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Free tele seminar tonight on healing the betrayed spouse


If you have just found out that your partner had an affair, welcome to the club.  It is the club that no one wants a membership in, and one in which many of us have been thrust, unprepared.

There has been no greater pain in my life than the discovery of my husband’s affair.  I’ve since lost my mother, and the pain of that didn’t even touch the pain that was caused by the humiliation and betrayal exacted on me by someone who professed to love me so deeply.  I can close my eyes, and go right back to what that felt like.  Some days, I still feel it.  I don’t think that will ever go away.

For those of you who struggle with how to move on, whether to move on, how to heal, and what your spouse’s role is, I invite you to attend this free tele seminar, offered by Anne and Brian Bercht, the former is the author of “My husband’s affair became the best thing that happened to me”.   From their site:

COMPLIMENTARY TELESEMINAR: TUESDAY, AUGUST 7, 2012

Topic: How to Take Your Life Back after you’ve been betrayed
Date: TUESDAY, AUGUST 7, 2012
Time: 6:30 PM PACIFIC/ 8:30 PM CENTRAL/ 9:30 PM EASTERN
Dial: 1-626-677-3000
Access Code: 688685#
Hosts: Passionate Life Coaches Guy & Tammie

Guy & Tammie will also be discussing how the unfaithful spouse,
if pursuing reconciliation, can help the betrayed spouse heal.
They will discuss dealing with low self-esteem, blame, shame,
obsessing about the past and how to really learn from the pain and
have the best life you can…what does that journey look like and
is it even possible.

To listen to the tele seminar all you have to do is call the number
listed above at the scheduled time, and enter the access code
provided when prompted. You can choose to sit back and just listen,
or you can ask a question when the opportunity is presented. You
can remain anonymous by using a first name and your state only …
and we don’t care if you make it up, it’s just nice to have a
way to identify you if you do choose to speak during the seminar.

If you can make the time, these teleseminars are a great place to realize that you aren’t alone.  They give you ideas to start out, and even if you are well on your journey, I just find the company of others in the same boat comforting.

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The view from here


I have to admit it.  I haven’t been feeling well lately.  It’s funny, because I don’t expect things to be linear and to always move forward with never a setback, but I also didn’t expect to still feel so sad and helpless two years later.

 

The anniversary of D day, or “disclosure day” goes in the infidelity circles, passed last week.  This year, unlike last year, I tried not to make a big deal out of it, and didn’t even mention it.  Last year, I celebrated by starting this blog. OK, so ‘celebrated’ isn’t really the appropriate word, but it is what I did to help vent the feelings that arose when the anniversary date came up.

This year I sat by a pool in the sun in the Bahamas, surrounded by my husband and my three oblivious children, thinking about how the last time I saw palm trees, it was the last day of my vacation in Malibu – 2 days before he disclosed the affair.  I thought about how we hadn’t been on true ‘vacation’ in a warm tropical place since that time.  I thought about her, them, and us.  As much as I’d hoped last year that this year I would be able to get through the time without giving it any thought, it didn’t happen.  It’s too soon.

Lately, now that the whore has left us alone from the legal battling being over (she got her $28K settlement for a false lawsuit she created that we had to settle in order to get the custody/support crap ironed out), things have been kind of quiet.  When things get too quiet, I start to get edgy.  What is she going to pull next?  How am I going to find myself surprised this time?  Will it be another false report to the police about me?   Will it be my tires slashed again?  (that was last month, I didn’t blog about it, but we have our suspicions), Will she up the ante and do something I can’t even imagine right now?   It is a function of the PTSD I struggle with, always on alert, never able to completely relax and rest and just BE. I am like the car accident victim who won’t get in the car, the earthquake victim who fears a sudden shaking….it ISN’T a way to live, and it isn’t the way I want to live, but it is my reality, for now.

So if things have settled from the legal side…why do I feel so crappy?

I think I just feel a massive sense of unfairness and betrayal.  In all this, I am the only one of the three of us who has lost.  She gained a child who is paid for financially for life when she would otherwise not have had children.  She gained 28K in settlement money by creating false claims and then having them settled out of court.  She makes more in child support than she ever did in her profession, meaning she could simply no longer work and be fine, all on our dollar.  She didn’t even have to pay her lawyer for 2 years of representation.  My husband won in that he was able to have his cake, eat it too, and maintain his wife and family.  Sure, he has to pay for it financially, but given the other cost of losing everything in his family, I think he prefers to pay out monetarily.  Me, what did I gain?  Before anyone says “you got your husband back….he didn’t leave you”, I am not sure that is much of a win when what I have always wanted was a husband who cares for me 100%, who I can rely on 100%, who is trustworthy, honest, caring and compassionate, who I can give myself over to completely.  Yes, I have my husband, but I have a man who cheated on me. I have a man who is eternally sorry, and whose presence is a reminder daily of his infidelity.  I have a man who pays a monthly support check to someone else to support a child he had with her while not thinking about me.  What exactly is the win there?   I am the one who has lost, and I didn’t even get the little benefit of the fling, just a bunch of lying and betrayal.

If I sound sour again, it is because I am.  I oscillate between being OK and not being OK.  I think that is part and parcel of what happens when women choose to stay and work on the marriage.  Instead of just saying goodbye and putting it behind you, you force yourself to stare it in the face every day, to see the demons face to face from waking to sleeping.  Something as simple as watching him put on his shoes….I am reminded.  When does it stop?  How?

I was walking with a neighbour today, and while we were out, the topic of infidelity came up as we both discussed how we’d watched “The Descendants” on our respective March Break trips.  We talked about how in the movie, although his friends knew his wife was cheating, no one told him.  We had a heart to heart about what we would want if one of us knew that the others husband was being unfaithful.  I told her that I would want to know.  She told me that it would be none of my business to tell her and that it would cause a rift between us.  I was frankly very surprised about her reaction, assuming that all women would want to know, and wouldn’t shoot the messenger when the messenger;s intent was simply to make you aware of an injustice being done to you.  As we talked, she talked about her friends, and how infidelity has touched some of them, and then told me that if that ever happened to her, he would be kicked out immediately.  It wasn’t even a question.  Now, if I have learned ANYTHING this year, it is that what people THINK they would do, and what they ACTUALLY do when put into the situation can be very different.  Most women who stay, never thought they would.  Some who thought they would, realize that they just can’t.  It is interesting indeed.

The interesting part of this walk was the fact that she is unaware of our situation.  We moved in next door, 5 months after D day.  They’ve only ever known us as we are now, not before, and we’ve not said a thing.  She reflected on how she would feel, and basically said something to the effect of “I wouldn’t bother staying, life is too short to be living in a state of constant reminders about the affair, the lies, the betrayal, and I am worth more than that.  He would have to leave and get an apartment, immediately.  Stay for the kids, absolutely not.  The kids are better off with parents happily separated than parents who are together but miserable, and what will they learn from it?  They will learn that cheating is OK, that they will be taken back, and that affairs don’t hurt marriages.  I’d be doing them a FAVOR for leaving him, not by staying.  She made my heart heavy, and bless her, she had no idea.

It does give me great pause.  Will I feel this way forever?  Will I ever have my life back?

Sitting in buy family room is an album of professional images captured days before the affair was divulged.  We were vacationing in Malibu and I asked a photographer to capture our family.  From the images, a stunning album was created with one of our images gracing the cover.   The other day as I turned off the TV, I saw it resting there.  I looked at it, drew it closer, and started to cry.  In that image is the last time that woman (me) was truly happy.   I looked at myself and wanted so badly to jump into that picture and to feel the blissful ignorance of not knowing.  To feel my family complete and happy, and sure it was a lie, but it was comfortable, and safe, and secure.  It was all I had wanted.  I cried at the thought that the woman there doesn’t exist anymore, and in her place stands a woman who lives under a dark cloud, constantly in fear of it happening again, or of the whore bitch creating yet another scheme to hurt us.

I hurt at the fact that this woman, knowing that my husband was married, chose to get involved, knowing that if the same were happening to her, she would be crushed, and yet she continued.  I hurt at the fact that she hates me for no reason, and has created in her mind a false idea of me, and that her hatred for me drives her to constantly attempt to bring more hurt to me.  How much hurt can one person dish to another and feel justified in doing so?   I don’t understand.  I have never felt such hatred for another person.

In the last couple of months, I have literally been consumed with hatred for her, and a desire to want to punish her, to seek revenge.  It is seriously taking over every waking moment of my day.  I can’t work as effectively as I should be, I can’t concentrate.  I want her to suffer. I want to see her feel the pain that I have and am feeling.  I envision her waking up every morning to her little girl, taking her off to daycare which WE pay 92% of so that she can go off to school and get a degree she doesn’t even need.  She leaves her kid in daycare and we have to pay for it. She gets a sitter, and we have to pay for it.  She gets $4K a month and according to her bank statements provided to calculate the shared proportion of expenses, she shops at second hand stores for her child.  This child is getting $4K per month….why does she not get new clothes and toys?  Because mommy apparently is also going to the hair salon, and buying herself clothes.  She is using our money for herself, I am sure of it, taking advantage of how the law favors her in these situations.  Completely unfair.  1 year olds don’t cost $4k per month, and yet when she chose to immunize her child last month, she had the audacity to ask us to cover the $100 charge….cause there is nothing left of her little monthly gift to cover this?  Makes me sick.   She is getting such a free fucking ride.

I don’t know where this post is going…it is more of a stream of consciousness than anything well planned out.  It is just a glimpse of the view from here.  It was 2 years on March 18th…and I am still wallowing in shit.

 

Reclaiming my bliss


I’ve been on a torturous journey these last few years.  The ups and downs of this process have seriously at times felt as though I was on a roller coaster with no end in sight, and sometimes feeling barely strapped in.  Waking up one day in fear, another day in doubt, a third in reserved happiness, only for the cycle to repeat itself again and again, with no pattern, and no seeming reason for one reaction over another.

They say that children learn through repetition.  Having the same stimuli over and over again allows their brains to synthesize the information, process it, completely massage and engulf it, and then spit it out with a complete understanding of it.  I think the same applied to me with the details of the affair, the needing to know all of the gory details, the whys, the whens, the hows.  The whys were the most important.  I would often be asked by friends who were struggling to understand “why would you expose yourself to that?” when they’d learned that I’d read her emails over again, or revisited some of the text messages from the days around the disclosure.  I needed to.  I needed to re-read the details again, with a new set of eyes, and a new perspective to allow myself to FEEL the shift.  The ability to say “the last time I read this, I was trembling in fear.  I was hopeless.  I felt alone and beaten down.  Today, I read it again and I don’t feel that way.”  It was, I suppose, a way of establishing a barometer for how far I’d come.  Without these exercises of reliving, I had no way to objectively measure my progress.  I needed to know that I was moving forward, and not just because I wanted to THINK I was….but I wanted to KNOW that I was.  My feelings in the moment became my roadmap, and the shift in my feelings was showing me that my place on the map was moving.

The last few months have been very hard on me.  My mother passed away in October after a long struggle with an illness.  As I had mentioned in an earlier post, how my mother was ill, and how the mistress’ email to my mother disclosing the affair and the baby hit her quite hard.  The emotional torment she endured over the next while, I won’t ever truly understand.  My mother was very private about her struggles – stoic really.  Where she tried to hide that she was suffering, we all knew.  Her detachment from my husband, her reservations about visiting our home, finding excuses for it to just be me and the kids.  We knew she was angry at him…she could just never say it.  To say it would have made her “insensitive” in her mind….so she stayed quiet and stewed.  Within weeks of the disclosure, her health started to rapidly decline, like a runaway vehicle gains speed on a downward slope.  Every visit represented a marked change in her appearance, her function, her abilities.  She was now dying in front of our eyes, and there was no way to stop it.  Every day since the disclosure to her by email, I’ve regretted her knowing.  Would she still be with us if she hadn’t experienced this pain and trauma along with us?  Would we still have a few good years? months?  No one will ever know.  All I know is that she is gone, and I won’t ever get her back.

With the death of my mother, the grief it raised, the ongoing battles with the mistress’ harassment, and the strength I needed to muster in order to simply function (I had a birthday party booked for the morning after she died that I had to carry on with and put on a happy face), I really didn’t think that a human being should have to experience this much suffering all at the same time.

In August 2011, I received a phone call from the Police.  They called to inform me that the mistress had called them to file a formal complaint against me for harassment.  “Wait…”, I thought.  “How can I be charged with harassment when I am the injured party?”.  None of it made sense.  She has somehow discovered where we live, despite having moved.  She harasses me online by stalking my twitter account to see what I/we are up to.  She creates formal yet baseless (non factual and non-evidence bearing) complaints to my husband’s workplace insisting that he be fired.  Her lawyer sends ridiculous emails asking me to stop preying upon this poor single mother.  I have never once sent any communication to her, or done ANYTHING remotely harassing in nature.  I am not doing ANYTHING to invite further exchange.  It seems, however, that she wants a relationship with us and a window into our lives, and so she makes ludicrous statements in order to maintain dialogue with us, no matter how perverse.

For those who haven’t followed from the beginning, and who aren’t aware of the multiple claims she is making against us legally, she is firstly claiming that she was wrongfully dismissed from her workplace because she became pregnant, even though he informed her quite clearly that she was being fired for her malicious behavior, and not due to her being pregnant.  She sees dollars signs in this claim, and so she is fighting tooth and nail to have someone believe that she was wronged, and that *I* somehow in my anger towards her, convinced my husband to fire her.  Please.  I wish she would for once take some responsibility for her actions, and realize that she messed up.  She crossed the line.  She took it too far and allowed the personal relationship to destroy the professional one.  She was fired with cause, and if anyone finds otherwise in this claim, I will lose all faith in the legal system.

Before any case goes to trial, each side has the opportunity to present their evidence to the “other side” and to be questioned by the opposing sides’s lawyer.  It is called an examination for discovery and typically lasts several hours, with each side having their chance to share their perspective, and provide proof for their claim.  For us, that day just came yesterday.  While I would not be allowed into the discovery for her or for my husband, there was no doubt in my mind that I was going to be present.  In support of my husband, and to reclaim my power, I went.  What I witnessed was shocking.  This woman who has tormented us the past 2 years.  This woman who yelled at me over the phone and ridiculed me in the wake of my discovery of the relationship.  This woman who has signed off on almost every email with a reminder of how amazing and awesome she is – she was anything BUT awesome.  I don’t know why, but with all that has gone on, I suppose I had built up a picture of her in my mind that depicted strength, malice, conviction, confidence, ruthless. What I saw yesterday was anything but those things.  What I saw was a scared little girl, intimidated by process, crying her eyes out at the line of questions that was coming her way.  I saw a woman, poorly dressed (albeit I think she tried, that was just her best), with stringy, greasy hair dangling in her face, shoulder shrugged, looking beaten down by life.  If I didn’t know better, I might think she was mentally ill and suffering with a psychotic episode.  She walked past us, our appointments overlapping, and made her way into the hallway.  I couldn’t help but notice how heavy set she is.  This same woman who has balked about her great physique, her prowess as a runner, her ‘tight’ fit body….it looks like things have changed.  Having a baby will do that to you I guess.  What I saw was a shrinking violet, and it was the most empowering, strength-inducing thing I could ever have hoped to see.  What followed only confirmed our perceptions when our counsel told us what a mess she had been. Inconsistent in her answers, unable to maintain decorum, breaking into tears like an out of control train wreck.  What was supposed to take 2 hours, took more than three due to the frequent breaks needed to allow her to calm down in between questions.  She was, at the very heart of the matter, the drama queen she has always been, looking to invoke pity for herself, and cast herself as the victim.  It was pathetic, and I felt sorry for her in so many ways.  I realized in that moment, that I have won.  What seemed like a big intimidating force turned out to be a small, needy, scared little girl.  In the way that a small person’s shadow can appear long and tall with the right backlight, once the light was removed and she was seen for who she really is, she was pitiful.

My husband then had the opportunity to be questioned by the opposing side.  Two hours of questions which were supposed to pertain to her employment became tangential when her counsel started asking ridiculous questions like “how many times did you have sex at work?”.  The funniest part of that was that my husband was unable to recall.  It has been too long, and he is a man for whom those small details are not worth holding on to.  He has long forgotten how often they were together.  I’d like to think that it was because the sex just wasn’t that memorable 😉

So now, as we embark on the next leg of this journey, the establishment of a family law contract around the custody and child support for this child, and following that, a defamation suit brought against her by us for her latest malicious and false statements made in an attempt to cost him his job. As we prepare for the next chapter of this journey, we are comforted by the knowledge that we are as close as we have ever been, and that the witnessing of this debacle yesterday shows us that what we are facing is not to be feared.  We stand stronger together, and together we will be.

Holes in the legal safety net


With the recent relaunching of the employment claim that my husband wrongfully dismissed his mistress for becoming pregnant by him, we are facing the prospect of having to, for the first time in over a year, see this woman face to face.   The two lawyers will sit face to face with their clients at their sides, and present evidence for their respective sides.  This process, is called a “discovery”, and prospectively will cost us upwards of $25K to defend ourselves.  It needs to be said that she was NOT wrongfully dismissed.  In fact, my husband had contemplated firing her on many occasions, and even hired a lawyer 3-4 months before her child was conceived to draft up an iron-clad employment contract that would protect him.  He told this lawyer that she is crazy, and she has made notes of this.  She has, thankfully, agreed to be a witness for us, and state that he had retained her months earlier to discuss terminating this employee.  That alone, you would think, would be enough to show that she wasn’t fired on a whim, that she wasn’t fired because I told him to fire her, that she wasn’t fired for emotional revenge, and she wasn’t fired because she was pregnant and discriminated against.   She was fired for breaching office confidentiality, and for threatening to use all of the emails of work colleagues to disseminate the news of the affair to my husband’s colleagues.  She was fired with cause, and there is nothing else to it.

The problem is, that it will cost us a lot of money to defend this action, so we have a choice:

  • Pay upwards of $25K to defend ourselves, and if we win, she will have to pay 50-70% of our court costs as the losing side. If we lose, we pay our court costs, 50-70% of hers and a calculated value owing to her for damages.
  • Pay her a settlement fee to have her remove the claim altogether, which would be less than the $25K in court costs
How can our legal system allow for someone to harass and bring ridiculous actions against us, and then rape and pillage us for excessive court fees in defending ourselves?   If we don’t want to defend ourselves at this rate, we simply settle and pay her a lesser fee.  Why is she entitled to anything?  Why should she be able to concoct in her mind a ridiculous scenario that never happened, and then get paid off to be quiet?  Why should she be rewarded for being such a pain in the ass?  Why does this behaviour get rewarded?
It feels like we lose either way, and why should we?  We didn’t DO anything. It is grossly unfair.
Must be nice to have a lawyer who works for free so that you can make up all sorts of ridiculous claims and have the charges covered for you.  Let the other person rack up tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees and then just sit back and smile.  Well, at least I am not raising a baby by myself, and at least I have a husband who loves me and wants to work this through with me.
On a positive note, our lawyer has every confidence that if examined in discovery, that this woman would ultimately fry herself.  She is really emotional. and not terribly rational or smart.  She is explosive and doesn’t think things through.   She contradicts herself at every turn.  That alone would be worth the price of admission.  Bring the popcorn, someone is gonna get fried.

Face to face combat


The herpes outbreak is back folks.  No, I don’t have herpes, but did that get your attention?   A few posts back, I referred to the mistress as “herpes”, because like the actual disease, she seems to crop up every now and then, and never really ever goes away.  Somewhere under the surface, she is always lurking, waiting to strike out and wreak havoc.  Well, she is at it again.

Long story short for those just tuning in:

Mistress works with my husband. They both leave this job and she starts working for him.  They are embroiled in an affair and she gets pregnant.  He had tried to get out of the relationship many times, but things got weird when she started asking for sex at work, and when denied she would go nuts texting him all night and threatening to tell me, to call the police and scream rape, etc.  She was, essentially, emotionally forcing my husband to have sex with her, even when he didn’t want to, in order to draw him into a relationship.  Yes, there were times when he actually wanted to be with her, but many times that he didn’t, and in the last 7 months of a 10 month affair, he no longer wanted it, and her threats manipulated him into carrying on with a relationship he no longer wanted, but maintained out of fear for losing his family and career. She launched an employment claim, stating she was wrongfully dismissed for being pregnant, and also launches a paternity claim with a family lawyer seeking child support.  There, you are up to speed.

With the most recent launch of her new Human Rights claim that she was sexually harassed (hey wait, wasn’t HE the one who was sexually harassed??), and that he abused his power and forced her to have sex with him (anyone who knows my husband knows he can hardly force a fly outside), we have had to resurrect the employment side of this case.  This has meant providing additional monies to the employment lawyers who represent us in the wrongful dismissal claim.  Because the case will have to be decided, the lawyer has suggested that we set a date for “discovery”.  What this means is that both sides need to sit down in a room together with both lawyers, and share each others’ evidence to support their side.  If there is enough evidence on both sides, the case will go in front of a judge.  If she can prove she was fired for being pregnant, it will go to trial.  If, however, she has no proof that she was fired for this reason, they won’t feel the need to go to trial as it is very unlikely that she would win, and they would suggest a settlement perhaps, or that the entire claim be dropped.

My husband in a room with his ex-mistress.  This whole proposition makes me wildly uncomfortable.  I don’t want her beady little eyes eyeing him.  I don’t want her manipulative tactics, her passive-agressive nature, her wildly unpredictable overly-emotional chaos to affect him.  I don’t want him to be hurt, and I don’t want him to be uncomfortable.  I want to be there to physically stand at his side, show him my support, and work through it together, as we have been since the affair was brought to light.  I was told that I wouldn’t be allowed to be present.  I wasn’t part of the business, and had nothing to do with her employment, and besides, she would have to consent to my being there – unlikely.

**Sidenote:  When she realized that he had confessed his affair to me, and I  hadn’t kicked him out, she sent me a bunch of angry and insulting emails, telling me that he didn’t love me, that together they used to make fun of me, and that he thought I was fat, ugly, etc…  In one of her emails she told me that I ought to start working more so that I could increase my salary since I would now be supporting her baby”.  She ended that sentence with the words “Yay me”.

Throughout all of this, the one thought that brings me comfort is a fantasy that I play out in my head.  Because I wasn’t just deceived by my husband, and was also deceived by her, I have a strong core-centered desire to have her know that we are in love, we are happy. we are doing just fine, and she HAS NOT WON.  Nothing bothers her more than to think that she has had no impact.  My fantasy always involves her seeing us together, walking hand in hand, or him professing his love for me in front of her.  She sees it, she hears it, and it is irrefutable.  I know that she knows that she didn’t win – I did.  This is very important for me, because it is my redemption in all of this.

I need this.  I crave this.  I think this will allow me to move forward.  Unfortunately, it looks like I may not have that chance as I am not permitted to be present.  Regardless of whether I am actually given the opportunity to sit in the lawyer’s boardroom and observe the exchange of information, no one will stop me from sitting in the waiting room, or being right outside the door so that when they all emerge, I am the first thing she will see, and you can bet your sweet ass that I will flash my husband a winning smile, give him a supportive kiss on the mouth, take his hand and then walk off with him so she has to watch.  I may even turn around, flash her a smile, and say “Yay me”.

Stalking, Slander, and Surreptitiousness


There.  I said it.  I have a stalker.  It is my husband’s ex-mistress.  I kid you not, she actually does stalk me.  Perhaps I should be flattered that someone has taken such a long-standing interest in what I do, where I go, what my family is up to, how my business is operating, and whether there is “trouble in paradise”, but I don’t.  Frankly, I just wish she would grow up and move on.

Now, when pressed, of course, she will feign ignorance (it is part of her passive aggressive nature), and claim instead that her “friends” are checking up on me, my business, what is going on in my life, all because they “care” about her.  Now I should be frank and say that I am not sure these “friends” actually exist.  I am not saying that to be mean, it is simply a contemplative thought because as a woman, us women tend not to gravitate towards those who manipulate, coerce, guilt, tantrum, rope-in and abuse the people they have relationships with.  Wonen like that are hard to get along with.  They are hard to be at ease around.  They put you on edge, make you walk on eggshells and are generally unpleasant.  A person who responds to situations with this kind of hatred, animosity, selfishness, ignorance and entitlement can’t possible have many people around them.

Long before the affair was admitted, she was interested in me.  Perhaps it is part of the mistress agenda to get to know as much about the wife (the competition) as possible, in the same way that the betrayed wife ends up wanting to know as much about the mistress as she can.  From a tactical perspective, it certainly makes sense, but it doesn’t make it any more acceptable to me.

It started when she saved joke emails sent by my husband  which had also been sent to my family members in unison.  Therefore, their email addresses were visible, and I guess she thought they would come in handy.  She would later use these emails when she created a fake email account  in order to divulge the details of the affair to my family members.  She started watching my twitter feed to see what I was posting and what we were up to.  Were we going away on vacation, were we having a good time, were we happy?  She needed to know, and twitter was the fastest way to gain that information.  While she never formally followed me on twitter (i.e. didn’t link our accounts to get auto-updates), she would check the feed manually, and often. Via twitter she was able to learn what I was up to, my state of mind…you get the idea.

Over the course of several months, while the affair relationship was ongoing, she visited my twitter feed often, learning little details about my thoughts, feelings, whereabouts, happiness in my marriage.  She probably felt like she was spying on us virtually.  I guess it’s a good thing I don’t post everything to twitter 🙂  I had once tweeted that I found it interesting that the Tiffany’s jewelry store has a wish list which you can create and then email to your husband/boyfriend so that he knows what you like.  “How convenient!”, I thought, even though I am not a big jewelry wearer.  My husband had indicated a desire to buy me a Tiffany’s key, which had led me to the site in the first place, and my observation of there being a wish list was simply my being impressed that such a thing was possible.  During the texting marathon that she and my husband engaged in in the wake of the affair disclosure, she commented: “Oh I am sure this isn’t bother [your wife] one little bit.  All it takes is some Tiffany’s jewelry, and she is satisfied” and some further comments about how shallow I am that jewelry will make this all better.  For the record, I don’t wear a lot of jewelry.  I have worn the same diamond solitaire earrings in my ears since 2001 when my first son was born.  They were a gift from my husband on the birth of our first child.  We called them my “push present”.  I thought it was adorable.  They’ve remained in my ears ever since, and it has now been 10 years. My watch was purchased for me on my 5th wedding anniversary and is the only one I own.  My wedding band and engagement ring adorn my ring finger, and the 4th finger of my opposite hand has a family ring that my husband bought as the ‘push present’ for our last child.  I never take any of it off.  I am not one of those who rotates her jewelry, or showcases various pieces from her collection.  I am far too low maintenance to “accessorize” – just one more thing to think about, so I don’t bother.  I never have.  Her comment about me being shallow could not be further from the truth, but what can I expect from a woman who has already painted me with her brush, and who will refuse to see any information that contradicts her fixed false belief.   To do so would be a waste of my time.  If she should ever read this, perhaps this will let her know that she was horribly inaccurate.

She then visited the blog that I maintain for my business, and attempted to leave a cloaked comment about her relationship with my husband because she thought my consumers might want to “support me”.  Her comment was never published. I moderate my blog for this reason.

Two days after the affair was disclosed, my husband and I decided we needed a night out to ourselves.  We’d just been through the ringer, and really craved some alone time, a place where we could talk – uninterrupted.  I tweeted that day that we were going on a date, and she later referenced that in a text, saying “You’re going on a DATE?  What, are you using me and this situation to IMPROVE your marriage?”.  The answer to that, a resounding YES.  We had a family friend come to watch the kids, and she called our home 27 times that evening, hanging up each time she reached voicemail.  Our sitter doesn’t answer the phone, and allows each call to go to voicemail, but after the 28th attempt, she picked up the phone in order to ask “what the heck is wrong with you that you are calling here so often?”, and our sitter was then treated to a monologue detailing the affair, what a bitch I must be, and how my husband LOVES her.  Interesting take on it sweetie.

Over the next few months, she was legally prohibited from contacting us directly or via email, text messages, because we obtained legal counsel.  She was asked to cease and desist, and threatened with court action if her behaviour wasn’t amended.  Being the sneaky conniving person she is, and believing that she outsmarts other people, she tried to find other ways of accidentally conveying information she wanted us to know, and ways to harm our family.  She emailed us the ultrasound images for her baby, and mentioned that she was keeping the baby now, based on some comments she’d heard me say about how “important family is”.  Whatever.  My husband never bothered to open the email, he isn’t interested.

A few quiet months went by with several cloaked attempts to contact us.  She emailed my husband a couple of times, trying to make it appear as though he was simply on her ‘distribution list’, and that his inclusion was merely an oversight.

She would later send another email, this time directly, telling him that she thought she was in the hospital for early labour and was going to put into effect protective orders for her and her baby into place, preventing him from accessing them, and protecting the baby from “his abuse”.   Along with our lawyer, we all got some pretty intense belly-aching laughs out of that one because, as our lawyer so gingerly pointed out, most women who are genuinely afraid of a potential attacker don’t typically send them an email telling them where they can be found.  These same people who are terrified of their aggressor don’t often also give the baby his surname.  She really thinks other people don’t see through her lame-ass behaviour.  It was merely an excuse to mention the baby, gain contact with him, and test whether he cares for her or not.  Newsflash: he doesn’t.

She decides to see how this whole Twitter thing works, and creates an account for herself.  Every tweet she makes is about the baby, how excited she is, how this is such a gift, how friends and family are chomping at the bit to babysit, yada yada yada.  She went on in later tweets to name him as the father of the child (when this had not yet even been confirmed), made mention of how everyone knew about the affair except me, and hoped that her daughter didn’t end up being an “idiot-savante” like her father.   We were actually impressed that she was able to use that word in a sentence.  Triple point score!  (She won’t get that reference either, so I will save her the trouble and mention it has to do with scrabble).  Words aren’t her strong suit.

Not satisfied that her twitter feed isn’t being read by ANYONE, and that I may never stumble across it, she decided to mention the usernames of some of my friends in one of her tweets.  I should mention, for those not well versed in twitter, that if you mention someone’s twitter username in a tweet, they will be notified that they were mentioned, and directed to the tweet.  So, she baited some of the people I have listed as friends on twitter (she looks at my account, remember), by mentioning them, and hoping they would come see her page.  They did, and I was immediately sent 5 emails asking what the heck was going on.  I simply told them it’s my crazy stalker causing trouble, and nothing was ever said about it again.  Obviously she thinks outsiders care much more about this situation than they actually do.  Truthfully, people are far too consumed with themselves to give due attention to anyone else’s shit.

Given that her behaviour in creating her twitter account was to slander my husband and I, and to cause us psychological harm, she was asked to disable her account and take down her tweets.  She feigned ignorance about how to do that, attempting to buy herself more time for the information to be publicly available.  I was asked to send her written instructions on how to disable a twitter account.  I was happy to provide the help, as I am always about helping those less fortunate than I.

She discovers, via Twitter, that my husband and I are throwing a holiday party in our home.  I tweet some images of the decor and preparations.  Within a couple of hours, she sends a text message to a friend of ours she suspects will be at the party to inform him that she and my husband had sex, and that she had recently given birth to a baby girl.  He received the text message, shook his head, and refused to reply.  He, like many others, simply didn’t find her worth his time.  He had worked with her and my husband, so she had obtained his cell phone by said means.  Given that she desperately hopes for her behaviour to have immediate impact, his apathy to the situation and lack of reply pushed her to try a little harder…she called and left a message at his home.  His wife, also our friend, heard the message, and not aware of who this was, or what this was about, called back in order to make sense of the ridiculousness of her assertions and winds up in a 10 minute conversation with her, where once again, she felt the need to divulge all of the details.  What she probably didn’t know was that our friend, and the woman on the other end of the phone, is a psychiatrist.   It certainly was interesting to hear, from a psychiatric perspective, what she thought about this woman.

Upset that her recent request to receive $3000.00 per month above the regular child support payment to cover the cost of a private nanny was denied, she decided to lash out.  She called my husband’s workplace and lodged a formal complaint about him.  She did so anonymously, but does she really think we wouldn’t know that it was her?   He doesn’t have any other crazy stalker mistresses out there with the same backstory…She mentioned in her complaint, that she had been employed by him, outside of this current job, that he fathered her child, and that he was defaulting on child support payments.  I should mention that her past point, about him defaulting on child support is completely false.  He pays each payment on time, by post dated cheques, and is completely fulfilling his financial obligation.  To say that he was not constitutes slander.  I am sure she has no idea she broke the law when she mentioned untruths in an attempt to tarnish his reputation. Her desire was to paint him as irresponsible and morally corrupt , and not deserving of a position of influence within the organization.  Her attempt failed miserably, as the complaint was directed to his colleague who extended my husband a great deal of sympathy, and admitted that he too had once had a crazy woman involved in his life, attempting to destroy his marriage.  He was familiar with the “type”, and would ensure that he would be personally  handling any further dealings with the complainant.

So here we are, in March of 2011, so what comes next?  Stay tuned to find out if the craziness continues.  This image so fits with her personality:

Seeing red….flags, that is.


My husband.  I know him like the back of my hand. I trust him like no other, and am completely and fully invested in what we share.  I feel a safety and security with him like I’ve never felt before, and I am so incredibly lucky to have such a warm, sensitive, honest and caring spouse.  We’ve been married for 10 years, and it has been the best ten years of my life.  I wouldn’t trade it for anything.  I am so lucky.

In 2010 my husband started a new career path. I fully supported his dream, and wanted to do whatever possible to see it succeed.  I knew that it would involve some late nights, longer hours at work, less time at home, and would require me to shoulder most of the childcare burden.  This was his dream, and I was fully on board, willing to do my share to help him succeed.   This was important to him, so it was important to me – to us.  I would do whatever it takes.

I knew about her, he’d mentioned her before.  They used to work together the year prior, so she wasn’t ‘new’.  When they had both moved on from that job,  she came to work in his new office in order to help him get his business off the ground.  She was, as he described, exceptionally resourceful, and her help was crucial to this business getting off the ground, or so he said.  I believed it. I had no reason to suspect a thing.

I had the opportunity to meet her on a couple of occasions.  To be honest, she was nothing special.  I probably wouldn’t have picked her out of a crowd days later – there was nothing memorable about her.  She’s blonde, athletic and thin.  She wasn’t pretty in the classic sense of the word – she was plain.  What my husband described as “bubbly” in her personality, I actually saw as ‘immature’.  She seemed nice enough, but I detected an awkward vibe from her.   I took her for ‘aloof’, but also thought that perhaps she is awkward about my feelings of their opposite-sex work relationship.  I wanted to make her comfortable, and I wanted her to like me.  I made an effort to be exceptionally nice, and to exude a relaxed vibe so that she’d know she can relax too.

On first learning that he was going to be working closely with her, my initial response was a feeling of insecurity.  No one wants to know that their husband is working closely with a single woman every day, just the two of them in a closed office.  However many red flags that I SHOULD have seen, my trust in my husband was so great that it corrected all of my concerns.  It doesn’t matter what SHE does or says, I thought, it is HIM who is the stopgap here, and he wouldn’t ever do anything like that.  We are safe.

A few weeks after meeting her for the first time, red flags started popping up.

I should mention, before I continue, that my husband and I have always had an open-phone policy.  He can look at my phone, and I can look at his.  We can check each other’s emails, calls, text messages etc.  We don’t do this to check up on each other, but rather BECAUSE there is nothing to hide.  If he wants to send an email from my computer, he can.  If he wants to pick up my phone and happens to see my emails, there is no problem.  Like I said, we have nothing to hide, so the issue of phone privacy was never an issue with us.

One weekend, while spending some time with our children, a text message came through for my husband while he was driving.  As I usually do, I picked up his phone and read him the text message, so he’d know what had come though.  This wasn’t out of the ordinary, and in some cases, when I’d done this in the past, he’d dictated a reply for me to send when he was driving and unable to do so.  On this particular day, a text came through from her.  She used a pet name in her text message, and the reason for her text was a casual one.  It had nothing to do with work – just checking in and seeing how his weekend is.  I felt it – that moment when you just get a feeling something isn’t right. I questioned him about the appropriateness of her contacting him on his personal time, and using a pet name.  He brushed it off, and told me she has some boundary issues.  We both acknowledged that it was awkward and should be addressed.  He said he would talk to her on Monday about ceasing that behaviour.

“She likes to think of us as friends, not as a boss and employee.  She works harder for me when she thinks we are friends.  I’d rather let her think we are friends if it means a better bottom line for me at the end of the day”

Looking at that statement now, I was naive – an idiot.  At the time though, with the information that I had, it just seemed like this person had inappropriately ascribed my husband ‘friendship status’ when he didn’t feel the same way.  He was willing to let her think they were friends if it meant his business would reap the rewards.  He’d mentioned that the texts and emails were too personal, and that they needed to stop.  Apparently she’d been a little offended, but promised to try harder to draw a more appropriate boundary.

The text messages continued from time to time, and each time I asked about it, I was reassured that he’d talk to her – he’d handle it. I believed him.  I trusted him.

When he started coming home and telling me his knowledge of personal things in her life, I knew it was too much.  I didn’t think there was anything going on, but I knew this woman couldn’t be trusted.  There was something about her, something rebellious in her nature that wouldn’t honour his requests to keep their email, text, and office conversations strictly business.  He knew details about her current relationship and the struggles they were facing.  She’d confided in him the frequency of their sex life, his annoying habits and the fights they were in.  She was thinking of breaking it off, and had confided this to my husband at work.  I knew she had to go.

I asked my husband to fire her, pleaded with him.  He listened with sensitivity to my worries, and reassured me that it was OK.  He understood my concerns, but expressed a great deal of anxiety with letting her go.  “No one else can help me run this business”.  “No one knows the ins and outs of this enterprise like she does”. “If I fire her, I am committing business suicide, and this whole thing is going to fail”.  I didn’t want it to fail.  I didn’t want his dream to die.  Maybe I was making too much of it.

When I learned that he’d shared with her some personal details of mine, I knew that was enough.  I screamed, I yelled and I told him she had to be fired Monday.  He agreed, and said that he would be letting her go.  I felt relief, but it was also tempered with a lot of guilt because it may mean the end of his business dream…but what was more important, his dream or our marriage?

He never fired her.  That Monday I learned that the ‘firing’ needed to be delayed.  There were some critical issues at work that needed attention, and this wasn’t the right time.  He agreed it needed to be done, but asked me to trust him to do it at the right time, so that we could both get what we wanted – him, his business, and me, her out of our lives.

The weird text messages stopped, the emails and contact on his personal time seemed to disappear.  All in all, things had settled down, and without the constant intrusions, I no longer worried as much.  I started to relax about it, stopped asking about it, and felt more secure.  Yes, she still worked there, but from what I could see, she was now just an ’employee’.  They hired another person at the office to help manage the growing tasks of an expanding and now prosperous business, and knowing that there was no longer one-on-one time spent in the office with someone who had no respect for boundaries made me feel better.

Things were back to normal.  Except he was sleeping with her.

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