We each read them and then discuss. He’ll tell me–yes, it was like that for me too or it was a little different. Regardless, it gives us new thoughts to discuss. Not just focus on the pain, but talk about how things began/what was his vulnerabilities and where we go from here.
    My friends on wordpress are the only ones who know about the affair beyond our marriage therapist and my massage therapist. It’s a safe place here.

    • Speaking of how important my MASSAGE therapist became lol….. she became my most trusted confidant, in case I turned up dead. She knew where the skeletons were. I lived in fear of the psycho-baby-mama for years. Our 2 hour sessions were more therapeutic than counseling. More bang for the buck ! I paid her big tips just for listening to me for logic feedback and to monitor my sanity. Like, WAS I nuts for loving my husband and daring to take the high road and rescuing my marriage ? Hmmm?
      I also have to credit all the friendly ears and shoulders I vented with at the SAKS Fifth Ave. cosmetic counters as I shared my infidelity saga during makeovers ! Retail therapy and massage saw me through when all my friends seemed to abandon me once they were told of my dilemma…

  5. your blog and feedback you ahve given me have been very meaningful to me. I wish my husband would read some of the blogs I read as well but he isn’t in a place to do that. I hope he will soon want to do what ever it takes to heal us as some of your husbands have. I pray for that.
    Thanks rescuingmymarriage!

  6. Dear friend
    My husband and I married in 2001, had our first child the following year and second 2004. Looking back we really didn’t have a huge amount of time to just be a couple. Kids and other interfering factors (such as my mother in law) from the start of our marriage have just pushed us further apart. I knew we were becoming just ‘friends’ but when I spoke to my husband about this he would just go into denial. He would buy me flowers or a piece of jewellery. He wasn’t understanding what it was I needed from him. It got to a point that every kind gesture he showed me was received with contempt. We were caught in this vicious cycle for several years and neither of us knew how to break it. It’s clear now that something big had to happen for him to recognise the issues in our relationship. I just wish it hadn’t been this! We have to try to deal with and come to terms now with the fact that he allowed a third party to come between and almost end our marriage and deal with all the other issues also. I still don’t know if we’re going to get through this, he’s done so much damage to our relationship, I don’t know if I can ever get to a point where I can forgive. Reading your story has given me so much hope. It’s given us something to focus on also. You can get so bogged down in your own quagmire of crap that you forget that there is a world out there with people who have worse problems than yourself.

    Another significant thing to come from your blog is that my husband has started his own blog! He’d spoken about it a couple of times in the last four months since I find out and I have seen evidence of scribbled notes here and there, but us both reading your blog has spurred him on to get it started and he made his first entry last night. I think sometimes it is easy to forget that the person who committed the act can hurt almost as much as the person they betrayed. He’s been in shock since the affair and I think he’s just starting to come out of the fog and see many issues that have been in our marriage from the start for the first time. Hopefully he will get some clarity from revisiting the events and revealing his feelings. And maybe he can help others in his situation like you have. His willingness to do this has given me huge encouragement. Your husband mentioned in a reply that he was emotionally immature. That resonated with my husband when I read it to him. He’s starting to recognise things about himself and I know it’s hard for him.

    We’re both struggling with this but we’re hopeful for the future :0)

    • Our Journey After His Affair says:

      Can we have the link to his blog – and yours if you start one? I’d love to follow!

      I am 1 year and 2 months out from D-Day, but because we made a huge move only a few months after D-Day, I feel that my recovery was halted in ways. So, it’s kind of like I am still at 7 months after.

  7. whyhaveanaffair.wordpress.com
    Sorry I’m not familiar with blogging etiquette. Wasn’t sure if ‘advertising’ someone else’s blog was ok. If this gets posted I guess it is, if it doesn’t it’s not :0). He’s literally just started it and I’ve asked if I can have input in way of a reply so some of my thoughts will be there too. I’m not sure how much help either of us will be to anyone as we’re only at 4 months post apocolypse but all we can tell you is our story and how we feel. I know reading Rescuingmymarriage’s blog has been really helpful for us so I hope we might be able to benefit you in some way :0)

  8. You spoke last post of your ‘deal-breaker’. Have you ever thought of your ‘deal-maker’ or your source of strength. To me your strength is your writing. You do it very well. It is your calling and it is some thing that cannot be ever taken away from you.
    Thanks for your post.

  9. Hi RescuingMyMarriage

    My wife (Bubsy, you made a reply of hers into a post) found your blog last week and read it all in a few days. She quickly suggested i should too and im glad i have

    I had an affair last August and the journey since has been very tough. Im not suggesting ive had it as hard as her – but it has been incredibky hard coming to terms with what ive done, the pain i’ve caused and the trust i’ve broken

    Reading your blog has been amazing. I see her pain every day – but its been good to see someone else in the same position who has documented it. I’ve cried at many of your posts – sometimes because of what youve been thriufh but more often because it sheds some light on what my wife is going through. Whilst being reminded of her pain is not easy, its essential that i understand how she feels and yiu have helped me a little towards that. I’ve laughed at other posts too – so thanks for bringing some humour to what is a tough time

    We are at a much earlier stage of our journey – but i hope we can get through it as you and yiur husband continue to do. Your blog has given us both hope

    Thank you again. I really mean that

  10. There is something really fantastic about reaching out to others, isn’t there? Bonding with those who have gone before us and those who are with us now and those who are just stepping into the trenches. I love it. No matter how different we are, I’ve seen that we are more the same than different. And there really is nothing like gathering in a band of the closest friends (even if they’re online) who share our same blood, who know the shoes we walk in.

    this is lovely.

  11. Natalie Ross says:

    Our journey has been very ugly. It’s started 12 months ago but the skank only left 4 months ago. I have serious meltdowns which only seem to make the wounds bigger. Hubby doesn’t handle it at all and wants it all to just go away and wishes he never did it…….me too….go figure!! I so want to see some light in that tunnel. I am so pleased that you are in a good place and thankyou for sharing your journey…it makes me feel normal…….so close to the edge sometimes but my autistic son keeps me here…….cruel things have been said and done to me as well as seeing the odd photo…eeewwwww…..too much to bare sometimes!! I want to save my marriage…is that silly?? She needs to leave the planet……………….I am tired of dragging my self esteem around behind me like a lost puppy………………..just want to be loved!

    Thankyou for your insight and inspiration……..sorry…having a real bad day!

    Blessing to you
    Natalie :\ xx

  12. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    Hang in there, Natalie Ross. You’ve got lots of support here! 😀

  13. Wonderful blog on the emotional roller coaster ride of emotions after finding out that your spouse had an affair, and another life without you. You have conveyed the hurt, frustration, fear, struggle, survival, hope, support and eventual progress towards healing .Not of just yourself, but what you have been able to provide to those on the same journey.

    Retired law enforcement officer and now Divorce Coach.. I wish you and your family hope and peace this year.

  14. I agree with Bubsy, you are so helpful. I haven’t read the whole blog yet, but I love what I’m seeing. You write in a way that shares the pain, but does not obsess with it. I am learning from you, while I start my own blogging journey. I tend to over indulge in the pain and have decided to try to limit the blogs I follow to those who are working towards a happier marriage than they’ve ever had. Thank you!!!

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