Advertisements

Secrecy


In the wake of my husband’s disclosure, I felt a great deal of shame.  I felt as though *I* was the reason he had an affair.  Like many do, I worried that there was something wrong with *me* that made him stray.  I thought that maybe I wasn’t good enough, hadn’t been enough, etc.  I felt ashamed for having failed at being a wife.  I didn’t want anyone to know that my husband had had an affair because I didn’t want them to think the same things I was thinking.  I didn’t want people to wonder if I was bad in bed, too fat, not enough, a bad wife, etc.  My fragile ego simply couldn’t bear being judged by others, any more than I was judging myself already.

At first, I wanted to hide my husband’s affair for my sake.  Soon, I wanted to hide it for his sake.  He felt a great deal of shame and embarrassment.  He was trying to pick up the pieces of our marriage, pieces that lay strewn across the landscape like shrapnel after a bomb has gone off.  He felt intense shame, and had the mistress not told all of the people she knew in his inner circle, he likely wouldn’t have told anyone.

She started by telling my family.  She emailed my parents and my brother. She then emailed his best friend.  She later emailed his clerical staff and the head of his IT unit.  She threatened to tell a group of individuals on an email-list for his profession, linked through their job titles and roles, but strewn across the city.  Suddenly, people were finding out left, right and centre, with no way to shut her down, when even lawyers were asking her to cease and desist, lest she be subjected to legal repercussions.  She didn’t care.  A few months later, she texted another friend of his, to let him know that she had given birth to his daughter two months earlier, a text which came in the midst of a Christmas party that she knew we were hosting (she stalked by facebook and twitter accounts where I had posted images of the prep work before the big night).  All in all, two friends, two co-workers and the in-laws were made aware.  Aside from these people, he would tell no one else…until she called his work, and made a false complaint to the Chief of Staff at his hospital.  In order to indicate that the allegations were false, he had to confess to this man, an elder and a superior on the hospital food-chain.   Interestingly, the Chief of Staff had experienced a similar problem when a woman had become irate with him, and had attempted to have him fired, so he knew all too well what had happened.  This same incident had been reported to the ombudsperson, so she found out as well.

Once the leak had been contained (i.e. she was subjected to a confidentiality order by the courts protecting the details of the affair from third parties), he told no other persons about his affair. Ever.

Three years into an affair, the affair itself almost becomes a new “normal”. It no longer seems shocking.  Like the desensitization to violence that happens to those in war, the details of the affair, and discussions about it no longer bring with it the same shame, sadness, or hurt.  It has just become…part of our life.

Despite this new normalcy, my husband still has not revealed the affair to those around him, specifically to his parents.  Lately, this has been making me feel bad.  I feel like we are holding onto this huge secret, and frankly, I feel like I am complicit in this act of betrayal against his own family.  His parents divorced many years ago, and both live on their own now.  He is their only connection to the family they once had together, and he shoulders the burden of being the “one and only”.  He is held up on a pedestal as the only child, the one who found success, the one who always does the right thing.  If only they knew.

What is sad for me, is that these two people have a grandchild that they don’t know about.  They have a granddaughter that they will likely never know.  This information, being kept from them on purpose.  I feel, some days, like a cheat and like a rat for keeping this information hidden from them.  It just doesn’t feel right.

As we go about our lives, trying to clean the slate, and start again, I am reminded that we can’t ever truly start again fresh and new, when there are people so close in our lives that have no idea.  If this affair hadn’t produced a child, I probably wouldn’t care, but it did, and I am sensitive to the fact that if it were me, I would want to know that I have “kin”, no matter what the circumstances.  I would want to know that my son has a child, illegitimately or not.  I would want to know. I imagine that they would want to know also.

My husband tells me that he can’t tell his family.  He claims that his misogynistic father would blame me for his affair, and see me in a dimmer light.  His father repeatedly cheated on his own wife (husband’s mother) and to this day doesn’t take an ounce of responsibility for his actions, claiming that she led him to it with her lack of attention, lack of respect, yada yada yada.  So, it is highly likely that he would blame me.   His mother, on the other hand, suffers from mental illness, depression and low self esteem.  It is no wonder, given the life she has had, and the people who have continuously pummelled her emotionally all these years. His fear is that telling her would throw her over the edge, and that she would likely sink into a deep episode for which hospitalization would be required.  Not at all unlikely, as she has been hospitalized in the past from the trauma experienced by watching a thriller-style movie with us more than a decade ago.  She is simply too fragile to take on such traumatic news, and he claims he wants to protect her.

So, he wants to protect ME from his father’s judgment, and he wants to protect HER from a downward spiral of mental anguish and decline.  Part of me has always wondered, and always will, to what extent the ‘golden child’ simply doesn’t want his pedestal rocked.

In getting a fresh start at our marriage, I feel like a fraud when our close friends don’t know, and his family is unaware.  I wonder when I will stop feeling like a fraud for something I didn’t do, but am now complicit in hiding.

Advertisements

Man of honor: words from a husband


My husband wrote me the following last night, after reading the previous blog entry. It speaks to his experience of the “man of honor” weekend, what he pulled from it, and how he sees his future.

I am sharing it in the hopes that it can help give some insights into his thinking on his affair.

With respect to the blog post that I prepared for you…I was disappointed that it did not speak to you in the way that I had developed it in my mind. I can see how you would receive it to be a disturbing, insensitive, and emotionless post. I was surprised that it came out to be that way – but I understand how it came to be, and I would like to share with you my thoughts.

I had spent a year developing various ways of expressing myself with regards to this very important post. One night, when I couldn’t sleep, I decided to sit down and spend a few hours writing. All I achieved was a chronology of the events of the year, and the recovery following. It was very unfulfilling, and added nothing new to the situation at hand. When I learned about the Man of Honour weekend, it gave me the hope that I would spend a weekend with men focussing on the affair, dissecting it, and rising to a revelation about the situation. In the end, I think that I did that. I regret that it’s not palatable to you. If there’s one thing that I learned from the weekend, it’s that men and women approach the affair situation in very different ways. It leaves me to wonder if the critical elements that are required for men to understand, digest, and recover from the affair are not, and perhaps never could be, the same kind of elements that are necessary for women to recovery irrespective of the gender of the perpetrator of the infidelity.

As the weekend progressed, I became acutely aware of a need to develop a vision of myself as the man who I want to be in the future. Clearly the man who I was in the past was not suitable. This vision is important not only because it of the way I want to see myself, but because it will engulf the man who I intend to be as a husband to you, a father for our children, and the career man who I want to be remembered as. People often use the idea of writing one’s own eulogy as a way of identifying the key means of direction for their moral compass. Bryan Bercht and the Man of Honour weekend helped me transcend that overused eulogy creating exercise. It was from that weekend that came my blog contribution.

There are three key elements that came out of the Man of Honour weekend that changed my vision of who I aim to be. The first is the notion of the Man of Honour, the second comes from the words of Victor Frankl, and the third is just me putting it all together into a vision of the future.

On Friday night, our group of approximately 20 men ate our dinner, we were engaging in polite conversation, and cautious of broaching the delicate issues of infidelity. We then assembled in a meeting room and upon the request of our leader, we assembled a list of qualities that we unanimously agreed would reflect a man of honour. I find it ironic that a group of men, disgraced by their infidelity, would have any right to develop a definition of the man of honour – it’s like asking a group of criminals to re-write the criminal code (with the anticipation that it would be a better document than the original). However, from the broken rubble of our lives, we developed the following list of characteristics that would represent a Man of Honour:

The qualities of a man of honour are:

· Honesty
· Integrity
· Trustworthiness
· Accountability
· Reliability
· Loyalty
· Courage
· Loving
· Committed
· Friendly
· Humble
· Compassionate
· Empathic
· Sincere
· Role model
· Patient
· A good listener
· Willing
· Transparent
· Victorious
· Enthusiastic
· Understanding
· Dependable
· Hard working
· Genuine
· Resilient
· Consistent
· A leader
· Forgiving
· Generous
· Strong sense of conviction (spiritual, hope, core values)
· Optimistic
· Perseverance
· Unselfish
· Cooperative
· Servant
· Team player
· Looking out for others

On the Saturday, our group hiked through the mountains of Colorado, 9000 feet above sea level with stones in our nap sacks, short of breath and tired. While we did that, we reflected on our lives, the damage that we caused, and tried to find ways to support one another in our journey (both to face the physical demands of the hike, and to help repair the emotional damage that we brought into our lives). Our course leader reminded brought our attention to Victor Frankl. Dr. Frankl was a Psychiatrist who was imprisoned in a Nazi concentration camp. All members of his family, including his wife and brother were killed. Dr. Frankl survived and during his ordeal, he developed a philosophy and treatment methods that helped many people. The one point that struck me as most relevant to my situation was the Dr. Frankl stated “One cannot always control the circumstances that lead up to events that happen to them, but one always has control over their response to those circumstances.”.

Out of the rubble of my mistakes, I am actively building a vision of the person that I want to become. I want to be a man of honour. In fact, it’s sometimes a trigger for me that guides my values. It can be as simple as paying for street parking. It’s no longer about a desire to avoid a ticket, paying for a ticket to park on the street becomes a brick in the foundation that I am building to be a man of honour. It guides everything that I do. I sometimes fall short, but I continue to work at it regularly. The second part of that vision involves the words of Victor Frankl – I may not be able to always choose my circumstance, but I can always choose my response to those circumstances.

When I think back to my acts of adultery right now, I am in disbelief about my actions. Regret is an understatement. I have an incredible wife, wonderful children, and an enviable life, how could I have done what I did???? The act destroyed the lives of so many people-it’s truly unbelievable. To truly be a man of honour, I have to take accountability for MY actions. Naturally there were circumstances that were very difficult, but in the end, I chose the wrong actions! Dishonorable actions. Yes there were extreme circumstances, yes I was cornered, and yes I was isolated from anyone who could help me, but my personal recovery, my first step towards a more honourable life requires me to accept accountability for my actions –fully! Why? Am I being too hard on myself? No, because a man of honour must act with honour, dignity, and fortitude. The price for being a man of honour may be a high one, but the price for being a man of dishonour is even greater.

As I move into my mid forty’s I begin to see my mortality on the horizon. I don’t mean to evoke feelings of sadness or pity. In order to live a fulfilling life, one must be aware of their mortality. Recognizing that there is an ultimate finality, one’s actions are guided differently than that of a person who has no appreciation of the short time that we have on this planet. The way we experience the world, the decisions that we make, and the way we spend our days changes when the days become numbered. To that end, I bring the first part of my life to an end – I close that book altogether. It was formative, and I will never forget it, but I feel that it no longer represents the person who I am today. With the many lessons that I have learned, the experiences that I have had, the mistakes that I have made, and the triumphs that I have achieved, I begin to develop a map for the way I intend to live the second part of my life. Most importantly, I intend to live my life with honour.

I am sorry that I hurt your feelings with the blog post that I wrote for you. Perhaps I was too brash, bold, analytical. Too much time spent looking at the situation from above rather than experiencing the importance of the moment from within. I love you deeply and I find it hard to live with myself every day that I think about what I had done to you, to our family, and frankly to this world (albeit, very small part of the world). I am hopeful that by becoming a better man, a better person, a better husband I can make an impact and make it right.

Patching the life-raft


Making the conscious decision to cheat

Making the conscious decision to cheat

 

When you find yourself in the turbulent waters of an affair, and its disclosure, you find you will cling to anything that passes by in the hopes that it will carry you out of the mess.  That was the case for me.  Whether it was a gentle person willing to lend an ear, or a belief I held about WHY he had done what he had done, it didn’t matter.  I needed to cling to it.   In the case of the former, I would find myself almost desperate to talk to someone who understood and anytime someone would give *my* problem any time or attention, I was so grateful.  I never wanted them to stop listening.  I needed to talk, and I needed to be heard.  I think sometimes, I pushed people away who had offered to help, who perhaps just got tired of listening.

The thing most of us betrayed spouses are desperate to know is the WHY of what happened.  Knowing WHY it happened somehow gives us a sense of control that we feel we have lost.  If we know WHY, then we know HOW and we also feel more equipped to put things into place to prevent it from happening again.

When my husband laid out the timeline for me, he tried to help me understand the process.  I struggled with understanding how he could allow his affair to continue, especially after he started feeling guilty and knowing that what he was doing was wrong.  I had somehow convinced myself that he *fell into* the affair, however that may have happened, and that from that moment on, he was struggling to get out, stuck, strategically pinned by her threats and coercions.  I wanted to see my husband as a victim of hers.  It helped to see her as the only perpetrator against my marriage, and him as the victim who got swept away, and into something bad.

I then started to learn about what makes a man (or woman) vulnerable to an affair.  There are so many things.   I found myself looking at a list of real reasons for why he had done what he had done.  Stress at work, increased family stress (new baby), parental obligations and caregiver stress (father was in trouble with the law and as an only child was relied upon intensely to help a man who has never been able to help himself), etc.  Our list was long, when we reviewed how many of the vulnerabilities applied to him/us.   The list, once again, allowed me to see my husband as a victim of his circumstances.  He was, once again, a “nice guy who found himself in the wrong place at the wrong time, dragged into a situation unwillingly and then prevented from ending it due to ongoing coercion and threats to his livelihood and our family”.  At times, I felt bad for him, even though I hated what had happened.

Last week, the day before Mother’s Day, my husband wrote me a blog post for this blog.  I have been asking him to do so since May 2012.   I wanted readers to hear his side, his experience, instead of relying on stereotypes and false imaginations.  I hoped that his words would help others understand what happened to their spouses, and would outline the slippery slope that he found himself on, since so many men have the same pattern.   I waited patiently for a year, and then last week he wrote me something, and sent it to me the day before Mother’s Day.  I read it and cried.  I cried not because I was thankful.  I cried not because I was relieved.  I cried because the bubble I had built for myself in trying to get through the day to day of living with an adulterous husband and trying to rebuild my marriage, had popped.

In his first paragraph, he writes:

So when an attractive co-worker propositioned me to consider an extramarital relationship with her, my mind instantly raised every reason to do it.  It had brought to mind every tabloid that I had ever seen or read about infidelity and it’s seemingly benign outcome.  With that “well researched” information in mind, I proceeded to take that first step of my journey.  After all, I worked hard, my wife was busy with the kids, and I owed it to myself to have a change of pace, a treat, a break from my regular hectic, grueling, and stressful life.

My heart sank once again.  An old, familiar feeling.  The pit of ones stomach opening wide and swallowing them whole from the inside out.

His words showed me that he knew it was wrong before he started.  That he had consciously made the decision to engage in an affair, and that he sought out ways to give himself permission.  He thought of all of the times people had “gotten away with it”, or that it “hadn’t caused that big of an issue”, and hoped that would be the case for us.  After all, as he put it, he deserved it, and I was so busy with the kids.  Yes, busy with kids that we had decided to have together, for which I share 80-90% of the parenting responsibility.  I was busy.  I had a 18 month old, a toddler and a young child in my care while I worked full time.  But I guess because I was “so busy”, he felt he deserved what he calls “a treat”.  And here all this time, I have relied on the fact that he was in a fog, and unaware.  Relied on the idea that he was confused, and swayed.  Relied on the idea that he wasn’t in his right mind at the time, and unable to have seen clearly his path.  Reading this made me realize that he saw perfectly clearly his path.  He wanted a treat, a little heaven on the side…and hoped it wouldn’t cost him his marriage.

It made me sick to my stomach.  Happy Mother’s Day to me.

It goes to show, that even after one considers themselves “recovered”, they can still get caught up in old feelings, in sad realities, and be re-triggered.  I am only fresh on this healing path, and only recently consider myself “healed”.  I am sure I will have more of these, and should never have expected that the grey skies were behind me and only clear skies ahead.  I can still be spun backwards at times, and it no longer knocks me over and takes the breath out of me, but it sure does still hurt to hear/see those words, written by my husband to describe his feelings at the time.  Feelings which I guess I had re-written to suit my own abilities to cope with the truth.

I didn’t post the letter.  I simply can’t.  It doesn’t in any way reflect what I had hoped he would write about how he found himself in an affair.  It was analytical, unemotional, and jumps from discussions of meaningless sex as a teenager to the night we put our cat to sleep, neither of which had anything to do with me.  But hey, the letter does end with him saying how incredible I am.  Thanks. I’d kind of have to be in order to have stayed.

The life raft I had used to stay afloat suddenly had a hole and I felt like I was taking on water.  Needless to say, I am once again patching the holes to stay above water.

 

Words of comfort:18


20130518-150233.jpg

Burden of Responsibility: Is a mother to blame for her son’s infidelity?


I received an email from a reader of the blog today.  She is devastated because she just learned that her son has been unfaithful in his relationship, and she feels that she has failed as a mother.  As a betrayed spouse, she had a horrible experience, and wanted only the best for her children.  She shared the infidelity openly with them, in the hopes that they would see the pain their father had caused, and know the impact and devastation that an affair can bring.

She emailed me today to ask if I thought that she was a failure as a mother as a result of her son having strayed.

I picked up the email as I was stepping into the car to pick up my children from school, so I didn’t have the chance to send a detailed reply.  Since I was going to reply further, and since I know she reads the blog, I thought that others could also benefit from the post, and also chime in with their thoughts and support for her.

In my opinion, she is no more responsible for her son’s adulterous ways than she was for the affairs her husband had.  These are grown men, with free will, who should know better, and who chose to commit infidelity in their relationships…JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER MAN/WOMAN WHO DOES IT.  I told her in my reply that she is not responsible, and then I wanted to go into more detail and couldn’t.  What I would have added was:

My Mother in Law (MIL) was repeatedly cheated on by my FIL.  He took several mistresses, including my son’s nanny, and my MIL’s best friend.  Repeated infidelity over a long period of time, and infidelity that she came to know about.  Surely, she sought no help, and received no support.  I know this not only because this wouldn’t have been as commonplace (the support, not affairs), but also because she is not one who would know how to solve the issue, how to communicate effectively around it, how to seek support, and  is someone who would instead internalize it, thinking herself the cause, shifting the blame onto herself.  After many years, and a divorce, he abandoned her when she started to show signs of mental illness.  She was increasingly afraid to go out on her own, paranoid from time to time, and just not her old self.  She was damaged, and he moved on…married the best friend that he had once cheated with (needless to say that relationship didn’t last either).   She was, and still is, a broken woman.  She lives with her elderly mother, a woman who puts her down, makes her feel incapable and has essentially infantalized her into being completely dependent on her.

My husband had an affair knowing FULL WELL what the consequences of affairs can be.   He watched his mother disintegrate into a shell of a woman.  Is his mother to blame for not having “raised him right?”.  Absolutely not.  Should I blame her for not being proactive enough and educating him on how to prevent an affair?  No.  I can’t blame her anymore than I can blame myself for his affair.

So, dear reader, unless your son consulted with you, and asked you whether he should seek an affair and you helped him to have one, you have no responsibility for his actions.

Last night on the news, I sat transfixed on the story of Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus and Michelle Knight, who were kidnapped and help captive for ten years, repeatedly raped and beaten by Ariel Castro.  I watched as they interviewed his mother, sitting in the front seat of her car, overwhelmed with grief and shame for her son’s actions.  She wept, speaking in Spanish, telling the news crew how she is so sorry for what he has done, and how she feels so badly for those girls.

I think we would all agree that this mother can’t be blamed for her son’s wicked actions, and we can all be fairly assured that she did her best in raising him, and cannot be held responsible for his decisions, many years after she has completed “raising him”.

Ted Bundy’s mother, Paul Bernardo’s mother…pick any sociopathic individual who has commited the most heinous of crimes, and we can still say with certainty that their mothers didn’t influence their actions, or play a role.

Dear reader, I know it is hard to learn that someone you love has been so hurtful to someone else, especially when you feel he should have known better, seeing what you had gone through.  It is hard to look at him, and not be triggered once more, feeling like the devil is too close.  It is hard to see him as your son, and not as a man who is capable of such deceit and causing such anguish.  Remember, that if he is remorseful, and truly wants to learn from this and grow, that he will need your support.  You are in a great position to be a support to his partner, and to help her through this.  You will help bridge the gap between them, and offer them hope and solutions.  You are, however, in no way responsible for what he has chosen to do, any more than you would be responsible if he woke up tomorrow and robbed a bank.

Stay strong.

 

Sermons from Facebook


This came across my Facebook feed today.

I sometimes get flack on this blog for not being supportive of my husbands OC, as if I have responsibility for her, and how she came into this world.

Now, I know better than to believe anything these commenters say, because I know that I had nothing to do with her creation, or her existence. I didn’t suggest to my husband that he take a mistress and have meaningless, unprotected sex with her. I didn’t force her to consider abortion and I knew that the decision about whether this child would be born would entirely rest on her shoulders while she held its life in the balance, depending on whether my husband and I stayed together, and how well we played her game.

So today this came through my feed and it resonated. I’ve never blamed the child. We feel deep sadness for the life her mother has brought her into, but just like the decision whether or not she would be born, we also don’t have any decisions there either. The best my husband can do, given the mental fragility of this woman, is to ensure the child is taken care of, and he does that through lawfully paid child support payments that are far in excess of what it costs to raise her.

20130505-234403.jpg

Words of comfort: 17


20130505-191952.jpg

Whore dementia


Two people can look at the same situation happen before their eyes, and have completely different recollections of the events that took place. That is a normal fact of human psychology into what we see, the value we place on what we see, the beliefs we hold about the content of what we saw. The fact is, the ability of one’s mind to contort and twist reality is amazing.

I think, a lot of times, what we see is based on what we subconsciously wish had happened, and it influences our recollections of the facts. Add emotion in there, and you get a quagmire of things that are going to influence you…perhaps in the wrong way.

I often find it amazing, when I recollect the comments that my husband’s whore made in the aftermath of his affair discovery, and how completely off-base they are. I know that a bunch of it was emotionally mediated because she wanted to hurt and harm me. She was unsuccessful in driving a wedge, and claiming the man she wanted. She wanted to see the victor hurt, and so her words were designed for harm, not truth. Her recollections were also likely influenced by what her mind *wanted* to have been the truth, but the facts are simply that she is delusional. The theme of the day here is: “FAKE”.

In the days following the discovery of my husband’s affair, several emails were sent to us, in a flurry of desperate communication. In those emails, text messages, and telephone calls, she alluded to a “relationship” with my husband, and made several statements which are all a part of her FAKE facade.

I digress here, but I completely disagree on what constitutes a relationship. To me, a relationship is one that is known by both to be in existence, is intimate in nature, is wanted and welcomed by both parties, results in the warm exchange of feelings and safety between both, among other factors. Sex is not a relationship. It’s a penis in a vagina – a physical act no more meaningful than a finger up one’s nose, especially when one of the parties isn’t “into it”. A workplace relationship in which sex eventually happened, is not a relationship…it is sex between co-workers. But, more importantly, my husband never viewed it as a relationship. It was sex because sex was offered and he was vulnerable. I’ve had a longer relationship with my UPS guy.

She alludes in her communications that the sex was hot and heavy, often lasting hours, and prolonged episodes of it. My husband finds that funny because not only did he not engage in day-long sex with her ever, the sex, as he described it, wasn’t even particularly good, nor satisfying. Sex with her was just available. It wasn’t good. It wasn’t hot and it wasn’t heavy. It was just there, and it was “free” of all strings, or so he thought.

He used to chuckle that she would make these ridiculous faces during sex, faces which looked psychotic and creepy, like a black-widow spider getting ready to eat its prey. Perhaps he should have seen that as foreshadowing. She faked her orgasms, EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Nothing about her was real. He knows an orgasm when he sees one. Someone who is capitalizing on the vulnerability of another would not ever make themselves vulnerable enough to be relaxed and comfortable enough, with their guard let down, in order to have an orgasm. No. She was writing a script, orchestrating a play. So, knowing that she was faking it, he had no need to give it any effort…didn’t matter since he wasn’t in it in order to give her pleasure. He was selfishly in it for himself. Thankfully, it has never been that way with me, because he isn’t satisfied unless I am, and we can keep it that way thank you.

She references in her emails that she has a fit and sexy body that she thinks he finds appealing. Because my husband was a runner, suddenly so was she. My husband recalls that she had a large behind with rather flabby thighs and not a lot of muscle tone…funny for a runner. She didn’t have the body of a runner. Oh wait, she probably was only a runner in her mind. He didn’t see how she could lug that ass across any finish line. She was far from “fit”.

This woman with the irresistable body? Well, truth be told, he found her breasts to be ugly. She had some admitted cosmetic surgery on her breasts, to enlarge them, as she wasn’t happy with what she was naturally born with. Her augmentation was a poor one, as he recalls, because her breasts were lopsided and uneven, with a shape that was mushroom-like…I think he used the word “pedunculated”, kind of like a mushroom cap, a timor, or a growth. It was gross apparently, and very obviously fake…or that she was born very unlucky. They felt fake, they looked fake. Not surprising that someone who was “faking” her personality and goodwill was also physically fake also.

He found her unattractive, he’d said, soon after the affair was disclosed.  He thought she had a large nose, and large forehead.  Her hair was greasy and her makeup outdated and often overdone.  Probably because in contrast I don’t wear any?  “Why would you have ongoing sexual relations with someone you don’t find attractive?”, I would ask.  “I have no idea…it was the biggest regret of my life”, he replied.   An ongoing joke in our house, whenever her name is mentioned is “At least *I* didn’t fuck her”.  In his case, that joke doesn’t work, so that one is just mine, and thank G-D.

She claimed, while having her words recorded in a lawyer’s office, that she and my husband were “in love”, and that the only reason they weren’t together currently is because of me. Apparently, I am some *bitch* for holding on to someone I love very deeply. I guess that was wrong of me 😉

He never loved her. He didn’t treat her lovingly. In fact, as he puts it, he used to treat her like CRAP in the hopes that she would simply fuck off and go attach herself to someone or something else. He never bought her flowers, he never wrote her poetry, he never even took her for dinner. He did, once, take her for lunch at a sushi restaurant because she was crying that she felt used because all they did was have sex. She was a whore in a hotel room and wanted more. He felt badly, so he bought her some raw fish. Maybe in the deep arctic that is akin to a wedding proposal, but not here. He bought her a gift certificate to a restaurant for Christmas 2009, as an employer for an employee. She was his only employee at the time, so maybe in the absence of seeing others get gifts, she thought she was special. My husband continues to give his staff yearly gifts and bonuses. I am sure that none of them claim that this is any sign of a desire for a relationship 😉

It’s funny what people choose to see in front of their eyes. Where she saw a “relationship”, he saw a “friend with benefits”. What she saw as a sexy body, he saw as unflattering. What she saw as herself having some super goddess powers in the bedroom, he saw a lukewarm sexual ability. What she saw as a date at a sushi restaurant, he saw as a pity lunch. What she saw as a bitch, was the best friend he has ever had, the love of his life, the mother of his children, and the one he CHOSE. TWICE.

%d bloggers like this: