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When the affair partner is pregnant: FREE teleseminar tonight


By now, if you are a regular reader of this blog, you will know that I often mention, and provide as a resource Anne Bercht and the Passionate Life seminars provided through the Beyond Affairs Network to help betrayed spouses and couples healing from the devastation of an affair. Anne wrote the book “My husband’s affair became the best thing that ever happened to me”.

On a regular basis, Anne makes herself available for a one hour complementary teleseminar where listeners can dial-in, participate if they wish, and gain new insights into a particular topic around affair recovery.

Tonight’s teleseminar deals with the double devastation of learning that a child has been conceived from the affair.

The following content comes from Anne’s newsletter and provides the details for how to listen and participate.

WHEN THE AFFAIR PARTNER IS PREGNANT

Here’s a relevant excerpt from my book, “My Husband’s
Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me.”

“Dave then proceeded to tell me that the other woman might be
pregnant with Brian’s child. That thought horrified me.


“The thought was overwhelming. I didn’t want to hurt an innocent
child, but I just didn’t see how I could possibly stand Brian
being tied to this horrible woman through a baby, who would be a
half sibling to my own babies. It would mean he would have to be
forever tied to this woman whom I considered to be a whore. It
would mean I would have to deal with her, and deal with her child
who, although innocent, would stand as a permanent reminder to the
most painful experience in my life.
It wasn’t fair.

“If she is pregnant, Brian will have to contribute financially
to the child,” Dave was now saying. I choked on the lump that
was growing in my throat, and did not answer him. “That will
significantly impact your financial situation as a family. As
Christians it’s important that we take responsibility for
things like this.”

“I felt like throwing up. I wasn’t interested in being a
Christian right now, yet I believed in God, and I dared not throw
away my faith at a time when I knew I needed God more than ever. I
thought I might have to leave Brian for sure, if there were a child
to deal with.”

End of excerpt from “My Husband’s Affair Became the Best
Thing That Ever Happened to Me.”

Dealing with a child from an affair is very difficult and painful.
Affair recovery is difficult and painful even without that extra
burden. Sadly, it’s an all too common situation in today’s world.
All are welcome to join our teleseminar tonight. Dial in info below.

SESSION #8 OF OUR 12-WEEK AFFAIR RECOVERY SERIES TONIGHT

Topic: When there is a child from an affair
Date: Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Time: 6:30 pm pacific/7:30 pm mountain/8:30 pm central/9:30 pm
eastern
To join call: 1-857-232-0300
Access Code: 688685#
Note: If joining, please be sure and read the teleseminar etiquette
guidelines below!

MARK YOUR CALENDAR FOR THESE REMAINING SESSIONS!

September 3 – What are you going to do when you’re in love with
your affair partner?

September 10 – Is it time to cut your losses?

September 24 – What if you might be facing a divorce?

October 1 – How do you get him to talk?

TO LISTEN TO PAST SESSIONS

Click on the link below:

http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=DJqoA&m=JlDB4vSjLcZWqX&b=lsb.vFnebDEkKei5mOJYuA

TELESEMINAR ETIQUETTE

While the teleseminar service will prompt you to state your name as
you join this is not necessary. We prefer you just listen until
opportunity is given for asking questions.
You may remain anonymous by not speaking if you prefer, by using
your first name only, or by using an alias first name when asking a
question – just something we can identify you by.
You’re dialing a USA telephone number and your long
distance phone charges are your own responsibility.

Please avoid the use of cell phones as these can cause an echo that
makes it difficult for others to hear. It’s best to call in
with a
landline. Even cordless phones tend to cause an echo. Background
noise that can’t be heard on a two-person call becomes
amplified on
a multi-line teleconference.

If cell phones are your only source of accessing the call then you
may give it a try, if it becomes a problem we will let you know.

During times when we open the seminar up for questions, if you
press *6 to be heard, please be considerate and eliminate all
background noise first such as
(music, dog barking, children, etc.) as this would be distracting
for everyone else on the call.

When we open up for questions/answers, you can press *6 to unmute
your line and be heard. After your question has been answered,
please press *6 again to mute your line after your contribution.

Please do not put your phone on hold, especially if it plays music
when doing so. This would end the call for everyone else (all
we’d
hear is your music).

This teleseminar will be recorded and you will be asked to indicate
you agree to this when you log onto the call.

We are looking forward to helping you!

Passionate Life Seminars, USA Office: 8842 Goldeneye Lane, Blaine, WA 98230 Phone: 360-306-3367

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The key to my heart: A tale of forgiveness


It is a New Year, a new beginning, a fresh start. How will you write this chapter of your life? You have 365 pages, and today is day 1. What have you done to move your story forward, to propel yourself toward happiness? Are you stuck? Do you feel lost? Or are you in a place of contentment? Do you feel you are settling for what you have, and if so, do you have the courage to reach out and grab that thing that eludes you? Is this your year? Is this the year it finally comes together? Are you ready for the wonderful things that are coming your way? I hope so 🙂

As 2012 drew to a close, and with the golden rays of 2013 on the horizon, I offered my husband a gift. Not only was it a gift I had never given him, it was a gift I have never given anyone. I forgave him. I’d made the choice to forgive him some time ago, but wanted to tell him in a way that was meaningful to me. At first I thought I wanted fanfare and streamers, fireworks and hoopla. But as it drew closer, I just wanted something quiet, something personal, something warm.

I sat down to write my husband a letter this week. I wanted the letter to represent the emotional journey that I have been on over these past 2 years and 9 months (and let’s not forget the extra 15 days tacked on there either, it has been a long road). I wanted to take him on the journey with me, or at least the Coles Notes version, transport him briefly through the experiences that I have had in healing, and the ways in which he has helped me to heal. I wanted to thank him for all that he has done, for being a good man and for always putting my need for support above his need for shelter, for listening, for answering, for sitting in the shit with me (and this blog documents that there has been a lot of shit). I wanted to share my appreciation for all that he has done in this journey, and to convey to him that he has been my hero. I sat down, and slowly started to write, and when I was done, I had the following letter, which I am publishing for you all to read, which was presented to him last night.

One thousand and twenty days ago, you held my heart in your hands and crushed it, slowly suffocating the life out of me. As I sat there across from you on the sofa, trying to comfort you because you were crying, you pushed me away, and told me that you needed to tell me something. You told me that I deserve to live my life with full knowledge and awareness, and that I hadn’t been doing that. You then proceeded to tell me that my deepest fears were true, and that you were in a relationship with another woman, and had been for some time. As my stomach hit the floor and the room started to spin, you told me that she was pregnant with your baby. The floor fell from beneath my feet, and I stood paralyzed on what was left of the small bit of earth that I was perched upon.

The man I thought I knew stood before me, but he was gone. His familiar gaze now gave way to empty eyes that stood emotionless in front of me. I allowed the words to penetrate, but I could not respond. I felt completely paralyzed. I just sat there and listened to you, and for the first time in my life, I wasn’t sure whether I was real or not, whether I was in a dream, or whether I had just died. The truth is, a huge part of me died that day, and that part was the part I call “us”. “We” were no more. We were just “you” and “me”, because the safety and sanctuary that was “us” had just been violated and torn apart. It lay there, broken, hardly recognizable, and the only thing I wanted was to put it back together again. The only thing I wanted was for you to tell me that you were kidding, that it was some prank, to shake me awake. I wasn’t asleep, and you weren’t kidding, and this was to become my new reality.

When I awoke the next morning, for a fraction of a moment, I was certain I had dreamt it, and felt a lightness I can’t explain. It was like nirvana, but then I remembered that you were not with me in bed, and it had not been a dream, and that moment of serenity imploded. I woke up to the broken reality that would become my new “normal”. “My husband cheated on me with another woman, and she is having his baby”. The words tasted bitter in my mouth, but they would become my new mantra, repeated daily in my head for months and months and months, and years. I heard it in songs, I saw it on TV, reminders were everywhere. It was a new reality I had not invited, but which I was now forced to contend with. The phrase “life isn’t fair” suddenly had a personal meaning. I wasn’t sure what I had done in my life to deserve it. Was it karma paying me back for some horrible misdeed? Was I simply a cosmic collateral damage in the universe? Was I a bad wife? Had I gained to much weight? Was I no longer attractive? Had I “lost it”, and by “it”, I mean everything you used to find of value in me? Why was she chosen? Why was she better than me? Why did you pick her? Why had you done this to me? Why was I now having to pay the price for your bad decisions? Was I unlovable? Was I unworthy of being loved the way I needed to be?

As I spent my days dragging along the floor behind me a drawstring bag, carrying what was left of my self-esteem, I was inundated with hurtful emails from the woman who claimed to be so caring and understanding, so warm and personable. She took what remained of my self esteem, and held it tightly in a vice grip, dipping each piece of what remained into the acid that came through her words. Her words confirming my deepest fears: “I am ugly to him, I am fat to him, he laughs at me, he chose her, he is only staying for the kids, he never loved me…” She hand-plucked each one with deft precision. It’s as if she had lived inside my head, and knew exactly which buttons to push, and she pushed them with a satisfying and demonic enjoyment, her every move designed to wedge the knife deeper into the still bleeding wound. And when it would seem that she hadn’t done enough, she went in for the kill: She told me that due to words that I had spoken, due to action I had taken, that she had made the decision to keep the baby. She took the worst possible outcome (having the baby), and made it the result of something *I* had done, as if it was decided by me. No, instead it was to be my punishment for having fought for my marriage. I either lose my husband to her, or I keep my husband, whose love I don’t even trust anymore, he gains a daughter, and I gain a 22-year child support sentence. It was the ultimate lose-lose, and I felt like she held all the cards. I was broken, and death seemed more palatable.

Although I had my suspicions that something was wrong, I trusted you, and felt you would tell me if anything was really wrong. When you assured me everything was fine, I allowed your words to quench the fears I had, and the slate was wiped clean each time. The trust I had in you far overcame any fears, and I knew I could just trust, and I did just that.

I never snooped in your emails, and I never checked on your phone calls. I didn’t monitor your texts, and I didn’t have you followed. I had no reason to doubt what you were telling me. I didn’t have to investigate anything on my own, because you summoned the courage to tell me, and for that I am thankful. Although you do say that you were pressured to tell me, and had no intention of ever telling me, and were only doing so out of duress, I can tell you that I would have fared far worse had I learned it from her, so I thank you for telling me quietly, in the privacy of our own home, far away from her evil. Thank you for not letting me find out any other way. Thank you for being a man, and telling me to my face, despite the shame that such a moment brought to you. It is a shame that I can’t even imagine, and something that I would not have had the strength to do, had the situation been reversed. Thank you for being strong enough to do the right thing.

In the weeks that followed, you attended marital counseling with me. You attended regular weekly sessions, and faced head-on the shameful situation of having your mistakes placed on the table for open commentary and evaluation. You watched me cry and break down, witnessing firsthand the carnage that you created in the one you professed to love and protect. But you kept coming, and didn’t complain. You didn’t back down, you didn’t refuse, and you didn’t stop.

You took the time to look deep inside of yourself and your situation at the time, with the guidance of our counselor with a desire to learn what had led you there. Thank you for seeing the possibility of there having been a lack of something within you, something broken, something that needed mending. Although I do own my share of any marital breakdown that resulted in your inability to feel that you could come to me with your feelings, I also understand that your decision to have an affair was yours alone, and wasn’t something you did as a result of me, or our marriage. You had plenty of healthier alternatives to deal with your situation, but made a bad choice. I don’t think it makes you a bad person, and I don’t define you by it. Thank you for trying to find what it was within you that enabled this situation, no matter how painful, and for having the strength to examine it. Thank you for being strong enough.

You listened to me gripe and complain incessantly. You watched me hurt, and you listened to me ask the same questions over and over again. You answered them honestly, whenever there was an answer, and struggled to give me comfort, even in times when there wasn’t an answer to give. You placed all of your cards face up on the table, and gave me the truth at the speed at which I needed to hear it, not at the speed at which you were willing to face it. You followed my lead and proceeded at my pace, even when it was uncomfortable. Thank you.

You allowed me to start writing a blog to express my feelings, in the hopes that publically sharing it, that I might gain support from objective others, and also possibly help others in the process. You didn’t stop me from making public our struggle, and I agreed to protect our anonymity. Writing the blog has been a great triumph for me, is something that I enjoy, and which has brought me a great deal of support. It has also helped others. Thank you for giving it your support, and for being a faithful reader, and my first subscriber.

You never made it my fault. You didn’t blame me, or equate any of my inadequacies with your choice. You didn’t deprive me of support, and never denied me the opportunity to talk about it when I needed to. The door was always open, and you always made room for me, and you didn’t shut the door on me, or tell me I was raising “the affair” too often, was asking too many questions, or was being “unreasonable”. You tolerated my teasing and rubbing your nose in it, when I felt I needed some “payback”, and you took it without anger or disdain. Thank you for not retaliating and allowing me this momentary feeling of satisfaction. I sometimes needed it.

You allowed me to tell certain friends about the affair, and gain support from them, even though them knowing was embarrassing to you, and shone a light on your shame. You put my need for support above your need for secrecy, and I thank you.

You willingly attended the “Healing from Affairs” weekend with Anne and Brian, and never once questioned the purpose or need, nor the cost. You made the arrangements, attended, were a full and willing participant, and enjoyed a weekend that brought us closer together and for which I will be forever grateful.

You allowed me to attend the “Take your life back” seminar with Anne and Brian last month in November, taking charge of the kids to allow me to experience a weekend with other betrayed spouses, and the healing that comes from that. You didn’t stop me, you didn’t suggest against it, and you made it easy for me to attend without guilt. Thank you for that support, and for that gift. It, combined with the previous seminar, the learning and the introspection has helped to bring me to the place I am today in my healing, coupled with your support and care. Thank you.

Thank you for helping me to heal, and for acting as my healer in this journey, taking on the weight of my load when I didn’t think I could do it anymore, despite also having your own load to carry. Thank your for your patience, and for never asking me to “move on”, or “get over it already”. You accepted the repercussions of your actions as a burden you were willing to bear as a result of your actions, and you allowed me to do, say, or feel whatever was necessary, as a result, without making me feel stifled, or stupid, or judged. Thank you.

Throughout this journey, you have proven to be my hero. You have tackled situations that I don’t feel that I would have had the opportunity to tackle if I had been the one who had the affair. You have graciously stepped into the shameful places you needed to go. I know that I would not have had the ability to tolerate the constant nose-rubbing, the shame, the embarrassment and the constant exposure of my errors. You did, and for that, I recognize you as the pivotal reason for my healing, and the biggest force, outside of myself, that allowed me to heal in the way that I have.

I now have greater insight into how your affair came to be, and I no longer wish to hold it over your head, or to make you feel remorseful, or guilty. I know that you are remorseful, and I know that this has been your life’s biggest tragedy. It has been mine as well. Instead, I want to help heal you also, and move forward from this tragedy together.

When we first sat with our marital therapist, at our first marital therapy appointment, he told me that the end goal of affair recovery was to seek and grant forgiveness, and that forgiveness could only ever be considered once I felt as though you had stood in my shoes. I remember feeling such torment at the idea that I was to be expected to forgive you. “Forgiveness” was not the F-word that I had in mind, and wasn’t something I was prepared to consider. Last spring, at the end of the seminar with Anne and Brian, you were asked to write a letter, asking for forgiveness. I appreciated the letter, its heartfelt contents, and your genuine request for forgiveness, but I simply couldn’t grant it. I felt badly, like I was expected to. I wanted to, but simply couldn’t. I loved that weekend, and the feeling of togetherness that it helped to reinforce, and I did not want to forgive you simply because you had asked me to, or to comply with the programming of a seminar.

In the weeks that followed, I didn’t want to forgive you simply because I was running on a “post-seminar high” or trapped within the memories of that weekend. Instead, I hoped that the moment that I offered you forgiveness would be more genuine, and coming more from inside of me, not because you were asking, and not because you were programmed to request it. It needed to be real, and it needed to be heartfelt and pure, and it needed to come from me.

I was never ready to forgive you because of what I thought “forgiveness” meant. I always thought that forgiveness was the act of ‘excusing’ someone for what they had done. I thought that it meant ‘condoning’ someone’s actions, and finding something ‘acceptable’ in those actions. I thought that it meant ‘pardoning’ them from their responsibility, and telling them that what they had done was “alright”. I could never come to a place where I believed any of that to be true, and I felt that to ask me to forgive was to deny me my right to be angry, to feel betrayed and to claim that someone had wronged me. I thought that forgiving meant that I could no longer claim to have been betrayed, or own that, and that it took the value of what I was feeling away. I owned those feelings and I didn’t want to lose them. They were the expression of my broken heart, and they weren’t ‘wrong”, they weren’t ‘pardonable’, and they certainly weren’t ‘acceptable’. In speaking with other betrayed spouses, and those who have been hurt in other ways, I learned to define my own meaning of forgiveness, and this one felt better. It was to be the definition that I would then strive towards.

Forgiveness, as I now see it, is the act of letting go of the “better than” attitude that I was able to hold over your head because you had had the affair, and I had not. It was the decision to not see myself as a “better spouse” and to let go of the comparison. Being a spouse isn’t a contest to be won, and we aren’t on opposing teams. Forgiveness is the conscious choice to no longer hold your actions over your head, and to no longer engage in behavior that accentuates your shame, or which holds your actions under a microscope with the intention of helping me to feel better at your expense. Forgiveness is the choice to let go of the victim mentality, and to no longer be defined by it. Forgiveness is making the choice to see that you were a man who made a series of bad decisions, but not to see you as a “bad man”.

1020 days ago you broke my heart when you disclosed that you’d been having an affair. 2 years and 9 months, and 14 days ago, my life changed completely, and my reality was irreparably altered. These 145 weeks, these 24,480 hours, these 1,468,000 minutes, these 88,128,000 seconds have been the most painful, but also the most transformative of my life.

I do not condone what you did. I do not accept what you did. I do not pardon what you did. We both know that if you should find yourself on this path in the future, that the outcome will look very different from this. But, I trust with every fiber in my being that we won’t find ourselves in this place again. I trust that you will talk with me about issues which render us vulnerable, and that we will work towards fortifying our relationship and making the necessary steps towards keeping our union safe from any outside threats. I trust that we will actively work at strengthening our marriage, and no longer fall to the path of least resistance, the easy-way, the “comfortable way”, and I agree to work outside of my comfort zone and work at the ways that I can be a better spouse to you, going forward.

And so this New Years, 1020 days after you broke my heart, I find it mended. It will always hold the scars, but you have helped me heal in a way I didn’t think would be possible 1020 days ago. I thank you for being my hero in this, and I would like to offer you my forgiveness.

To honour this step, I wanted to offer you something as a symbol of forgiveness, so that you could carry something with you as a reminder of our story, and where we are. I tried for weeks to determine what that would be, but then realized that it was too personal a choice, and you needed to be the one to make it. I will let you decide what you would like that to be, if anything at all. For me, I purchased a Pandora charm for my bracelet: a heart shaped lock with a small golden key. This is highly personal for me, and symbolic of where we stand because 1020 days after our tragedy began, you once again hold the key to my heart. I love you.

Welcome to my new beginning.

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Fuck you…Oh, can I get a reference?


For those who have been following and know the story, bless you for having read so much, and remaining on the crazy-train. For those who are new, or who haven’t combed through the archives of this blog to see the hell that the psycho mistress has tried to put our family through, I will give you a little synopsis so that this post makes sense.

My husband had an affair with a woman he worked with. She was his only employee, and at the time, he was grateful for the help. They started seeing one another before she came to work for him, and when he asked her to just be friends and stop the relationship, she claimed to be OK with it, and came to work for him under the understanding that they would remain only friends. That didn’t last long, and before you know it, she was asking him to stay late after work, making threats if he didn’t spend time with her or show her the affection she wanted. On the nights he would leave directly from work, she would text all night long threatening to tell me, to ruin him, to scream rape and cost him his career. As she gradually wanted more of a relationship than she was getting (she was getting screwed on office furniture and I guess she wanted a real date with a meal), she started to threaten more and more, and insinuate that perhaps he should tell me, so that he can stop living a lie. Obviously, she’d hoped to horn in on our lives, and hoped that upon learning of his transgressions, that I would kick him out, freeing him up for her. Well, I didn’t. She became infuriated, started emailing everyone we knew about the affair, including my husband’s work colleagues and my parents. She started threatening to tell others whose influence were higher on the chain, hoping that it would cost him his reputation. She was fired for this misconduct and for using work-related contacts which were privacy restricted for non-work-use, she was fired, and offered a significant amount of pay in exchange for notice, along with a reference letter to just get her out of his hair. Oh, in case you didn’t know, she was also 7 weeks pregnant and threatening to keep the baby unless he left me and our three children. He didn’t leave. She had the baby. We pay her child support every month, and my husband has no desire to see or know the child.

In the aftermath of the disclosure, in an effort to cause us greater harm, she launched a lawsuit accusing my husband of having fired her for being pregnant. Now, we all know that wasn’t why she was fired, but she figured she could claim that, and possibly win some money. She simultaneously launched a human rights tribunal action, citing discrimination for having been terminated for being pregnant. Although the two claims are similar, one is clearly a human rights/discrimination angle, and the other is an employment standards case for wrongful termination. In her Human Rights complaint, she goes into grossly fabricated detail about how she was sexually assaulted by my husband, raped, used and abused, and then threatened with job loss if she didn’t perform certain sexual acts. Her stories read like a bad made-for-TV miniseries. The way he ‘threw her to the ground’, ‘commanded her to perform oral sex at his desk’, ‘finished with her, and then threw her to the floor and told her she was a slut and then spit on her’….yeah, ok, cause THAT really happened. NOT. Anyone who knows my husband would find her script completely out of character, but it was coloured in the most maligning way possible, to cost him his career and make him suffer.

Fast forward two years. The lawsuit has been settled (we paid her even more money to just go away and drop it already), and this week, an email crossed my husband’s desk that she is looking for a job, and hopes for a reference letter. Are you fucking kidding me? She wants a letter of reference? What is he supposed to say, she sued me for fabricated scenarios, cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees, threatened my family, stalked my wife, called the police on my wife with false claims that my wife was hunting her down, but other than that she is a dedicated and hard worker and you’d be pleased to have the likes of her in YOUR office??? Really?

Her email reads (names have been removed for privacy):

In court in January 2012 you agreed we would discuss my job reference from (husband) at a later date. That date is here… I have been offered a position…Should my potential employer call for a job reference from(my husband) I have explained that my reason for leaving (husband’s company) in march2010 was due to a very physically difficult pregnancy (ummm no, it was because your sorry ass was fired due to your behaviour and threatening your employer and his family), I was placed onbedrest for most of my pregnancy & understandably unable to work (but not so bedridden that you couldn’t harass, stalk, fabricate false lawsuits…). Oncemy maternity leave was completed in September 2011, I chose to focus onmy studies full time and focus on completing my degree (Read: I chose to remain unemployed because my child support cheque gives me more money per month than I was ever making in my job, so why work?). This is thereason I did not return to working at (husband’s workplace) upon completion of my mat leave. Although he would have gladly taken me back (Are you for real??!?!?) as he has stated in thousands of emails, text messages and videos (no videos….but he had told her that she was a good employee from time to time and how grateful he was to have her in his employ), I am an excellent employee. I certainly hope (my husband’s) job reference for me will reflect those thousands of sentiments, that I excel in my role, and he give me an excellent reference and recommendation to any employer. Should he need documentation to jog his memory of his positive statements regarding my excellent skills I would be happy to forward the thousands of emails, text messages and videos for his review. There is of course additional extraneous information in these videos which I’m sure he wishes to keep confidential (there are no videos, but I find it funny that she would fabricate the existence of a video in which my husband simultaneously engages in sexual behavior with her while simultaneously vocalizing that she is a stellar employee at the same time…nice video if it actually exiated) between him and myself (and anyone who viewed them prior to Jan 2012), however I would be happy to provide him with these if he wishes. The other people who provide job references for me are people whom (my husband) interacts with regularly (you can only get a job reference from an employer you freaking idiot, and no one that you had in common can write you a reference letter…and the people you knew in common due to your role are the I.T person, the telephone technician, and perhaps the guy who delivered the mail???!? were THEY giving you reference letters about how great of an employee they think you MAY have been (they wouldn’t know), or were you fucking them too and that is the reference they can provide?!?), as I’m sure he is aware (my husband) and I have many, many mutual associates (no they don’t). All of these people will provide an excellent reference for me (you weren’t employed by any of them you dumb fuck)utilizing the aforementioned reasons for leaving employment with(husband). They have all expressed a desire for (husband) to also provide the same excellent reference and reason for leaving (they have all expressed a desire for him to write you a reference letter? Really? These fictitious people care THAT much about you?). Employment for me will ultimately benefit his daughter (name withheld), whose best interests are paramount. Please let me remind you that prior to January 2012 all information about (our) relationship with me, and our daughter was not confidential, hence the knowledge of the above parties of the situation (because she sent everyone she knows details about it in an effort to slander my husband).
Please tell me she isn’t this stupid….oh wait, yes she is. Here, let me sue you, cost you thousands of dollars, nickel and dime you for child support when I am making triple what most single mothers get in support, and oh, by the way, can you give me a really nice reference letter? This, people, is the moron we are dealing with. Someone oughta take her out back and shoot her. The average intelligence of the planet would rise ever so slightly.

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Face to face combat


The herpes outbreak is back folks.  No, I don’t have herpes, but did that get your attention?   A few posts back, I referred to the mistress as “herpes”, because like the actual disease, she seems to crop up every now and then, and never really ever goes away.  Somewhere under the surface, she is always lurking, waiting to strike out and wreak havoc.  Well, she is at it again.

Long story short for those just tuning in:

Mistress works with my husband. They both leave this job and she starts working for him.  They are embroiled in an affair and she gets pregnant.  He had tried to get out of the relationship many times, but things got weird when she started asking for sex at work, and when denied she would go nuts texting him all night and threatening to tell me, to call the police and scream rape, etc.  She was, essentially, emotionally forcing my husband to have sex with her, even when he didn’t want to, in order to draw him into a relationship.  Yes, there were times when he actually wanted to be with her, but many times that he didn’t, and in the last 7 months of a 10 month affair, he no longer wanted it, and her threats manipulated him into carrying on with a relationship he no longer wanted, but maintained out of fear for losing his family and career. She launched an employment claim, stating she was wrongfully dismissed for being pregnant, and also launches a paternity claim with a family lawyer seeking child support.  There, you are up to speed.

With the most recent launch of her new Human Rights claim that she was sexually harassed (hey wait, wasn’t HE the one who was sexually harassed??), and that he abused his power and forced her to have sex with him (anyone who knows my husband knows he can hardly force a fly outside), we have had to resurrect the employment side of this case.  This has meant providing additional monies to the employment lawyers who represent us in the wrongful dismissal claim.  Because the case will have to be decided, the lawyer has suggested that we set a date for “discovery”.  What this means is that both sides need to sit down in a room together with both lawyers, and share each others’ evidence to support their side.  If there is enough evidence on both sides, the case will go in front of a judge.  If she can prove she was fired for being pregnant, it will go to trial.  If, however, she has no proof that she was fired for this reason, they won’t feel the need to go to trial as it is very unlikely that she would win, and they would suggest a settlement perhaps, or that the entire claim be dropped.

My husband in a room with his ex-mistress.  This whole proposition makes me wildly uncomfortable.  I don’t want her beady little eyes eyeing him.  I don’t want her manipulative tactics, her passive-agressive nature, her wildly unpredictable overly-emotional chaos to affect him.  I don’t want him to be hurt, and I don’t want him to be uncomfortable.  I want to be there to physically stand at his side, show him my support, and work through it together, as we have been since the affair was brought to light.  I was told that I wouldn’t be allowed to be present.  I wasn’t part of the business, and had nothing to do with her employment, and besides, she would have to consent to my being there – unlikely.

**Sidenote:  When she realized that he had confessed his affair to me, and I  hadn’t kicked him out, she sent me a bunch of angry and insulting emails, telling me that he didn’t love me, that together they used to make fun of me, and that he thought I was fat, ugly, etc…  In one of her emails she told me that I ought to start working more so that I could increase my salary since I would now be supporting her baby”.  She ended that sentence with the words “Yay me”.

Throughout all of this, the one thought that brings me comfort is a fantasy that I play out in my head.  Because I wasn’t just deceived by my husband, and was also deceived by her, I have a strong core-centered desire to have her know that we are in love, we are happy. we are doing just fine, and she HAS NOT WON.  Nothing bothers her more than to think that she has had no impact.  My fantasy always involves her seeing us together, walking hand in hand, or him professing his love for me in front of her.  She sees it, she hears it, and it is irrefutable.  I know that she knows that she didn’t win – I did.  This is very important for me, because it is my redemption in all of this.

I need this.  I crave this.  I think this will allow me to move forward.  Unfortunately, it looks like I may not have that chance as I am not permitted to be present.  Regardless of whether I am actually given the opportunity to sit in the lawyer’s boardroom and observe the exchange of information, no one will stop me from sitting in the waiting room, or being right outside the door so that when they all emerge, I am the first thing she will see, and you can bet your sweet ass that I will flash my husband a winning smile, give him a supportive kiss on the mouth, take his hand and then walk off with him so she has to watch.  I may even turn around, flash her a smile, and say “Yay me”.

Seeing the affair through the eyes of a mistress


Sun Tzu, the ancient Chinese Military General once said, “Know thine enemy”.  According to him, the best way to defeat a force is to know it well, have an ability to predict its next move, remain one step ahead, and to never be surprised.

I made a decision, about halfway through the last year, that I wanted to better understand the situation from all sides.  We all have a different perspective of what took place, coloured by our experience within that place, and the role that we played.   In our marital therapy, we are learning that true forgiveness for my husband is going to come him stepping into my shoes in order to truly feel what it must have felt like to be me, to be deceived, to be betrayed.  When I am confident that he truly FEELS what it feels like, I will have greater confidence in his fidelity, and our marriage in general.

The act of consciously trying to see the affair through her eyes is a big deal for me because:

  1. I am wounded
  2. I have been betrayed
  3. I hold grudges like nobody’s business

On examining the data as I have it thus far, here is what I see when I look through her lens.  When my interpretations have been informed by factual events, I will indicate so.

She met, and fell for a man who is married.  She probably fell in love, and if not was at the bare minimum deeply attracted (fact).  His reciprocal interest in her, his sharing of personal details that transgressed the boundaries of co-worker, made her feel as though the feelings were reciprocal.  When the mutual attraction was confessed, it quickly escalated into sex. After that first sexual encounter, she probably felt intensely satisfied, like she had somehow snagged her catch.  The bait was working, and she was slowly seeing her desires come into view.  Trying to maintain a professional relationship at work while secretly involved in a relationship with a co-worker probably ignited a wave of excitement as well, amplifying the effects of the endorphin rush that accompanies the start of a new relationship.  It probably felt magical.  Here she was, sleeping with a wonderful man, who has great earning potential, but is simultaneously also kind, warm, sweet, sensitive, and compassionate.  He likes shopping, fine dining, travel, will watch chick flicks of his own accord – I mean, what is NOT to like?  I get it…I like him too 🙂

Even though she had proposed the exit clause for each of them, when he asked to use it a couple of months into it, she felt hurt.  She was enjoying what they had together, but it didn’t quite feel normal.  She longed for dinners out, time together outside of work, a REAL relationship.  She accused him of using her for sex( fact), and told him that she didn’t want to have sex at the office anymore (fact) – she wanted to go somewhere private, so they hooked up at hotels. I can’t imagine that didn’t feel cheap for her, but it was better than the office. The threat of possibly losing him led her to feel that she had to do something to prevent him from leaving.  Knowing that he was in a vulnerable place because he was being unfaithful to his wife, she knew that she could hold this over his head, and manipulate the situation to her advantage.  Worried that it may not be enough, she turned up the degree by simultaneously painting herself in a highly desirable light by inventing a boyfriend on the side (fact), and talking about how much male attention she gets. She did this, of course, so that he would believe her to be desirable. I mean, if all of these others guys see something in her, then it must be there…right? Not when they don’t exist. She figured that these lies, couples with the threat to tell me would keep him where she wanted him. It worked for a little while, as he remained in the relationship and didn’t make regular requests to “end it”.  Whenever he did, she felt threatened, and turned up the heat again, using the best tactic she had – the threat of disclosure to me.

When they stopped having sex for a few months, she was likely worried that they were returning to “just friends”, or “co-workers”.  She knew she wanted to be with him, and she had tried everything possible to make herself desirable enough in his eyes that he would want to be with her willingly, but it wasn’t working.  He was remaining with his wife, and there was no indication that he was ever going to leave, or tell me.  Feeling that she was going to be playing second fiddle in this relationship, she decided that a pregnancy would be the best way to hang onto him.   She went off her birth control pills.  Having his baby would mean that they would be forever linked.  If this was never about attraction, and only a money grab, a baby would then be a guaranteed meal ticket. She initiated sex with him in February, and conceived a child. Yay her.

When he said that he didn’t want another baby, and wasn’t prepared to be involved in the life of another child, she stated that she would terminate the pregnancy – kill her child – if he would confess the affair to me and leave his family (fact).  Unprepared to lose his family, she said that perhaps she might keep the baby, that she was undecided (fact).  In any case, she said that would raise the child alone, if need be, and would never ask him for a single penny (fact) (sorry but I find this statement laughable since she is currently doing her best to milk us out of every penny she can).  Convincing him that he was going to lose me either way (either he would tell me and leave, or she would tell me and I would kick him out), she rehearsed how he would tell me, and they set a date for when.  The brass ring was in sight, all shiny and ready to be grabbed.  Victory, as she saw it, would soon be hers. and she would finally have the man she wanted, free and clear of the encumbrances of his family, and they could start the relationship that she had always hoped for.  Excited that the man she loved would soon be hers, and believing that his willingness to confess meant that he too wanted to be with her, it was merely days away, and he would be hers.

When she texted him the morning after he was supposed to have told me, she thought her early morning text would come fresh on the heels of the devastation and that she could ride in, and save him from the flames.  When he told her that he’d actually told me 2 days earlier, she was alarmed that he was still at home, and happily playing with his children as if nothing had happened. When he told her that I was also there, and that things were fine, I imagine she was incredibly sad and very angry.  She now felt the sting of betrayal.  The plan that she thought they both wanted wasn’t coming to fruition, and had been foiled by the fact that neither of them had anticipated what move I would make.  My unwillingness to throw away my marriage and kick my husband out was a wild card that neither one anticipated would be played.  It came as a shock to them both. For him, it was a relief.  For her, it was devastating.  Reacting on anger, she immediately started doing what she does best: threatening.  It was her way of acting out in the wake of losing the relationship she wanted and she saw ME as the reason it would never be.  She was furious with me, and now she had a baby on the way, and no one to help care for it, or her.

The way she saw it, he loved her and wanted to be with her.  He’d turned away from his wife, and turned toward her.  That could only mean that he loved her, and not me, right?  He’d had sex with her, so it meant he loved her, right? This falls in line with the Myths of Infidelity I wrote about earlier. In her mind, the feelings were mutual, and then suddenly, they weren’t.  She’d been deceived, or maybe, just maybe, she had miscalculated the depth of what this relationship was really about, and made it into more than it ever was.

I understand her feelings, and what has led her to do what she has done.  I understand that she has been hurt.  I understand that she has inappropriately directed her anger at me, when it really should be directed at herself for getting involved. She has to demonize me in her mind in order to justify her actions to herself. Women are possessive, and she felt she owned him, and had rights to him. Knowing that he was coming home every night to me – to my bed – was probably unbearable for her. In fact, she became most crazy when we were on vacations together, in which case she would text like crazy, and turn up the threats if she didn’t hear back from him immediately. She wanted him hanging on the end of the line for her every text. He wasn’t, and that drove her nuts. On the nights after they’d been together, in order to remain connected to him when he was safely returned ‘home’, she texted him all night, probably to interfere with anything he and I might be up to. She wants to believe I am the reason that they aren’t together, when in fact my husband never asked to leave – he asked me to take him back, if I wanted to. I would like to say that she should also be angry at my husband for deceiving her, but he didn’t.  He told her many times how he felt, explained that it was just sex, and not love, professed his love for his family, and his desire to not lose us.  She refused to hear any of it, and believed instead what made her feel better: that he loved her and wanted a relationship with her.  That he would leave me to be with her, and that they would have a baby together, and live happily ever after.  She sees me as the reason that he is not with her, when he made it perfectly clear to her that if he and I were no longer together, that he would not be with her.  He told her that if he were not married to me, he would be married to no one.  I don’t think she can be angry at him when he made it perfectly clear.

In the end, I feel very badly for her.  I think she is in a horrible situation, and was too naive to see it clearly.  She chose to have a child, thinking that it would bring my husband closer to her, and is now raising a baby on her own. Perhaps she also had a fantasy, as we all do, about motherhood being blissful, with a little person to love you, and it is all rainbows and butterflies, and then 48 hours into it, having logged two sleepless nights, you realize it isn’s the picnic you thought it was, except unlike me, she is doing it alone.  I do sometimes wonder if she feels any regret.  I wonder if she will take the time to try and see the situation through my eyes, to realize the depths of what she has done, the degree to which her actions have caused so much hurt, so much pain, so much trauma.   Will she take the time to consider anyone else’s perspective, and will she see where she has been wrong, or will she be blinded by her own sense of self-righteousness?  I guess I will never know.

I suspect she is a very hurt inside and longs for someone to love her. She needs and craves love and attention, and believes that the only way to get it is to manipulate. I suspect love never came easily to her, and she’s had to fight for it her whole life – it is what she knows. She fell into a situation that was way above her head, and made poor decisions without considering the collateral damage. She was selfishly focused on herself, and still is. She has, thus far, provided no indication of remorse for what she has done to me, or tried to do to my children. I feel badly that she will raise this child alone, and will suffer the pains of single parenting. This is a choice she brought upon herself, but it doesn’t make it any less difficult to bear. I wish the best for the child who is an innocent victim of choices made by two people who should have known better.

When the shit hits the fan A.K.A “Your plan backfires”


Like I said in the last post, all mistresses are working for one thing…destruction of the marriage. And yes, they are working. I liken it to an unpaid prostitute, except there is one main difference: prostitutes let go. Prostitutes fuck and move on, mistresses fuck and [want to] move in.

Some mistresses wait years for their married man to leave their wife. For months or years they are led to believe that the man intends to leave their wife, but have a trunkload of excuses for why they can’t. The timing isn’t right, the kids are still too young, once the youngest is in university, after I get my promotion, I just need a little more time. Let’s face it, they NEVER intend to leave their wives. For many of them, they are getting their cake and eating it too. They get all of the benefits of a secure marital relationship, and an exciting little fantasy on the side. Ideally, they don’t want to give up either one. So, the mistress either has to wait until her patience runs out, or find a way to implode the marriage so that she can grab the brass ring. In my case, it was the latter.

Ultimatums to the tune of “you will tell your wife, or I will” are probably pretty common in those circumstances when the mistress wants in, wants more, and doesn’t like playing second fiddle to the wife. “If he isn’t going to leave his wife”, she thinks, “I will make sure she leaves him”. This was the intent of my husband’s mistress when she sat him down and coached him on what to say to me, how to break my heart, how to make it really sting. “I don’t love you”, “I never loved you”. That’s what she wanted him to say, because that is what she wanted me to think. This wasn’t just about getting him away from me. This was about hurting me deeply, injuring my self-esteem irreparably, and damaging me to the point that I would be rendered me incapable of fighting back. Honey, you met your match 😉

He told me on March 18th, 2010. It was planned that he would tell me on the 19th, but he decided to tell me a day earlier to allow us to have privacy, knowing that if he did it a day later, our conversation would be peppered with text messages, emails and phone calls trying to get a court-side seat to all of the action.

She was shocked on March 20th that he’d confessed the affair to me 2 days earlier. She was even more shocked to learn that he was still at home….and so was I. She was shocked to learn that I hadn’t kicked him out, that he was playing with his children, and that we were committed to working on our marriage. She was furious. It was delicious.

What happened over the next 2 days belongs in a made-for-television movie.

It started with some text messages:

“How are you?”
“I am worried about you”
“Did you tell her?”
“Do you want me to meet you somewhere?”
“I’m sure you need a hug”
“I want to make you feel better”

With some coaching from me on how to keep it short and sweet when you cut the ties, his replies were:

“I am fine”
“I am at home. Playing with the kids, thanks”

“You told her?” she asked. “Yes”, he replied. “You told her EVERYTHING?” she demanded. “Yes. Everything”. What was heard then was the sudden realization that the plan she had worked towards for the greater part of a year wasn’t falling into place as she had planned. In fact, it wasn’t falling at all. It was growing…stronger. How could that be? It was like the ending of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” when the Grinch realizes that despite his best efforts to ruin Christmas for the Whos of Whoville that the love that they share and the warmth in their hearts defeats evil every time, and they will be better and stronger, and will overcome any obstacles because LOVE WINS EVERY TIME.

That’s where the Grinch similarity ends though….because in contrast, she makes the Grinch seem like a humanitarian saint. The only real similarity they share, I suppose, is that they are both green…in her case it is green with envy. She lost. I won. We won.

Not believing this could possibly be true, she accused him of not having told me. I mean, there is no way that he could have told me, and I didn’t kick him out on his ass, right? She threatened to tell me herself. He provided her with my cell number and email. She threatened to come over. He invited her to do so. assuring her that he had put all of his cards on the table face up, and there was nothing more to tell.

Angry and frustrated, she then drafted and sent an email to me disclosing some details of the affair, the sex, and how they both worked to deceive me. She told me how they would have sex for hours on end (lie), how they would make fun of me behind my back (lie), and how sex with him was truly magnificent (while I completely agree, I’d be remiss if I didn’t say that this was also a lie considering she just lay there like a dead fish – remember…she was working). I replied to her email that I had all of the details, didn’t need any more from her, and she needn’t ever contact me again. I wasn’t angry, spiteful, revenge-filled, just matter-of-fact. Not satisfied that she hadn’t crumbled me to my knees, she tried to hit a little harder and a little deeper with further details, such as: “your husband thinks you’re fat” (lie), “your husband thinks you’re ugly” (lie), “your husband told me that he can’t get off having sex with you, and has to think of me to get off” (lie), “whenever your husband is with you, he is actually thinking of me” (lie).

I am hoping this paints a picture of who this woman truly is. I’d never looked pure evil in the face until that moment. It was…informative.

24 hours of text messaging back and forth, emails designed to hurt, maim, slaughter and destroy me, and she was only getting started. It really makes me ponder how someone can do that to another human being? It isn’t enough to try and take away someone’s husband, to try and ruin the lives of three innocent children, and to become pregnant by another woman’s husband, but one also has to kick her when she is down, cause more hurt, and inflict psychological suffering. What had I done to deserve this treatment? Nothing. Well…I guess I met and married the man she wished could be hers. Sorry sweetie….oh wait, no I’m not.

Hell bent on inflicting as much damage as possible, she decided that if we were going to remain together, she was going to cause us some ’embarassment’. She created a fake email account with an alias, and sent emails to my parents, my brothers, my husband’s co-worker, and his best friend to tell them about the relationship and her pregnancy. Of course she denied doing so, and claimed to not know anyone by the name of her email alias. It is interesting that someone she doesn’t know seems to know SO MUCH about her. Did I mention this woman is really not very intelligent? Truthfully, my husband could have done so much better. Oh wait, he did.

After the email tirade, it was determined that this relationship needed to be ended on multiple levels. My husband formally fired her, and asked her not to return to the office the next day. He told her that the police would be called if she set foot on the premises. She was given 15 minutes to collect her stuff, and never return. She asked him not to admit to the government that she had been fired so that she could obtain maternity leave benefits, and he told her he would offer her severance if she would just “GO AWAY”. She didn’t know what severance pay is, and he had to explain it.

We hired a lawyer who set into motion a ‘cease and desist” order to ensure that she would no longer communicate with our family. She was forbidden to send emails, call, show up, text message, or communicate in any other way. We finally felt safe, and the healing could begin.

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