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Inside the mind of a mistress


I’ve just spent an hour sitting at the computer watching You Tube.  While seeking out some resources for a member of my local support group that I run, I came across a Dr. Phil episode whose topic was “Inside the mind of a mistress”.  As always, I was intrigued.

Thoughts and comments always welcome.

Parts one and two:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x1ekYBdSNz0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CuPFcODpEfU

 

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Securing your own life mask before assisting other passengers


We have all heard that in-flight message as we are preparing to take off on an airplane.  At first it sounds quite counter-intuitive and selfish to suggest that before we help another passenger, even our own child, that we take care of ourselves first.  After all, society always praises those that help others without consideration of their own safety or circumstances, and here they are asking us to do the opposite.   The fact is, however, that you are much more effective to others when you yourself are taken care of.  You are a better help to more people, and can save more lives if you take a moment to help yourself, and strengthen yourself.  That is what my blog post today is about, in part, as it connects to a big bold move my husband made this week.

I blogged last week about my feelings around my husband’s parents having no idea what happened in our marriage, and the fact that he had fathered a child with another woman.  

The truth is, I have ALWAYS felt a great deal of guilt about them not knowing.  I too, am a parent, and I would want to know if my son was going through a hard time, if his family was in peril, and if I had a secret grandchild.  Keeping this information from them seemed so selfish, but in the early phase of my recovery (the first year at least), I couldn’t invest the emotional energy in worrying about them, their needs, their feelings, or even what was “right”.   My marriage was faltering, and I needed to put on my own oxygen mask and take care of myself before I could consider helping others, or doing the right thing by them.  I had to come first.

As my healing journey has progressed, and I no longer need the spotlight focused on my own needs, I have started to give a lot of thought to those around us.  As my husband’s shame has also subsided over time, and as he has been forced to reveal the truth to others due to the OW’s vengeful behaviours, he has come to realize that his actions won’t necessarily be criticized, and that people do support him, and us.

I sat with my in-laws this week, as we were celebrating my husband’s birthday.  I watched them play with the grandkids, marvelling at the littlest thing that they do, asking questions, trying to be involved.  I saw how the small pleasures of just watching my youngest son in the bathtub brought great joy to my mother-in-law, and made her feel a part of something.  Watching this woman enjoying her only three grandkids, I also felt exceptionally guilty that she has a grandchild she doesn’t know about.  Now, I am not advocating that she needs a relationship with the child – far from it – but I was simply guilt-ridden that we were controlling a knowledge of her life that we have no right to control.  She has every right to know that she has kin.  Keeping that from her felt like I was playing G-d, and I felt guilty.

I have three sons.  I have never had, nor will I ever have a daughter.  My husband is an only child, and had no sisters.  His father often talked about how much he had wanted to have a girl, especially when were were growing our family, and I kept birthing boys 🙂  I think that being a male, and having a male son, he longed for the feminine, the delicate, that something sweet.  The OW had once emailed me antagonizing me over email about how unfortunate it was that I wasn’t able to give my husband the daughter that she was.   It’s funny now, in retrospect, that her tone implied something broken in me that wasn’t broken in her because she bore him a daughter.  Does she not know that the male sperm actually determine the gender of a baby, not the woman?  Anyway, since this isn’t a biology lesson, I digress… Knowing how much my FIL wanted a girl, it felt even more inappropriate for me to hold back the information that he actually HAD ONE in his lineage.  Once again, we were playing G-d with the information we withheld.

After my blog post about secrecy last week, my husband became upset.  He thought my post was ill-timed, as it was the day before his birthday, and for whatever reason, the post upset him, as if the material was new to him and came out of left field.  Rather, it was information we have discussed many times, and spending time with his mother the day prior had unearthed the feelings of guilt again.  I posted because the guilt was fresh and the topic relevant to what I was feeling at the time.  It wasn’t a way to lash out at my husband the day before his birthday…in fact I don’t think I lashed out at all.

When he read my blog, he angrily said that he would tell his father this week, and his mother the next.  I knew it was his anger talking, but I said “good”, because whether he was angry or not, it was the right thing to do.

He had a belated-birthday dinner with his father two days later, and I reminded him before he left the house of his intention to tell his father.  I wasn’t sure if he actually would, and truthfully, I assumed deep down that he would return home later that night with an excuse for why tonight wasn’t the right night, and a plan to delay this talk to a “better time”.  To my surprise, when I asked him about it the next morning, it turns out he had told him.  The two of them sat at dinner, and my husband revealed to his father that he had had an affair with a crazy woman, and that it has produced a child.  I was completely surprised that he had told him, and simultaneously completely proud of him.

I think it is always hard to own a mistake.  I think it is even harder when the mistake is of this magnitude, and harder still when you are telling someone whose relationship you value, and whose approval you bask in.  My husband is an only child of two divorced parents.  He is the golden child to both, and they hold him in very high esteem.  Now, it must be reiterated that my FIL was a serial adulterer.  He had several mistresses over the years of his marriage, and while his marriage ultimately disintegrated, he will tell  you to this day that his affairs were caused by his wife.  It was her lack of respect for him.  It was her lack of spontaneity.  It was her lack of sexual attention.  It was her lack of trust in him.  It was her lack of ___________.  Regardless of what it was, it was HER FAULT.  She was likely fed this information as well, when the affairs became known to her, and it likely stunted her healing.  In fact, she has never healed, and it has helped shape her.

My husband didn’t want to tell his father.  Perhaps he was afraid of falling from grace with his dad.   Perhaps, as he told me, he was worried about his father blaming me, as he had blamed his own wife over the years.  Perhaps he was worried that his father would now want a relationship with the child and the OW, and that it would open the door to a connection between our family and the OW.  Whatever his worry, he took the step in telling his dad, and from what little I know of what transpired and was said, it was positive.  Being a cheater himself, I don’t think he could ever find fault with his son, or see him as faulty.  If anything, he may blame me, or make assumptions that I am not a good wife, or that I don’t meet his son’s needs.  Truthfully, it doesn’t at all matter what he thinks.  His father hasn’t liked me since we were married almost 13 years ago, and I haven’t seen him in almost three years.  I could not care less what interpretation he holds, or what he thinks.  It doesn’t at all change what I know to be true.

I am proud of my husband for taking that step.  At first, I thought that the unburdening by telling his family was a step in the path of MY healing. I now think that it really is a step in the path of HIS.  He attended the “Man of Honour” weekend in May, and they talked about integrity and character.  How can you be a man of character and integrity while holding information from others that is their right to know, just to save yourself?  After all, on March 19th, 2010, he confessed his affair to me with the preface that he could no longer allow me to live my life not having the accurate truth about my own life.  He felt it was wrong to hold back information of this significance from me, and that he felt guilty watching me live my life blind to the information.  How was this different from his parents then?  Was he not holding a secret from these others who also had a right to know that they have a grandchild?  Was that not considered important information that they have a right to know?   It felt the same to me.

For now, he hasn’t told his mother, and I am still hopeful that he will be able to find a way to tell her that won’t compromise her health or cause her to suffer a mental decline.  It is one step at a time, but I think they are steps in the right direction, and for that I am proud of him.

 

Support from one's father

Support from one’s father

You can’t thwart crazy


Those who know my story know that I will have the ow in our lives for the next 20 years while child support is payable. It’s quite a life sentence, no? I’m doing the best I can.

I read an email tonight which serves as a reminder that although I can change my perspective on the ow and her particular brand of crazy, I’ll never stop it. I can only change my reaction.

Her most recent email to our lawyer reads:

dear lawyer,

Below is a copy of an email received from __________ Daycare indicating man’s January cheque was returned NSF. Lawyer, not only only are his payments to both myself and the daycare consistently late they are now being returned insufficient funds. It appears your client wishes to have these matters handled by a collection agency or through additional court enforcement as he is blatantly disrespecting the Courts Orders. Further the February support payment to myself AND February payment to __________ Daycare has not been received.

Further I understand he continues his ongoing abusive and neglectful behavior towards his children. Kindly remind your client all documentation he provided to me prior to Jan 2012 was not confidential as was all information he has publicly provided since then. This includes but is not limited to documentation whereby he stated his wife’s negligent parenting was the cause of his eldest sons seizure at a theme park. allowing his youngest son to consume alcohol, intentionally neglecting his children’s needs to satisfy his sexual needs, documenting a very recent incident and more. He is aware of all of the information he has documented for at least four years now regarding his abusive and neglectful behavior toward his children. As you are aware the courts have already removed all of his rights to his youngest child, based on his abuse and violence.

Your cooperation in addressing these matters in a timely matter is appreciated.

Many thanks,

Ummm ok. Each year she is given monthly post dated cheques. She has them all in advance. How can they be late?

The courts removed his rights to the child he fathered with her? Ummm I think the technical term there that she is missing is that he “revoked” his rights and gave her full custody.

In the spirit of me embracing a new outlook on her, it is obvious she is suffering. She feels sad that her child doesn’t have a father and so she paints a picture that shows he was denied rights because the truth that he revoked them and hasn’t shown interest hurts too much. She still feels the need to lash out at me, referencing an once sent from 2005, four years before they met when my son suffered from heat stroke while at a theme park with my husband. Yup, I wasn’t even there. I was looking after his little 6 week old brother at the time. Interesting and creative spin, although quite inaccurate. Interesting to me how she always paints my husband as “abusive” in her emails. Claims that he abuses his children are completely false and out of character. I have to wonder if she needs to paint him this way to reduce her own pain about his being absent from her daughter’s life? It’s amazing what the mind can do. Don’t get me started on the comment that we let our baby drink. She’s living in a reality show crazier than Jersey Shore.

I can only offer her peace and healing, and the hope that she finds happiness. Maybe then, she won’t feel the need to spew these lies to protect herself from her pain. God help her.

Drip…drip…drip…The danger of the “trickle-truth”


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Trickle-truth: A phenomenon whereby an individual who has betrayed their partner reveals the complete truth s little at a time, as opposed to all at once.

You either have a denier, a gusher or a trickler. A denier will deny the affair is happening, and make you feel like you are going crazy, filling you with self-doubt. A gusher will explode with all of the truth right away, whether they were caught or whether they willingly disclosed. A trickler, on the other hand, reveals information slowly, over time, possibly telling lies to conceal certain aspects of the truth until they are ready to let them out in a slow and controlled way, thereby delaying the betrayed partner from having the “complete truth” for some time.

Do you have a denier, a gusher or a trickler?

I had a gusher, and I am thankful.

First of all, I should back up one step. Before the truth can come out or be received, the betrayed partner needs to decide at what pace they wish to receive the truth, and how much detail they want/need. Not everyone needs or wants the details. I am NOT one of those people. I wanted to know as much about the affair as my husband did. I didn’t like knowing that another woman knew more into that window of his life than I did, and so I set out to see the affair through his eyes, to share in the details and not feel as though I was left out. So, for me, having a gusher was a good thing.

Aside from complete denial of the events, trickle-truths have to be the most damaging thing to the healing process, second only to finding out that your affair never ended, after being told it had (but that is another blog post for another day). And so I write this blog post for the spouse who betrayed. Yes, you…I am talking to YOU this time.

Being betrayed hurts. It hurts like hell. There is no greater hurt imaginable. Whether you were discovered accidentally, or whether you came clean and told your partner you had an affair, the simple fact is that you committed a crime against your marriage, and have changed your spouse forever. The hurt that comes from the betrayal of the most intimate part of your life is intense. But what carries more weight than the details of your behaviour during your affair are the details of the behaviours you exhibit AFTER disclosure. Whether you are aiming to reconcile or whether you are headed towards separation or divorce, your partner is going to want to know what happened. BEing cut out of someone else’s life, and having a secret life outside of them is hard to wrap your head around. When your whole world comes crashing down, and you are given the devastating news, you really do start to question what was ever “real” in your life. In order to make sense of the information, many betrayed spouses find themselves asking a ton of questions designed to pieve together the puzzle, create a timeline of events, and make sense of what happened. It isn’t enough to know that you cheated. We want to know where, when, how often, with whom, in what way, what you did, and most of all WHY you did it. We want to know if she was prettier than us, if she was smarter, if she was better in bed, if she was thinner, if she made you laugh more, if she was….better. Whether you are uncovered or disclosed, your opportunity for some sort of redemption is NOW. You are already found-out, you really have nothing else to lose. So, why do the trickle-truth way of concealing certain details, only to reveal them later? Don’t you know that is more hurtful to us? All you are doing when you do that is protecting yourself, and once she realizes you aren’t being forthcoming, she will see that you are once again thinking only of NUMERO UNO, and not putting her needs first.

I know that you feel ashamed. Maybe you feel angry because your secret has been uncovered, and you feel like you can no longer partake in your extra-marital activity. Regardless, all you want is for it all to go away. If you could snap your fingers and make her “reset”, whereby she is aware of the affair, but never raises it, doesn’t cry, doesn’t ask questions, doesn’t hold it over you, and doesn’t threaten to leave…I bet you’d snap those fingers. I know that anytime I’ve felt shame, I’ve just wanted to hide and come out when it is safe, has blown over, and people have forgotten about it. I get it. But, let’s face it, you did something pretty vile, and you need to take responsibility for your actions and the hurt they have caused. Telling the truth is only part of what is necessary, so I start there.

When your hurt partner asks you for the truth, they want it. They NEED it. You hold the key to their healing, and if you deny them the truth, you deny them healing, or at best, you delay their healing. Neither are good options. I firmly believe that people ask questions at the time when they are ready to receive them. In the case of infidelity, I think this is an exception to that rule. Sometimes a partner asks for the truth, demanding it immediately, only to discover that they aren’t emotionally ready to process what has been offered. The betrayed spouse has a responsibility in asking ONLY THOSE QUESTIONS THAT THEY ARE PREPARED TO HEAR THE ANSWERS TO. You will need to talk together about how fast and how much, but just knowing that you are giving it ALL to her/him at the speed at which S/HE needs to hear it is so comforting.

I look at it this way: The affair was a wall between you and your spouse. Your activities were completely hidden behind the wall. When the affair was blown open, it threw open a window between you and your spouse. She can see you, and you can see her. She might even be able to climb through the window to meet you on the other side. But, each time you tell the truth in a way that shows her that you concealed it previously, the window closes by an inch. With each concealed lie slowly making its way to truth, the window openings gets smaller and smaller until you find yourselves on two opposite sides of the window, unable to cross through to the other person. Your window, right after the affair is the widest it will ever be. Keep it that way by telling the truth as you are asked. Each time you do, the truth helps prop the window open, making it more likely that you can 1. See each other better, and 2. One of you will make the overture to join the other on their side.

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It sounds silly, but in the wake of my husband’s affair, while I was reeling in pain, the one thing I could feel comforted by was knowing that although it felt I had momentarily lost him to the other team, knowing that the truth was given freely each time I asked felt like he was coming back to mine. Knowing that I could access the information that I needed whenever I needed it, allowed me to feel as though I was strangely in control of something. When you learn of your partner’s affair, suddenly you are strapped into a roller coaster ride that you never intended to board, and you feel as though your life has run away with you, and you aren’t in control of anything. Your partner cheated, perhaps the other party is making demands or acting like a nuisance…either way, you feel out of control. Having the information as I needed it allowed me to feel some small semblance of being in control of my self.

For me, I wanted the information right away. I told my husband to give it all to me at once. When he disclosed, I felt as though my world was pulled out from under my feet. I had fallen down, and getting up felt like an insurmountable task. The last thing I wanted was to stand up, knowing the truth I had, bearing weight on my legs again, only to have them swept out from under me again with some new unexpected information. I wanted it all at once – quick – like a bandaid. I figured: “knock me down, beat me up, kick me while I am down here. But, so help me God, if I have to get up and be knocked down again….I don’t think I will get up the next time”.

My husband was forthcoming with the information I needed. It was one of the factors that allowed him to restore my trust in him. Had he withheld, told me slowly, or concealed further, it would have added insult to injury. It would have left me feeling as though he didn’t respect me enough to tell me the truth. It is one thing to conceal an affair when it is a secret. It is entirely another to be given a chance to come clean by someone who is begging you for the truth, and then deny it knowing how much it means to them. When you are in the affair, you can rationalize why s/he doesn’t need to know. You can justify your actions and secrecy by saying that she wouldn’t want to know. But when s/he stands in front of you, a broken person, and begs you to tell the truth, and you don’t….on purpose…you are simply someone holding onto a large cold glass of water, and depriving the parched and dehydrated person in front of you from taking a sip.

Now, if you are the betrayed spouse, there is a way to minimize trickle-truth. Remember, that trickle-truth tends to happen because the unfaithful partner feels scared and ashamed. They are less apt to tell you the complete truth if they think it will harm them (you will walk out, you will threaten to take the kids, you will divorce them), or if they think you will use whatever information they provide as ammunition against them later. Remember that you too have a role here, and that is that if you are going to ask for the information, you have to promise to use it internally only, for your own knowledge, and that you won’t turn it around and use it as poison. No one will offer you a vial of poison if they think you are going to turn around and pour it down their throat. Reassure your partner of why you want to know, and that you won’t hurt them with the information. Reassure them that although it might hurt YOU like hell, that you will do your best to process the information that comes in a way that is healthy and helpful to both of you.

Being betrayed hurts. Being deceived after the betrayal is uncovered is just further disrespect. You don’t have to spill it all in one episode, but the simple act of reassuring the betrayed spouse that you will do your best to give her the information as you remember it, when asked, is a huge step forward and earns big points.

Betrayed spouses: Be prepared for some of the answers that you do get to be “I don’t remember”. This is especially true if the unfaithful spouse is male. Men simply don’t remember the details the way us women do. We remember what he was wearing, what cologne he had on, whether it was breezy out…he simply doesn’t look for, appreciate, or need that detail in order to live his life, so he may not have made that mental note. But, don’t fret, those memories can come back, if they are given time to percolate. The important thing is that the unfaithful spouse doesn’t start creating details that weren’t accurate simply for the purpose of ‘having an answer’. That helps no one, and can do more harm than good. If you don’t know – say so. If you spontaneously remember in a few days, gently remind your partner that you’ve had a breakthrough memory of the events s/he was asking about, and ask when it would be a good time to share it.

Healing can only begin once the truth is known. Finding out weeks or months later that the “truth” you thought you had wasn’t the truth at all can cause significant setbacks in healing. If you want to move forward to a place where forgiveness is possible, a place where she doesn’t “bring it up anymore”, where she doesn’t “ask anymore questions”, and where the affair no longer dominates discussion, remember that truth now brings healing later. Truth later, brings healing even later. In a nutshell: You need to sit in the shit before you can get out and towel off. Be willing to jump in.

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Dealbreakers


When something traumatic happens to us, our world shatters.  What we knew before is now changed, and we question what we ever saw as “truth”.  Many of us struggle with the idea of what we could have possibly “done” to have “deserved” what happened to us.  The simple truth is that none of us brought upon ourselves the circumstances that led to our suffering, and we aren’t karmic collateral damage.  We are victims of the unfortunate and stupid, careless and hurtful actions of someone who vowed to protect us.

Today, while at the support group that I lead for betrayed spouses, we talked about our respective “deal-breakers”.  Each of us took our turn sharing what, for us, would be the ultimate deal breaker in our recovery.  For some, it was that their wayward spouse seek and attend therapy.  For others, it was that the wayward spouse grant the hurting spouse the opportunity to seek and receive support from others outside of the marriage.  For me, it was an interesting question to ponder, as I don’t think I ever had one dealbreaker.  For me, having the affair was supposed to be the dealbreaker.  I was “supposed” to walk away from my marriage, kick my husband out on his ass, and get on with my life.  Wasn’t that, after all, how I said it would be when he and I would talk about infidelity?  Isn’t that what I had vowed I would do?  Why then, did I not do it?  What was my dealbreaker???

In the wake of my husband’s affair, the deal breaker became whether he was going to support me or not.  Would he blame me?  Dealbreaker.  Would he find ways that I led him to, and threw him into an affair through my actions, our marriage, or my lack of je-ne-sais-quoi?  Dealbreaker.  Would he refuse to listen to me when I cried, or deny me the compassionate ear, the receptive shoulder?  Dealbreaker.  Would he tell me that I raise the affair too often?  Fail to look inside himself at what he was lacking and how his own issues led him down that path?  Restrict me from seeking support, prevent me from telling those I needed to, deny me the right to be angry, pick on him when I needed to, or just cry spontaneously in every-day moments becoming embarrassed by my reaction?  All dealbreakers.   I came to realize, as I drove home from the support group, that I have no ONE dealbreaker.  They were ALL dealbreakers.  For me, the dealbreaker was in preventing me the opportunity to be a victim, and to play that out in whatever way I needed to at the time.  I needed my husband to give me complete permission to say, do, seek anything that I needed at any time in the name of supporting me as a victim of his crime (an affair is not a mistake, after all, it is a CRIME against the marriage – thank you Anne Bercht).  If my husband had not allowed me to complete immerse myself in whatever I needed at whatever time, in order to allow me to wallow in my victim role, it would have been a dealbreaker for me.   I needed to be a victim, and I needed  him to honour that need, and to allow me to play that role.  It played out differently from day to day, but I needed it, and he gave me that.

The truth is, my husband completely owned what he did, and never made an issue of me seeking what I needed.  The only “restriction” he ever placed on me was the decision to talk together about who I was going to tell, and to be mutually comfortable with the idea of doing so.  I came to realize that by announcing my husband’s infidelity to anyone who would listen, I was bringing embarrassment to him, and I needed to be careful of who I told.  I had told a few friends, but I haven’t told all of my friends.  There are some couples that we hang out with who have no idea, and would likely be shocked.  I didn’t want to cause my husband pain and suffering, and so I chose to respect his privacy, and we would decide together who “needed to know”.  His parents don’t know.  Our neighbours don’t know.  Many of his colleagues who are close friends don’t know. The good news is that I no longer NEED to tell them, the way I once thought I did.  I don’t need the support anymore.  I do feel, sometimes as though I am living an unauthentic relationship with them, with them not knowing this significant story in our lives, but there are many things we don’t know about one another’s pasts, and we can still be friends.  Maybe some day we will feel the need to tell them, and we will decide that together.

Going forward in my healing, I had to make the choice to continue wallowing in my victim role, feeling sad, helpless, pathetic, sorrowful and pitied, or whether I wanted to stand up, shake off the past, and learn from it with my eyes on the future.  Was I going to be defined by this?  Would this become the headline of my life?  I didn’t want this to be the most defining thing that had ever happened to me.  I didn’t want it to be the most significant (albeit in a bad way) thing that had ever crossed my path.  I wanted to be a victor in my life, not a victim.  I have influence over how my life will turn out, and although I can’t, and could not at the time, control my husband’s behaviour and choices, I do control mine.  I chose to be a victor in my life, and to no longer be defined by this horrible trauma that had been dumped in my lap.

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Was does being a victor look like?  Well, for some of us, it will mean having the courage to leave a spouse who isn’t supportive, and who isn’t remorseful, and who refuses to face his actions.  It will mean harnessing the courage to be on our own for the first time in a long time.  It will mean standing up and starting over. For others, it will mean facing the task of rebuilding our marriage, despite the obstacles that lie ahead, living with the constant reminder in your face, and choosing to fight for something we feel has value left.  For all of us, regardless of whether we keep our marriage or let it go, it will mean finding a new “us”.  Many of us get so caught up in who we are as a spouse, that we forget who we were as a person before we became a couple.  It will mean having two feet solidly on ground, and no longer being lulled into the false sense of security that comes with the belief that “this will never happen to me”.  We now know that that is a lie, and it does not serve us.  Perhaps being a victor is choosing to live our lives to the best we can, with or without the one we married, in the hopes of finding true happiness within ourselves, through activities we enjoy, friendships we cherish, and new skills we want to learn.  Perhaps being a victor just means standing up, after being kicked down by this trauma, or waking up every morning with a willingness to give this day our best shot.  Sometimes we will win at the day, and other days we won’t, but we will have tried.  Maybe that is being a victor.

And so the question:  What is YOUR dealbreaker?

How could he do this to me, and claim to love me?


Often times,  I hear betrayed spouses say “How could my spouse have done this to me?”, and “S/he must have known this would devastate me, how could s/he do this on purpose?”, or ” S/he says s/he never stopped loving me, despite having had an affair.  How do you love someone and simultaneously hurt them so deeply?  How is that loving??”

Those statements are familiar, not only because I have heard them time and time again from wounded spouses, betrayed by their partners, but also because I too have asked EACH ONE OF THOSE QUESTIONS at one time or another.

The pain of infidelity brought on by a spouse’s affair has been described as one of the worst emotional traumas that a person can experience.  If you just caught yourself debating that statement in your mind, and posing death as a more painful trauma, you’d be close, but wrong.  In death, those left behind, except in the case of suicide, know that the person who left them did not do so on purpose.  In an affair, the person who suffers the loss is caused to suffer due to the purposeful actions of another, worse still by the person who vowed to protect their hearts forever.  It is a truly indescribable loss and betrayal that you simply can’t fathom or appreciate unless it happens to you.  When someone causes you to suffer such pain on purpose, and with intent, the damage is really immense.

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Of course, upon discovery of the affair, the first thing we wrestle with is the dissonance that arises when we consider that this pain was caused intentionally through the purposeful behaviour of someone we love, and who purports to love us.  “How can someone love me, and do something so ugly to me?”.   The simple fact is, affairs are completely selfish acts, where the person embroiled in the affair is NOT thinking of you, the pain their actions will cause you, the consequences of their actions, or whether they should reconsider in light of your feelings.  They are motivated completely selfishly by the benefits that the affair brings THEM.  For the time being, the world is revolving around them, and for a brief time, you do not exist.  Hurtful to think, but completely true based on the many reports from wayward spouses who report their experience. Affairs satisfy an emotional gap left open by vulnerabilities in the wayward spouse’s world.  Passed up for a promotion, the loss of a parent, a recent move, addition of a new baby into the home, these experienced, not dealt with and perhaps even minimized in the mind of the wayward spouse, grow and are soon tenderly placated and soothed by the adoring and admiring words of another, who reflects back to him/her the reflection of themselves they wish to project.  The affair partner, then, becomes a mirror to the wayward spouse, reflecting back only those positive qualities in themselves, and none of the stressors and reality that come with real life.  It is a fantasy and it feels really good.  It feels so good in fact, the wayward spouse starts to seek it out, the thrill like a drug, the  fringe benefits well worth the effort to cover it up and hide it.  Who the affair partner is, what s/he looks like, how they perform in bed, what they say and do don’t really matter – it’s how those things made your partner FEEL that made the difference, and I can guarantee that while they were deep in the throes of self-esteem-seeking, they were not thinking about you, your pain, the possible outcome.  They were selfishly only thinking of themselves.  It is akin to a drug addict, who just needs a hit – the tunnel vision showing them only the drug, the finish line, the goal.  Everything else falls outside the line of focus, at least for now.  So, when a spouse says, “I wasn’t trying to hurt you”, s/he probably wasn’t.  What s/he WAS trying to do was unhurt themselves, and you were collateral damage.

One of the things that used to drive me INSANE in the wake of my husband’s affair was that he used to say “I never stopped loving you”.  Knowing that my husband had been intimate with another woman made me feel as unloved as a human could possibly feel.  I had no value, no worth.  I wasn’t worth loving if he chose to do that to me.  I was unworthy.  Claiming that he never stopped loving me felt like a slap in the face each time he said it.  He’d say it with a expectant tone, as if I would hear it and magically understand that he was right, and I shouldn’t hurt over it.  PARDON ME???!!  How do you claim to love someone so deeply while thrusting your penis into another woman?  How do you love me while creating false email addresses to hide your tracks and telling the other woman that you love her?  “How is that loving me?”, I’d thought.  He would explain it as “compartmentalization”….that he had an ability to put me and our family out of his mind completely when he was with the other woman.   When he’d start to feel guilty, he would justify why he deserved this, why it was OK, and even why he thought I would be ok with it (yes, he rationalized that one).  He wasn’t thinking of me while he was with her. He had his phone turned off, and he was disconnected from us.  It was weird to consider that notion, because part of me wanted him to be thinking of me, and the other part didn’t.  If he was thinking of me, then I held at least an equal share of the OW’s power, I’d think.  However, if he was thinking of me, it also meant he was doing this to me with willful knowledge of me, consciously.  It was a lose-lose, and I hated it.  It was only once I had the opportunity to sit and talk with Brian Bercht of Passionate Life Seminars, and his description of what was going through his mind, that I realized that it was possible and that my husband “may” be accurately describing his experience, and not lying about it.  That was a big step forward for me.

It is hard to imagine, but our husbands don’t think of us during every moment of every day. I like to think that he does, and often play the playful “Did you think about me today?” game when we finally connect after work over the phone or in person.  Of course, then I want to know how often, what he thought…he just can’t report that because he doesn’t remember and just doesn’t think of me as often as I would like to think that he does.  He certainly wasn’t thinking of me when he was seeking her out, and if I popped to mind, I was rationalized away pretty fast.  It is amazing what the mind can do, and what you can allow yourself to do, and focus on, at the expense of all else.

We would like to think the pain the affair would cause US would have been a deterrent to the affair.  It simply isn’t.  The pull towards filling whatever that gap is, is so strong, that it trumps all things.  It is pure selfishness, unbridled.  They seek only to satisfy themselves, without thought or consideration of other people.   It’s the same reason why knowing that sex can lead to STD’s and unwanted pregnancy doesn’t stop horny teenagers from engaging in unprotected sex – the urge to fulfill their own immediate need blinds them, and their tunnel vision shows only the reward, not the sacrifices along the path.  It is the same situation that arises when one, addicted to food and what the food represents for them, gorges themselves with it, knowing full well that it is making them sick.  They do it anyway, because for the time being, it feels good.  The guilt will come later, but it will be rationalized away…”that’s the LAST time…”, or “I just needed it this one time because…”

Nothing set me off more than when my husband would say to me “I never stopped loving you”.  It was such a slap in the face, in the aftermath of the affair.  How dare he put a tender word like “LOVE” into his affair?  How dare he equate loving me with betraying me?!!?  It made no sense and would anger me incessantly.  He just didn’t understand why I would become so enraged when he’d say that.  He really believed it to be true and was trying to make me feel better.  So why wasn’t it working?  My next post will highlight how I showed him through a simple exercise why, and why he never said those words to me again.  Loving me was no longer part of that equation, and showing me how he loved me from that day forward was going to make the difference.

Stay tuned.

Gender differences healing from an affair


It’s amazing to me. Men and women heal differently and draw different conclusions from the affairs of their partners, and yet we all have the same basic needs: love, support, reassurance that we are chosen and worth loving, patience, time, and honesty.

Here is a link to some information on how men can heal from the affairs of their wives and links to the audio from some teleseminars on the topic.

when men heal from their wives’ affairs

Gender differences healing from an affair


It’s amazing to me. Men and women heal differently and draw different conclusions from the affairs of their partners, and yet we all have the same basic needs: love, support, reassurance that we are chosen and worth loving, patience, time, and honesty.

Here is a link to some information on how men can heal from the affairs of their wives and links to the audio from some teleseminars on the topic.

when men heal from their wives’ affairs

Resurrecting the psycho…she’s BACK!


Tell me I am misdirecting my anger. Tell me that my anger and hostility towards the OW is inappropriate. I dare you.

Wednesday morning, October 31st, my husband received the following email to his inbox. It came from his lawyers office. In his lawyer’s absence (she was in court apparently), the legal assistant forwarded to him the following email, received from the OW the day prior (names have been removed):

(It needs to be mentioned here that in the weeks following up to the receipt of this email, the psycho crazy whore discovered that legally, she was entitled to no additional money this year, over and above the amount she was given last year, after a financial review was completed on her daughter’s birthday, October 20th. Upset and likely angry at this reality, she lashed out with the email below) My clarification points are in bold italics.

Dear Lawyer,
The Corporate financial statement you have provided (which is currently under review) does not include financials for (husband’s) additional Professional Corporation and business accounts for which (husband) himself has already provided documentation of its existence. When do you anticipate forwarding that information?
(Read: I want more money, which is the only reason I had this kid I never wanted in the first place)
(There are no additional corporations in his name. He has not provided documentation of their existence. They don’t exist)

Please inform your client third parties have reported acquiring documentation of your client and his wife’s ongoing sexually deviant obsession with me. It appears the Family are so delusional in the false reality in which they have created (& force their sons) to live in, that they choose to ignore the fact that the entire downtown core has cameras to capture harassing behaviour and their digital imprint is unique. Your client has put both me and his daughter in danger by publicly providing our home address, telephone number & email address on multiple occasions. Further, the attacks by (husband) on me professionally have been well documented for years. It appears He has made it his personal mission to discredit me professionally since signing the Order in January. Third parties are understandably (given Husband’s violent history) terribly concerned for (daughter’s) safety and my own. Should they choose to provide evidence of Husband’s ongoing harassing behaviors to the appropriate authorities, governing bodies, Government agencies, Husband’s workplace, the university, and the taxation offices to protect (daughter) and I from Husband that is their choice. I have no control over others actions and I do not communicate about Husband in any way. Further, the fact that Husband a 45 year old man, regularly & voyeuristically views online photographs of his female child Nicole is widely regarded as pedophilic in nature.
Let it be known that statements of cameras capturing activities downtown are ridiculous and speak to a paranoia or mental illness. As someone with significant mental illness training, this wreaks of paranoid schizophrenia. There is no harassing behaviour being captured on any close circuit television cameras anywhere. Her desire for us to be interested in her astounds me. We aren’t interested sweetheart. Get over it. Not only has my husband not discredited her professionally, he has made no contact with her whatsoever. My husband’s violent history??? What violent history? He hasn’t spoken with you since March 21st, 2010….not an email, letter, voicemail, or otherwise. Violent tendencies? Riiiiiight. It may be of interest to readers to know that the order between them contains a non-harassment clause that they may not harass one another. What does the sending of this letter consist of? Harassment, yes. In addition, the order also stipulates that they may not speak of the relationship to third parties, and that third parties are also restricted from discussing the relationship or compromising the other. Her intentional statement of “I don’t speak about him, but I can’t control what ‘my friends’ do” is threatening to breach the order and be in contempt of court.

Please be advised I continue to abide by the Order and do not discuss Husband or this matter in any way, however I am incapable of turning my ears and eyes off when third parties provide documentation regarding Husband’s ongoing obsession with me.
And what third parties are these? Last time we checked, you don’t have any friends to speak of.

Additionally may I remind you that prior to January 2012, all information pertaining to Husband’s affair with me, our daughter, his out of control mental illness, his years of harassment, violence, misogynistic and sexually deviant behavior towards his daughter and myself, his attacks on his wife, and his own acknowledgment of his questionable reporting to the CRA and copies of said information was not confidential.
Oh the attacks feel good don’t they? Claiming my husband has a mental illness. Projection much? He hasn’t had years of harassment towards anyone, isn’t violent or misogynistic in any way. There is NO deviant sexual behaviour towards his daughter – he has never met her. He does not attack me, and has never falsified his taxes. He is an honest man with a good heart who made a mistake. Sounds like someone is feeling sad that they weren’t the ultimate winner here. The very fact that a mother places her daughter in a position within her own mind of being someone’s sexual prey, is, in and of itself, morally reprehensible. You sick fuck.

I had sincerely hoped at this point your client would move on with his life and stop dangerously imposing himself on mine. However given the overwhelming amount of evidence of his harassing actions since January 2012 (what evidence is that you speak of?), it is clear Husband is incapable of doing so. In fact his obsession with us seems to have escalated. It has been noted that Husband’s public behavior clearly supports his self reported alcoholism (really? that one is kind of funny) and unstable mental illness (here comes the projected mental illness again) which reportedly appears to cycle every 25-30 days between manic hypersexual delusional acts of grandeur and depressive, retaliatory, violent acts against me and (daughter) (I’d like to know how a man who has never seen this child, nor laid eyes on you since March 19th, 2010 has engaged in violent acts against you?) . Need I remind you reportedly your client, in December 2011 tweeted online a request for his I Phone to perform oral sex on him and in June 2012 reportedly posted a photograph online of a hotel room bed with 3 champagne glasses (which I understand third parties assumed belonged to him, me and his wife). Perhaps your client’s self acknowledged mental illness (again with the mental illness???) prevents him from realizing how disturbing and perverse this behaviour is to all everyone with Internet access who views it.
I should clarify here that the iphone oral sex reference and the champagne glasses do have a basis in reality, but have been quite skewed.
Reference 1: When my husband first got his iPhone 4S, we discovered Siri, the voice-recognition assistant that learns your needs and answers your questions. Many people had asked Siri to marry them, and received hilarious replies. We took it a step futther, and I asked my husband to ask her for a blowjob. When he did, her reply was that he’d better check with me first. I found that hysterical and tweeted it, or Facebook-posted it – I can’t recall which. Either way, the fact that she saw it proves that she is still stalking me online, and in doing so, is breaching the court order that she would no longer do that.
Reference 2: In June 2012, I traveled to San francisco with my family. Upon arrival, my friend who is local, had left us a bottle of champagne and two glasses, along with some treats for my kids. It was a great welcome gift. I tweeted or Facebook-posted (can’t recall) how fortunate I felt to have such wonderful friends who would do something so kind. In the posting, I’d included an image of the glasses, and likely the hotel room fell into the background. Correction: There were two glasses, not three, and she was never invited 😉

Your client’s ongoing obsession with me is disturbing. I now sincerely believe His terrifying January 2010 email to me whereby he stated “My dear sweet (name withheld), you are the glue that keeps my marriage together. Without your joyful free spirit in my life I would be unhappy and forced to focus on my miserable marriage to my selfish wife. I need you in my life to be happy. You can’t ever leave me. I won’t let you”.
This email was completely fabricated. He has never written that email. It doesn’t even make sense. Since when does side-pussy become the glue that holds a marriage together? This was written for one intention: so that I would read it and get worried. Just another attempt to drive a wedge.

Lawyer, I respectfully ask that you please advise your client to get over our affair and move on with his life. We had sex for a year which resulted in the single greatest joy I have ever known, our beautiful daughter. His ongoing attacks, harassment and obsession with us are criminal. He is endangering the safety of his own child and me. I sincerely hope he can one day make peace with the fact that [he has a]daughter and we can move forward in a positive manner towards the best interests of (daughter).
Maybe someone, in the “best interest of her daughter should spend more time parenting her, instead of sending completely bogus, vitriolic emails, designed to cause further harm to a family who has been through enough. Perhaps she should focus her energies there.

Separately, I may be required to work extra hours over the coming months. Please advise Husband I will forward all receipts for additional daycare costs incurred or documentation from Daycare if try are able to accommodate. I will also provide documentation supporting the hours worked.
More money, more money, more money.

Given the fact that it is your client who has intentionally dragged matters on by breaching the Court Order and refusing to provide his tax information at the required times, he will provide Novembers support cheque and payment to the daycare to me by November 1. Any adjustments will be made at a later date once his 2011 returns have been reviewed. Further, the information re his corporate returns was dated October 4, your client did not forward said information to me until October 23. Further supporting what appears to be his intentions to play games, not cooperate and deliberately not allow for sufficient time to review.
My husband has never once breached the court orders. He was supposed to provide all tax documentation by May 31at, but given that corporate taxes aren’t collected until July, this was no possible. Her side was informed of this, and agreed. Taxes were not completed in a timely fashion by our accountant, admittedly, but this is no fault of ours. He has made repeated attempts to expedite the process, but to no avail. It was finally completed a few weeks ago. Late, but done nonetheless.

Please forward his accurate financial records as well as Novembers support cheque payment to my lawyer immediately. Have your client forward November’s daycare payment directly to the daycare for November 1.
Cause it’s all about the money, money, money…..

Many thanks,
Skank whore
30 months into this ordeal…over 900 days, and we are still receiving this garbage. She is stil actively seeking to cause us harm, to cause me pain, and to destroy my husband’s reputation. When does it end? When do we get peace? When do we get a chance to heal and focus on us? According to our lawyer….never. Things like this rarely ever resolve, she says, and with someone this crazy…even less likely.
So, to all those who told me that my anger is misdirected, and that I have no reason to be upset with the woman who slept with a knowingly married man, got pregnant on purpose, and lashed out at what remained of my self-esteem, and who continues to assault my family, I ask you…upon reading this, do you really feel I have no reason to be upset? If your answer is ‘yes’, you are as mental as she is.
This email left me in a state of primal scream in fetal position. I have had it. I laid in my basement, on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably, screaming with a primal anger I think would have been hard to witness (ask my dog), and curled myself up into a fetal position. I eventually got up, called my husband, and asked him if he’d seen the email. He hadn’t. I read it to him. He was pleased. He saw it as further proof that she continues to be unhinged…and that she is showing her true colours every time. He was pleased because it spoke to the fact that she must be angry she isn’t going to extort any more money from us. For that, he is pleased. I wish I could see the optimism here, because from someone who didn’t get to fuck this cow, I don’t see many unicorns and rainbows in this letter, just sludge and venom. Needless to say, I felt better after we’d talked, booked an hour long telephone-therapy appointment with my therapist to talk about it, and am now doing much better.

A wife’s double standard


Comments left recently on the blog, in response to some blog posts that I have made, have shown me that a double standard exists between wives and a husband’s other woman.

Many comments made recently have alluded to the fact that me, as a betrayed spouse, have no reason to be angry with the other woman. I am told that my anger is displaced and misdirected. I am told that instead of being angry with the other woman, I should be directing my anger towards my husband, as if I have not already done so.

So, what I want to understand is why is it okay, in so many situations, for the other woman to be so angry at the betrayed wife? Why, for example, is the other woman in my situation so bitter and angry towards me? Most of her anger throughout this 2 1/2 year ordeal has been directed at me. She has written things in emails, designed especially for me to read. She has hidden false details of their relationship in legal documents, designed for me to find, intended to cause me harm. For example, my husband never told his affair partner that he loved her. However, in court documents, she would find ways of cloaking these comments between existing lines of text, saying things like, “and when he told me that he loved me so often,…” She knows they are false, and she also knows that my husband will see them as false. What she is banking on, however, is that I will read them and feel hurt, question myself, question my self-worth, and ultimately do more damage to me. That is her plan. She isn’t trying to persuade my husband to see a reality that never was, Because she knows that he too was present, and he will remember the details as they were also. What she’s banking on is that I, someone he wasn’t there, will not know the real truth, and will start to question my husband’s integrity further, creating more uneasiness in our marriage.

When the other woman decided to call the police, to claim harassment and stalking, she didn’t do so against my husband, she did so against me. When the other woman had to disclose the location of her daughter’s daycare, in court documents, so that my husband could pay 95% of the costs to the appropriate location, she made sure to add in bold letters, that she did not want the location of the daycare revealed to me, as she feared for her personal safety, alluding to the fact that I mentally unstable, a stalker, and threat. Further actions to cause other people, including lawyers, to believe that I, the betrayed spouse, am the crazy one. Another attack, not against my husband, but against me.

When the other woman was asked to provide proof of school attendance for herself, in order to justify the day care expenses that my husband was required to incur, She sent copies of her school schedule, purposely blackening out her student number, indicating that she didn’t feel comfortable with me having access to this information, because she felt I was psychotic, and would cause her harm or distress through use of her student number. Funny, never once expressed concern about my has been having this information, nor the address of the daycare where his child is looked after, only me.

Prior to ever wanting a restraining order against my husband, she first want a restraining order placed against me. Prior to entering the hospital to give birth to her child, she mentioned feeling uncomfortable with me, afraid for her child’s safety, and her own.

All of this causes me to ask the question “why is she so angry with me, instead of my husband?”

The answer to that, I think, would be quite simple. She didn’t get what she wanted. She wanted my husband. She lost. In her mind, the only thing standing between her and my husband having a lifetime together, with me. In her mind, it’s as if I walked into their union, and tore them apart, when in reality, that’s exactly what she attempted to do to me. Nice double standard.

I try very hard to see everyone’s perspective in this mess. Inasmuch as I do not want to enter the mind of the other woman, sometimes I feel it is necessary in order to gain perspective. As I mentioned in my last post a couple of days ago, I recently went through some of the communications between my husband and his affair partner, having the opportunity to see the way they spoke, the things they said, the way they felt. In reading this material, I discovered that my husband’s affair was not merely sexual, but it was an emotional affair as well. He mentioned to her several times how she was his vacation, his calamity, his source of peace during a chaotic time in his life. Funny, that should have been me. Apparently it wasn’t. He worried when she was upset, he claims, in his emails, to have gotten tears in his eyes, when she expressed sadness or worry, he was excited and elated for her when she had successes. He came to bat for her at work, when her job was in trouble. He expressed deep gratitude when she supported him, and it reads like he wasn’t getting that support anywhere else. When he complemented her sexually, it sounded like all that they had done was novel, him never having experienced it like that before. He made it sound like he was deprived emotionally and sexually. Is it any wonder she later called me “emotionally unavailable and frigid”?This is not simply someone who is having sex with another person, this is someone who cares about the other person. Perhaps a few weeks into their sexual relationship, when the novelty was gone, my husband no longer wished to be in the relationship, and started to feel the stranglehold. However, as his emails and text messages indicate, there was a time when he was very interested, was seeking her out, was complementing her, and was making her feel loved, approved, attractive, valued, and comforted. It is really no wonder she felt they had a future together. I don’t think she concocted this in her own mind, out of psychotic stupidity, but rather, she felt this way because it reflected what she was told. It’s right there on paper.

So, once the relationship was revealed, and my husband decided to stay with me, she saw me as the reason they were no longer together. She didn’t see my husband as having had a change of heart, nor as a liar, or a cheater, or a man who would’ve said anything to have his cake and eat it too. Instead, she saw a man who had professed to care about her deeply, and his actions show the same, until I was in the loop. To be fair, my husband’s email communications did change, prior to my finding out about the affair. He told her he wasn’t interested anymore, he told her he wanted out, he told her that if she chose to have his child, she needed to make her decisions knowing that he would not be involved. It isn’t as though my husband’s intentions, actions, and words were suddenly changed, but that is how she will see it.

So, the double standard that I see here is, “why is it not okay for me to be angry with the other woman, and asked to direct my anger towards my husband, but the same isn’t being asked of the other woman?” Shouldn’t her anger be directed at my husband? Shouldn’t she be angry for having been misled? Shouldn’t she be hurt and furious that the man who professed to care about her, love her, comfort her, value her, has suddenly run back to his wife and children, when it appeared as though he was, at times, prepared to leave them? Wouldn’t anyone in that situation feel confused, betrayed, letdown, angry? So then, once her world came crashing down around her, why not direct her anger at the appropriate source? Why not direct her vitriol towards the person who has truly caused this for her? After all, I didn’t promise her my husband, I didn’t promise to share, I didn’t go back on my word. As I am so often told by these other women, “I owed you nothing”, but in my case, that includes my husband. I didn’t owe her anything. I didn’t come in the middle of her relationship. I didn’t enter on to sacred territory and try to tear them apart. I didn’t do anything. I was completely in the dark. Exactly how I responsible for her unhappiness?

If we ask the betrayed wives to redirect their anger towards their husbands, why don’t we ask the same of these other women who are spending so much time, energy, and resources, trying to tear down the innocent women whose lives they’ve already destroyed?

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