Rethinking Infidelity: A Ted Talk by Esther Perel

I listened to this talk last year and enjoyed it.  I thought I could pass it on for those who are interested.



  1. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I was in the depths of despair last night finding out that last year my husband of nearly 30 years had chosen to embark on a relationship. It had started with a kiss and could have ended there, but he was easily persuaded that the kiss was as good as adultery so it might as well develop. Within a few months of occasional meetings she was pushing him to divorce me. I have been completely destroyed by this to the extent of attempting suicide. I am now on antidepressants, but my husband is still with me. I am living overseas and have no family or friends to talk to.

  2. Darlene says:

    Here I am up late searching the internet for information again and just as I am doing that, this email arrives. Thank you so very much for the support tonight.

  3. Ugh. I despise Ester Perrel. She is simply an apologist for adultery and would have us ignore the devastation and trauma of betrayal on the betrayed. She would instead have us focus on the “yearnings” of the betrayer, as if we all don’t have wants, yearnings and desires. The difference is in how we faithful deal with issues intelligently, maturely, compassionately and not lying and deceiving those we purport to love. Moreover, these conversations need to occur BEFORE acting out on childish impulses. But that requires courage, integrity, maturity, traits that she apparently is not interested in discussing. Discussions after betrayal are simply self-serving and opportunistic as trust has been broken but more importantly the faithful is deeply traumatized. The faithful need to time to heal and recover and then much later decide if and how they want to continue in a relationship with someone who has demonstrated that they are not trustworthy. Attempting these conversations shortly after discovery is opportunistic, manipulative, and appallingly inconsiderate and selfish.
    We can rethink relationships…but not betrayal.

    • I agree wholeheartedly. She has a great perspective on marraige. But she dismisses the pathology of the betrayed. Atleast, in my case, my partner has alot of personal history that he cannot face which set him on the road to betrayal (his cheating was acting out his resentment towards me both because I refuse to accept selfish and immature behavior and because of his misplaced anger towards his mother–and you don’t need Freud to see that.)

  4. I just happened across your blog. It has given me new hope when I have fallen into a dark pit. Are you available to talk through email? Or I guess just a private talk rather than through the blog.

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