Revenge affairs

Anyone whose world has been rocked by the devastation of an affair will understand the desire for a revenge affair.

Some may admit to having had the thought “if he had an affair, then I should have an affair also and show him how it feels” or “here I have been a faithful spouse, and he got to feel that spark with someone new. I wish I could have those feelings sparked in me again by new partner”.

Whatever your circumstance, the desire for a revenge affair is common. More more often, for recovery experts are finding that among the couples they are looking to heal, more and more of them have had affairs on both sides.

I wanted to share an article by Anne Bercht, on the topic of revenge affairs. This topic came up recently in one of my support groups, and I thought it was relevant to share in case others are having these feelings. revenge affairs



  1. Little Bear says:

    I’ve had this. And in our bed! Twice since his affair with Donna/Dawn/Marie/Eli/Marva/Elizabeth Richards/Payne came out. The sex was great but that’s about it. It wasn’t very conscious or mature and quite unfair on both men involved. But it’s even greater to know that the satanic narcisstic groomer whore that he slept with is overweight, been single for over ten years, falls out with most of her family and has sex with her nephew’s father, when she hasn’t fallen out with this poor victim. She’s nearly 50 and spends most of her day on Facebook grooming adults into her web of fantasies to fill her lonely life that she keeps secret. Because if people really knew who she was I’m quite sure she would be back to being totally alone and friendless.

  2. bombladoze says:

    ive often thought ‘it should have been me, i was neglected too’. but im not interested in doing that. i dont need to cause any more pain between the two of us. and i especially dont want my kids to get hurt any more.

    i have to admit to wishing she had a husband, i could at least out her to. but she doesnt. and like she would care anyway obviously. she has a brother… but hes ugly.

    but THEN, in a really crazy moment… i started thinking how much it would mess her up if i went after her dad lol.

    • Ok that made me laugh.

      • bombladoze says:

        i didnt even think about the mother when i was on that trip… well, i did. but then i thought. nahhh, you raised a whore. lol.

      • Little bear says:

        Ditto… As for the mother raising a whore that’s exactly what I said to Satan… That her mother must turning in her grave for the shameless whore she raised. But then I discovered she died in her 50s…which left the satantic whore with no guidance in her 20s.

  3. I did not quite understand the law of your country.
    Child support is the payment made for the child’s expenses like medical bills, food,school, daycare etc. In many states only a certain amount derived by a formula is given which covers all.
    But in your case, a separate amount of 1,000$ was given for daycare apart from the usual child support amount. You still get the bills of petty amounts to be paid.
    So if she gets paid for everything separately, what the heck does the law say you are supposed to do with the other 3000$ when she is receiving extra money for every new bill?
    I read in your older posts that when your husband’s income increased, you owed her an arrear of 7000$? how come? For example: if you have been paying 500 in 2010, your income increases in 2011 and the amount rises upto 600, then how could you get arrears for the year 2010? what you paid was right according to your salary in 2010?

    I never found the workings of child support fair. I mean, they ask the noncustodial parent to pay for every thing – food, rent, gas bill etc, IF THE WOMAN DOES NOT HAVE A HOUSE OR FOOD AND CANNOT AFFORD EVEN THE BASIC THINGS, WHY THE HECK ARE THEY BEING ALLOWED TO KEEP THE BABY? NO, instead of asking this question from the to-be mothers, they put all the burden on the non custodial parents with absolute not accountability regarding how the other parent spend the money. I know its not possible to keep record of every penny you spend but if the courts really care for the child, wouldn’t they ask the non-custodial parent to give the details of atleast where major amount of money is spent? In some states it is better, in some states it is even worse.
    NO They don’t care about children at all. they only care about money flowing. if they did, they would have considered the wife’s children as well. and made several changes to the rigid law.

    I know this comment is not with respect to the post you have written, but I wanted to ask this from a long time. I commented here because then I would have to hunt for the post where you wrote about child support. I am sorry.

    • Daphne,

      I’m not sure what country you are from, but child-support covers the basic necessities of life for a child, including shelter, food, and closing. It does not cover additional expenses such as schooling, camps, music lessons, instrument rentals, school uniforms, medical bills, orthodontic treatment, moms and tots swimming lessons, ballet, etc… All of those things are lumped together under what we call “section 7 expenses”. They are expenses which go above and beyond the basic necessities of life for a child, but which are still required in order to give the child some quality to their life, and to their lifestyle. The $3000 we pay per month goes entirely to her shelter clothing and food. The $1000 we pay to daycare falls under the “section 7 expenses”. Section 7 expenses are to be paid in collaboration with the custodial parent, and is calculated based on the income of each, therefore it is not a 50-50 split. The parent who makes more money will proportionately pay more for that expense. My husband’s chair is 95%, her share is 5%.

      My husband pays child support based on his last years income. If his income increases, then he will over yearly a top up payment to cover the amount that his income has increased. Therefore, in 2010, he was paying child support based on his 2009 income tax return. If in 2010 his income increased, that would’ve been assessed and he would pay the difference. The interesting thing with that, however, is that if his income had gone down, she would not have to pay anything back.

      • But isn’t 3000$ more than enough? Shouldn’t she as a mother contribute in paying the rent and other necessities? Now when the child grows up, expenses of her schooling will be borne by you while the OW does nothing?
        I remember you once wrote in a post that she has no job and no saving and still she manages to pay all the bills and get schooling because she is getting more than enough. So if she went to earn a degree, didn’t court ask her to work a proper job now? She will always be sitting with only a 5% share in the expenses?
        wow. this is seriously like rewarding your rapist. I am sure she will purposely put her girl to different classes and activities, not to add quality to her life but to extract more money from you.
        I wonder, how it affects your lifestyle and your childrens’. I remember you wrote that she rejected all the clauses which caused her any accountability regarding how she spens the money. and inspite of getting so much, the girl still wears second hand clothes.

      • It is more than enough. Court doesn’t look at how much is needed…it looks at it as “if this child lived with this father and had a regular upbringing by him, she would have access to a certain lifestyle based on his income” and they try to replicate that. With celebrities it is no different….why do they need 18k per month in spousal support?!? They don’t. It’s a formula for a broken system.

        She can’t be forced to get a job. It’s her prerogative. She is now minimally employed working part time. She just obtained a second part time job to fill in the days she wasn’t originally working. I hate to be cynical but I have to wonder if she just wants to offload the kid to daycare. After all, she doesn’t make enough money to tip the support arrangement (it will always be 95/5) and she doesn’t “need” to work if she makes this amount so I can’t help but think she just doesn’t want to parent.

      • Seriously, she didn’t want to be one. I feel sorry for the child. due to her mother’s negligence and bad upbringing, she will also grow like her mother, broken from inside. I wish a miracle takes place and she is put up for adoption and find a nice family with people who have moral values.
        I know that the court want the child to have a certain lifestyle like it would have if she were living with her father, but what’s the use cuz there is no restriction on how mommy spends it. So instead of getting the child expensive toys and clothes, she uses it for her salon and spa bills while the child lives a life of negligence and still people are busy blaming the wife for this rather than the OW who is responsible for the ruin of child’s life. even the children born out of an affair consider the wife as enemy and their mothers as angels who did not abort them.
        Like I said, child support is for name sake. It is hardly for the child.

      • betrayalsurvivor1981 says:

        RMM, I’ve been amazed at how much your husband and you are paying for child support AND additional expenses for your husband’s affair child ever since I read about this in your blog many months ago! The child support laws in Canada are outrageous, and the support laws in the United States are also ridiculous! In the U.S. whatever amount the custodial parent is scheduled to receive in monthly child support from the non-custodial parent goes toward ALL the monthly expenses for the child—food, clothing, shelter, daycare, school uniforms & other educational expenses, etc., etc., etc. This varies by states in my country—one state’s child support policies may be much more generous and liberal (for the custodial parent) than policies in other states. It just so happens *I* was born, raised, and still reside in one of the more “draconian” states in the U.S. 😦 When I was receiving child support from my serial-cheating, OC-fathering ex-husband (who’d run off with one of his APs), for his and my three children from our marriage (who are now in their 30s), I worked full time as an administrative assistant and it was *I* who provided the lion’s share of my children’s support, while my xH’s share was an absolute joke! He paid US$265 per month TOTAL for THREE children—NOT $265 monthly per child. Yes, you read this correctly—a measly $265 per month.

        This is in reverse, RMM, from your and your husband’s child support situation, as your H and you provide the lion’s share of the support for your H’s child, while the OW pays a mere pittance! Your H’s financial obligation—as the result of his affair—adversely impacts your ENTIRE household income and living expenses. Meanwhile, you’re the loving and loyal wife who refused to allow a manipulative OW to break up your marriage and home by deciding to sleep with a married man and to INTENTIONALLY become impregnated by him, and she very MISTAKENLY believed that you were going to kick your H to the curb when you found out! Good for you, RMM, for showing that OW that spreading her legs for someone else’s man did NOT net her the result she had bargained for!!!


      • Thank you so much 🙂

        The formulae are different so while in the USA the additional stuff may be included, it may result in a higher per month amount just the same. My formula in the USA may give her $4k per month as it does now but puts it all in one package. Here it is separated out.

  4. I also wanted to say that I really like your blog. I myself am fond of writing but never published anything on the internet. Whenever I read your posts, it flows perfectly like a rhythm. Your blog itself is very systematic. The events are in the correct order. I wanted to ask that how do you start writing? I mean, do you prepare a rough outline on paper first? or just type on the computer and make necessary changes? How much time does it take to make one post?

    I myself wanted to make a blog, not on infidelity but other topics which interest me, and I don’t know how to start because I am little obsessed with perfection so it prevents me to start anything.

    • Thank you for reading and liking the blog! I love to write. The blog started out as therapy for me, giving me a place to vent. It used to take me a while and I would make drafts and sometimes hold it for a couple of days before publishing it. I no longer do that. I sit down and type it and hit “publish” on first attempt. I’m not as concerned with it being perfect as it being honest. I am a type A perfectionist usually too. I guess once your “perfect” marriage had been ruined, you learn to live with “not perfect but the best I can do with what I have” and so I hit “publish”. Posts take me about 20-30 mins.

      WordPress lets you start a blog for free. Pick your theme and design and start writing!


  1. […] posted a comment over at rescuing’s blog post about revenge affairs. How I have often thought it should have been me to have an affair. […]

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