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I wanted to let all of my readers know that I have just started a page on Facebook devoted to this blog, and this journey. If you are on Facebook, I would like to invite you to like my page which is entitled “Rescuing My Marriage”.

You will notice when you search for that page, that two pages of the same name come up. That’s because I had started one, and then realized that I hadn’t used appropriate capital letters in my title, and attempted to start over, not realizing it would have created the first one if I hadn’t completed before step process. Nonetheless, one of them has followers, the other one has none, and you will obviously want to Like the page that has existing followers.

The page is currently blank, Avitts I have not added any content yet, but will be using the page to advertise new blog posts, to share quotes and words of comfort, to share cartoons which appropriately mock women who choose to engage in this horrid lifestyle.

Please join me on this page, and I look forward to interacting with you there also.

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Perplexed


The self-absorbed righteous mistress thinks it is all about her

 

 

I am perplexed. I am the kind of person who marvels in figuring things out. OK so maybe I don’t really want to know the inner workings of the remote control, or how the thermostat regulates the temperature in the house (I actually know all about the coiled bi-metallic anode), but I love making sense of chaos and finding a reason for why things are the way that they are, especially as it relates to human behaviour. It is for this reason that I first sought a psychology degree in my undergraduate training, and later a masters in psychotherapy. I like knowing what makes people tick. Over the years, learning myself better, I think the reason I was so attracted to knowing what guides human behaviour was my need to predict my environment and feel safe in it. I reason that if I knew what would cause a person to do a certain thing, I could better anticipate it, and not be caught off guard. Regardless, I just enjoy putting people together, like a puzzle, and figuring them out.

The mistress stumps me. You know, as I type those words each time, I don’t even like applying that term to her. The word almost looks regal on screen. The sound of the letters when placed together in a word come off my tongue almost sounding classy, when this woman is the farthest thing from a class act. I guess that is why I prefer to call her the skank, the whore, the cum-dumpster, trailer trash, the slut, the bitch, or as one lovely reader, and fellow blogger likes to call her, the “side pork”. Yup, I still love that one.

 

I can’t figure out what would make a person feel so entitled. I posted a while back on “entitlement”, and reflect often on how this poor excuse for a human being feels so entitled, despite neon signs flashing all around her which tell her the opposite. Can someone be so self-absorbed with such a warped sense of self-importance that they simply don’t think that the rules apply to them? Can someone be so delusional as to think that they are far better than anyone else, and that the rules that apply to most people, are not valid where they are concerned? The latter, of course, is actually a mental illness, and my husband and I (and our various solicitors) are convinced that she is not mentally all there, so maybe that explains it.

Looking back at the story in summary:

We find a woman who meets a married man, decides she likes him, learns he is married, and pursues him anyway. She would probably disagree that she pursued him, and make herself the victim, like he pursued her, but seriously….regardless of how it went down, or who initiated what, at some point, she decided that flirting with, kissing, and sleeping with a married man was something she was OK with, and she went ahead with her behaviour with full knowledge of his marital status, so it doesn’t really matter who pursued who, she wasn’t a victim in all of this as she would claim, she was a 50% responsible co-conspirator with my husband. She felt ENTITLED to him.

She makes the relationship ‘seem’ attractive and fun by stating that she only wants casual sex (these details by the way are found throughout her emails and text messages where she writes literally this), that she is sex-crazy and needs to have sex 4-5 times PER DAY and never feels satisfied. She advertises herself as sexually liberal and interested only in the casual nature of the sex, with no strings attached, and despite saying that she too is involved with someone, she puts forth an ‘escape clause’ that says that either one of them can put an end to the relationship at any time, no questions asked. She hoped my husband wouldn’t read the small print (his penis doesn’t have such good eyesight to read the small little print at the bottom of the page, and is easily distractible), which states that only she can use the escape clause for her own benefit, and that if he attempts to use it, he will be stalked, terrorized, harassed, threatened and his life made utterly miserable – sign on the dotted line. Something smells fishy….that is just too perfect a scenario for a woman to put forth…and so rare. Too bad my husband didn’t follow the golden rule: If something seems too good to be true…it probably is.

When it was obvious that he wasn’t interested, she became pregnant and flaunted that she’d prefer to have an abortion, and would do so if he left me and his kids. He wasn’t prepared to do that. Threats escalated. Then came the ultimatum: You tell your wife this week, or I will. She felt ENTITLED to this relationship and would do whatever she could to secure it. Since she’d already shown him that she means business and would certainly follow through on that threat, he knew the gig was up. She coached him on what to say, and how to say it, and waited gleefully off-stage while he gave the final performance of his marital career, expectantly waiting to rescue him after I kicked him to the curb. Finally, she would get what she wanted. She was ENTITLED to it. But she didn’t read me, as well as I read her, and was side-swiped with the news that he wasn’t leaving, and I wasn’t kicking him out. So the shit hits the fan.

From that moment on, the ENTITLEMENT festered and grew like a cancer, spreading like wildfire, and taking over any sensible, rational part of her brain. She decides to have her baby out of spite, knowing full well that she would be raising this child alone, and that my husband would never see the child. He’d made that very clear to her when she was deciding what to do, and wanted her to make her choice with FULL KNOWLEDGE of how it would look. This wasn’t a surprise, this was her CHOICE. He had no say in whether his child was brought into the world. She alone was going to decide that a child would be born to a fatherless home, with a mentally unstable mother, and would cost the father close to one million dollars in child support over the next 22 years. Yup, you heard me right. TWENTY-TWO YEARS. Sounds like a prison sentence doesn’t it? It feels like one. Funny how TWO people can make a CHOICE to sleep together, TWO people can decide to engage in something illicit, TWO people can conspire to keep it a secret, but ONE person can decide on behalf of BOTH of them whether a child should be born of their union, and that the other person will pay for 95% of it. Somehow that loses its fairness. At that point, what was consensual to BOTH is now decided by ONE, and guided by spite, revenge, and anger. Out of anger for not having “won the prize” when I decided to keep my husband, she decides to birth a child, stating that she looked forward to ruining us financially and having us pay for it (yes, she actually said that), and then goes on a revenge rampage, emailing everyone she can think of that is connected to my husband to tell them about the affair. She felt ENTITLED to let them know, claiming that it was her ‘responsibility’. Not only did she email work colleagues and co-workers, she contacted executive staff who manage over my husband, who have the ability to see him out of his career. When that wasn’t tasty enough, she decided she would also try to ruin us socially, and revealed the affair to friends via email, and then lastly to my parents and brother, so that I could feel a little of the humiliation as well. She felt ENTITLED to share it, it was almost, as she’d put it, her responsibility to let them all know, and cloaked it as a desire to want to inform them all so that they could ‘help me’ emotionally through the pain it would surely cause. When her actions threatened my husband’s reputation among his peers and colleagues, her employment with him was terminated. It was felt that she could no longer work in that environment, was a threat to the organization and to the principal of the company, and was let go. Despite being given 3X the severance pay that she was entitled to, along with a letter of reference, she decided to launch a wrongful dismissal suit because she felt ENTITLED to damages. She claimed emotional distress and psychological torment at having lost her job, and claimed that she was let go because she was pregnant. She obtained a free lawyer who would work for her for free for the next two years, trying to help her collect on damages. She had him convinced that my husband had raped and tormented her, and that he’d impregnated her and then hung her out to dry. He bought into it hook, line, and sinker. Any rational person hearing the story objectively, would have felt some compassion for me, the innocent party, during these proceedings, but her bottom-feeding lawyer looked at me with disgust, and refused to shake my hand when I offered it at our first meeting. Doesn’t surprise me that someone lacking any class would select a lawyer equally un-schooled in the art of human relations. She launched in tandem a complaint with the Human Rights Tribunal, hoping to collect some additional money. She felt ENTITLED to as much money as possible to offset her ‘suffering. When the time came to settle the custody and child support issues (separate legal team, separate court documents), she was encouraged to settle those before the custody would be considered. She wanted the custody settled so that her payments would be court ordered and enforceable, because she felt ENTITLED to obtain as much money from his as possible. She ended up receiving a considerable sum in settlement pay in order to drop her two false claims (she wasn’t wrongfully dismissed, and she wasn’t discriminated against (human rights) for having been pregnant. Both claims were dropped, and she walked away with her pockets filled, never having paid her lawyer a red cent. He would end up being paid from this sum. It had been the plan all along: launch as many claims as you can against him, it will end up being settled, and at the very least, we will walk away financially advantaged. Nice ploy.

 

Outside of the child support payments exist extraneous payments which are required to be paid in addition Things like prescriptions, ballet classes, music classes, school fees, team enrolment, mommy&baby classes, etc. That isn’t split 50/50, it is proportionate to income, and because she doesn’t work, we pay 95%, so when a prescription had to be filled for her daughter for $29, she sent the bill to our lawyer for $27. Yup, she pays $2, and we pay $27. I couldn’t believe, given the enormous amount she makes in child support payments, that she was scraping the bottom of the barrel and scrounging for $27….I was kind of embarrassed for her, but she felt ENTITLED. She unilaterally decided to place her child into daycare, with no regard to what the cost was. She chose one of the highest priced daycares in the area. Why? Cause she doesn’t pay for it, we do. Her 5% portion is laughable. She felt ENTITLED to spend our money how she saw fit. Why not? Free money, mandated by the laws which have been put into place to protect babies of deadbeat dads. When she decided that she wanted to get her daughter immunized against Hepatitis B (not covered by health insurance), we questioned why she would need/want to immunize her against something like this at such a young age, especially if she isn’t exposed…unless she was going on a trip? A few weeks later, a request comes for my husband to sign her passport application. She is reminded that she has complete custody, and his signature or permission for her to travel is not needed. A passport? A hepatitis B vaccination? Sounds like someone is going on a vacation!! Mexico maybe? Funny, she can’t scrape two cents together, and hasn’t been able to EVER afford a vacation…until now, when her child support payments which are far greater than what is actually NEEDED to support her child allow her to squirrel a little away at a time for her child. Looks like she went to Mexico (or some other disease infested area requiring advanced vaccination), on our dollar. Why not? She is ENTITLED to a vacation on us, right?

So here we are, two years later. The false lawsuits have been dropped and closed. She has legally released my husband from all claims relating to her employment. She gets a monthly cheque for her child support, post-dated cheques given yearly so they are never late, and daycare payments made directly to the daycare so that she can turf her kid and have some ‘mommy time’. She is ENTITLED to that though, cause she works so hard as a single mother (and I don’t doubt that she does, I am sure it is BRUTALLY hard, and I wouldn’t change places with her but let’s not forget that this was her CHOICE). She sits on the brink of a job offer, having submitted a job application that she obvious wants desperately (I guess she needs to get out of the house, 100% childcare is exhausting!! He warned her that it would be….we’ve been there…done that…she didn’t listen), and she is worried that he won’t give her a good reference. Although she has a reference letter, her fear is that someone will call him, and she can’t monitor or control what he says. She is worried that karma is going to exact a toll on her, and do to her what she has been doing to him for two years: slandering a reputation and compromising a career. Out of her fear, she has decided to launch several lies and threatens to make them public (read the post before this one called “I am mentally unstable….” if she doesn’t get what she wants. Can someone tell me why she should get what she wants, after all that she has done? Because she feels ENTITLED, that’s why.

In my attempt to decode this person’s behaviour, I am left perplexed. How can someone exact such vengeful behaviours, launch a tirade of hurtful actions, compromise my husband’s reputation and career, stalk me online, harass me with false police allegations against me, demand payments for things that she unilaterally selects, and then feel entitled to a glowing recommendation? Seriously? Is she missing a chromosome responsible for rationality? Is she really just this stupid? Or is she just ballsy, thinking that if she casts a wide enough net, she is likely to reel SOMETHING back, and she just doesn’t care how it makes her look? Wow. I just don’t get it. I feel embarrassed for her. This is just one person I can’t figure out…and it’s not because she is too complex…she just escapes the definition of ‘normal’.

She won’t be getting a reference letter. My husband has no desire to compromise her career. He is above all of that. He would rather see her working, and supporting her child, than leeching off of us every month. He would rather see her time and brain power put towards a job, instead of left free to concoct more damage against us. He wants her to move on. He wants her to find a man. He wants her to divert her attention off of us, and to just move on with her life. He pays a cheque monthly to assist her with that. Hopefully it is just a matter of time before she ‘gets it’ that it is time to let go, and to move forward.

When things don’t go as planned….scream rape.


Rape.  It is a very loaded term, and carries with it unpleasant thoughts, torturous feelings and a general unease in those who hear it or use it.  I personally hate the word.  I hate the sound of it.  I hate the combination of letters and sounds that are put together to form it.  Personally, I don’t like the colloquial use either (i.e. they are raping us for money) and avoid whenever possible.  Why?  Because to use a word that describes a horrific act to describe something unpleasant that does not carry the same personally injury and circumstances is to downplay the realities that so many individuals have and will have to face when they experience this horrendous crime.

In an attempt to wield control over my husband in the early days of the relationship, my husband’s skank whore would threaten to scream rape if he didn’t comply with her desire to maintain the relationship.  It was August, and they’d been involved since June.  The curiosity had worn off, the novelty was no more, and now he was just sleeping with a woman that he had no other connection with.  They weren’t matched socially, they weren’t matched financially, and they weren’t matched intellectually.  The only thing they had in common is that they were both feeling reckless, and both had a sudden (and non-characteristic in the case of my husband) disregard for how their actions would impact others.  She had create the escape clause that either could pull out of the agreement at any time, but then didn’t like it when he wanted out.  That has been her M.O all along…if she is not IN CONTROL, she loses it.  She wants to call the shots, she wants to be in the driver’s seat.  So when he was the first to want to play the escape card, she felt let down, hurt, disappointed.  She wasn’t about to let him just walk away, after all, she’d collected too much dirt on him. She was in a position to use it to her advantage.

“I will tell your wife”

“I will call the cops and tell them you have been raping me at work”

“I will tell them that you held my job over my head and forced me to have sex with you for my job”

“I will report you to your professional body – you will lose your designation”

Stuck between a rock and a hard place, he kept up the charade for a long time, trying to think of ways to ease himself out of the situation gradually, so that maybe it wouldn’t be as painful or noticeable….a gradual growing apart.  No.  she wouldn’t have it, and threatened all of the above to keep her “upper hand”.  He was stuck.  Lose your family AND your career…or stay with me.  Staying seemed easier….at least until he could figure a way out.  He was, in his words, captive.

Last week, in a last ditch effort to send us one last communication, since we had her sign a restraining order, she emailed us a lengthy 50+ page document, the first 7 pages of which were a monologue of hers, describing the relationship and the events that transpired.  In her little essay, she claims my husband forced her to have sex repeatedly in the office, that he once threw her to the ground, then dragged her by the hair into his office where he raped her, the whole time she was screaming “no, please no!”, but he wouldn’t listen, according to her record.  He told her that she would shutup and take it if she wanted her job, so she submitted and allowed him to have his way with her, the whole time terrified for her life, and later crying in the car on the way home that she had been violated so badly.  When he was done with her, according to her communique, he screamed at her to “Get the fuck out”, and sent her on her way.

Dramatic hunh?  Belongs in a trashy novel…or in a low budget made for TV movie called “When Susie said no”.   Give me a fucking break.

There was no rape.  There was no force.  There was no demeaning sexual conquest or threat of job loss in exchange for sexual favours.  My husband isn’t a crazed sex maniac, and wouldn’t dream of taking advantage of a woman, sexually or otherwise.  He is one of the most gentle men I’ve ever known, and it is this very quality that drew me to him, and made me want to be his wife.  Because, as a person who HAS BEEN sexually assaulted (at the age of 15 by a co-worker/friend), I needed a man that I could trust in this regard.  For her to have lied and claimed to have suffered a similar experience as hundreds of thousands who are actually treated like garbage repeatedly, assaulted, raped, forced, demeaned….her daring to put herself in the same camp as these women who have TRULY suffered disgusts me.   How dare she claim to share their experience.  How dare she throw around the term, and use it to her advantage in order to hurt someone else?   What kind of person does that??   A sick, demented, lowly scumbag, that’s who.

Of course, despite these repeated “attacks”, she would come into work every day, smiling and happy.  She would send emails acknowledging her excitement over upcoming sexual get-togethers they had planned.  No woman who has been assaulted sexually by a man would:

1. Continue to subject herself to the experience
2. Interact in a jovial and interactive way with their attacker
3. Name their offspring after their rapist
4. Request in the Damages section of her Human Rights Complaint that she be given her job back, and seek to return to the work environment she’d been fired from
5. File a wrongful dismissal claim against their employer after being fired from the very job they were desperate to “escape from” due to repeated sexual assaults.

Give me a break.  Does she not see how utterly ridiculous she sounds?  Does she not know how idiotic everyone who reads these diatribes finds her?  She can’t even keep her story straight in ONE domain, let alone across multiple lawsuits where in one she claimed she was in a “relationship of permanence” and, therefore eligible for spousal support, and in the other claim that she never loved him, and that her affection for him was merely as a friend, that she feared for her safety and was let go wrongfully.  Pick a side of the fence honey cause it must hurt to straddle.

The fact is, reading through this sad little document was reassuring.  It gave us laughs, but it also reaffirmed for us how psycho she is, how correct we are in taking the higher road, and  how far gone and obsessed she is.  We’ve moved on in the sense that we have rebuilt our lives.  She, on the other hand lives and breathes the details of this situation, desperately trying to inflict hurt and pain so that we can all feel how she feels.  Well you know what, I am NEVER going to feel what you feel.  I have a husband who loves me, three children who were WANTED, and a relationship that my husband isn’t looking to “escape from”.  I am a wanted partner, a desired friend, and a selected spouse.  I will never be an equal because I am not a mistress, I am a WIFE.  I am not a liar, I am a fighter, and I am not a victim, I am a survivor.  We are not the same, our stories are not the same, and I will not be made to FEEL her agony.  Her agony is her cross to bear for the bad decision she made when she decided to walk into a marriage.  She would have been MUCH better off walking away, staying single, and finding someone new. By now, she would have been engaged or married, possibly expecting a child, with a bright future and family with someone who truly loves her.  Instead, she has to wake up every morning to a little face that doesn’t quite look like her, and whose very expressions, when the light hits her “just right” reminds her of my husband, the relationship, and her status as the one who lost here.  How sad.  No, we are not the same at all.

What is the law for, if not to protect the innocent?


I am in shock.  Utter disbelief.  My heart is heavy, and my faith in the legal system completely shaken.

Before embarking on this post, if you are a new reader, and don’t know the story, here is a recap from an earlier post to get you up to speed.  My husband slept with a psychopathic lunatic whose crazy has impacted our lives over the last 2 years, cost us tens of thousands of dollars to legally protect, and had his baby in order to collect child support/welfare.

I have always been, for one reason or another, a big proponent of justice.  It bothers me immensely to watch injustice happen.  As a child, I would reel over my brother getting away with things, a smirk on his face, my parents blissfully unaware that they had just been taken, the wool pulled tightly over their eyes.  I’d stand there, mouth agape, unable to believe that what I had seen transpire had just transpired.  “How could they be so blind?”. “How could he be so comfortable commiting such acts against innocent people, and have the nerve to be proud of himself, smile about it, and go on?”  I never understood.  I was, and always have been a very law-abiding person, so to see injustice happen yesterday made my blood boil.

Yesterday was a day we’ve waited for for quite some time.  It was the day we were to have my husband’s custody and child support agreement imposed by a judge.  The child support terms had been drafted months ago by our lawyer, but the mistress had disagreed to practically every practical clause, and then requested that others be added which aren’t allowable by law.  For example, she expected my husband to pay an additional $2K per month for childcare, claiming to need a nanny to allow her to go to work/school, and claimed to have racked up over $24K in childcare costs over the last year.  Interestingly enough, she refused to give the identifying details of the childcare provider so that we could investigate the accuracy and truthfulness of her claims.  We are not about to pay $24,000.00 to her while she is receiving free babysitting from her family members.  Apparently, there was no childcare provider last year….she was unable to substantiate it with records, having only handwritten receipts made to two separate individuals whose social insurance numbers she was unwilling to provide.  With all of the ridiculous demands she was making, and her inability to comply with even the most basic and regular of clauses, we had no choice but to take it in front of a judge, and have him/her decide it for us, imposing the terms of the agreement through the law.

We went to court yesterday, which was not at all as I expected it to be.  I’d expected a courtroom, a robed judge, and the opportunity to see the little swindler another time.  Instead, the two lawyers met in the judge’s chambers privately, exiting only to communicate terms with us, asking questions, and then returning for more deliberations.  The mistress sat around the corner, unseen by us, each of us asked to remain out of the sight of the other.  The first thing to come about was a comment by the judge that there are simultaneous lawsuits in progress between us at the same time. There is the issue of child support and custody for which we’d come, but there is also the suit she’d filed for wrongful dismissal, claiming to have been dismissed for having been pregnant, and then a suit she’d filed with the Human Rights Tribunal, claming to have been discriminated against in her job due to pregnancy.  The Human Rights Tribunal was unwilling to hear her case while the wrongful dismissal case was in progress, since both cases deal with the same issue, and it would be a duplication of services.  They’d suggested that once the wrongful dismissal suit was finished, she would then be free to commence the Human Rights issue.   If you haven’t been following the blog, I will tell you that she was NOT dismissed for being pregnant, she was dismissed because in the days following the discovery of the affair, once she’d realized that my husband would not leave his family for her, she started threatening my husband (her employer at the time) with disclosing the affair to his colleagues, and said that this would “cost him his career”. No longer feeling they could have a professional relationship, he terminated her employment.  She launched a lawsuit claiming she was fired for being pregnant, even though she’d worked 8 weeks with him knowing she was pregnant….the pregnancy was never the issue, her behaviour was.

According to the judge, you can’t lawfully settle on one aspect, and then continue to sue someone for other things.  She suggested that all suits be settled immediately.  The mistress agreed to drop her $100,000.00 wrongful dismissal suit, and the upcoming Human Rights complaint for $10K each.  In addition, because my husband’s income went up last year, her proportion of child support also rises, and so we owed her $7K in arrears of payment as we’d been paying her based on 2009 values.  So, as of today, in order to make her go away, we have to pay over $20K.  They ended up reworking the numbers, so that the $10K for each suit was reduced, and then her lawyer asked for her legal fees to be covered by us.  That last part enflames me because her lawyer WORKED FOR FREE.  Her lawyer is a friend of her father’s, a lawyer who had assisted her father in committing fraud many years ago.  We have no doubt that the $13K he is claiming to have charged her in legal fees was never charged to her, or paid.  We are hopeful that he will keep this money, as he has earned it with all of the work he has done, and all of the employees in his firm. But, we aren’t stupid either, and we are quite certain he will give a portion of it to her, asking for it only as a means of providing her a cloaked payment in addition to what she is already receiving.  Our lawyer reassured us that this was actually a very good settlement, as continuing to fight her in court for the other suits was going to cost us in excess of the $20K in settlement costs we are offering.  They signed the papers yesterday, and it is all done.  Or is it?  Part of the agreement included a mutual non-harassment order.  Neither she nor my husband shall annoy or harass the other.  Although my husband and I have NEVER done anything to harass this pathetic little slut, we agreed to the mutual order in order to get her restrained from us.  So hopefully her little antics will now cease, and we can go about our lives in peace, with this sad, pathetic little person being only a monthly cheque and nothing more. We can now begin the healing as we go about our days without emails from lawyers flooding our inbox, detailing the crazy requests, false claims and utter lies of this ridiculous excuse of a person.  We can now resume our regular lives…as they were, sort of anyway.

So why does this bother me?  Well, no one likes shelling out money to someone who doesn’t deserve a red cent of it.  But, given the legal proceeding we just went through with the employment lawyers, and the fact that it was evident that she would lose her case if it ever went to trial, it pains me that we have to pay her in order for her to drop the suit, but only in order to avoid further costs.  Our settlement does not an admission of guilt on our part, as we did nothing wrong, she wasn’t wrongfully dismissed, nor discriminated against because she was pregnant.  But, since her lawyer was costing her nothing, she was free to drag on the legal processses for as long as she wished, something which would have cost us more in the end.  So, essentially, it was “shut up and go away” money.  Money paid to salvage our lives back.  While it hurts the wallet to lose the money, and hurts the heart to know it is going to someone as undeserving as she, I am trying to look at it as a charity payment made to a mentally ill woman who is raising a child by herself…it isn’t helping much, but seeing her as a charity case takes the sting out.

The humour of the day was when she had a freaking screaming hissy fit and embarrassed herself entirely on the courthouse floor.  The sad part is that she probably doesn’t even realize how embarrassing her little act was. It was apparently quite comical, made my husband chuckle quietly in his hallway, and reaffirmed for our counsel that “this woman is a fucking nutcase!”.  I certainly wish I’d been there to see/hear that.  Apparently she was mad because the mutual restraining order didn’t work entirely in her favour, so she decided to scream out ridiculous comments like “he’s a monster!” (referring to my husband whose only “crime” against her has been to not lay eyes on the child she unilaterally decided to have in order to milk us of money), and “He doesn’t pay me ANYTHING!”, negating the fact that she gets over $2K in child support every month), and “he’s never paid for a single thing for his daughter!” (ummmm yeah, see the previous one).  She then started screaming that her daughter was “fatherless”, and would have to be put into therapy due to the neglect, meanwhile I think we can all agree with her, this child WILL need therapy.  She will need therapy because her mother suffers with Borderline Personality Disorder and invited herself into a marriage, slept with a married man, covertly had a relationship and then arranged to have herself knocked up because she saw dollar signs – LOSER.   Just imagining what that must have looked like/sounded like brings the biggest smile to my face.  I mean, I know she is a loser, but that is just utterly funny.  I personally like to tease my husband that he fucked trailer trash.  He agrees, and can’t believe he ever succumbed to such garbage.

I will be updating the blog further with more thoughts on infidelity in general, an unsent letter from me to the mistress, and a general invitation for those who have been hurt by infidelity to share their stories as well.

Robbed


I feel violated.

It is one thing to find out that your husband has had an affair.

It is entirely another thing to find out that your husband has fathered a child with another woman.

The first hurts.  The second enrages you.  How could he have been so stupid?

How do you ever get over an affair when there exists a constant reminder of his infidelity?  You are left to wonder: Does he think of this child?  Does he wish to have a relationship with this child?  Will having a relationship mean that the mistress now has a permanent place in our lives?  Will this child seek out my husband later in life for questions or to seek a relationship?

The reminder isn’t just the emotional reminders I just mentioned, it is also the financial one.  Finding out that your husband, the main provider for your family, is on the hook for child support to another woman is a major source of stress.  When you have your own three children to consider, their lives, their lifestyle, their needs….and that their needs may have to be curbed to allow for the provision for another child not borne to you….it is painful to be a part of.

My husband’s mistress jeered at me over email the night after I’d found out that I would be on the hook for child support too, and that she looked forward to me having to pay for her baby.  Of course, I knew better.  I am not on the hook for anything – this affair had NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.  She laughed that she looked forward to getting a cheque every month, and it made me seethe with anger.  I knew this child was merely a means to a financial payoff at our expense, and in the months that followed, she would prove that her only interest was financial as she worked every possible financial angle to secure herself more support. “I need 3K a month for a nanny, and since he doesn’t have anything to do with the child’s day to day care, I expect him to pay 100% of that so that I can go back to school and get my degree”.  Yeah.  Right.  She recently sent our lawyer a note claiming back-pay for childcare expenses she has incurred while attending school to the tune of $350 per week for 18 weeks, or $6300.00, but then refused to provide the information on the identity or social insurance information for the childcare providers leading us to suspect she has her family caring for her child, but wants us to foot a non-existent bill.

Unfortunately, it has come to the time where a formal support agreement has had to be drafted, approved by the courts and then enforced.  I’ve just discovered that the amount we have been paying her will now triple – yes TRIPLE.  She hasn’t been underpaid, but because my husband’s salary has increased, the proportion of child support she is allowed to receive also goes up, along with a signiicant monthly stipend that she can use towards babysitting and childcare while she goes back to school to complete her degree.  Funny how married wives have to suspend their dreams and scholastic ambitions when they have children because they are now MOTHERS who put their children first. but mistresses who get knocked up on purpose in order to collect money can enroll in whatever programs they wish, and have the babysitting funded.  Nice.

Since the amount of childcare we pay is based on table data, calculated by formulas and schedules, rather than on NEED, I can tell you that she is receiving FAR MORE than what is required to raise a child.  What this means is that the money that should be going to MY CHILDREN, MY FAMILY, OUR LIVES is going to allow her to get her hair done, her nails done, buying her gas, repairing her car, supporting HER lifestyle, and we have no recourse to determine how OUR money is being spent.  Makes me absolutely SICK to my stomach. Most days, I try not to think of it, but with this agreement being drafted this week. I haven’t been very successful in pushing it to the back of my mind.  Instead, I sit here counting pennies as I shop for my kids’ back to school supplies. and have denied myself any new clothes or treats for months because we are strapped.  We never had to live this way before, and it hurts me.  Every time I look in my closet at empty space where clothes SHOULD hang, I am reminded of her.  When I know that I need new shoes, but can’t bring myself to spend because it feels frivolous, I think of her.  When I start considering coupon clipping as a means to save money each month, and start buying generic named products instead of brand names, I think of her.

It isn’t just the child who is a daily reminder…it is the pieces of my only life that remind me every day about how it has had to change in order to accommodate this unwanted leech.  I feel violated, and I am sure she will squeal with delight next month when she gets a 3X larger cheque in the mail.  I want to vomit.

Holes in the legal safety net


With the recent relaunching of the employment claim that my husband wrongfully dismissed his mistress for becoming pregnant by him, we are facing the prospect of having to, for the first time in over a year, see this woman face to face.   The two lawyers will sit face to face with their clients at their sides, and present evidence for their respective sides.  This process, is called a “discovery”, and prospectively will cost us upwards of $25K to defend ourselves.  It needs to be said that she was NOT wrongfully dismissed.  In fact, my husband had contemplated firing her on many occasions, and even hired a lawyer 3-4 months before her child was conceived to draft up an iron-clad employment contract that would protect him.  He told this lawyer that she is crazy, and she has made notes of this.  She has, thankfully, agreed to be a witness for us, and state that he had retained her months earlier to discuss terminating this employee.  That alone, you would think, would be enough to show that she wasn’t fired on a whim, that she wasn’t fired because I told him to fire her, that she wasn’t fired for emotional revenge, and she wasn’t fired because she was pregnant and discriminated against.   She was fired for breaching office confidentiality, and for threatening to use all of the emails of work colleagues to disseminate the news of the affair to my husband’s colleagues.  She was fired with cause, and there is nothing else to it.

The problem is, that it will cost us a lot of money to defend this action, so we have a choice:

  • Pay upwards of $25K to defend ourselves, and if we win, she will have to pay 50-70% of our court costs as the losing side. If we lose, we pay our court costs, 50-70% of hers and a calculated value owing to her for damages.
  • Pay her a settlement fee to have her remove the claim altogether, which would be less than the $25K in court costs
How can our legal system allow for someone to harass and bring ridiculous actions against us, and then rape and pillage us for excessive court fees in defending ourselves?   If we don’t want to defend ourselves at this rate, we simply settle and pay her a lesser fee.  Why is she entitled to anything?  Why should she be able to concoct in her mind a ridiculous scenario that never happened, and then get paid off to be quiet?  Why should she be rewarded for being such a pain in the ass?  Why does this behaviour get rewarded?
It feels like we lose either way, and why should we?  We didn’t DO anything. It is grossly unfair.
Must be nice to have a lawyer who works for free so that you can make up all sorts of ridiculous claims and have the charges covered for you.  Let the other person rack up tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees and then just sit back and smile.  Well, at least I am not raising a baby by myself, and at least I have a husband who loves me and wants to work this through with me.
On a positive note, our lawyer has every confidence that if examined in discovery, that this woman would ultimately fry herself.  She is really emotional. and not terribly rational or smart.  She is explosive and doesn’t think things through.   She contradicts herself at every turn.  That alone would be worth the price of admission.  Bring the popcorn, someone is gonna get fried.

Face to face combat


The herpes outbreak is back folks.  No, I don’t have herpes, but did that get your attention?   A few posts back, I referred to the mistress as “herpes”, because like the actual disease, she seems to crop up every now and then, and never really ever goes away.  Somewhere under the surface, she is always lurking, waiting to strike out and wreak havoc.  Well, she is at it again.

Long story short for those just tuning in:

Mistress works with my husband. They both leave this job and she starts working for him.  They are embroiled in an affair and she gets pregnant.  He had tried to get out of the relationship many times, but things got weird when she started asking for sex at work, and when denied she would go nuts texting him all night and threatening to tell me, to call the police and scream rape, etc.  She was, essentially, emotionally forcing my husband to have sex with her, even when he didn’t want to, in order to draw him into a relationship.  Yes, there were times when he actually wanted to be with her, but many times that he didn’t, and in the last 7 months of a 10 month affair, he no longer wanted it, and her threats manipulated him into carrying on with a relationship he no longer wanted, but maintained out of fear for losing his family and career. She launched an employment claim, stating she was wrongfully dismissed for being pregnant, and also launches a paternity claim with a family lawyer seeking child support.  There, you are up to speed.

With the most recent launch of her new Human Rights claim that she was sexually harassed (hey wait, wasn’t HE the one who was sexually harassed??), and that he abused his power and forced her to have sex with him (anyone who knows my husband knows he can hardly force a fly outside), we have had to resurrect the employment side of this case.  This has meant providing additional monies to the employment lawyers who represent us in the wrongful dismissal claim.  Because the case will have to be decided, the lawyer has suggested that we set a date for “discovery”.  What this means is that both sides need to sit down in a room together with both lawyers, and share each others’ evidence to support their side.  If there is enough evidence on both sides, the case will go in front of a judge.  If she can prove she was fired for being pregnant, it will go to trial.  If, however, she has no proof that she was fired for this reason, they won’t feel the need to go to trial as it is very unlikely that she would win, and they would suggest a settlement perhaps, or that the entire claim be dropped.

My husband in a room with his ex-mistress.  This whole proposition makes me wildly uncomfortable.  I don’t want her beady little eyes eyeing him.  I don’t want her manipulative tactics, her passive-agressive nature, her wildly unpredictable overly-emotional chaos to affect him.  I don’t want him to be hurt, and I don’t want him to be uncomfortable.  I want to be there to physically stand at his side, show him my support, and work through it together, as we have been since the affair was brought to light.  I was told that I wouldn’t be allowed to be present.  I wasn’t part of the business, and had nothing to do with her employment, and besides, she would have to consent to my being there – unlikely.

**Sidenote:  When she realized that he had confessed his affair to me, and I  hadn’t kicked him out, she sent me a bunch of angry and insulting emails, telling me that he didn’t love me, that together they used to make fun of me, and that he thought I was fat, ugly, etc…  In one of her emails she told me that I ought to start working more so that I could increase my salary since I would now be supporting her baby”.  She ended that sentence with the words “Yay me”.

Throughout all of this, the one thought that brings me comfort is a fantasy that I play out in my head.  Because I wasn’t just deceived by my husband, and was also deceived by her, I have a strong core-centered desire to have her know that we are in love, we are happy. we are doing just fine, and she HAS NOT WON.  Nothing bothers her more than to think that she has had no impact.  My fantasy always involves her seeing us together, walking hand in hand, or him professing his love for me in front of her.  She sees it, she hears it, and it is irrefutable.  I know that she knows that she didn’t win – I did.  This is very important for me, because it is my redemption in all of this.

I need this.  I crave this.  I think this will allow me to move forward.  Unfortunately, it looks like I may not have that chance as I am not permitted to be present.  Regardless of whether I am actually given the opportunity to sit in the lawyer’s boardroom and observe the exchange of information, no one will stop me from sitting in the waiting room, or being right outside the door so that when they all emerge, I am the first thing she will see, and you can bet your sweet ass that I will flash my husband a winning smile, give him a supportive kiss on the mouth, take his hand and then walk off with him so she has to watch.  I may even turn around, flash her a smile, and say “Yay me”.

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