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About Me

I am a 37 year old mother to three children. In early 2010, my husband disclosed that he had been having an extramarital relationship with a woman he worked with. In that moment, our world as we know it came crashing down and fell apart. This blog documents our journey together as we work to rebuild the trust in our marriage, patch whatever contributed to the affair, and rediscover a stronger bond.

As I struggle daily with the after effects of the affair, I often find myself seeking resources online about infidelity and how to cope. I do this not only to gain information on what to expect in this process, but also in a hopeful attempt to show myself that I am not alone, and that there are people out there who understand, who have been there, and that my feelings are not wrong, inappropriate, awkward or unexpected.

I started this blog because I thought that my story might help others who are going through the same struggles. I started this blog because I love to write, and feel that I express myself best in written words. Finally, I started this blog because I thought it would be healing for me to have an outlet where I could write my thoughts, share my story, and track our progress. This blog will be read by my husband, and provide him valuable insights into what I am feeling and thinking, especially on days when we can’t connect due to distance. He is fully supportive of this blog, and I look forward to sharing my journey. This blog is also followed by many readers who choose to receive email updates each time I post. If you think you would like that, please consider signing up on the main page, in the right hand upper side.

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Comments

  1. Hi.

    You have left some comments on my blog recently, and I wanted to pop by and say I’m sorry you’re going through this. I am one year out from D-Day today, and I am sure had I found your blog earlier in my ongoing recovery, I would have read it almost obsessively, as I did a few others who seemed to be in the same place as me. Right now though, I am determined to move past the dwelling and constant reminders of my husband’s affair… I have purposely deleted the bookmarks of blogs I have followed in the past year, because in browsing my bookmarks innocently every single day, I would click and be dragged back into the affair stuff. Since I stopped doing that, I have found myself thinking about it so much less. I hadn’t realised that by reading affair blogs all the time, the affair still had that power over me. I was consciously keeping it a part of everyday life.

    I truly believe that blogging and reading other blogs has helped me tremendously, as I hope it has you too… but when you run out of things to vent… when you start going over the same stuff over and over, I think it’s time to let it go. I hope you can when the time is right for YOU. I am sending you massive strength and lots of love. An affair is the worst thing anyone can go through (in my opinion) and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I’m going to read some of your writing now, but maybe not so much in the future – I hope you understand. I will, however keep you in my thoughts and hope you and your marriage survive and find true happiness again xxx

    • lookingforward, thank you. You are completely right that it can be so completely consuming, and I applaud your choice to willingly let it go, and focus on activities that don’t keep you there. For me, I find that the helping of others through my writing, may end up coming back to make me heal better. I love to write, and I find that venting it, even on a blog, is helpful. My husband reads each post, as I make it. It is my testament to what happened, where we were and where we are now. I want the story to be available to others going through this, who may find it early in their journey. I find that I think of it less and less, and it doesn’t consume me the way it did. We are making great progress, and I will be writing about that soon. I kinda wanted the blog to make sense in a timeline way – the older and crappier stuff first, then the lessons and the recovery. Strength to you too 🙂

  2. I am on a similar journey.I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.x

  3. Stefani says:

    Hey I just came across your blog the other day… I just caught my husband cheating on me.
    I did the same thing you did. I didn’t kick him out I told him to stay. But now I’m struggling… Is there really hope to be able to move forward? We have only been married 1 1/2 years and have a precious 7 month old son and I just found out I’m due for my second baby. So it has been a really hard summer. I just need some advice and help to know how to get though this.

  4. I have been reading your blog religiously for the past couple weeks. My husband and I have been married for 18 years, 3 children, and I found out 3 months ago he had been having an affair for nearly 5 months. Like most, I always said I would never stand for it. But I didn’t leave, and I didn’t make him leave. We are struggling, trying to work on our marriage, but some days are so dark and difficult, I don’t know if I can. Reading your blog helps me in so many ways, your feelings on marriage and family are very similar to mine and it helps to know that there is someone else who is standing up to all the nay-sayers and making their marriage a priority. The way I see it, we will either come out better in the end or not at all, but at least we gave it all we had.

  5. i love, love, looooove your blog ,,,thank uuuu sooooo very much for your story, for sharing it ..
    i have so much anger, so much pain, sometimes i think i wont be able to go on and have a normal life ever again…my husband had a loonngggg time affair with a whore from his work, that bitch knew he was married ,she persued him, manipulated him for years, scaring him that she would call me… welllllll the bitch did, a year and a half ago…. since that day ive been in hell everyday….your blog has been a God send in so many ways,reading you i felt it was my story. you’ve giving me so many answers,it helps me to understand that it had nothingggg to do with me even if my husband has told me many times, to hear someone that has gone through the same awful nightmare i am is amazing to knowww that im notttt alone.my husband too has been wonderful, he is doing everything and anything to save our marriage(29 years). hes like a new man since that day,FREE from that discusting whore he was seeing, she doesnt have a hold on him anymore…but she certainly has a hold on ME…hopefully one day ill be happy again ,thank you soooo much…
    Lyne

  6. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am coming up on the one year anniversary from when I found out about my husband’s affair. I find myself feeling sad, and overwhelmed with my emotions, and with thoughts of reliving some of the events of when I found out.

    The affair started a week after I left on a deployment to Afghanistan. This really hurt me, especially because I never would have believed that my husband would be capable of hurting me in this way. We have been together for 14 years and married for 10. His affair was the product of an online relationship with someone with whom he connected. The OW knew I was deployed, and she herself was experiencing some difficulties in her marriage (now divorced). My husband has been honest with all of the details of the affair, but I still struggle with accepting this happening to me. We have a beautiful 3 year old son. At the time of my absence (deployment) my son was 13 months, and my husband had to assume all of the responsibilities of being a single parent. I was gone for 10 months. My husband said he stopped the inappropriate relationship with this other woman prior to my return, but they continued a “friendship”. He has said some very hurtful things, that he says he now regrets. He says I am the one he loves and that he made a mistake. They only met once and according to him they only kissed (I only believe this because my infant son was with them when they met (which infuriates me even more).

    I found out about the affair almost a year ago when I picked up his phone and saw the inappropriate texting between the two of them. The explanation I got is that it was “not as I saw it”, they were only friends… So, why were they exchanging inappropriate words? My husband says that he became jealous over the OW starting a new relationship with another man, and so they started talking inappropriately once again. At first all I wanted was out of the marriage. He fought against it, and begged me to forgive him. This time cutting all contact with the OW. We have been trying and we have healed some, but I still hurt. I don’t think I will ever get over the fact that I wasn’t enough for him. The most painful thing for me is that he was blinded by an infatuation he believed was loved. He said he loved us both at the same time. He is a good man with many wonderful qualities, but I don’t know if I can ever completely get over it. I hate the OW with all of my heart and I hate that I have given her so much control over my happiness.

    Your words give me encouragement and validate my own feelings. Thank you for making me feel as if I’m not crazy.

    Big hugs! I pray that you and your family continue to heal and are happy.

    • It’s important that you do some healing and if you would like a resource I would be happy to help. Affairs don’t happen because the wives “aren’t enough”. Affairs have very little to do with us at all. I don’t say that to make myself feel better; this is actual truth as evidenced by those who study this behavior and the roots of why. It has a lot more to do with what is missing for him, and what the affair “represented”. It’s not about her and something special she brought in, it is what she represented. Affairs are merely fantasy escapes from reality with someone who makes you feel alive, who strokes your ego and reflects back to you a view of yourself that perhaps has long been missing. OW and those who sit on the other side will be very quick to condemn you, as the wife, and say that it was something you lacked. That’s their own ego needing to believe that. Vilifying you and making you the horrible one helps to justify why their behavior was ok. Sleeping with a married man is never ok. What your husband did was wrong, and there is no excuse. There is, however, a reason, and that reason is much more complex than “I wasn’t enough”. The truth is that there was something missing. Some crisis event that triggered a desperate need for escape and a coping strategy that was unacceptable. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you it was your fault. That’s like telling a rape victim that it was her fault, or a child abuse survivor that they deserved it. Nope.

  7. bornstein_carolina@yahoo.com says:

    Thank you for your words. This weekend has been extremely hard because I found on his drive poems about loss of love and when I asked him about why he had them his response was that he enjoys this type of poetry. I know better, I know they describe the pain he felt for the loss of the OW. Finally, this morning he admitted to it. He says they are from when I first found out about the affair and that it did help him cope with the loss, but I feel infuriated that he felt any loss or pain. I want to be selfish and don’t want him to hurt over losing someone else. If he hurts it should be over me, and losing his family. He tells me he made a mistake and wants us to move on and leave those events in the past. I wish I could. I sometimes have nightmares about the affair. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to continue in this marriage, despite how much I love and care for him. The way I see it, he should not want to hold on to anything related to that woman. I know he is a human and feels, but I’m jealous of the passion I’ve seen ignited in him by this woman. I feel like I’m the crazy one.

    Thank you!

  8. Veronique says:

    I read from your husband’s blog that he was being threatened by his affair partner. Did u believe him when he tokd u this? What did the affair partner ask for that held your husband ransom?

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