Whore dementia

Two people can look at the same situation happen before their eyes, and have completely different recollections of the events that took place. That is a normal fact of human psychology into what we see, the value we place on what we see, the beliefs we hold about the content of what we saw. The fact is, the ability of one’s mind to contort and twist reality is amazing.

I think, a lot of times, what we see is based on what we subconsciously wish had happened, and it influences our recollections of the facts. Add emotion in there, and you get a quagmire of things that are going to influence you…perhaps in the wrong way.

I often find it amazing, when I recollect the comments that my husband’s whore made in the aftermath of his affair discovery, and how completely off-base they are. I know that a bunch of it was emotionally mediated because she wanted to hurt and harm me. She was unsuccessful in driving a wedge, and claiming the man she wanted. She wanted to see the victor hurt, and so her words were designed for harm, not truth. Her recollections were also likely influenced by what her mind *wanted* to have been the truth, but the facts are simply that she is delusional. The theme of the day here is: “FAKE”.

In the days following the discovery of my husband’s affair, several emails were sent to us, in a flurry of desperate communication. In those emails, text messages, and telephone calls, she alluded to a “relationship” with my husband, and made several statements which are all a part of her FAKE facade.

I digress here, but I completely disagree on what constitutes a relationship. To me, a relationship is one that is known by both to be in existence, is intimate in nature, is wanted and welcomed by both parties, results in the warm exchange of feelings and safety between both, among other factors. Sex is not a relationship. It’s a penis in a vagina – a physical act no more meaningful than a finger up one’s nose, especially when one of the parties isn’t “into it”. A workplace relationship in which sex eventually happened, is not a relationship…it is sex between co-workers. But, more importantly, my husband never viewed it as a relationship. It was sex because sex was offered and he was vulnerable. I’ve had a longer relationship with my UPS guy.

She alludes in her communications that the sex was hot and heavy, often lasting hours, and prolonged episodes of it. My husband finds that funny because not only did he not engage in day-long sex with her ever, the sex, as he described it, wasn’t even particularly good, nor satisfying. Sex with her was just available. It wasn’t good. It wasn’t hot and it wasn’t heavy. It was just there, and it was “free” of all strings, or so he thought.

He used to chuckle that she would make these ridiculous faces during sex, faces which looked psychotic and creepy, like a black-widow spider getting ready to eat its prey. Perhaps he should have seen that as foreshadowing. She faked her orgasms, EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Nothing about her was real. He knows an orgasm when he sees one. Someone who is capitalizing on the vulnerability of another would not ever make themselves vulnerable enough to be relaxed and comfortable enough, with their guard let down, in order to have an orgasm. No. She was writing a script, orchestrating a play. So, knowing that she was faking it, he had no need to give it any effort…didn’t matter since he wasn’t in it in order to give her pleasure. He was selfishly in it for himself. Thankfully, it has never been that way with me, because he isn’t satisfied unless I am, and we can keep it that way thank you.

She references in her emails that she has a fit and sexy body that she thinks he finds appealing. Because my husband was a runner, suddenly so was she. My husband recalls that she had a large behind with rather flabby thighs and not a lot of muscle tone…funny for a runner. She didn’t have the body of a runner. Oh wait, she probably was only a runner in her mind. He didn’t see how she could lug that ass across any finish line. She was far from “fit”.

This woman with the irresistable body? Well, truth be told, he found her breasts to be ugly. She had some admitted cosmetic surgery on her breasts, to enlarge them, as she wasn’t happy with what she was naturally born with. Her augmentation was a poor one, as he recalls, because her breasts were lopsided and uneven, with a shape that was mushroom-like…I think he used the word “pedunculated”, kind of like a mushroom cap, a timor, or a growth. It was gross apparently, and very obviously fake…or that she was born very unlucky. They felt fake, they looked fake. Not surprising that someone who was “faking” her personality and goodwill was also physically fake also.

He found her unattractive, he’d said, soon after the affair was disclosed.  He thought she had a large nose, and large forehead.  Her hair was greasy and her makeup outdated and often overdone.  Probably because in contrast I don’t wear any?  “Why would you have ongoing sexual relations with someone you don’t find attractive?”, I would ask.  “I have no idea…it was the biggest regret of my life”, he replied.   An ongoing joke in our house, whenever her name is mentioned is “At least *I* didn’t fuck her”.  In his case, that joke doesn’t work, so that one is just mine, and thank G-D.

She claimed, while having her words recorded in a lawyer’s office, that she and my husband were “in love”, and that the only reason they weren’t together currently is because of me. Apparently, I am some *bitch* for holding on to someone I love very deeply. I guess that was wrong of me 😉

He never loved her. He didn’t treat her lovingly. In fact, as he puts it, he used to treat her like CRAP in the hopes that she would simply fuck off and go attach herself to someone or something else. He never bought her flowers, he never wrote her poetry, he never even took her for dinner. He did, once, take her for lunch at a sushi restaurant because she was crying that she felt used because all they did was have sex. She was a whore in a hotel room and wanted more. He felt badly, so he bought her some raw fish. Maybe in the deep arctic that is akin to a wedding proposal, but not here. He bought her a gift certificate to a restaurant for Christmas 2009, as an employer for an employee. She was his only employee at the time, so maybe in the absence of seeing others get gifts, she thought she was special. My husband continues to give his staff yearly gifts and bonuses. I am sure that none of them claim that this is any sign of a desire for a relationship 😉

It’s funny what people choose to see in front of their eyes. Where she saw a “relationship”, he saw a “friend with benefits”. What she saw as a sexy body, he saw as unflattering. What she saw as herself having some super goddess powers in the bedroom, he saw a lukewarm sexual ability. What she saw as a date at a sushi restaurant, he saw as a pity lunch. What she saw as a bitch, was the best friend he has ever had, the love of his life, the mother of his children, and the one he CHOSE. TWICE.



  1. It is odd how they only see what they want to see, whether its truth or fiction. I guess its easier than accepting the fact they they are not the ones our husbands “chose” to be with. And in your case, its easier for the OW to blame you for everything instead of taking responsiblity for the actual truth of what happened. I dont think they ever really face reality tho. She may move on one day, like the OW in my situation has, but Im pretty certain the past is destined to repeat itself eventually (it already has in my OW’s case – as her mom was once the OW). But hey, karma’s a bitch, and I want front row seats to see it happen!

  2. My husband says much the same…just available sex that wasn’t very good, no emotional attachment, she was unattractive, it was just a way of ‘getting off’ during a period of time when things were not going well between us ( not that it excuses it in any way )…but my problem is, is that the truth or is he just telling me what I want to hear? Because if your husband wants to save the marriage and work things out, is he REALLY going to tell you that sex with the OW was better, if it actually was? Is he really going to want to tell you how much he enjoyed it, or how he liked things she did, etc. if he’s wanting to make things right with his wife? I would like to believe it was plain, ordinary, nothing-special sex…but the fact that my husband cheated in the first place makes him a liar. Then he denied it for a year and a half until finally admitting the truth…so more lies. So now because he says sex with me is better and it was meaningless and empty with her, THIS I should believe? Because he SAYS so? If the sex was really not that great, why would they do it more than once? Is lousy sex really better than no sex when it means risking your marriage and family? I just don’t know what to believe…aren’t you ever afraid that your husband is telling you what you want to believe, and that you are believing it because the alternative is too horrible? I guess for me, nothing my husband says can be construed as true unless I have proof to back it up, because he destroyed my trust. The problem is there is no way to prove something like this….and I just can’t take him at his word, not at this point…

  3. Both the OW and WS have to create delusions in order to justify having an affair. My WS has been working through his and they are slowly beginning to crumble. It makes him feel like an idiot for believing his own lies, but since he did act like an idiot those feelings can’t really be avoided.

    As for the OW, I think there is some crazy inception stuff going on there. Her life is just lies within lies. For example, the OW in my case puts on this big confident self-assured woman front. She claims everything is just so perfect in her life and the OC is so perfect, etc… But all of her actions and all of the evidence points to the complete opposite. She’s a scared little girl and her life is falling apart around her, so she needs more lies to support her initial lies. I don’t know to what level she believes her facade, but the simple truth is that you can never be strong if you can’t first admit to your own weaknesses.

    • That is so true. He used to tell her she was “hot” but it was just to keep things going. He never found her attractive. Ever. She wants to believe whatever hurts less. I understand that too. He now looks back and feels like an idiot. The interesting thing though is that although his delusions have dropped, hers are just as strong as ever. She still believes this shit. It’s amazing.

  4. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    RMM, after I revealed a SHAMEFUL secret (@ my therapist’s insistence) that had caused me to become very suicidal…

  5. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    2) (my 4/4-4/6 comments @ [Bubsy’s 4/6/13 “32 Years” post responded])…

  6. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    3) my eyes were PERSONALLY opened to what GENUINE remorse looks like (such as in the case of Mr RMM) & the powerful…

  7. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    4) “addiction” of affair delusions–that included an OW who thought a “fuck-a-thon” was actually a “relationship”!…

  8. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    5) (As Mr RMM’s OW did). I hadn’t learned this from my serial-cheating, OC-fathering, wife-beating xH, b/c he WASN’T…

  9. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    6) remorseful then, & STILL ISN’T remorseful now–32 yrs later! Instead, I was slapped in the face by the actions of…

  10. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    7) my own flesh and blood–my WSon! The SHAME of this, & the shattering of my idealization of my oldest child, has…

  11. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    8) nearly killed me. Thankfully, I’m finding solace in the fact that, like Mr RMM–and very UNLIKE my xH–my WSon is…

  12. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    9) GENUINELY remorseful & repentant, and is “moving heaven & earth” to rebuild his marriage w/his wife (whom I adore)…

  13. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    10) He’s begged his devastated wife & his heartbroken mother to forgive him, & he’s sworn that he’s NOT a replica of…

  14. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    11) his dad, & that this first affair is his ONLY & LAST affair. Hopefully his OW who believed f**king constituted a…

  15. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    12) “relationship” will choose not to get involved w/another married man again.

  16. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    If the Other Women were so spectacular, 97% of Married Men would leave their Wives for them. Instead, ONLY 3% of MM do!

  17. Charlie says:

    Call my glass half empty but I’m thinking when a spouse is ‘caught’…he will tell a wife anything she wants to hear to take the heat off of himself…I think if we could see them when they had been with the other person we probably wouldnt be so willing to give another chance…no matter how you look at it, they risked everything to be with them…..sad

    • I can see how it’s easy to think that. In my case, however, my husband wasn’t caught, he confessed. He couldn’t live the lie anymore and didn’t like knowing that I was living each day in his lie, not living a true life as I knew it. I asked for the details – all of them. He knew that he was cooked either way, and assumed I was leaving. There was nothing to keep inside or hold back. I knew how often, I knew for how long, I knew in what ways, in what positions, you name it, I got it, and it was far from smoke and mirrors and dumbed-down details made to suit. It was him pouring his heart out and putting all of his cards on the table face up. I’ve never been denied a detail, and I’ve never been made to feel burdensome for constantly asking. Sure, some men will lie. Most when confronted aren’t ready to divulge the truth. But, when you’ve pondered confessing for many months (it took him 6 months), you pretty much know what you are walking into and you are doing it willingly. If you’re going to destroy your wife, family and marriage, why go at it half-assed?

      As for him altering the truth for me…I’ve seen her. She isn’t attractive at all. Very plain and her hair is a two-toned mess. She isn’t “fat”, but she isn’t fit either. Just very plain. Nothing special. Married to someone long enough, you know what they look for. She didn’t fit the bill. I asked him why he didn’t try for at least someone pretty…his response was simply that when you feel that low and desperate for something chaotic and “sinful”, you will take what is easiest and what is available. She was very overt about her feelings. It was an easy grab, but one with disastrous consequences.

    • I have to agree with Charlie…whether a spouse is caught or chooses to confess, I just don’t think that they would tell you that the sex was fantastic, the AP was a better lover, etc. if it was the truth because what purpose would it serve other than hurting the betrayed spouse even MORE? If the cheater wants to save their marriage I would think they would downplay everything, and not necessarily because they are intentionally being deceptive, but because they want to attempt to minimize the damage of the affair. I could maybe believe the sex was awful if it was a drunken one night stand type of thing, but when someone goes back, again and again, for sex with the same person, seriously…would anyone do that if the sex was really that bad and they had zero attraction to the AP? That makes no sense. It doesn’t matter if the person is attractive or really ugly…fact is, our wayward spouses chose to have affairs with them for a reason. maybe it was just easy, available, no strings attached sex. But when they keep going back for more, there’s a reason. I don’t believe a WS would stay in an affair that wasn’t either physically or emotionally satisfying. Staying in an affair with someone they don’t like, think is ugly, and the sex is lousy with makes ZERO sense whatsoever. Of course, I would rather believe that! My husband’s AP is unattractive IMO, and she is older than me as well – he says the sex was nothing special but the affair went on for a few weeks, so my gut tells me the sex must not have been as bad as he would like me to believe! I trust my gut. But again, this is just my opinion…

      • Has your husband had an affair? Have you lived through this? Sure it would be easy to do and I would have played it down too. But, given the details and how he chose to not play details down. I heard all about her moves…in detail. He wasn’t always derogatory, but for he was ready to end things after a few times. Read the blog and you’ll see why, through blackmail to lose his family and job that it dragged on…until he couldn’t bear it. Believe what you want, but in order to have any credible opinion on my situation or affairs, you have to have been through it. Speculation is easy.

      • There are plenty of people whose spouse doesn’t perform well in bed and yet they stay. They stay married, go on with life, and hope it gets better. It’s what you have available at the time and you’ll take it cause its easy. A woman doesn’t have to be skilled to get a man off. She just has to spread her legs.

      • Charlie says:

        I guess its really true that no experience is the same, no reasons are the same…and no solution works for everyone….but my own thought is that…
        If he would risk his marriage and family for a woman he has no feelings for, it really doesn’t say much for the kind of man he is….

      • That’s the case for many men unfortunately. It’s well known that men affair-down. The OW is rarely anything special and it is one of the biggest curiosities raised in this issue. Men in the heat of an affair often don’t think they are compromising their family at all. They think they won’t get caught. They think they will just end it first. They think it will just all be ok. It’s a delusion in itself. The entire thing a fantasy. I’m not sure how much you know about affairs.

      • Yes, my husband DID have an affair, so I believe my opinion is credible because I AM living through it. I wouldn’t just randomly comment on something that I have no clue about. Maybe in your husband’s case it’s a completely different story…all I am saying is that maybe its easier for us as betrayed spouses to believe what we want to be true, rather than considering the possibility of what the truth could be. Because being cheated on is so incredibly painful and devastating. I know that I would prefer to believe what my husband says, that the OW was nothing special and the sex wasn’t really good – but he cheated. That makes him a liar. That makes anything he says questionable. So I take everything with a grain of salt. And I no longer believe things just because I would prefer it over other possibilities. I never thought he would cheat either, and even when the suspicions were there I wanted to believe otherwise. So that’s why just because my husband speaks negatively of the OW and the affair, I’m not going to just automatically believe it. That’s all I’m saying.

      • I asked him if he loved her. He said no. He then offered “but I did tell her I did once”. That’s incredibly painful. He didn’t have to tell me that. He chose to. He could have said no. Instead he told me that it slipped out in the middle of sex. I asked him if he was out having sex with her the day I was home sick in bed with the flu. He told me he was. He could have said no. I asked if he was texting her on our vacation, he told me he was. There are many many times he could have easily said “no” and I would have not known any differently. But when he tells me things that are hurtful and he knows will hurt, then I know he isn’t lying to protect me.

      • Charlie says:

        Mom of 6 Boys…. thats all I was trying to get across as well….well said…

      • I understand what you are saying that men stay with spouses who aren’t skilled in the bedroom…but they also have a lot invested in a marriage relationship, especially if there are children involved. It changes everything. In an affair, there isn’t that same investment in time, commitment, and family, so why stay in an affair that is unsatisfying physically and emotionally? They have a lot to lose by leaving a marriage, even if the sex isn’t great. They have NOTHING to lose by leaving a lousy unsatisfying affair. Yet they take the chance of losing their marriages and families by cheating…so risking everything for crappy sex doesn’t add up to me. Yes, they make stupid decisions in the heat of the moment, but they still make that DECISION to cheat…as well as the decision to CONTINUE cheating. And for bad sex??? Why?

      • There’s a lot there to go over. I will reply when I have more time. What recovery phase are you in?

      • I guess I’m not sure what recovery phase we are in…it seems like it changes. We move a little forward, fall back a bit…I’ve heard affair recovery described as a roller coaster and that pretty much describes it for me. The affair happened in Jan. /Feb of 2011. I found out initially about it that Feb…but I was a victim of ‘trickle truth’ or ‘serial revelation’. The entire truth finally came out this past Sept. ( 2012 ). So, while the affair occurred over 2 years ago, it feels like much less than that. I think my husband is kicking himself now because while he initially thought revealing only partial truth would be enough ( he thought I would leave for sure if I knew the entire truth – and I considered it! ) he has realized that all it did was prolong the recovery process.

      • I read your post about trickle truth and I thought it was really good. A lot of the things you said made perfect sense. I’m going to print it and have my husband read it, because I’ve tried to explain to him on several occasions why not being completely honest from the very beginning of this mess was so damaging. I think you explain it very well.

        That being said…can I play devil’s advocate for a minute? How do you know that someone who is a gusher isn’t doing it under duress? I can’t help but wonder if sometimes a WS gushes out the truth because either the AP, the AP’s spouse, or someone else threatens to reveal everything if the the WS doesn’t do it himself. Does that really make it better than a trickle truther? My husband’s AP was also married and had no interest in anyone else finding out anything. She wasn’t looking for any kind of commitment, just NSA sex, which is all my husband wanted out of it. If it had been a different story and she had threatened to tell me about their affair if he didn’t tell me everything, would that have made his motives better? Not in my mind. While trickle truth has been very damaging, I do believe him when he says he thought I would leave him if he told me everything. Maybe at that point I would have. While his motives were in part self-preservation, I do believe that he also wanted to keep our marriage intact, and feared telling me the entire truth would ruin any chance of saving our marriage. I don’t think he realized just how much more damage the trickle truth would be in the long run.

        I guess, IMO, it’s not just the method of the reveal, it’s the motive behind it that also matters as well. Either way, being cheated on SUCKS. And I wish it was something that I didn’t have to deal with…

      • It depends on what you are looking to achieve. Honesty? Then I’ll take a gusher under duress because it gives me what I need. In my case the other woman started putting pressure on him to tell. She’d already started inserting herself into the picture, telling him she would be a better mom than me. She had asked him for months to tell, saying that living a lie wasn’t the answer and “I deserved to know”. She then coached him verbatim on how to tell me that he never loved me. But, it was a family vacation we took that made him do it. We had been on another 6 months earlier and being with us, being together, made him see what he wanted and what he was risking. It’s like the fog lifted for a while and then we returned home and him to work and wham! she had him back under a spell. On the second vacation, he watched me relaxed and carefree with the kids on the beach and felt sorry for me. He knew that I was living in a life that I didn’t have the full picture on, and that didn’t seem fair. Knowing that she would tell me anyway, he wanted me to hear it from him and he was ready to tell. She thought he would tell me Friday. He told me a day early to grant us a day of peace. So, while he wasn’t a gusher (it took months to get everything I needed because I didn’t think to ask certain things which only slowly came to mind, he did give me what I needed as I asked for it. He wasn’t under duress. He knew it was time and he was prepared to take whatever came. The night before, knowing that he was going to tell me the next night, he watched our children sleep, studying their faces, fearing it would be the last time he would see them sleep like that. He then cried. It was just time. I don’t care how I got it, just that I know I have it all and I no longer live in that place of worry and uncertainty.

      • I guess, for me, it wouldn’t have changed much for me even if he had voluntarily admitted everything at one shot….I think I would have still wondered if he was telling me everything. I think maybe I will ALWAYS wonder. But just because my husband, or someone else’s husband may not be completely forthright doesn’t mean yours wasn’t. I didn’t mean to sound so cynical about your circumstances. I guess, because of my own life history as well as my experience with infidelity, my viewpoint is colored with a particular perspective. I don’t think any of us are wrong…we just all come to this with such different backgrounds, circumstances, and time frames of where we are at. To quote one of my favorite marriage counselor/authors, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, we’re ” not wrong…just different. ” ( Of course, he’s referring to the vast differences between men and women…and how true that is as well!! )

      • Thank you for saying that. I did find your comment cynical and to be honest, it sounded supportive of the OW and unsupportive of the man I’ve recently forgiven and worked hard to recover with. I protect him fiercely because I know that the work he has done, and is doing isn’t always done by others, and I respect and value that in him. It’s hard for me to hear that torn down by others. Your comment read like: “the OW isn’t delusional, YOU are because you believe a man who had an affair, and you are still being lied to if you believe that what he told you was true and that he was truthful about his feelings”. With all the pain and work we have put in, that was hard to read an painful. That’s why I assumed you must not be someone who has been through this. I couldn’t imagine another BW invalidating the feelings and experiences of another BW in favor of the OW. For my part, I am sorry that I snapped and made the assumption that you weren’t aware of what this is like when you very much are. It just didn’t seem plausible that a BW would “side” with the OW and call my husband a liar when the history throughout this blog shows him to have been my hero through this.

        I know it is hard to imagine a man doing the right thing when they’ve done something so wrong. I’ve watched my husband completely break through this, suffer with me, and emerge strong on the other side. A man that broken, that affected, suicidal at times over what he had done and feeling powerless to fix, feeling shame, knowing that one day he would have to tell his children…and lose their respect…it broke him. A man who is lying doesn’t break down like that because he doesn’t feel as threatened that she will leave and the family will die. Deep inside the secrets he still holds are what he clings to for hope that if he keeps those in, that’s information she won’t have so it will end ok. My husband didn’t do that. He knew that whether he told me or not, the outcome for HIM was not going to change, so I asked him to please honor ME with knowledge so that I could live out my life knowing. I know as much about his affair as he does. I’ve turned over every rock, every emotion, every intention, every fact. We’ve talked about each and every one. I’ve listened to him talk with his lawyers about her also. He isn’t also just lying to them. He was a man ashamed, uncertain of why he ever fell into a trap of someone who he deems second rate when he had all he wanted at home. It’s easy to think he is lying, but the work we’ve done to assure me that he isn’t hasn’t been easy and he wouldn’t go through all of that for show.

        Thank you for your reply and comment 🙂

      • I apologize…I never meant to minimize all the work your husband has done. And I DEFINITELY never meant to sound in any way supportive of the OW. Dealing with my husband’s affair has been the absolute worst, most painful situation I have ever dealt with in my entire life. My husband agrees…and he says the affair is his biggest regret. If he could only go back and undo one single thing, the affair would be it. My husband, despite the trickle truthing, has also made enormous changes over these past 2 years. I know he is not the same man he was then. I guess it’s just that when trust is broken in such a huge and damaging way, it’s hard to get over. It’s not that I don’t give him credit for all the positive changes, but I guess the lies of the affair, for me, still overshadow everything else. I have no physical reason to believe he is holding anything else back or watering down details any more. But I have no physical proof that he IS 100% honest now. I can’t trust my gut because it failed me. Even when I knew something wasn’t right, if someone had told me my husband was cheating I would never have believed it. I don’t want to be this doubtful, cynical, untrusting person…but the affair changed everything. In some ways for good, in that we definitely communicate better than we ever did prior to the affair. But the scars that infidelity have left on us are deep…and still so very painful…

  18. Hang on…don’t get mad at me here, but I have to say, as much as it would enrage and disgust me if my husband had fathered a child with the OW, would it be fair for me to say too bad, she should have aborted it??? Yes, some women DO have choices, but some do NOT. I personally could not have an abortion because I believe life begins at conception. I am not judging anyone who makes that choice though. Bit in any case, that child did not ask to be born. It is irrelevant if the mother tries to use that child as a pawn – that just shows what a sorry person the mother is. But that child is still deserving of a father, regardless of the circumstances. It doesn’t matter if he wanted her to abort it and he didn’t. He could have chosen NOT to have sex with her, and then there would have been ZERO chance of creating an unwanted child! When he cheated, he took the risk of pregnancy and should be expected to live up to the obligations of, at the bare minimum, some sort of financial support, but ideally, he should be a part of her life. That doesn’t mean he has to be involved with the OW. Contact can be kept very minimally and can be focused on the care and needs of the child ONLY. But why should that child be made to be fatherless because of the poor decisions of the OW AND the WS? No sex, no baby…simple as that. When he cheated, he made the decision to risk a potential pregnancy. That baby is the innocent victim here and did not ask to be created from an affair. ‘Intentional’ children do NOT have more value than ‘unintentional’ children. Do NOT hold the baby responsible for the selfish and thoughtless situation that BOTH her parents created her in.

    • I think you need to read the blog in more detail. You’d then know that she:

      1. Never wanted children as per her own admission.

      2. When she found out she was pregnant, she immediately wanted an abortion

      3. She gave my husband an ultimatum that she wouldn’t abort if he didn’t tell me.

      4. When he told me, and I didn’t leave him, she emailed to say that because we screwed her over, she was keeping the baby and looked forward to getting child support payments from us.

      This isn’t someone who isn’t using her child as a pawn. She allowed its life to hang in the balance of a third party’s decision.

      Read the blog to learn more. One post isn’t enough to pass any judgment or opinion and for the record, I think it deserves to be mentioned that a betrayed wife has no say in this child’s life or raising. I’ve never met her, likely never will.

    • “Some child support”. He pays $4k per month in child support. The child wears hand me down clothes.

    • You also need to know that she became pregnant on purpose. Stopped her pill, it was her birthday and she played the “just this one time, on my birthday” card.

    • I never said I hold the baby responsible. That’s silly and was never stated. I feel terribly sorry for this child. My husband can’t have a relationship with the child, so he does his best in ensuring she has a roof, food, clothes and pays 95% of daycare at a tune of $900 per month.

      • I’m not judging you. If it came off that way I apologize. I guess I don’t understand why your husband is unable to have a relationship with his child. That’s great that he does so much for the child financially – but a relationship would matter more than all the money and things he could provide. It’s hateful that the OW said and did such terrible things. It’s horrible that she claimed not to want a kid and then said she would use the child to get support from your husband. But still, that child didn’t ask to be created in that kind of relationship, and your husband could have said no. That’s all I’m saying. As awful as the OW sounds, your husband is still 50% responsible for the life he created. It doesn’t matter that he didn’t want a baby with her. If he didn’t want to take that chance he shouldn’t have had sex. The OW is only responsible for her poor choices, not his. They share in this equally. I just feel sorry for the child, because the kids are the ones who get hurt in all of this.

      • I agree with you. I’ve said as much throughout the blog. He would like to be involved but can’t be. He’s afraid for her in her mothers care. For now, all he can do is see that she has what she needs to survive.

  19. Don’t forgot once the black -widow-spider (or a cat) traps her prey…. it manipulates and plays games with it before it feeds itself…. “narcissistic supply”. There is a whole lot of emotional blackmail going on once boundaries are crossed in these types of affairs. The other woman gains power and control over a married man by threatening the relationship with the wife …if the affair doesn’t continue. These whores demand the continuance of inappropriate contact…which is why maybe men trapped in her game playing tend to be cowards and service the “emotionally-unhinged-female sociopath”. Of course they end up not enjoying the fun…. because it isn’t fun anymore…it becomes an exploitation and chore to keep them silent !
    If they were so great …they would leave the wife.

    PS… Glad to see you blogging again…. I missed your posts.

  20. For some reason I can’t reply directly to momof6boys comment, but I just wanted to say affairs aren’t always (or even usually!) about sex. Often it’s not the sexual act that draws a guy to the woman, so much as it is just the ego boost that they get from being wanted. OW are usually ego-boosting machines. They praise the guy’s sexual performance. They make him feel wanted and special. OW hide their icky emotional baggage and pretend not to have their own opposing needs, wants, or desires. They work very hard to create the illusion of no-strings attached.

    Saying that the point of affairs is to get good sex, would be like saying the point of going to a fast food restaurant is to get good food. No. We go there because it’s cheap, easily available, and there is nothing to clean up immediately afterwards. If the product is good, that’s just a bonus. However, just like fast food, there are long term consequences that people might not think about when they reach for cheap/easy choice

    • You make a really good point…and you’ve kind of restated something my husband has said to me when I’ve asked ‘why’ for the millionth time…he said it made him feel good to have someone pursue him and make him feel desirable. It was something that, at the point, he was not getting from me. He didn’t even feel that I liked him much at that point, and he was right. I know that he wasn’t seeking out good sex. He told me he wasn’t looking for an affair at all, and I believe that as well, although he clearly knew he was crossing boundaries that he shouldn’t when the flirting started, and when the comments became sexual, and of course it progressed from there. But, that being said…no, I sure don’t go to a fast food restaurant looking for a gourmet meal. It’s cheap and easy. But if I didn’t like the taste, if the food didn’t appeal to me, I wouldn’t go back. I would go elsewhere, and it might be to another cheap fast food place. When I get a cheap meal, I don’t expect all the frills and good service. But I go there ( and back again, and again ) because it tastes good, maybe even addictive…even though I know it isn’t good for more. I’m aware that it’s bad for my health before I even walk in, yet I risk my health for it because I crave the taste. Do you see what I’m saying? No, I don’t think my husband was seeking out great sex, or sex with anyone at all. But when the opportunity presented itself he tried it, and he must have enjoyed it because he went back for seconds, thirds, etc. If the ‘food’ wasn’t tasty or enjoyable I don’t think he would have gone back.

      • I think it’s almost impossible for a woman to NOT satisfy a man. She needs do almost nothing and he would enjoy it. He didn’t say the sex was bad. He said it wasn’t anything good. It was basic, it was boring and it was…average. He didn’t always get off on it either, especially the times he was forced to, or she was going to tell me. I’d have a hard time enjoying that too.

      • I don’t know, I think at least a LITTLE bit of effort is required to satisfy a man…lol. I don’t know if there are too many men who would be satisfied with a woman who does almost nothing during sex…I would think that would get old FAST. I would assume most men want a partner who is involved, even in NSA sex. Once or twice of mediocre sex, maybe…but for any length of time? I’m not a guy, so maybe I’m way off base. But knowing my husband, if his OW had just layed there like a lump and did nothing but let him ‘do’ her, i don’t think it would have happened more than once or twice. But I could be wrong…it would not be the first time…;-)

      • Ok well I was being marginally facetious. He was ready to end it after the second time they had sex. The novelty was gone, he was bored. She wasn’t disgusting, just not anything special. He wasn’t turned off by her, but it wasn’t about the sex, it was about what he was getting out of the infidelity. The ego boost, the feeling of someone being into him, the naughtiness of the sin, the fear of getting caught, the electrifying excitement of a secret.

  21. Stephanie C. says:

    I think it is a mental trap and a waste of my time to worry about whether the affair sex was “better sex” than my husband and I were having or not. The OW in my husband’s case was a scheming and manipulative co-worker of his. She was highly motivated to leave her current marriage and, in her mind, upgrade to my husband. He admits that he was extremely flattered…that she acted like he was some kind of an irresistible rock star and she was his sexy soul mate (and I say acted, because I think many of these women are pretending to be some kind of nympho as part of their game). That she just loooooved giving blow jobs!!! She was ready to spread her legs… any time, any place, and according to my husband, she liked to be treated rough and dirty.

    But here is what I know for sure. That as wild and crazy as the affair sex may have been, it doesn’t hold a candle to the kind of sex that we have. That is overflowing with love and fun and intimacy. Sex that is delicious and slow, where you look into each others eyes with a comfort and a knowing that you are loved and cherished. How must it feel to be someone like her, someone whom my husband said that he fantasized hurting during some of their rough encounters, just to be done with her. Someone who became hysterical, and threatened to tell his wife and their boss whenever he tried to end the relationship. What a pathetic and fucked-up way to try to catch a man. Ironic, since she is married to a man that she cheated with during a workplace affair. That affair broke up two families and resulted in a pregnancy…do we see a pattern here? To say that my husband feels stupid and humiliated, and is remorseful beyond words, is an understatement.

    So nearly 2 years past our d-day, we are grateful for nearly 38 years of love and family and memories. We are focused on each other now, and we don’t take a single moment of our time together for granted. And she just continues to get smaller and smaller behind us in life’s rear view mirror… right where she belongs.

    • Waste is a great explanation. But, I think we do all wonder about it in the early days near discovery as we assume, alongside the OW, that there must have been something wrong with us as wives.

      I think you made a great post and I am glad to see your perspective.

      • Stephanie C. says:

        Oh, don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that I never gave the comparison thing any thought or didn’t try to find blame with myself, especially in the early days. I beat myself up like nobody’s business! Affair sex, by it’s very nature, is going to have an element of novelty and excitement. And generally speaking, long-term monogamous sex has a tendency to become routine. If you start beating yourself up about that, you can drive yourself crazy!! That being said, I have definitely added more spice to our sex life, and not just for him but for ME. That, along with real love and intimacy, is a combination that cannot be replicated by having sex with a selfish whore.

        I would just like to say, if you are a betrayed wife, do not be so hard on yourself. If your husband is truly sorry, if there is love and a strong bond between you, it will get better. We both had to look at the parts of our marriage that needed fixing, and work on those. Two years down the road and it has all been worth it.

  22. loveydovey says:


    Me too…He gave her two children …I found out way later …it has nearly bankrupt our family …she did all of it as a ‘con’ which is now evidenced in her emails and other communications.

    Life on earth has always had this kind of trap ..Proverbs is full of wisdom for men to take heed to avoid such women …but …those who will not heed sound wisdom will go ‘head long ‘ and a man who goes into a ‘strange woman lack understanding and knows not it is for his soul”!

    She seeks the precious life..

    So many verses come to mind …but the end result is yet to be seen …they may have their cake for while…but her time is coming….and I view her as a sad sack loser no matter how ‘successful’ her cons have been,

    My husband has come out of the fog ..and seen her for what I had told her the Bible says about such who are decieved and deceive others….He is so demoralized and angry at himself …for all of the pain to all …and for the evil situation those OC are now growing up in .

    Fantasy is fed to people and they think with a utopian attitude that disregards reality and they keep expecting others to pick up the tab. …for the children’s sake we do and will for quite some time to come…

    There is no ‘retirement plan or fund ‘ for our family any longer …but I will be darned if they are going to suffer because of my husband and the OW ‘s selfish stupidity!

    Life here is short ..we must continue in what the Lord expresses in His word…”HIS kingdom is NOT OF this world” ……glad to know it! Looking forward to eternity and in the meantime allowing HE who is PERFECT to deal righteously with all that is going on . His way is perfect and HE is faithful! Thankfully!

  23. I dont understand why your husband cant have visitation/ shared custody with HIS child that he chose the possibility of creating when he chose to have unprotected sex. I think the OW is highly delusional and evil, but the child is innocent and he has a resonsibility to be a father to the child. I am surprised you do not encourage and support him to take responsibility for the child, beyond financial.

    I also think both the OW and BS survive off delusions. The BS tells all kinds of things about the affair “they felt this, they did this, he didnt find her attractive, she faked this, he felt this way not that way, they never this…”. Truth is SHE DOESNT KNOW. She only knows what she is told and reads. she wasnt between the sheets and of course a WH is not going to say the sex was great, but obviously it was (initially at least) or he wouldnt have gone back for more. No man is going to “accidentally” say I Love You if he has absolutely no feelings or emotions. It is the exact same thing as the OW saying “wellt he wife did this, didnt dot his, felt this way, didnt feel this way”. Again, she has no clue. The WH is the only one who knows, and if you think he is 100% upfront you’re kidding yourself. Of course he’s not gonna say “Oh I thought she had an amazing ass and the way she kissed me drove me nuts”. But in all actuality, that is the truth, otherwise why would we go back for more?

    Its unfortunate these things tend to errupt into competition between the BS and OW. The truly despicable person involved is always the WH. I appreciaite the effort to reconcile, but I dont believe anyone involved (other than the WH) will ever truly heal b/c the healing is based on delusions to some (often large) extent. You need to face the high likelihood that the things you tell yourself in order to “heal” are most likely to some extent untrue, or ommissions, or bendings of the truth. Then you can TRULY heal.

    • I’m surprised you think that I have any influence whatsoever or that it’s my role to support his being a part in her life. This has nothing to do with me. I’ve told him that he can have a relationship and that I want him to tell me if he should ever want the situation to change. It’s his decision to not create chaos for the child with the triangulation that would be impoasible to avoid. It opens up our family to her, creates drama and puts our children and our family’s privacy at risk. She stalks as it is…I don’t need her knowing when we are on vacation, where we are going etc. it was decided with counsel whether contact was recommended. She fought for sole custody so while she balks that he isn’t in her life, she also made sure it was this way, and knew it would be going in.

      Truthfully, how dare anyone blame me for this outcome. I have no responsibility at all towards this child, nor should I be scolded for “not supporting” their relationship. That’s his choice, given the dangerous relationship she would create.

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