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You can’t thwart crazy


Those who know my story know that I will have the ow in our lives for the next 20 years while child support is payable. It’s quite a life sentence, no? I’m doing the best I can.

I read an email tonight which serves as a reminder that although I can change my perspective on the ow and her particular brand of crazy, I’ll never stop it. I can only change my reaction.

Her most recent email to our lawyer reads:

dear lawyer,

Below is a copy of an email received from __________ Daycare indicating man’s January cheque was returned NSF. Lawyer, not only only are his payments to both myself and the daycare consistently late they are now being returned insufficient funds. It appears your client wishes to have these matters handled by a collection agency or through additional court enforcement as he is blatantly disrespecting the Courts Orders. Further the February support payment to myself AND February payment to __________ Daycare has not been received.

Further I understand he continues his ongoing abusive and neglectful behavior towards his children. Kindly remind your client all documentation he provided to me prior to Jan 2012 was not confidential as was all information he has publicly provided since then. This includes but is not limited to documentation whereby he stated his wife’s negligent parenting was the cause of his eldest sons seizure at a theme park. allowing his youngest son to consume alcohol, intentionally neglecting his children’s needs to satisfy his sexual needs, documenting a very recent incident and more. He is aware of all of the information he has documented for at least four years now regarding his abusive and neglectful behavior toward his children. As you are aware the courts have already removed all of his rights to his youngest child, based on his abuse and violence.

Your cooperation in addressing these matters in a timely matter is appreciated.

Many thanks,

Ummm ok. Each year she is given monthly post dated cheques. She has them all in advance. How can they be late?

The courts removed his rights to the child he fathered with her? Ummm I think the technical term there that she is missing is that he “revoked” his rights and gave her full custody.

In the spirit of me embracing a new outlook on her, it is obvious she is suffering. She feels sad that her child doesn’t have a father and so she paints a picture that shows he was denied rights because the truth that he revoked them and hasn’t shown interest hurts too much. She still feels the need to lash out at me, referencing an once sent from 2005, four years before they met when my son suffered from heat stroke while at a theme park with my husband. Yup, I wasn’t even there. I was looking after his little 6 week old brother at the time. Interesting and creative spin, although quite inaccurate. Interesting to me how she always paints my husband as “abusive” in her emails. Claims that he abuses his children are completely false and out of character. I have to wonder if she needs to paint him this way to reduce her own pain about his being absent from her daughter’s life? It’s amazing what the mind can do. Don’t get me started on the comment that we let our baby drink. She’s living in a reality show crazier than Jersey Shore.

I can only offer her peace and healing, and the hope that she finds happiness. Maybe then, she won’t feel the need to spew these lies to protect herself from her pain. God help her.

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I’m mentally unstable, don’t you know…


The mistress is a liar

 

When it rains it pours. Nothing with this whore happens at a steady state. Instead, she prefers to operate in fits and spurts (I think we should accentuate the word FITS because she’s been having a lot of them). She will torment us for a while, her behaviour escalating to a fever pitch, and then gradually die off, not to be heard from for months. I have to admit, her silence was a nice holiday from this trauma, but like all voracious diseases…she’s back!

I posted about how she wants a reference for work. The lawyer who settled the family court issue had been receiving emails from her stating that she wished to receive an employment reference after all that she has done.

To read her antics, or some of them at least:

https://rescuingmymarriage.wordpress.com/2012/01/11/when-the-smoke-blows-in-your-face-it-rarely-tastes-good/

https://rescuingmymarriage.wordpress.com/2012/01/12/when-things-dont-go-as-planned-scream-rape/

https://rescuingmymarriage.wordpress.com/2011/09/09/loopy-with-a-side-of-crazy-i-want-my-life-back/

https://rescuingmymarriage.wordpress.com/2011/05/25/all-aboard-the-crazy-train/

https://rescuingmymarriage.wordpress.com/2011/03/30/stalking-slander-and-surreptitiousness/

The employment lawyer told her to take a hike, that this isn’t her domain, and to contact the lawyer who dealt with the false employment law case she’d launched when she claimed she was wrongfully dismissed by my husband in the wake of her threatening to ruin his reputation, and his family. She contacted the lawyer with the most pathetic email I think I have read to date. Such desperation, such lies, such obvious torment that she is going through. I *almost* felt bad for her.

Apparently, she is feeling worried that she won’t get this job that she has applied for. Suffice it so say that she admits lying on the application and telling them that the reason she left my husband’s employ was due to a tough pregnancy, and the reason she didn’t return after her pregnancy was because SHE made the choice to focus on her studies – but that is a whole other issue. Hey whore, tell them you were fired, tell them why, and no…he doesn’t want to hire your sorry as back as you claim, because no, he doesn’t think you are awesome as you apparently like to tout that you are, and no, he will NOT lie to support your false application.

I digress…

She received a reference letter in the weeks following her dismissal with a fair chunk of money to offset the 2 weeks notice she did not get. She has the letter in her possession, and I would be surprised if she has ‘lost’ it. I suspect that her worry is more that the employer will want to follow up by phone with her last known employer, and he will be asked to validate the reference letter. She can’t control what he says, and is worried that she will be exposed. So, she says to the lawyer in her email:

I believe my email is self explanatory. I understand (my husband) has received it and it is up to him to choose if he will provide an excellent job reference for me (which his words in thousands of emails, text messages & videos support) or he can defame and slander my professional reputation.

What, you mean like you have tried to do to him many many times already? He has no interest in slandering you sweetheart, he wants you to get a job and stop living off of us.

May I remind you that details of our affair, (husband’s) self admitted alcoholism, the [human rights complaint] against (husband) , his years of violent, misogynistic & sexually deviant behaviours towards myself and his daughter, his detailed discussions of Mrs X’s mental illness, sexual inadequacies, cosmetic surgeries, etc, …was not confidential information prior to January 2012. In fact his years of divulging information via his multiple social media accounts online very much support the above mentioned issues.

Did you know that I am mentally unstable? Apparently, according to her email, I am. I have a mental illness, and I am sexually inadequate. I should get a T-shirt made with that emblazoned on the front. She claims my husband, who hasn’t spoken a word to her since March 20th, 2012, and who has NEVER seen the child he fathered has been violent and sexually deviant towards her and the mistress? Really? In what universe? Her threat at the end that the above mentioned information was “known” (even though it is false) prior to January 2012 is simply her way of saying that she has the right to discuss it publicly, and she will, if she doesn’t get what she wants. Her court ordered custody agreement states that she cannot speak of the relationship to any third party, or speak negatively of my husband or his family, but her assumption is that because I’ve apparently been unstable, and my husband has been a sexually deviant alcoholic since BEFORE her mouth was shackled by an agreement, that is fair game to talk about, and she will, if pushed.

This is how she operates, with threats and manipulation. And I am the one who is mentally ill because I am trying to save our marriage? I love how I get dragged into her ridiculous rants. It is so glaringly obvious that she is jealous of our life, of the fact that my husband didn’t leave me, and that we have a lovely life together that she just wants a piece of. How pathetic can a human being be reduced to? She is obviously under a lot of stress lately and this is just her acting out…like a child does, when they don’t have the adult means to cope with their feelings in constructive ways. Someone needs a “time out”.

 

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Fuck you…Oh, can I get a reference?


For those who have been following and know the story, bless you for having read so much, and remaining on the crazy-train. For those who are new, or who haven’t combed through the archives of this blog to see the hell that the psycho mistress has tried to put our family through, I will give you a little synopsis so that this post makes sense.

My husband had an affair with a woman he worked with. She was his only employee, and at the time, he was grateful for the help. They started seeing one another before she came to work for him, and when he asked her to just be friends and stop the relationship, she claimed to be OK with it, and came to work for him under the understanding that they would remain only friends. That didn’t last long, and before you know it, she was asking him to stay late after work, making threats if he didn’t spend time with her or show her the affection she wanted. On the nights he would leave directly from work, she would text all night long threatening to tell me, to ruin him, to scream rape and cost him his career. As she gradually wanted more of a relationship than she was getting (she was getting screwed on office furniture and I guess she wanted a real date with a meal), she started to threaten more and more, and insinuate that perhaps he should tell me, so that he can stop living a lie. Obviously, she’d hoped to horn in on our lives, and hoped that upon learning of his transgressions, that I would kick him out, freeing him up for her. Well, I didn’t. She became infuriated, started emailing everyone we knew about the affair, including my husband’s work colleagues and my parents. She started threatening to tell others whose influence were higher on the chain, hoping that it would cost him his reputation. She was fired for this misconduct and for using work-related contacts which were privacy restricted for non-work-use, she was fired, and offered a significant amount of pay in exchange for notice, along with a reference letter to just get her out of his hair. Oh, in case you didn’t know, she was also 7 weeks pregnant and threatening to keep the baby unless he left me and our three children. He didn’t leave. She had the baby. We pay her child support every month, and my husband has no desire to see or know the child.

In the aftermath of the disclosure, in an effort to cause us greater harm, she launched a lawsuit accusing my husband of having fired her for being pregnant. Now, we all know that wasn’t why she was fired, but she figured she could claim that, and possibly win some money. She simultaneously launched a human rights tribunal action, citing discrimination for having been terminated for being pregnant. Although the two claims are similar, one is clearly a human rights/discrimination angle, and the other is an employment standards case for wrongful termination. In her Human Rights complaint, she goes into grossly fabricated detail about how she was sexually assaulted by my husband, raped, used and abused, and then threatened with job loss if she didn’t perform certain sexual acts. Her stories read like a bad made-for-TV miniseries. The way he ‘threw her to the ground’, ‘commanded her to perform oral sex at his desk’, ‘finished with her, and then threw her to the floor and told her she was a slut and then spit on her’….yeah, ok, cause THAT really happened. NOT. Anyone who knows my husband would find her script completely out of character, but it was coloured in the most maligning way possible, to cost him his career and make him suffer.

Fast forward two years. The lawsuit has been settled (we paid her even more money to just go away and drop it already), and this week, an email crossed my husband’s desk that she is looking for a job, and hopes for a reference letter. Are you fucking kidding me? She wants a letter of reference? What is he supposed to say, she sued me for fabricated scenarios, cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees, threatened my family, stalked my wife, called the police on my wife with false claims that my wife was hunting her down, but other than that she is a dedicated and hard worker and you’d be pleased to have the likes of her in YOUR office??? Really?

Her email reads (names have been removed for privacy):

In court in January 2012 you agreed we would discuss my job reference from (husband) at a later date. That date is here… I have been offered a position…Should my potential employer call for a job reference from(my husband) I have explained that my reason for leaving (husband’s company) in march2010 was due to a very physically difficult pregnancy (ummm no, it was because your sorry ass was fired due to your behaviour and threatening your employer and his family), I was placed onbedrest for most of my pregnancy & understandably unable to work (but not so bedridden that you couldn’t harass, stalk, fabricate false lawsuits…). Oncemy maternity leave was completed in September 2011, I chose to focus onmy studies full time and focus on completing my degree (Read: I chose to remain unemployed because my child support cheque gives me more money per month than I was ever making in my job, so why work?). This is thereason I did not return to working at (husband’s workplace) upon completion of my mat leave. Although he would have gladly taken me back (Are you for real??!?!?) as he has stated in thousands of emails, text messages and videos (no videos….but he had told her that she was a good employee from time to time and how grateful he was to have her in his employ), I am an excellent employee. I certainly hope (my husband’s) job reference for me will reflect those thousands of sentiments, that I excel in my role, and he give me an excellent reference and recommendation to any employer. Should he need documentation to jog his memory of his positive statements regarding my excellent skills I would be happy to forward the thousands of emails, text messages and videos for his review. There is of course additional extraneous information in these videos which I’m sure he wishes to keep confidential (there are no videos, but I find it funny that she would fabricate the existence of a video in which my husband simultaneously engages in sexual behavior with her while simultaneously vocalizing that she is a stellar employee at the same time…nice video if it actually exiated) between him and myself (and anyone who viewed them prior to Jan 2012), however I would be happy to provide him with these if he wishes. The other people who provide job references for me are people whom (my husband) interacts with regularly (you can only get a job reference from an employer you freaking idiot, and no one that you had in common can write you a reference letter…and the people you knew in common due to your role are the I.T person, the telephone technician, and perhaps the guy who delivered the mail???!? were THEY giving you reference letters about how great of an employee they think you MAY have been (they wouldn’t know), or were you fucking them too and that is the reference they can provide?!?), as I’m sure he is aware (my husband) and I have many, many mutual associates (no they don’t). All of these people will provide an excellent reference for me (you weren’t employed by any of them you dumb fuck)utilizing the aforementioned reasons for leaving employment with(husband). They have all expressed a desire for (husband) to also provide the same excellent reference and reason for leaving (they have all expressed a desire for him to write you a reference letter? Really? These fictitious people care THAT much about you?). Employment for me will ultimately benefit his daughter (name withheld), whose best interests are paramount. Please let me remind you that prior to January 2012 all information about (our) relationship with me, and our daughter was not confidential, hence the knowledge of the above parties of the situation (because she sent everyone she knows details about it in an effort to slander my husband).
Please tell me she isn’t this stupid….oh wait, yes she is. Here, let me sue you, cost you thousands of dollars, nickel and dime you for child support when I am making triple what most single mothers get in support, and oh, by the way, can you give me a really nice reference letter? This, people, is the moron we are dealing with. Someone oughta take her out back and shoot her. The average intelligence of the planet would rise ever so slightly.

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My husband fucked a moron…I hope it isn’t contagious


My husband’s ex-mistress is a moron.  I used to say that out of sheer anger and hatred for what her actions had brought into my family, and her ongoing harassment and downright cruel actions.  Now, I say it because I have proof, and while it used to make me angry, it now kind of makes me laugh.

(I am actually proud of myself.  I no longer get all worked up like I used to, and can now shrug most of these things off, and then carry on, forgetting about them moments later, and not having them penetrate my day, so…yay me.)

For those who have followed the story, or even for those that haven’t but who are aware of how child support payments work, the saga continues.  My husband has a court-ordered child support obligation to the child he fathered with the ho-bag.  Child support pays for the bare necessities of life: clothes on your back, food in your tummy, and a roof over your head.  Beyond these expenses are additional expenses which are split between the parents, the proportionate share being determined by the disparity in their incomes. Daycare, for one thing, is not paid from the child support, it is an additional expense.  Piano lessons, ballet, camp….those are additional expenses that the parents share, and our share of those is 95%…why 95?  Because she has no job, and gets free money so why work?

Despite the fact that she doesn’t have a job, she has put her unwanted child in daycare two days a week, then recently increased that to three, and now wants to increase it to five.  Can you say “I don’t want this kid, how can I get rid of it?”.  Hmmm I guess my husband suggestion to not have the child because it is a LOT of work is finally sinking in, but it is too late.  You’re a mommy and don’t want to be?  Oh waaaaaahhh…boo hoo.   So now, wanting to put this child into 5 days a week daycare, she needs to come up with proof that she is either in school or working 5 days per week in order to necessitate daycare 5 days per week.  So far, she has been unable to provide any documentation. But, she did have a lot of fun over the past few weeks sending our lawyer emails where she tries to sound like a lawyer, saying things like “your client isn’t paying his portion of the daycare, and they are not being paid”, and “your client has failed to honor the court order by providing his tax returns for our assessment”, and “when is your client going to obey the order of the court? Further non-compliance by your client will result in additional court appearances, and I wish to warn you that I will be seeking costs….”  OK little miss lawyer-wannabe…back in the dirty corner of your trailer you go.

First of all, her daycare costs ARE being covered, for the previous amount of days agreed upon for which she was able to provide documentation.  Since increasing her days, she has been unable to provide such documentation, and therefore, we have not been asked to increase our amount.  Until she can prove that it is NEEDED, she foots the cost, but no, she is too cheap, so she is letting the daycare run at a loss, hoping that my husband will pay it.  But, why should he?   He isn’t here to simply foot the bill for her desires and wishes, just cause she needs a day off of parenting.  Give me a break!  And the holier than thou attitude to the lawyer?  Give me a second break. Ridiculous.

Secondly, his tax returns were submitted on time, to our lawyer.  She hasn’t received them because she no longer has a lawyer.  Without a lawyer to send the details to, our lawyer is holding onto the details, but they WERE submitted as needed.  Now, it bears mentioning that the details of his income aren’t under review until October, so seeing them now simply gives her a glimpse into the candy dish she is pulling from next year.  Did his income go up?  By how much?  Does this mean I can get a new car now?   Blech.

She is just mentally challenged.  Truthfully, what kind of moron sends wannabe-intimidating emails to a professional lawyer, making accusations that our side isn’t honouring their commitment, when it is HER who has failed to show justification for needing the daycare, and unit she does, we ought do NOTHING, so we are completely in the right waiting for her to show her need.  We don’t just dole out free money, nor should we.  (I use the words ‘we’, but am perfectly aware that these are my husband’s costs and burden and not mine….I simply support him emotionally, so I use the word ‘we’, and ‘our’).  The best part was when she received an auto-reply from the lawyer that she was away on vacation, and would return July 16th. Moron emails her back and tells her that these matters are urgent, and that her ‘vacation is irrelevant’.   What kind of creature tells a hard working professional that they don’t deserve to be on vacation and it is irrelevant because SHE wants money?  Holy ballsy….or just plain stupid – you tell me.

So now the lawyer is back from vacation, and has told her in no uncertain terms that she is to communicate only through a lawyer on her side.  She refuses to communicate with her directly.  I agree, why would she want all of her unfiltered garbage?  At least a lawyer on her side, with any smarts, would be able to filter her shit before it came down the line, saying things like: “you can’t make a request like that’, or “that isn’t legally prescribed’, or “what the hell are you smoking??”, preventing 90% of what she thinks and ponders from ever reaching us.  As funny as her crap is, personally, we just enjoy living like better when she isn’t a part of it.  The sad part for her is that I think her lawyer finally had enough of her and fired her.  After his December payout from her settlement, he’s had enough.  He did, at one time early on in our process, confide in our lawyer that he wants nothing to do with her…gee, I wonder why.

I hope dumb doesn’t rub off, otherwise my husband’s thinking brain is going to suffer irreparable brain damage from exposure to mistressosis stupidialis.

Burden of responsibility and getting off Scott-free


When we are children, we are taught to share.  We are taught to “play  nice”.  When one child does something inappropriate to another, they are reprimanded.  If two children pair up to do something to a third child, both instigating children are found equally culpable, even when one points the finger at the other and said “she told me to!”, or “it was his idea!”.  What caused the circumstance is rarely an issue.  We care about making it RIGHT, and holding accountable those who contributed to the problem.  We don’t care whose idea it was, who pressured who into action….both are guilty, right?

Why is it then, that when we look at issues of infidelity, we, as women, are asked to not be upset with the whores who tried to steal our husbands and overturn our families.  Time and time again, we read about, and are told “she owed you nothing”, or “he was the one with the contract with you, not her”, or “he broke his vows, she didn’t owe you anything”, and we are asked to excuse the mistress because she isn’t the one who broke the vow.  Really?  Is it just me that strikes a bad chord with?   Am I simply too close to my own situation and filled with hatred and resentment that I am unable to see clearly what these other wise sages see?

I was recently on you tube looking up the videos I shared last week on the blog from Dr. Phil.  A quick search brought up this little number from Judge Judy.

Feel free to watch it in its entirety, but what I wanted to point out from it was that in her angry vent, the wife expresses dismay towards the “other woman”, to which Judge Judy replies that she owes her nothing.  That she isn’t the one who broke their marriage contract, and that she best take a closer look at her husband, instead of placing the blame on the mistress.   I can see both viewpoints, but I disagree entirely on this position of letting the mistress whore off scott-free.   If this were  a sandbox scuffle, mama bear would have come in and punished both, no?

I hold an immense amount of hatred towards my husband’s mistress.  Immense.  Gigantic.  Immeasurable.  If I could see her suffer, I would want a front row seat, with popcorn and perhaps a little candy to sweeten the deal.  I admit it entirely, and don’t keep it a secret.  I hate her with every cell in my body.   Do I hold her responsible?  Yes.  Is she solely responsible?  No.  My husband had free will and choice when he decided to violate our marriage.  He had the choice to walk away, to say no, to resist the feelings their interaction created.  He had CHOICE.  He made BAD CHOICES.  They BOTH did.   Why don’t I hate my husband to the same degree?  Why don’t I fantasize about him suffering emotionally and physically?  Why don’t I wish horrid circumstances to befall him, and instead try to protect him from sadness and hurt after all he’s done?

One word: Remorse.

My husband shows me through his words and actions that he regrets his choice.  He broke all contact with her, and committed to the marriage.  He’s attended therapy with me weekly for more than a year.  He’s listened, showed empathy, tried to make things right and correct the wrongs, tried to protect me from the evil that came from his actions.  He is remorseful?

Is she remorseful?  Not one iota.  Does she regret her choice?  She probably only regrets HOW she went about certain things, because in the end she lost him.  She probably regrets not digging deeper, or finding more malicious ways of keeping her hooks dug in deep.  She may regret having asked him to make a choice.  But does she regret ‘going for it?’.  No.  That is a guarantee.  Does she regret me finding out?  No, because she wants to see me suffer, and wanted me to know all along.  Does she show regret when she calls the police with false claims against me in order to keep me reminded of the ‘power’ she feels she has over me?   Does she show regret when she creates false legal claims designed to bankrupt my family, knowing that her child support payments can never be impacted, and are safeguarded no matter what happens to us financially?  No.  She has NEVER apologized.  She has never admitted fault. She has never acknowledged the pain she has caused.  She never will.  I see her sitting alone in her apartment with her child, no one to help her, no one to take over while she takes a nap, no one to share her child’s milestones with – totally alone.  But I do see a smug smile on her face when she thinks about the pain she inflicted and continues to inflict because she is evil like that.  She gets a perverse pleasure out of causing discomfort to others.  She used to do it to my husband in their relationship…make threats, cause drama, take things to the edge of normal and then rope him back, seemingly turned on by the rock and hard place she’d wedged him in.  Smug like a puppeteer holding the strings, watching others dance at her command.  That kind of person, smug and glee-filled at the thought of her destruction would never apologize.  In her mind, it will always be someone else’s fault.  It was my husband’s fault for coming on to her, it was my fault for not being complementary enough to my husband and showing him the support he needed during a rough time, it was his fault for creating a close working environment for them, it was my fault for not being the wife he needed….whatever spin she puts on it, she will always be the victim, and we the guilty party.

Why then, if these women actively prey on married men, and seek them out, are we not entitled to find them culpable, to hate them?  Why, if it takes two to cause an affair, are both parties not equally guilty, not equally responsible to the wife?  If I physically trespass on someone’s physical property, and cause irreparable damage, you can bet I will be held responsible.  She trespassed on my marriage, and yet, she “owes me nothing”???

Why do these women get their cake and eat it too?  They can walk into a marriage, engage the husband in an affair, enjoy the relationship and then walk away with no responsibility?  What is this, a car lease?   What about common decency?  What about humanity?  What about simple code of ethical conduct?   I can’t imagine EVER feeling entitled enough to do what she did, and to then CONTINUE to wreak havoc on the one I’d transgressed against.  I wouldn’t have the guts.

My healing journey would look totally different had I received one word of apology from her.  Had she expressed remorse or regret, had she expressed that she felt she’d made a mistake, or felt badly – I would be in a much better place than I am.   Instead she mocked me, called me names, ridiculed me physically, and then expressed excitement and joy in the fact that my hard work and strife would be going to pay HER child support.  She expressed joy at the idea of me slaving away to pay her monthly while she sits back and collects.  She actually said the words, followed by a “Yay me!”.   She then dragged us through the legal system with the help of a free lawyer, cost us hundreds of thousands of dollars, and continues now to squabble over $20 prescriptions for her child, for which we pay $19, and she pays $1 because her income is so disparate to ours.

Instead of facing two people keen on putting this behind us, and vowing to make better choices, I have only one who has ever once shown me that those 10 months were a mistake, were regretted, and were wrong.  The only one who has stepped up, been courageous enough to take the fall – my husband.  Remorse goes a long way to fixing a problem like this.  She will never ever ever show remorse.  Psychopathic narcissists like this simply can’t ever find fault with themselves.  So don’t anyone tell me that I don’t have the right to hate her, or to find her culpable.  Don’t tell me that she owes me nothing.  Don’t tell me that my husband was more responsible than she was.  It takes TWO, and in my reality, only one is paying their penance.

Perspective


Sometimes it takes me a day or so to mull things over.  Some time to massage the details, and then come up with how I really feel. With the events of the other day having sunk in,  I think I have it.

I feel great.  Really, I do.  This has been a nightmare 2 years, and for those who have never experienced this, I really hope that you never do.

I am sure there are readers who’ve read through this blog, the details of the hurt and the struggle, and whose first thoughts were “Why the hell are you choosing to stay with a scumbag who cheated on you?”, and you wouldn’t be wrong in having those thoughts.  Those thoughts echo the very thoughts that I would ask myself when I woke up in the morning and stumbled to the mirror.  I can understand the confusion my decision brings to others.  I can also understand the anger it likely brought to those close to me who didn’t want to see me hurt, again.  I know that my mother held a great deal of anger towards my husband – he betrayed her little girl.  He betrayed our family.  He disrespected the vows that he took when we married.  Sadly, my mother passed away before she would ever rectify those feelings with him.  My mother was also reacting out of transference because she too was betrayed by my father – several times.  To her, it was something that was destined to repeat, so to watch me stay caused her angst.   Until you experience this firsthand, you have absolutely no way of knowing the decision you will make in the aftermath of an affair.  6 months before my husband revealed his affair, a friend of mine told me of hers. She had slept with another man behind her husband’s back.  I was sick.  I was disgusted.  I thought to myself that if that ever happened to me, I would walk.  And then it did happen to me, and I stayed.  Some may view my decision as ‘weak’.  Others will view it as “strong”.  It depends on how you see things – the perspective you have, informed by the experiences you’ve had.   Relationships are complex. They can’t simply be dissected into even little pieces, each of them a small reflection of the bigger picture.  No, instead they are messy, the edges are jagged, and the components that make up the whole are very complicated.  It is never as easy or as straightforward on the inside as it appears on the outside.  It goes to show that you really can’t judge a situation until you have been in it.

Looking back over the last couple of days, since the legal matters were all tied up, I feel a tremendous sense of relief.   Yes, I was initially quite angry at the thought that this whore would be receiving additional money from me, money she doesn’t deserve, money that comes out of the mouths of MY CHILDREN, and straight into her pockets so that she can continue to remain unemployed, living off the hard work of others, feeling entitled to it because she pushed out a baby…oh wait, no she didn’t – she had a c-section to preserve the integrity of her vagina. Shallow much?   It’s right up there with her fake breasts which I’ve heard really aren’t anything to write home about, which look awkward, and which don’t fit her body at all.  I guess her physical fucked-upedness has just met her mental fucked-upedness. I think it’s always a good idea to be consisent, don’t you? 🙂

After receiving countless emails from those who read this blog from all over the world, I’ve been given such support and a positive outlook, and I can’t thank you enough.  I loved Pippi’s comment on the last thread that mentioned that yes she has our money, but so what?  We will make more.  She is right.  It is only money.  It isn’t something that can’t be replaced.  It is meaningless.  She can’t have our love for one another.  She can’t have our bond.  She can’t have our family.  She can’t have our happiness.  We are immune to her.  The financial impact will be minimal in the end, and will simply stop the legal bleeding that has been going on for months.  The payout for her is massive.  $27,000.00 is more money than she makes in a year in her job.  She, as seems to be the case with many of these low-life mistresses who see $$$ and decide to put out, she is a low income earner.  Hell, I earned more money in my part time job in university than she does in her professional job.  My salary today is well over 20x what she is capable of earning.  Why is that important?  I mention this only because the financial impact of what she has received (and I don’t say the word “won” because she hasn’t won here), is not that severe.  We will manage just fine, and in the end, would have paid far more for the same end result: having her OUT of our lives.  She is now just a yearly set of cheques made out in advance, and a yearly tax review.  On a day to day basis, she will no longer grace our dinner table conversation, although I am certain we will still enjoy the jokes at her expense.  They are too funny to pass up.

I am glad I have come to this place.  It feels new.  It feels like I’ve arrived.  It feels like I’ve survived.  I feel like I’ve won.  So…..”Yay me mother-fucker!”*

*Yay me is an expression the OW used quite often in her written tormenting emails to describe how she would prevail over me, and how I would be suffering in the days to come, but she would be unscathed.  Yay me was her way of inflicting pain and torment.  Today, I offer it back.  Eat it bitch. 🙂

Stronger than ever in the wake of his affair

Stronger than ever

 

 

Reclaiming my bliss


I’ve been on a torturous journey these last few years.  The ups and downs of this process have seriously at times felt as though I was on a roller coaster with no end in sight, and sometimes feeling barely strapped in.  Waking up one day in fear, another day in doubt, a third in reserved happiness, only for the cycle to repeat itself again and again, with no pattern, and no seeming reason for one reaction over another.

They say that children learn through repetition.  Having the same stimuli over and over again allows their brains to synthesize the information, process it, completely massage and engulf it, and then spit it out with a complete understanding of it.  I think the same applied to me with the details of the affair, the needing to know all of the gory details, the whys, the whens, the hows.  The whys were the most important.  I would often be asked by friends who were struggling to understand “why would you expose yourself to that?” when they’d learned that I’d read her emails over again, or revisited some of the text messages from the days around the disclosure.  I needed to.  I needed to re-read the details again, with a new set of eyes, and a new perspective to allow myself to FEEL the shift.  The ability to say “the last time I read this, I was trembling in fear.  I was hopeless.  I felt alone and beaten down.  Today, I read it again and I don’t feel that way.”  It was, I suppose, a way of establishing a barometer for how far I’d come.  Without these exercises of reliving, I had no way to objectively measure my progress.  I needed to know that I was moving forward, and not just because I wanted to THINK I was….but I wanted to KNOW that I was.  My feelings in the moment became my roadmap, and the shift in my feelings was showing me that my place on the map was moving.

The last few months have been very hard on me.  My mother passed away in October after a long struggle with an illness.  As I had mentioned in an earlier post, how my mother was ill, and how the mistress’ email to my mother disclosing the affair and the baby hit her quite hard.  The emotional torment she endured over the next while, I won’t ever truly understand.  My mother was very private about her struggles – stoic really.  Where she tried to hide that she was suffering, we all knew.  Her detachment from my husband, her reservations about visiting our home, finding excuses for it to just be me and the kids.  We knew she was angry at him…she could just never say it.  To say it would have made her “insensitive” in her mind….so she stayed quiet and stewed.  Within weeks of the disclosure, her health started to rapidly decline, like a runaway vehicle gains speed on a downward slope.  Every visit represented a marked change in her appearance, her function, her abilities.  She was now dying in front of our eyes, and there was no way to stop it.  Every day since the disclosure to her by email, I’ve regretted her knowing.  Would she still be with us if she hadn’t experienced this pain and trauma along with us?  Would we still have a few good years? months?  No one will ever know.  All I know is that she is gone, and I won’t ever get her back.

With the death of my mother, the grief it raised, the ongoing battles with the mistress’ harassment, and the strength I needed to muster in order to simply function (I had a birthday party booked for the morning after she died that I had to carry on with and put on a happy face), I really didn’t think that a human being should have to experience this much suffering all at the same time.

In August 2011, I received a phone call from the Police.  They called to inform me that the mistress had called them to file a formal complaint against me for harassment.  “Wait…”, I thought.  “How can I be charged with harassment when I am the injured party?”.  None of it made sense.  She has somehow discovered where we live, despite having moved.  She harasses me online by stalking my twitter account to see what I/we are up to.  She creates formal yet baseless (non factual and non-evidence bearing) complaints to my husband’s workplace insisting that he be fired.  Her lawyer sends ridiculous emails asking me to stop preying upon this poor single mother.  I have never once sent any communication to her, or done ANYTHING remotely harassing in nature.  I am not doing ANYTHING to invite further exchange.  It seems, however, that she wants a relationship with us and a window into our lives, and so she makes ludicrous statements in order to maintain dialogue with us, no matter how perverse.

For those who haven’t followed from the beginning, and who aren’t aware of the multiple claims she is making against us legally, she is firstly claiming that she was wrongfully dismissed from her workplace because she became pregnant, even though he informed her quite clearly that she was being fired for her malicious behavior, and not due to her being pregnant.  She sees dollars signs in this claim, and so she is fighting tooth and nail to have someone believe that she was wronged, and that *I* somehow in my anger towards her, convinced my husband to fire her.  Please.  I wish she would for once take some responsibility for her actions, and realize that she messed up.  She crossed the line.  She took it too far and allowed the personal relationship to destroy the professional one.  She was fired with cause, and if anyone finds otherwise in this claim, I will lose all faith in the legal system.

Before any case goes to trial, each side has the opportunity to present their evidence to the “other side” and to be questioned by the opposing sides’s lawyer.  It is called an examination for discovery and typically lasts several hours, with each side having their chance to share their perspective, and provide proof for their claim.  For us, that day just came yesterday.  While I would not be allowed into the discovery for her or for my husband, there was no doubt in my mind that I was going to be present.  In support of my husband, and to reclaim my power, I went.  What I witnessed was shocking.  This woman who has tormented us the past 2 years.  This woman who yelled at me over the phone and ridiculed me in the wake of my discovery of the relationship.  This woman who has signed off on almost every email with a reminder of how amazing and awesome she is – she was anything BUT awesome.  I don’t know why, but with all that has gone on, I suppose I had built up a picture of her in my mind that depicted strength, malice, conviction, confidence, ruthless. What I saw yesterday was anything but those things.  What I saw was a scared little girl, intimidated by process, crying her eyes out at the line of questions that was coming her way.  I saw a woman, poorly dressed (albeit I think she tried, that was just her best), with stringy, greasy hair dangling in her face, shoulder shrugged, looking beaten down by life.  If I didn’t know better, I might think she was mentally ill and suffering with a psychotic episode.  She walked past us, our appointments overlapping, and made her way into the hallway.  I couldn’t help but notice how heavy set she is.  This same woman who has balked about her great physique, her prowess as a runner, her ‘tight’ fit body….it looks like things have changed.  Having a baby will do that to you I guess.  What I saw was a shrinking violet, and it was the most empowering, strength-inducing thing I could ever have hoped to see.  What followed only confirmed our perceptions when our counsel told us what a mess she had been. Inconsistent in her answers, unable to maintain decorum, breaking into tears like an out of control train wreck.  What was supposed to take 2 hours, took more than three due to the frequent breaks needed to allow her to calm down in between questions.  She was, at the very heart of the matter, the drama queen she has always been, looking to invoke pity for herself, and cast herself as the victim.  It was pathetic, and I felt sorry for her in so many ways.  I realized in that moment, that I have won.  What seemed like a big intimidating force turned out to be a small, needy, scared little girl.  In the way that a small person’s shadow can appear long and tall with the right backlight, once the light was removed and she was seen for who she really is, she was pitiful.

My husband then had the opportunity to be questioned by the opposing side.  Two hours of questions which were supposed to pertain to her employment became tangential when her counsel started asking ridiculous questions like “how many times did you have sex at work?”.  The funniest part of that was that my husband was unable to recall.  It has been too long, and he is a man for whom those small details are not worth holding on to.  He has long forgotten how often they were together.  I’d like to think that it was because the sex just wasn’t that memorable 😉

So now, as we embark on the next leg of this journey, the establishment of a family law contract around the custody and child support for this child, and following that, a defamation suit brought against her by us for her latest malicious and false statements made in an attempt to cost him his job. As we prepare for the next chapter of this journey, we are comforted by the knowledge that we are as close as we have ever been, and that the witnessing of this debacle yesterday shows us that what we are facing is not to be feared.  We stand stronger together, and together we will be.

Piece by piece


I am drained.  I have been living this nightmare for 441 days. Just when I think I am returning into a state of ‘normal’, I am reminded that I will never again know what ‘nornal’ is.  My normal has shifted to a new state of ‘typical’ and it leaves me feeling depressed and hopeless.

I didn’t do anything.  I didn’t make any choices here.  I am not the one who almost threw away their marriage.  And yet, I am paying the ultimate price for the actions of two stupid, immature, selfish people, ONE of which should have known better.  MUCH better.  We’d talked about infidelity.  We were on the same page about how wrong it is.  He was raised by a serial cheater (father) and we’ve had countless conversations about how infantile his father’s continued abuse of his mother’s trust was.  Was he saying these things for MY benefit, but didn’t really embrace the same values that I did?  Did our vows mean NOTHING?

These are the things I ponder as I look back on the last 18 months.  Yes, that is right, next week will be 18 months.  It has been the slowest 18 months of my life.

Today I had the opportunity in therapy to share a small piece of my feelings about the child support his mistress is set to receive and how much it hurts me.  I don’t think he fully grasps the extent to which this KILLS me inside.  This woman cheated with my husband KNOWING that he is married.  She came to my home and chatted with me twice, once staying almost an hour.  She seemed genuinely likeable and friendly….and the whole time she stood and smiled at me, she knew she was harbouring a secret:  she was sleeping with my husband, and I was the only one in the dark.  What a fool she must have thought me to be.  How laughable.  Did she walk down my driveway with her fingers in the shape of an “L” on her forehead (denoting that I am a LOSER).  Did she laugh at my expense?  Was I the butt of jokes between her and her friends (they knew she was sleeping with a married man).  Was I considered pathetic?  This same woman, upon discovering that I knew of the affair didn’t cower, didn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable, and certainly didn’t apologize for having crossed a MAJOR line.  No, instead she laughed at me, mocked me, degraded me, caused me to question the security of my relationship by telling me that my husband thinks I am fat and used to laugh at me and about me (he claims that was a total fabrication), she sent mean-spirited emails, emailed my family, spilled this embarrassing secret to friends and family and has now made it her mission to drain us of every penny she can.  This is her sport, and she is going in as a warrior into battle.  Willing to do anything, say anything, be anything to get what she wants.  The problem?  She is facing the wrong opponent.  She needs someone equally prepared to go to war, and what she has is my husband. My husband is a nice guy, doesn’t want to rock the boat, maybe-if-I-give-it-enough-time-things-will-improve kinda guy.   His being a ‘nice-guy’ is what got him into this mess.   He goes along with things, and is easily manipulated.  He is being taken for a ride every day.  The only problem is, he doesn’t even realize he is in the car, and has himself fully believing that hs is in the drivers seat, in control.  He has no control here.  She does.  She pays no legal fees and can do whatever pleases her, at our expense because fighting her costs us money.  No, my husband doesn’t put on armor and charge full-throttle into the situation, pin her sorry ass up against the wall and demand that this behaviour, the harassment, the slander, the false allegations that cause us to seek legal support at $450 per hour EACH AND EVERY TIME stop.  Instead he blindly follows the recommendations of our family lawyers (we’ve had two now), who try and keep him calm, reassure him that they are doing what is expected while opening their palms to collect our money the NEXT time she acts out.  I firmly believe they want her to continue because it means more work and billing for them.

Yes she is facing the wrong adversary because you can bet her sorry little ass would be pinned to the wall so fast, she’d likely have seen it whip past her face on the way up.  Put me in the ring with this skank-assed piece of shit, and we’d see how fast her behaviour would stop.  I will NOT STAND for this in my life for another minute.  I’ve had enough.  I am tired.  I want out.  I need to be done.  I can’t handle another day.  I want it to stop.  Now.  It is not the way I want to live.  I did not invite this whore into our lives.  I didn’t bargain for a life where I would do the final bedtime check on my children at night, see them soundly sleeping in their beds, and silently tell them that I am sorry…sorry for not being able to be the mom I want to be, for not providing the family atmosphere I want to provide, the untainted family life I want them to know.   I don’t want to be that mom who has to escape to the closet for a good cry, or who snaps at them out of frustration because my very last nerve is spent dealing with this lunatic and I have nothing left for them.  They deserve better.  I deserve better.  I want to be better, but I don’t know how to get there.

All I know is that I can’t handle another 22 years of doling out a cheque to a woman who is grinning ear to ear at the windfall she’s collecting, earning more in child support monthly than she ever did at her job.  Smiling because she knows she is having an impact, and smiling because she feels she has won.  At the end of this child support term, we will have given her almost $1.000,000…..yes that is ONE MILLION DOLLARS.  That is money that MY children should have access to, that should be going to enrich OUR LIVES, NOT HERS.  I can’t live this reality for 22 more years…and then the possibility that this child may want a relationship with my husband beyond that.  This could be a lifetime burden that I carry.   I would rather have a disease because then I could pray that it would take me quickly and painlessly instead of like this – piece by piece.

Loopy with a side of crazy – I want my life back


For those who have been following the saga, we know that my husband’s mistress is, by all accounts loopy with a side dish of crazy. For those just joining the story who wish to get a more firm grasp on this personality, I will recap:

  • The morning after I learned of the affair, she realized that I hadn’t kicked him out (as she’d hoped), and went nuts.  Knowing that he didn’t want another child, she decided to have the child simply out of spite, claiming to have ‘fallen in love’ with the idea of being a mommy (read: loving the idea of someone loving her unconditionally for once in her life).  She started emailing me and telling me that my husband has to think of her in order to “get off”, and how the two of them used to make fun of my exercise routine, calling me fat, and my exercise group the ‘fat farm’ (I should mention that I am well within my normal weight ranges for my height after having three children, train with a personal trainer and a running trainer twice a week).
  • She said she would terminate the pregnancy if my husband left me.
  • We sought legal protection in order to stop her from contacting us by email, phone or otherwise, and we have made absolutely NO contact with her as we try and rebuild
  • She called my husband’s colleagues and told them of the affair via text message
  • She called the wife of a colleague/friend to tell them she had given birth to his child
  • She emailed my parents and my brother to tell them about the affair under the auspices of trying to gather support for me
  • She threatened to call all of my husband’s colleagues to tell them of the affair under the auspices of trying to gather support for herself (she doesn’t know his colleagues)
  • She stalked us to learn our new home address after we had moved for a fresh start and we found her parked outside our home.
  • She called to laugh at me over the phone and tell me that I am nothing, and that my husband doesn’t love me
  • She sent me emails detailing how they would get together and make love for 12 hours straight and that he was the best sex she’d ever had
  • She setup an account on twitter to document the final days of her pregnancy, naming my husband as the father and outing the affair
  • She stalked my twitter account in order to determine who I am connected with and then sent some of my connections (colleagues) details about the affair and that my husband had fathered her child
  • She posted a comment on my business blog under the auspices of trying to get support for me from my clientele
  • She emailed my husband and I ultrasound images of the baby so that we could “celebrate” with her
  • She emailed my husband a month before the baby was born to tell him that she was in early labour and ‘scared’ and that he is listed on the chart as ‘dangerous’ and that she is registered under protective status (makes a lot of sense to tell someone you claim is harassing you and who you are scared of what your exact location is)
  • She commenced a legal action against him claiming wrongful dismissal which has cost us thousands of dollars
  • She commenced a Human Rights Code Complaint stating that she was sexually harassed and forced into sex, but in her demands asks for her job back and $100K in damages (if you were truly scared of a man and considered him a sex attacker, would you ask to be reinstated in that job?)
  • Last month she sent an email to her lawyer (working for her for free, by the way, while we have spent upwards of $50K in legal expenses), that we continue to stalk her online (never contacted her and have done NO such thing – her name is never mentioned in this blog or her identity revealed for the reasons that we don’t wish to engage her).
So perhaps that gives you a little taste of what we are dealing with.
So, as you saw in my previous post, she is now going to be receiving TRIPLE the amount of child support, and it sickens me to know that she is doing her happy dance at home, earning more in child support payments than she did in her job.
But, to make matters worse, today she sent an email to her lawyer claiming that she would like the harassment from my husband and I to stop.  She claims my husband’s colleagues have been emailing her pornographic information and sending inappropriate emails and phone calls to her home.  She pleads for the behaviour to stop, and claims that she just wants to move forward ‘amicably’.  Let it be known that NONE of my husband’s colleagues are aware of the affair and NONE of them know her personal information, let alone her phone number. It is a complete fabrication.What pisses me off more than anything is the fact that she can make these assenine claims, taking up the time of our respective lawyers’ time, and then we have to pay our lawyer to reply to something that is completely false.  She is draining us of every penny we own, and embarks on things like this as if they were sport.  Her lawyer costs her NOTHING as it is a friend to her father.  Nice.  She is playing games to get us unnerved knowing that it will start a series of communications, and perhaps keep her ‘fresh’ in my husband’s mind, and mine.

I told my husband that she should be forced to PRESENT these emails that she claims to have received, and voice recordings of all voicemails.  When she can’t produce them, she should be told that she is either:
  1. Lying and fabricating bullshit for fun
  2. Truly believing that these events are happening, in which case she is mentally unfit to parent this child and we are seeking support
Something tells me that given those two options, she would admit to having lied before threatening to have her custody revoked due to her being unfit.  In doing so, she would essentially be admitting to having lied, fracturing her own credibility with her counsel.
I am literally at the end of my rope.  I can’t believe this crazy person has been admitted into our lives.  I just want my life back.

It’s raining betrayal folks, part one


If I hadn’t just pinched myself, I would swear I was dreaming.  This week has been the most illuminating and surreal week I’ve experienced aside from the date of the discovery of my husband’s affair. 

I left off my last post with a new betrayal, this time from my mother.  She had lied about my lawyer having said some ‘less than favourable comments’ about my husband and I, comments that I followed up on, inquired about, and in doing so have suffered the brunt of this lawyer’s anger for the last 10 days.  I also lost a family friend, although I am not terribly certain how much of a loss it is when she disappeared from my life a few days after the affair came to light, and hasn’t made a single attempt to offer any support.  My description of the loss of that support and friendship can be found here.  I think it can only be called a loss if you had actually something to lose.  She left a long time ago, so her recent angry outburst towards me just supports my claim that she was never really a friend to begin with.

So fast forward to this week…

My lawyer, feeling unfairly blamed for having had a side conversation about me becomes so enraged that he refuses to speak with me, requests a formal removal of my name from the legal retainer for our case, and when my husband asks to meet to discuss this properly tells him that he will only meet with him alone, and not with me present.  I was shut out and placed in the corner like a punished child.  It was unfortunate that he wouldn’t let me speak because after I learned that my mother had lied about it, I was now unable to give him an apology.  My husband mulled over his offer to remain on the case only if my name is removed, and our decision was that this made us uncomfortable.  As we try and unite  and heal in the aftermath of this last year, our lawyer is asking us to be divided in order to receive his services.  The immaturity and egotistical power playing here was apparent to me, but my husband hadn’t quite grasped it.   He told the lawyer that we aren’t comfortable with that, and that we both want to be on retainer (basically telling him that he has something we want, power is in his court), and he says that he will agree to having us both on the retainer….as long as I apologize.

So, here is this man, refusing to speak with me or acknowledge my existence, who has placed me into the corner like a punished child, and is now willing to let me up for air if I apologize.  Does this wreak of a power maneuver to anyone else?  I wasn’t about to play, so when he didn’t receive an apology from me within 48 hours, he sent an email stating that since I hadn’t apologized, that he was closing the case.  My husband reminded him that I have been busy with the death of my mother, and his response:  “Fair Enough”.

Not wanting to subordinate myself to an obviously egotistical chauvenist, the apology I was so willing to give days before was no longer tasting good in my mouth.  Giving it meant acquiescing to his condescension and prostrating myself in front of him in order to get what we needed – representation.   I am worth more than that, so I decided to compose an email that would both satisfy his need for an apology, without really giving one.  I expressed regret that he’d taken my inquiry about his involvement in a side conversation to be an outright accusation, and that I wished I’d had an opportunity to provide it to him when I first felt it necessary.  I was unable to do so, because he had shut me out, and so I told him that it was unfortunate that the apology now had to come as a result of duress and coercion, something, I said, which must be very unsatisfying on  his end.  My husband read the email, I read it aloud to him as well, and he determined that it was too long, and showed that I’d put in far too much thought and care into a matter that we shouldn’t give him the power of thinking we’d pondered about all that much.  So, at his direction, I sent a three line email, stating that I understood that an apology was wanted, that I regretted his misinterpretation, and that I hoped he could interpret this email in the spirit with which it was intended.  I received a reply that said: “that was most unapologetic”.

So here is my lawyer, asking me for an apology as a power maneuver to get the upper hand.  He is given an apology, and isn’t satisfied.  So, I pull my previous apology out of my back pocket, and send that one along.  That was the one that said that it must feel very unsatisfying to have to ask for an apology.  I also disarmed his power because I tossed back at him the very thing that he wanted to hold over my head (my name being on the retainer), and told him that I don’t need to be on it.  It is fine to remove me, nothing changes.  We will still talk about it together and make decisions…my name being formally on a document means nothing to how we proceed.  I’d just cut off the carrot he thought I felt so passionate about.  He has since taken me off the documents, I am no longer his client, only my husband is.  In the meantime, I am looking for better representation, and look forward to firing his fat ass.  It will be epic.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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