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Sermons from Facebook


This came across my Facebook feed today.

I sometimes get flack on this blog for not being supportive of my husbands OC, as if I have responsibility for her, and how she came into this world.

Now, I know better than to believe anything these commenters say, because I know that I had nothing to do with her creation, or her existence. I didn’t suggest to my husband that he take a mistress and have meaningless, unprotected sex with her. I didn’t force her to consider abortion and I knew that the decision about whether this child would be born would entirely rest on her shoulders while she held its life in the balance, depending on whether my husband and I stayed together, and how well we played her game.

So today this came through my feed and it resonated. I’ve never blamed the child. We feel deep sadness for the life her mother has brought her into, but just like the decision whether or not she would be born, we also don’t have any decisions there either. The best my husband can do, given the mental fragility of this woman, is to ensure the child is taken care of, and he does that through lawfully paid child support payments that are far in excess of what it costs to raise her.

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Facebook


I wanted to let all of my readers know that I have just started a page on Facebook devoted to this blog, and this journey. If you are on Facebook, I would like to invite you to like my page which is entitled “Rescuing My Marriage”.

You will notice when you search for that page, that two pages of the same name come up. That’s because I had started one, and then realized that I hadn’t used appropriate capital letters in my title, and attempted to start over, not realizing it would have created the first one if I hadn’t completed before step process. Nonetheless, one of them has followers, the other one has none, and you will obviously want to Like the page that has existing followers.

The page is currently blank, Avitts I have not added any content yet, but will be using the page to advertise new blog posts, to share quotes and words of comfort, to share cartoons which appropriately mock women who choose to engage in this horrid lifestyle.

Please join me on this page, and I look forward to interacting with you there also.

Financial abortion and equality for men under the law


In the United States constitution, the 14th amendment is an equal protection clause which states that “no state shall … deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws“.

If the above is true, than every person is entitled to the same treatment and protection that the law provides.  There shall be no discrimination based on age, gender, race, religion, etc.  But if that is the case, why are men and women treated differently when it comes to choosing whether a life is allowed to continue, or whether abortion is a choice?  Why are women given the sole decision making without contribution from, or participation from the men who had equal parts to play in creating them?

We have all heard of the precedent-setting case Roe vs. Wade, in which case determined the legality of abortion and on a woman’s right to choose.  Since that case in the 70’s, it  has been held in many places that a woman has a right to choose whether she will carry a pregnancy to term.  If a woman feels that the burden is too great, she can choose to end her pregnancy.  If she feels that the pregnancy and resulting baby would cause her financial hardship, she can choose to end her responsibility and have an abortion.  If she wakes up some random Tuesday, and just decides she isn’t ready for the commitment that parenting entails, she can choose to abort, and she can do so without the knowledge, permission, or say of the man who fathered the child.  Let’s face it, men don’t really have much say in whether a woman chooses to keep a baby or abort a pregnancy once the knowledge of the pregnancy is out in the open.  A man is gagged and barred from any decision making, and his future rests entirely in the decision that is made unilaterally, often without his consent.

Let’s look at it this way:  A woman has a relationship with a man who is financially less advantaged than she is.  She earns, let’s say, double his income.  Together, they conceive a child, and she has to decide whether the pregnancy will continue.  On her mind is the financial hardship that having this child will cause.  She also knows, that since she and the father are not married or co-habitating, and that the likelihood that their relationship will not end well is high.  If she has the child, he will be entitled to shared custody of the child, and if he so chooses, their respective incomes will be taken into account in order to determine child support amounts.  Knowing that she makes more money than he, having this child means that she will likely be paying him child support for a child that she will be pregnant with, birth and co-raise, but as a single parent.  All extraneous expenses like daycare and lessons, and classes will be split according to their proportionate incomes, which means that she will be paying a higher share of those expenses than he will.  She gives it a lot of thought, and in the end, decides that the burden is too high, and she opts to abort the pregnancy.  She has the right to do that, and does not even need, nor seek the father’s opinion on the matter.  Perhaps he has always wanted children.  Perhaps he would be a fantastic father.  It doesn’t matter.  She doesn’t want the child, she doesn’t want the financial hardship, so she has an escape clause.  Men just don’t have one, so where is this “equal protection under the law” for men?

In 2004, a man by the name of Dubay became involved in a romantic relationship with a woman who claimed she was unable to have children.  He was pleased, as he did not wish to have children, and had made this clear to the woman throughout their relationship.  One day, she turns up pregnant, decides unilaterally that she wishes to have the baby, and demands child support from a man who never wanted to have a child in the first place.  Her rights outweighed his on an issue that they both had equal participation in.  Dubay went to court to argue that Michigan laws favoured women as women are not required to pay child support for children that they do not wish to parent, but men do not have that same option.  The law ruled that the needs of the child to receive contributions from both parents outweighed their individual rights.  Why doesn’t that work in reverse?  If the needs of the child to receive contributions from BOTH parents outweighs individual rights, why doesn’t it outweigh when the woman doesn’t want to pay?  She can decide to not parent the child and be accountable for nothing.  Men simply don’t have that option.  Dubay was encourageed to appeal his case to the supreme court, but decided against it.  He is now paying support for a child he was quite clear that he did not want to have.

Does this seem fair in the eyes of the law?  In my mind, it does not, especially as the wife of a man whose DNA was used as ammunition against him, held hostage in an attempt to have him leave his family, and then again as ammunition when she unilaterally decided to keep a child she never wanted for the purpose of punishing us, using her child as a pawn in her wicked game.

The term “financial abortion” has been used to describe what should be a man’s right to choose when he wants to become a father and bear the financial responsibility for having children.  After all, women can leave their infant children on the doorstep of a church, no questions asked, and simply walk away.  Why can’t men exact these same rights when they feel that a child would be a burden on them, financial or otherwise?  Why aren’t men given a choice?

I understand that many laws relating to child support favour the mothers because often it is us who bear the children, whose bodies are sacrificed for their birth and upon whom much of the parenting decisions lie.  I understand placing the needs of a child above those of the parents, and allowing a child’s rights to life, food and shelter superseding those of the parents who created it.  After all, even when children are wanted and birthed in a family, most parents would agree that they too place the needs and wants of their children first.  What I don’t agree with, however, is the biased laws which allow women to have rights that men just don’t have.  The child’s rights supersede those of the father, but not those of the mother?

Brown University Professor Frances Goldscheider proposed the idea of “financial abortion”.  “If it were law, a financial abortion would allow a man — one who has specifically said to his partner before intercourse that he doesn’t want to be a father — to void all monetary responsibility for any pregnancy. Without question, the woman could carry the child to term, but she and the law could then never come looking for the dad for child support” (http://www.theroot.com/views/what-if-i-dont-want-be-daddy).

I personally like this idea.  I know this professor has taken a lot of slack, but let’s look at it this way:  Those against the idea would do so in favour of protecting the child and their right to financial means in order to be provided for and given a comfortable existence, hopefully outside of poverty. The laws aren’t what they are to allow children more access to their dads, just his money.  But since we want children to be paid for, have their needs met, and prevent deadbeat dads and the needs for government to pick up the cheque, this is seen as a way to lessen the burden on governments to carry the lives of those whose dads didn’t step up.  So good, decent, honest men are now paying the price for the deadbeats –  a very high price.  But what if this was a law?  If a woman had to include a man in her choice, and if a man could forfeit his involvement in parenting and financial duty?  Would this increase costs to the government?   Perhaps in the form of single parent-poverty stricken moms who can’t afford to feed and raise her kids, but then again maybe she shouldn’t have HAD the child in the first place if she couldn’t afford it…that is a whole other post, however.  But, what if this really was law….wouldn’t it cut down on the number of babymama whores like the one my husband bedded down with, if she knew that having the child would bring her absolutely NO reward whatsoever?  Wouldn’t it cut down on the number of women who think receiving child support is a career, and who hunt high-income earning men to father their children so that they can rake in support? Wouldn’t it cut down on the number of unplanned pregnancies if women knew that there was no “fallback” option, and that she was SOLELY responsible for the financial duties for her child if she decides SOLELY to continue her pregnancy?  I would think less women would be as careless with their birth control, and more women would opt to abort or adopt before incurring the kinds of financial setbacks they place on men without even batting an eye.

Laws need to be fair. They need to be fair to ALL involved, and the law shows that often, men are not even considered when it comes to a woman’s right to an abortion.  Why should men pay the price for a child he never wanted, simply because a woman wants to be a mother?  If a woman has the ultimate decision making right, then she should make those decisions prepared to absorb ALL consequences of her choice.  After all, what do we as a society teach our children about taking responsibility and decision making?  That you can make a choice that burdens SOMEONE ELSE without even asking their choice?  Since when is causing harm to another by one’s own single-handed decision making considered good law?  In any other arena, with different terms, we would call that abuse.

For more reading on this subject:

 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kirsten-west-savali/fathers-financial-abortion_b_1015286.html

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1173414,00.html

http://lorettakemsley.hubpages.com/hub/Is-Financial-Abortion-for-Men-Viable-or-Legal

http://prospect.org/article/why-financial-abortion-bad-idea

All of my comments above, written based on my personal experience of having my family’s resources, my children’s resources, and my hard-earned resources compromised by a whore who unilaterally decided, for the purpose of punishing my husband and I, to have a child in order to cost us support money.  A woman whose sole interest in her child is to earn more because of it, and who actively thirsts through ongoing communication from lawyers for our tax returns so that she can determine how much more she is making this year, how much more she will take from my kids who had no say whatsoever in the matter and whose lives are forever changed because of her irresponsibility in keeping a child she was never prepared to financially support.

Perplexed


The self-absorbed righteous mistress thinks it is all about her

 

 

I am perplexed. I am the kind of person who marvels in figuring things out. OK so maybe I don’t really want to know the inner workings of the remote control, or how the thermostat regulates the temperature in the house (I actually know all about the coiled bi-metallic anode), but I love making sense of chaos and finding a reason for why things are the way that they are, especially as it relates to human behaviour. It is for this reason that I first sought a psychology degree in my undergraduate training, and later a masters in psychotherapy. I like knowing what makes people tick. Over the years, learning myself better, I think the reason I was so attracted to knowing what guides human behaviour was my need to predict my environment and feel safe in it. I reason that if I knew what would cause a person to do a certain thing, I could better anticipate it, and not be caught off guard. Regardless, I just enjoy putting people together, like a puzzle, and figuring them out.

The mistress stumps me. You know, as I type those words each time, I don’t even like applying that term to her. The word almost looks regal on screen. The sound of the letters when placed together in a word come off my tongue almost sounding classy, when this woman is the farthest thing from a class act. I guess that is why I prefer to call her the skank, the whore, the cum-dumpster, trailer trash, the slut, the bitch, or as one lovely reader, and fellow blogger likes to call her, the “side pork”. Yup, I still love that one.

 

I can’t figure out what would make a person feel so entitled. I posted a while back on “entitlement”, and reflect often on how this poor excuse for a human being feels so entitled, despite neon signs flashing all around her which tell her the opposite. Can someone be so self-absorbed with such a warped sense of self-importance that they simply don’t think that the rules apply to them? Can someone be so delusional as to think that they are far better than anyone else, and that the rules that apply to most people, are not valid where they are concerned? The latter, of course, is actually a mental illness, and my husband and I (and our various solicitors) are convinced that she is not mentally all there, so maybe that explains it.

Looking back at the story in summary:

We find a woman who meets a married man, decides she likes him, learns he is married, and pursues him anyway. She would probably disagree that she pursued him, and make herself the victim, like he pursued her, but seriously….regardless of how it went down, or who initiated what, at some point, she decided that flirting with, kissing, and sleeping with a married man was something she was OK with, and she went ahead with her behaviour with full knowledge of his marital status, so it doesn’t really matter who pursued who, she wasn’t a victim in all of this as she would claim, she was a 50% responsible co-conspirator with my husband. She felt ENTITLED to him.

She makes the relationship ‘seem’ attractive and fun by stating that she only wants casual sex (these details by the way are found throughout her emails and text messages where she writes literally this), that she is sex-crazy and needs to have sex 4-5 times PER DAY and never feels satisfied. She advertises herself as sexually liberal and interested only in the casual nature of the sex, with no strings attached, and despite saying that she too is involved with someone, she puts forth an ‘escape clause’ that says that either one of them can put an end to the relationship at any time, no questions asked. She hoped my husband wouldn’t read the small print (his penis doesn’t have such good eyesight to read the small little print at the bottom of the page, and is easily distractible), which states that only she can use the escape clause for her own benefit, and that if he attempts to use it, he will be stalked, terrorized, harassed, threatened and his life made utterly miserable – sign on the dotted line. Something smells fishy….that is just too perfect a scenario for a woman to put forth…and so rare. Too bad my husband didn’t follow the golden rule: If something seems too good to be true…it probably is.

When it was obvious that he wasn’t interested, she became pregnant and flaunted that she’d prefer to have an abortion, and would do so if he left me and his kids. He wasn’t prepared to do that. Threats escalated. Then came the ultimatum: You tell your wife this week, or I will. She felt ENTITLED to this relationship and would do whatever she could to secure it. Since she’d already shown him that she means business and would certainly follow through on that threat, he knew the gig was up. She coached him on what to say, and how to say it, and waited gleefully off-stage while he gave the final performance of his marital career, expectantly waiting to rescue him after I kicked him to the curb. Finally, she would get what she wanted. She was ENTITLED to it. But she didn’t read me, as well as I read her, and was side-swiped with the news that he wasn’t leaving, and I wasn’t kicking him out. So the shit hits the fan.

From that moment on, the ENTITLEMENT festered and grew like a cancer, spreading like wildfire, and taking over any sensible, rational part of her brain. She decides to have her baby out of spite, knowing full well that she would be raising this child alone, and that my husband would never see the child. He’d made that very clear to her when she was deciding what to do, and wanted her to make her choice with FULL KNOWLEDGE of how it would look. This wasn’t a surprise, this was her CHOICE. He had no say in whether his child was brought into the world. She alone was going to decide that a child would be born to a fatherless home, with a mentally unstable mother, and would cost the father close to one million dollars in child support over the next 22 years. Yup, you heard me right. TWENTY-TWO YEARS. Sounds like a prison sentence doesn’t it? It feels like one. Funny how TWO people can make a CHOICE to sleep together, TWO people can decide to engage in something illicit, TWO people can conspire to keep it a secret, but ONE person can decide on behalf of BOTH of them whether a child should be born of their union, and that the other person will pay for 95% of it. Somehow that loses its fairness. At that point, what was consensual to BOTH is now decided by ONE, and guided by spite, revenge, and anger. Out of anger for not having “won the prize” when I decided to keep my husband, she decides to birth a child, stating that she looked forward to ruining us financially and having us pay for it (yes, she actually said that), and then goes on a revenge rampage, emailing everyone she can think of that is connected to my husband to tell them about the affair. She felt ENTITLED to let them know, claiming that it was her ‘responsibility’. Not only did she email work colleagues and co-workers, she contacted executive staff who manage over my husband, who have the ability to see him out of his career. When that wasn’t tasty enough, she decided she would also try to ruin us socially, and revealed the affair to friends via email, and then lastly to my parents and brother, so that I could feel a little of the humiliation as well. She felt ENTITLED to share it, it was almost, as she’d put it, her responsibility to let them all know, and cloaked it as a desire to want to inform them all so that they could ‘help me’ emotionally through the pain it would surely cause. When her actions threatened my husband’s reputation among his peers and colleagues, her employment with him was terminated. It was felt that she could no longer work in that environment, was a threat to the organization and to the principal of the company, and was let go. Despite being given 3X the severance pay that she was entitled to, along with a letter of reference, she decided to launch a wrongful dismissal suit because she felt ENTITLED to damages. She claimed emotional distress and psychological torment at having lost her job, and claimed that she was let go because she was pregnant. She obtained a free lawyer who would work for her for free for the next two years, trying to help her collect on damages. She had him convinced that my husband had raped and tormented her, and that he’d impregnated her and then hung her out to dry. He bought into it hook, line, and sinker. Any rational person hearing the story objectively, would have felt some compassion for me, the innocent party, during these proceedings, but her bottom-feeding lawyer looked at me with disgust, and refused to shake my hand when I offered it at our first meeting. Doesn’t surprise me that someone lacking any class would select a lawyer equally un-schooled in the art of human relations. She launched in tandem a complaint with the Human Rights Tribunal, hoping to collect some additional money. She felt ENTITLED to as much money as possible to offset her ‘suffering. When the time came to settle the custody and child support issues (separate legal team, separate court documents), she was encouraged to settle those before the custody would be considered. She wanted the custody settled so that her payments would be court ordered and enforceable, because she felt ENTITLED to obtain as much money from his as possible. She ended up receiving a considerable sum in settlement pay in order to drop her two false claims (she wasn’t wrongfully dismissed, and she wasn’t discriminated against (human rights) for having been pregnant. Both claims were dropped, and she walked away with her pockets filled, never having paid her lawyer a red cent. He would end up being paid from this sum. It had been the plan all along: launch as many claims as you can against him, it will end up being settled, and at the very least, we will walk away financially advantaged. Nice ploy.

 

Outside of the child support payments exist extraneous payments which are required to be paid in addition Things like prescriptions, ballet classes, music classes, school fees, team enrolment, mommy&baby classes, etc. That isn’t split 50/50, it is proportionate to income, and because she doesn’t work, we pay 95%, so when a prescription had to be filled for her daughter for $29, she sent the bill to our lawyer for $27. Yup, she pays $2, and we pay $27. I couldn’t believe, given the enormous amount she makes in child support payments, that she was scraping the bottom of the barrel and scrounging for $27….I was kind of embarrassed for her, but she felt ENTITLED. She unilaterally decided to place her child into daycare, with no regard to what the cost was. She chose one of the highest priced daycares in the area. Why? Cause she doesn’t pay for it, we do. Her 5% portion is laughable. She felt ENTITLED to spend our money how she saw fit. Why not? Free money, mandated by the laws which have been put into place to protect babies of deadbeat dads. When she decided that she wanted to get her daughter immunized against Hepatitis B (not covered by health insurance), we questioned why she would need/want to immunize her against something like this at such a young age, especially if she isn’t exposed…unless she was going on a trip? A few weeks later, a request comes for my husband to sign her passport application. She is reminded that she has complete custody, and his signature or permission for her to travel is not needed. A passport? A hepatitis B vaccination? Sounds like someone is going on a vacation!! Mexico maybe? Funny, she can’t scrape two cents together, and hasn’t been able to EVER afford a vacation…until now, when her child support payments which are far greater than what is actually NEEDED to support her child allow her to squirrel a little away at a time for her child. Looks like she went to Mexico (or some other disease infested area requiring advanced vaccination), on our dollar. Why not? She is ENTITLED to a vacation on us, right?

So here we are, two years later. The false lawsuits have been dropped and closed. She has legally released my husband from all claims relating to her employment. She gets a monthly cheque for her child support, post-dated cheques given yearly so they are never late, and daycare payments made directly to the daycare so that she can turf her kid and have some ‘mommy time’. She is ENTITLED to that though, cause she works so hard as a single mother (and I don’t doubt that she does, I am sure it is BRUTALLY hard, and I wouldn’t change places with her but let’s not forget that this was her CHOICE). She sits on the brink of a job offer, having submitted a job application that she obvious wants desperately (I guess she needs to get out of the house, 100% childcare is exhausting!! He warned her that it would be….we’ve been there…done that…she didn’t listen), and she is worried that he won’t give her a good reference. Although she has a reference letter, her fear is that someone will call him, and she can’t monitor or control what he says. She is worried that karma is going to exact a toll on her, and do to her what she has been doing to him for two years: slandering a reputation and compromising a career. Out of her fear, she has decided to launch several lies and threatens to make them public (read the post before this one called “I am mentally unstable….” if she doesn’t get what she wants. Can someone tell me why she should get what she wants, after all that she has done? Because she feels ENTITLED, that’s why.

In my attempt to decode this person’s behaviour, I am left perplexed. How can someone exact such vengeful behaviours, launch a tirade of hurtful actions, compromise my husband’s reputation and career, stalk me online, harass me with false police allegations against me, demand payments for things that she unilaterally selects, and then feel entitled to a glowing recommendation? Seriously? Is she missing a chromosome responsible for rationality? Is she really just this stupid? Or is she just ballsy, thinking that if she casts a wide enough net, she is likely to reel SOMETHING back, and she just doesn’t care how it makes her look? Wow. I just don’t get it. I feel embarrassed for her. This is just one person I can’t figure out…and it’s not because she is too complex…she just escapes the definition of ‘normal’.

She won’t be getting a reference letter. My husband has no desire to compromise her career. He is above all of that. He would rather see her working, and supporting her child, than leeching off of us every month. He would rather see her time and brain power put towards a job, instead of left free to concoct more damage against us. He wants her to move on. He wants her to find a man. He wants her to divert her attention off of us, and to just move on with her life. He pays a cheque monthly to assist her with that. Hopefully it is just a matter of time before she ‘gets it’ that it is time to let go, and to move forward.

Fuck you…Oh, can I get a reference?


For those who have been following and know the story, bless you for having read so much, and remaining on the crazy-train. For those who are new, or who haven’t combed through the archives of this blog to see the hell that the psycho mistress has tried to put our family through, I will give you a little synopsis so that this post makes sense.

My husband had an affair with a woman he worked with. She was his only employee, and at the time, he was grateful for the help. They started seeing one another before she came to work for him, and when he asked her to just be friends and stop the relationship, she claimed to be OK with it, and came to work for him under the understanding that they would remain only friends. That didn’t last long, and before you know it, she was asking him to stay late after work, making threats if he didn’t spend time with her or show her the affection she wanted. On the nights he would leave directly from work, she would text all night long threatening to tell me, to ruin him, to scream rape and cost him his career. As she gradually wanted more of a relationship than she was getting (she was getting screwed on office furniture and I guess she wanted a real date with a meal), she started to threaten more and more, and insinuate that perhaps he should tell me, so that he can stop living a lie. Obviously, she’d hoped to horn in on our lives, and hoped that upon learning of his transgressions, that I would kick him out, freeing him up for her. Well, I didn’t. She became infuriated, started emailing everyone we knew about the affair, including my husband’s work colleagues and my parents. She started threatening to tell others whose influence were higher on the chain, hoping that it would cost him his reputation. She was fired for this misconduct and for using work-related contacts which were privacy restricted for non-work-use, she was fired, and offered a significant amount of pay in exchange for notice, along with a reference letter to just get her out of his hair. Oh, in case you didn’t know, she was also 7 weeks pregnant and threatening to keep the baby unless he left me and our three children. He didn’t leave. She had the baby. We pay her child support every month, and my husband has no desire to see or know the child.

In the aftermath of the disclosure, in an effort to cause us greater harm, she launched a lawsuit accusing my husband of having fired her for being pregnant. Now, we all know that wasn’t why she was fired, but she figured she could claim that, and possibly win some money. She simultaneously launched a human rights tribunal action, citing discrimination for having been terminated for being pregnant. Although the two claims are similar, one is clearly a human rights/discrimination angle, and the other is an employment standards case for wrongful termination. In her Human Rights complaint, she goes into grossly fabricated detail about how she was sexually assaulted by my husband, raped, used and abused, and then threatened with job loss if she didn’t perform certain sexual acts. Her stories read like a bad made-for-TV miniseries. The way he ‘threw her to the ground’, ‘commanded her to perform oral sex at his desk’, ‘finished with her, and then threw her to the floor and told her she was a slut and then spit on her’….yeah, ok, cause THAT really happened. NOT. Anyone who knows my husband would find her script completely out of character, but it was coloured in the most maligning way possible, to cost him his career and make him suffer.

Fast forward two years. The lawsuit has been settled (we paid her even more money to just go away and drop it already), and this week, an email crossed my husband’s desk that she is looking for a job, and hopes for a reference letter. Are you fucking kidding me? She wants a letter of reference? What is he supposed to say, she sued me for fabricated scenarios, cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees, threatened my family, stalked my wife, called the police on my wife with false claims that my wife was hunting her down, but other than that she is a dedicated and hard worker and you’d be pleased to have the likes of her in YOUR office??? Really?

Her email reads (names have been removed for privacy):

In court in January 2012 you agreed we would discuss my job reference from (husband) at a later date. That date is here… I have been offered a position…Should my potential employer call for a job reference from(my husband) I have explained that my reason for leaving (husband’s company) in march2010 was due to a very physically difficult pregnancy (ummm no, it was because your sorry ass was fired due to your behaviour and threatening your employer and his family), I was placed onbedrest for most of my pregnancy & understandably unable to work (but not so bedridden that you couldn’t harass, stalk, fabricate false lawsuits…). Oncemy maternity leave was completed in September 2011, I chose to focus onmy studies full time and focus on completing my degree (Read: I chose to remain unemployed because my child support cheque gives me more money per month than I was ever making in my job, so why work?). This is thereason I did not return to working at (husband’s workplace) upon completion of my mat leave. Although he would have gladly taken me back (Are you for real??!?!?) as he has stated in thousands of emails, text messages and videos (no videos….but he had told her that she was a good employee from time to time and how grateful he was to have her in his employ), I am an excellent employee. I certainly hope (my husband’s) job reference for me will reflect those thousands of sentiments, that I excel in my role, and he give me an excellent reference and recommendation to any employer. Should he need documentation to jog his memory of his positive statements regarding my excellent skills I would be happy to forward the thousands of emails, text messages and videos for his review. There is of course additional extraneous information in these videos which I’m sure he wishes to keep confidential (there are no videos, but I find it funny that she would fabricate the existence of a video in which my husband simultaneously engages in sexual behavior with her while simultaneously vocalizing that she is a stellar employee at the same time…nice video if it actually exiated) between him and myself (and anyone who viewed them prior to Jan 2012), however I would be happy to provide him with these if he wishes. The other people who provide job references for me are people whom (my husband) interacts with regularly (you can only get a job reference from an employer you freaking idiot, and no one that you had in common can write you a reference letter…and the people you knew in common due to your role are the I.T person, the telephone technician, and perhaps the guy who delivered the mail???!? were THEY giving you reference letters about how great of an employee they think you MAY have been (they wouldn’t know), or were you fucking them too and that is the reference they can provide?!?), as I’m sure he is aware (my husband) and I have many, many mutual associates (no they don’t). All of these people will provide an excellent reference for me (you weren’t employed by any of them you dumb fuck)utilizing the aforementioned reasons for leaving employment with(husband). They have all expressed a desire for (husband) to also provide the same excellent reference and reason for leaving (they have all expressed a desire for him to write you a reference letter? Really? These fictitious people care THAT much about you?). Employment for me will ultimately benefit his daughter (name withheld), whose best interests are paramount. Please let me remind you that prior to January 2012 all information about (our) relationship with me, and our daughter was not confidential, hence the knowledge of the above parties of the situation (because she sent everyone she knows details about it in an effort to slander my husband).
Please tell me she isn’t this stupid….oh wait, yes she is. Here, let me sue you, cost you thousands of dollars, nickel and dime you for child support when I am making triple what most single mothers get in support, and oh, by the way, can you give me a really nice reference letter? This, people, is the moron we are dealing with. Someone oughta take her out back and shoot her. The average intelligence of the planet would rise ever so slightly.

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My husband fucked a moron…I hope it isn’t contagious


My husband’s ex-mistress is a moron.  I used to say that out of sheer anger and hatred for what her actions had brought into my family, and her ongoing harassment and downright cruel actions.  Now, I say it because I have proof, and while it used to make me angry, it now kind of makes me laugh.

(I am actually proud of myself.  I no longer get all worked up like I used to, and can now shrug most of these things off, and then carry on, forgetting about them moments later, and not having them penetrate my day, so…yay me.)

For those who have followed the story, or even for those that haven’t but who are aware of how child support payments work, the saga continues.  My husband has a court-ordered child support obligation to the child he fathered with the ho-bag.  Child support pays for the bare necessities of life: clothes on your back, food in your tummy, and a roof over your head.  Beyond these expenses are additional expenses which are split between the parents, the proportionate share being determined by the disparity in their incomes. Daycare, for one thing, is not paid from the child support, it is an additional expense.  Piano lessons, ballet, camp….those are additional expenses that the parents share, and our share of those is 95%…why 95?  Because she has no job, and gets free money so why work?

Despite the fact that she doesn’t have a job, she has put her unwanted child in daycare two days a week, then recently increased that to three, and now wants to increase it to five.  Can you say “I don’t want this kid, how can I get rid of it?”.  Hmmm I guess my husband suggestion to not have the child because it is a LOT of work is finally sinking in, but it is too late.  You’re a mommy and don’t want to be?  Oh waaaaaahhh…boo hoo.   So now, wanting to put this child into 5 days a week daycare, she needs to come up with proof that she is either in school or working 5 days per week in order to necessitate daycare 5 days per week.  So far, she has been unable to provide any documentation. But, she did have a lot of fun over the past few weeks sending our lawyer emails where she tries to sound like a lawyer, saying things like “your client isn’t paying his portion of the daycare, and they are not being paid”, and “your client has failed to honor the court order by providing his tax returns for our assessment”, and “when is your client going to obey the order of the court? Further non-compliance by your client will result in additional court appearances, and I wish to warn you that I will be seeking costs….”  OK little miss lawyer-wannabe…back in the dirty corner of your trailer you go.

First of all, her daycare costs ARE being covered, for the previous amount of days agreed upon for which she was able to provide documentation.  Since increasing her days, she has been unable to provide such documentation, and therefore, we have not been asked to increase our amount.  Until she can prove that it is NEEDED, she foots the cost, but no, she is too cheap, so she is letting the daycare run at a loss, hoping that my husband will pay it.  But, why should he?   He isn’t here to simply foot the bill for her desires and wishes, just cause she needs a day off of parenting.  Give me a break!  And the holier than thou attitude to the lawyer?  Give me a second break. Ridiculous.

Secondly, his tax returns were submitted on time, to our lawyer.  She hasn’t received them because she no longer has a lawyer.  Without a lawyer to send the details to, our lawyer is holding onto the details, but they WERE submitted as needed.  Now, it bears mentioning that the details of his income aren’t under review until October, so seeing them now simply gives her a glimpse into the candy dish she is pulling from next year.  Did his income go up?  By how much?  Does this mean I can get a new car now?   Blech.

She is just mentally challenged.  Truthfully, what kind of moron sends wannabe-intimidating emails to a professional lawyer, making accusations that our side isn’t honouring their commitment, when it is HER who has failed to show justification for needing the daycare, and unit she does, we ought do NOTHING, so we are completely in the right waiting for her to show her need.  We don’t just dole out free money, nor should we.  (I use the words ‘we’, but am perfectly aware that these are my husband’s costs and burden and not mine….I simply support him emotionally, so I use the word ‘we’, and ‘our’).  The best part was when she received an auto-reply from the lawyer that she was away on vacation, and would return July 16th. Moron emails her back and tells her that these matters are urgent, and that her ‘vacation is irrelevant’.   What kind of creature tells a hard working professional that they don’t deserve to be on vacation and it is irrelevant because SHE wants money?  Holy ballsy….or just plain stupid – you tell me.

So now the lawyer is back from vacation, and has told her in no uncertain terms that she is to communicate only through a lawyer on her side.  She refuses to communicate with her directly.  I agree, why would she want all of her unfiltered garbage?  At least a lawyer on her side, with any smarts, would be able to filter her shit before it came down the line, saying things like: “you can’t make a request like that’, or “that isn’t legally prescribed’, or “what the hell are you smoking??”, preventing 90% of what she thinks and ponders from ever reaching us.  As funny as her crap is, personally, we just enjoy living like better when she isn’t a part of it.  The sad part for her is that I think her lawyer finally had enough of her and fired her.  After his December payout from her settlement, he’s had enough.  He did, at one time early on in our process, confide in our lawyer that he wants nothing to do with her…gee, I wonder why.

I hope dumb doesn’t rub off, otherwise my husband’s thinking brain is going to suffer irreparable brain damage from exposure to mistressosis stupidialis.

Burden of responsibility and getting off Scott-free


When we are children, we are taught to share.  We are taught to “play  nice”.  When one child does something inappropriate to another, they are reprimanded.  If two children pair up to do something to a third child, both instigating children are found equally culpable, even when one points the finger at the other and said “she told me to!”, or “it was his idea!”.  What caused the circumstance is rarely an issue.  We care about making it RIGHT, and holding accountable those who contributed to the problem.  We don’t care whose idea it was, who pressured who into action….both are guilty, right?

Why is it then, that when we look at issues of infidelity, we, as women, are asked to not be upset with the whores who tried to steal our husbands and overturn our families.  Time and time again, we read about, and are told “she owed you nothing”, or “he was the one with the contract with you, not her”, or “he broke his vows, she didn’t owe you anything”, and we are asked to excuse the mistress because she isn’t the one who broke the vow.  Really?  Is it just me that strikes a bad chord with?   Am I simply too close to my own situation and filled with hatred and resentment that I am unable to see clearly what these other wise sages see?

I was recently on you tube looking up the videos I shared last week on the blog from Dr. Phil.  A quick search brought up this little number from Judge Judy.

Feel free to watch it in its entirety, but what I wanted to point out from it was that in her angry vent, the wife expresses dismay towards the “other woman”, to which Judge Judy replies that she owes her nothing.  That she isn’t the one who broke their marriage contract, and that she best take a closer look at her husband, instead of placing the blame on the mistress.   I can see both viewpoints, but I disagree entirely on this position of letting the mistress whore off scott-free.   If this were  a sandbox scuffle, mama bear would have come in and punished both, no?

I hold an immense amount of hatred towards my husband’s mistress.  Immense.  Gigantic.  Immeasurable.  If I could see her suffer, I would want a front row seat, with popcorn and perhaps a little candy to sweeten the deal.  I admit it entirely, and don’t keep it a secret.  I hate her with every cell in my body.   Do I hold her responsible?  Yes.  Is she solely responsible?  No.  My husband had free will and choice when he decided to violate our marriage.  He had the choice to walk away, to say no, to resist the feelings their interaction created.  He had CHOICE.  He made BAD CHOICES.  They BOTH did.   Why don’t I hate my husband to the same degree?  Why don’t I fantasize about him suffering emotionally and physically?  Why don’t I wish horrid circumstances to befall him, and instead try to protect him from sadness and hurt after all he’s done?

One word: Remorse.

My husband shows me through his words and actions that he regrets his choice.  He broke all contact with her, and committed to the marriage.  He’s attended therapy with me weekly for more than a year.  He’s listened, showed empathy, tried to make things right and correct the wrongs, tried to protect me from the evil that came from his actions.  He is remorseful?

Is she remorseful?  Not one iota.  Does she regret her choice?  She probably only regrets HOW she went about certain things, because in the end she lost him.  She probably regrets not digging deeper, or finding more malicious ways of keeping her hooks dug in deep.  She may regret having asked him to make a choice.  But does she regret ‘going for it?’.  No.  That is a guarantee.  Does she regret me finding out?  No, because she wants to see me suffer, and wanted me to know all along.  Does she show regret when she calls the police with false claims against me in order to keep me reminded of the ‘power’ she feels she has over me?   Does she show regret when she creates false legal claims designed to bankrupt my family, knowing that her child support payments can never be impacted, and are safeguarded no matter what happens to us financially?  No.  She has NEVER apologized.  She has never admitted fault. She has never acknowledged the pain she has caused.  She never will.  I see her sitting alone in her apartment with her child, no one to help her, no one to take over while she takes a nap, no one to share her child’s milestones with – totally alone.  But I do see a smug smile on her face when she thinks about the pain she inflicted and continues to inflict because she is evil like that.  She gets a perverse pleasure out of causing discomfort to others.  She used to do it to my husband in their relationship…make threats, cause drama, take things to the edge of normal and then rope him back, seemingly turned on by the rock and hard place she’d wedged him in.  Smug like a puppeteer holding the strings, watching others dance at her command.  That kind of person, smug and glee-filled at the thought of her destruction would never apologize.  In her mind, it will always be someone else’s fault.  It was my husband’s fault for coming on to her, it was my fault for not being complementary enough to my husband and showing him the support he needed during a rough time, it was his fault for creating a close working environment for them, it was my fault for not being the wife he needed….whatever spin she puts on it, she will always be the victim, and we the guilty party.

Why then, if these women actively prey on married men, and seek them out, are we not entitled to find them culpable, to hate them?  Why, if it takes two to cause an affair, are both parties not equally guilty, not equally responsible to the wife?  If I physically trespass on someone’s physical property, and cause irreparable damage, you can bet I will be held responsible.  She trespassed on my marriage, and yet, she “owes me nothing”???

Why do these women get their cake and eat it too?  They can walk into a marriage, engage the husband in an affair, enjoy the relationship and then walk away with no responsibility?  What is this, a car lease?   What about common decency?  What about humanity?  What about simple code of ethical conduct?   I can’t imagine EVER feeling entitled enough to do what she did, and to then CONTINUE to wreak havoc on the one I’d transgressed against.  I wouldn’t have the guts.

My healing journey would look totally different had I received one word of apology from her.  Had she expressed remorse or regret, had she expressed that she felt she’d made a mistake, or felt badly – I would be in a much better place than I am.   Instead she mocked me, called me names, ridiculed me physically, and then expressed excitement and joy in the fact that my hard work and strife would be going to pay HER child support.  She expressed joy at the idea of me slaving away to pay her monthly while she sits back and collects.  She actually said the words, followed by a “Yay me!”.   She then dragged us through the legal system with the help of a free lawyer, cost us hundreds of thousands of dollars, and continues now to squabble over $20 prescriptions for her child, for which we pay $19, and she pays $1 because her income is so disparate to ours.

Instead of facing two people keen on putting this behind us, and vowing to make better choices, I have only one who has ever once shown me that those 10 months were a mistake, were regretted, and were wrong.  The only one who has stepped up, been courageous enough to take the fall – my husband.  Remorse goes a long way to fixing a problem like this.  She will never ever ever show remorse.  Psychopathic narcissists like this simply can’t ever find fault with themselves.  So don’t anyone tell me that I don’t have the right to hate her, or to find her culpable.  Don’t tell me that she owes me nothing.  Don’t tell me that my husband was more responsible than she was.  It takes TWO, and in my reality, only one is paying their penance.

The view from here


I have to admit it.  I haven’t been feeling well lately.  It’s funny, because I don’t expect things to be linear and to always move forward with never a setback, but I also didn’t expect to still feel so sad and helpless two years later.

 

The anniversary of D day, or “disclosure day” goes in the infidelity circles, passed last week.  This year, unlike last year, I tried not to make a big deal out of it, and didn’t even mention it.  Last year, I celebrated by starting this blog. OK, so ‘celebrated’ isn’t really the appropriate word, but it is what I did to help vent the feelings that arose when the anniversary date came up.

This year I sat by a pool in the sun in the Bahamas, surrounded by my husband and my three oblivious children, thinking about how the last time I saw palm trees, it was the last day of my vacation in Malibu – 2 days before he disclosed the affair.  I thought about how we hadn’t been on true ‘vacation’ in a warm tropical place since that time.  I thought about her, them, and us.  As much as I’d hoped last year that this year I would be able to get through the time without giving it any thought, it didn’t happen.  It’s too soon.

Lately, now that the whore has left us alone from the legal battling being over (she got her $28K settlement for a false lawsuit she created that we had to settle in order to get the custody/support crap ironed out), things have been kind of quiet.  When things get too quiet, I start to get edgy.  What is she going to pull next?  How am I going to find myself surprised this time?  Will it be another false report to the police about me?   Will it be my tires slashed again?  (that was last month, I didn’t blog about it, but we have our suspicions), Will she up the ante and do something I can’t even imagine right now?   It is a function of the PTSD I struggle with, always on alert, never able to completely relax and rest and just BE. I am like the car accident victim who won’t get in the car, the earthquake victim who fears a sudden shaking….it ISN’T a way to live, and it isn’t the way I want to live, but it is my reality, for now.

So if things have settled from the legal side…why do I feel so crappy?

I think I just feel a massive sense of unfairness and betrayal.  In all this, I am the only one of the three of us who has lost.  She gained a child who is paid for financially for life when she would otherwise not have had children.  She gained 28K in settlement money by creating false claims and then having them settled out of court.  She makes more in child support than she ever did in her profession, meaning she could simply no longer work and be fine, all on our dollar.  She didn’t even have to pay her lawyer for 2 years of representation.  My husband won in that he was able to have his cake, eat it too, and maintain his wife and family.  Sure, he has to pay for it financially, but given the other cost of losing everything in his family, I think he prefers to pay out monetarily.  Me, what did I gain?  Before anyone says “you got your husband back….he didn’t leave you”, I am not sure that is much of a win when what I have always wanted was a husband who cares for me 100%, who I can rely on 100%, who is trustworthy, honest, caring and compassionate, who I can give myself over to completely.  Yes, I have my husband, but I have a man who cheated on me. I have a man who is eternally sorry, and whose presence is a reminder daily of his infidelity.  I have a man who pays a monthly support check to someone else to support a child he had with her while not thinking about me.  What exactly is the win there?   I am the one who has lost, and I didn’t even get the little benefit of the fling, just a bunch of lying and betrayal.

If I sound sour again, it is because I am.  I oscillate between being OK and not being OK.  I think that is part and parcel of what happens when women choose to stay and work on the marriage.  Instead of just saying goodbye and putting it behind you, you force yourself to stare it in the face every day, to see the demons face to face from waking to sleeping.  Something as simple as watching him put on his shoes….I am reminded.  When does it stop?  How?

I was walking with a neighbour today, and while we were out, the topic of infidelity came up as we both discussed how we’d watched “The Descendants” on our respective March Break trips.  We talked about how in the movie, although his friends knew his wife was cheating, no one told him.  We had a heart to heart about what we would want if one of us knew that the others husband was being unfaithful.  I told her that I would want to know.  She told me that it would be none of my business to tell her and that it would cause a rift between us.  I was frankly very surprised about her reaction, assuming that all women would want to know, and wouldn’t shoot the messenger when the messenger;s intent was simply to make you aware of an injustice being done to you.  As we talked, she talked about her friends, and how infidelity has touched some of them, and then told me that if that ever happened to her, he would be kicked out immediately.  It wasn’t even a question.  Now, if I have learned ANYTHING this year, it is that what people THINK they would do, and what they ACTUALLY do when put into the situation can be very different.  Most women who stay, never thought they would.  Some who thought they would, realize that they just can’t.  It is interesting indeed.

The interesting part of this walk was the fact that she is unaware of our situation.  We moved in next door, 5 months after D day.  They’ve only ever known us as we are now, not before, and we’ve not said a thing.  She reflected on how she would feel, and basically said something to the effect of “I wouldn’t bother staying, life is too short to be living in a state of constant reminders about the affair, the lies, the betrayal, and I am worth more than that.  He would have to leave and get an apartment, immediately.  Stay for the kids, absolutely not.  The kids are better off with parents happily separated than parents who are together but miserable, and what will they learn from it?  They will learn that cheating is OK, that they will be taken back, and that affairs don’t hurt marriages.  I’d be doing them a FAVOR for leaving him, not by staying.  She made my heart heavy, and bless her, she had no idea.

It does give me great pause.  Will I feel this way forever?  Will I ever have my life back?

Sitting in buy family room is an album of professional images captured days before the affair was divulged.  We were vacationing in Malibu and I asked a photographer to capture our family.  From the images, a stunning album was created with one of our images gracing the cover.   The other day as I turned off the TV, I saw it resting there.  I looked at it, drew it closer, and started to cry.  In that image is the last time that woman (me) was truly happy.   I looked at myself and wanted so badly to jump into that picture and to feel the blissful ignorance of not knowing.  To feel my family complete and happy, and sure it was a lie, but it was comfortable, and safe, and secure.  It was all I had wanted.  I cried at the thought that the woman there doesn’t exist anymore, and in her place stands a woman who lives under a dark cloud, constantly in fear of it happening again, or of the whore bitch creating yet another scheme to hurt us.

I hurt at the fact that this woman, knowing that my husband was married, chose to get involved, knowing that if the same were happening to her, she would be crushed, and yet she continued.  I hurt at the fact that she hates me for no reason, and has created in her mind a false idea of me, and that her hatred for me drives her to constantly attempt to bring more hurt to me.  How much hurt can one person dish to another and feel justified in doing so?   I don’t understand.  I have never felt such hatred for another person.

In the last couple of months, I have literally been consumed with hatred for her, and a desire to want to punish her, to seek revenge.  It is seriously taking over every waking moment of my day.  I can’t work as effectively as I should be, I can’t concentrate.  I want her to suffer. I want to see her feel the pain that I have and am feeling.  I envision her waking up every morning to her little girl, taking her off to daycare which WE pay 92% of so that she can go off to school and get a degree she doesn’t even need.  She leaves her kid in daycare and we have to pay for it. She gets a sitter, and we have to pay for it.  She gets $4K a month and according to her bank statements provided to calculate the shared proportion of expenses, she shops at second hand stores for her child.  This child is getting $4K per month….why does she not get new clothes and toys?  Because mommy apparently is also going to the hair salon, and buying herself clothes.  She is using our money for herself, I am sure of it, taking advantage of how the law favors her in these situations.  Completely unfair.  1 year olds don’t cost $4k per month, and yet when she chose to immunize her child last month, she had the audacity to ask us to cover the $100 charge….cause there is nothing left of her little monthly gift to cover this?  Makes me sick.   She is getting such a free fucking ride.

I don’t know where this post is going…it is more of a stream of consciousness than anything well planned out.  It is just a glimpse of the view from here.  It was 2 years on March 18th…and I am still wallowing in shit.

 

What is the law for, if not to protect the innocent?


I am in shock.  Utter disbelief.  My heart is heavy, and my faith in the legal system completely shaken.

Before embarking on this post, if you are a new reader, and don’t know the story, here is a recap from an earlier post to get you up to speed.  My husband slept with a psychopathic lunatic whose crazy has impacted our lives over the last 2 years, cost us tens of thousands of dollars to legally protect, and had his baby in order to collect child support/welfare.

I have always been, for one reason or another, a big proponent of justice.  It bothers me immensely to watch injustice happen.  As a child, I would reel over my brother getting away with things, a smirk on his face, my parents blissfully unaware that they had just been taken, the wool pulled tightly over their eyes.  I’d stand there, mouth agape, unable to believe that what I had seen transpire had just transpired.  “How could they be so blind?”. “How could he be so comfortable commiting such acts against innocent people, and have the nerve to be proud of himself, smile about it, and go on?”  I never understood.  I was, and always have been a very law-abiding person, so to see injustice happen yesterday made my blood boil.

Yesterday was a day we’ve waited for for quite some time.  It was the day we were to have my husband’s custody and child support agreement imposed by a judge.  The child support terms had been drafted months ago by our lawyer, but the mistress had disagreed to practically every practical clause, and then requested that others be added which aren’t allowable by law.  For example, she expected my husband to pay an additional $2K per month for childcare, claiming to need a nanny to allow her to go to work/school, and claimed to have racked up over $24K in childcare costs over the last year.  Interestingly enough, she refused to give the identifying details of the childcare provider so that we could investigate the accuracy and truthfulness of her claims.  We are not about to pay $24,000.00 to her while she is receiving free babysitting from her family members.  Apparently, there was no childcare provider last year….she was unable to substantiate it with records, having only handwritten receipts made to two separate individuals whose social insurance numbers she was unwilling to provide.  With all of the ridiculous demands she was making, and her inability to comply with even the most basic and regular of clauses, we had no choice but to take it in front of a judge, and have him/her decide it for us, imposing the terms of the agreement through the law.

We went to court yesterday, which was not at all as I expected it to be.  I’d expected a courtroom, a robed judge, and the opportunity to see the little swindler another time.  Instead, the two lawyers met in the judge’s chambers privately, exiting only to communicate terms with us, asking questions, and then returning for more deliberations.  The mistress sat around the corner, unseen by us, each of us asked to remain out of the sight of the other.  The first thing to come about was a comment by the judge that there are simultaneous lawsuits in progress between us at the same time. There is the issue of child support and custody for which we’d come, but there is also the suit she’d filed for wrongful dismissal, claiming to have been dismissed for having been pregnant, and then a suit she’d filed with the Human Rights Tribunal, claming to have been discriminated against in her job due to pregnancy.  The Human Rights Tribunal was unwilling to hear her case while the wrongful dismissal case was in progress, since both cases deal with the same issue, and it would be a duplication of services.  They’d suggested that once the wrongful dismissal suit was finished, she would then be free to commence the Human Rights issue.   If you haven’t been following the blog, I will tell you that she was NOT dismissed for being pregnant, she was dismissed because in the days following the discovery of the affair, once she’d realized that my husband would not leave his family for her, she started threatening my husband (her employer at the time) with disclosing the affair to his colleagues, and said that this would “cost him his career”. No longer feeling they could have a professional relationship, he terminated her employment.  She launched a lawsuit claiming she was fired for being pregnant, even though she’d worked 8 weeks with him knowing she was pregnant….the pregnancy was never the issue, her behaviour was.

According to the judge, you can’t lawfully settle on one aspect, and then continue to sue someone for other things.  She suggested that all suits be settled immediately.  The mistress agreed to drop her $100,000.00 wrongful dismissal suit, and the upcoming Human Rights complaint for $10K each.  In addition, because my husband’s income went up last year, her proportion of child support also rises, and so we owed her $7K in arrears of payment as we’d been paying her based on 2009 values.  So, as of today, in order to make her go away, we have to pay over $20K.  They ended up reworking the numbers, so that the $10K for each suit was reduced, and then her lawyer asked for her legal fees to be covered by us.  That last part enflames me because her lawyer WORKED FOR FREE.  Her lawyer is a friend of her father’s, a lawyer who had assisted her father in committing fraud many years ago.  We have no doubt that the $13K he is claiming to have charged her in legal fees was never charged to her, or paid.  We are hopeful that he will keep this money, as he has earned it with all of the work he has done, and all of the employees in his firm. But, we aren’t stupid either, and we are quite certain he will give a portion of it to her, asking for it only as a means of providing her a cloaked payment in addition to what she is already receiving.  Our lawyer reassured us that this was actually a very good settlement, as continuing to fight her in court for the other suits was going to cost us in excess of the $20K in settlement costs we are offering.  They signed the papers yesterday, and it is all done.  Or is it?  Part of the agreement included a mutual non-harassment order.  Neither she nor my husband shall annoy or harass the other.  Although my husband and I have NEVER done anything to harass this pathetic little slut, we agreed to the mutual order in order to get her restrained from us.  So hopefully her little antics will now cease, and we can go about our lives in peace, with this sad, pathetic little person being only a monthly cheque and nothing more. We can now begin the healing as we go about our days without emails from lawyers flooding our inbox, detailing the crazy requests, false claims and utter lies of this ridiculous excuse of a person.  We can now resume our regular lives…as they were, sort of anyway.

So why does this bother me?  Well, no one likes shelling out money to someone who doesn’t deserve a red cent of it.  But, given the legal proceeding we just went through with the employment lawyers, and the fact that it was evident that she would lose her case if it ever went to trial, it pains me that we have to pay her in order for her to drop the suit, but only in order to avoid further costs.  Our settlement does not an admission of guilt on our part, as we did nothing wrong, she wasn’t wrongfully dismissed, nor discriminated against because she was pregnant.  But, since her lawyer was costing her nothing, she was free to drag on the legal processses for as long as she wished, something which would have cost us more in the end.  So, essentially, it was “shut up and go away” money.  Money paid to salvage our lives back.  While it hurts the wallet to lose the money, and hurts the heart to know it is going to someone as undeserving as she, I am trying to look at it as a charity payment made to a mentally ill woman who is raising a child by herself…it isn’t helping much, but seeing her as a charity case takes the sting out.

The humour of the day was when she had a freaking screaming hissy fit and embarrassed herself entirely on the courthouse floor.  The sad part is that she probably doesn’t even realize how embarrassing her little act was. It was apparently quite comical, made my husband chuckle quietly in his hallway, and reaffirmed for our counsel that “this woman is a fucking nutcase!”.  I certainly wish I’d been there to see/hear that.  Apparently she was mad because the mutual restraining order didn’t work entirely in her favour, so she decided to scream out ridiculous comments like “he’s a monster!” (referring to my husband whose only “crime” against her has been to not lay eyes on the child she unilaterally decided to have in order to milk us of money), and “He doesn’t pay me ANYTHING!”, negating the fact that she gets over $2K in child support every month), and “he’s never paid for a single thing for his daughter!” (ummmm yeah, see the previous one).  She then started screaming that her daughter was “fatherless”, and would have to be put into therapy due to the neglect, meanwhile I think we can all agree with her, this child WILL need therapy.  She will need therapy because her mother suffers with Borderline Personality Disorder and invited herself into a marriage, slept with a married man, covertly had a relationship and then arranged to have herself knocked up because she saw dollar signs – LOSER.   Just imagining what that must have looked like/sounded like brings the biggest smile to my face.  I mean, I know she is a loser, but that is just utterly funny.  I personally like to tease my husband that he fucked trailer trash.  He agrees, and can’t believe he ever succumbed to such garbage.

I will be updating the blog further with more thoughts on infidelity in general, an unsent letter from me to the mistress, and a general invitation for those who have been hurt by infidelity to share their stories as well.

Piece by piece


I am drained.  I have been living this nightmare for 441 days. Just when I think I am returning into a state of ‘normal’, I am reminded that I will never again know what ‘nornal’ is.  My normal has shifted to a new state of ‘typical’ and it leaves me feeling depressed and hopeless.

I didn’t do anything.  I didn’t make any choices here.  I am not the one who almost threw away their marriage.  And yet, I am paying the ultimate price for the actions of two stupid, immature, selfish people, ONE of which should have known better.  MUCH better.  We’d talked about infidelity.  We were on the same page about how wrong it is.  He was raised by a serial cheater (father) and we’ve had countless conversations about how infantile his father’s continued abuse of his mother’s trust was.  Was he saying these things for MY benefit, but didn’t really embrace the same values that I did?  Did our vows mean NOTHING?

These are the things I ponder as I look back on the last 18 months.  Yes, that is right, next week will be 18 months.  It has been the slowest 18 months of my life.

Today I had the opportunity in therapy to share a small piece of my feelings about the child support his mistress is set to receive and how much it hurts me.  I don’t think he fully grasps the extent to which this KILLS me inside.  This woman cheated with my husband KNOWING that he is married.  She came to my home and chatted with me twice, once staying almost an hour.  She seemed genuinely likeable and friendly….and the whole time she stood and smiled at me, she knew she was harbouring a secret:  she was sleeping with my husband, and I was the only one in the dark.  What a fool she must have thought me to be.  How laughable.  Did she walk down my driveway with her fingers in the shape of an “L” on her forehead (denoting that I am a LOSER).  Did she laugh at my expense?  Was I the butt of jokes between her and her friends (they knew she was sleeping with a married man).  Was I considered pathetic?  This same woman, upon discovering that I knew of the affair didn’t cower, didn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable, and certainly didn’t apologize for having crossed a MAJOR line.  No, instead she laughed at me, mocked me, degraded me, caused me to question the security of my relationship by telling me that my husband thinks I am fat and used to laugh at me and about me (he claims that was a total fabrication), she sent mean-spirited emails, emailed my family, spilled this embarrassing secret to friends and family and has now made it her mission to drain us of every penny she can.  This is her sport, and she is going in as a warrior into battle.  Willing to do anything, say anything, be anything to get what she wants.  The problem?  She is facing the wrong opponent.  She needs someone equally prepared to go to war, and what she has is my husband. My husband is a nice guy, doesn’t want to rock the boat, maybe-if-I-give-it-enough-time-things-will-improve kinda guy.   His being a ‘nice-guy’ is what got him into this mess.   He goes along with things, and is easily manipulated.  He is being taken for a ride every day.  The only problem is, he doesn’t even realize he is in the car, and has himself fully believing that hs is in the drivers seat, in control.  He has no control here.  She does.  She pays no legal fees and can do whatever pleases her, at our expense because fighting her costs us money.  No, my husband doesn’t put on armor and charge full-throttle into the situation, pin her sorry ass up against the wall and demand that this behaviour, the harassment, the slander, the false allegations that cause us to seek legal support at $450 per hour EACH AND EVERY TIME stop.  Instead he blindly follows the recommendations of our family lawyers (we’ve had two now), who try and keep him calm, reassure him that they are doing what is expected while opening their palms to collect our money the NEXT time she acts out.  I firmly believe they want her to continue because it means more work and billing for them.

Yes she is facing the wrong adversary because you can bet her sorry little ass would be pinned to the wall so fast, she’d likely have seen it whip past her face on the way up.  Put me in the ring with this skank-assed piece of shit, and we’d see how fast her behaviour would stop.  I will NOT STAND for this in my life for another minute.  I’ve had enough.  I am tired.  I want out.  I need to be done.  I can’t handle another day.  I want it to stop.  Now.  It is not the way I want to live.  I did not invite this whore into our lives.  I didn’t bargain for a life where I would do the final bedtime check on my children at night, see them soundly sleeping in their beds, and silently tell them that I am sorry…sorry for not being able to be the mom I want to be, for not providing the family atmosphere I want to provide, the untainted family life I want them to know.   I don’t want to be that mom who has to escape to the closet for a good cry, or who snaps at them out of frustration because my very last nerve is spent dealing with this lunatic and I have nothing left for them.  They deserve better.  I deserve better.  I want to be better, but I don’t know how to get there.

All I know is that I can’t handle another 22 years of doling out a cheque to a woman who is grinning ear to ear at the windfall she’s collecting, earning more in child support monthly than she ever did at her job.  Smiling because she knows she is having an impact, and smiling because she feels she has won.  At the end of this child support term, we will have given her almost $1.000,000…..yes that is ONE MILLION DOLLARS.  That is money that MY children should have access to, that should be going to enrich OUR LIVES, NOT HERS.  I can’t live this reality for 22 more years…and then the possibility that this child may want a relationship with my husband beyond that.  This could be a lifetime burden that I carry.   I would rather have a disease because then I could pray that it would take me quickly and painlessly instead of like this – piece by piece.

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