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Happy Birthday to my husband’s mistress


Yes, today is the birthday of my husband’s mistress.  “Why on earth”, you ask, “would you remember THAT??”

First and foremost, I don’t try to.  I have a tendency to remember dates and numbers.  Call it a curse.

But, before you get all annoyed at the fact that this date is emblazoned into my memory, it does bring about a funny story, so I will tell it.

I became aware of her birthday, likely because my husband was employing her at the time, and likely asked my opinion on what to buy her as a gift.  Or perhaps she had asked for the day off, and I became aware of it that way.  Whatever the reason, I can no longer remember the circumstances around HOW I became aware of her birthday, I just know that it is February 1, 1976.  Today she turns a ripe old 37.

A few months after D-day, probably 3-4 months, my husband drove me to the local market so I could pick up some items for dinner. With the kids in the car, I went into the store alone, leaving him to entertain the little ones.  I figured it was easier to get in and get what I needed unencumbered, without children in tow.  I stood at the checkout, my husband’s wallet in hand. I hadn’t brought my purse for whatever reason, so I was using his credit card.  It wasn’t the first time we’d done that, and I was well aware of his PIN.  I entered the PIN when I was instructed, and it told me the PIN was incorrect. “How could that be?”, I thought to myself.  I tried again, this time being very careful, as I assumed I had pressed an incorrect key.  Failing again, and the clerk staring at me like I had two heads, I quickly called my husband on his cell while he sat in the car.  “What is the PIN number on your credit card?”, I asked.  And firstly, I should mention, that his PIN number has always been known to me, and is the same as many of his passwords, so it was quite shocking to think that it had even been changed. “2176” he said.  “OK thanks”, I said quickly and hung up, so that I could be rung through and get out.  As I am waiting for the transaction to approve, I am thinking to myself “2176….what does that even represent?  Why would he select that set of numbers.  It isn’t our ages, it isn’t a child’s birthday….oh my GOD it is HERS!!” and I freaked out.  2-1-76….February 1 1976….her birthday.  Had he really changed his PIN number to her birth date?  Why would he go to such effort to change a PIN on an existing card if not to give himself a little reminder of her during the day when he would have to key it in.  Sickened and disgusted would be an understatement.  It was before I had started this blog, and that would mean that we were 3-5 months out – nowhere near healed but on the right path.  To say that I was re-triggered was an understatement.

I wanted to raise it, but I was afraid.  I wanted to confront him, but I felt stupid.  Why did I feel afraid and stupid?   I didn’t want to sit there across from him and have to watch him tell me that he had changed it on purpose, that the most memorable date that he could think of to program his PIN was her birthday…not mine.

I stuffed it down for as long as I could but as we drove home, I asked: “Why did you change your PIN?”.  He explained that he hadn’t changed the pin. The bank had issued him a new card, and that was the default pin he was given.  He simply hadn’t changed it.  I didn’t buy it for a second.  Me, the betrayed spouse, on hyperalert wasn’t having the woool pulled over my eyes again.  “Bullshit”.  I called him out on it because there was just no way.  We talked once the kids were no longer in the car, safely out of earshot.  He simply couldn’t understand why I was so upset about a new PIN.  He chalked it up to my pain…I am sure I was doing a lot of things out of character at the time, but he really wanted to know why this was such an issue.  I drew it out for him clearly:  2-1-76…..February 1, 1976 – “HER BIRTHDAY!!??!?!?!!”, and my husband’s face went quickly from a look of confusion, to a look of shock, to a look of confusion….he was dumbfounded.  He went rifling through some bank envelopes to show me the one where they created his default PIN….but alas he had thrown it out.  He wanted me to see he wasn’t lying.  He wanted to prove it to me, but couldn’t – the evidence was gone.  The look on his face, however, was enough.  He was as shocked as I was.  In fact, he didn’t even remember that her birthday was February 1st…only *I* had remembered that, and I remembered it because it had recently been included in the old emails he had given me access to.  He hadn’t changed the PIN, and he hadn’t selected the numbers.  It was sheer coincidence, but it was far from funny.

Now, of course, the nay-sayers who sometimes pop up on this blog in comments will say that he was lying.  That is OK.  You can think anything you like.   What matters is what I saw, and what we did with that information.  My husband was remorseful that such a random event had triggered me, and he understood the reason.  He promptly went to the bank and changed it.

This morning, as I drove to work, I was reminded of the date, and because I don’t forget details like these, I remembered it was her birthday.  For some reason, dates and numbers stick in my head.  I can tell you the birthdate of every past boyfriend, the date we got together, the date we broke up….I can’t NOT remember it, as much as I try. I think that having a negative association to a date just makes it stick around, and not wanting to have a negative association to her birthday, I offered her this birthday wish as I drove:

“I sincerely wish _______ a very happy birthday today.  I hope her day is filled with happiness and love, and that those who choose to celebrate with her remind her that she is loved, and that she has every reason to focus on the good things in her life.  I hope that she has a good day with her daughter, and that being surrounded by those who care about her raises her self esteem, fulfills her, and lets her know that she is loved, today and always”.

I smiled as a drove after that, partly because I had buried the negative association but mostly because I knew she would never do the same for me, and let’s face it, I enjoy being the bigger person 😉

**If this posting date confused you, yes I did back-date the post.  I started writing it on her birthday, and stopped writing halfway through as family matters took precedence, so I finished and posted it today**

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Comments

  1. A betrayed but thriving Wife says:

    I had a similar experience. Not with a PIN but with his password to a lot of accounts. Over the years, they’ve always been a variation of the same(something special to the both of us that referenced our names and anniversary). Once he left, his passwords turned into *insert mistress’ nickname*2011.

    That was such a blow. I’m glad your husband didn’t purposely choose that PIN. Knowing that my husband actually sat at a computer and inputted that crap is a shock. I’m pretty sure he’s forgotten it by now, but I never will. Like you, those things have a way of sticking with me.

  2. Wow! Hooray for you…. I loved reading this and not for one second do I not believe him either. I know exactly what you mean about people thinking “and you believe him???” Only you know your husband and if you believe him, then you must so because after you’ve been cheated on, you can tell a lie from truth deep down

  3. I remembered the “poison ivy’s” birthday because she has the same birthday as my best friend. But I remembered that my best friend was born on that day & is a beautiful person inside & outside.

  4. Stephanie C. says:

    Interesting post, and I am so glad that he didn’t intentionally use that PIN (interesting joke that the universe played though…wow). I loved hearing of your husband’s immediate loving concern for you and his insistence on showing you what really happened with his PIN.

    I, unfortunately, will never forget my husband’s hot-mess of a mistress’s birthday either. You see, the very last time they had sex he had taken her out for a birthday lunch… 5-13-2011, and yes, it was Friday the 13th. And I say had sex, but really she just gave him a “thank you so very much for the expensive wine and fancy food” blow job in his car. He even TOLD me he was taking her to lunch; you see, I knew her…she was a married, business associate and I would never have really thought twice about that. As a matter of fact, for the nine years that he was fucking her, he did nothing but complain about how miserable she made him with her personal problems and drama, and that he wished he could find a way to extricate himself from their business dealings. Why would I suspect my doting husband of 35 years would be caught up in an ugly affair with this woman that he seemed barely able to tolerate. And my d-day came just one week later, 5-21-2011… the worst day of my life, and another day I will never forget.

    Fast forward over a year and a half, and we are doing great. She was looking to trade up and out of her unhappy marriage, and he was looking for a way to end it with her without me finding out (her threats were to tell me if he ever broke it off with her). Lots of counseling, lots of honest and loving conversations are helping me and us to heal. And he has never been more relieved to be done, and I mean FINISHED with a person in his life. And interestingly, once he severed their business and personal ties via email, she hasn’t contacted, harassed, or even made a peep trying to get in touch with him. The fact is, now, I have the goods on HER. I never told her husband, nor her grown children (and trust me, it was very, very tempting to f**k up her life like she had mine). But I believe that as you live, you shall reap, and she certainly has a scary shit-load of karma coming her way!

    I love your blog, and I love having a safe place to share with other women who “get it”. Thank you for sharing your story and for the opportunity to weigh in.

  5. pretty funny how those things happen? i’m new to your blog – one year into my DDAY and still just tryng to keep it together.

    i too have the tramps birthday emblazoned on my memory. it annoys my husband but he is well aware of my propensity to remember dates, names.. etc. his fault for cheating. it comes in handy when playing jeopardy too. i have a memory like an elephant. you are a better person than her and me… i can’t wish that tramp anything good. my good wish is that i didn’t do something violent when she came to my home to “get him back.” i say happy birthday to you for freeing yourself from any power her negative energy has left over you and your husband. blessings and hugs.

  6. I love reading your blog. It’s insightful and articulate and it brings a smile to my face. I’m not quite at the same point as you with regards to the other woman but I hope one day I can put her completely out of my head and not give her a second thought. What a freaky coincidence! Made hairs on back of my neck bristle!

  7. My turn at dare to tell the truth to myself about past convenient coincidences…. One incident which I refuse to accept as “just a coincidence” even though Hubby repeatedly SWORE ( remembering that he has lied convincingly to my face over and over)… that it was “just a coincidence”. In the midst of their full blown “coerced relationship” after he donated sperm to the married whore at the sperm bank to end things allegedly, in another STATE …Their work cell phone numbers were the same area code , same 3 digit middle numbers and his last four digits were 7848 and the slut’s was 7849. He swore his secretary had gotten the work cell phone for him ! This was back in 1999. … To this day he still maintains his innocence …but, a part of me can not buy that it was just a freak coincidence. And to try to convince myself otherwise makes me crazy and my trigger alarms go off saying I am a fool and I have been gas-lighted ! I can not trust this massive blame-shifting and rationalization ! But all in all,, I would not be surprised to learn that she purposefully asked for this number, … but what doesn’t add up is I think she got her number before he did. ! So back to square one with the doubts and hummms ? So much for wishful thinking and wanting to believe. I don’t think hubby will ever confess to that one !
    Tell me ….what would you think ?

  8. phoenixrisingk says:

    I will never be able to forget the OW’s birthday. Not only is it the day after D-day, but also the day I survived my OD in my terrible, stupid, impulsive reaction to D-day. I’ll never forget seeing the picture of her smiling in a birthday picture with her husband on her FB page later, when the day before, she’d nonchalantly ruined my life.

    • That’s horrible. I’m sorry. Did you ever find out why D-day was slated for that day? In my case, my husband was being pressured and they agrees together they would tell me on Friday. He decided to tell me Thursday to avoid the harassment in the form of “did you tell her yet?” emails.

      • phoenixrisingk says:

        I accidentally opened his email on my iPad instead of mine and found a message from the OW. The first one was pretty benign, telling him to have a good day, but also calling him baby. After searching a little more, I dug up a bunch of their very sexually explicit chats, as well as conversations about me, the state of our marriage, etc.

    • You blamed it all on the other woman…she didn’t make vows with you, your husband did. Did HE ruin your life at all? Grow up!

      • You really think that a person who knowingly steps into a marriage holds no responsibility? Have you been through this before? I ask because to tell someone to grow up…it sounds like you really haven’t. Perhaps you’ve been on the other side?

      • theothershoes says:

        You know, not that it’s any of your business at all, but my husband received plenty of the blame and was there to watch and participate in a pretty nice train wreck. While my family feels the repercussions to this day, she started the mess (I have the proof in chats) and walked away scot free. So you can make judgments about who needs to grow up. I have a suggestion for you that I’m too ladylike to make in a forum.

      • brokenjoan says:

        Mikki, she may be too ladylike to give you a suggestion but I’m not, “FUCK OFF.”

  9. What a terrible and horrifying coincidence!!!

    • Do you really believe it’s a coincidence though. Looking at it mathematically – the chance of him randomly being assigned that number is about 0.01% i.e. About 1 in 10000. Not only that but it was recently changed after being the same for a long time. Plus he’s just had an affair with a woman whose birthdate that is. Honestly. You’d have to be fairly confident that that person was exceptionally honest to believe that they were by 1/10000 chance allocated the PIN number that was the birthdate of the woman you were having an affair with. And this guy has just proved he’s not even slightly honest.

  10. Hello there, I’m new to blogging and internet sites in general and was wanting to know how you got the “www” included in your web address name? I see your domain, “https://rescuingmymarriage.wordpress.com/2013/02/01/happy-birthday-to-my-husbands-mistress/” has the www and my domain looks like, “http://mydomain.com”. Do you know just how I can change this? I’m using WordPress.

    Warm regards

  11. please help me i cant move on with my life because of what my ex did to me. 😦
    he cheated on me its a long story but to make it short he cheated on me and he left me on my birthday. he chooses the girl over me. the girl have 1 daughter from other guy. i dont have kids or what my ex bf is my first kiss and all 😦 now i cant trust any other man im starting to be man hater because of that. i cant forget the pain the feelings and all 😦 everytime i read a blog about cheating or so. my whole body getting cold my knee is shaking and was about to cry and full of anger 😦

  12. Hi, I came across your blog and the comments are very interesting. First I would like to know what the acronyms are. I know that OW must mean other woman but what about D-Day (discovery day) and OD? What do those mean? Also why the animosity towards the other woman if the wife has never had a conversation with her, or interactions with her? My husband has had 2 affairs that I know of ( and I say as I know of because I really don’t know). The first one the woman was his ex and co worker, in a relationship (engaged to be married), and the other one he said was a “friend” (happened to be a friend that I’ve never met-go figure). Anyway, I didn’t have any animosity towards the first one, but the second one, the only reason that I had disdain towards her was because of the vile things she said about me when I never approached her in a negative way (like I said, I thought they were friends). Anyway, back to my question. I never understood that anger and resentment that goes towards the other woman. What if your husband lied and said he wasn’t married, that he was separated or in a situation? I know in one of the instances, my husband lied about our marriage. In the end, it is not the other woman that takes the vows, it is your husband that takes the vows and makes a promise. That is who the anger should be directed to.

    • The woman in my situation was not blindly following a man she didn’t know to be married. I don’t believe I stated that I’ve never spoken with her. I’ve spoken to her on several occasions, she has been a guest in my home. She is very well aware of the fact that my husband is married, as evidenced by the photographs of his family and children that populate his desk at work. He didn’t like her and tell her he wasn’t married. She knew full well he was married. In fact, and one of her email comments which ended up being an affidavit to a court case, she said “I will be a much better wife to you and mother to your children then she can be”.

      I have every right to have disdain towards anybody who attempts to steal my family, and has since discovery day done everything possible to continue to unleash her anger, resentment, and jealousy. I’ve had calls from police, I have been stalked online, I have had my home monitoring and stalked by her, I have been followed to my children’s school, to work, etc.

      I’m sorry, but although this post is quite old, and although I have already reached a point forgiveness and healing in my situation many years ago, nothing infuriates me more today than hearing someone say “your husband is the one who made vows”, insinuating that any other person who attempted to third-party to destroy a marriage should be free and clear of any responsibility or wrongdoing. That is simply false. I’m sure you know quite well the expression “it takes two”. Funny how that expression goes out the window and situations of affairs, when people talk about the other woman. Instead, she’s always seen as some innocent victim who gets like two and dragged into an affair by a man who simply trying to have his cake and eat it too. That is sadly not the case here, and not usually the case anywhere.

      If it does in fact “take two”, then technically both parties are equally at fault for having engaged in something that both knew to be morally incorrect.
      Sure, he has vows to the wife, and he is breaking them. But, if she knows full well that he is also married, then she is also violating a family by engaging in a relationship. She too is prepared to destroy a family for her own personal gain. It isn’t a matter of vows, it’s a matter of courtesy, ethics, morals, respect for the family, respect for another woman, and respect for marriage as an institution.

      After everything the other woman in my situation has attempted to do, there is no person in the world who’s going to convince me that she is free of any guilt or wrongdoing, and is undeserving of any of my disdain. In fact, given everything she has pulled, I have been ridiculously kind. It’s not revenge, I haven’t created ridiculous stories about her, I haven’t stalked her in return. Instead, I turned inward focus on my marriage, built it up from the inside, strengthening it, and doing my best to ignore her ridiculously childish antics so that she could bring herself from the situation to call back under the next rock under which she belongs. She’s a parasite.

      • The issue is that most of the posts are about the wife bashing the other woman and completely absolving their husband of any wrongdoing. He made the promise. That is fact. So really when he breaks the promise, he should be held responsible for that. You have one husband but there are potentially millions of mistresses. He must say no. That is fact. It seems its easier to confront and bash the woman in order to justify holding onto the sorry man.

      • And as usual you had very little to say about how your cheating, lying husband’s actions were the catalyst to all the erratic behavior displayed by this other woman. He exposed you to a potentially harmful situation and where was he during all this? Right. Nowhere to be found….probably sticking his penis in the next woman you will hate while excusing and loving him to the fullest no matter what he does.

        You are too being childish. You can keep your head in the sand and build your marriage by yourself while being self-righteous, but the fact is, you need to kick his cheating ass to the curb. You have convinced yourself she is to blame and destroying your family. What when the next woman comes along? What creative new names will you call her? What about the next? Will you ever look in the direction in which the blame should be placed? Or will you forever excuse him and be a martyr for a humiliated and doomed marriage?

      • I think you need to read more posts before you make comments about my beliefs.

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