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How brazen of her


***This post is being misunderstood and so it behoves me to put this disclaimer at the top so that the same misunderstanding doesn’t continue.

This post and the analogies it outlines have nothing to do with the wayward spouse’s choice, their decision making,
or explaining their behavior. This post, is instead about YOU the betrayed wife and how society and often the OW and her posse of supporters ridicule you for standing by and fighting for a your marriage instead of us just handing them our husbands. The analogy isn’t meant to describe his actions or the why…it’s about YOUR choices and the why. Please read from that point of view. And for what it’s worth, no, I don’t believe wayward spouses are victims…****

Imagine if you will a mother, any mother.  Her hair can be any colour.  Her body type can be thin or not.  Her hair can be curly or straight.  It doesn’t matter really, what she looks like, all you need to know is that the only thing she has ever wanted to do was to be a mom.

I am going to call this mom Cara.

Cara struggled for many years to have a child.  After many failed attempts, she finally hears the news her heart has been waiting for.  She has been blessed with a child.  She pours everything into being a mother.

At first, parenthood is a struggle.  The learning curve is steep and there are bumps along the way.   Cara makes her share of mistakes, but she is doing the best she can, and learning as she goes.  After all, parenting doesn’t come with a manual.

Like any mother, Cara is invested in her child, often at the expense of herself.  She sacrifices a lot for her child, and her life has certainly changed.  She puts so much into this child, and would give anything to see her grow up healthy and strong.  Certainly Cara is also human, and sometimes isn’t always the best mother, and doesn’t always make the best choices, but she wakes up every morning, still dedicated, still trying, and ever hopeful that this creation of hers will succeed.

One day, shortly after her 10th birthday, Cara’s daughter fails to come home from school.  A search ensues and no one can find her anywhere.  She has essentially disappeared.  Her mother is frantic, and sick with worry.  All of the years flash before her eyes.  All of her firsts, all of their struggles, all of their successes and good times – Gone.

After several weeks, her daughter is located.  It is discovered that Cara’s daughter had been kidnapped and held by a childless woman who wanted to have a child, and tried to claim Cara’s daughter as her own.   For many years, this woman too had tried to have a child and was not successful.   Desperate, she soon gave up the dream of having her own child in favour of simply stealing someone else’s.  She made a plan, and decided that she would seek out a child of her liking, and then when the timing was right, would abduct her, claim her as her own, and raise the child.  She gave little or no thought to Cara’s heartache.  She completely disregarded the pain and torment she was putting Cara and her family through because her needs came first.  Social conventions of right and wrong were cast aside, and morals thrown out the window.  “She” was the only person who mattered here, and her happiness was paramount to all others.

Once the identity of the abductor is known, Cara fights tirelessly to get her daughter back.  She cries herself to sleep at night, worried that she has lost the precious creation she has cared for and nurtured all these years.  She starts each day in the darkest place imaginable, but with the desire to fight and find her child once more.  The abductor ups the ante and starts sending Cara messages, taunting her, telling her how much happier her daughter is with her, how much she resents her mother, and how she should just move on and let her daughter go.  Cara can’t imagine her daughter ever feeling that way, and the words simply don’t fit with the experience and the relationship Cara knows to be true.  Confused and paralyzed with fear, anger, resentment and worry, she gets up each day trying to get one step closer to her child.   All the while struggling, Cara maintains a brave face for those around her.  She has been told by the abductor that if she says anything to anyone that her daughter will be harmed, so she puts on a brave face every day, and no one knows the inner struggle she faces each day.   While colleagues and family are busy making demands of her, disrespecting her time and overloading her, she cries out on the inside that none of them would do this, if they “really knew what was going on”.  They wouldn’t dare pile this on her.  But they don’t know….so they do, and so it continues, until one day Cara’s daughter escapes and comes home.   Tearful and full of regret, she confesses to her mother that she made some poor choices, against her better judgment, and that due to her actions, she put herself in harm’s way, and in a situation where she was vulnerable, and then the unthinkable happened, and she was taken.  Cara is just relieved to have her back.

Within a few days, threatening letters and emails start coming her way.   Letters from the abductor threatening to repeat the abduction.  Threads of doubt and uncertainty are planted within Cara’s mind that her daughter will leave willingly, having favoured perhaps the other woman’s lifestyle, her home, the material and shallow possessions.  Cara is blasted as a sad and pathetic woman, a horrible mother, a selfish person who doesn’t deserve to have a child.  No matter all of the time and work invested in her child, she is told that she wasn’t good enough, that she has failed as a mother, and that her daughter, in time, will once again disappear.  Cara lives every day in fear that this may come true.

The letters become more personal, more vindictive, more hateful.  Cara can barely hold it together while her self esteem is being ripped apart by this woman, and the one thing she most preciously loves is being threatened to be ripped from her once more.  Cara is told to give up. Cara is told to let go.  Cara is mocked and laughed at for still trying to hold on to her daughter.  She is called ‘selfish’ for wanting her back. She is mocked for fighting for her, all while being told she deserves this horrible pain because she wasn’t a good enough mother, that her years of sacrifice weren’t enough…she is ridiculed for continuing to fight.  She is threatened with being outed in her community as a “bad mother” who lost her child due to negligent parenting and poor standards.

Reading the above story, do you agree that she should give up?   Should she fight?  Should she let go?  Should she watch years of her life and the legacy she has worked hard to create disappear?  What would you do if something you have created and nurtured was suddenly ripped from you?

Would we, as compassionate human beings ever mock her for fighting for her child?  Would ever condemn her for her daughter’s disappearance, saying that it was due to sub-standard qualities within her?  Would you tell her she deserved it?   I highly doubt anyone, seeing a woman fight for her child, would ever give her anything but sympathy and understanding.   After all, entire communities rally around and support parents when their children are stolen.  So the question becomes…

Why don’t we do this for marriage when an OW tries to take our husband for their own?

Why are people quick to condemn the wives for the their husband’s “disappearance”?  Why do we place the blame for the situation that occurred on something inherently faulty with the wife?  Why do we, as wives, get sucked into the emotional trap laid out by the OW to make us feel fragile, threatening us with him leaving again, or repeating the same behaviour (once a cheater always a cheater, take him back and you’ll regret it).

Why are wives told to “give up” and “let go” and “move on” and then made to feel ridiculed when they fight for the thing they have passionately cared for and nurtured:  their marriage.    A marriage, like the raising of a child is painstaking work that involves care, commitment, sacrifice, and mistakes.  No parent is perfect, and no marriage is perfect.  After years of devotion, sacrifice and time, why would anyone expect a mother to hand over her child?   Why do OW’s expect us to give up, let go, and move on and then mock us when we fight for what IS OURS, what we’ve worked for, what we’ve sacrificed for, what we created?   Is it different?

Doesn’t it seem sick and twisted that a woman, incapable of having a child of her own by conventional means should opt to create a situation whereby she could weasel herself into a family and walk out with one stolen?  Wouldn’t we call that criminal?  Why then, do we see OW’s walk into marriages, identify weak and vulnerable spots and coyly take advantage of them for their personal gain such that they steal a husband from his wife?   Is that not criminal also?   Instead it is labeled as “human nature”, or made the fault of a wife who wasn’t enough.

Obviously, the above story is designed to set up a parallel yet distinct story.  Parenthood and her desire for a child is paralleled with marriage and one’s desire for a marriage and partner.  The learning curve of parenting, the lack of a manual and the fact that we aren’t always the best, but do our best as parents, is paralleled with doing our best as a spouse when we are learning as we go.  As a woman who sacrifices everything for her child, so too does a woman for her marriage.  This story and its presentation was designed to present a scenario whereby a character gains empathy for being put into a devastating circumstance in order to see how an outside observer might react to  her situation.   Empathically or judgmentally?  With compassion or with hatred?

So why is it expected and understood that a woman would fight for her child, and not expect her to do the same for her marriage?

***This blog post is NOT making the kidnapped child analagous to the cheating husband.  No one’s husband was kidnapped, and this post isn’t intended to equate a betraying husband with someone captured against their will.   This was a choice HE made, sometimes with her help, sometimes without.  What this post IS designed to do, is to show the parallel between the reactions women have for salvaging what they love deeply***

What do you think?  Discuss.

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Revenge affairs


Anyone whose world has been rocked by the devastation of an affair will understand the desire for a revenge affair.

Some may admit to having had the thought “if he had an affair, then I should have an affair also and show him how it feels” or “here I have been a faithful spouse, and he got to feel that spark with someone new. I wish I could have those feelings sparked in me again by new partner”.

Whatever your circumstance, the desire for a revenge affair is common. More more often, for recovery experts are finding that among the couples they are looking to heal, more and more of them have had affairs on both sides.

I wanted to share an article by Anne Bercht, on the topic of revenge affairs. This topic came up recently in one of my support groups, and I thought it was relevant to share in case others are having these feelings. revenge affairs

http://www.beyondaffairs.com/weekly_surviving_affairs_newsletters.htm

Burden of Responsibility: Is a mother to blame for her son’s infidelity?


I received an email from a reader of the blog today.  She is devastated because she just learned that her son has been unfaithful in his relationship, and she feels that she has failed as a mother.  As a betrayed spouse, she had a horrible experience, and wanted only the best for her children.  She shared the infidelity openly with them, in the hopes that they would see the pain their father had caused, and know the impact and devastation that an affair can bring.

She emailed me today to ask if I thought that she was a failure as a mother as a result of her son having strayed.

I picked up the email as I was stepping into the car to pick up my children from school, so I didn’t have the chance to send a detailed reply.  Since I was going to reply further, and since I know she reads the blog, I thought that others could also benefit from the post, and also chime in with their thoughts and support for her.

In my opinion, she is no more responsible for her son’s adulterous ways than she was for the affairs her husband had.  These are grown men, with free will, who should know better, and who chose to commit infidelity in their relationships…JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER MAN/WOMAN WHO DOES IT.  I told her in my reply that she is not responsible, and then I wanted to go into more detail and couldn’t.  What I would have added was:

My Mother in Law (MIL) was repeatedly cheated on by my FIL.  He took several mistresses, including my son’s nanny, and my MIL’s best friend.  Repeated infidelity over a long period of time, and infidelity that she came to know about.  Surely, she sought no help, and received no support.  I know this not only because this wouldn’t have been as commonplace (the support, not affairs), but also because she is not one who would know how to solve the issue, how to communicate effectively around it, how to seek support, and  is someone who would instead internalize it, thinking herself the cause, shifting the blame onto herself.  After many years, and a divorce, he abandoned her when she started to show signs of mental illness.  She was increasingly afraid to go out on her own, paranoid from time to time, and just not her old self.  She was damaged, and he moved on…married the best friend that he had once cheated with (needless to say that relationship didn’t last either).   She was, and still is, a broken woman.  She lives with her elderly mother, a woman who puts her down, makes her feel incapable and has essentially infantalized her into being completely dependent on her.

My husband had an affair knowing FULL WELL what the consequences of affairs can be.   He watched his mother disintegrate into a shell of a woman.  Is his mother to blame for not having “raised him right?”.  Absolutely not.  Should I blame her for not being proactive enough and educating him on how to prevent an affair?  No.  I can’t blame her anymore than I can blame myself for his affair.

So, dear reader, unless your son consulted with you, and asked you whether he should seek an affair and you helped him to have one, you have no responsibility for his actions.

Last night on the news, I sat transfixed on the story of Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus and Michelle Knight, who were kidnapped and help captive for ten years, repeatedly raped and beaten by Ariel Castro.  I watched as they interviewed his mother, sitting in the front seat of her car, overwhelmed with grief and shame for her son’s actions.  She wept, speaking in Spanish, telling the news crew how she is so sorry for what he has done, and how she feels so badly for those girls.

I think we would all agree that this mother can’t be blamed for her son’s wicked actions, and we can all be fairly assured that she did her best in raising him, and cannot be held responsible for his decisions, many years after she has completed “raising him”.

Ted Bundy’s mother, Paul Bernardo’s mother…pick any sociopathic individual who has commited the most heinous of crimes, and we can still say with certainty that their mothers didn’t influence their actions, or play a role.

Dear reader, I know it is hard to learn that someone you love has been so hurtful to someone else, especially when you feel he should have known better, seeing what you had gone through.  It is hard to look at him, and not be triggered once more, feeling like the devil is too close.  It is hard to see him as your son, and not as a man who is capable of such deceit and causing such anguish.  Remember, that if he is remorseful, and truly wants to learn from this and grow, that he will need your support.  You are in a great position to be a support to his partner, and to help her through this.  You will help bridge the gap between them, and offer them hope and solutions.  You are, however, in no way responsible for what he has chosen to do, any more than you would be responsible if he woke up tomorrow and robbed a bank.

Stay strong.

 

Resurrecting the psycho…she’s BACK!


Tell me I am misdirecting my anger. Tell me that my anger and hostility towards the OW is inappropriate. I dare you.

Wednesday morning, October 31st, my husband received the following email to his inbox. It came from his lawyers office. In his lawyer’s absence (she was in court apparently), the legal assistant forwarded to him the following email, received from the OW the day prior (names have been removed):

(It needs to be mentioned here that in the weeks following up to the receipt of this email, the psycho crazy whore discovered that legally, she was entitled to no additional money this year, over and above the amount she was given last year, after a financial review was completed on her daughter’s birthday, October 20th. Upset and likely angry at this reality, she lashed out with the email below) My clarification points are in bold italics.

Dear Lawyer,
The Corporate financial statement you have provided (which is currently under review) does not include financials for (husband’s) additional Professional Corporation and business accounts for which (husband) himself has already provided documentation of its existence. When do you anticipate forwarding that information?
(Read: I want more money, which is the only reason I had this kid I never wanted in the first place)
(There are no additional corporations in his name. He has not provided documentation of their existence. They don’t exist)

Please inform your client third parties have reported acquiring documentation of your client and his wife’s ongoing sexually deviant obsession with me. It appears the Family are so delusional in the false reality in which they have created (& force their sons) to live in, that they choose to ignore the fact that the entire downtown core has cameras to capture harassing behaviour and their digital imprint is unique. Your client has put both me and his daughter in danger by publicly providing our home address, telephone number & email address on multiple occasions. Further, the attacks by (husband) on me professionally have been well documented for years. It appears He has made it his personal mission to discredit me professionally since signing the Order in January. Third parties are understandably (given Husband’s violent history) terribly concerned for (daughter’s) safety and my own. Should they choose to provide evidence of Husband’s ongoing harassing behaviors to the appropriate authorities, governing bodies, Government agencies, Husband’s workplace, the university, and the taxation offices to protect (daughter) and I from Husband that is their choice. I have no control over others actions and I do not communicate about Husband in any way. Further, the fact that Husband a 45 year old man, regularly & voyeuristically views online photographs of his female child Nicole is widely regarded as pedophilic in nature.
Let it be known that statements of cameras capturing activities downtown are ridiculous and speak to a paranoia or mental illness. As someone with significant mental illness training, this wreaks of paranoid schizophrenia. There is no harassing behaviour being captured on any close circuit television cameras anywhere. Her desire for us to be interested in her astounds me. We aren’t interested sweetheart. Get over it. Not only has my husband not discredited her professionally, he has made no contact with her whatsoever. My husband’s violent history??? What violent history? He hasn’t spoken with you since March 21st, 2010….not an email, letter, voicemail, or otherwise. Violent tendencies? Riiiiiight. It may be of interest to readers to know that the order between them contains a non-harassment clause that they may not harass one another. What does the sending of this letter consist of? Harassment, yes. In addition, the order also stipulates that they may not speak of the relationship to third parties, and that third parties are also restricted from discussing the relationship or compromising the other. Her intentional statement of “I don’t speak about him, but I can’t control what ‘my friends’ do” is threatening to breach the order and be in contempt of court.

Please be advised I continue to abide by the Order and do not discuss Husband or this matter in any way, however I am incapable of turning my ears and eyes off when third parties provide documentation regarding Husband’s ongoing obsession with me.
And what third parties are these? Last time we checked, you don’t have any friends to speak of.

Additionally may I remind you that prior to January 2012, all information pertaining to Husband’s affair with me, our daughter, his out of control mental illness, his years of harassment, violence, misogynistic and sexually deviant behavior towards his daughter and myself, his attacks on his wife, and his own acknowledgment of his questionable reporting to the CRA and copies of said information was not confidential.
Oh the attacks feel good don’t they? Claiming my husband has a mental illness. Projection much? He hasn’t had years of harassment towards anyone, isn’t violent or misogynistic in any way. There is NO deviant sexual behaviour towards his daughter – he has never met her. He does not attack me, and has never falsified his taxes. He is an honest man with a good heart who made a mistake. Sounds like someone is feeling sad that they weren’t the ultimate winner here. The very fact that a mother places her daughter in a position within her own mind of being someone’s sexual prey, is, in and of itself, morally reprehensible. You sick fuck.

I had sincerely hoped at this point your client would move on with his life and stop dangerously imposing himself on mine. However given the overwhelming amount of evidence of his harassing actions since January 2012 (what evidence is that you speak of?), it is clear Husband is incapable of doing so. In fact his obsession with us seems to have escalated. It has been noted that Husband’s public behavior clearly supports his self reported alcoholism (really? that one is kind of funny) and unstable mental illness (here comes the projected mental illness again) which reportedly appears to cycle every 25-30 days between manic hypersexual delusional acts of grandeur and depressive, retaliatory, violent acts against me and (daughter) (I’d like to know how a man who has never seen this child, nor laid eyes on you since March 19th, 2010 has engaged in violent acts against you?) . Need I remind you reportedly your client, in December 2011 tweeted online a request for his I Phone to perform oral sex on him and in June 2012 reportedly posted a photograph online of a hotel room bed with 3 champagne glasses (which I understand third parties assumed belonged to him, me and his wife). Perhaps your client’s self acknowledged mental illness (again with the mental illness???) prevents him from realizing how disturbing and perverse this behaviour is to all everyone with Internet access who views it.
I should clarify here that the iphone oral sex reference and the champagne glasses do have a basis in reality, but have been quite skewed.
Reference 1: When my husband first got his iPhone 4S, we discovered Siri, the voice-recognition assistant that learns your needs and answers your questions. Many people had asked Siri to marry them, and received hilarious replies. We took it a step futther, and I asked my husband to ask her for a blowjob. When he did, her reply was that he’d better check with me first. I found that hysterical and tweeted it, or Facebook-posted it – I can’t recall which. Either way, the fact that she saw it proves that she is still stalking me online, and in doing so, is breaching the court order that she would no longer do that.
Reference 2: In June 2012, I traveled to San francisco with my family. Upon arrival, my friend who is local, had left us a bottle of champagne and two glasses, along with some treats for my kids. It was a great welcome gift. I tweeted or Facebook-posted (can’t recall) how fortunate I felt to have such wonderful friends who would do something so kind. In the posting, I’d included an image of the glasses, and likely the hotel room fell into the background. Correction: There were two glasses, not three, and she was never invited 😉

Your client’s ongoing obsession with me is disturbing. I now sincerely believe His terrifying January 2010 email to me whereby he stated “My dear sweet (name withheld), you are the glue that keeps my marriage together. Without your joyful free spirit in my life I would be unhappy and forced to focus on my miserable marriage to my selfish wife. I need you in my life to be happy. You can’t ever leave me. I won’t let you”.
This email was completely fabricated. He has never written that email. It doesn’t even make sense. Since when does side-pussy become the glue that holds a marriage together? This was written for one intention: so that I would read it and get worried. Just another attempt to drive a wedge.

Lawyer, I respectfully ask that you please advise your client to get over our affair and move on with his life. We had sex for a year which resulted in the single greatest joy I have ever known, our beautiful daughter. His ongoing attacks, harassment and obsession with us are criminal. He is endangering the safety of his own child and me. I sincerely hope he can one day make peace with the fact that [he has a]daughter and we can move forward in a positive manner towards the best interests of (daughter).
Maybe someone, in the “best interest of her daughter should spend more time parenting her, instead of sending completely bogus, vitriolic emails, designed to cause further harm to a family who has been through enough. Perhaps she should focus her energies there.

Separately, I may be required to work extra hours over the coming months. Please advise Husband I will forward all receipts for additional daycare costs incurred or documentation from Daycare if try are able to accommodate. I will also provide documentation supporting the hours worked.
More money, more money, more money.

Given the fact that it is your client who has intentionally dragged matters on by breaching the Court Order and refusing to provide his tax information at the required times, he will provide Novembers support cheque and payment to the daycare to me by November 1. Any adjustments will be made at a later date once his 2011 returns have been reviewed. Further, the information re his corporate returns was dated October 4, your client did not forward said information to me until October 23. Further supporting what appears to be his intentions to play games, not cooperate and deliberately not allow for sufficient time to review.
My husband has never once breached the court orders. He was supposed to provide all tax documentation by May 31at, but given that corporate taxes aren’t collected until July, this was no possible. Her side was informed of this, and agreed. Taxes were not completed in a timely fashion by our accountant, admittedly, but this is no fault of ours. He has made repeated attempts to expedite the process, but to no avail. It was finally completed a few weeks ago. Late, but done nonetheless.

Please forward his accurate financial records as well as Novembers support cheque payment to my lawyer immediately. Have your client forward November’s daycare payment directly to the daycare for November 1.
Cause it’s all about the money, money, money…..

Many thanks,
Skank whore
30 months into this ordeal…over 900 days, and we are still receiving this garbage. She is stil actively seeking to cause us harm, to cause me pain, and to destroy my husband’s reputation. When does it end? When do we get peace? When do we get a chance to heal and focus on us? According to our lawyer….never. Things like this rarely ever resolve, she says, and with someone this crazy…even less likely.
So, to all those who told me that my anger is misdirected, and that I have no reason to be upset with the woman who slept with a knowingly married man, got pregnant on purpose, and lashed out at what remained of my self-esteem, and who continues to assault my family, I ask you…upon reading this, do you really feel I have no reason to be upset? If your answer is ‘yes’, you are as mental as she is.
This email left me in a state of primal scream in fetal position. I have had it. I laid in my basement, on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably, screaming with a primal anger I think would have been hard to witness (ask my dog), and curled myself up into a fetal position. I eventually got up, called my husband, and asked him if he’d seen the email. He hadn’t. I read it to him. He was pleased. He saw it as further proof that she continues to be unhinged…and that she is showing her true colours every time. He was pleased because it spoke to the fact that she must be angry she isn’t going to extort any more money from us. For that, he is pleased. I wish I could see the optimism here, because from someone who didn’t get to fuck this cow, I don’t see many unicorns and rainbows in this letter, just sludge and venom. Needless to say, I felt better after we’d talked, booked an hour long telephone-therapy appointment with my therapist to talk about it, and am now doing much better.

A fate worse than death


I lost my mother last year. Her death was the most significant death I have experienced thus far. Sure, I’d lost my grandparents, but your grandparents are two generations removed from you, and let’s face it, we expect them to die at some point. Our parents’ death presents a new challenge for us as children. For the first time, we start to see our own mortality, and we are ‘next in line’. My mother’s death was hard. It is still hard. I miss her often, and sometimes find myself talking to her as I work through something. I’ll be making a recipe, for example, and find myself saying out loud to myself: “Ok mom, if I don’t have any eggs…I would substitute it with…..?”, or ” Mom, I wonder whether you would like this?”. She never answers, of course, and so far there have been no signs that she is ‘around’, but I keep waiting for one.

My mother’s death, has been one of the most difficult emotional challenges I’ve had to face. Trying to rectify all of the feelings pent up over 30+ years, trying to sort out all of your feelings, make amends, make apologies, live with the apologies you will never be able to receive. Not to mention the fallout that comes from a family shattered by the absence of the one person who held it all together. My mother was the cook, the holiday planner, the birthday rememberer, the gift-buyer for my children, the one who would watch TV, hear about a new toy, game or gadget for kids, and write it in her little journal to remind herself at the next gift-giving opportunity that she wanted to do that for her grandkids (if she didn’t lose the journal, or forget where she’d written it down, or that she’d written it at all). My dad relied on my mother to be his appointment-maker, his personal secretary, his gauge of social correctness, his social convenor, his organizer, his….everything. When family members were on the “outs” she would place herself in the middle, trying to make peace, and then creating social situations to bring them together. I swear, before my brother had children of his own, the only relationship I had with him, was through my mother and the events she would create for us. Without her, I am left to create them, and maintain a relationship with those who remain. She was, without a doubt, the glue that held us together. Without her, I face losing everyone else unless I step into her place and be the glue that once again holds the pieces together.

I think the loss of anyone is significant. But, the loss of a parent ranks as one of the most stressful and painful milestones an adult child will face. Inasmuch as I love my mother, and miss her, and her death has affected me, I can say, without hesitation that my husband’s affair was more painful. In fact, I would do my mother’s death over and over again before I would EVER want to face the pain and devastation my husband’s affair has brought into my life. My father is now aging also, and I honestly believe that he could have died along with my mother — in fact my entire family could have been wiped out, and it wouldn’t have held a candle to the loss that came from the discovery of his affair. Many times I wished I had died. Losing my life, ending my existence was often considered as a less painful state than living through the pain, the humiliation and the trauma of that experience. I contemplated death a lot during that first year. At one point, I took a handful of pills, intended for pain conditions, and hoped that I’d fall asleep, or get sick, or never be the same. I wanted something to erase me, or at least the memory of the event. In those times, even the thought that I would be leaving my children didn’t matter. I reasoned that they would be “better off” with no mother, than with a depressed shell of a woman, always angry, always on edge, permanently stressed out, tired, exhausted from the emotional gymnastics dealing with the affair required. I wound up with what resulted in a horrendous hangover. Flu-like feelings, nausea, severe fatigue from the pain meds…but no death, no hospital, no do-over. I don’t even recall my husband being upset with me about it. In fact we never really talked about my “failed” attempt. I guess in his mind, it wasn’t anything that would have successfully killed me, but it doesn’t change my intent at the time. It is a pain I can’t describe. I never contemplated ending my life when my mother’s ended, and I won’t when my father’s will end. It just, isn’t. the. same.

Fellow blogger Samantha Baker recently commented on a blog post, indicating that she’d written a blog on this very topic, so I wanted to link to it here.

Her point is a very valid one. You expect people you love to die. You don’t expect them to deceive and betray you. The very people you count on to love you, look after you, and care for you, you don’t expect to turn on you, actively seek out ways to indulge in activities that cause you harm, or sneak around behind your back, humiliating you for their own pleasure and benefit. When we lose a loved one, it is final. They aren’t coming back. We grieve it, we move forward, we put it behind us. With an affair, the process doesn’t have an end-point. We are always left wondering if it will happen again, we attend therapy sessions where we pick apart, analyze and re-hash the details of the affair, the pain, the marriage, the trust and the loss. When someone dies, although it is painful, you are never left wondering if they will die again, and you will experience this again. With an affair, that simply isn’t so. It is not embedded as a constant fear in your mind, akin to now have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The triggers and fears remain, long after disclosure. When my husband used to be late coming home, my first thought was that he was in an accident, and I feared for his safety. Now, I wonder if he is sleeping with someone else. My husband purchased a device to track his whereabouts, and sometimes it is inaccurate. This morning, for example, it emailed me to tell me he had left the zone around our home that I had demarcated as “home”. I should have received an email within 30 minutes telling me he had entered the zone called “work”. I didn’t get that email until 11:30, four hours after he’d left. My first thought: he was in a hotel with someone, made up the meeting he was supposedly in, and has just now arrived at work. It plagues you forever, and never goes away. The trust, as you knew it, is now gone. Perhaps it should be. That blind trust was naive. It was fantasy. I now live in reality.

Give me the choice, and I choose death. I would much rather experience the death of a loved one. At least they didn’t intend to die. At least they didn’t die with the selfish intention to cause me harm and suffering. Death isn’t selfish, it isn’t gratifying. Their death is anticipated, and we spend our time with them knowing that one day…it will be around the corner. I never, when signing my marriage certificate ever considered that I was signing up for this. It wasn’t on my radar. I was unprepared. It has caused an unimaginable pain and void in my life.

The other difference worth mentioning is that when one mentions that someone has died, people rally for support. People ask how they can help. People feel sympathy. No one turns around and blames you for the death. No one tells you that they died because you weren’t enough. No one asks you to look at how you contributed. Someone’s death isn’t an embarrassment to you personally and doesn’t bring you shame. Unlike a death, we suffer in silence. We try to keep it quiet. We feel shame for our husband’s affair because of society’s unfair assumption that it happened as a result of a shortcoming in US when really it was a shortcoming in him. We weather the storm, telling few, crying quietly when we can steal a private moment, or screaming uncontrollably when we feel safe to express how we feel. Its just easier to grieve a death.

Since my husband subscribes to this blog, and will read this entry, he should probably know:

You do this to me again, and you will be staring at the back of my head as I walk away with our children. There will be no hesitation, and there will be no tears. Having gone through the pain that I have suffered from your actions, if you were to put me through this again, you wouldn’t be worth shedding a tear for, and I would be gone. Im not doing this again. There are no second chances. Case closed. Just so we are clear. I’m just sayin’.

Snacking in the closet: a new setback


2 1/2 years into my healing, and I have come upon a new setback. Sometimes I feel as though I am my own worst enemy. I

n the early days of the affair discovery, one of the questions that I had for my husband was “what kinds of things did you say to her?”, “Did you ever say anything to her that expressed arousal, interest?”, “Did you ever compliment her, did you tell her she was good in bed, did you compliment her on her appearance?” These are things I had wanted to know, because they indicate to me a closeness, and an intimacy that wouldn’t exist if the relationship was “just for sex”. I guess I reasoned that if my husband was having sex with his mistress, “just for sex”, that their communications would be pretty benign, simply requests for hookups, no emotion, no attachment, no compliments, no emotional sustaining of the other person. I guess that finding out if there was any sort of emotional connection was important to me, as indicated a deeper affair, and I want to know how deep this had run.

Asking my husband those questions in the early days was fruitless, because he claimed he could not remember. I know that men and women are different, that women seek details, and that men rarely recall them. This is truly frustrating for the betrayed spouse who desperately wants to know details, and accuracies, you simply can’t get her answers. In an attempt to hide the relationship, my husband never maintained any of his old emails. Sure, there were a few here and there, mostly benign, mostly relating to work questions, nothing that was sultry, sexy, or a red flag. I’ve seen those, I’d read those, but that wasn’t what I was looking for. My husband, however, was unable to produce the emails that were sent that indicated something more. He had been very good at hiding those, even going so far as to create a fake email, and an alias. She, on the other hand, kept everything. Possibly because she wanted to use it as retaliation later, or simply because, as a woman, she kept things for sentimental reasons. Regardless of the reason, she had everything in her possession that I needed.

Last year, around this time, we were getting ready to meet the other woman in court. She had accused my husband of wrongful dismissal, and he had countered her claim with proof that she had been inappropriate in her work, had been warned, and had violated policies of their workplace which made her termination not only necessary, But justified. In attempts to make herself look valuable As an employee, and as a person in my husband’s life, she chose to print all of the emails where he had expressed affection for her, admiration for her work, genuine concern for her well-being, etc. In parallel, she also printed all of those emails which made my husband looks like the bad guy. The sex starved, horny, wayward husband, seeking out cheap thrills, and a good time with and “innocent” woman. She picked her emails carefully, not attaching many emails that were from her, directed to my husband, but rather mostly emails that were composed by him, directed towards her. Now, I am a smart person, and I realize that this is a biased and skewed representation of the emails that were exchanged. I am sure there are many emails where she expressed horniness, desire, flirtation, but she would not have attached those as they would have compromised the picture she was trying to paint of herself. I know that, I get that, I understand. However, when I came across this binder of emails one year ago, desperate for more information because my Husband was unable to provide it for me, I looked. I skimmed the pages, I flipped through them quickly, afraid of getting caught. It’s funny, my husband breaks his marriage vows, cheats another woman, sleeps with her in hotel rooms, goes behind my back, creates fake emails, creates fake meetings disguised as a work event, and I felt like the one sneaking around. Afraid of being caught, I spent no more than one minute flipping through the emails, looking for buzzwords, my eyes picking up random sentences here and there. I read some things I wasn’t prepared to see. I read some things that hurt me deeply. I didn’t, however, read them all.

Over the last year, I’ve had many instances where I have wondered what else was said. My husband, of course, unable to tell me, and possibly tired of the questions, let me to wonder if I should reopen the binder. Each time I wanted to, I reminded myself that it wasn’t a good idea, and decided not to go searching. Until yesterday.

In the process of filling out an application for my eldest child, I went looking for his birth certificate in order to provide proof of his age. My husband keeps all these important documents and filing cabinet in our home, which is not locked, which we share. Unintentionally, I came across the binder. At that moment, I became like those food addicts that come across a stash of no – no foods, And scroll themselves away in a closet to stuff their faces with something they know is doing them harm, but basically can’t help themselves. I became that person. I set my husband’s desk for close to an hour, and read every single page of the binders in detail. Every text message, every email. Every. Single. One. Some of them were familiar, having read them a year ago. I knew already what my eyes would see, but I couldn’t help myself. I figure that the pain that I’ve been through is so intense, that adding a few more details here and there won’t really matter. What I didn’t expect, with the resurrection of the pain, the humiliation, and the feelings of inadequacy that reading those emails brought to me. It’s one thing to know that your husband has been with another woman. It’s entirely another thing to read the transcript.

I became privy to some of my husband’s deepest darkest thoughts, that he had relayed only to this other woman. Some of the sentences which are burned, and etched into my mind include:

“I can’t wait to be inside you”

“I feel satisfied with you in so many ways, socially, and sexually. You do all the right things, knowing exactly what to do with me to make me feel good. I feel so relaxed when I’m with you”

“I told my wife that she has nothing to worry about. She had read some of our emails, and is on high alert for the possibility of infidelity. I did my best to reassure her that she has nothing to worry about.”

“I’m thinking about you as I work. I’m having a hard time walking around, if you know what I mean”

“I wish I could wake up beside you in the morning, and have a little dose of you first thing in the morning. That would be a little hard to explain”

“I would love to watch you sleep. You are so rarely still, it would be a rare treat”

“I like my women blonde, blue-eyed, and hot. Know anyone like that?”

“I am open to trying new things also. I’m willing to try anything that interests you. Just name it”

“You and I will go on another vacation, and have a lot more fun”

“I just feel so relaxed when I’m with you. You bring me a piece that I can’t put into words. I just feel so good when we’re together”

“I feel like this relationship is becoming more serious. It’s like we have both navigated away from the shore, and into treacherous waters. Personally, I welcome that, and look forward to where this may lead us. I don’t know where this relationship is going, and I understand the consequences, and I want to go there with you”.

There is a sharp knife blade wedged deep in my heart. Those words came from my husband. Those were forgive into another woman. At some point during my husband’s affair, he contemplated leaving me. At one point during my husband’s affair, he was willing to risk throwing away his life with me and his children, for this woman who made him feel so “comfortable”

My husband is a subscriber to this blog, and is going to read this post. My fears that he will become very upset with me for having read these emails. Not because I was snooping, or because I didn’t have the right to read them. But because I did something that caused me great emotional turmoil, that he will have seen is unnecessary. Why do something that causes yourself pain? Why do something that causes you harm? Well, when you’ve already experienced the depths of pain that I’ve experienced, and you live in the world that he has created for you out of this pain and harm, it really isn’t much of a stretch.

On a positive note, I no longer have the curiosity looming over my head. I can lay that to rest. It’s now simply a matter of working through the resurrected feelings come as a result of reading this content. I think what I need, is to go to the binder with my husband, and select the passages that break my heart into 1 million pieces. I need him to see what he has said, and the impact it has on me. He has avoided reading these emails, not wanting to go back to that place, possibly not wanting to face what you had said and done. I’m sure the last thing he wants to do Is resurrect those emails with me present. However, as part of our complete honesty, and his complete empathy for where I stand, I feel it is necessary for him to read those passages aloud, and see the great despair that they bring.

So, even after all this time, even after so many months of happiness, and calamity, setbacks can and do happen. It doesn’t mean we’re headed down a slippery slope. It doesn’t mean we’re going backwards. It’s just another bump in the road on the way to a hopefully brighter future. Now, if only I could stop the nausea and desire to vomit.

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“Get over it and let it go”


In talking with people who have been through this, and those that haven’t, I’ve learned something rather interesting, and witnessed a disparity.   Unless you’ve been through this, you cannot have the appreciation for the depth of the pain that one feels when this happens to them.  What’s worse is that in your assumption that you do know, you may say or do something that causes them additional pain and suffering due to your lack of sensitivity.

I’d heard of affairs a lot.  I’ve read of affairs.  Heck, I’d even experienced affairs first-hand from an arm’s length.  Marriages of my childhood friends have ended over affairs.  Family friends have, in my adulthood, confessed to me that there had been infidelity in their marriages.  My father was unfaithful to my mother, at least three times that I am aware of…probably more.  I learned of it, I shrugged my shoulders, and yeah, I felt bad for her, but I knew it was her business, not mine.  I assumed she would feel sad. I assumed she would feel hurt.  I assumed to know a lot of how she felt because I could imagine it – or could I?  What I didn’t realize, until recently, is that until you are IN this, looking in from the outside, you can convince yourself that you understand, that you “get it”, and that you have an appreciation for the suffering.  Trust me when I say that you don’t.  You don’t even have a clue.  Assuming that it hurts a lot isn’t even scratching the surface.  It is just common sense, but doesn’t show any true appreciation or understanding.

I had someone recently use the words “let it go”, in relation to the hurt and suffering caused by my husband”s infidelity and the ongoing attempts by his ex-mistress to cause me emotional and legal distress. It was this person’s hope that I would be able to “let go” of the hurt that I have been carrying, and lift the weight from my shoulders.  I am sure the comment was made in good faith, with great intentions, but hearing it made me think that that they really may just not “get it”.

The best that I can describe the experience of living with this situation, is that of being diagnosed with a life altering, but non-terminal disease. You will never look at the world the same way again.  Everything you see, do, feel, say, experience, is all filtered through the lens of this new reality.  It won’t kill you, but you will wake up many mornings wishing it had taken you in your sleep so that you wouldn’t have to wade through another day with the oppressive thoughts and experiences that come with it.  There will be days when you wake up in the morning, and for a brief moment, a transient time, you will awaken thinking that it had been a dream, and that it never happened.  A lightness and glow will come over you, and for a brief moment you will believe it, until reality comes and pours a bucket of ice water over you.  For a moment there, LIFE WAS BEAUTIFUL.  Food will taste different, things will feel different, you will BE different. Never again will you wake up carefree and open…because instead you will wake up plagued and haunted.  Living with this is what I imagine living with Cancer to be like. You wouldn’t tell a cancer sufferer to “get over it”,or that you hope that she can “let it go”, would you?  Why is this considered any different?  Someone is irreparably hurting, their life forever altered, and their days continuously plagued by the onslaught of this reality, and yet you hope that they can “let it go”, or “move on”, or “get over it”.

Personally I can’t “get over it”. It’s too hard. It is in my face ALL THE TIME.  The best that I can do is to learn to live WITH it.  Part of learning to live with it is to adapt to the new reality that is my life.  I need to adapt to the idea that the money that rightfully belongs to my family, to my children, is being given to a dirtbag whore who didn’t have the common decency to stay out of a married man’s pants, but who feels entitled to take, take, take.  I need to adapt to the fact that because she refuses to get a job, her “income” is deemed so disparate to that of my husband that he is responsible for 90.5% of the additional child care costs, while she pays 9.5%.  I have to get used to the idea that a woman used my husband to capitalize on the “free ride” of having a baby and having it COMPLETELY financed for her (She pays less than $10 from her pocket per month for this kid).  I had to adapt to the idea that I could, at any time, receive yet another call from the police because she is once again making up stories designed to get me in trouble with the law, placing herself at the forefront of my mind, or both.  I need to adapt to the idea that one day, this demon spawn may show up on my front door wanting to know her father, spurred and encouraged by her mother to do so.  I have to adapt to the idea that my children may one day be made aware of the existence of a half-sister, and either be angry at us for not disclosing it, or disgusted by the infidelity.  Either situation is not good.  I have to adapt to the idea that I no longer hold a special place as being the only woman to carry my husband’s children.  I now forever share that, as the title has been stripped from me.  I have to adapt to the idea that this will never go away, it will never resolve, and I will always wake up faced with the prospect that THIS DAY may be one to present more hurdles for me where this situation is concerned.  I can not rest, I cannot become complacent, I must be ready for battle at any time….because she comes out of nowhere, and wants me to suffer.  It is not a way I wish to live – it has been placed on me, and while I will never GET OVER IT, or LET IT GO, I will perhaps learn to LIVE WITH IT, and that will take a lot of time, therapy, and self-love.  I really wish it were different, and trust me that I am doing my best.  I still have to talk about it from time to time, but I rely on my therapist for that. I don’t want to burden friends and loved ones with this enormous weight all the time.

So for those who have never been through this, you will undoubtedly one day meet someone who has.  Be a good listener.  Take the time to listen and care.  Don’t allude to being tired of hearing about it, even if you are.  Sadly, the statistics bear out that if you haven’t been through this, you will.  If that is the case, before it does, wake up every morning and take a mental snapshot of your life.  Give thanks for all that you have, remember the beauty of that moment, and soak it up completely, because when it changes, it changes forever, and you can’t go back.

Reopening old wounds in Paradise


This past week I had the opportunity to take a vacation with my family.  We haven’t been on vacation since the week before D-day . In fact, it was the first day after we had returned from vacation that my husband confessed to his affair.  Suddenly, all images from our vacation had a new meaning.  The smiling faces in our images, my husband holding my hand, cuddling with me – all of it was fake.  I’d arranged for a professional photographer to capture our family in photojournalistic images while we were there.  I’d researched who would capture our family, and where we would be photographed.  I’d planned the outfits, the timing, all of it.  Whereas normally I would be chomping at the bit to see the images from our photo session, I was suddenly less than enthusiastic.  I didn’t want to see a lie.  I didn’t want to look into an image and see something different from the magic that I’d felt in that moment – a moment that obviously meant more to me than it did to him.

Well, it has been two years since we’ve taken a vacation together, and we decided it was about time.  We are tired of living in the shadow of this hell-hole and wanted to recreate the magic we feel as a family when we are away.  We decide to revisit a location we’d been to previously.  It was an affordable place, great for kids, and warm during an otherwise cooler time of year.  I really thought nothing much of it until I arrived at the airport, and it suddenly hit me. “The last time we were here, he was having an affair with HER”.  All of a sudden, memories that I hadn’t been able to access, likely because they weren’t of any value or use, came flooding back to me.  Memories of the last vacation, what we’d done, where we’d gone, the dinners out, the family fun days, the road trips, I could see it all clearly as if it had JUST happened.  I remembered the room, the layout of our suite, the moments we had together as a family and as a couple.  It was as though I was seeing my vacation in detail from above, watching those moments unfold again, but this time with a perspective I didn’t have before – the perspective that the last time we’d shared these moments in this place, he was in the early phases of an affair that was, at that time, still exciting, new and fresh.  For all I know, the whole time we were away, he was thinking of her and their time together while he was supposed to be devoted to me and our family.  The sudden flashbacks were overwhelming, and I found myself crying on the shuttle to the hotel.

When we arrived at the hotel, I was shocked to discover that we had the exact same room layout as previously….and it made the flashbacks more intense.  I sat HERE when he and I discussed how sketchy the internet connection was. We sat HERE on a balcony JUST LIKE THIS one night after the kids were in bed.  The pool we were at looked like this, and I remember swimming and enjoying the company of a man I thought I knew,  but who was leading a secret life the whole time.  I remembered the meals, the moments, the evenings, the morning showers – all of it – exccept this time, I could see myself in those moments, deliriously unaware of what was unfolding right under my nose, and I felt sorry for the girl I saw.  What a complete loser.  What a trusting moron she is.  What an idiot that she can’t even see what is going on behind her back.  That same wife who busily folded the family laundry the night before we left to ensure clean clothes on our return, that same mom who swam with her kids and enjoyed family meals…that woman was being taken in favour of FREE pussy made available from a whore with an agenda.

I also couldn’t help but put the entire last trip into perspective, as I always tend to do with most events.  “The last time we were here, he hadn’t yet impregnated her, and he hadn’t fathered a baby with this woman”.  Had I found out about it at this point, he never would have…

I spent the entire vacation in flashbacks.  It caused me to mention her name over and over in casual conversation because she was now on my mind.  She was on vacation with me, and I couldn’t break free of her grip.  It was horrible.

I didn’t say anything to my husband about the feelings I was having.  Truthfully, I didn’t see the point.  I know our therapist would disagree, and say that I need to share my feelings of sadness and insecurity whenever they arise so that we can be together in the feelings.  However, I didn’t want to ruin HIS vacation by being a sappy, overly emotional, sad person who can’t seem to get over this, and who raises this topic at the most inopportune of times.  I didn’t want to be seen as a burden, and I didn’t want to compromise his only time of rest and relaxation by bringing HER back into focus.  I just held onto it, and it was hard.

It all leads me to wonder how long this will plague me.

My husband has told me that I need to revisit some of the places that are triggers for me so that I can overwrite the old memories with new ones.  In some small way, possibly a rational one, I could see the sense in that.  But emotionally, it really didn’t work out that way.  Revisiting places where we have been during times of his infidelity is not a simple re-writing of history.  It is a resurrection of moments that are now lies, and which no longer hold the special meaning they once did.  Having to sit at the same table, or visit the same restaurant – it doesn’t overwrite anything, it just brings back into consciousness moments that are painful to see from this new perspective.

Sometimes I just wish he could experience this pain….FEEL what it feels like so that he would truly KNOW the devastation he has caused me.

What I have been left with, after this week of vacation with my family, is a fear that I will never get over this.

Just a typical Sunday morning at my house, minus the police report


Woke up this morning feeling hopeless about our situation.  Numerous lawyers and advice, all focusing their energies on resolving the family law side of the issue, and ensuring that the gold digging mistress receives her appropriate tabled amount of child support.  Countless drafts of custody and support agreements, none of which have been accepted by her side of the table because they require her to be accountable.  Instead, she wants to receive more money, and have no accountability for how she uses the money.  Good luck there sweetheart.

So, I wake up feeling hopeless that this little piece of shit is ever going to be out of my life (she pops her ugly little face up on a regular basis).  I’d expressed to my husband how hopeless it feels, and he reassures me that it won’t always be like this.  “Yes it will”.

The phone rang this morning at 8:30.  It was a police constable from the local police station.  Apparently they had tried to reach me on August 29th to deliver this message, but I wasn’t at home.  I was told that the mistress had launched a police report, naming me, and claiming that I have been engaged in ongoing harassment of her over the internet.  “Hmmmm, interesting”, I thought, in light of the fact that I have made no mention of her by name on this blog, and have certainly made no mention of her elsewhere either.  Her name, in my home, is like Lord Voldemort in “Harry Potter”.  She is, essentially, “she who will not be named”.  Her name tastes bad in my mouth, so I don’t utter it, let alone waste my time creating harassing internet fodder about her.

This is just yet another example of how she is trying to remain in our lives and connected to my husband by raising shit and claiming abuse at our hands.  It isn’t enough that she is claiming wrongful dismissal against my husband, claiming that he fired her because she was pregnant (those weren’t his grounds for dismissal and she was clearly told that in writing yet thought a suit might bring her money and so she seeks $100K in damages).  Again, good luck sweetheart.

She has told her lawyers over and over again how she is being harassed by me, my husband, and my husband’s colleagues, and yet she has never once provided proof of said harassment.   Instead, it garnishes her support from her counsel, making her seem like the poor, hard-done-by woman who was forced to have sex with her boss (yeah, right), and then became pregnant, fired and thrown to the street.  Likely story.

So now I have a file on record at the police station.  Personally, I think I’ve had enough of this shit.  My mother lays on her deathbed, a decline which was precipitated by this woman’s behaviour, and we are preparing to lose her at any moment.  This is, I daresay, the LAST thing I need right now.

Piece by piece


I am drained.  I have been living this nightmare for 441 days. Just when I think I am returning into a state of ‘normal’, I am reminded that I will never again know what ‘nornal’ is.  My normal has shifted to a new state of ‘typical’ and it leaves me feeling depressed and hopeless.

I didn’t do anything.  I didn’t make any choices here.  I am not the one who almost threw away their marriage.  And yet, I am paying the ultimate price for the actions of two stupid, immature, selfish people, ONE of which should have known better.  MUCH better.  We’d talked about infidelity.  We were on the same page about how wrong it is.  He was raised by a serial cheater (father) and we’ve had countless conversations about how infantile his father’s continued abuse of his mother’s trust was.  Was he saying these things for MY benefit, but didn’t really embrace the same values that I did?  Did our vows mean NOTHING?

These are the things I ponder as I look back on the last 18 months.  Yes, that is right, next week will be 18 months.  It has been the slowest 18 months of my life.

Today I had the opportunity in therapy to share a small piece of my feelings about the child support his mistress is set to receive and how much it hurts me.  I don’t think he fully grasps the extent to which this KILLS me inside.  This woman cheated with my husband KNOWING that he is married.  She came to my home and chatted with me twice, once staying almost an hour.  She seemed genuinely likeable and friendly….and the whole time she stood and smiled at me, she knew she was harbouring a secret:  she was sleeping with my husband, and I was the only one in the dark.  What a fool she must have thought me to be.  How laughable.  Did she walk down my driveway with her fingers in the shape of an “L” on her forehead (denoting that I am a LOSER).  Did she laugh at my expense?  Was I the butt of jokes between her and her friends (they knew she was sleeping with a married man).  Was I considered pathetic?  This same woman, upon discovering that I knew of the affair didn’t cower, didn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable, and certainly didn’t apologize for having crossed a MAJOR line.  No, instead she laughed at me, mocked me, degraded me, caused me to question the security of my relationship by telling me that my husband thinks I am fat and used to laugh at me and about me (he claims that was a total fabrication), she sent mean-spirited emails, emailed my family, spilled this embarrassing secret to friends and family and has now made it her mission to drain us of every penny she can.  This is her sport, and she is going in as a warrior into battle.  Willing to do anything, say anything, be anything to get what she wants.  The problem?  She is facing the wrong opponent.  She needs someone equally prepared to go to war, and what she has is my husband. My husband is a nice guy, doesn’t want to rock the boat, maybe-if-I-give-it-enough-time-things-will-improve kinda guy.   His being a ‘nice-guy’ is what got him into this mess.   He goes along with things, and is easily manipulated.  He is being taken for a ride every day.  The only problem is, he doesn’t even realize he is in the car, and has himself fully believing that hs is in the drivers seat, in control.  He has no control here.  She does.  She pays no legal fees and can do whatever pleases her, at our expense because fighting her costs us money.  No, my husband doesn’t put on armor and charge full-throttle into the situation, pin her sorry ass up against the wall and demand that this behaviour, the harassment, the slander, the false allegations that cause us to seek legal support at $450 per hour EACH AND EVERY TIME stop.  Instead he blindly follows the recommendations of our family lawyers (we’ve had two now), who try and keep him calm, reassure him that they are doing what is expected while opening their palms to collect our money the NEXT time she acts out.  I firmly believe they want her to continue because it means more work and billing for them.

Yes she is facing the wrong adversary because you can bet her sorry little ass would be pinned to the wall so fast, she’d likely have seen it whip past her face on the way up.  Put me in the ring with this skank-assed piece of shit, and we’d see how fast her behaviour would stop.  I will NOT STAND for this in my life for another minute.  I’ve had enough.  I am tired.  I want out.  I need to be done.  I can’t handle another day.  I want it to stop.  Now.  It is not the way I want to live.  I did not invite this whore into our lives.  I didn’t bargain for a life where I would do the final bedtime check on my children at night, see them soundly sleeping in their beds, and silently tell them that I am sorry…sorry for not being able to be the mom I want to be, for not providing the family atmosphere I want to provide, the untainted family life I want them to know.   I don’t want to be that mom who has to escape to the closet for a good cry, or who snaps at them out of frustration because my very last nerve is spent dealing with this lunatic and I have nothing left for them.  They deserve better.  I deserve better.  I want to be better, but I don’t know how to get there.

All I know is that I can’t handle another 22 years of doling out a cheque to a woman who is grinning ear to ear at the windfall she’s collecting, earning more in child support monthly than she ever did at her job.  Smiling because she knows she is having an impact, and smiling because she feels she has won.  At the end of this child support term, we will have given her almost $1.000,000…..yes that is ONE MILLION DOLLARS.  That is money that MY children should have access to, that should be going to enrich OUR LIVES, NOT HERS.  I can’t live this reality for 22 more years…and then the possibility that this child may want a relationship with my husband beyond that.  This could be a lifetime burden that I carry.   I would rather have a disease because then I could pray that it would take me quickly and painlessly instead of like this – piece by piece.

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