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In his own words…


As many long-time readers and subscribers of this blog know, I have wanted my husband to document his journey in his words.  It’s hard to put the entire journey into one piece, because it spans many years, has many aspects (as you know from reading my side) and many turns, valleys and victories too.  To try and capture it all in one piece is impossible.  I hope he will write more, or compartmentalize the task into smaller sections and talk only about those things (i.e. his vulnerabilities at the time, his true feelings for the OW, why her, the struggle to free himself from the affair, the decision to tell me, the story of how he told me, the fallout, the healing, forgiveness etc.)

Four years ago I took the first step of a journey that would alter the course of my life.  I didn’t know it at the time, but by accepting an invitation from a co-worker to engage in an affair, my life would never be the same again.  It seemed relatively benign at the time.  A holiday from the “everyday” life of a busy professional.   A break from the stress that comes with entering middle age where one has to balance a busy career, a budding family, and ailing parents.  There was no balance, there was stress, hard work, and vulnerability.  In fact, the affair partner wasn’t even good looking!  My wife was and is a beautiful woman, she turns heads and commands a presence when she enters the room.  A woman that any man would be proud to marry.  When we started to date, I was surprised that she would even be interested in me – I felt that she was out of my league (as the saying goes).  By contrast my affair partner was short and stout, had a big butt and uneven breasts.  She used to make funny faces during intercourse that would freak me out, and sometimes turn me off.  Her breasts were fake, uneven, a no frills plastics deal.  She would walk into a room and typically pass judgement on people, make enemies, and develop a delusional condescending story about people.  I never knew if she was telling the truth or fabricating a lie.  I grew to question her words, her honesty, and her integrity.  So why did I engage in an affair with such a person??????  Why did I risk it all, destroy my life, and destroy the lives of those around me?

The question of why did I have an affair has been the focal point of self exploration for the past 4 years.  It is that question that has inspired me to depart from the safety of my “planned” life on a journey of exploration that will likely never end with an answer – only raise more questions.

My affair partner tricked me.  She told me that she was in love with a long term boyfriend.  They were living together.  Their relationship was as long as my marriage had been.  I discovered later that she lied about everything, there was no boyfriend.  Either way, I was made to believe that we were on equal footing and both taking an equal risk to be together.  She told me that it was just for fun, a holiday, and that at the drop of a hat, either one of us just had to say the word and it would end.  No questions asked!  No hard feelings!  No consequences!  This was safe.  What could be safer for a stressed out middle age professional who needed some kind of reprieve?  Life was hard for me at the time.  Some people turn to drugs and alcohol, I turned to sex.  Neither one a good solution.  I later discovered that people dig themselves deeper into a hole when they use a maladaptive response to a difficult situation because not only is one left with the difficult situation left unresolved, but they also have to contend with the consequence of their poor choices.   Instead of sitting down with my wife and sharing the burden of finding a solution to some of the challenges I was facing, a healthy choice that would have eventually brought us closer together, I sought out ways of resolving the situation on my own, and got caught up in an affair.

I like to believe that I am a powerful man.  A man who is in control of the situation around him, independent, successful, a go getter, a bread winner, a person above average.  I like to believe that I rise where all others fail.  I like to believe that I don’t need help.  However, over the years I have learned a very painful lesson.  I can’t do it myself.  Unlike my romantic notion of a hero who stands alone and wins the day, I have developed a wisdom – I cannot do it alone.  I require the help of others, and work best with others assisting me.  Unfortunately, my delusion of grandeur had led me into a trap.  I wasn’t able to do it alone, and as a result, I was failing.  As I was failing, I was vulnerable.  My affair partner identified my vulnerability and exploited it.  As I reflect on the affair, I believe that she did her homework.  She knew where I lived, the car my wife drove, my wife’s hairstyle.  She knew about things that I told her, and things that I did not tell her.  After all, what kind of strait guy discusses his wife’s hairstyle with anyone?  That should have been my first clue.  She was stalking me.  I was her project.

After my vulnerabilities were mapped out by this person, the rest must have been easy.  Just slip in and begin with intercourse, and the rest is driven by blackmail – and that’s exactly what happened:  My interests magically became her interests.  I was complimented, validated, and made to feel like the hero that I believed I should be.  But when I wanted to stop the affair, when I said we’re done the affair, the blackmail began.  She threatened to disclose it to my wife, my friends, my work colleagues, and my professional circles.  So I complied with her requests and continued our relationship.  I was trapped!  As long as I complied with her wishes, I would be okay, my world wouldn’t be torn apart, but if I didn’t comply, then she would rip me apart socially , personally, and professionally.  I stayed with her, I needed time to find a way out.

Stockholm Syndrome develops when the prisoner becomes close to their kidnapper.  This woman was tearing me away from everything that I held dear, against my desire to be with her, and yet I would engage with her in intercourse.  Stockholm Syndrome is the only way that I can understand and explain my actions.  My days were dark, I was in a prison, but walking amongst others.  I was beaten down, feeling powerless and did not know what to do.  Every day I hoped I would think of some kind of solution, but as her and I spent more time together, she trapped me even further.   I was sinking!

It all stopped when I took away her power over me.  I told my wife about the affair and braced myself for the storm that was to come.

The darkest days of my life had come upon me.  Attacked by my affair partner, and on loose footing in my marriage – my life had crumbled apart.  In order to put it back together I spent the next three years of my life seeking out wisdom to help me understand myself and the new world around me.  I have engaged in many conversations with my wife, counselors, friends, and advisors.  I have read books, scoured websites, and travelled to marriage enhancement retreats.  I have begun to understand the complexity of marriage, the fragility of marriage, and the reasons why over 50% of North Americans divorce.  I have understood my vulnerabilities, my strengths, and my shortcomings.  I have become wiser, more humble, and scarred.  I am no longer the man I was 4 years ago, and sadly my journey has taken me away from that man, the man I was before the affair, and I will not know him again.

So what have I learned?

Love.  I have learned about love.  I have learned that love is a conscious choice that we make every day.  It is not a romantic notion that sweeps us off of our feet, draws us in, and commands our lives.  I have finally understood what happens after the prince rides off with the princess into the sunset.  I have understood that loving another person is distinctly different than falling in love with that person.  The difference is that the act of falling in love is selfish, and short lived, while loving someone is selfless and infinite.  It’s confusing because the word “love” is used in both situations.

When one falls in love, they are overwhelmed with emotion for the person that they desire to have.  Their need to be with that individual is only satisfied by being with that individual. It is selfish.  I hate to sound unromantic but two people who have “fallen in love” are coexisting in a selfish state.  They are mutually fulfilling a desire to be with the other person.  In being together they are satisfying their own selfish need, and coincidentally satisfying their partner’s selfish need.  The “in love” phenomenon ends as the newness, or as some term it the “ Honeymoon” phase of the relationship comes to a close.  At the two year mark, the work of choosing to love another person begins.  This is selfless work to satisfy an altruistic desire to foster a partner’s growth, wellbeing and happiness.

I fell in love with my wife when we met, and I continue to love her.  Over the years, since the affair, I find myself seeking out to experience her pain.  I enter a frame of mind that I believe she may be in, and I experience her pain.  The feeling is chaotic and indescribable.  I can’t make sense of it, explain it, or relay it to anyone.  I can’t think of an analogous way to describe it.  It’s horrible.  It is pure pain and agony.  Sometimes it brings me to tears, but mostly it brings me beyond tears.  It’s hard to believe that the mind has the ability to transcend into such darkness, but it is how I would imagine feeling as death descends upon me.

I often engage in the act of empathizing with my wife.  She has struggles, as any person, and she is more feeling than I am.  As I experience that which I believe she experiences, I strive to understand her needs and desires, and I yearn to fulfill them.  When I make the choice to love her, I make the choice to let go of myself, my needs  and wants and to step into her world.  Only from there can I be the man who I want to be for her in order to create a world around her that will foster her personal needs and growth.

In addition to love, I have learned about the power of vulnerability.  We are all vulnerable.  Stress, hard knocks in life, our own insecurities make us vulnerable.  Anyone who can identify another’s vulnerabilities can exploit them for personal gain.  As I have learned about the notion of manipulation of others through their vulnerabilities, I have discovered the value and importance of privacy and intimacy.  Before the affair I lived an open life.  I knew that there were people who were extremely secretive, and I condemned them for their secrecy.  It seemed like they had a poker hand that they were slyly going to play at any given time.  I was proud to be open, transparent, and non secretive (with some socially appropriate exceptions).  In retrospect, it was a naive way to be.  My affair partner identified my needs, my weaknesses, and my insecurities.  Then she simply gave me what she believed would satisfy me.  She reeled me in close enough that she got her meat hooks into me.  Once I was trapped, her true colours came out.  I have learned that one must be aware of their vulnerabilities, whether it be work stress, a fight with the spouse, a sick parent, or conflict with their children.  By exposing this to others, one may place themselves at risk.  It’s not hard for a prospective affair partner to play the role of a perfect “friend” in order to draw a vulnerable person into an affair and to draw them away from a more constructive approach of solving their problems.

Lastly, I have learned about the fallibility of humanity.  Humans are imperfect!  I raise this point not as an acceptable excuse for my adulterous behaviour.  I raise it to emphasize the importance of a salad of human instinctive behaviours.  Firstly, tolerance, understanding, and acceptance:  I have been with my wife for nearly 16 years if we count the years we were dating.  Never had I cheated on her except in this affair.  In fact, I had never cheated on anyone who I had ever been with.  However, I have been labeled a philanderer.  Although not by my wife, I have been tried and sentence as a guy who will probably do it again – my historic track record of fidelity has been deemed unimportant.  I believe that it is a human quality to protect oneself from further pain by making such accusations.  In order to not rise up in battle against the unfounded notion that I would cheat again, I find comfort in accepting and understanding the source of the belief.  Second, there is a belief that knowledge and insight brings one illumination and growth.  Specifically, when I look back at my journey, am I a better man for taking it? Have I learned, have I changed?  I think we as humans have learned to believe that personal growth, knowledge, and insight are positive.  Ignorance, although blissful, is considered negative.  However, I have lived through the darkest days of my life over these years.  I almost lost everything that I had worked to build; money, career, and family.  I still have pangs of anxiety when my lawyer’s office contacts me with regards to requests from the affair partner (yes it went to the lawyers and to the courts).  I have no more benefit in my life from this experience than a concentration camp survivor has from their experience.  I just recognize that there can exist a very dark reality, and regretfully I partook in it.  Although maybe I need to have some further maturity around this point – all I can believe is that I wish I had never had the affair, I wish it never happened.    Thirdly, I feel aged.  This affair and the aftermath took the wind out from under my sails.  I don’t know if perhaps it’s just aging in general, but I find myself feeling older, looking older, and generally less ambitious than I have been in the past.  In recent years, I have become very aware of my humanity, fallibility, and mortality.

Over the years, I have made many attempts to write about my experience and my insights. I’ve had a lot of difficulty expressing my thoughts on this with clarity.  I hope to share my experience, the lessons learned, and the wisdom gained.  I hope to impart this wisdom to others who may walk down the same path.  It is my sincerest hope that no one ever does what I did as it will ruin their life, the life of their spouse and the lives of their children.

 

Feel free to ask any questions or make comments.  I will pass them along to him, and get him to reply to the specific comments directed at him.

 

Thanks for reading and for your continued support of our story.

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Comments

  1. My husband also said, he felt he couldn’t talk to me, you obviously felt the same way, or you would have talked to your wife. My question is how can you so easily talk to a stranger, but not your wife? I hope you continue on your road to self-discovery and it helps heal you and your wife.
    A cyber friend, brokenjoan

  2. I have no question, only a comment. A comment that will not paint me in a good light. Before I started following your blog I often sat in judgement of those in your situation. “How can she stay, is she stupid?”, “He did it once, he’ll do it again”, “He must be some special kind of asshole to cheat on a woman who obviously loves him so”, “If she goes back she deserves exactly what she gets”- you get the drift. I only come now to apologize and to say I recognize it is not my place to judge; anyone for anything. I commend you both on your honesty, your openness and your journey on self discovery.

    • KeepYourChinUp says:

      Agreed! I thought those same things about others when I would hear their spouse cheated. Now I am one of the betrayed spouses that I never thought I would be. A very different light when you yourself are going through it. I so appreciate hearing the perspective and thoughts of the WH. Thank you!

  3. Thank you so much. I find it incredibly healing to hear about the “whys” and the lessons learned from those who have cheated. Finding similarities between their stories and my partner helps make this all seem more normal. People don’t talk about affairs, so it makes you feel like your situation is some awful exception to the rule, but really this is just what happens behind closed doors.

    For me the most telling line is this:

    > Life was hard for me at the time. Some people turn to drugs and alcohol, I turned to sex.

    When you think about an affair like any other self-destructive escape, it begins to make sense. Even if you’ve never had a family member who is an alcoholic, the idea of one is a socially recognizable situation. Affairs really aren’t any different. That OW is just an outlet like a bottle of booze. She is meant to numb reality and give a moment’s respite. People continue to drink despite hangovers, car accidents, family conflicts, and lost jobs caused by their drinking, so it makes sense that people continue affairs even when logically anyone can see that they really aren’t worth it. And the OW really doesn’t have to be that great; think of all the alcoholics that drink cheap booze, or worse, just to get their fix. When I started thinking of my partner as a sexaholic, and he started to take responsibility and seek help for his addictive behaviour, it’s become a lot easier to work towards forgiveness.

  4. I so admire your husband for even taking the time and having the courage to comply with this process. My own husband has withdrawn more and more . He lives here , goes to work, to work out and then visits the children of his adultery [ which having given in to the urges by the OW to have them has certainly put a hurdle in our reconcilation! And depleted our finances to deep debt!] He sleeps upstairs and does most of his ‘living’ in a vacume he has created . He does not nor has ever wanted a divorce but he will not pursue any help. Pride has contained him. His life long practices of secrecy and denial keep him in a prison of misery and has effected us all since D DAY six years ago.

    This is not healthy for any of us …including our two adult daughters who have never dated due to our having studied the way courtship works but have been moved around so often the opportunity to know anyone in any depth has been rendered nil.

    I sorrow still in deep ways. My husband claims to loath the woman who approached him in a restaurant back when he was alone because of being transferred and thus began their 14 year adulterous arrangement. He DECIDED to take her up on her offer of no strings sex ..and ‘fun’ which meant they could not be open and go places which he said was his one of his complaints about our marriage due to three children being born one after another ….His lack of desiring to be faithful but wanting to appear to be a good husband and a great guy drove his lusting and planning .

    Once involved he hired her and she became his business partner ! Talk about creating a perfect trap and extortion venue!

    So it is that it seems that he simply felt as he says ‘ invincible’ and my treating him like a King entitled to do anything he wanted so he would be ‘happy’ and ‘healthy’ with time to do whatever he wanted…plus his posing as caring and sharing ….he would always come and ask if I minded if he went on some trip or played golf …as if I would say “no’ and become the bad” mom” or fulfill the wicked image of a ‘wife’ who is a nag or a “warden’ to him!

    I imagined he appreciated my liberal loving and the freedom he had to make his choices . I believed it when he said he had to work so much and that the ‘social ‘ life was part of what he needed to keep his business going!~I lived with my dad using these excuses and never believed the man I married would be the same way! He seemed so sincerely concerned about his integrity I never imagined him capable to do such devious dealings …not with those whose lives depended upon his integrity. Didn’t he know and love the Lord with such sincerity?

    NO….and nothing he valued so highly was any concern to protect once he decided he wanted this OW.

    He says that he did not encourage her to follow him whenever we moved and that he had left it up to her…THIS is telling . He did not take any responsibility for his own life! After I got pregnant and his mom became ill with cancer and died and he got a new career amid other people …he changed …He discarded and rejected the faith since those he admired and worked with scoffed at faith and questioned him about his wife’s openness about hers.

    He dismissed my concerns and feelings about his charm as he interacted with co workers stating he treated all of his co workers the same …male and female. I pointed out that he was luring the women because they did not react the same way to his charm as the men ..They were led on by his looks, talent, power and personality . He did not care that this hurt me and to some degree his idea of how ‘humble’ he was deceived him into admitting aloud that his behavior had this effect upon the women he befriended.

    All the while he abandoned helping me with our children and eventually I was left to deal with all of life pretty much alone. I remember telling him on several occasions that I did not get married to be alone and go everywhere alone.

    When we began homes schooling I could not even get him to involved himself or even learn about it . The OW had taken his heart , mind , soul and body away and I was left with an empty shell of a man …a ghost who slept beside me , showered and dressed but spent more and more of his time away from us .

    Twice during this adulterous arrangement [ I call it that because they made a deal …he told her he would never leave me …so all of their time was spent KNOWING it was nothing more than adultery and keeping it secret must have become the ‘glue’ along with sex that kept it ‘exciting’]

    During this twice he suggested that we stay behind as he was transferred on miles away and that he would visit us ! This he framed as ‘caring ‘ because he ‘knew how we hated moving and how disrruptive it was ‘ …this also because he was never around through all of the work involved …the keeping of the home in perfect showing condition while homeschooling ..He did not respect parenting so now having to ‘parent’ the children of his adultery has shown him SOME of the challenges and work it takes. She does not ‘do’ parenting . Apparently a visit to our home , seeing our classroom and hearing me tell her about my faith and the kids left her with the impression that having great kids was easy >…after all if the wife of her lover could do it ANYONE could!

    Todays society has been fed so much garbage , belittling the role of wife and mother and it now comes clear to my husband that it is NOT a ‘part time’ job at all …but a full time full press effort to daily train up a child in their character and all of the ways that the Bible commands …HUSBANDS and FATHERS to live with their wives and families.

    The OW leaves the children alone …from early ages ….does not work …and has been proviing that his CHOICE to cheat was entirely disasterous not just for me and us but for our children who are now adults and yet unmarried , awaiting a spouse yet finding this difficult to overcome as my husband continues to display his selfishness and withdrawal from responsiblities to our family …except for trying to gain back financial stability …partly driven for the sake of the children of the OW.

    Our children are hurt more and more as they see his ongoing concern and effort to care for the Other children in ways they could never expect from him when they were growing up.

    He is ‘sorry’ but more for himself than for the damage done to me . He refuses to engage even now despite the forgiveness and support I have given him . His relationship with the OW grew and inflated his selfishness and practice of hiding from his need for self examination.

    He is a very sad man who applies his energy to working out and trying to figure out how to keep the children from the OW from ‘going down’ …He fails to recognize that giving this woman children who did not care about bringing them into the world this way …HER words …as a ‘single mom by choice’ has been a disaster . Her influence upon those children have been more and more apparent as the oldest is not shy about telling my husband she hates christians and she will never become a person who is in support of conservative views. This child is becoming her mother’s child all over again and one can only observe the development with sorrow.

    He refuses to try to learn how to influence them in the ways that would encourage them to become morally responsible and time is running out as they are getting to the age where they are going to be confronted more and more with choices they have not been equipped to deal with in any responsible way.

    It is as if my husband observed that I was training up moral and responsible people who loved God and he and the OW decided they must bring the opposition into the world .

    God is not without any power in this as we pray for them all but the Lord told us that each person is going to be accountable for how THEY have pursued and then dealt with the truth and the Lord Jesus Christ . Many may hear but deny and reject as my husband and this woman have done. Influences of a growing child DO have a huge impact upon this worldview …which is why the Lord commanded father’s to live according to the Word of GOD.

    Now we all are going through …without the man who is ‘sorry’ for his life and choices but refuses to change the course of the marriage he still wants but rejects any of the things that are needed …He is still selfish…still self serving and it does not look like a change is any time soon.

    This is our six year after D DAY and our second year of his living distant and not sleeping with me …He shares little or nothing and if I ask anything I must ask exactly what I want to know or he does not fill in any details. He says that is ‘just the way ‘ he is .

    I have used this experience to learn about all that has been before D DAY to try to understand how I got into this and how it progressed. I have studied the Word and other materials to the degree that it will be very expensive to move all of the resources I have now acquired.

    YOUR HUSBAND’S courage and love has provided us all who are hurting with SOME consideration for how and why he has found from self examination and learning what elements were at work in his life that caused him to go after a wrong ‘fix’ to his lack of knowledge of how to live in marriage

    God’s word tells us that ‘My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge’ and it is so true.

    The fantasies of what love and marriage are and involve have been lost to many and even in churches …in many ways this has been self serving among ministers of the past who felt it would cause them to lose parishiners if they told the truths that MEN needed to hear in terms of their responsibilities to protect their walk and their wives by way of self governing the godly design of their EYES and their carnal thinking so that they would engage and become wise for their souls and their lives sake . The things which would protect and provide a safe haven for their affection for their wives to grow unhindered by ‘comparisons’ with other women .

    When a wife observes the ‘appreciation’ a husband loads on his co workers or other sex friends and she does not experiences his protective attitude for her emotions or appreciation for her self HE will find that she is less inclined to ‘meet his needs’ and thus women have been told that THEY are the one’s responsible for the way the marriage goes ! This is the OPPOSITE of what GOD has revealed within the scriptures.

    My husband created his OWN “need.” His sexual needs were not ‘needs’ as GOD has commanded people to deny sexual activity when it was not available within marriage . He does not command the same for our need for food. clothing or water! Sexual activity and thoughts are to be held in the sacred boundaries of marriage for good reason.

    What we can be commanded to do we CAN do and thus no matter what he did not have access to during my pregnancies he was called upon to control his desires and not to feed them and lure other women into his scope of use!

    This is nothing he will hear even now as he blames SEX for his problems! It was not sex but his lack of self control and love for me that brought this about ,. Our culture is so sexualized that it IS difficult for men to realize what is NORMAL and godly and truly satisfying.

    Many men complain that women do not like sex or that once married and getting what they want women withhold sex…NO WOMAN I know marries a man because she does not like sex….but how a man treats his wife will determine her enjoyment and desire to engage . My husband was not able to listen …not teachable ..did not want to be ’embarrassed’ to discuss anything sexual …His own father was a kind of ‘archie bunker’ in this area….never wanting to discuss ‘those things’ !

    His lack of true humility and teachability and refusal to become transparent was nothing I was not sensitive to and tried to approach these things to discuss them properly but he refused.

    In short …when a man has “options’ which are not too ‘complicated’ by any further depth or conversation ..he will take it. My husband found many ‘options’ available to him at work …he avoided dealing with ANY of the challenges of marriage and family. He got what he wanted so easily from other women over the years and finally this OW who accepted him in this venue that I was simply a good housekeeper and child care option for him

    I loved my husband and wanted him to be happy …I tried to engage him and keep these needs for him to be more involved with me and our family in his awareness …He ‘heard me ‘ and then kept up his selfish life.

    He provided well for us all so he though he did his ‘bit’ ….even our vacations were mechanical in terms of he did not help with getting ready or even driving to the location ….he arrived after the work and left before the work of it was going on.

    He had to go ‘back to the office’ …which now we know meant going back to spend the other half of his vacation with the OW and the children they had.

    My heart is crushed…he does not want to experience the pain he caused ….He has not wanted to man up and engage in helping anyone through the mess he has made. It is hard to respect a man who does this but I try to treat him with respect and care …forgiveness is a daily exercise…just as your husband has noted that loving is a choice…so is forgiveness. It is not to be permissive yet with my husband there is NOTHING that is making any changes in him

    He told me that he does not want to give me the impression that he is going to engage in our marriage ..HE does not want marriage for any other reason than it is a smoke screen for his sin and he does like the comfort of it being here.

    It seems that in his behavior he feels the enjoyment of what others who are useful for his own life brings about but he is not willing to give of himself to any of those who he has hurt deeply,.

    He says that our daughters do not seem to want to talk with him about their own hurt but I remind him that they have observed his stonewalling me and the way he has treated me and so they do not want to be put in that position with their father. They see that he is unable to own his sin and then take any actions that are needed to make any changes .

    I stay married because my vows are to GOD as well as others who were present at our marriage ….I keep my vows and continue to try to learn how to live according to the Word of GOD as I study the Word …as well as other materials I continue to find as part of understanding this situation.

    I do not seek any other relationship or marriage . I am completely dependent upon my husband having not worked outside the home for the 33 years of our marriage and having been fully ’employed ‘ in the training of our children.

    I appreciate your husband being willing to share this important step in the healing of his own life and your marriage and family .It may be the greatest gift and legacy of his lifetime .

    God Bless you and your husband for sharing what is a most intimate and painful lesson with us all.

  5. bombladoze says:

    That was hugely insightful, please thank your husband for me 😀 some of it reads very similarly to what i *think* is true for mr bamboo… work and family stress… however he isnt able to articulate it, yet (i say that hopefully) to himself or to me. i think time offers perspective and while ive been incredibly impatient in wanting some sort of answers, ive realised lately, i have to let it go a bit and give him the time he needs to figure it out for himself… sometimes i say these things to him, but when he immediately agrees, i feel like hes just taking the easy way out, an excuse handed to him makes it easier… it does make me feel a little bit better, but while it certainly gives him some reprieve from me, i dont know if it really settles things in his mind, so it still leaves me to question heh… i just want him to be ok with himself again. thank you again 🙂

  6. Stephanie says:

    This is an interesting point of view.

    In my case my husband is determined that pursued the OW. The OW was an employee of a company he and another owned. The other business partner met OW (who is married and with 2 small daughters) at a church where she performed childcare for the kids. They started their affair and he eventually hired OW as a way to continue their affair. As their affair went on they actually discussed her attraction to my husband and ‘what if’ scenario.

    Well …due to midlife crisis and marital problems my husband drifted away from our marriage and ‘fell in love’ with OW. Apparently she rebuffed him but weeks after rebuffing she accepted his declaration of love and they continued their emotional affair in earnest…eventually becoming a sexual affair. My husband and I had the marriage everyone envied (same old story) but eventually we hit a rough patch that lasted several years and he chose not to love me when the rush of adoration of OW hit him.

    I was very uncomfortable about their friendship…all classic affair stories…I eventually discovered texts and …he lied about the affair being over…they actually continued corresponding for the next 6 months when I again discovered a years’ worth of love letters with the last dated the day before. I asked him to move out. Now a long year and a half we are where we are. Struggling to know what is real and what is not. He still admires OW and still maintains he was totally at fault that she tried.

    Ugggg! I am always shocked when it becomes apparent that he did not see that even while rebuffing she was poaching. She knew what she was doing all the time she flirted and all the time they shared intimate information about their lives. Any woman who was not in that of poaching would have advised that he should direct his energy into his marriage. I am also fairly certain that even when he saw a therapist he did not reveal all the details of the affair or the OW and her background….the advice he was given was odd in that his therapist gave him advice for me too (CRAZY never having met me or spoken to me). She just confirmed that what he felt was real….mirroring…yada yada yada…..I think the most realistic thing she ever said was that OW was a ‘red-herring’. REALLY???

    I am sorry for your husband to have made such choices. I follow you in hopes that someday my marriage will heal form this devastation. I am working on myself and have accepted responsibility for my part in our marital problems but I am very aware the minute he chose to go forward with his affair I ceased being a problem to our marriage. I am somewhat hopefully my husband will eventually come to realizations of his OW that yours did (obviously different circumstances) but …maybe…clarity will come someday. Maybe someday I will feel married again.

    • KeepYourChinUp says:

      Stephanie: Everything you said above really resonated with me. It has been 4 months since Dday for me. And like your husband, mine takes total blame for the affair (saying it wasn’t the OW fault since he is the one who pursued) and still seems like he ‘admires’ the OW. WTH. She KNEW what she was doing, she KNEW he was married AND had 2 small kids! He feels bad for the flack she has received from others and her own family members. She made her freakin bed too!!!! We too are struggling with figuring out the ‘why’ behind his choices. But seems like it was like a ‘drug’ and a mid-life crisis thing to escape reality of the real world. Selfish and pathetic. I am the one who handles all the kids’ activities, schoolwork, bills, logistics, plus work full time. I have felt so stressed out to the max always trying to juggle everything, but I would never risk my marriage and family for a fling. It is still so fresh, trying to work through it. But i appreciated your insight and you sharing your story as it sounds all to familiar! I see your post was a year ago, if you are still on here, I would love to hear how you are doing now. Any advice you have to offer! Thank you for sharing! ~Brenda

  7. Thank you for your comments . I feel so pathetic sometimes because any and all expressions of shared understanding are welcome …so few can know and I feel trapped to some degree despite my faith ongoing and my awareness of my worth in so many ways.

    My husband is an ‘over achiever ‘ in so many areas of life that I perceive he is unable to do anything that would let on that he ‘needs’ help dealing with this ..He says he ‘d rather die and go to hell than seek any help.

    Sad…pride is deadly .

    I pray that he and other’s trapped in this deep deception find a way out ….it will take a lot of ‘coming down off of the mountain’ I suspect.

    Hugs to all here who are hurting …old and new hurts….I am living my life going onward but I am still hurting with the loss of not just the past but the future with my husband who I love dearly …I hate being so ‘careful’ in not touching him because he does not welcome ANY affectionate expressions from me . It is weird to be so ‘awkward ‘ with a man who has been my love for 33 years!

  8. Reblogged this on Healing After My Husband's Affair and commented:
    Written by Rescuing My Marriage’s husband about how he ended up cheating on his wife, involved with the Other Woman and the lessons learned since he came clean. So much of what he wrote is relevant to my own husband’s affair and how he ended up cheating when he never wanted to have an affair even while he was in it.
    Another reader commented on her blog that now she understands why a wife will choose to stay and fix the marriage, and how a man can change his “cheating” ways to become a better husband than before.
    Thank you…..

  9. I find it so courageous that you spoke about your feelings towards the OW. My husband was in a similar situation, and he says he gets how I feel, but I always wonder how. Your description has helped.

    Still, his affair, mainly all the lying and deception and theft of marital assets to spend on her, has changed me.

    I was sitting at home alone with the kids and the pets, taking care of them, and watching our money and being cautious with my spending while he was out spending time, emotions, sexual energy and money on the other women.

    I don’t like the way it has changed me, but it has, in relation to him.

    I still love him, but not quite the same way. I will never ever trust him again, because I trusted him so much and he took advantage of the trust. I felt like such a fool. The gossip to that the OW spread all around town is so humiliating.

    I feel like a cliche, or some poor spouse on the Jerry Springer show.

    It’s sad, too, because prior to his affair, I truly loved my husband with all my heart. Now a part of my heart is hardened.

    I am also very vulnerable to other men at this point, and if the right one came along…..a single one, I am deathly afraid that I am now so vulnerable that I would be open to engaging with him. My marriage vows have already been broken, so I wouldn’t even feel guilty about that part.

    I hope not, though. I want things to work, but sadly, I don’t feel special to my husband or safe with my husband, and never will again. If another man makes me feel safe, and special, I know I will be very vulnerable to that.

    Nothing says you are not worth as much as you think you are to me, than going out and having an affair, and lying while looking straight into your faithful spouses eyes.

    That’s how I feel now. I don’t feel as if I am special to my husband. I feel anyone will do, and maybe he was even hoping to replace me with a younger model.

    He says, no, but he also told me he would never cheat on me. So, I can’t believe anything he says anymore.

    When you try to empathize with your wife, please remember to feel how worthless your actions made her feel. I felt like a used piece of tissue paper.

    I was always a good spouse, my husband used to brag about me to other men, and crow about what a saver i was and how low maintenance. Then he met his ‘ho OW and she was a huge spender and he was all too eager to please her, all to simple get a piece of stray ass.

    So sad.

  10. I hear you Ann..>No matter how much my husband denies that he cared for the OW the facts are that he spent 14 years creating another family with her…He hired her after their adultery began . He admired her . At the same time he never appreciated the sacrifices , love , effort I made and the losses our family endured while he made so much effort to serve a woman who was up front a liar, a thief and a self avowed communist! EVERYTHING that our family was intentionally building the opposite of ! The Devil seemed to have targeted and delighted in finding such a ‘team player’ in my husband!

    He continued to live as if I am invisible and shoves all of his responsibilities as a husband to his wife on our two adult daughters who worry over me and my health.

    I recognize that as long as no one knows about his duplicitous lifestyle that he will not experience from others who MAY matter more to him …such as co workers, his family and friends ….how his way of living and dealing or rather not dealing with his life and how it has damaged so many people would cause reactions.

    Then again he seems so ‘confident’ …aka arrogant …about how he is really a ‘good ‘ guy …it seems no one’s reaction would matter to him

    I can relate to how sad this is for you . We married men we admired and who were good at luring our confidence in their intentions. Their way of ‘loving ‘ in times when building a career caused us to hope in the ‘someday’ when he would have the ‘time ‘ to be involved with us in life. These men are historically those who con women and men for their own lust.

    Mine used to scoff when I told him his behavior was encouraging women to begin to day dream about life with him …he said he treated both men and women who worked with him the same. He would not learn how his behavior was damaging to others…and he made it clear that my feelings were not valid. Many women later he has to admit that he was wrong about this .

    His view was that if the women were willing to engage with the understanding that he was married and that their involvement was only temporary that it was ‘no foul’ ! This thinking has been encouraged in our culture. The idea that “whatever two consenting adults do behind closed doors is no one’s business”~Has been useful to destroy many hearts.

    This kind of thinking works well for those who are predators upon the lives of those who are intentionally caring about how they conduct themselves and how it effects others.

    It is shocking for us to learn that some of those who cheat are simply intentional about feeling that those they USE are of no value except what they can “get’ from them

    This is what my husband said about the OW …that he did not love her but at ‘,least ‘ she ‘gave’ him sex~ ! This attitude about what sex is and what it’s function is has been taught over the years to people through media and even school systems.

    This is not a fantasy of mine…it is information that has been gathered over the research in how family life and marriage has been damaged and in decline since the entrance of media through Kinsey , Hefner, Masters and Johnson, Darwin , Dawkins, and on down the line…..when Kinsey published his materials AS IF they were science based upon proper research people began to feel their ‘puritanical sex life ‘ was lacking and that they were missing out. I want to suggest you take a moment to study the impact of this evil man who did his ‘research’ among pedophiles and prostitutes and them published them as ‘normal’ . The decline resulting among those who were minimal if not lacking any character or Christian concern for morality …began as people felt a certain ‘right’ to ‘explore’ more colorful aspects of sexuality ..The fifties onward show forth a decline that is astonishing to examine ….leading on to the next generation which we all know as the ‘sexual revolution ‘ of the 60″s

    The way ANTI morality has reigned in the past several generations has given way to an attitude that lacks knowledge and understanding of the VALUE of the way GOD has set forth WARNINGS which would protect us …all of us ….the commandments became thought of as prohibitive rather than protective…much in the same way Eve began to be persuaded that God was withholding something good from them by way of his warning about the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

    Prior to the account about the way Eve began to descend into doubt and then disobedience GOD has recorded that ALL of the trees were ‘good for food’ and ‘ pleasant to the eyes’ …just as it is recorded that Eve was considering the forbidden tree to be ! She ALREADY had what was good for food …in all of the trees….she already HAD what was ‘;pleasant to the eyes’ ….and she ALREADY could function ‘ as gods’ because she had freedom to CHOOSE to obey or not !

    There was nothing lacking in the garden …just as there is nothing really lacking in one’s spouse…the ‘lack’ is perceived when one refuses to focus upon the value and goodness that is already IN the one they chose to marry.

    Discontent and lust occur when a person is led to believe they are ‘missing out’ …and that may most often show up when some area of someone’s character is not formed to appreciate and invest when things do not go THEIR way in life.

    Character training and the lack thereof is another casualty of Freud,Dr Spock, Darwin and social ‘sciences’ falsely called. ….the sinful fleshly nature of man apart from GOD is no match for deceptions that prey upon areas unprotected by the attitude that trusts that GOD knows what is truly “GOOD ” and worthy to be protected.

    I pray your your heart to be healed ….and for those spouses who reject any form of boundary which they do not regard as worth anything …they themselves will eventually find that this kind of disregard will bring forth a painful crop…and nothing that is built upon the sand of lust , greed, and lies will bring forth any kind of ‘good fruit’

  11. Hi I am intrigued by your blog as I have been with my husband for 17 years and 3 years ago he 5 years ago he began to become addicted to online porn and used Facebook to respond to women online who messaged him saying how hot he was. 3 years ago he received messages from a less than average short overweight woman who very quickly starts porn chatting with him which he became hooked on whilst still watching lots of porn. After about 6 weeks on and off chatting she suggested a hotel stay and gave him 48 hours notice to meet him to live out their fantasy world that was created. He decided to go out of curiosity and he explained that the initial walking into the room was exciting and nerve wracking he realised that she was way below par in both body and facially but felt that he couldn’t back out incase she went nuts and stalked him. He put on an act and said that the had no spark,no connection and the sex was lame, clinical and not at all the fantasy he had built up in his mind. He struggled through and shut his eyes imagining porn scenes and our sex sessions to bring the session to an end. He said he felt remorseful and guilt stricken after and went straight to the shower and scrubbed himself and quickly made his excuses and returned home to me. He is very depressed but relieved that I now know the truth after 3 years of burying the secret. He never met her again ever and began to close the porn and Facebook apps down. I feel devastated and can’t get past the pain and hurt. I don’t believe that this won’t happen again without him knowing what his triggers were. We were the couple that everyone around us wanted to be and had a great sex life and marriage with deep love and care for one another or so I thought. I wondered if you could advise me how I can get past this and how he can truly soul search what went wrong for him.

    • I just read this and feel so sorry for the way this seemed to have developed. How little we take seriously ‘dabbling’ in things that God has told us were sinful …How underestimated our idea of what sin actually IS and DOES. I think this is pretty much the case in all of the ways I stumbled through many and various misconceptions and deceptions in my own walk.

      What you said here I think would be the KEY to a lot of what we who are dealing with our spouses infidelity has brought upon both us and those who are the CS …that is to learn what the TRIGGERS are that set off this kind of ‘searching ‘ …but to tell you the truth …Until I found out from my own search in the Word and asked the Lord to help me not to become victim of my own naivete I was clueless often times why I fell into listening to what others said and pretty much took lightly what little wisdom I did have from the Bible

      Since studying more and more about various things that tripped me up from culture to my own flesh …I discovered that I could avoid a lot of difficulty and pain by avoiding places, environments, people and any other kinds of things that lead on the slippery slope of what ends in something far from what it appeared to be in the first place!

      In short …putting God and His desires before my own has helped me a lot. I tried to offer this kind of advice and counsel to my husband after we married but he was too prideful and still is despite his huge plunge into his own adultery with another woman and several smaller ones even while entangled with her. I had NO IDEA that this was what he was doing.

      NOW he is sorrowful but STILL too proud to seek out why or what kinds of things ‘trigger ‘ his past situations that HE created for himself by way of his not listening to the ways he could learn to be content and enjoy his own wife!

      If you two can come to learn the things that lead one away from what is righteous and lured by way of externals and internals I believe you can work together. The problem my husband and I have is that he never did open up and share his life with me . He married but he kept thinking and behaving like a single man while lying to me to keep up a routine and facade of being a ‘good ‘ and upright man.

      He has suffered since…Your husband’s situation is really sad since he felt he ‘could not ‘ escape.

      This may be true …since any woman who would meet a stranger online and then meet in person has little good sense it seems to me …It is dangerous and careless. He had good reason to wonder if she would freak but the question is what made him think engaging in intercourse was going to be any kind of ‘safety ‘ against her becoming even a worse scenario~! Sin blinds us and makes us stupid many times …
      I pray you will work together to become the strong bulwark against such nonsense in the future ….knowing Christ has it;s benefits beyond being cared for here and now but it is eternal as well as you know.

  12. these stories all ring so true. What is wrong with these men that they seek another woman rather than talk to their wives. My husband was working with the OW and she was predatory ( usual story, poor me, all alone , single parent trying to make something of myself), but despite this I have never blamed her for his actions. If she had danced naked in front of him he should have said “no thank you, I’m married”. The thing that hurts is not so much the affair as the plethora of deceit. This deception continued long after the affair ended.
    I am so happy that people can work through their problems but the lack of trust that affairs ultimately cause in every marriage will never be fully healed. I once read a story about a woman who sent her husband away for four years to let him have his crisis and now wish I had done this instead of trying to single-handedly repair the unfixable.
    He is in so much denial as to the damage he has done to me and our family that we have gone past the point of return.
    I wish I had found this blog at the time of my discovery as it may have helped me to recognise some of my reactions. Keep doing what you are doing, it is helping so many

  13. Thank you….reading this made me feel slightly better. My husband still works with OW…I would sit all day thinking they were still together…so I CALLED HER! She really wants nothing to do with him now….and it was mostly him on this case. Now I worry about him and if he will stray again. Its an up hill (VERY HIGH HILL) battle.. Thanks for sharing!

    • You’ll only know he won’t repeat when you know that he understands why and the steps that led him down the path. He can’t recognize in the future what he never learned from in the past.

      • He says I was ignoring him…so he went elsewhere to find attention….and affection. I was only busy raising our children (triplets) and making sure his HOME needs were taken care of. He is a little OCD and expects perfection…..so I gave him perfect smart kids. NOW that they are in college I realized what I HAD DONE, and worse, what he had done…..We are in counseling….its not going well.

  14. He has not owned his sin. The marriage is not so a little boy can ‘play’ while his wife carries the load of the family …Mine did the same things…Men need to realize that they were duped in the area of learning responsibilities that come with being a man and then a husband and a father .

    There is a reason why the Bible instructions to men for all of these areas are plentiful and direct.

    Gender bending society has done a lot to dissuade understanding the distinctions jurisdictions and responsibilities that men and women have , can enjoy and are fulfilling for their god given design. They are equal but different for GOOD not to be considered ‘burdensome
    Social engineers have worked hard to erase the very benefits of gender and marriage and family. It is destructive .

    Anyone who would learn the truth about the godly benefits is in for an eye opener and the way things have ‘progressed ‘ in the programming of a society will also make you angry.

    How you feel being deceived in your marriage is only one of the things that will incense you! Wait till you begin to see how intentional this destructive agenda has been upon our whole culture!

  15. I had been waaiting for his side for so long! thanks for posting.

  16. So what do you do when your husband sulks ? Its been two months since DDay. I’ve committed myself to working our marriage out and so has he. We’ve yet to go to counseling but have an appointment in the works. His employer has finally accomodated him with a day shift schedule as he was previously working nights for the last 5 years. His affair ran over the course of 7 years…all the time we have been married. In the beginning he told me that the OW was just a friend – the OW was married and they only called each other occassionally to check in and maintain the friendship. This friendship I knew nothing about of course. Within the last year the OW separated from her husband since he was cheating on her. She was tired of trying to trust her husband. I know this because i called her…had an hour of conversation with her. She says my husband told her that we were on and off… I found elaborate love letters to her…emails…and pictures/videos of the two together. I asked her if she had feelings for my husband to which she replied ” i will always love him” but I’m not interested in him like that. He is only my friend. She claims they never engaged in sex… and yet even so the emotional cheating stings equally as bad. I’ve tried to be strong for our 11 month old son. My husband says he’s broken…torn by the pain he’s caused me. He feels like he doesn’t deserve to be in the marriage with me. That I deserve better. He wants to work things out just can’t seem to shake the guilt. He falls into relapses of guilt and sulks. He doesn’t want me to comfort him through it since I only make him feel worse when I do. I’m at a loss. I’m frustrated! I feel that if anyone should be sulking…it should be me! Yet here I am trying to be strong and work things out with him. Advice? Anyone experience this?

    • Tess, my husband sounds very similar to yours early in the discovery phase. I felt like all the energy was channeled toward him to assist in his healing. We are almost 2 years out and he went to counseling for a majority of that time. Unfortunately, I don’t feel like he completed his journey. I believe his issues are buried so deep he may never be able to retrieve and work through them. The sulking is most likely the shame that your husband feels as a failure to you, your marriage, and your family. It is also likely a cry for understanding. He might need your support as you need his. It’s a complicated situation when the one you need support from was the one you hurt and vice versa. It sounds like he has not been able to determine how you can accomplish supporting him. I also continue to feel the healing journey has been his and I have not had the focus that I need. This can cause some resentment that lingers underneath. When we argue my husband is mystified by my anger, but i am not. I have not taken the time nor made the effort toward my healing and the resentment eats away at my resolve to rebuild. Because I feel my husband has not completed his journey, I fear he is at risk for another affair and I can’t fully commit to him with that belief. If and when he falters again, I will gently send him away forever and feel secure in knowing that I will be okay without him. Please remember that you need to care for yourself in order to be there for others, not just your husband, but your son as well. Best wishes for healing! dee

  17. I struggle immensely with the sad fact that soooo many people do NOT believe a man can be blackmailed into staying in an affair due to the woman’s threats to divulge the affair to his wife and ruin his job…why is this? Why are people so resistant to believe this? It is entirely frustrating! There is evidence, and many stories, of this VERY situation! My husband was put in this horrible situation for 4 and 1/2 years and it was complete utter hell for him and there are many who find it impossible to believe. Thank you for sharing your story.

  18. Please thank your husband from me. You have no idea how much his words have meant to me. The situation you both faced are similar to mine. But it was this article that gave me the five percent I needed to fully believe him. Is there a way I can email you and your husband some questions I have? And my story? Because of the OW my husband lost his job after ten years. My husband has never ever blamed her. He took full responsibility about the affair. The whole story had holes that my husband kept from me not because he wanted to lie but because he couldn’t watch me mentally lose it or let it affect my health. She was a co worker. Ten years older, fat, ugly. When my friends saw her pic they were dumbfounded. I’m not trying to be vain but I do t look 36 I look younger. I still have men who look at me. This woman began to work at my husband store she became his best friend. My husband doesn’t like to talk but somehow she got him to open up. She always said you have such a beautiful wife such a nice family. Take your wife out. Make sure she knows you appreciate her. I’m going to post my tale despite the hurt because I think after reading what your husband wrote I may help someone or someone can help me. So the OW started cooking for everyone at work. Bringing food being super nice even buying hockey tickets for my whole family. She even introduced me to her family. Months went by she became friends with me on fb with him. She started cooking him special meals. Right around Vday my husband lost his mom. This sent him I to sn emotional tail spin. One thing I do have to say about my husband is that we fell in love quickly but we fought a lot. Our marriage the last two years before the affair wasn’t a good one. I was in such turmoil. We had sex which was great but I always wore lingerie I always initiate it. He was an ass. A huge ass. He was sullen, disrespectful. Our marriage was in trouble. I posted things on fb I told people at soccer. I was unhappy. I’ll admit it the thought of ending my marriage crossed my mind, but we have two little girls who needed us and he was and is a fantastic father. And at times he could be a fantastic husband. Then DDay happen. For weeks I noticed a change in my husband. He was texting someone all the time. He started going out with the boys. He picked a fights with me over anything and everything. One day I saw a sexual message on his phone and I got a weird feeling in my stomach. I began to go over the cell phone bills and I noticed he texted one particular number 1145 times in one month. I found out the number belong to her. I confronted him and he said they were friends but he wasn’t sure he loved me. He did everything around the house I was awful, every nasty thing that could be said to a woman to make herself doubt it all was said. To make a long story short the end of our marriage began. He said the marriage was over. He said he wasn’t havingba sexual affair it was emotional. They got reported at work and he was forced to sign a letter stating he wouldn’t text her. She wrote him a card filled with advice about how not to stay married for the kids like she did. How she couldn’t wait to fuck him and she loved him. That was the last straw. I packed up my girls and we told them we were getting divorced. The girls were hysterical. Despite our fights we had a nice soccer family. My mom came to pick me up and asked him if the other women was worth losing eighteen years? What could she offer him? That seem to wake him up and he begged me to stay and work out our marriage. I demanded he ended it. I demanded the truth I wanted to know if it got sexual he said no look at her she is nasty. I confronted her. She said she was his best friend nothing sexual had happen. She actually asked me permission to keep talking to him. Slowly we began to change our marriage. I still check the cell phone records. She was always the first text he got in the morning and the last one he got at night. He asked her to stop texting him. And one day I logged onto his fb and saw a convo they were having she saying that he would never be happy unless he left me because the stress in his life was them not being together. My husband was rude and cold to her he told her to get a life it was over he loved me. I flipped out and called her I threaten to tell her husband. A few weeks went by and I went into the store while they were both working at this point my husband had stopped going out he started coming home early and taking us to the beach, he became a totally different man. We started to talk to actually talk not fight. And the sex was fantastic. Then her husband called me. She had quit her job. But he wanted me to know what a scum bucket I was married too. How he had raped his wife sexually harassed her. He had motel slips three diffrent dates. She had paid with the husband card. I was furious and felt like a fool. The husband told me I had 24 hours to kick my husband out of MY HOME or he would do it for me. He showed me the text which sicken me. But I held it together and listen to her husband describe how nice she was how it wasn’t her fault how my husband had forced her to meet him at motel rooms and pay with her husband money. I let the man have it. I told him everything I knew. I showed him the fb messages she sent my husband. Needless to say he shut his mouth. Before I flipped out on my husband I went to his work and talk to the women who had worked their for years and knew me. Boy did I get more information than I thought I would. They told me that Tyne OW had set her sights on my husband from day one. They knew all about the affair because she told everyone. She was following me on fb so she could find out if we were fighting so she could talk to him. It was disgusting. I was shaking. But I also found out that he had ended it months prior and she warned him that If it ended he would pay.. The word blackmail was used by these women that had been to afraid to tell me but had reported him hoping he would wake up. To make a long story short after calming down my husband so he wouldn’t go to her husband house he spilled. He told me everything, how it began emotional. And they met at motels three times he never paid. But when he realized what he was losing he ended it and he realized who she really was. There wasn’t a day that went by that she didn’t say I know where your wife is I’m going to tell her. How do u think your wife and kids are going to feel when they find out u fucked me.

    • She would also tell him sleep with me or else. He would text her and be nice to her out of fear of her showing up at our home. He tried hard to let her down slowly. To explain that he wanted our marriage to work. There’s so much more that included write but in a nutshell no matter what my husband said or did the woman wasn’t satisfied with him not leaving me and the kids. So she flipped out in front of everyone at work and quit. I was ecstatic. I knew we had a lot of work to do in our marriage. I was very hurt. He was my world. He betrayed me. He lied. He had sex with that. Then phase two began. She started sending me emails and creating fake fb messages to send me messages detailing how my husband was staying with me because of my poor health. How much in love they were how she had picked out my Mother’s Day gift which was a lie my daughters went with him and my 11 year old who knew what was up would have told me. Finally she called me after I blocked her from fb. It was the day before my bday which she knew about. She told me horrible things that they did sexually. How betrayed she felt. How he promised to leave me blah blah blah. Every other word was a lie because she would say one thing and then would say something different. When I laughed she said she was going to hurt me where it would hurt the most she was going to make sure he lost his job. And she did. She saved text messages and ten years if work went down the drain. My husband is remorseful. It’s funny but the affair changed our whole entire marriage. Our family my life

      • Am I excusing what he did No. No one put a gun to his head and said have an affair. Am I excusing her no. She is a mother a wife. She stated her husband was awful the man I met that day looked broken and lost. She lied about everything, her marriage her family everything, she actually thought she was going to step into my shoes. I got such joy out of saying this to her look at yourself and look at me did u really think you were going to be parade up and down the soccer field by him, did u think he would allow u to move into my home to have a relationship with my daughter who hates you and told her father if u leave mommy for her you are nothing but a sperm donor. We live in the same small town and she tells people her story most don’t believe her. The rest call her fatal attraction. She is malicious. The last time I spoke to her I told her I would get a restraining order on her and when that didn’t stop her from contacting me I sent the cops to her house. I also found out that I’m not her only victim. My husband collected unemployment for months. Our kids went without. I saw my husband humbled in front of us. He has apolozied more times than I can count, the words that come out of his mouth are no longer insults or belittling they are words of love. We are a team. I have the marriage I’ve always wanted. He got a great new job that allows him free time. No more working nights or weekends. Our marriage is amazing. I did go to counseling he offered to go but I chose to go alone because I want to heal. There are still times we argue and I make the mistake of throwing it in his face. Those are getting better but I don’t want to dwell on that period in our life anymore,. I like the strong woman I have become. After reading your husband blog I cried. I cried because everything he wrote was what my own husband said. I did believe him when he admitted she wasn’t who he thought she was. That she blackmailed him. But there was still some doubt left. That doubt is gone. The OW are not victims. No one puts a gun to their heads and say fuck me or else. No one makes them pay with their husband credit cards for nasty motel rooms. No one says step into that wife shoes. Men are dumb but when they realize how much they have to lose they snap out of it. My marriage still needs help. I need help. Any advice on moving on, on rebuilding and on not throwing the affair in my husband face when we argue would be great. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my husband loves me. It’s very eye opening to see a man humble and break in front of u. I not only heard he was sorry about the affair I also heard him admit he hated the man he had become and how he treated me. That’s when I decided to fight for us. Other woman can say I’m dumb, once a cheater always a cheater but I don’t believe that because when I lay down next to him tonight his arm will be around me. That was something that didn’t happen two years ago..Leo advice please or thoughts thank you

  19. Connie Johnson says:

    I am going to try and say this as gently as possible. I rely really really am going to try. I want to say first off, that I only read maybe 2 or 3 paragraphs and I THAT WAS ENOUGH for me. Enough for me to see your husband for the complete ass clown that he is.

    Three things that stood out and I’m sure I could of named 100 more if I kept reading, but let me start with these. because like I said, THEY WERE ENOUGH.

    #1 So the OW wasn’t attractive? Oh so that should make it all better right? Because she wasn’t attractive, then you should let him off the hook right? Your lowered self esteem is spared because he affaired down right?

    TRANSLATION:

    “The OW not being attractive only means that I am willing to have an affair with anything that walks, tall, short, skinny, fat, honest or dishonest…doesn’t matter. What does this say about me? I use women, any woman who is willing to throw me a bone! And because because my actions have caused damage to my wife’s lowered self esteem, i must pick up the pieces by cowardly confessing how UGLY my ow was.”

    BULL – EFFING – CRAP

    But like I said I am going to try and be gentle.

    The next thing that stuck out to me was him saying he was tricked. HaHaHa! Tricked? Like how? Like she said she had the winning lottery ticket in her vagina and she needed help getting it out? Tricked like she said if he didn’t slip and accidentally fall into her vagina he might lose his job?

    GET THE EFF OUT!

    This guy is a bonafide grade A prime douche bag. And I would only be wasting my breath to go any further pointing out the ass hattery that this fool has typed, as I said, the first two paragrahs of him spewing his BS was enough.

    if you want a real dose of reality. i suggest checking out the informative infidelity expert chumplady.com.

    • Thanks so much for your words of support. It means a lot to me to know that there are people in this world who make it their mission to visit the blogs of people whk share stories of pain and hurt and offer them gently offered doses of reality. Its heart warming really.

      I wont waste my time attempting to educate you on why men have affairs or why my husband chose the words that he did to help me understand. Thankfully he wasnt trying to appeal to someone as gentle and understanding as you claim to be. Thank goodness indeed.

      • Thanks “rescue” I agree that was brutal! Every situation is different. Since I replied in 2013 things are better…but I cant ever forget. My guy has opened up in counseling and it hurts but we are working on it, I would never call him a douche bag or be mean in a blog. Connie is soooo angry.

      • RMM, I’m sorry that Ass Clowns like Connie decide (after only reading Two Paragraphs from a Single Post of yours) to download their opinion onto you.

        I respect people, but Connie deserved her Garbage thrown right back at her that she had dumped on you on your blog.

        She deserved being called Bitch, Hoe, etc., because she did not earn respect by being disrespectful to you. And honestly she’s not my favourite person because of her choice to litter her AssHolery on your blog.

      • Boy. If you don’t want opinions don’t post this stuff publicly. Seems like you’d be smart enough to figure that out and not get your panties in a wad. I agree with everything Connie said. Sorry for you to be married to such a d-bag. But hey–he makes lots of money as you post over and over. I guess that makes it all worth it? He didn’t take ANY responsibility with what he has written! He deflected the blame over and over and over. Painted himself as a victim. UGH. I’m a 3rd person–objective party here. I’m not emotionally invested in your marriage or family. So based on what you’ve written and what he has written–I’m telling you from an OBJECTIVE standpoint that your husband is a d-bag and hasn’t taken any responsibility for what HE chose to do. And if that hurts your feelings then I suggest you take down your blog and stop posting personal things. You post things on the internet–you invite opinion. Common sense, no?

        Seems to me you have a lot of personal issues besides the affair that you need to work through. You seem to need attention and affirmation from other ladies and hence why you want other betrayed women to build you up and applaud you.

        I haven’t been betrayed. I don’t know what I’d do or how I’d feel if I were in your shoes. But I’m just reading your blog, peering through the window and from what you showcase in your window and what your husband has showcased in your window I’m telling you he is a shirker of responsibility. I don’t care if he is in his 40’s. He has the mentality of a little boy. He needs to grow the hell up.

    • Connie, Go Fuck Your Asshole.

      Your armchair psychology to Rescuringmymarriage about Her Husband being an Ass Hatter, and that you’re disgusted by him is Garbage.

      Guess What Connie?

      Read this blog from start to finish, and NOT just your cherry-pick of only One Post, and Only Two Paragraphs from that Post.

      You totally deserve Ass Hattery. So here it is:

      You’re a Dumb Cunt.

      • Wow. You’re a misogynistic piece of trash. The “c” word? Really? No wonder your husband stepped out on you. What a bitter hag!

    • Connie, you are just another Idiot Twat who had decided to be an armchair psychologist to Rescuringmymarriage about Her Husband being, in your opinion, a Grade A Asshole.

      Connie, because you have felt entitled to tell RMM your soft dose of reality, then Hoe here is soft reality coming right back at you:

      You’re An Idiotic Cunt.

      And Bitch you deserve soft reality thrown right back at you only BECAUSE you had felt entitled to tell RMM about reality to her.

      So Fuck Off and I hope you fall on your own asshole and tear an addition to it while you go on your merry way browsing another blog. And Hoe I hope you get Your Asshole Fucked With when you next deliver your opinion about reality to the author of that next blog you visit.

      Also, you’re not welcome. And it wasn’t nice to meet you (…Stupid Hoe).

      • Yup. Can’t understand why your husband didn’t find you charming and attractive. Such bitter vitriol. If the writer of this blog can’t take criticism maybe she shouldn’t be posting all her personal things online. I dunno…just a thought. But regardless–if you agree or disagree with Connie you can certainly make your point without using “twat” and “cunt” and “asshole” and “bitch” and “hoe” (I think you mean “ho”–which makes you an idiot, right?)

        I mean really..grow the hell up. Get in therapy. you certainly need it.

      • SO, Sasha? I assume that you and your friend Connie must be other women who trick men into leaving their wives? Otherwise you wouldnt be so vocal. Get a grip! If you dont want to read this, then leave the blog……

    • I’m sorry- she’s right. Several posts back you posted extracts of something your husband wrote which started off with how an attractive woman at work had approached him. If upset you, understandably.
      So now he’s rewritten it so its palatable for you- but it’s not the truth.
      I know you’re in pain- I’ve been there but you won’t really truly get over this by lying to yourself.
      Your husband is still being dishonest. Really. The person above is right. Objectively he’s a d-bag.
      Now I understand why you need to believe him. I understand why you need him to blame the other woman and make himself a victim but it’s not real or the truth so you are still being deceived. Having read this I’m CERTAIN he’ll do this again, because he’s not being honest. His first attempt seemed more honest but you wouldn’t post it- so this rewrite is really your version- not his.

Trackbacks

  1. […] but also the “this is just sex, okay?” trick, a tactic Trish also used.  It is titled IN HIS OWN WORDS from RESCUING MY […]

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