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I wanted to let all of my readers know that I have just started a page on Facebook devoted to this blog, and this journey. If you are on Facebook, I would like to invite you to like my page which is entitled “Rescuing My Marriage”.

You will notice when you search for that page, that two pages of the same name come up. That’s because I had started one, and then realized that I hadn’t used appropriate capital letters in my title, and attempted to start over, not realizing it would have created the first one if I hadn’t completed before step process. Nonetheless, one of them has followers, the other one has none, and you will obviously want to Like the page that has existing followers.

The page is currently blank, Avitts I have not added any content yet, but will be using the page to advertise new blog posts, to share quotes and words of comfort, to share cartoons which appropriately mock women who choose to engage in this horrid lifestyle.

Please join me on this page, and I look forward to interacting with you there also.

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Perplexed


The self-absorbed righteous mistress thinks it is all about her

 

 

I am perplexed. I am the kind of person who marvels in figuring things out. OK so maybe I don’t really want to know the inner workings of the remote control, or how the thermostat regulates the temperature in the house (I actually know all about the coiled bi-metallic anode), but I love making sense of chaos and finding a reason for why things are the way that they are, especially as it relates to human behaviour. It is for this reason that I first sought a psychology degree in my undergraduate training, and later a masters in psychotherapy. I like knowing what makes people tick. Over the years, learning myself better, I think the reason I was so attracted to knowing what guides human behaviour was my need to predict my environment and feel safe in it. I reason that if I knew what would cause a person to do a certain thing, I could better anticipate it, and not be caught off guard. Regardless, I just enjoy putting people together, like a puzzle, and figuring them out.

The mistress stumps me. You know, as I type those words each time, I don’t even like applying that term to her. The word almost looks regal on screen. The sound of the letters when placed together in a word come off my tongue almost sounding classy, when this woman is the farthest thing from a class act. I guess that is why I prefer to call her the skank, the whore, the cum-dumpster, trailer trash, the slut, the bitch, or as one lovely reader, and fellow blogger likes to call her, the “side pork”. Yup, I still love that one.

 

I can’t figure out what would make a person feel so entitled. I posted a while back on “entitlement”, and reflect often on how this poor excuse for a human being feels so entitled, despite neon signs flashing all around her which tell her the opposite. Can someone be so self-absorbed with such a warped sense of self-importance that they simply don’t think that the rules apply to them? Can someone be so delusional as to think that they are far better than anyone else, and that the rules that apply to most people, are not valid where they are concerned? The latter, of course, is actually a mental illness, and my husband and I (and our various solicitors) are convinced that she is not mentally all there, so maybe that explains it.

Looking back at the story in summary:

We find a woman who meets a married man, decides she likes him, learns he is married, and pursues him anyway. She would probably disagree that she pursued him, and make herself the victim, like he pursued her, but seriously….regardless of how it went down, or who initiated what, at some point, she decided that flirting with, kissing, and sleeping with a married man was something she was OK with, and she went ahead with her behaviour with full knowledge of his marital status, so it doesn’t really matter who pursued who, she wasn’t a victim in all of this as she would claim, she was a 50% responsible co-conspirator with my husband. She felt ENTITLED to him.

She makes the relationship ‘seem’ attractive and fun by stating that she only wants casual sex (these details by the way are found throughout her emails and text messages where she writes literally this), that she is sex-crazy and needs to have sex 4-5 times PER DAY and never feels satisfied. She advertises herself as sexually liberal and interested only in the casual nature of the sex, with no strings attached, and despite saying that she too is involved with someone, she puts forth an ‘escape clause’ that says that either one of them can put an end to the relationship at any time, no questions asked. She hoped my husband wouldn’t read the small print (his penis doesn’t have such good eyesight to read the small little print at the bottom of the page, and is easily distractible), which states that only she can use the escape clause for her own benefit, and that if he attempts to use it, he will be stalked, terrorized, harassed, threatened and his life made utterly miserable – sign on the dotted line. Something smells fishy….that is just too perfect a scenario for a woman to put forth…and so rare. Too bad my husband didn’t follow the golden rule: If something seems too good to be true…it probably is.

When it was obvious that he wasn’t interested, she became pregnant and flaunted that she’d prefer to have an abortion, and would do so if he left me and his kids. He wasn’t prepared to do that. Threats escalated. Then came the ultimatum: You tell your wife this week, or I will. She felt ENTITLED to this relationship and would do whatever she could to secure it. Since she’d already shown him that she means business and would certainly follow through on that threat, he knew the gig was up. She coached him on what to say, and how to say it, and waited gleefully off-stage while he gave the final performance of his marital career, expectantly waiting to rescue him after I kicked him to the curb. Finally, she would get what she wanted. She was ENTITLED to it. But she didn’t read me, as well as I read her, and was side-swiped with the news that he wasn’t leaving, and I wasn’t kicking him out. So the shit hits the fan.

From that moment on, the ENTITLEMENT festered and grew like a cancer, spreading like wildfire, and taking over any sensible, rational part of her brain. She decides to have her baby out of spite, knowing full well that she would be raising this child alone, and that my husband would never see the child. He’d made that very clear to her when she was deciding what to do, and wanted her to make her choice with FULL KNOWLEDGE of how it would look. This wasn’t a surprise, this was her CHOICE. He had no say in whether his child was brought into the world. She alone was going to decide that a child would be born to a fatherless home, with a mentally unstable mother, and would cost the father close to one million dollars in child support over the next 22 years. Yup, you heard me right. TWENTY-TWO YEARS. Sounds like a prison sentence doesn’t it? It feels like one. Funny how TWO people can make a CHOICE to sleep together, TWO people can decide to engage in something illicit, TWO people can conspire to keep it a secret, but ONE person can decide on behalf of BOTH of them whether a child should be born of their union, and that the other person will pay for 95% of it. Somehow that loses its fairness. At that point, what was consensual to BOTH is now decided by ONE, and guided by spite, revenge, and anger. Out of anger for not having “won the prize” when I decided to keep my husband, she decides to birth a child, stating that she looked forward to ruining us financially and having us pay for it (yes, she actually said that), and then goes on a revenge rampage, emailing everyone she can think of that is connected to my husband to tell them about the affair. She felt ENTITLED to let them know, claiming that it was her ‘responsibility’. Not only did she email work colleagues and co-workers, she contacted executive staff who manage over my husband, who have the ability to see him out of his career. When that wasn’t tasty enough, she decided she would also try to ruin us socially, and revealed the affair to friends via email, and then lastly to my parents and brother, so that I could feel a little of the humiliation as well. She felt ENTITLED to share it, it was almost, as she’d put it, her responsibility to let them all know, and cloaked it as a desire to want to inform them all so that they could ‘help me’ emotionally through the pain it would surely cause. When her actions threatened my husband’s reputation among his peers and colleagues, her employment with him was terminated. It was felt that she could no longer work in that environment, was a threat to the organization and to the principal of the company, and was let go. Despite being given 3X the severance pay that she was entitled to, along with a letter of reference, she decided to launch a wrongful dismissal suit because she felt ENTITLED to damages. She claimed emotional distress and psychological torment at having lost her job, and claimed that she was let go because she was pregnant. She obtained a free lawyer who would work for her for free for the next two years, trying to help her collect on damages. She had him convinced that my husband had raped and tormented her, and that he’d impregnated her and then hung her out to dry. He bought into it hook, line, and sinker. Any rational person hearing the story objectively, would have felt some compassion for me, the innocent party, during these proceedings, but her bottom-feeding lawyer looked at me with disgust, and refused to shake my hand when I offered it at our first meeting. Doesn’t surprise me that someone lacking any class would select a lawyer equally un-schooled in the art of human relations. She launched in tandem a complaint with the Human Rights Tribunal, hoping to collect some additional money. She felt ENTITLED to as much money as possible to offset her ‘suffering. When the time came to settle the custody and child support issues (separate legal team, separate court documents), she was encouraged to settle those before the custody would be considered. She wanted the custody settled so that her payments would be court ordered and enforceable, because she felt ENTITLED to obtain as much money from his as possible. She ended up receiving a considerable sum in settlement pay in order to drop her two false claims (she wasn’t wrongfully dismissed, and she wasn’t discriminated against (human rights) for having been pregnant. Both claims were dropped, and she walked away with her pockets filled, never having paid her lawyer a red cent. He would end up being paid from this sum. It had been the plan all along: launch as many claims as you can against him, it will end up being settled, and at the very least, we will walk away financially advantaged. Nice ploy.

 

Outside of the child support payments exist extraneous payments which are required to be paid in addition Things like prescriptions, ballet classes, music classes, school fees, team enrolment, mommy&baby classes, etc. That isn’t split 50/50, it is proportionate to income, and because she doesn’t work, we pay 95%, so when a prescription had to be filled for her daughter for $29, she sent the bill to our lawyer for $27. Yup, she pays $2, and we pay $27. I couldn’t believe, given the enormous amount she makes in child support payments, that she was scraping the bottom of the barrel and scrounging for $27….I was kind of embarrassed for her, but she felt ENTITLED. She unilaterally decided to place her child into daycare, with no regard to what the cost was. She chose one of the highest priced daycares in the area. Why? Cause she doesn’t pay for it, we do. Her 5% portion is laughable. She felt ENTITLED to spend our money how she saw fit. Why not? Free money, mandated by the laws which have been put into place to protect babies of deadbeat dads. When she decided that she wanted to get her daughter immunized against Hepatitis B (not covered by health insurance), we questioned why she would need/want to immunize her against something like this at such a young age, especially if she isn’t exposed…unless she was going on a trip? A few weeks later, a request comes for my husband to sign her passport application. She is reminded that she has complete custody, and his signature or permission for her to travel is not needed. A passport? A hepatitis B vaccination? Sounds like someone is going on a vacation!! Mexico maybe? Funny, she can’t scrape two cents together, and hasn’t been able to EVER afford a vacation…until now, when her child support payments which are far greater than what is actually NEEDED to support her child allow her to squirrel a little away at a time for her child. Looks like she went to Mexico (or some other disease infested area requiring advanced vaccination), on our dollar. Why not? She is ENTITLED to a vacation on us, right?

So here we are, two years later. The false lawsuits have been dropped and closed. She has legally released my husband from all claims relating to her employment. She gets a monthly cheque for her child support, post-dated cheques given yearly so they are never late, and daycare payments made directly to the daycare so that she can turf her kid and have some ‘mommy time’. She is ENTITLED to that though, cause she works so hard as a single mother (and I don’t doubt that she does, I am sure it is BRUTALLY hard, and I wouldn’t change places with her but let’s not forget that this was her CHOICE). She sits on the brink of a job offer, having submitted a job application that she obvious wants desperately (I guess she needs to get out of the house, 100% childcare is exhausting!! He warned her that it would be….we’ve been there…done that…she didn’t listen), and she is worried that he won’t give her a good reference. Although she has a reference letter, her fear is that someone will call him, and she can’t monitor or control what he says. She is worried that karma is going to exact a toll on her, and do to her what she has been doing to him for two years: slandering a reputation and compromising a career. Out of her fear, she has decided to launch several lies and threatens to make them public (read the post before this one called “I am mentally unstable….” if she doesn’t get what she wants. Can someone tell me why she should get what she wants, after all that she has done? Because she feels ENTITLED, that’s why.

In my attempt to decode this person’s behaviour, I am left perplexed. How can someone exact such vengeful behaviours, launch a tirade of hurtful actions, compromise my husband’s reputation and career, stalk me online, harass me with false police allegations against me, demand payments for things that she unilaterally selects, and then feel entitled to a glowing recommendation? Seriously? Is she missing a chromosome responsible for rationality? Is she really just this stupid? Or is she just ballsy, thinking that if she casts a wide enough net, she is likely to reel SOMETHING back, and she just doesn’t care how it makes her look? Wow. I just don’t get it. I feel embarrassed for her. This is just one person I can’t figure out…and it’s not because she is too complex…she just escapes the definition of ‘normal’.

She won’t be getting a reference letter. My husband has no desire to compromise her career. He is above all of that. He would rather see her working, and supporting her child, than leeching off of us every month. He would rather see her time and brain power put towards a job, instead of left free to concoct more damage against us. He wants her to move on. He wants her to find a man. He wants her to divert her attention off of us, and to just move on with her life. He pays a cheque monthly to assist her with that. Hopefully it is just a matter of time before she ‘gets it’ that it is time to let go, and to move forward.

The view from here


I have to admit it.  I haven’t been feeling well lately.  It’s funny, because I don’t expect things to be linear and to always move forward with never a setback, but I also didn’t expect to still feel so sad and helpless two years later.

 

The anniversary of D day, or “disclosure day” goes in the infidelity circles, passed last week.  This year, unlike last year, I tried not to make a big deal out of it, and didn’t even mention it.  Last year, I celebrated by starting this blog. OK, so ‘celebrated’ isn’t really the appropriate word, but it is what I did to help vent the feelings that arose when the anniversary date came up.

This year I sat by a pool in the sun in the Bahamas, surrounded by my husband and my three oblivious children, thinking about how the last time I saw palm trees, it was the last day of my vacation in Malibu – 2 days before he disclosed the affair.  I thought about how we hadn’t been on true ‘vacation’ in a warm tropical place since that time.  I thought about her, them, and us.  As much as I’d hoped last year that this year I would be able to get through the time without giving it any thought, it didn’t happen.  It’s too soon.

Lately, now that the whore has left us alone from the legal battling being over (she got her $28K settlement for a false lawsuit she created that we had to settle in order to get the custody/support crap ironed out), things have been kind of quiet.  When things get too quiet, I start to get edgy.  What is she going to pull next?  How am I going to find myself surprised this time?  Will it be another false report to the police about me?   Will it be my tires slashed again?  (that was last month, I didn’t blog about it, but we have our suspicions), Will she up the ante and do something I can’t even imagine right now?   It is a function of the PTSD I struggle with, always on alert, never able to completely relax and rest and just BE. I am like the car accident victim who won’t get in the car, the earthquake victim who fears a sudden shaking….it ISN’T a way to live, and it isn’t the way I want to live, but it is my reality, for now.

So if things have settled from the legal side…why do I feel so crappy?

I think I just feel a massive sense of unfairness and betrayal.  In all this, I am the only one of the three of us who has lost.  She gained a child who is paid for financially for life when she would otherwise not have had children.  She gained 28K in settlement money by creating false claims and then having them settled out of court.  She makes more in child support than she ever did in her profession, meaning she could simply no longer work and be fine, all on our dollar.  She didn’t even have to pay her lawyer for 2 years of representation.  My husband won in that he was able to have his cake, eat it too, and maintain his wife and family.  Sure, he has to pay for it financially, but given the other cost of losing everything in his family, I think he prefers to pay out monetarily.  Me, what did I gain?  Before anyone says “you got your husband back….he didn’t leave you”, I am not sure that is much of a win when what I have always wanted was a husband who cares for me 100%, who I can rely on 100%, who is trustworthy, honest, caring and compassionate, who I can give myself over to completely.  Yes, I have my husband, but I have a man who cheated on me. I have a man who is eternally sorry, and whose presence is a reminder daily of his infidelity.  I have a man who pays a monthly support check to someone else to support a child he had with her while not thinking about me.  What exactly is the win there?   I am the one who has lost, and I didn’t even get the little benefit of the fling, just a bunch of lying and betrayal.

If I sound sour again, it is because I am.  I oscillate between being OK and not being OK.  I think that is part and parcel of what happens when women choose to stay and work on the marriage.  Instead of just saying goodbye and putting it behind you, you force yourself to stare it in the face every day, to see the demons face to face from waking to sleeping.  Something as simple as watching him put on his shoes….I am reminded.  When does it stop?  How?

I was walking with a neighbour today, and while we were out, the topic of infidelity came up as we both discussed how we’d watched “The Descendants” on our respective March Break trips.  We talked about how in the movie, although his friends knew his wife was cheating, no one told him.  We had a heart to heart about what we would want if one of us knew that the others husband was being unfaithful.  I told her that I would want to know.  She told me that it would be none of my business to tell her and that it would cause a rift between us.  I was frankly very surprised about her reaction, assuming that all women would want to know, and wouldn’t shoot the messenger when the messenger;s intent was simply to make you aware of an injustice being done to you.  As we talked, she talked about her friends, and how infidelity has touched some of them, and then told me that if that ever happened to her, he would be kicked out immediately.  It wasn’t even a question.  Now, if I have learned ANYTHING this year, it is that what people THINK they would do, and what they ACTUALLY do when put into the situation can be very different.  Most women who stay, never thought they would.  Some who thought they would, realize that they just can’t.  It is interesting indeed.

The interesting part of this walk was the fact that she is unaware of our situation.  We moved in next door, 5 months after D day.  They’ve only ever known us as we are now, not before, and we’ve not said a thing.  She reflected on how she would feel, and basically said something to the effect of “I wouldn’t bother staying, life is too short to be living in a state of constant reminders about the affair, the lies, the betrayal, and I am worth more than that.  He would have to leave and get an apartment, immediately.  Stay for the kids, absolutely not.  The kids are better off with parents happily separated than parents who are together but miserable, and what will they learn from it?  They will learn that cheating is OK, that they will be taken back, and that affairs don’t hurt marriages.  I’d be doing them a FAVOR for leaving him, not by staying.  She made my heart heavy, and bless her, she had no idea.

It does give me great pause.  Will I feel this way forever?  Will I ever have my life back?

Sitting in buy family room is an album of professional images captured days before the affair was divulged.  We were vacationing in Malibu and I asked a photographer to capture our family.  From the images, a stunning album was created with one of our images gracing the cover.   The other day as I turned off the TV, I saw it resting there.  I looked at it, drew it closer, and started to cry.  In that image is the last time that woman (me) was truly happy.   I looked at myself and wanted so badly to jump into that picture and to feel the blissful ignorance of not knowing.  To feel my family complete and happy, and sure it was a lie, but it was comfortable, and safe, and secure.  It was all I had wanted.  I cried at the thought that the woman there doesn’t exist anymore, and in her place stands a woman who lives under a dark cloud, constantly in fear of it happening again, or of the whore bitch creating yet another scheme to hurt us.

I hurt at the fact that this woman, knowing that my husband was married, chose to get involved, knowing that if the same were happening to her, she would be crushed, and yet she continued.  I hurt at the fact that she hates me for no reason, and has created in her mind a false idea of me, and that her hatred for me drives her to constantly attempt to bring more hurt to me.  How much hurt can one person dish to another and feel justified in doing so?   I don’t understand.  I have never felt such hatred for another person.

In the last couple of months, I have literally been consumed with hatred for her, and a desire to want to punish her, to seek revenge.  It is seriously taking over every waking moment of my day.  I can’t work as effectively as I should be, I can’t concentrate.  I want her to suffer. I want to see her feel the pain that I have and am feeling.  I envision her waking up every morning to her little girl, taking her off to daycare which WE pay 92% of so that she can go off to school and get a degree she doesn’t even need.  She leaves her kid in daycare and we have to pay for it. She gets a sitter, and we have to pay for it.  She gets $4K a month and according to her bank statements provided to calculate the shared proportion of expenses, she shops at second hand stores for her child.  This child is getting $4K per month….why does she not get new clothes and toys?  Because mommy apparently is also going to the hair salon, and buying herself clothes.  She is using our money for herself, I am sure of it, taking advantage of how the law favors her in these situations.  Completely unfair.  1 year olds don’t cost $4k per month, and yet when she chose to immunize her child last month, she had the audacity to ask us to cover the $100 charge….cause there is nothing left of her little monthly gift to cover this?  Makes me sick.   She is getting such a free fucking ride.

I don’t know where this post is going…it is more of a stream of consciousness than anything well planned out.  It is just a glimpse of the view from here.  It was 2 years on March 18th…and I am still wallowing in shit.

 

Sometimes in this big lonely sea, you find another person bobbing along like you…


A commenter posted on the blog yesterday who has been through what I am going through.  Yes, many people have been through affairs, or one night stands, or even years of cheating.  Wendy, however, had the commonality of another child having been born of the affair.  I was intrigued.  I want to know how she handles it, how she accepted and welcomed the child into their lives and home, and how four years later she is working through things.  I wanted to link you to her page, so that you can follow her too 😉

http://www.chattychicky.com/

 

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