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A long overdue update


Yesterday I posted a new bog entry, and it was my first in a long time.  For a while, I was writing weekly.  Some weeks, I was writing daily.  Because writing is a great outlet for me, the degree to which I wrote was a clear indication of how much I was actively ‘processing’.

In the wake of the affair discovery, I was consumed with thoughts, fears, worries, self-deprecating beliefs, and struggling to make sense of my new reality.   In the coming months, as I found greater healing, I was able to turn the blog from a place of pain to a place of encouragement and hope for betrayed spouses.   While the comments section of any given post will often find its share of negative comments from OW’s or supporters of OW’s, the feedback has always been generally positive, so I continue to want to post, both to help others through, but also to keep an ongoing diary for myself.  I am also aware that some day, my children are going to be aware of what happened, and may view the contents of this blog.  I am also aware that as a means to understand affairs that produce OC’s (Other Chlidren), that the OW’s daughter may stumble upon this blog (and won’t she get an eyeful of much of the details of her mother’s behavior that has been creatively edited from the story she will have been told about her father,  and the woman who is responsible for depriving her of a father – me.

I haven’t had any cause to update the blog in a while because things have become strangely quiet.   It has been months since we’ve hurt anything major from the OW.  By months, I may very well mean a year or more.  The fact that I don’t actually remember, and can’t accurately tell you when the last time was I consider a credit to how healed I am.  I don’t feel I need to keep copious notes of her troublesome behavior, and I no longer ruminate on her actions to the point where I simply don’t remember.   It’s nice to not remember.  Not remembering, however, doesn’t mean that I forget.  I am reminded constantly of the infidelity of my husband.  It is just a new reality for me that I am now used to.   It has woven itself into the fabric of my life, but I can honestly say that it no longer causes me pain.

For those reading this, whether a new reader or someone who has read the story cover to cover so far, knowing that I am healed and still reminded of the affair may seem disheartening.  If you are in the active chaos of discovery, or in the midst of the pain and sadness, the hurt, the grief or the hopelessness, this comment likely doesn’t bring feelings of hope.  It is unrealistic to think that you will ever be in a time where you just don’t remember or when you aren’t reminded.  The key in the healing, however, is that the reminders and the sudden back-to-conscious-awareness of your spouse’s infidelity don’t need to continue to cause the same hurt and suffering, the same put in your stomach, the same paralysis that they do now.

So how am I reminded still?

As part of my healing, I attended several workshops hosted by my friends Anne and Brian Bercht.   Our friendship grew slowly out of a place of reliance on them to heal me and navigate the journey with me to a place where I am now actively involved on their coaching team, and as a leader for a local support group for betrayed spouses.  Each time I fly across the country to attend a weekend “Take Your Life Back” seminar. I read the stories submitted by the women who are attending (we coaches like to acquaint ourselves with everyone’s story before the weekend starts), and I am given a view back into the place of pain from which they are coming.  I hear the despair in their words, I read the rocky self-esteem, the self-blame, the desperate desire to want a magic bullet, and the desire to know whether they should stay or go.   Each month at our monthly support group meetings in my city, I discuss infidelity, I listen to the stories of the men and women who attend, and I search for encouraging words to help them navigate the journey that I know so well.  As a Pinterest pinner, I have an entire pin board related to inspirational quotes that deal with pain, betrayal and loss.  Each time a new one pops up, I add it to the collection, and am reminded of the club to which I now and forever belong.

But, simply because I am reminded doesn’t mean that I am sad.  It doesn’t mean that I actively hurt.  It just means that I honor the memories of where we have been, and can speak of those events now without the pain attached to them.   It is wonderfully freeing.

This past month, as the ladies who just attended the Phoenix “Take Your Life Back” weekend have been processing their grief and adding their experiences on our private chat room, I’ve come to see how different each person’s journey is, and how individual.  Not everyone experiences hysterical bonding the way I did.   It makes me wonder why some do, and some don’t.   Some people, upon hearing the news of the affair, immediately position themselves for divorce, and the thought of reconciliation doesn’t cross their minds.  For others, their first thought is how to fight for the marriage and get past the pain.  Same crisis, different approaches.  Some people get the truth given to them, others have to find it.  Some have all of the details given when asked, others have to wait for the trickle-truth which is traumatic over and over again each time new details are revealed.  We all have such different journeys, but they all carry the same burden – it hurts like hell…until it no longer does.

None of that to say that I don’t wish it had turned out differently.  I wish my husband hadn’t made the choices he made.  I wish he had found a more constructive outlet for dealing with the pressures he was under, and for filling the void that came as a result of multiple vulnerabilities.

What I wouldn’t change, however, is what I have learned about myself, my husband, and marriage in general.  I just wish I had the ability to receive the gains without the pains.

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Comments

  1. I believe I have written on your thread before I too know the passing and reduction of the thoughts that are painfully close to the surface but even now 8 years past discovery ….pain occurs and it is still very deeply disturbing . Possibly that is because my husband left our home due to the two children he had from the adultery and the time he had been able to bond all the years I was not privy to his secret life! He did not move to a the home with the OW nor does he have nor want any relationship with her . It seems that he is so guilty from now trying to maintain the ‘father’ form of relationship with those children that he has abandoned his working through issues with me or our daughters now adults but who are still deeply effected.
    It is hard to form new relationships when this is part of your life now and we found out just after a move . We have no real relationships through the many moves that endured and none close with of extended family.

    The faith which has maintained my sanity and been the sticking point with family , friends and even some believers has been our mainstay. Not because of some cult or denomination but because of lengthy examination and learning from study of scripture. Anyone who has taken up this may also have experienced some of this ‘isolation’ due in part because of not wanting to appear to ‘judge’ others by my narrowing view of many of the things I once thought nothing of ..nor is what I am in favor of following in scripture anything really radical …but simply because those who choose not to become more informed from study of scripture of matters do not feel comfortable being aware of things I simply had no time for let alone interest. Having read that it sounds more ‘self righteous’ than I have lived it out . It is just one of the things that has been a difficult aspect of living in a marriage with someone who turned from his faith and dove into the lifestyle of adultery and debauchery with both feet!

    I forgave him and I pray for him with our daughters and I pray for the protection of those children who have little to no chance of learning anything about the Bible or Jesus Christ from either my husband’s infrequent contact with them or their mother who has overtly reviled the Bible , Jesus Christ and anything moral whatsoever , A true feminist in the most ardent and militant way ..and a self professed communist….so it is rather difficult to see how those kids will have any encouragement to learn to live in a way that protects them from the damages of the same kind of choices their parents made. They do not have any real idea of what their parents did . My husband explained to them once that their mother and he did things that hurt a lot of people! That is an understatement ..Even as they KNOW that he was married and has a family .

    Now it seems he feels since he cannot be in their lives then we do not deserve any special treatment any longer having come to know what he was doing. He has SAID ‘I ‘m sorry’ but he has departed to ‘live the life I have always wanted’ ..and now a year living away from us , not with her and basically putting more of a financial strain upon us as he pays for his separate life while we ‘pull in the purse strings ‘ ever more mindful I do not want another move at this stage in my life…It is just too much on top of everything else.

    Despite all of this I am thankful to GOD for His unspeakable gift of Salvation in Jesus Christ who has seen me through a lifetime of difficulty …so what believer hasn’t had that as part of their testimony which actually encourages me and maybe others as I know some of the perils I have been saved from , rescued from and they are considerably impressive seeing I have no real strength of my own …which is increasingly the case.
    God if faithful no matter who fails us ..and that has to be my stand …to study His word and trust Him to teach and guide …and what is better than that ? What more could we ask for? I know …I know ..a hand to hold, arms to hug ..and trustworthy strong companion which I thought I had ..and now I have to learn to wait upon the Lord to bring whatever He will to pass for my husband’s soul sake…and my hearts sake …but whether I live long enough to see that come to pass that is my ever present hope and thought. ..Prayers are what I am more and more learning to keep steadfastly at the throne ..not that I am that consistent and’good’ at it but it is the most useful and wise thing I know to do.

    Thank you for continuing to share what you do ..I agree ..perhaps someday those who are born of adultery may learn the other side of the story …if they are willing ..and someday they may appreciate what we who are betrayed go through.

    On another note…those used by adultery will perhaps stop to realize what their deception of themselves has cost them…any woman willing to be used as a ‘side dish’ is not loved only USED and that is not flattering …our culture has led some to believe this is some kind of triumphant accomplishment…sorry …that is a lie too many young insecure women take to heart and are broken and hardened by it …Pray they wake up to realize they are worthy of so much more .

  2. Is like you are speaking for me

  3. That gives me so much hope – thank you. Two years on I still have a knot in my gut thinking about discovery day, but the knife pain in my heart has diminished. I am a stronger creature now, with more self-awareness and confidence. My husband has left his stressful job and we have moved from the town that we both hated living in. To watch him battle through his guilt and make amends has validated my decision to stay and believe we have a bright future together. Our pain has not been for nought. Memories will linger of the past but we are making new memories together each day.

    • Thats wonderful to read! Getting away from the place of pain really matters for some. We moved homes also. Out kids are no longer at the same school, we drive different cars. Come to think of it, it sounds like we are in the witness protection program! Lol.

      Seeing the humility come forward is inportant. Seeing them be able to face the shame in order to do the right thing is important because they place our pain and healing above their shame and hiding. Its validating indeed. Im glad you’re well.

      • I thank you for articulating very well what so many of us long for. What is missing with an infidel when they retreat …such as my husband in his apparent self imposed exile and abandonment from relating to me and staying in our home….Though he has little to ‘no contact’ with the OW he is weekly in relationship with the children he had with her. This dynamic keeps him in a state of disconnect from me . He tries to continue some sort of relationship with our daughters who live with me and really have not spread their own wings as ‘tick tock’ the biological clock moves at a faster pace.

        They seem to be suspended in their lives as he has left all the broken pieces to us all to deal with and since moving around so much over the years our lives are pretty isolated. We now live where even the weather makes going out and even getting employment an even greater challenge to us. We go out once or twice a week to get groceries and I have come to view that time as my ‘social time’ as I have gotten to know and offer comfort and encouragement to anyone we meet in the stores. Now I actually have ‘acquaintances’ among those who work in the stores we go to !

        I look upon this as my ‘ministry’ along with sharing whatever I know and have applied to my life from my lengthy time n Bible . I look upon this now as my purpose and worth . This is true about the Word ….yet I used to have more goals . Since learning of this my effort to ‘work out’ and stay in shape has changed. I also find it difficult to make any kind of true , deeper relationships with anyone as a friend but now seem to function as the person called upon for prayer, which is no small thing but it is not the same as having a true deeper sharing of various things in life.

        My daughters are wonderful and godly women , They are beautiful and not just to me but I have a hard time with the way their own lives, though full of many interests and activities in the home are rather narrowed further by their father’s shameful life. They are gentle and loving in their consideration but they too are not confident of being with anyone in this situation and as we observe the world now through the lens of their ‘wonderful dad’ being capable of such lengthy deceit and his rejection of the reality that his departure has placed upon his daughters the kind of active relationship with me that is really HIS responsibility and privilege. He just says he ‘can’t do this anymore’ …and ‘he’s got nothing left’ …no doubt the depressive condition of a man disappointed with himself and so self centered [ from years of practice] that he cannot face the pain he has brought upon those he claimed to ‘love’ !

        So many lying lives among those who claim that their ‘blended ‘ families have suffered no real ‘damage’ has led to him believing that what he was doing , if ever found out, might cause some discomfort for a while but sooner or later we would accept the other children and my daughters would become good influences upon them!

        That may have been the case in a Utopian world of socialist communism but not in this case ..despite our daily prayers for their welfare and salvation ,…the pain of this has been too much to contemplate especially since my husband has taken the view that he ‘should’ be in the lives to the extent that those children are ‘entitled’ to equality with the children of our covenant marriage.

        This is not ‘selfish’ as the social justice may purport, as it is what the Creator and designer of life, family and marriage set forth as protective of body, soul, heart , and spirit of human beings.

        Just because cheaters who break up families and marry have been using the vulnerability of children caught in the midst of their sinful choices and caused them to have to make the best of the demands made upon them to ‘adjust’ and ‘accept ‘ the sinful arrangement as ‘normal ‘ does not follow that it is healthy or even actually ‘successful’ as they are not able to RISK the loss of the love of the parent that has placed them in the situation of ‘adapting’ to the sinful adulterous ‘blended family’!

        No matter what people may THINK is ‘working out’ many who have lived in this kind of situation have ‘gone on’ to have more difficulties than are visible on the surface of their lives!

        Learning to ‘accept ‘ what GOD has warned us is damaging such as SIN …only causes more problems of the mind and heart. That in and of itself sets people up to go on into their adult lives and repeatedly accept what is abusive t the heart , mind and soul.

        When I recall my husband being upset or not being able to handle the experiences of my condition of wounding from the discovery of his outright disregard for all the ways that this has impacted me and our family I am additionally shocked at his response to the damage HE has done.
        I realize this may seem to some like a no-brainer that someone capable of such outrageous hubris would be unable to deal with the pain he has caused, yet it again is one more unbelievable aspect of discovery of the false personae that he had us all unaware of !

        Kn owing and realizing this does not make it all that much easier to switch horses in the middle of the stream.

        When I was much younger I would have picked myself up again and gone on with pain but hope.

        I am now at the latter end of my life, I have little strength physically or mentally to ‘come back’ …at least as of yet, in the ways that people urge those in my situation to do.

        Being in a new community and having moved to the degree that more and more our family was not as connected to others even in a church community to expect others to have the same kind of ability to be ‘believable’ in their ways of possible helps it is even harder.

        Having also experienced the betrayal of family ..and a ministry associate of great length as the leadership was exposed as untrustworthy…[as many Christians today have also found to be the case …there has been a rather lengthy continued walk with Christ and personal study that has led to the exposure of the state of the present visible ‘church’ as many are now led into various new age ‘isms’ and cultish states which are not useful to helping people ]

        I also have through many ‘helpful’ venues such as seminars, counselors, therapist found that many I have happened to engage with are not really equipped to do much in terms of helping where God’s Word has not failed to offer the truth and answers for what is going on . The truth is that no one , not even GOD , will “MAKE” my husband engage and keep his vows.

        His free will was used to make the initial choices he made when he sought out escapes from the ways marriage bring pressure to bare on all who are IN it. Failing to see that there was a necessity to be open to learning he began to look into various ‘options’ to learning to live honestly in marriage.

        He had many opportunities and options due to his physical appearance and his rising star in business. We all know how the increasing of power and wealth attracts young, willing and immoral women into the lives of men who are not willing to become equipped with the wisdom of how to be content with their wives and lives and to learn to conduct themselves in ways that also protect the women who are clueless as to their own value and the danger of approaching and flirting with men !

        Many young women today who desire a morally strong man for a godly marriage are finding too many young men either not having been raised with this kind of moral backbone or too ‘gun shy’ from their own father’s lack of interest in learning how to train and teach and relate to women to want to enter into marriage.

        With the huge numbers of young women willing to make compromises there is no particular need or desire for young men not aware of the benefits of a godly relationship to bother with seeking a wife.

        So many of the present marriageable age do not even dream of a marriage but if they dream of having children , like the OW my husband has had children with …they choose to have them as “single parents’, having missed the point of why GOD had two, opposite gender parents planned for the raising , nurturing and exampling relationship skills for children.

        As I first observed about this young woman who wanted children but did NOT WANT marriage to my husband …it seemed to be like that trendy ‘purse dog’ fad…having a baby out of wedlock was no problem …the only piece of her puzzle was that it had to be with a man who seemed to be of a qualification wherein he exhibited a sense of obligation financially for the family he had already despite his wandering …and that he had MONEY to make sure he would support her children long after he had lost interest in her.

        This was exactly what happened in that she saw in my husband an ability to manipulate him through sex and guilt. It was not all that hard to see this in him as he refused to even put marriage on the table from the very first meeting .

        She was the initiator and the negotiator for the whole arrangement they had and I do know that my husband had this aspect of his character …willingness to cheat and lack of any kind of learning how to ‘defend’ himself against manipulation of those who he believed to be ‘OK” even if of low character.

        I remember thinking of the kinds of music and lyrics he began to enjoy …even as I warned him that what he THINKS and HOW he would act had a lot to do with what he continually put into his mind …just as the Bible indicates.

        My husband grew up with parents, especially a father who were adamant that no one should tell anyone else what to think about GOD! That pretty much leaves a person to make up their own god according to their own lusts!

        I want to thank you for your willingness to share you story and journey with people. I also appreciate your having deleted the foul language posts from people who , may be angry, but have no regard for how their language impacts others which is just what those who engage in adultery do …so they are no better than the infidels when lacking the couth that is basic decency on threads anywhere….and indication of the corrupted minds of those who refuse any boundaries if their own pain demands such expletives! Sad

  4. I saw a quote online recently that resonated with the idea of no longer allowing the triggers and bad memories to haunt you, I’m not sure who the author is but it goes “A friend told me a joke and I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe. She told me the same joke again and I laughed a little less. She told me the same joke over and over until I didn’t even smile at it anymore let alone laugh. My friend then said “If you can’t laugh at the same joke over and over then why do you cry over and over at things that have hurt you?”. Easier said than done of course, but it’s good to remember this tip: how people treat you is their karma, how you react to it is yours ❤

  5. Striving to Heal says:

    Dear Lovely:
    Thank you for sharing. Your comments further encourages me that what my husband and I are doing is best for our family. We have decided on no contact with the OW or OC. He pays child support and that’s it. I just can not fathom any chance of us healing if there was contact. Most people don’t understand, but I don’t care.

    • Most people won’t understand because most people don’t go through this. We are a very rare sub set of the trade Sprouses whose husband father’s a child with another woman. There is most certainly an additional grief layer, a whole lot more to process, and a lifelong prison sentence.

      In the end, it really doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks. Nobody is in a place to judge you anyway. Until they walked a mile in your shoes…

      You are doing what you need to do in order to be happy with your husband, and move forward. That recipe is going to be completely different for everyone. I know that I would not be where I am today, and our marriage would certainly not be what it is if my husband had chosen to continue contact with the other woman through having to share parenting with her. My children would’ve been exposed to undue risk and harm due to the mental instability.

      It wasn’t our choice to have our husbands sleep with another woman. It wasn’t her choice to have our families turned upside down. In the end, you have to do whatever you feel is best to heal your home, and heal your heart.

      • Striving to Heal says:

        I agree. It’s been a little over a year since I found out and I can honestly say I am in a much better place and my marriage is in a better place. We’ve still got a long way to go, but I truly believe we would not have come this far, had contact with OW or OC been a factor.

  6. Hi everyone,
    I am glad if something I shared gave anyone some encouragment .

    As far as what others think, it is hard to escape the way our culture has formed a politically correct answer to a child’s fatherlessness issue. It is presented as some kind of thing only children born out of wedlock or those abandoned physically by a father endure but there is another kind of ‘fatherlessness’ that is almost more damaging and that is where the man demonstrates to his children that they are to be raised by the mother in all areas of life . When men began to get the idea that they were only responsible for the money support then their involvement with their wives and children began to suffer.

    Their influence in teaching and expectation of what a husband and father is and does was just as absent as one who left entirely …which is almost worse . It has bred many who feel they do not have to do the ‘hard work’ of learning how to love their wives which would give their children an example that love in marriage is not all Hollywood romance .

    Expectations of those getting married have become so high in the areas which movies and romantic novels have formed in their minds that at the first sign of ‘differences’ there is a developing attitude that ‘I must have married the wrong person’ …or ‘ I don’t owe anyone any kind of accountability’ . This kind of thinking breeds more selfishness and seeking happiness whenever things become a little ‘inconvenient’ or ‘hard’ .

    Spoiled children living without the demonstration of sacrificial love on the husbands part teaches a child that if things are not perfect and he is not happy then he needs to seek elsewhere …Happiness becomes the whole point of life!

    God’s word does not tell us this…in fact it says that anyone who is living in marriage is going to experience “tribulation’ …getting along and giving up one’s own ways in order to live together in marriage rightly takes GUTS.

    I sometimes see those ads that show a sad eyed scruffy child …or dog and they are soliciting money …as simply a ploy to gain money …research into many of these organizations show that little of the funds the raise go to the actual needs of the children ….and it is sick to see they use the same sad music and photos staged to access the hearts of people who DO care about any child suffering .

    There are users everywhere and many times they will identify a ‘mark’ just like a con artist in order to gain something ….

    The statement made by Rescue…

    ” It wasn’t her choice to have our families turned upside down. In the end,”

    I feel applies to very few OW…one’s that jump into the arms of a man who has hidden his marital status….but that cannot remain the condition for too long.

    IN OUR case the OW knew from the beginning my husband was married …He hid it from me skillfully for 14 years ! So the OW KNEW that when she came to my house, saw our children’s rooms and heard me tell her about home schooling and the reason being because of our faith in Jesus Christ …then she went right home and began to urge my husband to ‘give her children’ so she could ‘be a single mom by choice’ …was nothing short of HER CHOICE TO TURN OUR FAMILY UPSIDE DOWN AND DESTROY IT>

    This is very much in keeping with the extreme feminist agenda …destroy marriages and the famly as we know it.

    Men are naive if they think this is not what is going on even as they like to think ‘Hey , free sex”!

    Nothing free about it …to date we have lost over two million dollars in child support, house buying, car buying and botox , God knows what else ….over the last many years he has kept this woman …and now he is out of our home and it is causing more and more anguish to see him doing this.

    His attempt to father those children has actually caused some mental breakdown in my husband.

    He cannot answer rationally WHAT he hopes to accomplish by leaving our home …he is not all that involved with those kids and has nothing to do with the OW.

    I am not so sure what to believe about him …but he is no longer the man I once married .

    People who worry over the child of adultery are getting their priorities mixed up …GOD told the MAN to LEAVE his father and mother and CLEAVE to his wife…PERIOD…THAT is the priority set by GOD in the beginning and affirmed by Jesus Christ.

    Man and GOD …then Man and his Wife…It is only our wicked , dark culture today that has any and all priorities mixed up with the wife and children last …if at all on the man’s schedule….

    Why? the DEVIL HATES MARRIAGE…it is the picture of Christ and the Church.

    Every man is given the ordained position to represent how Christ loves the church and there will be an accounting for how a man does this or does not .

    From what I can see ….children placed first …especially any born out of adultery …before the marriage will suffer far more from thinking that the man’s wife and children matter little compared to those who he has by adultery. Why would they not follow in his example?

    It is so self serving that a man will deny the importance of his power of influence to his wife, children and beyond but will gladly take the power of his influence to do whatever his flesh encourages him to do!

    HE indeed wants it both ways ..the freedom to sin but the blessing of marriage ….he destroys all with his God given influence using it for evil …just because he has ‘needs’

    Sex is NOT a ‘need’ as many seem to have defined it …a “NEED” is air, water, sleep, food…..a
    “need’ is something you would die without . God calls upon men before marriage to govern themselves sexually …our current culture thrusts sexual lust upon us from the earliest years ….it is a HUGE sin that is destroying hearts, minds, and future relationships.

    A man is told to keep the priorities which GOD set forth for his own as well as his wife and families best …and that also goes down through the society.

    When I discovered my husband’s adultery I asked him if he had not thought about STDs …like AIDS and he said ….” AIDS wasn’t a thing back then….” Well lets see …they began to have a lot of concern in the papers around 1988,….and even before that ….and my husband a graduate of an ivy league university started HIS infidelity with other women around 1984 …emotional at least and the sexual one with the stranger who became the parasite upon our lives in 1992…

    I only got a minor but incurable STD from his sexual infidelity …”ONLY” …but it stayed dormant for a while …which means others MAY appear if what the doctors told me is true.

    If your husband is really determined to keep himself free of further incidents I am going to suggest that he become fully transparent and understands the vulnerability he may experience as time passes ….he may begin to earn or worry about the child. I believe he needs some accountability partners who can be trusted to help him keep his vows to you and most importantly to GOD.

    Today’s culture is very much apposed to keeping ones life open to the scrutiny of anyone . Everyone feels entitled to do whatever they want . I say , if a person is not doing anything wrong there is no need to hide.

    This is an added stress to you both but it CAN BE an added issue to meet together with determination to learn how to keep your spouse first.

    My husband did not care to be accountable to anyone and resented the idea. He has always been ‘above’ the ethics that he also wanted people to believe he was keeping.

    I sorrow for this …but I pray YOU and your husbands will work this out together …it is YOUR lives as ONE life that can do wonders for the children of your family.

    As far as the children of adultery ….in our case ….they are being raised by an extreme feminist, far left [ her words in an email …not mine] and they are also being raised as atheists …the young girls word to my husband ‘I hate Christians’ …..so you cannot get anymore OPPOSITE the marriage we had …he CHOSE this ….and the OW chose to do what she did directly with destroying our family intentionally.

    She does not stay at home and does not work ..although at one time she also had a 6 figure income…

    My husband has said he wants NOTHING to do with her and ‘hates her for what she allowed him to do ‘ !

    Still not taking responsibility for his actions.

    His living alone also give others the impression he is single ..which is also A LIE …so he has made another decision based upon LIES that effects others ..even if they do not know him well.

    Lying is a terrible thing to do …it affects EVERYONE …and so he continues .

    His desire to try to be a ‘father’ to the other children was doomed from the start ….and they do know he is married and has a family …so it is a very poor example to them

    I once told him that they would be better off not knowing him as their father …despite the Hollywood version of how children growing up without their bio fathers do poorly…..but they are the product of two selfish people ….they MIGHT have had a chance of having a real , in home , dad…but the woman is still a paranah …any man with brains will not want to marry her….my husband included …she solicited him and no doubt that is her go to in order to gain some kind of hook on men who look prosperous.

    I have offered many ideas for my husband to give those kids some protective information …I don’t believe he has had the courage to do so …So he is the ‘fun’ guy with some cash …and they are going on as if they have no true father….no instruction…no guidance…no protection from the dangers of our culture today in doctrines accepted by the many.

    The oldest is now 15 and God only knows what she has already begun to do ….I am kept out of the loop of course….I pray for them…but without a true guide they will learn the hard way and fall prey to the social gospel of the day.

    And we wonder why our nation is having so many troubles ….:>0!!

  7. just my 2 cents says:

    how come you say that you have stopped contact with the OW because you don’t want your children to go through the mental stress but then you say that some day they will read this blog and find out about your husband’s affair? why would you want them to know? won’t that cause them the problems you are trying to prevent now? i can imagine that the only way that they would find out otherwise is if their half sibling came looking for them but other than that will you be telling them about their father’s indiscretion? it’s your choice to deal with the affair but to me it seems that you’re taking the ‘out of side out of mind’ approach which really isn’t dealing with the problem, it’s just pushing it so far away that you don’t think about it. should you and your husband ever divorce… how would you deal if he then decided that he wanted to be emotionally involved with his child? that would open a new can of worms. food for thought.

    • Why will we choose to tell them? Because we are a family, because we are honest with one another, because we teach accountability for our actions, and because we feel that they have a right to know that they have a half sibling in the world. It would be wrong of us to keep that a secret.

      Why do we not tell them now? For the same reason we don’t show them gory images of war and bloodshed, destruction, chaos, unrest, and horror. They are simply too young to understand the complexities of a very adult situation, and we would not wish for them to be hurt, worried, anxious, or traumatized by fear that their mom and dad, their family and their home is not in a good place. We prefer to show them a mom and dad who love and respect one another. We show them a stable home, and a loving home. When they are older, they will know what ends we went to in order to ensure that their home was protected, and how hard their mom and dad worked to save their relationship despite tremendous outward influence.

      We would also like them to know because, as men, they need to know that this is a reality, and that even the most morally obedient of men can fall into this. They need to understand it as a true threat, and learn how to reinforce their relationships with the women they love and honor. They will learn from their father what he risked, what I suffered, what we struggle with and how to ultimately resurrect from a very dark place, and how not to give up on one another.

      right now, they are too young, and that is why we will tell them later, and not now.

      As for my husband’s desire to have contact, that option exists whether or not we are married or divorced. He doesn’t need to divorce me in order to have contact. The two aren’t mutually exclusive, and being married to me isn’t what keeps him from that. The instability of the OW, a desire to not have her getting any window into our lives for the protection and safety of our intended children, and a desire to allow for stability for his child devoid of the anger and chaos that would come of the two of them seeing one another and having to relate informs his choice. I have asked him to be very honest and to tell me if he ever decides he wants contact, and he knows he can tell me that at any time. At this time, he doesn’t wish that.

      To think that our marriage and my presence is the reason for his lack of contact with his child is very short sighted I’m afraid. But, I thank you for your food for thought. Trust me when I say that it has already been well thought out.

      In terms of me pushing things out of sight, that can’t be further from the truth. I wake up every day in a new marriage with the full knowledge that I was a betrayed spouse. I coach betrayed spouses now and run suppport groups in my area counseling women and men in this situation. It is now very much a part of my identity. I write this blog, and I update it….the topic of affairs and my knowledge that mu husband had one does not ever for one moment escape me. It is a badge I will wear for life. The difference is that it no longer hurts.

  8. I agree with your reply to that comment. I may be the only one, but that “2 cents” comment seems to have come from someone with little maturity and no experience in this kind of situation, at least from the marital side. That is just MY ‘2 cents’ .

    I agree with the way you are doing what you can for the provision of information and instruction for your sons, that you can glean from your situation to be of USE to your children in terms of realizing the seriousness of how GOD instructs people and men in particular that they must govern themselves to deal with lust and greed . The world is busy encouraging these fleshly sins which is one reason things in society are such a mess and personal lives are miserable.

    If they don;t know the glorious REASON for governing themselves before marriage then how will they know the disciplines of it after …how to avoid situations, relationships, thought life, and activities that lead into such sin?

    We are to learn to submit to God and FLEE fornication for GOOD REASON …which we all now know for truth even if we did not before.

    People who know not God don’t want any accountability or authority higher than their own feelings and desires and they reap the consequences …and try to blame others or make other’s pay for their folly.

    Good for you for making every effort to deal with this and to prepare something for your sons for the future that is going to BE …I for one, applaud you!

  9. You don’t have to post this but I thought you might find this interesting to keep somewhere for yourself. I found it online and it certainly is not conclusive, but a good overview of the world as it has been more rapidly in decline in recent history. ANOTHER reason to arm our children and ourselves with the wisdom of GOD! ….for your interest.

    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
    IMMORALITY TIMELINE

    This timeline was very difficult to put together. There are very few references that list examples of immorality. It’s unfortunate that most Christians organization fails to document a history of the immorality that transpires around them. If they were to keep list of events, they’d noticed an ominous downward trend. Because we’re rapidly running out of perversions that have not been exploited, eventually the immorality timeline will stop or slow to a crawl.

    1931
    Nevada legalized most forms of gambling in the state. The Nevada legislature was motivated to build on the tourism boom that was expected in the wake of the completion of Hoover Dam.

    1946
    The Motion Picture Association of America withdraws its seal of approval for Howard Hughes’s movie “The Outlaw” after he refuses to submit film ads to the MPAA for approval.

    1948
    U.S. Supreme Court ruling, McCollum v. Board of Education:
    The court found religious instruction in public schools to be a violation of the establishment clause and therefore unconstitutional.

    1951
    The Motion Pictures Production Code specifically prohibits films dealing with abortion or narcotics.

    1952
    Ruling that motion pictures are protected by the 1st Amendment to the Constitution, the Supreme Court overturns a New York court’s ban on the showing of The Miracle, which was accused of being sacrilegious.

    1953
    Playboy magazine first emerged on the scene. The original pictures in Playboy were tame by today’s standards. The magazine’s founder Hugh Hefner has been an active spokesman for the new morality.

    1955
    The nine story Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas became the first high rise casino on the strip.

    1955
    United Artists withdraws from the Motion Picture Association refuses to issue a Production Code seal to the company’s film The Man With the Golden Arm, which deals with drug addiction.

    1955
    The American Law Institute’s model penal code omitted sodomy laws for the first time – without fanfare.

    1956
    The film industry permits references to abortion, drugs, kidnapping, and prostitution under certain circumstances.

    1961
    The Illinois legislature revised their criminal code without prohibiting sodomy. The law went into effect the following year.

    1962
    Any kind of prayer, composed by public school districts, even nondenominational prayer, is unconstitutional government sponsorship of religion, so says the Supreme Court.

    1964
    New Hampshire was the first state to sponsor a lottery, New York followed threeyears later.

    1965
    “The Pawnbroker” becomes the first major Hollywood film to feature frontal nudity.

    1966
    “Georgie Girl” becomes the first film to carry the label “recommended for mature audiences.”

    1968
    The film industry announced a rating system: “G” for general audiences; “M” for mature audiences; “R,” no one under 16 admitted without an adult guardian; and “X,” no one under 16 admitted.

    1968
    U.S. Supreme Court ruling, Epperson v. Arkansas:
    State statue banning teaching of evolution is unconstitutional. A state cannot alter any element in a course of study in order to promote a religious point of view. A state’s attempt to hide behind a nonreligious motivation will not be given credence unless that state can show a secular reason as the foundation for its actions.

    1968
    Park Theater in Los Angeles became the first theater to commercially show films with male nudity and gay themes.

    1969
    Midnight Cowboy becomes the first major X-rated film.

    1969
    Anton Szandor LaVey, called “the black pope” by many of his followers, publishes the Satanic Bible. Over the years the book has been translated into every major language, and it has been an inspiration for many well-known criminals.

    1971
    New Jersey launched the first financially successful modern lottery. The New Jersey lottery was successful because it stressed frequent action at low cost, and it returned a higher percentage of lottery revenues as prizes.

    1974
    In an effort to promote a chain of strip clubs, Larry Flynt started the Hustler Club newsletter as an inexpensive way to promote the club’s various dancers. Its popularity grew, and in 1974 he published the first issue of the magazine -Hustler. Flynt’s sleazy publication set many new lows in the field of porn.

    1977
    First published in February, Gambling Times became America’s first gambling magazine.

    1977
    After winning the post of supervisor for the City of San Francisco, Harvey Milk became the nation’s first open gay elected official. Two years later he became a martyr when he was shot to death by a fellow city supervisor.

    1980
    U.S. Supreme Court ruling, Stone v. Graham:
    The Court said posting of the Ten Commandments in the nation’s schools was unconstitutional.

    1982
    After years of appeals, the Supreme Court ruled, in Board of Education vs. Pico, that “local school boards may not remove books from school library shelves simply because they dislike the ideas contained in those books and seek by their removal to prescribe what shall be orthodox in politics, nationalism, religion or other matters of opinion.” The case was brought by students opposing a directive made by the Island Trees School District in Levittown, N.Y. ordering the removal of books considered “anti-American, anti-Christian, anti-Semitic, and just plain filthy” from school libraries.

    1983
    On June 15 te Supreme Court struck down city ordinances requiring that all second-trimester abortions be performed in a hospital; a woman seeking an abortion delay at least twenty-four hours after giving written consent and receiving biased information from the attending physician; women under age fifteen must obtain the “informed” written consent of one parent twenty-fours hour prior to an abortion; and fetal remains must be disposed of in a “humane and sanitary” manner.

    1984
    The Motion Picture Association of America and the National Association of Theater Owners creates the rating PG-13. The new rating would indicate: some material may be inappropriate for children under 13.

    1985
    California passed a law which fined physicians up to $10,000 plus a year in prison if they violated confidentiality in regards to a patient testing positive for HIV. This meant, for example, that no doctor could alert any of his staff about a patient’s HIV status prior to surgery or treatment without breaking the law.

    1985
    U.S. Supreme Court ruling: Wallace v. Jaffree
    State’s moment of silence at public school statute is unconstitutional where legislative record reveals that motivation for statute was the encouragement of prayer. Court majority silent on whether “pure” moment of silence scheme, with no bias in favor of prayer or any other mental process, would be constitutional.

    1986
    U.S. Supreme Court ruling: Bowers v. Hardwick
    In this case the Court actually voted against immorality. In a 5-4 decision the justices found that nothing in the Constitution “extend a fundamental right to homosexuals to engage in acts of consensual sodomy.” The unfavorable decision proved be a blessing for gay rights groups. within a few shorts years, nearly all sodomy laws were struck down.

    1987
    Televangelists Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggart became the centers of two major sex scandals. Bakker had an affair with a church secretary and Swaggart was found to be a frequent visitor of prostitutes.

    1990
    The movie rating standard NC-17 (No Children 17 or under) is introduced.

    1991
    The “Jerry Springer Show,” a daily, one hour talk show, which premiered on September 30. Springer helped pioneer what is commonly called trash talk TV. This is where guests of the show are encouraged to get into loud arguments or publicly display some immoral behavior.

    1992
    U.S. Supreme Court ruling: Lee v. Weisman
    Unconstitutional for a school district to provide any clergy to perform nondenominational prayer at elementary or secondary school graduation. It involves government sponsorship of worship. Court majority was particularly concerned about psychological coercion to which children, as opposed to adults, would be subjected, by having prayers that may violate their beliefs recited at their graduation ceremonies.

    1991
    Viewers first saw condom ads on TV, when Fox Television became the first major network to accept them.

    1996
    The cartoon program South Park begins airing on Comedy Central. The show quickly established itself as a tend setter for filth and blasphemy.

    1995
    Anticipating the role the internet would play in the future of gaming, Gambling Times establishes the industry’s first online gambling portal.

    1997
    On November 8, Oregon voters approved Measure 16, the “Death with Dignity Act”.Since passage of the law, few Oregonians have actually utilized it.

    1997
    President Clinton became the first sitting president to address a homosexual rights group when he spoke at a sold-out dinner speech to the Human Rights Campaign, the nation’s largest homosexual and lesbian group.

    2000
    In a 5-4 vote, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down a Nebraska ban on “partial-birth abortion,” finding it an unconstitutional violation of Roe v. Wade.

    2000
    The successful derailment of the Dr. Laura Schlessinger TV show marks one of the first times a gay led boycott was able to muster enough influence to force an alteration to network programming.

    2001
    On its June 20 episode, animated characters on Comedy Central’s South Park used the s-word a staggering 162 times – more than seven times a minute.

    2001
    In Aug the four major broadcast networks ABC, NBC, CBS, and FOX agreed to lower their standards on sex, violent, and language to complete with the already lowered standards set by cable TV networks.

    2001
    In Dec broadcaster NBC declared it would end a ban on distilled-liquor ads. The first ads were seen on the comedy program “Saturday Night Live.”

    2002
    Years of sexual abuse to minors by priests finally catches up with the Roman Catholic Church. The scandal was made all the worse by revelations of cover-ups and hush money.

    2003
    The US Supreme Court strikes down state sodomy laws. The 6 to 3 vote was an abrupt reversal of the Supreme Court’s long history of upholding laws that regulate homosexual behavior.

    2006
    The pornography industry nets $13.33 (billion) in the United States. China came in 1st with a pornography revenue of $27.41 (billion), followed by South Korea at $25.73 (billion) and finally Japan at $19.98 (billion). In the 15 countries where data was collected, the industry pulled in a total of $97.06 (billion), making it’s revenue larger than that of Microsoft, Google, Amazon, eBay, Yahoo!, Apple, Netflix and EarthLink combined. (toptenreviews.com)

    2007
    October 9- The first episode of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila aired with a rating of TV-14 for the MTV audience, which is overwhelmingly comprised of teenagers. The program is a bisexual-themed reality dating show where sixteen straight men and sixteen lesbian women drink excessively and compete for the “affections” of a bisexual woman who goes by the stage name Tila Tequila. A sequel to the show is due to air in 2008.

    2008

    Nude men engaged in multiple instances of public sex on a municipal street while police officers, on foot and bicycle, congregated nearby making no attempt to enforce public indecency regulations, according to a report on the latest homosexual-fest in San Francisco. (WND)

    Dec- According to the results of a survey released today by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy and CosmoGirl.com, 22 percent of all teen girls and 11 percent of teen girls ages 13-16 years old say they have electronically sent, or posted online, nude or semi-nude images of themselves. According to the survey, almost one in five teen boys (18 percent) say they have sent or posted nude/semi-nude images of themselves. One-third (33 percent) of young adults 36 percent of women and 31 percent of men ages 20-26 say they have sent or posted such images. (TODAY)

    2009

    Aug- A new category was introduced at this year’s Teen Choice Awards…Choice Fabulous. An award that “goes to an outstanding gentleman at the crossroads of high fashion, high society and high heels.” All but one of the nominees are openly homosexual men. The winner of the award thanked all the teenagers who voted and the gay, lesbian, transgendered, and bisexual teenagers of the nation.

    2011
    Increase in Number of Single Moms: The number of children born to single mothers is on the rise and has been since the 1960’s. In 1964, fewer than 10 percent of babies were born to single mothers. Today, that number is above 40 percent for the overall population and even higher among Hispanics and African Americans (50 and 70 percent, respectively). High-school-age girls are responsible for fewer than 10 percent of births occurring to single mothers, while women between 18 and 29 years of age are responsible for roughly 75 percent of out-of-wedlock births.
    Freer Use of “F” Word in PG-13 Movies: PG-13 movies, officially allowed one nonsexual F-word per script, are making increased use of that allotment and more. “Filmmakers are certainly using it more often, taking advantage of it,” says Joan Graves, head of the Motion Picture Association of America’s Classification and Rating Administration.
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/08/18/f-word-pg-13-movies_n_930165.html)

    Illegal Gambling on the Rise: An estimated $10 billion are wagered on the Superbowl alone every year, and $12 billion is put down on the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. Pregame.com, a sports betting information site, estimates that for every $100 bet on sports, $99 are wagered illegally. (Big Business of Illegal Gambling, http://www.cnbc.com/id/34312815?slide)

    Immoral Behavior: A 2008 survey by The Barna Group said that younger generations are twice as likely to engage in immoral behavior than Baby Boomers. Younger participants were nine times more likely to engage in sex outside of marriage, six times more likely to have lied, three times more likely to have gotten drunk, three times more likely to have gossiped, twice as likely to have viewed pornography, and twice as likely to have engaged in some form of retaliation against someone.
    (The Barna Group, “Young Adults and Liberals Struggle with Morality,” http://www.barna.org (8-25-08); Brian Lowery, managing editor, PreachingToday.com)

    Living Together, Unmarried: The share of 30- to 44-year-olds living as unmarried couples has more than doubled in the U.S. since the mid-1990s. Adults with lower levels of education–without college degrees–are twice as likely to cohabit as those with college degrees.
    Gay Marriage – Gay marriage was signed into law on June 24, 2012 in New York State after the Senate passed a “historic” bill 33-39. New York became the sixth and largest state to legalize gay marriage. Proponents of this legislation hope to send a message to other states to encourage similar laws to be passed by other states throughout the U.S.A. in an attempt to place gay “marriage” under the same accepted standards as traditional marriage.

    Sexual Child Abuse – The tragic Penn State child sex abuse scandal broke in 2011 and became a widely publicized scandal once the truth started to leak out. The shocking discovery of longtime university, former football assistant coach Jerry Sandusky’s sexual assault of at least eight underage boys which took place on or near university property. These molestations dated as far back as 1994-2009 (52 counts). Although some say that the abuse may have dated as far back as the 1970s. Grand jury findings charged several high-level school officials with perjury also resulting in suspension or dismissal from their duties. In the midst of the scandal school president Graham Spence was forced to resign and head football coach Joe Paterno was fired, late in the 2011-2012 season, while Sandusky still proclaimed his innocence.

    2012

    Sexual Child Abuse – On June 11, 2012 Jerry Sandusky’s trial on 52 charges of sexual crimes against children was held at the Centre County Courthouse in Bellefonte, Pennsylvania. Four charges were dropped, leaving 48. On June 23, 2012, Sandusky was found guilty on 45 of 48 counts of sexual abuse. Snadusky is now faced with a minimum sentence of 60 years, which is essentially a life sentence considering his age.Furthermore, the fallout from the Sandusky scandal has caused Penn State a host of a problems:

    An independent investigation commissioned by the PSU board and conducted by former FBI director Lous Fench stated that Spanier and Paterno, along with athletic director Tim Curley and vice president Gary Schultz had known about the allegations of Sandusky’s child abuse allegations and were complicit in failing to disclose them showing a total disregard for the safety and welfare of those who had been victimized by Sandusky for a span of 14 years.

    California Bans “Gay Cure” Therapy – Lawmakers Say They Want to Protect “Sissy Boys” – A bill prohibiting the use of controversial therapy aimed at “curing” homosexuality on gay teenagers has been approved by California’s Assembly, bringing the state a step closer to becoming the first in the U.S. to outlaw the practice. The vote in the Democratic-controlled Assembly on Tuesday, August 28, 2012 represented a major victory for gay rights advocates who insist that so-called conversion therapy has no medical basis because homosexuality is “ not a disorder.” Democrat Richardo Lara, one of several openly gay legislators to push forward the bill during the debate, urged Assembly members to stand with “sissy boys.”

    “Gay Kiss-In” Day – The vandalism incident came on a day gay activists called for a “gay kiss-in ”at Chick-fil-A restaurants. Supporters have stressed that gays have always been welcome at Chick-fil-A restaurants, and the real issue is about one’s First Amendment rights to freedom of speech to voice personal opinions.

    Outright Lying by the U.S. President – On August 13, 2012 President Obama falsely accused Republican Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan of standing in the way of the farmers’ drought recovery bill. “I am told that Governor Romney’s new running mate, Paul Ryan, might be around Iowa the next few days,” he said while in Council Bluffs, Iowa. “He is one of the leaders of Congress standing in the way. So if you happen to see Congressman Ryan, tell him how important this farm bill is to Iowa and our rural communities.” This false statement was captured on videotape.
    Truth: House Republicans passed the farm bill on August 2, two weeks prior to Obama’s accusatory false statement (Paul Ryan voted yes).
    http://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2012/08/fail-obama-slams-ryan-for-not-passing-farm-bill-that-he-passed-2-weeks-ago-video/

    2013

    The Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance Results – Results from the 2013 national YRBS indicated that many high school students are engaged in priority health-risk behaviors associated with the leading causes of death among persons aged 10–24 years in the United States. During the 30 days before the survey, 41.4% of high school students nationwide among the 64.7% who drove a car or other vehicle during the 30 days before the survey had texted or e-mailed while driving, 34.9% had drunk alcohol, and 23.4% had used marijuana. During the 12 months before the survey, 14.8% had been electronically bullied, 19.6% had been bullied on school property, and 8.0% had attempted suicide. Many high school students nationwide are engaged in sexual risk behaviors that contribute to unintended pregnancies and STIs, including HIV infection.

    Nearly half (46.8%) of students had ever had sexual intercourse. Results from the 2013 national YRBS also indicate many high school students are engaged in behaviors associated with chronic diseases, such as cardiovascular disease, cancer, and diabetes. During the 30 days before the survey, 15.7% of high school students had smoked cigarettes and 8.8% had used smokeless tobacco. During the 7 days before the survey, 5.0% of high school students had not eaten fruit or drunk 100% fruit juices and 6.6% had not eaten vegetables. More than one-third (41.3%) had played video or computer games or used a computer for something that was not school work for 3 or more hours per day on an average school day.

    2014

    Recreational Marijuana – Colorado began allowing the sale of recreational marijuana on January 1 to anyone age 21 or older. Residents can now buy marijuana like alcohol — except the cannabis purchase is limited to an ounce. http://www.cnn.com/2013/12/28/us/10-things-colorado-recreational-marijuana/

    http://www.raptureready.com/time/rap31f.html

  10. Blind sided says:

    Thank you soon much for this blog! I am in the middle of an OW and OC. It was a secret for 4 years and just was discovered. I am in such great pain and don’t know if I can ever get through this. I don’t know if I am as strong as you to fight. My daughter is grown and I have no self esteem left. I have been married for 36 years. This is truly the end of my world. My husband kept his secret, he does not love her and does not know the child. I believe he was trapped by an illegal who just wanted money and a ticket to stay in America. My first thought was not divorce but ” how will my life ever be the same?” That is my struggle. I do know that I will have to heal as you did and things will never ever be what they were… with him or without. I don’t know where to turn or what to do. I am lost.

  11. Dear Blindsided.

    How I relate to your pain! When I discovered my husband’s adultery and the two children at that time we had been married 26 years….now 34 years but he has left our home. The children were three and seven at that time but that meant that he had bonded with them . That effected his way of viewing his responsibilities to them rather than me and our family in a relationship kind of way.

    That your husband has not had any relationship with the OC is one thing that “helps” somewhat and that he does not love the OW .

    Yet there is little right now that will help your broken heart I know . I love the Lord and have been in the Word for 46 years and counting . Really IN the Word but still the broken heart from betrayal of this kind explains a bit about why it is so fiercely forbidden in the Bible . It is a break that surpasses most every other kind of pain. Death is something that we know will eventually come to us ….those who have Christ have passed from death unto life IN HIM yet all who live will pass away in terms of our flesh …unless we are alive at the time of the Rapture which is promised to the last generation to be alive at the time of that event.

    Your pain is something I know a bit about since my life was hid in Christ but my marriage was everything in terms of this life and how I had hoped it to be more and more growing in it’s varioius ways the Lord advises us to live in it and also to be a testimony to His great love and power in us as an image of Christ with His bride the Church.

    My husband knew this but did not want to pursue a life that was IN Christ nor take part in learning those things he once had insisted he was looking forward to learning in marriage to me and a life long walk together.

    So I continued even when he decided to not follow and continue in the faith . He got more and more influenced by the world , the flesh and the devil since he did not want to retain the knowledge of God . The outcome was JUST as the Bible tells us it would be. And he is miserable but too proud to return to Christ or me or our family.

    He still is around. He still pays the bills and for that I am thankful . One of the hardest ‘lessons’ for me is to daily lay down my various emotions still brewing after eight years of this aftermath.

    How I have done day by day is exactly as the walk of our faith requires …daily seeking to learn from Christ HOW to apply His Word to my understanding and how to access His love during my low points. I confess I have triggers daily but they are less and less . I do not want to lost hope of a reconciliation with my husband but I also know that unless he decides to repent and begin effort to submit to Christ that change will be one-sided and in his actions I have not seen any indication that he is willing to become transparent or accountable . Both of those things are really important to me after all of this.

    Praying for those who persecute us ….betray us , hate us or deceive us is one HUGE lesson that we hope is not part of our lives but as Christians we are told that we might expect such treatment if we stand up for our Lord and our faith.

    We live in a time when deception is a HUGE activity that is abounding without and within the church sadly . People of the faith have to deal with what Jesus told us would be the case more and more toward the end of the age with courage to take up the Word and keep it …and act upon it.

    All of which is an act of our WILL …sometimes inspite of our emotions and broken hearts. Hard stuff but it is there where we see that Jesus Christ is not without knowledge of our state and even if we are completely alone in our situation and cannot expect others to relate …in a world now where people actually ‘expect’ infidelity it is hard….yet Jesus Christ is the same yesterday,today and always and He has promised to never leave us nor forsake us.

    Others who betray us may …and others who love us may not understand the impact as our culture does not KNOW from the way those hurt by betrayal of their marriage vows behave …we don’t know how to deal with it …we don’t want to burden others with our sorrow …IT is best if our spouse who has broken their vows would repent and genuinely seek help to understand what we need but many times that is not something THEY know how to do since if they had had the maturity to seek to learn how to be IN marriage and to protect it from infidelity they would not need to get help in this now .

    Jesus Christ warned us and gave us much information how to protect our emotions and our attachments that were to be grown with our spouse ONLY …and as the priority …Today we need to be more and more equipped by the Word since many who claim to know the way God’s word counsels marriages in trouble are not really instructed by their own study of the Word and don’t have experience in walking by the way the Lord speaks to us . Their counsel is often well meant but not taught by the Lord but by man’s instruction in ‘methods’ rather than the depth of the way GOD will take us through situations .

    I found some comfort and appreciation of other’s who went through tough times and situations ….many books written about the way people overcame huge difficulties and imprisonments. But the best of all is the Word itself which I see more and more how much reading the whole Bible and allowing it to wash over me is so important.

    Will my marriage be ‘healed’ …this I have not abandoned hope but more for the sake of my husband’s soul I pray he will wake up to what is given to us to know so that he will understand that mercy and forgiveness are available from the Lord and from me IF he will receive it .

    Your husband may find that in order to receive forgiveness it is not his feeling badly that is the point but his becoming humble to the Lord first …to seek in the Word with a heart turned toward the Lord and asking for understanding of the scriptures …asking the Lord Jesus Christ to teach him …move him from within as the Word is sown and hidden in his heart in how to help you through this .

    Focus upon YOUR broken heart may mean everything to you and to your marriage. I know how hard this is for you ….believe me …I miss my husband every day ..and every night …sleeping with heat packs as a ‘surrogate ‘ hubby …sad to say …I miss having that confidence in his words…He does not seem to want transparency since he has lived his dual life for so many years and seems unable to live authentically

    The sin of adultery darkens the mind like no other in my observation. The Bible tells us that rebellion is as the sin of witch craft . Rebellion exists when people reject the accountability to a loving God who has provided knowledge and will give understanding to those who ASK …in Jesus Name.

    To reject this opportunity leads to more and more captivity to darkened mental state where eventually there is less and less interest in learning how to live godly which is so much healthier and leads to healing.

    I pray that you will endure and continue to seek out the things that GOD has provided for us to learn …they may not provide you with instant changes …or with what you THINK you want ….sometimes the life we think we want is not really clear to us …our memories and our dreams which we thought were ours in our married and family lives were only part of the story and now we must allow the Lord and time to enable us to live despite those disappointments and betrayals …for ultimately it is something I have been learning …all people will disappoint us …but the hardest thing for me to accept is that those who I have thought were upstanding and trustworthy were actually the most skilled at deliberate deceit.

    I pray that your situation will so much better as the days go by …yes we will not have the marriage we HAD but then …for me considering the man my husband has turned out to be all this time …not sure I would want that man ….that is what the transforming power of the Lord Jesus Christ will bring about IF my husband is willing …so far it is a ‘future ‘ possibility and it is known only to God when or even if that will occur….man has a free will GOD will not tamper with without invitation …but the devil delights in tempting people who are unaware of their vulnerabilities to sin and do not realize the depth of darkness and depravity sin brings about . Deliberate and willful sin continued calls for prayer by those who are able to do so and are commanded by the Lord for those who sin against us …who persecute us …who despite-fully use us … Hard but there again it is something I ask Him to help me obey daily.

    I thank God for His mercy and grace…

    Mat 5:7 Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.

    Prov 3:3 My son, forget not my law; but let thine heart keep my commandments:
    2 For length of days, and long life, and peace, shall they add to thee.
    3 Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart:
    4 So shalt thou find favour and good understanding in the sight of God and man.
    5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
    6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
    7 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the Lord, and depart from evil.
    8 It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

    I know sometimes in our pain we do not want ‘Long life’ as the Lord tells us ….we are so devastated with this discovery that we consider our lives ‘over” but that is just another form of living according to our flesh! AWK!
    We need to lean into our Lord ….we need to think what HE thinks . This His thoughts…it is a discipline we may have not taken up too seriously but NOW we NEED to take hold of our thought life…we cannot think TWO thoughts at the same time …and so the principle …even if we fail at it is to KEEP “getting back on the horse” …keep starting ‘over’ with the renewed mind upon HIS Word and HIS life.

    2Co 10:5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

    I don’t know about others but I know I cannot make my husband do anything …I do not want to be a manipulator …HE will have to come to the point of wanting to seek out the Lord and to want to make deliberate changes in the way he thinks and lives his life. I have tried over our entire relationship to offer him good demonstrations of faith and walking after the Lord and the process of the way the Lord works in us to little by little transform our lives . My husband was blind to all of the good things …at least he did not value me or our marriage and family enough to think he was risking losing anything of value. He told me he did not think of it as a ‘risk’ …that is how blinded he was . He thought he was loving me while cheating and lying …and stealing from all of us ..including himself .

    That is the very definition of deception …people think they know what is good when they don’t have any idea what God ‘s definition of ‘good ‘ is . that was the first deception in Genesis ..and it is still the big one today .

    So the “work’ is God’s work IN us when we are willing to do our part…keep His Word in our minds and follow after them….and Jesus Christ will work IN those who are willing to do so.

    Psa 107:20 He sent his WORD, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.

    May the Lord bless you with healing as you navigate your emotions at this time and help you daily live through this coming out with strength you have not known but more …a knowledge of His strength that goes beyond our own.

  12. Hello!
    I’m throughly enjoying reading your blog…as much as someone in this situation can I suppose…One question, are you available for questions or private coaching? Just curious as my story is similar to yours and we are just starting out the journey to saving our marriage.
    Thank you for sharing your experiences! You really are making a difference!!! 🙂

  13. I have been reading your blog for a couple of years now. Your situation mirrors mine almost so much that I thought your OW was mine! I read a little of your blog to my husband. He is in a really low place right now. For the first time since 2011 he said he would actually love to talk to your husband in regards to his feelings about the OC and OW. He’s never wanted to talk to anyone before. One big issue for him is how has your husband handled any guilt in regards to the OC and no contact? We both agreed to no contact but the OW is stalking him and pretty much throwing the OC in his face knowing that if she does it enough, he might break. We desperately need to work on our marriage and there is no way the OC or OW could be a part of our lives and have that happen. OW is about as unstable and mental as they come. I think my husband is looking for reassurance that things can/will get better and that he’s not a terrible person for putting his wife and family first.

    Has your husband ever spoke one on one with somebody or even done a small group session for husbands in similar situations?

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