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Man of honor: words from a husband


My husband wrote me the following last night, after reading the previous blog entry. It speaks to his experience of the “man of honor” weekend, what he pulled from it, and how he sees his future.

I am sharing it in the hopes that it can help give some insights into his thinking on his affair.

With respect to the blog post that I prepared for you…I was disappointed that it did not speak to you in the way that I had developed it in my mind. I can see how you would receive it to be a disturbing, insensitive, and emotionless post. I was surprised that it came out to be that way – but I understand how it came to be, and I would like to share with you my thoughts.

I had spent a year developing various ways of expressing myself with regards to this very important post. One night, when I couldn’t sleep, I decided to sit down and spend a few hours writing. All I achieved was a chronology of the events of the year, and the recovery following. It was very unfulfilling, and added nothing new to the situation at hand. When I learned about the Man of Honour weekend, it gave me the hope that I would spend a weekend with men focussing on the affair, dissecting it, and rising to a revelation about the situation. In the end, I think that I did that. I regret that it’s not palatable to you. If there’s one thing that I learned from the weekend, it’s that men and women approach the affair situation in very different ways. It leaves me to wonder if the critical elements that are required for men to understand, digest, and recover from the affair are not, and perhaps never could be, the same kind of elements that are necessary for women to recovery irrespective of the gender of the perpetrator of the infidelity.

As the weekend progressed, I became acutely aware of a need to develop a vision of myself as the man who I want to be in the future. Clearly the man who I was in the past was not suitable. This vision is important not only because it of the way I want to see myself, but because it will engulf the man who I intend to be as a husband to you, a father for our children, and the career man who I want to be remembered as. People often use the idea of writing one’s own eulogy as a way of identifying the key means of direction for their moral compass. Bryan Bercht and the Man of Honour weekend helped me transcend that overused eulogy creating exercise. It was from that weekend that came my blog contribution.

There are three key elements that came out of the Man of Honour weekend that changed my vision of who I aim to be. The first is the notion of the Man of Honour, the second comes from the words of Victor Frankl, and the third is just me putting it all together into a vision of the future.

On Friday night, our group of approximately 20 men ate our dinner, we were engaging in polite conversation, and cautious of broaching the delicate issues of infidelity. We then assembled in a meeting room and upon the request of our leader, we assembled a list of qualities that we unanimously agreed would reflect a man of honour. I find it ironic that a group of men, disgraced by their infidelity, would have any right to develop a definition of the man of honour – it’s like asking a group of criminals to re-write the criminal code (with the anticipation that it would be a better document than the original). However, from the broken rubble of our lives, we developed the following list of characteristics that would represent a Man of Honour:

The qualities of a man of honour are:

· Honesty
· Integrity
· Trustworthiness
· Accountability
· Reliability
· Loyalty
· Courage
· Loving
· Committed
· Friendly
· Humble
· Compassionate
· Empathic
· Sincere
· Role model
· Patient
· A good listener
· Willing
· Transparent
· Victorious
· Enthusiastic
· Understanding
· Dependable
· Hard working
· Genuine
· Resilient
· Consistent
· A leader
· Forgiving
· Generous
· Strong sense of conviction (spiritual, hope, core values)
· Optimistic
· Perseverance
· Unselfish
· Cooperative
· Servant
· Team player
· Looking out for others

On the Saturday, our group hiked through the mountains of Colorado, 9000 feet above sea level with stones in our nap sacks, short of breath and tired. While we did that, we reflected on our lives, the damage that we caused, and tried to find ways to support one another in our journey (both to face the physical demands of the hike, and to help repair the emotional damage that we brought into our lives). Our course leader reminded brought our attention to Victor Frankl. Dr. Frankl was a Psychiatrist who was imprisoned in a Nazi concentration camp. All members of his family, including his wife and brother were killed. Dr. Frankl survived and during his ordeal, he developed a philosophy and treatment methods that helped many people. The one point that struck me as most relevant to my situation was the Dr. Frankl stated “One cannot always control the circumstances that lead up to events that happen to them, but one always has control over their response to those circumstances.”.

Out of the rubble of my mistakes, I am actively building a vision of the person that I want to become. I want to be a man of honour. In fact, it’s sometimes a trigger for me that guides my values. It can be as simple as paying for street parking. It’s no longer about a desire to avoid a ticket, paying for a ticket to park on the street becomes a brick in the foundation that I am building to be a man of honour. It guides everything that I do. I sometimes fall short, but I continue to work at it regularly. The second part of that vision involves the words of Victor Frankl – I may not be able to always choose my circumstance, but I can always choose my response to those circumstances.

When I think back to my acts of adultery right now, I am in disbelief about my actions. Regret is an understatement. I have an incredible wife, wonderful children, and an enviable life, how could I have done what I did???? The act destroyed the lives of so many people-it’s truly unbelievable. To truly be a man of honour, I have to take accountability for MY actions. Naturally there were circumstances that were very difficult, but in the end, I chose the wrong actions! Dishonorable actions. Yes there were extreme circumstances, yes I was cornered, and yes I was isolated from anyone who could help me, but my personal recovery, my first step towards a more honourable life requires me to accept accountability for my actions –fully! Why? Am I being too hard on myself? No, because a man of honour must act with honour, dignity, and fortitude. The price for being a man of honour may be a high one, but the price for being a man of dishonour is even greater.

As I move into my mid forty’s I begin to see my mortality on the horizon. I don’t mean to evoke feelings of sadness or pity. In order to live a fulfilling life, one must be aware of their mortality. Recognizing that there is an ultimate finality, one’s actions are guided differently than that of a person who has no appreciation of the short time that we have on this planet. The way we experience the world, the decisions that we make, and the way we spend our days changes when the days become numbered. To that end, I bring the first part of my life to an end – I close that book altogether. It was formative, and I will never forget it, but I feel that it no longer represents the person who I am today. With the many lessons that I have learned, the experiences that I have had, the mistakes that I have made, and the triumphs that I have achieved, I begin to develop a map for the way I intend to live the second part of my life. Most importantly, I intend to live my life with honour.

I am sorry that I hurt your feelings with the blog post that I wrote for you. Perhaps I was too brash, bold, analytical. Too much time spent looking at the situation from above rather than experiencing the importance of the moment from within. I love you deeply and I find it hard to live with myself every day that I think about what I had done to you, to our family, and frankly to this world (albeit, very small part of the world). I am hopeful that by becoming a better man, a better person, a better husband I can make an impact and make it right.

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Comments

  1. This was no doubt a difficult thing for your husband to do. I only wish MY husband would agree that there is such a need …if not for himself ….for me and our family for him to demonstrate any humility in going to such a seminar. He continues to dig himself into the proverbial hole of self pity and has continually proclaimed that he has ‘ruined’ everything , ‘killed me’ and would like to die and go to hell and get it over with! This is a brash statement in the face of the reality of the matter!

    In other words he cannot be bothered with making any effort further to make the appropriate attitude changes …apparently NONE of those he hurt are worth the time and energy to apply himself to that task. This is a FORM of what is supposed to excuse his lack of effort on behalf of this need , feigning hopelessness and some form of believing that to say his life effects and influences others lives is a “non issue”

    Perhaps this form of ‘humility;’ to say that his life should not effect anyone else because he wants me to think that he does not think of himself as ‘that important’ is a damned lie.

    He KNOWS his jurisdiction of husband and father carry a HUGE weight of influence and the responsibility to those in that jurisdiction …it is the domain of his most powerful influence as a man …and after that the influence of his closest peer group.

    He denies this for the purpose of continuing on in immaturity as adolescence seems to have been given an identity of no responsibility ..thus a nation of Peter Pans who continue their youthful risky behavior at the expense of the just and sound childhood of their own children!

    He has been offered so many opportunities for help …and WHEN he DID go to anything or any therapy it was from a very faint effort to allow anything to penetrate his pride.

    He does not make any effort to learn about how to make mental changes or habits in how he makes choices. He continues to fabricate false reality for his own comfort , claiming that I do not need to be consulted about his whereabouts or decisions which turn out to be just as before .The only difference is that instead of spending his thoughtfulness upon our marriage and our family he spends it thinking of ways to ‘father’ the children of his adultery as if they are in more need of him because of their young age.

    Frankly his continued sneaking and hiding and lying is become further painful to me and our young adult daughters as we KNOW and identify his false front. The young children he has had with the OW are growing into their teen years which will bring more and more difficulties as they have had their formative years spent with two liars . Their mother is a left wing ultra feminist by her own confession and her daughter has been taught to hate Christians in particular.

    No doubt my devotion to the Lord and growing in knowledge and my transforming walk when shared with her many years ago was partly what prompted her deciding to manipulate my husband to get children….she ‘researched’ becoming a ‘single mom by choice’ and he bought that line. She has NEVER really taken what that identity defines by way of taking full responsibility for HER choice to exercise her reproductive ‘rights’

    There are no such things as ‘rights’ to do sin. Only warnings and consequences. I feel that we have had to deal with the consequences far more than she or my husband have …that statement about HOW you deal with the circumstances brought about by others is a good one. I believe the Word of GOD warns us that in this world we WILL have to deal with such things. In marriage we would hope that the confidence we have had in the man we married would protect us from this particular one and that the man would think enough of himself to learn about the need to guard his behavior from going head long into such a ‘pit’

    Sadly I believe that the only loss my husband’s actions have thus far reflected is that he has lost much of the freedom to sin without having to utilize his great capacity to lie and fabricate some excuse for how he still operates in a sneaky way.

    He has , as your husband has disclosed and realized , had so much of what many men will never have in terms of pleasure and opportunities to be content and enjoy life but MORE and RISK has been the name of the game for him ever since taking up companionship with ungodly people who scoff at boundaries . This seems to have been a ‘staple” characteristic in the field in which he chose to work .

    This alone was not the biggest problem but at the same time he discarded the Word of God as any kind of support for keeping himself mindful of moral laws that would have caused him to continue in fellowship with those who DO honor the Lord and value the things which are morally straight and useful to protect all blessings which my husband was enjoying in every category of life on this planet.

    My husband is arrogant and proud ,he has not even heeded the material in learning how to take an inventory of himself or how to apologize without it being some how minimizing his fault or casting some segment for his actions upon those he has hurt!

    I commend your husband for his work in this task of defining his intentions through an examination of his character and behavior …It has been my own experience that by way of continuing in exposing myself to the study of the Bible that GOD uses many of my past sins to come to mind to refresh my appreciation for the grace He has bestowed upon me going forward.

    It is not as useful to ‘forget’ the past in this way because when we are brought to a circumstance which has been FORGIVEN and we have TURNED FROM it brings to mind THANKFULNESS.

    So then when we are intent upon learning how to make a better future sometimes a revisit to what was before is actually a necessity to remind us of all the ways GOD has allowed us to live to MAKE those changes as we learn to CARE about how our lives impact and influence others.

    My husband understand these things intellectually but refuses to exert any effort to change his ways . He has lived for so long ignoring the examination of the good and valuable things of the wife he has , the opportunities that he had , the children he has that he actually told me that when he began his adultery ARRANGEMENT [it was not any kind of love from the very first but a ‘deal’ they made for each one’s symbiotic purposes…such is the detached age of ‘hooking up’ ….] he told me that he did not feel he was ‘RISKING ” anything!

    How do you suppose that made me feel ? I think you know ….if a person recognizes that they are blessed and they VALUE what they have in their spouse then they do not want to RISK loss of the life they have with them.

    In our case TWICE in our marriage when he was transferred he suggested that I stay put …miles and miles from his new location …because he ‘knew how difficult moving was on us’!

    At that time he said that he was ‘only thinking of me and our children’ and that he also did not urge the OW to follow him to the new location! Which she did skillfully and swiftly …when I was not able to sell the home and she would have several months to play the ‘wife’ at their leisure.

    No , my husband is far from repent and I feel that most of this lack of effort and desire is that he does not want to ‘abandon’ his responsibilities to the children of adultery even though he now detests the OW for what their alliance has done to all our lives.

    The OW has raised those children with my husband entering into their lives on a very sparse footing . He is the man who has the money ..though much of our income has been depleted either by his generosity to her or the economic fall out of the market. Neither of which had to effect our family so badly HAD he been living rightly I believe . He would not have had scrambled eggs for much of his brain. Living a life that is clear of guilt and deceit goes a long way to establish prudence!

    In the fall out of this adultery that went on for nearly half of our marriage by the time I found the photos of the other children and the email from the OW written during her second pregnancy complaining of his distance from their previous alliance….I have learned a lot about marriage and infidelity that I would probably never bothered to learn …Things I have researched in the Word that I might never have been so interested in as I tried to learn WHAT I ought to do to respond in a godly way to all that has happened.

    I continue to do this …I try not to take any one point of view from those who are ‘helpers ‘ in this because though I have gleaned a lot of wisdom from the positions others have on this subject I still want to act according to what the ONE …LORD of my live I intentionally have made my standard for decision making ..Jesus Christ .

    This is no easy task…as the Word tells us even our own ‘carnal mind is enmity against God ‘ and this I find to be so ..the flesh DOES indeed” war against the spirit” . I think that the ‘narrow way ‘ becomes more and more ‘narrow’ as we are having to cast off more and more of what would weigh us down in terms of our thinking and assumptions about this life in this world.

    This is not to say we have NOTHING to look forward to in living life here but it is the reward in itself to recognize that whatever we do is most influential to OURSELVES or not .

    The learn that our choices are ultimately going to have to line up with what GOD defines as right , true and good or our efforts will be clouded and marred by opinion and various influences of the fallen state of the world and the previous fallen and lost state we have as our being ‘born dead in trespasses and sin’ prior to ‘coming to Christ’ .

    If we say we have ‘come to Jesus ‘ and that we believe and receive his salvation we need to change our perspective from going after something to GET to walking in gratitude that reflects the sense of awe and recognition of our lack of any ENTITLEMENT to anything …surely not worthy of the Lord’s personal sacrifice on our behalf …The clean exchanged for the defiled!

    Thus …the consequences bring me to more need to learn of HOW as well as WHAT is the response I am needing to have in order to do what my Lord would have me do without allowing or giving a sense of dismissal to the severity of my husband’s ways . Is this not the very definition of ‘the worse ‘ in the phrase ‘for better or worse’

    The thing I have been brought to see is that when we married I trusted the words my husband spoke and the shallow demonstration of his desire to walk in truth and with integrity .

    I now see that he had no such desire or intent. He did not quit his identity as a flesh man or aq single man. As soon as the ‘performance’ of ‘sex’ was interrupted by physical limitations and conditions which were seasonal to be endured , helped and passed through together . He bailed…and went ‘shopping ‘ for something to DO rather than concern for BECOMING by way of the crucible of marriage .

    He took the easy offerings of ‘free and strings free’ activities and paid a very large bill from the wealth of the good things of marriage and family that frankly were NOT HIS to GIVE!

    Yet he still does not believe in learning anything from anyone but scoffs at the idea that he has to learn anything more about how to contribute to the lives he has hurt.

    His apologies are shallow and do not demonstrate any understanding or depth of empathy , not to me , not to our children and probably not at all toward the other children who do not know of why their parents are not married or that my husband does not stay over . They also are not brought into any contact with our family . This is because of their mother whose mental state is and always has been a ‘loose cannon’ . I pray for her not just for her soul but for the necessity for her not to fly off the handle and become front page news from doing something random and dangerous to my family!

    All throughout the time I was preparing and training our children to lend a godly influence to our society my husband and this woman were devising a way to raise up the exact opposite …children as a reflection of their godless and self serving and deceitful ways .

    ALL of them are in therapy as their mother was from long before she approached my husband with the offrering of “sex without strings’ during one of his many transfers ahead of his wife and children . Now both children are in therapy and are on some kind of medication.

    My husband did not watch my back as I understand a godly couple is supposed to do in all ways …spiritually, physically and every other aspect of living life as team. He instead STABBED me in the back. So much for the noble calling he ONCE understood .

    I read his letters prior to marriage where he expressed very clearly that he understood what his responsibility and privileges were to be as a husband yet I have since experienced that he was all talk. Once he had a ‘wife’ he turned to new territory in work …and in recreation making a plan so that no matter what he was going to do he did not HAVE to include me …I now see many times how this was deliberate.

    Lacking the skills to interact as a mature man in relationship his competitive nature from his past in professional sports would not allow him to be humble in the sense of ‘losing ‘ face in a way that he would NEED anything …no need to learn …he could not admit that he had any faults and it seems to me now that he has had a sense of insecurity about his abilities .

    I dare say that fearing to relate to his wife with a sense of not wanting to submit to anyone …and not wanting his wife to ‘control’ him …he simply placed himself under the CONTROL of a woman whose character brought about many ‘crisis’ in order to manipulate and CONTROL HIM!

    What he was trying to avoid he actually created . He sought to be ‘in control ‘ so that he would not be ‘controlled’ or managed by way of managing his own life by way of the counsel of the Lord …and he went under the control of sin and this woman delving deeper and deeper into the man who would not engage at home!

    She still manipulates him through the many ways she purposely neglects those children .

    This continued ‘care ‘ and ‘concern’ for those children in the present state of what he is able to offer them has effectively put to ‘death’ any effort to rebuild our marriage.

    He simply has shifted his energy and focus to his work and those kids. His life here is that he comes home, goes to his man cave , turns on the TV …then has dinner and watches a brief amount of a TV show falling into a deep sleep …getting up and going to the spare bedroom …leaving our family with the same old ‘crust ‘ of left overs a before .

    He has fled the confrontation necessary for his own benefit to learn how to live life which would not continually cause him to feel guilty.

    His seeming need for narcissistic feed has caused him to refuse to enter into any kind of forum where he might learn to make changes that would be healthy for his own souls sake and the ways his life touches people he says he cares for .

    As I have asked about he says he is ‘numb’

    He goes daily to work out …go to work and then to see the other children …He leaves early in the am and comes home only with a very shallow interest in how we are all doing.

    His selfishness has finally come ‘out’ to the degree he simply cannot even care about how he hurts his daughters. The oldest one has remarked that his faint attempt to apologize for his most recent insult to both of my daughters was ‘weak’ and insincere because he failed to acknowledge WHAT HARM his choices and behaviors have yet again hurt them and that their hurt was JUSTIFIED.

    He said he was ‘sorry what he did hurt them and that he did not intend to hurt them ‘ but he knew what he did WOULD hurt them so that brings about no admission of wrong …so what good is being sorry when you deliberately did what you did?

    He also was angry that I let them know what he did …to which I said ” What happened to the man who told his OW that he wanted to live an ‘honest life’ in his break up letter?

    His lack of motive to change is I think simply because he really does not believe what he chooses to do is wrong ..he simply regrets that OTHERS think what he does is wrong and thus makes ALL of those he hurts responsible for their being hurt by his actions!

    This is one way to deflect responsibility.

    To be mature enough to take responsibility requires one not just acknowledging wrong but to seek out the way to make the kinds of changes that require proactive preparation to AVOID and DENY oneself the choices that lack of consideration for the outcomes would bring about .

    My husband DID know what would be wrong and hurtful yet reasoned he was ‘entitled’ despite the cost to all those who trusted him to protect them from his carnal thinking and behavor

    He heard it from me , others and not the least of which his own bible knowledge. Even without the Bible people have a sense of moral law within, otherwise why hide what they do? If it was just to avoid hearing about it that does not make sense because my husband did HEAR plenty before his choices and still went ahead with his wicked devices .

    He is a ‘over achiever ‘ and this lengthy infidelity proves it …It is like how many criminals in prison are very VERY intelligent but have used their skills and ability for wrong instead of beneficial contributions to society! My husband did a lot of what on the surface were ‘good works’ for society ..HUMANISM provides an inner shield for the conscience bent upon serving the self need to ‘feel good ‘ about themselves while at the same time living lives of contempt for truth and righteousness

    I pray that your husband who went to this weekend will not forget his need to learn DAILY and apply DAILY moment to moment the things God has set before us …WE must become aware of our need to be faithful IN that which is ‘small ‘ in our eyes but will build the capacity to be faithful in the long haul ..first to the LORD and then as an overflow of those habits formed from obeying His wisdom ….to those we love and society at large.

    This is NOT impossible but it IS impossible for those who are god’s unto themselves and refuse to walk in truth.

    My 8th grade teacher had a motto we all learned that seems to have been a great guide even as I became a follower of the Lord many years ago “Face reality proceed on principle”

    Indeed I have tried to face reality …it is shocking to realize that my husband was so skilled at manipulating the reality of our lives , our family and our relationship that I now as many of you have to do …find the real reality of all of what has been .

    This is what many of us who have experienced D DAY find ourselves doing to know where we missed it ….what signs and red flags were there we did not recognize or maybe excused away. To learn how to trust our own judgment again …as I applied scripture to our lives and did not shirk from kindly confrontations when needed …but I waited to see changes which were not forth coming ..because I now realize my husband’s concerns were not about protecting our family or nurturing life but consumed with lust , greed and hunger to live as Jame Bond on the very edge of ‘danger’ he devised a whole lifetime of deceit.

    How severe do we suppose the ‘fruit’ of such devious planning will come about ? How will any of those he damaged escape the fall out either ..that none saw coming nor had any reason to expect from such a JUDAS as this ? Jesus at least recognized that Judas would betray him …and perhaps that is a sorrowful lesson …like Brutus also whose cut was the unkindest of all our spouses in their varying degrees of repentance and sorrow will indicate what their true values are ,

    In our case the protested claim of valuing our family has proven to be a hollow one as my husband continues to devise ways to get away with making his secret life …not in adultery but just as harmful to HIMSELF as well as all of us .

    It is a deadly FORM of denial and I am making every effort to learn what to do about it …I am presently beyond any intention for me to leave and the deep debt he has incurred have brought us to a veritable stand still in our living situation.

    I have to keep reminding myself that my hope and sustaining life is NOT in the man who chose to ask the Lord for a wife to take on as ONE person to live with to realize his own fullest potential in all aspect of his life by way of the challenges brought about as his relationship with his wife would cause him to have his need for a Savior revealed to him. When the marriage got tough instead of facing and dealing he ran from it …and found his ‘haven’ in hell .

    I pray still not just for my own ability to lean on Christ and overcome by applying my faith and His wisdom to this situation but for the husband I have to also turn from his self centered ‘medicating ‘ of his situation by his own means to finally come to the point of turning fully to the Lord and being taught by Him what he needs so badly to learn.

    I pray this will encourage and not discourage anyone else who is going through this trial which indeed ‘tries ones very soul’

  2. This was beautifully written, very obviously sincere and heartfelt. I hope that all the unfaithful spouses out there decide to become ‘people of honor’ as your husband has. And better yet, maybe any potential would-be cheaters can be deterred from destroying their families.

  3. Sorry this seems like I took a LARGE portion of this blog to share some of the things I have been learning through great ongoing effort to deal with D DAY now six years past…Hope something in what I shared will be of use to someone….Thank you

  4. bombladoze says:

    Your husband is a very brave man! ❤

  5. How much longer is your husband going to have to re-live his mistake and continuesly apologize?

    • That’s not really a question for me, I assume, but rather for him. He will likely spend the rest of his days apologizing for his error. Not because he is made to, but because he feels his actions weren’t indicative of who he wants to be, and the pain his actions have brought upon his family. He isn’t asked or made to apologize. He never has been. But, his choice to apologize and man up is what has allowed me to feel his care and commitment when often times men don’t apologize, or if they do, it’s done in a context of blame and not humility. So I will be sure to pass on your thoughtful question and ask him.

    • I should add, in case you aren’t a regular reader of the blog, that he was forgiven a while ago. His decision to apologize when something comes up or triggers me is a decision he makes knowing he has been forgiven.

    • lifegoeson says:

      In my opinion, when you hurt someone you love through selfish actions, such as infidelity, that have no possible recourse but to hurt that person, you WANT to apologise every time you realize that he/she is hurting again, because of your actions. The betrayed spouse can not help re-living the betrayal. Why should he/she be the only one to relive it??

      • I think when the wayward spouse is truly repentant and sorry, they too feel it and face it. My husband has a monthly support cheque to remind him, things we can’t do for our own children in the same way that bring him shame. When he looks at his kids, he sees what he almost lost. I don’t think I am the only one who relived or paid for his sin.

  6. In my understanding and experience when one repents then memories of the past that has been forgiven which is experienced through turning from sin to living life intentionally WITHIN the forgiveness established from GOD then any further thought brings forth GRATITUDE and THANKSGIVING …I think because the experience of the mercy and grace of GOD due to His forgiveness and our receiving it by living life onward with deliberate to change and learn to change to line up with the godly character that living IN and BY the Lord and the spirit of god which we have from God’s Word ….causes us to rejoice having been forgiven and given the rest of our lives to live in HIS righteousness …..and wanting not to bring shame to His name as we go forward living according to our new identity in Christ our Lord from whom the enablement to live rightly due to His opening our understanding to live BY His word/will which the Bible REVEALS to those willing to be taught by Him.

    Great link to discussion of a heroic presentation of Genesis 1:1-11

    A great opportunity to hear how all that is going on has come from a weak or deformed understanding of the veracity of the Bible as God ‘s Word that has intentionally led to so many false assumptions and redefinitions by culture of what is truth leaving and leading to chaos among those who know not what they know not.

    Much of the increase of all destructive behavior has grown from this lack of understanding our purpose and point of origin ….worth hearing no matter what you presently believe to gain some insight of this position .

  7. Glad for your husband doing this in this situation ….wish my own would care to …so far any ‘apology’ is in the context that somehow either shifts the blame upon me for ‘still’ feeling the pain of the lengthy disregard and violation OR he simply has no intention of owning up to what he did or any responsibility to do ANYTHING to make any kind of reconcilation to me OR our children.

    Pride …a big root of this problem …all along.

  8. Little bear says:

    My long term partner got caught up in some kind is affair too with, what is best described, as a narcissistic monster. And as a result of the affair, in which I was happy to leave and with my legal background happy to take me all the way thru litigation just so he would feel the pain, he started to come to my yoga school.
    But the story thus far: I sensed something was going on and text her (I got her number from his mobile) and emailed her several times, which I learnt after just fed her sense of sick power and twisted sense of being in control. Admittedly at the time we had both withdrawn from sex and passion was on the decline. Also he’s hard work, engages very little in conversation and once he senses I’m withdrawing goes into himself. He can’t express himself largely to the abusive father and mother he had.
    his first affair was wen I was busy doing my bar exams and he felt alone. Here he met a young women on the Internet and left to meet her in Malaysia. This was in 2007. He begged me to forgive him and, perhaps stupidly, I did. At this time he still didn’t address his issues of poor self confidence and ability to feel it was ok to hurt people.
    But two years later I was to meet an old flame and that deep love was reignited. But for reasons I still cannot understand I refused to leave the long term bfriend. I was financially solvent, more educated than he could ever wish to be and far more street wise than he was capable of. On top of that a friend, who really helped me thru his affair, decided to tell me that he loved me too! That send me into turmoil. As a result, from a job opp, I left to work on the side of the country. I came home on weekends only to find both of us locked in feuds with each other.
    I then left to join my step father in Antigua on his annual winter holidays in 2010. We discussed the situation and he urged me to make a decision to stay or go.
    After a turbulent 2010 we managed to repair our relationship and continued. In 2011 he was very involved in the local running club and set up the running club website. Within weeks of thus going live a new runner rocks up. His concern for her mental well being along with a few runner friends started to trickle down to me. The first night after her appearance she sent him an email confirming she was in his training group. We later heard from a female runner that after the session she had commented on how lovely he was and asked for his name. It was in the months to follow that this women learnt of the deep evil inside this women, who joined the running club under the name of Donna. Donna was to betray the trust of this women who had disclosed unrelated information to her in confidence; in front of her, whilst looking her directly in the eye she Betrayed her confidence.
    The boyfriends running friend also described Donna has having a distant cold evil look in her eyes and he caught her several times looking at people with complete evil. He even said how he watched her barge her way towards the boyfriend forcing herself on him despite his body language being very off her.
    Others commented on how one can not warm to her.
    I suspected an affair and as he is hard to communicate with its was frustrating getting any answers let alone truth out of him. One moment he was telling me he still loved and that I had nothing to worry about and that Donna was a bunny boiler then the next he would be lying. I can always tell when he’s lying. In some ways I wished he was having an affair because I wanted out too. I was started to have more regular intimacy with the friend who stated he loved me in 2009. But I just felt trapped by the boyfriends neediness and lies. He would delete her emails and text messages and voicemail, he even used an obsolete email account to have live chats with her. What really went on I will never know but what I now know about her and her lies is shocking.
    In January 2012 I received an email from her friend Marc Santier. Since, we have learnt that it’s likely he does not exist. The email came from her IP address. And as the boyfriend pointed out Donna has a habit of sending the same email a few times. As she is angry. Apparently both my boyfriend & Donna were in each others hearts and I was frigid a freak and stopping them from ring together. I rang him, he denied it, then eventually told me the truth. It was sex, nothing more than an available fck with a women that pestered him and threw resell a him. She always got on top, he had to take herbs to get he c*ok hard as in his words sage was a boot faced tramp; he also said she was smelly, her house was smelly and old fashioned and, she had no dress sense, had an awkward running style, was a great manipulator and picked on weak low confidence men who she could constantly call and text to meet her needs.
    The lies and contradictions that unfolded in the next few months were unreal.
    Her friend Marc santier went from they love each other, to she knows the bfriend does not love her, to she knows it was just sex to she is his mistress and an experiencec mistress that he had met in Canada and she had done the same to men in France and America. He even stated she wanted to sell her house, as she was mortgage free and wanted to give us money to restart & rebuild!! She then sent him texts to talk about being lovers, being in a relationship with her and talking about him stating he wanted to leave to be with her. Marc santier also then stated that he desired her and that I am stopping them from being friends. Also Marc santier went from stating he loved her and wanted to marry her to never having being involved with her.
    It went on for a while all the time I’m asking him to leave & sell the house. All the time he says it was just a fck and how he hated her. In march he left for ski-ing. On that day she began texting him, despite him emailing Marc santier asking him to ask her to leave him alone. Since then I have read several emails in which she begged him to see him and how she felt suicidal. But could manage to go off to run instead of taking her own life!

    Then a twist: she accuses a guy she conned into running with her, yes another weak cant stand up for himself pleasant unassuming man, of harassing women in the club that have all confided in her. At this point the police should have been involved but weren’t. She was thrown out of the club instead.

    There is so much more I can add but my stomach calls! But what we do know about her is that others believe she has some serious mental health issues. Her real name is not known or her past.
    She keeps that safeky closely guarded but I am sure that will unfold in years to come. She calls herself Donna/Dawn/Marie/Eli Richards/Payne and the house belongs to a Marva Elizabeth Richards. Whose birthday she uses too. She runs for a different club now and can hold court with many people having little idea of how twisted she is.
    As for us we got married and he continues on his spiritual path and we grow in love daily.

  9. betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

    RMM & Mr. RMM, I have HEARTILY recommended yr blog to a 27-years-married new DDayer: http://www.shattered27.wordpress.com 🙂

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