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Pregnancy = Marriage?


I was talking with my husband the other night, while he was doing the dishes (yes, he does do the dishes, and yes maybe that was one of the reasons I stayed…just kidding).

We got to talking about mistresses and their distorted beliefs. We talked about how his mistress was so deluded, and felt as though they would be together, even after he’d told her repeatedly that they wouldn’t. Despite him telling her many times that he loved me, found me beautiful, etc., she still continued to tell him that he would be leaving me, and coached him in how to do exactly that. Towards the desperate end, when they both knew that telling me was inevitable (if he didn’t, she would), she actually took him down to the boardwalk and told him what to say, how to say it, and role played it with him. It damn near broke his heart hearing the words “I don’t love you, and I never loved you” come out of his own mouth, knowing that he didn’t feel that way. Despite hearing him say repeatedly that if I left him over the affair, that he STILL would not seek a relationship with her, she maintained that they would be together. It was like they were talking past each other.

During our conversation over dishes, my husband told me that she was, in fact, the result of an unplanned pregnancy….sort of. Her sister, who is two years older than her, was conceived by accident. Feeling pressured, the two young adults married, and two years later had the mistress. Could it be that she grew up feeling as though marriage can be the end result of an unplanned pregnancy, and that if she only gets pregnant….she can coerce a relationship out of it? After all, it worked for her mom, right?

It really does make one sit back and wonder what feeds these distortions, and I have to wonder to what extent her childhood reality allowed her to think that she ever had a chance in hell with my husband. If she really did believe these wildly distorted things, she must have had quite the wake-up call when the day after the disclosure, she found out that he was still at home, and we were taking the kids out to the toy store…together….as a family. Her world must have come crashing in, and what I would have given to be a fly on her wall.

My husband was very clear with her from the beginning about his intentions. For the first while, according to him, she played along and seemed to be on the same page, insisting that there was an escape clause for both of them. It was only once she started to develop feelings, and things had progressed that she no longer wished to play by the rules she’d set. The game had changed, but not all parties had been notified. Things then took a twisted and evil turn, with manipulations and coercions. It’s sad, but maybe she thought that all good relationships are borne of lies, cheating, sneaking, coercion and manipulation. If that’s the case, I doubt she will ever find anyone to have a healthy relationship with. In fact, given my suspicions that she is a borderline personality disordered person, she likely can’t have normal, healthy relationships anyway. I feel for her poor daughter.

**After some of the comments to this posting, I thought I would add this video clip**

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Face to face combat


The herpes outbreak is back folks.  No, I don’t have herpes, but did that get your attention?   A few posts back, I referred to the mistress as “herpes”, because like the actual disease, she seems to crop up every now and then, and never really ever goes away.  Somewhere under the surface, she is always lurking, waiting to strike out and wreak havoc.  Well, she is at it again.

Long story short for those just tuning in:

Mistress works with my husband. They both leave this job and she starts working for him.  They are embroiled in an affair and she gets pregnant.  He had tried to get out of the relationship many times, but things got weird when she started asking for sex at work, and when denied she would go nuts texting him all night and threatening to tell me, to call the police and scream rape, etc.  She was, essentially, emotionally forcing my husband to have sex with her, even when he didn’t want to, in order to draw him into a relationship.  Yes, there were times when he actually wanted to be with her, but many times that he didn’t, and in the last 7 months of a 10 month affair, he no longer wanted it, and her threats manipulated him into carrying on with a relationship he no longer wanted, but maintained out of fear for losing his family and career. She launched an employment claim, stating she was wrongfully dismissed for being pregnant, and also launches a paternity claim with a family lawyer seeking child support.  There, you are up to speed.

With the most recent launch of her new Human Rights claim that she was sexually harassed (hey wait, wasn’t HE the one who was sexually harassed??), and that he abused his power and forced her to have sex with him (anyone who knows my husband knows he can hardly force a fly outside), we have had to resurrect the employment side of this case.  This has meant providing additional monies to the employment lawyers who represent us in the wrongful dismissal claim.  Because the case will have to be decided, the lawyer has suggested that we set a date for “discovery”.  What this means is that both sides need to sit down in a room together with both lawyers, and share each others’ evidence to support their side.  If there is enough evidence on both sides, the case will go in front of a judge.  If she can prove she was fired for being pregnant, it will go to trial.  If, however, she has no proof that she was fired for this reason, they won’t feel the need to go to trial as it is very unlikely that she would win, and they would suggest a settlement perhaps, or that the entire claim be dropped.

My husband in a room with his ex-mistress.  This whole proposition makes me wildly uncomfortable.  I don’t want her beady little eyes eyeing him.  I don’t want her manipulative tactics, her passive-agressive nature, her wildly unpredictable overly-emotional chaos to affect him.  I don’t want him to be hurt, and I don’t want him to be uncomfortable.  I want to be there to physically stand at his side, show him my support, and work through it together, as we have been since the affair was brought to light.  I was told that I wouldn’t be allowed to be present.  I wasn’t part of the business, and had nothing to do with her employment, and besides, she would have to consent to my being there – unlikely.

**Sidenote:  When she realized that he had confessed his affair to me, and I  hadn’t kicked him out, she sent me a bunch of angry and insulting emails, telling me that he didn’t love me, that together they used to make fun of me, and that he thought I was fat, ugly, etc…  In one of her emails she told me that I ought to start working more so that I could increase my salary since I would now be supporting her baby”.  She ended that sentence with the words “Yay me”.

Throughout all of this, the one thought that brings me comfort is a fantasy that I play out in my head.  Because I wasn’t just deceived by my husband, and was also deceived by her, I have a strong core-centered desire to have her know that we are in love, we are happy. we are doing just fine, and she HAS NOT WON.  Nothing bothers her more than to think that she has had no impact.  My fantasy always involves her seeing us together, walking hand in hand, or him professing his love for me in front of her.  She sees it, she hears it, and it is irrefutable.  I know that she knows that she didn’t win – I did.  This is very important for me, because it is my redemption in all of this.

I need this.  I crave this.  I think this will allow me to move forward.  Unfortunately, it looks like I may not have that chance as I am not permitted to be present.  Regardless of whether I am actually given the opportunity to sit in the lawyer’s boardroom and observe the exchange of information, no one will stop me from sitting in the waiting room, or being right outside the door so that when they all emerge, I am the first thing she will see, and you can bet your sweet ass that I will flash my husband a winning smile, give him a supportive kiss on the mouth, take his hand and then walk off with him so she has to watch.  I may even turn around, flash her a smile, and say “Yay me”.

Seeing the affair through the eyes of a mistress


Sun Tzu, the ancient Chinese Military General once said, “Know thine enemy”.  According to him, the best way to defeat a force is to know it well, have an ability to predict its next move, remain one step ahead, and to never be surprised.

I made a decision, about halfway through the last year, that I wanted to better understand the situation from all sides.  We all have a different perspective of what took place, coloured by our experience within that place, and the role that we played.   In our marital therapy, we are learning that true forgiveness for my husband is going to come him stepping into my shoes in order to truly feel what it must have felt like to be me, to be deceived, to be betrayed.  When I am confident that he truly FEELS what it feels like, I will have greater confidence in his fidelity, and our marriage in general.

The act of consciously trying to see the affair through her eyes is a big deal for me because:

  1. I am wounded
  2. I have been betrayed
  3. I hold grudges like nobody’s business

On examining the data as I have it thus far, here is what I see when I look through her lens.  When my interpretations have been informed by factual events, I will indicate so.

She met, and fell for a man who is married.  She probably fell in love, and if not was at the bare minimum deeply attracted (fact).  His reciprocal interest in her, his sharing of personal details that transgressed the boundaries of co-worker, made her feel as though the feelings were reciprocal.  When the mutual attraction was confessed, it quickly escalated into sex. After that first sexual encounter, she probably felt intensely satisfied, like she had somehow snagged her catch.  The bait was working, and she was slowly seeing her desires come into view.  Trying to maintain a professional relationship at work while secretly involved in a relationship with a co-worker probably ignited a wave of excitement as well, amplifying the effects of the endorphin rush that accompanies the start of a new relationship.  It probably felt magical.  Here she was, sleeping with a wonderful man, who has great earning potential, but is simultaneously also kind, warm, sweet, sensitive, and compassionate.  He likes shopping, fine dining, travel, will watch chick flicks of his own accord – I mean, what is NOT to like?  I get it…I like him too 🙂

Even though she had proposed the exit clause for each of them, when he asked to use it a couple of months into it, she felt hurt.  She was enjoying what they had together, but it didn’t quite feel normal.  She longed for dinners out, time together outside of work, a REAL relationship.  She accused him of using her for sex( fact), and told him that she didn’t want to have sex at the office anymore (fact) – she wanted to go somewhere private, so they hooked up at hotels. I can’t imagine that didn’t feel cheap for her, but it was better than the office. The threat of possibly losing him led her to feel that she had to do something to prevent him from leaving.  Knowing that he was in a vulnerable place because he was being unfaithful to his wife, she knew that she could hold this over his head, and manipulate the situation to her advantage.  Worried that it may not be enough, she turned up the degree by simultaneously painting herself in a highly desirable light by inventing a boyfriend on the side (fact), and talking about how much male attention she gets. She did this, of course, so that he would believe her to be desirable. I mean, if all of these others guys see something in her, then it must be there…right? Not when they don’t exist. She figured that these lies, couples with the threat to tell me would keep him where she wanted him. It worked for a little while, as he remained in the relationship and didn’t make regular requests to “end it”.  Whenever he did, she felt threatened, and turned up the heat again, using the best tactic she had – the threat of disclosure to me.

When they stopped having sex for a few months, she was likely worried that they were returning to “just friends”, or “co-workers”.  She knew she wanted to be with him, and she had tried everything possible to make herself desirable enough in his eyes that he would want to be with her willingly, but it wasn’t working.  He was remaining with his wife, and there was no indication that he was ever going to leave, or tell me.  Feeling that she was going to be playing second fiddle in this relationship, she decided that a pregnancy would be the best way to hang onto him.   She went off her birth control pills.  Having his baby would mean that they would be forever linked.  If this was never about attraction, and only a money grab, a baby would then be a guaranteed meal ticket. She initiated sex with him in February, and conceived a child. Yay her.

When he said that he didn’t want another baby, and wasn’t prepared to be involved in the life of another child, she stated that she would terminate the pregnancy – kill her child – if he would confess the affair to me and leave his family (fact).  Unprepared to lose his family, she said that perhaps she might keep the baby, that she was undecided (fact).  In any case, she said that would raise the child alone, if need be, and would never ask him for a single penny (fact) (sorry but I find this statement laughable since she is currently doing her best to milk us out of every penny she can).  Convincing him that he was going to lose me either way (either he would tell me and leave, or she would tell me and I would kick him out), she rehearsed how he would tell me, and they set a date for when.  The brass ring was in sight, all shiny and ready to be grabbed.  Victory, as she saw it, would soon be hers. and she would finally have the man she wanted, free and clear of the encumbrances of his family, and they could start the relationship that she had always hoped for.  Excited that the man she loved would soon be hers, and believing that his willingness to confess meant that he too wanted to be with her, it was merely days away, and he would be hers.

When she texted him the morning after he was supposed to have told me, she thought her early morning text would come fresh on the heels of the devastation and that she could ride in, and save him from the flames.  When he told her that he’d actually told me 2 days earlier, she was alarmed that he was still at home, and happily playing with his children as if nothing had happened. When he told her that I was also there, and that things were fine, I imagine she was incredibly sad and very angry.  She now felt the sting of betrayal.  The plan that she thought they both wanted wasn’t coming to fruition, and had been foiled by the fact that neither of them had anticipated what move I would make.  My unwillingness to throw away my marriage and kick my husband out was a wild card that neither one anticipated would be played.  It came as a shock to them both. For him, it was a relief.  For her, it was devastating.  Reacting on anger, she immediately started doing what she does best: threatening.  It was her way of acting out in the wake of losing the relationship she wanted and she saw ME as the reason it would never be.  She was furious with me, and now she had a baby on the way, and no one to help care for it, or her.

The way she saw it, he loved her and wanted to be with her.  He’d turned away from his wife, and turned toward her.  That could only mean that he loved her, and not me, right?  He’d had sex with her, so it meant he loved her, right? This falls in line with the Myths of Infidelity I wrote about earlier. In her mind, the feelings were mutual, and then suddenly, they weren’t.  She’d been deceived, or maybe, just maybe, she had miscalculated the depth of what this relationship was really about, and made it into more than it ever was.

I understand her feelings, and what has led her to do what she has done.  I understand that she has been hurt.  I understand that she has inappropriately directed her anger at me, when it really should be directed at herself for getting involved. She has to demonize me in her mind in order to justify her actions to herself. Women are possessive, and she felt she owned him, and had rights to him. Knowing that he was coming home every night to me – to my bed – was probably unbearable for her. In fact, she became most crazy when we were on vacations together, in which case she would text like crazy, and turn up the threats if she didn’t hear back from him immediately. She wanted him hanging on the end of the line for her every text. He wasn’t, and that drove her nuts. On the nights after they’d been together, in order to remain connected to him when he was safely returned ‘home’, she texted him all night, probably to interfere with anything he and I might be up to. She wants to believe I am the reason that they aren’t together, when in fact my husband never asked to leave – he asked me to take him back, if I wanted to. I would like to say that she should also be angry at my husband for deceiving her, but he didn’t.  He told her many times how he felt, explained that it was just sex, and not love, professed his love for his family, and his desire to not lose us.  She refused to hear any of it, and believed instead what made her feel better: that he loved her and wanted a relationship with her.  That he would leave me to be with her, and that they would have a baby together, and live happily ever after.  She sees me as the reason that he is not with her, when he made it perfectly clear to her that if he and I were no longer together, that he would not be with her.  He told her that if he were not married to me, he would be married to no one.  I don’t think she can be angry at him when he made it perfectly clear.

In the end, I feel very badly for her.  I think she is in a horrible situation, and was too naive to see it clearly.  She chose to have a child, thinking that it would bring my husband closer to her, and is now raising a baby on her own. Perhaps she also had a fantasy, as we all do, about motherhood being blissful, with a little person to love you, and it is all rainbows and butterflies, and then 48 hours into it, having logged two sleepless nights, you realize it isn’s the picnic you thought it was, except unlike me, she is doing it alone.  I do sometimes wonder if she feels any regret.  I wonder if she will take the time to try and see the situation through my eyes, to realize the depths of what she has done, the degree to which her actions have caused so much hurt, so much pain, so much trauma.   Will she take the time to consider anyone else’s perspective, and will she see where she has been wrong, or will she be blinded by her own sense of self-righteousness?  I guess I will never know.

I suspect she is a very hurt inside and longs for someone to love her. She needs and craves love and attention, and believes that the only way to get it is to manipulate. I suspect love never came easily to her, and she’s had to fight for it her whole life – it is what she knows. She fell into a situation that was way above her head, and made poor decisions without considering the collateral damage. She was selfishly focused on herself, and still is. She has, thus far, provided no indication of remorse for what she has done to me, or tried to do to my children. I feel badly that she will raise this child alone, and will suffer the pains of single parenting. This is a choice she brought upon herself, but it doesn’t make it any less difficult to bear. I wish the best for the child who is an innocent victim of choices made by two people who should have known better.

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