Inside the mind of a mistress

I’ve just spent an hour sitting at the computer watching You Tube.  While seeking out some resources for a member of my local support group that I run, I came across a Dr. Phil episode whose topic was “Inside the mind of a mistress”.  As always, I was intrigued.

Thoughts and comments always welcome.

Parts one and two:




  1. Just watched it and it actually helped me sort through feelings I have towards my husbands mistress. I know her and talk with her once a week when we drop off the child they had together. I can’t begin to describe the pain I have dealing w this and many times I just want to run away…. Having to be constantly reminded of this is beyond difficult especially when she says that the baby is the best thing that ever happened to her. I am struggling but that episode did shed some light.

  2. says:

    Firstly I cannot get over how fat, as in rolly polly fat, and ugly these women are.
    Secondly: these men ‘buying’ them gifts in return for sex is the equivalent of being a whore. Simple.

    But the need to be whores, whoops mistresses, is all part of the narcisstic feed these women need for their ego strokes. These women are damaged girls that lack empathy and simply lack the inability to tell right from wrong. Which in itself is personality disorder.

    Then there is the notion of karma & resonance. One day their affairs will end and what are they left with?? Fck all.. No home, no goods, no narcisstic feed.
    These women will no doubt grow fatter, older and lonelier. With only have their own feaces for company.

    • says:

      Whoops couple of typos: inability should be ability… And last line should be with only their own feaces for company…

    • I can tell from you reply that you’ve been very hurt, and for that I am sorry. I think anytime somebody hurts other people who are completely innocent in order to satisfy their own selfish needs is beyond cruel.

      Within the anger of your comment, I also see the potential for some empathy. You are completely right that there is something wrong with these women. Now, each and everyone of them will jump up-and-down, stomp your feet, and with their hands in an attempt to absolve themselves of any wrongdoing, and claim that they are perfectly healthy, and that they are not sick. But, go to a mental health ward, and you will see the same thing. The first that they will do, is claimed that they two have been victimized, and the second thing they will do is blame the wife.

      For me, something that was T to my healing, and to my achieving forgiveness for my husband’s mistress, was to be able to see her as damaged. There is simply no explaining it any other way, except that women who knowingly sleep with many were married and who have children, knowing full well the pain and destruction they are contributing to, lack compassion, lack empathy, common sense, and there is just something wrong with them.

      It’s almost as if they lack the gene for self-respect, and empathy for others. I got a principal in my life is that I choose to treat other people with the same respect and courtesy that I wouldn’t turn expect. I would never make advances on another woman’s husband, the matter how tempting, because I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me. It is that simple.

      Once you can see that there is something fundamentally damaged in these women, is the first step to seeing them with compassion. I fully understand why my husband’s mistress became embroiled with him. I know exactly how the affair started, what allowed it to continue, and the two personalities that allowed it to come to fruition. I understand her vulnerabilities, and his. In the day-to-day correspondences I still have to have with this woman, I am able to see fragility of her self-esteem, the damage that her childhood has had, for lack of respect for herself, and therefore I cannot expect her to ever respect anyone else if she can’t even respect herself.

      So although at first I found your comment to be harsh, judgmental, and full of anger, I am also able to see a spark of compassion. I hope that you are able to feed that spark, and allow yourself to truly understand the reasons why affairs happen, and know that it had nothing to do with you. You only hold responsibility for your role in a marriage, not your role in an affair. You didn’t have a role. You were just innocently hurt by the selfish decisions of underdeveloped others.

      • says:

        Thank you for your considered reply. My original intention was to give opinion on these damaged women; but I guess my anger seeped thru.
        Fortunately I have also witnessed the contined destruction this damaged person commits upon other people.
        I’m also very aware how she ‘grooms’ people to like her: with her continued presence, offers to help; comment on every face book post she can; ‘friend’ every person she can on fbk that knows my husband! This just provided evidence of her narcissistic needs!
        But fortunately she has a growing cohort of men and women that are distancing themselves due to the damage she causes these others.
        As for compassion: Nelson Mandela & Ghandi before him always held the belief of compassion and forgiveness is within us all. Even for those who commit the most heinous of acts.

      • Yes, most of these whoring reprobates are sick, sick sick. I will allow compassion for some of them in certain conditions. Let us call them in analogy , nurse sharks. Our whore on the other hand is Meglomaniacally EVIL. SHE is proud that she is A GREAT WHITE SHARK. “IT” only feeds. … “IT” has no empathy, conscience or human qualities. So I will not treat it as being human. Given the opportunity, it will destroy me because in IT’S mind, it is only about her. IT is the nature of the beast. Spiteful, vengeful, cold, cruel and remorseless. And you would be wise to understand it is an evil beast if it continues to behave that way. You can not show it compassion. You have to steer clear of going into it’s murky, opportunistic waters. OR else it will strike and destroy. Compassion is a human emotion, worthy only for the victims of her trail of destruction. You are human, you have real feelings. IT does not. Just being real here.

    • You said it perfectly Donna! I just saw this episode and it is crazy hoe ignorant and desperate these “mistresses” are

  3. Thank you for sharing this. It confirms the delusions and mental illness that plays into turning a woman into an “other”woman. I can recognize the brokenness in my husband’s affair partner. I can acknowledge that she grew up with a father checked out into a long term affair and a mother who dealt with it by diving into alcoholism. I can concede this created a woman who chases married men 10+ years older than her and deliberately delights in wrecking marriages and homes while she gets her misplaced daddy fix. But I would be lying if I said I was at the point of having any sympathy for her. I know forgiveness will come someday when I am sufficiently healed. She has never apologized and indeed continues to hate, stalk and cyber bully both myself and my children over the last two years. It is the direct attacks on the kids that makes it hard to even approach forgiveness. Your blog has been a blessing in my life, as our situations have had many parallels. Thanks for always being honest and real with your victories and struggles both.

    • I’m so glad you used the term “Mental Illness” I am struggling with empathy and forgiveness for TOW and I believe mental illness is a contributing factor that deserves some credit

  4. Thanks for sharing the Dr. Phil shows. I just couldn’t get over how they justified their actions even after some of them witnessed the aftermath of what being ‘the other woman’ does. Hurray for Dr. Phil. He calls it like he sees it! Personally I’m stuck between Donna Richard’s comments and those of exercisegrace. There are days when I just feel complete and utter rage at this woman and days when I try to find forgiveness. I’m kind of stuck in the middle. When I think of all the horrible things she has done and said to me just in the hopes of destroying me personally (someone she has never met but whose life she tried to destroy), i absolutely hate her with every fibre of my being. I know she is damaged goods as I’ve learned about her history, but that still doesn’t make it okay in my books. It is like she feels justified spewing garbage and lies because she didn’t get what she wanted in the end … to destroy my marriage and take my husband. Those are the days I hate her. Through this process I have renewed my relationship with God and I pray each and every day that he helps me to find forgiveness in my heart for her. I’m working really hard at it but I can honestly say it isn’t an easy process. I have told my husband I forgive him but I don’t think I’m there 100% yet. Your blog has been a lifeline and a blessing in my life as well. Thank you for all you do.

  5. UUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! I could not make it through this episode. It really triggered my anger. As much as I’ve tried to empathize with TOW in my life I just can’t! These women make me livid

  6. TryingToHeal says:

    I too had to deal with the OW who I later found out had a confirmed personality disorder. She acted like my good friend but then turned around and lied to my husband saying that I always talked behind his back and was embarrassed by him. Of course, none of this was true. She was unhappy with her own marriage and decided she wanted my life and family. Once my husband ended it, then all the craziness started. She stalked me, my friends, and even vandalized my home. How do I let go? I blame my husband for letting this delusional woman into our lives. It’s amazing how one “ill” person can wreak such havoc in such a short time period.

    Your blog has been a wonderful resource for me as I know I am not going through this alone and my marriage may be able to endure though this crisis.

  7. Stepmom to one says:

    Just came across your blog and had to give my support. My husband had an affair years ago and has a child from the affair. I love this child like my own and feel great lose when he isn’t with us. I’m so happy to have made the decision to support my husband in going for visitation. I truly felt my stepson was a victim just like me and if we were in his life we could provide some much needed stability. He has been such a blessing to me and our family. Anyway, I just wanted to wish you all the best and let you know the pain and anger will subside.

    • Thank you Rebecca. We’ve actually healed our marriage so the pain of the affair is no longer there. We have no contact with the OC out of choice for the safety of our existing children to not have contact with the OW or for her to know what is going on in our lives. She is a stalker and a very angry and deluded woman so it is best to not further complicate things by opening our home to her.

      • I understand the choice you’ve made, and it sounds like your ow is very much like ours. We had to move to distance ourselves from the crazy and after that we would only allow contact through emails. If the emails had nothing to do with my stepson then my husband wouldn’t even respond. If she called he wouldn’t answer. I think setting strict boundaries helped the ow understand we weren’t messing around and weren’t going to feed into her delusions. My kids love their brother and having him with us makes all the pain we went through worth it. I should point out that my son and my stepson were born one month apart. I would feel horrible if I denied him the chance to know his brother. I’ve read enough online forums to see that my situation is not the norm, but it is possible to have a relationship with the oc and still keep a healthy distance from the ow.

        I’m not ashamed of my son and when he calls me mom I tear up knowing how blessed I am to have him in my life.

      • Well in my case, if we shared parenting duties, she would need to know what we are up to and when. Given her track record that is not wise. We’ve already changed schools for our children. “What, you can’t watch our daughter this weekend?” “No, we are going to be out of town”…and our house mysteriously gets vandalized. No way.

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