If you knew someone was being cheated on…would you tell?

This came up as a side conversation with some women I know. The idea came about that friends should have ground rules around whether they would, or would not want to know if their spouse was cheating, and if they would want their friends to tell them. I learned that some friends have pacts around this very thing, while some are angered at the thought of a friend telling them. What would you want?

Personally, if a friend knew my husband was cheating, I would want to know. That was the case for me even before he cheated, back when I never thought it was possible. I would want to know because I want to be in control of where I am and why in my life and if someone is cheating, I either need to exit or figure it out. I don’t ever want to be in the dark.

So tonight as I am browsing Facebook, this video comes across my feed. It’s a “just for laughs” gag that involved a cheating boss. The secretaries are being pranked into thinking their boss is committing adultery in his office and then his wife shows up. Will they tell her, or protect the boss? Watch what they all do, and then I would love to hear your comments on what you think you would have done…and as the spouse, what you would have wanted the secretary to do…



  1. bamboozled1 says:

    i think the real question is… HOW do you tell them?
    we all hear ‘youre not a real friend if you dont tell’ and ‘if it were me i would want to know’…
    but.. it can be quite a daunting thing…

    i would say you need to have proof, real deal proof… because you might get smacked in the face with their denial… and perhaps some anger at you for shattering their bubble (shooting the messenger)

    and perhaps consider confronting the cheat first… tho, we know what THEY can be like dont we…

    urgh… i dont want the job!!!

  2. Wimps. They should have warned her and sent her in, preferably with a camera.

    People are wimps in exposing affairs because they think the messenger will be shot. Well I think that rarely happens if they’re clear they’re not supporting the affair. And I would always expose the affair to the spouse. Every time. And that hasn’t changed since I was cheated on.

  3. I would have told her to go right in. Let him deal with his own choices. The fact that it is a ‘gag’ is a gross revelation as to how our society deals with affairs. They are considered a joke.

    As a cheated on spouse my heart shattering didn’t feel that funny.

  4. Funny video, by the way. LOL. On the more serious side, they should have told her. Unfortunately, I’ve been there, done that. I wish someone would have told me that my husband was screwing his secretary. I suffered at least 6 months of his extremely cruel behavior, lying all the time, coming home late with excuses, making me feel like I was the crazy one. Can you believe one night he came home late and I had dinner waiting for him. I asked him to please call me if he was going to be late. Ya know what he said? Why should I call you; I am an adult; I will come home when I want to. If you have made dinner, then put it in the oven to keep it warm for me !!!!!! I can’t tell you how crazy I felt during that time. I would continually ask him if he loved me, did he want a divorce and his answers were always, No, I love you and I don’t want a divorce. I finally went to a counselor who assured me I wasn’t crazy and he was having an affair. I shortly thereafter hired a PI and caught him on camera coming out of the hotel with her after spending the night there (yes, it’s currently on youtube). He had 105 employees, mostly women. Yes, I wish someone would have told me. No human being should EVER have to be treated this way and the coward husband who doesn’t have the guts to be above board gets the woman and leaves the wife’s life in shambles. Luckily, 2 years later and divorced, I know I am much better off without such a person in my life. And yes, the ex-husband now lives with his secretary.

  5. I wish my SIL had told me, after my husband confided in her. I know she didn’t want to break her promise to him, but that was two people lying about it to me. Because I had asked her too, if there was someone else in my husband’s life. She hated the fact that she was lying to me, but still did it. It was ‘only’ 1.5 weeks later that he told me, but that was still 1.5 weeks of not eating and sleeping for me. The worst time of my life.

    If a BS would ask me and I would know, I would definitely tell him/her.

  6. ButterflyLady says:

    Here is what I have to say. I have made an agreement to myself after living this journey that if I ever knew that someone was cheating, first I would confront the unfaithful and give them a chance to tell their spouse and if that did not happen, I would tell the betrayed. That’s it (even if they were my boss). BTW, painful video to watch since all of my spouses sexual encounters in the affair partner’s office during business hours.

  7. dotcablogger says:

    It looks like the secretary in the gag video was new and probably on the job for the first day. So the secretary was shocked …obviously… when she saw the webcam of her boss. And it looks like each of those people’s first response was to not be the messenger of bad news to the boss’s wife. So really it’s the risk of announcing bad news at where you work about your boss that these people reacted to avoid. It would be a whistle-blower situation. And whistle-blowers have Worker Compensation Boards to protect and help them. In this case of adultery, there is no professional organization who would back these secretaries up if they did whistle blow their boss’s tryst to his wife when she was there in the office.

  8. dotcablogger says:

    **RMM delete my preceding post and replace it with this. The other had typos.**

    There is also no Ombudsman for those secretaries to go to when they *Involve* themselves in their boss’s personal life by being a messenger about his affair to his wife. Maybe an Ombudsman would help any of those secretaries when she’s fired by the boss for telling news of his cheating (at the office) to his wife.

    A case for wrongful dismissal might be formulated for them by the Ombudsman. But it is the risk of their job that is the question these people think a few seconds about when surprised by their boss.

    Sadly, adultery isn’t criminal in Canada or in any other western country. So I guess that these secretaries would report bad news to his wife when they saw on the *Webcam* that he was molesting kids and teens under 18 years old. Pedophilia is criminal in all western countries and it’s universally understood as a moral wrong and it’s universally condemned.
    But in the case of adultery, it doesn’t have the same consensus and it isn’t criminal. Sad I know. So, again, reporting adultery that your boss did might get help from an Ombudsman or a WCB, or it might not. So those secretaries erred on the side of caution when surprised. And to be cautious they stayed silent.

    Well, is this cowardly? Maybe. I can only find out what I would do if I were surprised like that at my work. For sure I would want anyone to tell me if they were surprised by a view of a tryst that my husband was doing. So I would consider my own need for news. But I would have to be at the job and have that gag situation happen to me for me to know what I would do.

  9. A friend of mine was recently divorced. Her husband of 25 years left her for another woman. Twenty years ago I knew he was having an affair with another friend of mine. I never told her. I regret that now. Maybe if she’d have known early on what he was doing they could have worked on their marriage. Instead he only cheated on her the whole time they were married and once the youngest child was to graduate high school he ended up divorcing her. She was devastated. I still haven’t told her what I know. What good would it do now??? I wish I’d have told her way back when. I would expect my friends to tell me. I would want them to and I wouldn’t hold it against them,

  10. I still can’t watch even a joke about affairs. That being said, there were several people who knew about my husband’s affair for the whole eight years. These were people that we hung out with all the time, and even saw my husband and the OW sneak out to another room during our times together. Knowing that my so called friends had these secrets is extremely hard to heal from….sometimes harder than some of the actual affair stuff that my husband has worked on very hard with me. The affair only came to light when my brother inlaw found out and gave my husband two weeks to tell me. Pit actually helped him out of a spiralling hellhole of deceit and addiction to the affair that he was caught in. The spouse should always be told and be able to make choices in their own life and live in truth.

  11. I would make certain I had the facts straight and then tell my friend. Let the chips fall where they may. I wish someone could have saved me even one day of my hell, but he hid it from everyone. Videos like these are an unfortunate part of our culture that makes a joke out of infidelity and therefore sends the message that is is no big deal. There are even reality shows that glorify being a whore. Faithful spouses both male and female, have a hard road to walk in our culture today.

  12. I banished the “friends” that didn’t me tell for months about the A from our social lives. They are still involved in my FWH’s professional life, but as little as possible. The rule in our house is we only socialize with “friends of the marriage”. Those are the people that would never tolerate one of us hurting the other. The people that would step up to protect both of us.

    I totally get that being the “friend” to tell is super scary. I hope I am never in that position. I also believe a real friend means you gotta do something more than just telling the cheater he should stop lying or that the affair is a huge mistake and it will end badly….blah, blah, blah!! We all know words don’t mean diddly. It’s all about actions. If these “friends” really care about the couple, at the very least the words should be, “Stop lying now. Decide. Choose the AP or go home to your spouse, but stop lying. If you don’t, I’m going to tell your spouse.” Then…follow it up with action.

    After 3 years, my FWH still holds a tiny bit of hope that I will forgive the two banished “friends”. One of them was his best friend. What can I say? As betrayed spouses, we lose a lot. There’s a hard ass part of me that likes the fact that my FWH will have to live with some loss, too.

  13. Kathy50 says:

    I would tell. I would run and not walk to the spouse that was being cheated on. I have been at the receiving end of being betrayed by my friends. It almost hurts as bad as what you spouse has done to you.

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